 For the safety of your smile, use pepsidon twice a day. See your dentist twice a year. Lever Brothers Company presents the pepsidon show, My Friend Irma, created by Si Howard and starring Marie Wilson as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship, when other friendships have been forgotten, theirs will still be hot. World language that could be used by peoples of every nation. Me, Jane Stacey, I think it's a wonderful idea. It should bring a better understanding among all the countries. However, there's a chance the plan might fail. Why do I say that? Because I defy anyone speaking any language to understand my friend Irma. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my roommate, but there are times when I lose my patience. For instance, this morning I said Irma. Yes, Jane. They've finally done it. They've developed an airplane to fly faster than sound. Gosh, Jane, that's terrible. Why? Well, if two people riding one of those airplanes tried to carry on a conversation, they'd have to keep going back to find out what was said. After that, I decided to change the subject before her head hit another air pocket. Besides, there are more important problems on my mind right now. Irma. Yes, Jane. I hate to keep reminding you, sweetie, but if we're ever going to straighten out our budget, you've got to cut down on this foolish spending of yours. What do you mean, Jane? Well, you waste your money on such ridiculous things. Like the time you bought those obsolete tennis rackets with no strings. Well, I always miss the ball anyway. They're not wasted. You can always use them for fans. Stringless tennis rackets for fans? Sweetie, there's nothing with which to circulate the air. Well, that's why it's good. There's no draft. You can't catch cold. I give up. Look, I don't want to run your life, Irma, and tell you how to spend your money, but you work hard for it, so I think you should only spend it on things that are practical. Practical? You mean like shoes? Yes, precisely. Well, then, Jane, wait until you see the pair I bought this morning for only $2. $2? Well, that's wonderful. That's what I call a real bargain. What do they like? Oh, they're lovely. Gosh, I wish you had two left feet. Oh, gosh, don't be angry, Jane. The shoes look so lonely. No one would go near them. Honey, I'm not angry. It's just that right now people should hang on to their money because we're in what's called an inflationary period. Do you understand, Irma, or shall I explain? Oh, Jane, do you take me for a dummy? Well, inflation is a situation where the value of an item remains the same, but the cost increases out of proportion. Is that clear? Yes, but what does that have to do with inflation? Let me put it another way while I still have half my mind left, Irma. When you go to Mr. Holley's grocery store, how many quarts of milk could you buy in the past for 50 cents? Well, let's see, 12.5 cents a bottle. I used to get four bottles for 50 cents. That's right. And how many bottles do you get now for 50 cents? Five. Five. Yes, I know the clerk better. You're just not getting the point of this discussion. Look, I'll bring the whole thing closer to home. How much money do we have in our joint checking account? $200. That's right. But that $200 today is only worth 50. Only 50? Gee, I didn't know the bank's charged that much interest just to hold it for us. No, honey, it's only worth 50 because money won't buy as much today. The dollar is shrinking. Is that fair to George Washington? Hey, hey, Jane, Jane, don't hit your head against the wall. You'll crack the plaster. Irma Peterson, I will try once more. Okay, Jane, and this time I'll concentrate with my mind. Honey, if you don't want to work with me, don't work against me. Look, forget what I said about inflation. Just try to cut down on your spending and I'm sure we'll get along. We're not millionaires, but we're doing all right. We have $200 in the bank and the only money we owe is on the piano. A $20 a month payment isn't too difficult, so if we don't make any foolish purchases, we'll be able to pay off the piano and we'll get by. But gee, if the money is shrinking... That sounds like Mrs. O'Reilly. Will you see what she wants, honey? All right, Jane. Yes, Al. What? Tell Irma you'll be late or at the unemployment office. Al, you sound ejected. What happened? You lost a dear friend. Oh, that's too bad. What did he die from? Oh, he didn't die. He got a job. Well, chin up, Al. It will never happen to you. Yes, I'll tell Irma. Goodbye. Are you Miss Jane Stacey? Yes. I'm Mr. Woods of the Melody Piano Company. Oh, yes, of course. I'll make out the check for our monthly payment right away. $20? Before you make it out, Miss Stacey, I'd like to have you hear about the offer we're making to our installment buyers. Oh, well, really, I'm not interested in buying anything else right now. You see, we still owe $500 on the piano. That's just it, Miss Stacey. Our company is buying out a competitor. And we must have additional cash immediately. Therefore, we're trying to liquidate some of our accounts. So I'm prepared to make an offer whereby you can save $300 by paying off your account at once. Well, that sounds like a wonderful business proposition. Oh, it is. Are you interested? Why, of course I am. I hate to go into our savings, but it's too good an opportunity to overlook. I'll give you a check right now. This breaks me, but I think I've got a bargain. Here you are. Ah, thank you. The piano is now yours, paid in full. Here's your receipt. Good day. Baby, you're all ours. Come in. Hello, Janey. Do you have some breadcrumbs I can borrow? Well, sure, Mrs. O'Reilly. I want to feed the pigeons. Mrs. O'Reilly, I thought you hated pigeons. I do, but I was drying me eyelashes on the windowsill and one of them flew away with them. Oh, this nest in time is ruining my eyes. I see. Where's Irma? She's still up on the roof. She was saying something about taking all of her money out of the bank and washing it in lux because she didn't want it to shrink. What about Janey? I never should have bothered her poor little head with that discussion on inflation. Come in. It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Janey, and Mrs. O'Reilly. My two little trees. One a graceful willow, the other petrified forest. Oh, excuse me, Janey, a little joke I picked up from a little boy scout. Say, Mrs. O'Reilly, I got the complaint to make. What do you mean complaint? I want you to tell the people in the next apartment for me to shut off their fan at night. It keeps me awake. How can a fan blowing in another room keep you awake? It is blowing on my wall and I have to lean against it all night to keep it from falling on my back. Oh, come now, Professor. The walls aren't that bad. No? Then why is it that when the man next door took a picture off his wall and pulled the nail out, my coat fell down? Listen, Professor, I'm in no mood to do favors for anyone until I find out who locked me on the roof. Mrs. O'Reilly, I did. You? Why? Well, you know that little flower box I keep up on the roof. What about it? Well, I planted tomatoes in it this summer and the birds keep pecking at them. And what does that have to do with me? Well, no offence, Mrs. O'Reilly. But where could I find a better scarecrow? You? No, no, please, Mrs. O'Reilly. You're supposed to be a lady, I think. Why, you, you are key hyphids. No, stop it, stop it, the two of you. I have some wonderful news I want to tell you. The Melody Piano Company just gave me a wonderful business proposition. I just paid off the piano. But, Janie, I thought you owed $500. I did, but Mr. Woods from the piano company settled for $200. Pretty smart business hand on, little Janie, huh? Oh, I think that's wonderful, Janie. I always say people should own everything outright. Except if you live in a room like mine, then all you should own is a stray jacket. Oh, a shop with you. Gee, it's so beautiful up on the roof. scenery's so nice. I saw a big, huge oak tree. There's a squirrel in it. He's so cute. He kept staring at me so strangely. Yes, sweetie, he's on his way. And so are we. Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly. I'll raise you down the stairs. Oh, Professor, you make me feel like a little child again. Look who's a child. A remark like that could cause mother goose to kill herself. Wonderful news for you. The man from the piano company was just here. Come in. Hello, Jane. Hiya, chicken. Hello, Al, honey. Hello, Al. Look, kids, I know you two are in love with each other and would like to be alone. And personally, I prefer it that way. See you around. What's the matter with her? Oh, she's worried about our bank account. Your bank account? Yes, Jane says it's shrinking all the time. It's something called inflammation. Inflammation? Yes, everybody knows about it. The price is the same, but the cost goes up because you pay less and therefore pay more and have less. I think. Now, chicken, you mean inflation. Works very simply. We'll explain. A few years ago, you walked into the corner store, laid down a dollar and walked out with a pair of nylons, right? Right, Al. Now, suppose you walked into that same store today and laid down a buck. What would you get? A cherry pie. There's a bakery there now. Let me lay it out for you. You see, we are now in a period of uncertainty when no one knows what can happen to our money. But we have had panics before. I believe it was in 1893. Things were so desperate, the treasure of the United States was empowered to act whenever the gravity of the situation demanded it. This was to become known as the law of gravity. I might have gone around with a stupid fellow. Well, chicken, you just happened to be lucky. Oh, yes, Al. I guess I was just born with a horseshoe in my head. Brown was such an intelligent person, has got me thinking. Now, wait a minute, chicken. You're lucky, but don't be desperate. You know, Al, I've learned a great deal from you and Jane, and I'm going to do something about it. Goodbye, Al. Where are you going, chicken? Well, Jane and I have $200 in the bank, and I'm not going to stand around and watch it shrink. I'll be Jane's lifesaver. Goodbye. Now, wait, chicken. Al, I've never thought clear in my life. I know exactly where I'm going. Chicken, come out. You're in the car. Chicken, come out. You're in the closet. You on the sofa. I thought it was the laundry bag. Where's Irma? She went out. Said she was going to be your lifesaver. Lifesaver? I don't understand that. Hello. Hello, Jane. Irma, where are you? Jane, I just left the bank. That's good, Irma. What did you do? I took it out. Oh, Irma. And I checked the $200. And Irma just took the money out of the bank. Holy mackerel. So that's what she did. That's what she did. Well, Irma's only trying to be your lifesaver. Lifesaver? She's no lifesaver. Well, sure she is, Jane. How can you say that just because she's sweet? Well, partly. But most of the time it's because she sounds like she's got a hole in her head. Your winning smile is a pep-sident smile. Again and again, people have found it true. The smile that wins is the pep-sident smile. Here's a story that proves it. The true experience of Judy Baron. A young dancer from Rochester, New York, Judy was auditioning for a part in a musical show in Miami. After watching dozens of girls try out, the director pointed to Judy and said these magic words. There's the girl. That one with the pep-sident smile. Yes, Judy's smile won the part for her. A big step toward fame and fortune. Judy Baron told us herself. The director was right, too. My smile is a pep-sident smile. I always use pep-sident toothpaste. Like Judy Baron, people all over America agree. The smile that wins is the pep-sident smile. In recent comparison tests, thousands of people preferred pep-sident witherium over the brands they'd been using at home. Yes, pep-sident won by the overwhelming average of three to one. For its cool, minty taste, it's a pep-sident smile. The average of three to one. For its cool, minty taste, for making breath cleaner and teeth brighter. Try new pep-sident toothpaste witherium. And you will see the smile that wins is the pep-sident smile. All our money out of the bank. Just when I've given a man a check for the entire amount. Let's see. I'm 24 now with a smart lawyer and time off for good behavior. I'll be 29 when I get out. Al. Al. You know her as well as I do. You love her as much as I do. Just tell me. What makes Irma do these things? I don't know, Jane. They say a woman has a right to change her mind. And I think Irma should change hers for anything she can get. Now, please understand me. I'm nuts about the girl. It's just that I'm plenty worried about what our kids will be like. You know, what they call pre-naval influence. Well, sometimes I think it's my fault. And yet how can I be patient with her? She's so gullible. Yesterday I sent her out for a half a chicken. She paid six dollars. Six dollars? How'd she get clipped like that? She says the man told her the chicken was raised on the Mason-Dixon line and she was getting the half with the southern exposure. Know what you mean, Jane. It was like the time she paid five dollars for that bottle of perfume. She said it was called flirt. Turned out to be flit. I just had a horrible thought. What, Jane? You don't think with our two hundred dollars she'd buy anything? Oh, no. No, she wouldn't. Unless, of course, she happens to walk past some of them clip joints on Main Street. Hello? Hello, Jane. Irma, honey, where are you? Shopping on Main Street. Oh, no. No. Jane, sit down. Wait, I'll get you some water. Chicken, hurry home. Goodbye. We'll get it to you deeply. All our money. And there's a check out against it. Oh, Al. Cannot understand that chick. The way she goes around in circles, I can swear she was born in a mix master. Come in. It's only me again, Professor Krupatkin. What's the matter with little Janey? Irma took the two hundred dollars the girls had in the joint account and she's loose on Main Street. Main Street. Janey, you should know better I only have myself to blame. I must have frightened her with all that talk about inflation. I should never have mentioned that stupid subject. Please, Janey, inflation is not stupid. Either you give into it or else you can fight it. We at the Gypsy Theorem, we are fighting it. We don't raise the prices. We just water the soup. In fact, we have put so much water in our soup if you study a ball closely you can see the tide go in and out. She'd only bring the money home. Irma. Oh, Jane, I took a cab home because I'm so anxious to tell you the wonderful news. Irma, just tell me one thing. Have you got the money? Who wants money? It shrinks. I was sitting on a bench thinking about what you said about inflation, Jane. Yes. And a nice man came over. He said, hello. I said I had two hundred dollars that was troubling me. Take some more water, Jane. Imagine that was all I said and he took an immediate interest in my problem. Men are so thoughtful. Jane, that's enough aspirin. You'll kill your lunch. So he sent me to his brother on Main Street. Irma. While I still have the strength to ask, what did you buy? For two hundred dollars, I got the sister diamond to the Hulk Diamond. The sister diamond to the Hulk Diamond? Yes, the man says it's the wish diamond. You mean you wish it was a diamond? Let me see it. Here it is. Irma, how much does this so-called diamond weigh? A half pound. See, this is just a piece of glass. Glass? Certainly. Who ever heard of buying a half pound diamond for two hundred dollars? Well, a man said normally they're much higher. But he was selling them cheap because they're last year's diamonds. Chicken, I'm afraid you've been took. Well, maybe I should have taken the other diamond, but there was a flaw in it. A flaw? Yes, every time you shook it, snow would fall on the little man inside. I told you not to shop every cent we had in the world. And besides that, I've used that two hundred dollars to pay off the piano. How could you be such a stupid businesswoman? Oh, I'm sorry, Jean. Sorry, you're always sorry. And we had the party and you put chloroform in the coffee because I said I wanted everyone to relax. Chloroform in the coffee because I said I wanted everyone to relax. Stand, stand, my two little sweethearts, to argue. Irma thought she was doing the right thing. So if you want, I'll take her back to Main Street and try to get her money back. No, Professor, chicken is my problem, too. You may all think I'm mean, but I love Irma as much as all of you. I think Irma does these things because we pamper her too much. We don't give her any sense of responsibility. Well, here's a chance for her to stand on her own two feet. Irma, I want you to take this, this, um, this fillet of played glass back to the store and get the two hundred dollars so I can make good the check I gave Mr. Woods of the piano company and I mean it. But Jane... Don't put Jane me. Fortunately, I am a good businesswoman. I paid off the piano for two hundred dollars. Now you go get that money back or I'll go to jail. All right, Jane. I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. But the man in the store is going to be very angry. He said culture diamonds are very hard to get and they sell them grow this big. He gave me a short guarantee. Short? How short? What time is it, Jane? Two o'clock. Oh, I think the guarantee has expired. I better hurry. Well, Jane, I think you showed good judgment in letting Irma take it back herself. It may make her a little more cagey. And speaking of cages, I think I'll go back to my room. Well, after I made such a good business deal by paying off the piano for only two hundred dollars, that's so embarrassed. I think I'd better call Mr. Woods and ask him to hold that check until I'm sure he'll come in. Miss Stacy? Yes, I'm Miss Stacy. Well, I'm Mr. Darrow from the Melody Piano Company. I'm here to collect the monthly payment. What? Yes, according to my records here, it's twenty dollars. Oh, there must be some mistake. I've already paid two hundred dollars in full to your other collector, Mr. Woods. Oh, so Woods has been here, too. He's worked this same racket on some of our other customers. Al, did you hear that? This is wonderful. I don't understand. You wouldn't. Here's your twenty dollars. Good day. Oh, Al, isn't it wonderful? How do you like that check? If she hadn't taken the money out of the bank, that crook would have cashed the check and you'd be out two hundred clams. What a girl. What an intuition. There's Al, but she certainly pulled the bacon out of the fire. Oh, gee, Al. What, Jane? I don't have enough credit. In all her confusion, she might be smarter than all of us. On the surface, no. But, you know, Jane, genius is often buried deep. In chicken's case, there was a cave in. Finally, it's come to the surface. And I think we got a gusher in that, kid. Irma, darling, we were waiting for you. Did you get the money back? Why, of course, and I had some time was so tempting because he had another big special. What was it? Pearl's a whole bucket full. Irma, you didn't buy them. No, I think it was a second-hand bucket. Irma, we're all out of aspirin. Just tell me, did he give you the money? Yes, and because I knew what you would do, Jane, I went right to the bank. Oh, no. But I didn't put the money in. Oh, good. Because while I was standing in line, the man in front of me was holding your check. His name was Mr. Woods. Oh, no. So I figured there was no point in putting the check in. Oh, good. So I just gave Mr. Woods a $200 a year's check. The only one seems happy. Well, kids, there's only one man who can help us. Who else? Who else but... Hello, Joe. Got a problem. Jane and Irma have been swindled. No, Joe, not by any of your boys. This was an outside job. A guy by the name of Woods. Took him for $200. All the dough the girls had in the world. What do you advise? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Thanks, Joe. You're the kind of a man who will leave his mark in the world. Well? That's what's keeping you awake nights. You're trying to erase those fingerprints? Ah, Joe, you're an exceptional humanitarian. Goodbye, noble friend. Well, girls, you got nothing to worry about. Joe is going to get your money back from Mr. Woods. Al, is there going to be any violence? Let us not describe it as violence. Let us just say that Joe is sending out two superstitious men. What do you mean, superstitious? These gentlemen are going to knock on Woods. Your winning smile is a pepsi-dent smile. Again and again, people have found the smile that wins is the pepsi-dent smile. That's borne out by the vote of thousands who tried new pepsi-dent toothpaste products. You're going to win. You're going to win. There are thousands who tried new pepsi-dent toothpaste with Iriam in a recent nationwide test. These people were given plain, unlabeled tubes of pepsi-dent and were asked to compare it with the brands they were using at home. When their votes came in, pepsi-dent won by the overwhelming average of three to one. These people say new pepsi-dent tastes better, makes their breath cleaner and their teeth brighter than any other toothpaste they tried. Remember, that's not just our opinion. That's what people say. They say it three to one. They've seen pepsi-dent with Iriam remove the film that makes teeth look dull, uncover new brightness in their smiles. Try it and you will see the smile that wins is the pepsi-dent smile. I'm so happy. I'm almost beginning to like Joe and never again will I discuss inflation with Irma. However, Irma is now certain that inflation has already arrived. So I said, Irma, what makes you so certain inflation is here? And Irma said, Well, this morning I asked a man to change your dollar. Yes? I got ten dimes. I can remember when you only got four quarters. Well, they say money talks and if it does I'm sure it makes more sense than my friend Irma. My friend Irma's produced and directed by Psy Howard. Park Laby writes the script with Stanley Adams and Roland McClain and it's brought to you by Pepsi-Dent Toothpaste with Iriam. Another fine product of Lever Brothers Company. Marie Wilson has starred as Irma with Joan Banks as Jane. The part of Al was played by John Brown. Hans Conreed was heard as Professor Krobotkin and Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Music was under the direction of Vlad Gluskin. This is Wendell Niles reminding you to tune in one hour earlier next week at the Lux Radio Theatre followed by the Pepsi-Dent show My Friend Irma. This is CBS The Columbia Broadcasting System.