 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. She's company will also bring you Bing Crosby every Thursday night. Present each week at this time Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve, written by John Wheaton and Sam Moore. The Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, if you tax-paying husbands have the special interest in economy that I have this week, just ask your wife to listen closely. It's wise economy to serve the family foods like parquet margarine, the quality spread for bread that's made by craft, for many reasons. First of all, parquet tastes so deliciously good, it makes the family want to eat more of the plain, wholesome foods that give them strength and energy. When spread on bread or toast or rolls, the delicate parquet flavor is really special. When used as a seasoning by itself or in tasty cream sauces, parquet adds real zest to the eating of everyday vegetables. It's a wonderful flavor shortening for baking too and for pan frying. Just try it, I know you'll like it. Yes, parquet margarine is a favorite in millions of homes for all these reasons and because it's a highly nutritious food in itself. In fact, it's one of the best energy foods you can serve and every pound contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. So ask your dealer for economical parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine made by craft. Now let's join our friend the Great Gilder Sleeve. With the eyes of March almost upon him, he's barricaded himself in his den where we find him now alone with his conscience and his income tax return. There. Wait a minute, what's this? Computation of alternative tax. Use only if you had an excess of net long-term capital gain over net short-term capital loss. An item 23, page 1, exceeds $18,000. What does that mean? Well, I guess the $18,000 lets me out. Let's check through this once more, see if I've got everything. Salaries and other compensation? Dividends, don't make me laugh. Interest on bank deposits, notes, et cetera. Wait a minute, that savings account. What about the interest on that? I bring that up. Yeah, what? Who's there? Did somebody speak? You heard me? Why bring up a little thing like that bank account? Who are you? Conscience. Well, long time no see. Where have you been? All around. Look, about that savings account of mine, the interest on that is income. You're supposed to report it. Are you going to be a weak sister all your life? How are you ever going to get ahead that way? Well, I want to be fair. All right, be fair to yourself. Give yourself a break for once. If you don't, who will? Listen, there are men in this town who make four and five times what you do. Let them pay their taxes. But it says right here, interest on bank deposits. All right, how are they going to find out? Well, I don't know. If they find out, all right, you pay. But why should you go out of your way to lose your harder and cash? Well, that's a point, maybe. I always say what they don't know won't hurt you. Maybe you got something there, brother. Suppose we just overlooked the bank interest. Now you're getting smart, Gildersley. Now you're getting smart. Do you need this massage, do you, Floyd? When I'm through with you, Judge, your face will be as smooth as a baby as well if it ain't Mr. Gildersley. Greetings and salutations, commissioner. How chances for a haircut, Floyd? I'm right in. I'll only be a few minutes. Just giving the judge a little massage here. What's the matter, Judge? You're feeling a little under par today? Not too good. You've been working pretty hard lately. This is a busy season for the legal profession. How about a little sun lamp, Judge? Take that unhealthy look off you. Who's unhealthy? Take the other chair there, Mr. Gildersley. I'll work on you while the judge is cooking here. Yeah, those old goats are tough. Yeah, let them cook a long time. There, how's that, Judge? Too hot for you? What are you trying to do? Blind me? Oh, I forgot. I'll put some cotton over your eyes. Stuff's summoning my ears, too, so I won't hear Gildersley. Better keep that mouthy or shut, Judge. You'll get your tonsil sunburned. That's pretty good. Glad you liked it. Feeling pretty smug, aren't you, Gilders? Well, why shouldn't I? I've got my income tax all done. Not a care in the world. I'll be enjoying a pleasant weekend while the rest of you fellas are sweating over yours. You mean you got yours done already? Sure, all but mailing it. I tossed it off in a couple of hours. Listen, my friend, this year is no time to be tossing off income taxes. What do you mean? Well, they tell me the government's checking up on them twice as carefully this year. Oh, who told you that? Never mind. I heard. Oh, that Treasury Department. They're tough. That's the same as the G-men, you know. Well, I've got nothing to worry about. Like last year, there was a guy I knew over in Compton, had a shop there. Doing a nice little business, too. Not terrific, but okay. As a matter of fact, his brother's wife and my wife were... Well, never mind that. The point is, last year, he did a little finagling on his income tax. You know, held out a little interest. Interest? And a few months later, a big guy walks into his shop and says, What's about this, mister? Well, if you ask me, he had it coming to him. Yeah, yeah, that's right. That's all. Guy just walks in and says, What's about this, mister? Boy, what they can do to you for that. Practically, send you up for life. Look, life, nonsense. They can't do anything to you if you just make a little mistake. Can they? You're downright they can, guilty. The penalties are pretty severe. Me? I'm taking no chances. I'll tell you about another case I heard about. A fella got the idea that... Look, maybe I'd better come back some other time, Floyd. I've got to be getting home now. But I'm almost through here. It won't be a minute. Some other time, my hair isn't very long anyway. I'll be back. Got to run now. Well, sure, Mr. Gilda-Sleeve, if you've got to run. Yeah, I've got to run. What's your hurry? I'm not in any... Who said that? Same old conscience. Oh, you again? Yes. Are you going to give into that weakness, my boy? What weakness? You know, you're about to give yourself the worst of it on that bank interest. Sucker. Who's a sucker? I am not. I'm not going to do anything of the sort. That's the way I like to hear you talk. I mean, it's I. Leroy. What? What are you doing at my desk, young man? Have you been looking at my income tax return? No. What's the matter with it? Nothing. I wonder if the FBI would listen to a kid. What? Never mind, Leroy. I'm in a hurry. I want to get that return in the mail right away. In fact, if I... Mr. Gilda-Sleeve, oh, Mr. Gilda-Sleeve, I'm so glad you came home. Could you give me a little financial advice, please? Bertie, I told... I hope this ain't the finance company, Mr. Gilda-Sleeve. There's a lot tougher than that. What's tougher than a finance company? Income tax man. Yes. You're right, Bertie, but your tax shouldn't be too difficult. Oh, no, sir, the tax part's easy. What's worrying me is easier reduction. Oh, well, let me see your blank. Yes, it's out in the kitchen. I'll get it right away. Confounded. I haven't got time to fool Bertie's taxes now. Say, uncle, as long as you're here, how about giving me a little help with my homework? No, Leroy. Homework is intended to be done by the child, not by the parent. But this is very timely, uncle. It's a composition for current events. On what topic? The privileges of being a taxpayer. I don't believe it. How about it, uncle? Can you help me? No, my boy. I don't think you'll just have to use your imagination. And plenty of it. Here's my blank with the bill, please. Say, what does this mean right down here? Where? Oh, check whether this return was prepared on the cash or a cruel basis. Are they talking to me? Yes. I don't know who they're talking to, Bertie. That question has been on the form for 20 years. I bet even Morgan thought doesn't know the answer. Now, let's see. You put down your salary. Yes, all but the reduction. Oh, well, let's hear some of the reductions. Well, I bought some furniture and a radio and I sent some money to my brother and I lent some money to my sister. And beside that, I owe a lot of money. Bertie, these items are only deductible if they're expenses. Mr. Gillsmeade, if my brother ain't an expense, I never saw one. Bertie, the government is talking about business expense, like a farm or a store. I think you can forget the expenses. Oh, you mean I don't have to say nothing about my farm? Farm? What farm? The farm back home where my papa lives. Does your father own the farm? No, sir, he just runs it. He don't run it very good, but he runs it. What does he raise on it? Peas. Peas? I never heard of a pea farm, Bertie. No, sir, I didn't either. We used to raise cotton, but the government said they'd give us some money to raise peas, so we switched to peas. Now we get a pea check every year from the government. Bertie, I advise you to forget the farm for the present. I'm busy now. I'll help you with this thing tomorrow. Oh, and Leroy, you forget your composition. Okay, Aunt, where are you going? I'm going to get this return notarized, and I'll mail it and forget the whole thing. What's that bell? I'm surprised, isn't it? It's operated by an electric eye. It's just a new service for my customer. For your customers? Yes, if I'm asleep and I'm back in the store, it wakes me up. That's very remarkable. Look, Peabee, I'm in a hurry. You're a notary public, aren't you? Yes, I am, Mr. Geller-Sable, although I haven't done much of that sort of thing lately. Never mind. I've got the postman in this truck outside waiting for this letter, and I want you to notarize my signature. Well, I... Oh, there's the postman now. I'll tell him he'll only be a minute. Now hurry up, Peabee. There's nothing difficult about just notarizing a signature. I wouldn't say that. It takes every trade. Be with you. What are you doing, Peabee? Trying to find my stamp. It's been some time since I've done any of this legal work. Well, get a move on, counselor. The United States mail waits for no man. Here you go. All right, I left it. Where was it? Underneath the razor's chops. Let's see. I've tried up a little, that's pharmacy lingo for water, Mr. Gilbert, baby. I know that, Peabee. I'm water commissioner in this town. I've seen forgotten that. Hurry up, Peabee. This is the last mail. Just a second, news. Okay, but I ain't got all day. Now what, Peabee? She's working. Oh, given under my hand and seal, as a noted republic in this state on the blank day of blank in the year 19 blank, my commission expires on March 31, 1918. Peabee, you haven't been a notary for 25 years. Well, what about it? If never mind, Newt, I can't make it today. Peabee, I don't know why I keep doing business with you. You're the most inefficient drugist in the county, and you know it. I wouldn't say that. What was it you wanted notarized anyhow, Mr. Gilbert's Fever? What do you suppose, Peabee? Monday's March the 15th. I wanted to notarize my income tax return. Well, I wish you told me that, Mr. Gilbert's Fever. It's not necessary to get them notarized this year. What? That's right. Just look at the bottom of the form. Where? Oh, by George. You're right. Well, I guess I'll be running along then. Can't I tell you something, Mr. Gilbert's Fever? No, not today, Peabee. Well, just a minute, Mr. Gilbert's Fever. I'll show you a trick. If you know how, you can step over the beam of this electric eye and go in and out without making a sound. Look. See? I fooled the beam. Peabee, you're a fool. Yeah. The Great Gilded Sleeve will be with us again in a few seconds. Meanwhile, a few homemakers are finding it harder than ever to serve food that combines the flavor your family wants with the nutrition they need. Let me suggest to food it's helping millions of families solve that very same problem. It's parquet margarine, the delicious nourishing spread for bread made by trap. Parquet has a delicate, satisfying flavor that makes it a just about perfect spread. And when used as a shortening, it makes delicious, crispy cookies. Parquet margarine is a wonderfully tasty seasoning for hot vegetables, too, and most good cooks prefer it for pan frying. You see, parquet doesn't spatter stick to the pan. In all these ways, parquet margarine adds real, appetite-appealed to wartime meals. But it's important to note, too, that parquet is one of the best energy foods you can serve. And every pound contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. Now, if you can't buy parquet the first time you try, it's because of wartime shortages and parquet's growing popularity. But craft is doing everything possible to keep dealers supplied, and you should be able to get it soon. So ask for economical parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. Parquet margarine made by craft. Let's get back to the Great Gilder Sleeve. Our hero has spent a restless night dreaming of deductions, exemptions, and computations. He rises Sunday morning, still suffering the pangs of indecision and making them pretty tough on the rest of the household. Bertie. Yes, Mr. Gilder Sleeve? I wonder if you could warm up this miserable little cup of coffee. Yes, sir, right away. Why didn't you drink it while it was hot, Uncle Moore? Because then it'll be gone. This way I have the fun of smelling it a little longer. You didn't eat much breakfast. No, my dear. Breakfast doesn't mean what it used to on Sunday mornings. But you had everything you used to have. I know, but I feel guilty eating it. Aunt, could you help me with my homework now? Leroy, I'm in no mood to compose a composition. Oh, please, Aunt. No, I'm going to lie down and read the Sunday paper. But you haven't had your coffee. You can help me a little, Aunt. I've got a swell start on this. Start? Let me hear it. Okay. Let us be thankful that we live in a country like this where freedom shines like a beacon unto the world. Till this war is won, we at home should consider it not only our duty, but our privilege to go without things and pay our taxes. How's that, Aunt? Hey, that's pretty good, Leroy. Thanks, Aunt. Yeah, that's my boy. You're beginning to develop quite a style. A little like Macaulay. Wait a minute. Did you make that up, Leroy? Uh, practically. Where did you find it? On that flutter from the bank. Oh, so... I thought so. Young man, do you know that plagiarism is a serious crime? Yeah, who would do such a thing? You, you have just done it. Here's your coffee, Mr. Guilty. Thank you, Bernie. Leroy, go up to your room and write 50 times, plagiarism is a crime. 50 times? 50. And don't argue, it'll be 100. Okay. Oh, I gotta do something about that kid. See who that is. Will you please, Bertie? Yes, sir. No time for anybody to be calling on anybody. Good morning, Throckmorton. Oh, Leroy. Hello, Marjorie. Awfully cute. What are you two talking about? My new fascinator, Throckmorton. Don't you like it? Where is it? On my head, silly. I thought that thing was a shawl. Oh, man. Throckmorton, hurry and put on your coat. We're late already. Late? Late for what, Leroy? You haven't forgotten your promise to go to church with me this morning, have you? Oh, but Leroy, my income tax, I've got to get it off. You can finish it later, Throckmorton. Here. Here's your coat. Now come on, you old heathen you. But I... Hush up now. We've got to get along. See you later, Marjorie. Yes, we'll be along. Here's your hat, Throckmorton. That's Leroy's hat. Here's mine. Well, let's go then. Hey, young, wait a minute. What is it, Leroy? How do you spell plagiarism? Uh, PL, PL. Just right, I've been a naughty boy. Such a worthwhile sermon today, didn't you, Throckmorton? Yes. And Dr. Needham is such a fine-looking man. Don't you think so? Don't you think so, Throckmorton? Yes. You know, when he stands up there and preaches the way he looks at me, I just feel that everything he says is meant for me. Don't you, Throckmorton? Yes. Throckmorton, can't you say anything but yes? Yes. I mean no. I mean yes. Oh, honey, what's wrong? You haven't been yourself all morning. Tell Leroy what's wrong. Oh? You seem so distant somehow. Well, I was just listening to the sermon, that's all. Well, I don't know what was so fascinating about the sermon. Oh, of course, I thought it was very worthwhile and all that, but the way of the transgressive is hard. I guess we all know that. I wonder if we do, Leroy, I wonder if we do. Throckmorton, you're the strangest man. You're so moody. Just sat there all through the sermon standing at your hands and never once looked at me. I couldn't help noticing that George Bagby never once took his eyes off me, if it interests you. Interest? Hmm. Well, I see it doesn't. Leroy, don't misunderstand me, but I've got the problem. Well, I'm sure I don't know what kind of problem would make a gentleman invite a lady to church and then be rude to us. I'm not being rude. I mean, I didn't mean to be. The sermon started me to thinking, Leroy, that's all. There's something I've got to attend to. Well, you run right along and tend to it. Just leave me here at the gate. But, Leroy... No, I wanted you to stop in this morning because I know you're much too busy. Leroy... Goodbye, Throckmorton, and thank you for the use of your arm. A word. I can run in today's. Let me take your coat, Ben. I know where the closet is. Here, let me take yours. Oh, thank you. Hey, Ben, you know anything about putting airplanes together? A little. I used to make a lot of them when I was a kid. Well, how would you like to help me with one? Now, Leroy... I'll get all the parts. It's me. Complete kit, 98 cents. I'll go up and get it if you say so. Well, time's a little short, isn't it, for dinner? No, we can get a good start on it and finish it up this afternoon. Leroy, now don't bother Ben. He worked hard all week, and he'd just like to sit down on a sofa and rest. Wouldn't you, Ben? Oh, sure. Anything you say? How do you know what he wants to do? He doesn't want to make an airplane. Oh, no. Don't you, Ben. Don't you want to make an airplane? Well, I... do anything anybody says. Tell you. Leroy, go away. Just go away. Go away. That's all anybody ever says to me. Go away. Quite a brother you got there. Oh, don't mind him. He's spoiled. Come on, let's sit over here on the sofa, shall we? Sure. Anywhere you say. There. What are you going to tell me? Well, I... I don't know what you're going to think of it. Well, why don't you ask me and find out? Well, maybe I've got a nerve thinking you'd care one way or the other. Well, of course I care, Ben. What is it? Well, Marjorie, I've got a chance to become an assistant inspector. Oh. It's a good job. It's for quite a lot less money. Less? Yes, for the army. Sort of an inspector in army contracts, I guess. Well, they must need people pretty badly, or they wouldn't take me. Well, not right away. I'd probably be working here at the plant, only I'd be working for the army instead of for the company. Oh, then I think it's wonderful. I think you ought to do it. You do? Uncle Moore, is that you? Yes, me. Uncle Moore, guess what? Ben's been offered a job for less money. Well, that's fine. Or is it? It's for the army. Plant inspector, is that it, Ben? Well, it's not said or anything, Mr. Gilbert's leave. They were just talking to me about it. I told him you ought to go ahead and take it. They're going to pay you less, you say? Yes, sir, but I figure after all the boys in the army are only getting $50 a month. That's right. Money isn't everything, as the saying goes. No, no it's not. I figure anybody who doesn't do anything he can to help these days isn't going to feel he's worth much. Well, Ben, I'm proud of you. And I'm going to kiss you right in front of Uncle Moore. Oh, gosh. Aren't we proud of him, Uncle Moore? Yes, I'm proud of you, my boy. Your lips are so red now, too. I wish I could say I was proud of myself, though. Well, you excuse me for a moment. I'm going to the den. Call me if dinner's ready. But Uncle Moore, it'll be ready any minute. And start without me. I've got something I've got to get off my mind right away. See you about this thing. I'm going to get an honest night's sleep that cost me a year's salary. Where is it? Where is that tax blank? Right in the upper left-hand drawer where you put it. Thanks. Oh, you again. I thought you'd be coming around. What you're going to do, Gildy? Never mind what I'm going to do. You just watch. Are you going to be a sucker all your life? Oh, go away and let me alone with you. Now, Gildy, don't be like that. I'm your pal. I'm just trying to help you. Well, I don't need any help right now. Listen, pal, do you know what's going on right this minute? Only three blocks from here? What? Judge Hooker, that pillar of the law. He just deducted $150 for a bad debt that never existed. That's a lie. Hooker wouldn't do a thing like that. Listen, that old goat... He may be an old goat, but he's an honorable old goat. Tell you that kind of thing is going on all over the country. Why should you be different? Listen, you can't talk like that about this country. You're not my conscience. Who the devil are you anyway? Hitler? The devil. That's who you are. You're the devil. And what are you going to do about it? I'll show you what I'm going to do about it. There. Take your dirty crooked deductions and get out of here. Now, interest on savings account? $2.16. George, I feel better already. Come for me. Well, is nobody eating? We're waiting for you to call her. And step on it, will you? I'm dying. No more than I am. I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse. You ain't going to have to, Mr. Gilles Cleve. I got a roast of beef. Oh, look at that. Oh, Bertie, that's the prettiest side I ever saw in my life. Where in the world did you find it? Oh, I had my eye on it. I've been trailing it for a week. Yes. Ben, how do you like yours? Rare, medium, or well done? Well, any way at all for me. Oh, squeak-up man. We've got all kinds here, every man to his taste. He likes it medium, Uncle Mory. But Ben decides for himself, why don't you? Yeah. Kind of a medium for me, Mr. Gilles. That's the stuff. Well, eat hearty, everybody. This may be the last roast beef we'll see till the war is over. Uh-huh. Don't say that. My boy, it'll this war while this war is on. No sacrifice is too great. That's true. Let us be thankful that we live in a country like this, where freedom shines like a beacon unto the world. I mean it. Till this war is over, we at home should consider not only our duty, but a privilege to go without things and pay our taxes. Remember that. Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, I've been asked to give you a brief message of great importance. If you're a single man or woman and you earned more than $500 during 1942, you must make out an income tax report. If you're married and living with your wife or husband and you earned over $1,200 in 1942, you must make out an income tax report. You must mail your report before midnight Monday, March 15. To make out one of these reports, all you have to do is go to any bank and ask for an income tax form. They'll give it to you and tell you where to mail it. Good night, everybody. Music on this program was under the direction of Claude Cuiton. This is Ken Carpenter speaking for The Crowd's Cheese Company. I'm inviting you to listen again next week for the further adventures of The Great Elder's League. Women are having their shopping troubles these days. So let me tip you off to a quick solution for that main dish problem. At your food store, whenever you see the yellow and blue package, mark Kraft Dinner. Think of this. Macaroni and cheese ready in seven minutes' cooking time. You see, that Kraft Dinner package contains a special quick cooking macaroni that cooks fluffy, tender and boiling water. The package also gives you some Kraft grated so you can sprinkle it in the cheese goodness in a jiffy. Just seven minutes at the stove and you have a dish full of fluffy, light macaroni with cheese flavor through and through. A grand main dish all by itself and a wonderful expender for a little leftover meat or chicken, too. Each package of Kraft Dinner gives you four good servings at a cost of only a very few cents a serving. Of course, this quick-made macaroni and cheese is extra popular right now, so it's wise to order your Kraft Dinner early in the week. This program has reached you from Hollywood. This is the National Broadcasting Company. Thank you.