 W-E-A-F, New York. Pack of Avalon cigarettes, please. Yes, sir. Oh, just a moment, sirs. Don't forget your change. You'd never guess, but Avalons cost you less. Welcome to Avalon Time with Red Foley, Jeanette, the Avalon chorus, and Bob Strong in his orchestra, and the only man in radio who believes there are two sides to every question, his side and the wrong side, Red Skelton. Ladies and gentlemen, that announcement was made by Del King. He's a peach of an announcer, too. He can tell he's a peach, but that fuzz on his upper lip. Say, uh, those are nice-looking shoes you have on Skelton. Oh, do you like them? They're genuine cowhide. Facts are so genuine, I have to milk them twice a day. But they're comfortable, though. Yeah, that suit must be genuine cowhide, too. It's kind of baggy at the knees. Yeah. How are you tonight, microphone? How's it like here? You're just... I'm thinking of all the fun I'm going to have tomorrow in my car. I'm going out and do a little Sunday driving. You know what Sunday driving is? That's carbon monoxide with detours. Well, but what a place Chicago is to drive in. You stick out your hand and make a left turn, and a taxi cab runs up your sleeve. I have a nice car. It's all mine, too. All I owe the guy that sold it to me is a grudge. That car is so old. When I took it down to the license bureau, I had to get it upper and lower plate. But now, the other day, in one garbage can, it turned to the other garbage can. There's that thing I was telling you about. That Sunday, I parked it near a bunch of limousines, and when I came back, it was panhandling parts. In my car, though, it's a nice one, too. It has real knee action. Every time you hit a bump, your knees hit your chin. Sunday driving is a little different nowadays. Back in the K-90s, when something whizzed by you, it was a horse feeling his oats. Nowadays, when something whizzes by, it's some jackass feeling his ride. I met one of those fellas... Thanks a lot, both of you. I met a couple of fellas in the courtroom the other day who were reckless... Well, get ahead of me back there. I met a fella in the courtroom the other day who was up for reckless driving, and the judge says, I'll find you $100 for driving up a one-way street without any lights, going through a safety zone, hitting a pedestrian and driving while intoxicated. The guy says, wait a minute, don't that $2 safety sticker entitle me to any privileges? Well, I've been out here stripping gears long enough, so I'll park and let Red Foley dedicate a song to my car and title. We've come a long way together. Take the wheel, Foley. You've got a lot of friends out there waiting to give you the right-of-way. I know I have, and if you have two, then you know the value of a dollar. Well, just think this over for a minute. You can save many, many dollars every year by switching to Avalons, the quality cigarette that costs three to five cents less than other popular price brands. Yes, that repeated and consistent saving of three to five cents on every pack of cigarettes you smoke turns into real money in a surprisingly short time. Now, friends, you have everything to gain in Avalons. For, in addition to this big saving, you still get a superior quality cigarette. Avalons are 100% union made from an unsurpassed blend of the finest Turkish and domestic tobaccos. You'd never guess they cost you less. Supreme quality, outstanding economy, Avalons are certainly worth a trial. Why not get a pack tonight? They played three little fishies so realistic that two college boys came in wearing napkins. I'm glad you like the band, Skinny. What do you mean, Skinny? Your face is so thin it's only got one side to it. Yeah. What are you going? Oh, while I was playing, I just happened to remember something. Wasn't the tune by any chance, was it? No, I haven't had my five minutes off for a smoke. Well, I'll be seeing you later, Skinny. Yeah, Skinny. That guy may be a maestro to some people, but he's a rat-stro to me. Thank Dell. I'm trying to start a vacation service bureau, so you follow Bob Strong and tell me what he smokes, will you? Well, I don't want to be an informer rat. Well, then get off of that stool, pigeon. Go shadow him, will you? Well, now listen, suppose he doesn't smoke avalanches. Yes, he wouldn't dare. Go on now, get going. Okay, Skinny Pants. Why does everybody call me Skinny? I ain't so thin. Then how come I can see daylight through your ears? Yeah. Oh, Miss Stillwell, say, let's get down to business. I'm starting a skeleton vacation and travel bureau. And if anybody calls up, it's for me. Why don't you get an offer? My offer's in my hat. Oh, and a vacant loft. Yeah. Say, you look nice tonight. You know, I like you. Yes, but would you like me if I were old and ugly? Well, don't I? I mean, uh... Uh, uh, Sullivan, you better take that. Hello, this is skeleton vacation service. We cook your tours. Yes. Yes. Just a moment, please. A lady wants to know if you can arrange an overnight airplane trip to California. No, tell her no. This is no fly-by-night concern. Hang up on her there, will you? It's kind of the... How are you there, skeleton? How are you, red bully? Say, how are you feeling? All feeling full of pep and raring to go. On a vacation. I can fix that for you, boy. I've started a vacation service here, and I'll send you on a vacation or fill you so full of vitality, you'll be all worn out from carrying her around. How would you like to go to Rappaports by the sea? Oh, I don't think I'd like that. Oh, good. It's a nice place. Rates very reasonable. $5 a day. Well, buck and a half, you argue. What do you say? Oh, I kind of got a hacker to see the Great Divide. Okay, but still well. See what time the next boat leads for the Great Divide. You don't. The Great Divide is in the United States, between the Pacific Coast and the Great Plains. Oh, there? I thought the Great Divide was in Europe between two dictators. Who's there? Why don't I party to build a sailor? Hey, I have a lot of fun here in Chicago. Have you met anybody, you know? Oh, goodness, no. I haven't met anybody that even looks like anybody I know. How are you, Miss Stillwell? After those sandwiches we had last night. Yeah, what sandwiches? Oh, we drove out in the car to get some of those Sally Rand sandwiches. Oh, you know, chicken with very little dressing. Hey, Herky, how about me helping you decide where to spend your vacation? Oh, no, no, no, Mr. Skelton. I always go to Lake Quichabelli, Aiken. And if you like wildlife, you want to go there. It made a regular caveman out of me. You look kind of neeming to me. Well, you see, I didn't come out of the cave very often. But I certainly had a lot of fun up there pitching horseshoes, although it is kind of strenuous. Yeah, strenuous? Pitching those little shoes? Little shoes? Oh, you mean you're supposed to remove the horses? How to go now? I left some beans on the stove, and if I don't hurry, they might burn my beans off. Oh, Herky, the pink cyclone. Say, Skelton, you know you wanted me to find out if Bob's strong-smoked avalanche. Well, Mr. Avalon was in the hall, and you know what Bob did to impress him? No, what? He let a whole pack of avalanche and smoked them all at once. Why that show-off? Anything to hold a jump. Oh, here he comes now. Look at that guy strut. Come on over, Bob. Yeah, come on over, Don. Old Shakespeare strong. What do you mean Shakespeare strong? You're always making a play for somebody. Say, have you decided where you're going to spend your vacation? I may not get one. You get one sooner than you think. Maybe I better put it this way, then where are you going to spend your layoff? Are you mad at me, Bob? You didn't say hello. No, I'm not mad. How about a little kiss, jitterbugsy? Jitterbugsy. You're going to start that kissing stuff again this week. You're going to wear out your kisser, you don't watch out. Oh, corny Casanova. You're going to let that guy kiss you? Well, who said I was? What do you think would happen if I let every man I meet kiss me? I don't know. What usually happens? Well, of course now, if you won't let me kiss you, I can't. That's all. Well, how do you know? You haven't even tried yet. Oh, you're going to let that guy kiss you? Okay, Bob, now about the vacation. Now, I can let you have an A-Tour for $10 or for $5. I can let you have a B-Tour, or you can take the C-Tour for $2.50. Well, look here. Here's $0.50. You take a D-Tour. Now, I'll fix you. Jeanette's going to go to town with, don't worry about me, from the Cotton Club Review, and you'll have to accompany her. Get start traveling, brother. Start traveling. Commercial, I have to say here that Avalon... Whee whee whee whee whee whee. Hey, Red, cut it out. Cut it out. What'll Mr. Avalon say? Listen, Skelton, this is no time for Uda to get funny. Isn't wet, I gotta do a commercial. I'm hearing that song too much on the radio lately. I don't seem to sing great either. Cut it out, Red. Now, cut it out. Now, listen. Friends, when Uda buy Avalon, who'd get the Toysers, Turkish, and domestic for backers that have been blended together with wear and kill? Go on, girl, go on. Jeanette gives you an angry, mild, delightfully mild muck. Who didn't? Red, who didn't put in fully enjoyable? Red didn't tell him about it yourself, then. Down in the meadow, inna, it a bitty boo. Stop it, Red. Stop it. It's not me in an awful spot. Don't get this dirty, Zell. Remember, friends, Avalon bought you three to five cents less than other popular price friends. Friends, who'd never guess but Avalon's tossed to wet. So remember the next time who asked for cigarettes, say... No, no, no, ask for Avalon cigarettes. And don't forget your change. Uh, uh, uh, take it wet, Bully, and sing what you're done at change. Oh, sit still, and it's all that baby talk. Folks of the Avalon course, I'm gonna sing, uh, Tilva on the stage. Go ahead and play it, Bob Prong, will ya? So lie down. This is of Manhattan, at the island where New York City now stands. I'll take the part of Chief Skelton, the guy who sold it to Peter Minuit. Um, you set the scene. Will you tell while I get my feather zone? Okay, Red. Okay, Bob. Peter Minuit, the first governor of New Amsterdam, is about to perform his first official act, the purchase of the island of Manhattan. As the scene opens, we find him and his secretary approaching the Indian village. He'll be friendly. Oh, they'll be friendly. Don't look so scared. Who's scared? Well, you are, or else you're overacting the part of a pale face. Sissy. But why should I worry? The last time I was here, the big chief liked me so much, he took out an option on my scalp. And this time he might lift the option. Try it, we're coming into the village. Oh, here's the chief now. Hiya, chiefie. Hiya, chiefie. Well, why don't you answer me? That's a totem pole, ya dope. Well, uh, don't let it get around that a Dutchman was scared by a pole. Certainly not. Telling to put some clothes on. Sissy, I don't think we should go in there. It's all right, Peter. Come on in. Oh, there he is. Hiya, chiefie old boy. Old boy. Old boy. Howl. Howl. And howl. Why you bring squaw? I write short hands. Yeah? Me must chop off me squaw's hands. She write without hands too. Without that up, didn't I? Who's that? Uh, him only man sick in tribe. Well, who is he? Him medicine man. Look, chief, we've come to buy Manhattan island. Yeah, medicine man make all the decisions. We ask him if we should sell island. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, to a whole tide, whole tide. Who do you ask for it? Who do you ask for it, Sissy? Uh, uh, uh, uh. Uh, him say no. What's next question for house? Who buy him next drink. Must war and delegate from Tammany tribe, keep quiet. We're people, these foreigners. Yeah, you keep quiet, too. We burn Peter Minuet at stake. We make Minuet steak. I think I look on Nick's face, see if more laughs. Indian plant corn, Indian eat corn. Indian talk corn. Chief, no like squalls, steel punch lines. She would. Look, Chief, I want to buy Manhattan Island. I have lots of money. What good money to Indian? To buy food. Indian shoot food. Buy clothes. Indian shoot clothes. Have fun. Indian shoot fail face. Fail face crazy. Every time he sat down to eat, tried to stab face with stick. That's a fork, you dope. White squall like British Empire. Sun never set on tongue. Tawaga, woga, hugo. Tawaga. Look, the medicine man's talking with his eyes closed. Yeah, him in solo conference. Tawaga, Tawaga, Guga, wuga. You're fast. Well, you kidding? Very strange. Medicine man have dreams. Says sell Manhattan Island quick. You still want to buy it quick right away, huh? Yes. But all I have with me is a bunch of junk. No money. Every pocket will do. Okay. Here's some beads and trinkets and marbles and stuff. Altogether, it's probably worth some $24. Some imagination. Yeah. Me take junk, you take Island. Okay, wrap it up. And you sign right here. Me no can ride. That's all right. He can't read. Yeah. Thanks a lot, chief. Me think chief pulls short end of stick. Hey, wake up, medicine man. Let me kick your head in. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Yeah, medicine man speak me translate. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Mm. Medicine man say have dream of Manhattan Island. Many moons from now. He see 1939. He see trouble for Indians if we stay here. Headlights and paper. He see Yankees, more Indians. He also see Dewey. Make it Hartford, Tammany tribe. A worker Mahuga, Mahuga. Oh, no. Also dies committee after reds. Okay, if we feast. Big chief happy sell Manhattan. You take Island. Me take ferry boat. Hoboken, two minutes. So long. You can get supreme quality and Avalon's for less. Why pay more? So the next time ask for Avalon's. And don't forget your change. Yes, Avalon's cigarettes, dear friends, cost several cents less than others. You two can say this difference like all of us Avalon brothers. Each pack is wrapped in cellophane. Each pack is union made. No wonder folks from coast to coast. Never guess, but Avalon's cost only 10 cents plus city or state tax. Ladies and gentlemen, Avalon's time is made possible through your loyalty to Avalon's cigarettes. And we'd like to thank you for keeping Avalon on the air. And we hope that you'll tune us in again next week. Good night and greetings to all the mothers. The Brown and Williams and Tobacco Corporation presents Avalon's time each Saturday at this same time. Del King speaking. So long everybody. Long time has come to you from our Chicago studios. This is the national broadcasting company. W-E-A-F, New York. 9 p.m. B-U-L-O-V-A. Bull of a watch time.