 Well, hello and welcome to understand men now. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay.com And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today our topic the six reasons why Smart people suck at dating mating and relating. We're gonna talk about those reasons why Really quickly if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell so you can be notified of new content and And if at any time during this live stream or if you're watching the replay I share something that resonates with you. Please do me a favor hit that like button So this video can be seen on the algorithm or often all right Let's talk about those six things six things that smart people Well, why why reasons why smart people suck at dating now? Let's talk about smart for a second because I I don't necessarily like the idea of judging people based solely on their intelligence and what I mean to say is I'd like to value all Human beings relatively the same now while there are some people that have higher intelligence. There's others There are people that are more emotionally mature than others There are more there are people that are probably more responsible than others There's a vast variety of different types of people. So when I came up with this This title I want you know I actually borrowed it from some other gurus title and I thought I'm gonna do my own spin on this And let's just for the argument sake say that smart people are people that are rather savvy They've got their life in order. They've got their house in order so to speak and yet they struggle in the dating mating and relating arena Now pretty much that fits almost everybody. Okay, so what I'm about to share pretty much applies to everybody unless you're Absolutely unconscious unless you're a sociopath or an extreme narcissist. This really doesn't apply for them This applies for pretty much everybody under the spectrum that isn't severely wounded or has real clinical issues Because even the most savvy Intelligence smart strong successful woman or smart strong successful guy whatever you want to label. What is quality or high value or whatnot? This applies. Okay, so I just wanted to set the stage because the reality is is most people do suck at dating Especially at midlife and we're gonna talk about some of the reasons why later But I want to really lean into what most people do Wrong and part of it is everything you've learned about Relationships is wrong. By the way, this is part of my coaching practice So if you need any support on that check out the link below to a free discovery call with me to see if working with Coaches right for you. So let's talk about the first thing smart people do That really caused them to suck at dating and this is gonna sound really obvious But it is over Analyzing thing over analyzing things. Excuse me. Have you ever found yourself over analyzing something? If you say yes, either hit that like button post a comment below when it comes to a man or a woman in relationship I know I have I've overanalyzed everything. Why didn't they text me back right after I sent them? Why they take so long to text is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with them? You know, we start coming up with all these reasons to come up with red flags because something didn't happen According to the terms that you want it to happen. Let me repeat that something happened And that didn't follow the way your life follows and then you start to come up with Rationalizations and let me repeat that rationalizations L-i-e-s rationalizations. I learned that from my friend Larry Michaels And he says and this is the way the brain works We have to come up with reasons because the truth is if we just accept things for the way They are if we're just in our present if we're in our sovereignty if we're in our self-love We don't have to overthink things we can just accept things the way they are and yet humans have this ability to Overanalyze the dating realm and create meaning out of it, you know, why you know, why did he pull away? Why did he ghost why did he disappear and then coming up for reasons for it or why didn't you're even in Relationship when little things happen and this is one of the things that cause Frustration in relationship and if you can relate to any of this I know I can I have a habit of overanalyzing things Then you're not alone. Okay. This is a very common thing So I just want you to understand that you're human. We're all human even the most emotionally mature person has a capacity to Overanalyze things. It's just human nature. And again, we oftentimes rationalize rationalize things So we can feel good about ourselves really quickly Just let me know if the audio and video is working, okay So number two, let me look. Oh, I put my glass that took my glasses off and I want to put them back on Oh, well, this relates back to our ego so one of the things that smart people do is We have a capacity our ego has a capacity to make ourselves out to be special or better than other people or Some people go the opposite direction and they go into victim consciousness They go into victim consciousness in other words, they're always pointing the finger at someone else and even a smart intelligent person can do this But really what most often happens is that specialness that egoic that entitled place that so many of us go to It's about being right. It's about my way or the highway and believe it or not Men and women do this alike and especially as we get older in midlife We can become very set in our ways so our ego can actually get in the way of us really connecting with another human being It's a block to our heart because we think our and this is all subconscious by the way This is our subconscious operating and you can recognize this actually when you start to follow forums on dating You can see the people who act better than others or you can see the people who act like victims It's so easy to spot. I know you've spotted it. I know you've seen it before so I just want you to know it exists and again, this is oftentimes a subconscious response just like the rationalizations that I talked about Lizzations Humans can have to create meaning out of things and then oftentimes either act better Or we act inferior women oftentimes turn more into the victim consciousness I just see this more prevalent in the dating realm They they they literally blame men for a lot of the problems. I mean most of the times I get complaints Maybe I should do a live stream on what complaints do men have on women. Maybe we should talk about that at some point I'll think about that a little bit, but I just want you to know that this is a very common thing Okay, number three and this is so hugely important Is that most smart people or let me just take out the word smart most people Don't understand true compatibility true compatibility most people think of compatibility and I've said this over and over You like sushi me too. You like stand-up paddle board. Oh my god My favorite thing to do on the weekend. You like the Rolling Stones Oh, I've signed them in concert five times actually for me It was Joe Jackson for any of you 80s fans I was a big Joe. Well, I actually he came out in 79 But I'm a Joe Jackson fan my all-time favorite song is you can't get what you want till you know what you want Which actually kind of is my theme song for my business and my life now You can't get what you want until you know what you want. Okay, so let's go back to compatibility Most people think of things like what I just share and the problem with most human beings is you hyper focus on chemistry Instead of compatibility Let me repeat that you hyper focus on chemistry and chemistry oftentimes or chemistry is simply brain Chemicals being released to your body that make you feel good. This is why oftentimes on a first date You can feel what's known as lust or limerence. Let me repeat that you can experience lust or limerence Limerence is extreme infatuation. That's why many people think oh my god We're so perfectly suited for one another because you're being driven by this the chemicals of dopamine and Oxytocin and testosterone and estrogen and serotonin. It's all it's a cocktail being released in your body and You completely forget to notice whether or not you share the same values whether you have Blendable lifestyles and lastly whether or not this person is emotionally mature And it's interesting if any of you are familiar with the work of Mary Ann Williamson Mary Ann Williamson. She wrote the book return to love. This is her CD version. Let me just Show you that return to love now. She does these big seminars 200 300 500 people. I mean probably even more fact. She ran for president Last year reason why I'm bringing up is when she does her live event. Sometimes she asked the audience What's the first thing you should do when you meet someone you have amazing chemistry? You have amazing chemistry and she pauses for a second and the whole audience screams pray pray in other words you better pray for your life because Chemistry is not an indicator of relationship success and yet 90% of people Hyper-focus on chemistry and really don't pay much attention to true compatibility That's why that's my job as a coach to help you vet for that and we'll talk about that a little bit as well Okay, number four and this really relates to everything. I've just been talking about number four is Most people most smart people don't actually have the skill sets to ask really good Questions in the dating process or another human being beyond the surface level So most people I've made this reference before about an iceberg. So let me just Here this is I'll do I'll draw one here. That's the water line That's an iceberg. Okay, there's a picture. Can you see that? It's really simple an iceberg, right? Actually, we'll make the water wavy Okay All right. So the top most people focus on this instead of the depth of a human being So in the beginning stages most people because you've been so trained to just sit back in your Feminine energy and just lean back into your feminine energy and the guy will do all the work And and you shouldn't treat the dating process as an interview. That's what most people tell you Just sit there. Have a good time. Enjoy yourself and don't ask questions Well, I'm here to say you're putting your life at risk for that because what can happen is if you get attached to another human Being and let me tell you something you ask anybody who's gone through a significant relationship and had a terrible break up Most the time they tell you I knew something was wrong in the beginning But I went against my better judgment Ladies and gentlemen begin to ask better questions in the early stages of dating stop being so naive This is what's causing a lot of havoc in your life This is why i'm such a big proponent of learning how to ask the right questions and become a better communicator This is why if you're not familiar with the book Nonviolent communication by marshal Rosenberg non-violent It should have been called compassionate communication Now this book doesn't really teach you how to ask the right questions That's what my coaching program does check out the link for a discovery call Why I want you to get this book is it teaches you how to communicate better Believe it or not for the women who are watching this women think they're great emotional communicators in the relationship But you're not because if you were so good, why isn't it landing on the guys you're with Now part of that is many of you are afraid to speak up and speak your truth This is why when I wrote my book what the heck of self-love anyway link below It the chapter one is speak your truth deal with kindness and then chapter nine is if in sincere and from the heart You can never say the wrong thing to the right person So what I want to encourage you is to learn how to ask better questions right from the get-go Before you give your heart away to a guy. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know Okay number five What did I write down? Oh, yeah. Yeah going back to emotional maturity Most humans don't either they lack emotional maturity or have weak emotional skills And certainly most women are terrible at asking the right questions to Vet for emotional maturity, and I know many of you've been asking me Jonathan Will you post some of the questions? No, that's what I teach in my coaching Okay, if you will if you want to learn the real nitty gritty, you're gonna have to hire me I'm sorry to say but that's what I teach you and by the way I'm also teaching you how to be emotionally mature along the process So let me just say something to you when clients hire me they tell me the transform it It transforms their life because I teach them how to be emotionally mature And then you can easily spot for emotional maturity within a man And let me tell you this is going to be a problem in your life if you don't know how to vet for emotional maturity There's a tv show on a showtime called couples therapy And it's hidden camera hidden camera therapy sessions legit therapy sessions with real people not actors And i'm watching these couples and they don't know how to communicate with one another and these people Were madly in love with each other you see pictures of their wedding and how madly in love with each other And yet ultimately let's think about this if 50 percent of divorces 50 percent of marriages end up in divorce and Half of those other people are probably miserable together and if 65 percent of second marriages end in divorce The problem is is when two emotionally immature get people get together They don't know how to solve their problems together. This is why i'm such a big proponent of reading this book Eight dates by dr. John and julie gotman eight dates by dr John and julie gotman and why you want to read this book is so you can learn about what causes most divorces ahead of time So you can address these issues sooner rather than later Sooner rather than later because here's the thing if you don't catch it early on You're setting yourself up for failure I know many of you are struggling just to get a guy or get a woman Okay, but it doesn't matter if you get the right get a person and you two aren't really mature enough to be in a relationship To be an adult relationship. This is why i highly recommend reading this book how to be an adult in relationship Now some of you might be and i'm going to share the sixth thing in a moment Then we're going to do q and a something might be going jonathan. You're just an infomercial for books I had someone say that you provide no content. You're just an infomercial for books first off every video I I deliver on what i'm going to promise on the on the topics that i you know Choose in addition the reason why i recommend books is there is a vast library of great content to change your life And all it costs is 12 bucks to buy and two hours of reading If a person can't invest two hours of their life every week In improving themselves imagine and imagine if you invested five hours a week of your life Improving yourself in one year. You're going to be vastly different person This is why i scream at the top of my lungs to encourage people Like a like a preacher out there like a you know, i'm Screaming just to shake things up because i want everybody To gain a level of emotional maturity and believe me for those of you that think i'm there I'm not even close. I have a long way to go myself every human is on a journey And we'll get there at some point sometimes on our death bed, but we'll get there as in the movie Uh caddy shack, you know On your death bed you will receive total consciousness does anyone remember that line guys typically do But does anyone remember caddy shack in the line on your death bed? You'll receive total consciousness. Well, that's what happens and it's a journey And this is why i recommend doing the work to get there. Are you with me? Are you going to do it? I hope so and number six number six Here's the things smart people don't know what to do They don't know how to tap into their intuition because they're over analyzing things. They're over analyzing things Ladies and gentlemen, your intuition is speaking to you all day long Giving you clues on who's the right person for you or not and yet the ego And the over analyzing is getting in the way. I want you to really learn to tap into your intuition This is why I highly recommend reading this book The untethered soul by michael singer the untethered soul by michael singer also the book blink By malcolm gladwell that actually is a great book But those two books combined will help you to do less over analyzing and more trusting your intuition Can I get an amen? Will you focus on trusting your intuition more in the future? I hope so All right, we're going to take start taking questions in a second, but just as a recap over analyzing Your ego either you're being special or a victim gets in the way Number three, you don't know about how to how to You don't know about compatibility because you're hyper focused on chemistry number four You don't know how to ask the right questions number five You don't know how to vet for emotional maturity and number six. You don't know how to trust your intuition That's the reason why smart people suck at dating All right time to take questions and those who know my format Please write the word question and post a question, but before we do that. I just have a personal share with you Yesterday was mother's day and many of you saw the post I did on mother's day Honoring my ex-wife the mother of my children And I I have a confession I wasn't always that way It took me a lot of years to get to a place of gratitude for my ex-spouse and quite frankly it was my My most significant relationship at the time even though she and I are not together She was the one who encouraged me to lean into Gratitude and appreciation for my ex about 10 11 about 10 years ago And so even though I've been divorced 15 16 years now It took me five or six years to shift out of my egoic way of operating and to shift to more of a Compassionate way of looking at my ex-spouse and there's a picture of my ex with my two boys And that's with her with my son who passed away and yesterday for mother's day She and I met up and went to my young my son's conner's tree house that he had Just to celebrate mother's day. It was very emotional. This is the son who passed away And I share this with you ladies I'm not this I know many of you see me as this enlightened person who's got his shit together Trust me I have I am riddled with flaws. I have I'm riddled with flaws. I have I make mistakes like anyone else I am no better than anyone else. Am I a little bit more immature than some people? Yes, because I do value the importance of not being a victim I value the importance of not being right, but truthfully I won't be able to test this until I'm in relationship so let me just be clear And it's important and I do want to say that when I posted that it was sincere and from the heart I genuinely do love my ex-spouse now It wasn't always that way and it took a woman to break my heart open. And so I'm very grateful to sherry And even my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend shared a Facebook comment with one another for mother's day for each other And I would encourage and this is because I'm a big believer of now What's known conscious uncoupling conscious of counseling if you're not familiar with the book by Catherine Woodward thomas In fact, this book she wrote she's a best-selling author the gwyneth paltrow Divorce is a conscious uncoupling My ex-girlfriend I are actually in this book on page 220 and 221 because we did a conscious uncoupling And what conscious uncoupling means is simply the recognition that while we may not be good partners for one another The love doesn't have to go away and what I mean by love is my ex-girlfriend and I and even my ex-wife and I Have shifted to what I say is we're family to one another Um, but we're not romantic partners nor do we share intimate things with each other So I'm a big proponent of learning how to consciously uncouple. So I highly recommend reading that book All right. I think this is a great time to take questions. So let's see what we got here Um, let me just scroll up for a second. I want to say hi to everybody tina charlene emily guy Oh, there's a guy here. I wonder where our friend dug is Brooklyn appala and we've got a question Um, yes rationalization, but it's lies Leaf says analyzing is not a bad thing. Audio is great. Thank you I think what I said was over analyzing not analyzing over analyzing which a lot of people do all right Let's see what we've got question wise. Oh, and by the way More than welcome to buy a super sticker or a super chat. There's a dollar sign that way. I can see it much easier um tina writes Your recommendations are wonderful resources to help each other and everyone who wants to improve themselves keep up the fantastic work You are not an infomercial. Thank you tina lee. I appreciate that um All right, we've got some I just have to scroll. Okay, here we go. I see one sb writes He wants to do a second date with me potentially this weekend He hasn't set a date or location yet should I just wait a few days to bring it up if he doesn't Okay, great question. So first off I'm assuming you had a first date at some time in the last week or so And I'm assuming you're communicating because you didn't point that out So, um, I would today being tuesday and if you're planning on getting together for the weekend I'm not object to sending a text message on or today's monday. Excuse me not tuesday I'm not object to sending a text message wednesday saying. Hey, just checking in are we still on for getting together this weekend Simply say, hey, I'm just checking in. Are we still on for getting together this weekend? Now if he's silent You have your answer if he says if he says he's busy Most likely without actually making a plan then he's most likely just not that into you and if he does Make a plan with you then great. There's nothing wrong with you reaching out and simply doing what's known as a check-in It's just a check-in. Hey, I just want to check in are we still on this weekend because he made up He made an offer You accepted and now you're just following up now. I know a lot of the feminine energy coaches Which will have you just lean back because the man is supposed to claim you and he's supposed to be chivalrous What fucking world is that let's face it most human beings are rather dysfunctional not all Most or rather dysfunctional and when it comes to dating mating or relating They suck at it most human beings suck at dating just like what i've been talking about why smart people are bad at dating Because they either over analyze things their ego gets in the way their victim consciousness gets in the way They don't know how to vet for emotional maturity. They don't know how to ask the right questions This is why humans are just bad at the process doesn't make them bad people It's just a byproduct of what we're dealing with so guess what ladies Stop listening to these Okay, this is just my invitation. You don't have to take it as bible. Okay. I'm just saying I don't subscribe to what a lot of other coaches teach in this book called the rules the rules bullshit reverse psychology That's what I think of this book bullshit reverse psychology Start reading this book instead Read this book instead how to make love all the time and it has nothing to do with sex It's how to connect to your heart And read my book, of course. Okay, so going back to your original question. The answer is yes My invitation suggestion reach out to him. Maybe tomorrow or maybe maybe tuesday. Maybe wednesday and just just simply do a check-in Okay, thank you. That was a great question All right Question from Abey I don't know how to say your first name. I am butchering things What questions would you ask on a date predate screening perhaps? Well, again, that's part of my coaching question But here's a great question. I'm going to offer for everyone. This is a freebie Um, well, you can simply ask about past relationships and if someone has had a negative past relationship You can do the follow-up question. How did you heal from that? How did you heal from that? So if anyone expresses some animosity anger Frustration with a past relationship the follow-up question might be how did you heal from that? That's a great question to ask because that allows the person to go into depth to go into depth This is why I highly recommend reading this book Let me grab this book Ladies are you the one for me? Are you the one for me? This should be your bible This should be your bible. It teaches you everything you need to know The only difference with working with me is you actually get to talk to me about what's practically what's in this book And what I mean to say is this is going to teach you every question you need to ask So Abey, that's my invitation for you Okay And if you want it personalized, that's when you reach out to me All right, let's see what else we have By the way, I brought up something earlier. I have a question for you ladies. Oh, well first off Bear with me a second. I have a question for you ladies Ladies, you often complain about men. I invite you to post some comments What common complaints do you think men have about women? What common complaints do you think men have about women? I want to address that Candy rights chemistry and compatibility 50 50 question mark no compatibility Okay, so I want you to think of it like a table, right? This is a four This is forget this finger. This is a four leg table. Okay. There's chemistry They're shared values. There's blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. Let me repeat that Chemistry shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional mature. God dang it. My pants are writing up my crotch Excuse me Nobody saw that. I hope I am wearing pants. By the way, this isn't a zoom call where I'm, you know, without pants Uh, but my pants was writing up my crotch chemistry shared values blendable lifestyles emotional maturity That's what I help you learn in my private coaching again. The link is below the schedule discovery call All right, let's keep going here um Sb writes wait Well, sorry, this thing just moves way too fast um Do some guys truly suck at texting and communicating when getting to know one another in the beginning? Or is that just an excuse to tell someone else? No, I'm even bad at texting and I have pretty good communication skills Believe me. I can be terrible at this so It is not uncommon is not uncommon for men and women to be bad at this form of communication I don't think humans were designed to communicate with their thumbs I just our thumb imagine we're trying to get this instead of using this we're having to use this And at least typing we we grew up typing but typing with our thumbs has changed the way we communicate So I think some people are bad at it. It's hard to write complete sentences It's hard to get your actual thoughts out. This is why lately, you know when I communicate with someone I just do voice texting. I just click on it and do voice texting And that's my my suggestion is maybe try voice texting instead of real texting because for some people texting with their thumbs is hard So, yes, it's not an excuse lots of people are bad at it All right, Kathy writes, how do you handle dating and the discomfort of of a late husband? I'm fine talking about him, but others are not help Oh, Kathy. First off, I want to give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug of self love or love There's nothing worse than losing a loved one and for those know, I know, you know, I lost my son So while it's not the same as a spouse Talking about a loved one who's passed away can be very challenging and I get it I think what's most important is to demonstrate that you felt like you've healed from the experience So when someone asked me about my son I share the experience and I also follow up with how I healed from it how I'm healing from it Because if you haven't expressed how you've healed then they're either going to assume that you're stuck Possibly stuck Or or still have feelings and you can absolutely have feelings for a loved one But I'm here to say or at least invite you just share how you've healed How you've progressed not because there there is no such thing as moving on for those who have lost a loved one We all know there is no such thing as moving on the most important thing is how have you accepted it and how have you healed That's my invitation Kathy And let me just give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug. Okay That's a tough one all right And speaking of healed I've recovered and healed from it watching videos about ghosting. That's great Great way to go. All right, let's see what else we have Oh, gosh this thing move when I scroll it moves up K. O. McLeod writes, how do I have a private chat with you schedule a coaching session with me? There's a link below By the way, that's just simply to hear about my coaching program if you want to hire me as a coach Then we'll talk then as well Okay, Colleen writes men probably don't like how women tell them how to do stuff around the house and complain That they don't do chores right away. Certainly those who are living together with someone. That's a very common thing That reminds me of the movie The breakup with vince fawn and And jennifer aniston hmm By the way, I'm having a squirrel moment the coffee mug says let that shit go Okay, the movie is the breakup and where Jennifer and vince have a um a dinner party and it's time to clean up and vince wants to play video games And she's asking him to clean up and he goes i'll get to it i'll get to it and finally she goes Look, I want you to want to clean up and he says why the fuck do I want to clean up? I don't want to clean up. I don't want to do it. I may have to do it, but I don't want to do it so Yes, it's a it's a common complaint people have I do believe that a truly happy couple Knows how to actually invest in one another. This is why there's another book. I highly recommend I highly recommend reading the book mating and captivity by ester parel mating and captivity by ester parel This is a new way age way of exploring relationships without all the bullshit pretents That we were all raised with by the book the rules and everything else in life So I definitely recommend checking out that book, but I get it. That's a common complaint and that's that's one I know I have felt that way as well All right question From christie I've got an e harmony account, but I haven't been able to get a date yet. This is my first time online sites How do I get a date? Well, I would venture to say that your profile is probably poorly done Let me just say this and that's because 99.7 of profiles that I look at every day on dating apps I'm swiping dating apps all day long 99.7 of women's profiles and 99.8 of men profile are for shit. They're crappy lame pictures sunglasses out of focus pictures of the you know, uh, the sushi plate the night before pictures of the Sunset that has no relevance other than we know it's important to you But what matters most is so bottom line is this Six quality chris photographs will improve your chances tenfold six quality chris Photographs of yourself increases at tenfold now the essay it matters It matters as well to have a quality essay But what's most important is the quality pictures and my guess is your profile pictures aren't very quality Now it could be mistaken and then if that's then there's something else going on And I'd have to look at your profile But for the most part the pictures make all the difference in the world especially to men. I hope that helped. So thank you All right Annette writes men always say women are dramatic controllers They think we have hidden agendas too demanding they're projecting at least it happens like this in latin america Well, yes, this is true in united states as well. Men say the same thing This just gives you an example. By the way, this is was an interesting exercise because ladies I know you have complaints about men who are and I want to talk about why men suck at dating in a second One of the primary reasons why there's frustration But the reality is is men have the same is not the same issues Men have issues with women women have issues with men because the problem is Human beings aren't connecting at a heart-centered level. They're not connecting at a heart-centered level This is why I want everybody to get my book so you can get out of your head and into your heart And I mean your emotional heart that part of you that doesn't judge people That doesn't think make yourself better than someone that doesn't have to be a victim in life We are suckling on the nipple of victimhood here in the united states And we're also sucking on the nipple of i'm better than you here in the united states And I can only speak for united states because I don't live around the world But all I can say to you that's part of the reason why we're seeing so much frustration and dating mating and relating Because people either act like they're better than others and or they act like they're they're Worse than others and the real emotional maturity lies right in between because I have a capacity to be righteous And I have a capacity to be a victim So for someone who does a lot of personal development work. I'm still struggling in those arenas This is why I recommend all these books so you can be in a healthier happier relationship Now I want to address one of the biggest problems right now. I'm going to take a pause from answering questions I want to address one of the biggest problems and that is this The problem with midlife dating really boils down to Do I want to take care of you? I'm gonna repeat that. Do I want to take care of you ladies? For men who have been through a divorce men who've been through alimony visitation rights family court all of that and Child support all those sorts of things What happens at midlife is they've lost the desire to say I want to take care of you And without that deep rooted desire People can act somewhat ambivalent or they act like they keep space they keep space because ultimately ultimate commitment is I'm going to be there for you when you're going through chemotherapy and I have to wipe the vomit from your face That's ultimate commitment and that means I want to take care of you and what's happened For so many people men and women alike that they reach to midlife point and they've been burned. They've been hurt. They've been they've felt sorrow and sadness And they they literally have given up on the on the idea of I want to take care of you That is one of the biggest problems. This is why I'm such a big proponent Of helping you all understand that the most important relationship you have is with yourself Let me repeat that the most important relationship you have is with yourself. That's the relationship that matters most It doesn't matter whether you're in a relationship with a guy or not You can live a full blessed life if you recognize that the relationship with yourself matters most And then when you're out dating you vet for someone else Who also cares about their own self-worth self-confidence self-esteem self-reliance Their sovereignty that's my invitation for everyone. This is why when I work with a client 90 of the time they say this was so much different than what I thought because you helped me find out who I am Let me repeat that I helped them find out who they are on the inside and that's my invitation for everyone All right, time to take some more questions. Thank you so much Calling rights men put the wrong towels on the floor every single time we hate that and they hate being told That is true, but you point it you complained about them. You made it more about them and not about us Complaining about you. I just want to point that out Um All right Oops All right, if you have a question post the word question and write the question so I can find it or buy a super sticker bridge says old fashion is best What does that mean everybody? Everybody I want you to understand something that is this old fashion is the rules and let me tell you something We used to live in a severely patriarchal society where men dominated women and treated women like chattel Let me repeat that men dominated women and treated them like chattel chattel means property I am not a big proponent of old fashion. This is why we have such Discourse going on in the united states here because of old rules So I know it sounds fantasy wise to say old fashion, but I'm here to say the old fashion The only difference then Was basically women were subservient to men and I'm not a big subscriber to that I know plenty of women would prefer to be in a one-up one-down relationship I'm a big proponent of two people driving in the street at the same time a two-lane street That's what I promote. I promote partnership If you really want to step into partnership read this book called spiritual partnership by gary zucca Spiritual partnership by gary zucca. Also, you may want to read this business book It's called partnership charter partnership charter. It's a business book But it's a great outline for creating a real partnership with another human being And then of course the book eight dates This is designed to teach you partnership skills because the old fashion way doesn't work today It maybe worked for my mom and dad, but that was a whole different ballgame. My mom slept with one man her whole life People have had multiple multiple relationships today. So the old fashion way is not what I subscribe I subscribe being Being do personal development self-help in spiritual work and choose someone who's doing the same thing So you can drive on that street together. Is this making sense? Is this sinking in because I think old fashion Isn't working. That's my perspective. Anyway curious to hear what others here think Um The yoga preacher. Oh, that's so true older dating means looking at the relationship at the 70s and 80s Oh, that's so true older dating means looking at that relationship at 70 and 80. I don't know what that means But thank you Um bridge says A guy said to me. I want to take care of you for the next day Wait, and then the next day he said he doesn't want to have a relationship So this is it's one thing to say the words now Remember if he's saying those words during the lust or limerence phase lust or limerence phase That's usually the first 90 days the first 90 days. Whatever comes out of a guy's mouth Don't accept it as fact Don't accept it as fact until you've actually built the roots to trust This is why when I talk about in my private coaching is understanding the roots to trust And it takes a good 12 months to build solid just to build the first foundation. Oh and first off ladies Let me just tell you this it takes a hundred hours of face to face time Just to get to stage one of getting to know another human being That should take about six weeks to get a hundred hours of face to face time Now some of you might be thinking well, jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship. We can't spend that much time together Here's the problem with long distance relationship You're spending all your time on this device and you're not connecting men cannot let me refrain that Men rarely fall in love through telephone and text Men fall in love through doing shit together social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends so It's not uncommon for a guy in the lustre limerence phase to say I really am into you I'll take care of you and be gone the next day in the early stages now This can certainly happen later in relationship as well It's not uncommon because now most likely it's because of a lack of emotional maturity on his part And this is why I highly recommend vetting for that. Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please hit that like button and let me know All right. Thank you for your question bridge Okay, uh grace writes I'm reading the book why men love bitches. I seem to be guilty of being a bitch, but still can't find my match What the fuck is taking so long? So great question now in my world a bitch stands for Babe in total control of herself babe in total control of herself By the way, I did a video on this if you do a search in youtube put my name and put down Why men love bitches? I did a video on this, but let me just say this a bitch is a woman who has this self-love And I don't mean Self-absorbed I mean she is in her sovereignty or self worth her self-esteem self-confidence Now why you're not meeting someone because the vast majority of people are dysfunctional The vast majority of people are dysfunctional. By the way, I've got my shit together. I think I love myself. It's not easy I had someone ask me this the other day the the more mature emotionally mature you become It is harder It's just a reality of life. That's why the most important relationship is with yourself with yourself That's what matters most and you know what if you allow yourself to love yourself You'll become a magnetic attractor for who you are and what you want or at least These maybe not this lifetime, but you get another chance and another chance and another chance all right Oh I've got here. I see a super sticker and I can't here we go all right I had a wonderful phone call live Live tarot rights. I had a wonderful phone call with a man that was full of laughter Positivity and connection. He later said there's no spark. What did I miss? So I mean I've I've been here before by the way. Thank you for purchasing a super sticker I've been there before I've been on a first date where I've been jovial. I've been Flirty, I've had everything but I just didn't feel it now sometimes I'm doing that in hopes to feel it So it might perceive that I'm into the person, but I'm actually just you know It's kind of like build it. They will come but sometimes at the end of a date you just go You know what for whatever reason For whatever reason something wasn't there now. Here's going back to overanalyzing The problem is if you overanalyze you can always come up with a Rationalization of what wasn't there and just the reality is sometimes it's just not there Even when you click with another person It just you know there's and by the way it means typically you've dodged a bullet And what I mean by dodged a bullet you didn't invest a lot of time Because he didn't invest in you you didn't invest a lot of time energy or your heart with most likely the wrong person So why this happens is because feelings are fickle feelings are floaty. They're it ladies Feelings aren't facts Write this down feelings aren't facts So what that means is one minute you feel happy one minute you feel look at There's my son right there the one who passed away I could be having a great day and be triggered just like that and all of a sudden my moon can shift and I can be an Absolute agony and pain Okay, I was happy seconds before it happened And then it shifted like that and then the pain went away and I went back and you know Maybe I didn't get back up to that level our feelings are floating So they're not facts because they're never they're not they're not Finite they're always changing and always moving Okay, that's why commitment says I'm gonna stick it out even when I'm feeling like I hate your guts My mother even said to me once there was a period of time where I hated your father's guts But she stuck it out and then they you know They actually the last 30 years of their their her life was great But sometimes that's what commitment is is sticking it out through the tough times feelings aren't always facts and so that can happen frequently even on a first date as well Liv I hope that helped. Thank you so much All right, let's see what else we have here Um Oh, someone said men mistake my kindness for attraction. I'm just generally a very kind person carry. Thank you That actually happens to me as well I can be very kind and like I said jovial, but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm into them In fact, I'm kind of that way with everybody so they can mistaken that as feeling for attraction. So that's a very common thing Rosie writes oops, sorry Rosie writes How do you find the strength to move on and focus on yourself and not go back and stop agonizing over a breakup? How do you first off? It's important to Put your attention elsewhere Now one of the things I do to help me is I have a pattern interrupt for my brain where I say blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah I say that over and over until I to help my brain stop focusing number one I redirect my attention or I immediately go to a movie that I like Just to help me take my mind off of it. It takes practice. It takes habitual practice. It's like learning how to play the piano Because here's the thing and by the way, I highly recommend reading this book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller Amir Levine and Rachel Heller attached because what you're actually experiencing with that person is attachment And when you learn about attachment, you can learn how to Detach from another human being highly recommend this book. So I'm going to keep it up for a second longer Attached Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Okay. I hope that helped all right Feelings are fluid exactly Liv says, thank you Okay Hope says do you think the 30 day no contact works after a breakup? Why 30 days? Stupid rules They're okay first up 30 days no contact when someone breaks up with you You don't unless you've agreed to some sort of future contact You have no reason to reach out to them. You have no reason to reach out to them. The question is What do you do when they reach out to you because they always tend to circle back? They always tend to circle back The thing is I wouldn't take someone back when they circle back unless you actually have a game plan Of how you're going to take this relationship to the next level And I would certainly hope that there's been some sort of change behavior But here's my feeling don't follow the stupid rules and don't lean back into your feminine energy You can lean into your sovereignty Everybody should be doing this whether someone breaks up with you or not. You don't need to ever lean back Just keep leaning into your sovereignty 24 7 lean into yourself love. That's what's going to make a difference All right, I hope that helps hope um Question jona, right? How can we stop being scared of disappointment when we start liking someone new? You know my first reaction to that it's almost self-defeating Like Like if you're thinking about disappointment before it's ever happened you will experience disappointment. So let me give an example I'm going to think of professional golfer tiger woods now. I'm because I'm a golfer. I love to play golf And there's something in golf called a par 3 water hole par 3 water hole Okay, that means you're standing on the the the t-box and there's water and then the green If your thoughts are I hope I don't hit it in the water. I hope I don't hit it in the water I hope I don't hit it in the water. I hope I don't hit it in the water What the fuck do you think is going to happen? You're going to hit it in the water. So why not focus about being the following jona How about just saying being open and receptive to love knowing that no human being can hurt you Unless you have to call this is dr. Pat l unless you have to talk to Unless you have to call a doctor an attorney or a policeman. No human being can hurt you Now you might experience what's known. It is emotional abuse, but quite frankly You know, what's he'll saying? You know hurt me once shame on you hurt me twice shame on me or something like that when something happens repetitive and you allow it That's on you not on them So let me just say this by at by walking in with the expectation of being disappointed I promise you you will continually get disappointed disappointed and disappointed because what's the definition of insanity Doing the same thing over again and expecting different results Stop walking in with that start walking in with an open heart saying i'm open and receptive to love And just be loving that's all you have to do is be loving Without expectations without an agenda the right person is going to be a match and the wrong person's going to run away simple as that Or the well the wrong person The problem is we're so hyper focused on chemistry that we don't recognize the wrong person All right, tina lee writes Perfect analogy. I've done the same in disc golf. Don't hit the tree. Don't hit the tree. Don't hit the fucking tree And what do I do? I hit the tree. Thank you Tracy writes Been talking to a guy for three months, but don't want to talk on the phone So I just talk as much wait been talking to a guy for three months But don't talk don't want to talk on the phone So we just talk as much as we do When he stops I stop talking. I'm putting my focus on the things I move on very quickly All right ladies. I want to teach you at my formula It's called three two one three. Let me repeat that three two one three 90 percent of most people today are meeting on the internet their first date 90 percent of people I mean it's it really is almost that much most first date for oh, let me just say this for the demographic Over 35 years old in their 40s 50s and 60s most youngster and by the way youngsters are meeting on this too So quite frankly, it's probably everybody. I just meant I want to differentiate from college kids who are physically surrounded by people Okay, you're meeting on the internet Now unless you're talking long distance to someone which I'm not a big fan of but it can happen If someone lives nearby you should have three email exchanges or text messages Exchanges which should lead to two now when I mean by three email exchanges You might have a conversation one day and another day of email conversation another email Three conversations should lead to two phone calls Which should lead to one date and this should all happen in three weeks period of time You should never be talking to someone for three months Because here's the what happens It's not real until it's real Let me repeat that it's not real until it's real until you actually are face to face with one another. It's not real It's just telephone. It's just a pen pal. So just recognize it for that It's not real until you're face to face meeting each other And then it takes a hundred hours of face to face time to get to know someone Whatever telephone time that it counts so little Oh, by the way ladies never do this in front of a guy. I'm gonna repeat that never do that in front of a guy Don't spend guys Okay, I'm gonna go because I'm a guy I can get away with it guys Attached this much over the telephone women attached this much over. Oh shit. I got pit stains. Oh, there we go again This much over the telephone guys attach this much Don't spend that much time on the phone meet face to face get on the phone And either get busy living or get busy dying and what movie says that get busy living or get busy dying post it below all right Uh trish writes Oh, I'm gonna get to Amy's one here a second, but trish writes tish tish excuse me I've been dating a man for four months. We both have busy careers and are in school He wants to take things slow, but I feel like there is zero progress on his side question. Do I stay or move on? You know what? These are these are hard questions for me to ask without some more details But the fact that he take by the way when a man says he wants Okay, let's just address when a man says he wants to take it slow It simply means I don't like you enough I don't know you well enough to know if I want to take care of you. I'm gonna repeat that I don't know you well enough or I don't like you well enough to know I want to take care of you But I'm really happy to get all the benes in other words I'm happy to get the connection and I'm happy to get the sex without any game plan for the future That's what it means when he says taking it slow. I don't know if I like you well enough So but I do enjoy all the benes Okay So with whatever it's worth to you you've got to ask yourself What do you want? Because to me a relationship for four months should be progressing like this It shouldn't be like this Okay, a relationship should be progressing progressing progressing progressing So when a guy says takes it slow, he's just like this. He's happy to get all the benefits It's called what ester going back to ester parel's book ester parel book mating and captivity That's what's known as stable ambiguity stable ambiguity. It's stable being you have monogamy and exclusivity It's ambiguous as to where the fuck is this relationship going Ladies it doesn't take men more than three to six months to know whether or not They really want to go the distance with you But we are happy to enjoy your company and not go the distance with you Men and women alike are happy to be Ambiguous and when I say they're happy to be because they choose bad relationships over and over and over again There must be a reason why people choose bad relationships over and over and over again They get some sort of Subconscious subconscious satisfaction from that now four months is hard to say But I think it's time to have here's my recommendation tish Buy two copies of this book and say listen If you want the penis to go on the vagina on a regular basis, then we're going to read this book together Otherwise, bye-bye That's my invitation for you All right, I hope that helped Doug Doug my man ladies are really great guys in the house And he says as a guy I try to move things along quickly to meet a woman in the person Versus talking on the phone or texting meeting for coffee or walk having a chat face to face. Yes, there's my man dog Um, I'm assuming you work. Uh, so you missed my live streams of this hour Ladies if you want to date a great guy here is one now, honestly, I haven't met him So I don't know him personally, but he seems like a really good guy So I highly recommend hit on this guy right now Thanks, Doug. I really appreciate it Okay bridge writes I've dated about a hundred people I've met over the internet first and within milliseconds face to face It didn't click with 98 of them. So I believe in random meeting someone off the internet by chance Wait, so I believe in random meeting someone off the internet by chance bridge Imagine if you did all those hundred dates on zoom On your phone FaceTime zoom imagine if you'd done that instead You would have eliminated 98 those people without ever leading the house. By the way folks. I highly recommend These days get on zoom get on FaceTime right away before you invest your time on the phone Let me tell you something a matchmaker had I've had matchmakers reach out to me many a times for blind dates And I've been so disappointed now. I'm saying look, let's get on zoom for 30 minutes because I'd okay All I have to do is wear a nice top. I don't have to do anything fancy It's a first meeting folks ladies this whole notion of fancy dating has to go out the window Let's meet on zoom really quickly to see if we do the sniff test Like a dog sniff test That's it. It's you're right. It takes milliseconds to know if it's going to get to a second date So get on zoom do that to save yourself time and frustration who agrees with me Jennifer right and thank you. By the way, Jennifer writes Wait a minute. I got to say Doug said this I paired Jonathan handsomely. So these things. Thank you so much Uh, oh, where did Jennifer's question go? All right I want to meet more men who will go deep on dates small talk is boring. I try deep questions, but many Won't go there right away. Yes, Jennifer. That is true. Many people have a hard time going deep This is why I recommend reading this book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated. I love this book. This teaches you a lot of depth But listen depth is hard for people. They don't feel safe They don't feel safe They don't feel safe Because people are hurting inside the number one emotional health issue for most humans is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable. I'm not likeable. This is true for men. This is true for women This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the work first because it doesn't matter if they can't go deep What matters most is no matter what happens. You're going to be okay. Let me repeat that no matter what happens You're going to be okay. And we don't have to judge The other gender we don't have to judge genders. We don't have to judge anybody We don't have to and my invitation is to come from a place of loving Because ultimately whether it goes the distance or not The relationship you're only going to have one relationship your whole life and that's with yourself Have that to be the best relationship in your life And I want to recommend one more time this book return to love by Marianne Williamson return to love This is the cd by the book by the audio by the audibles. I highly recommend it You know what folks? I think this will be a great time to wrap up for our live stream today I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I want to thank you so much for those Kind wishes on mother's day for my ex that her name is erin. That's collin. That's connor who passed away That's me and collin where we're in amsterdam and that's connor and his mom Thank you so much for your love and support. I cannot tell you how much I appreciated on the post yesterday I'm going to come back on friday with some more content So be on the lookout as well as some shorts and some other videos during the week So let's say goodbye to everyone right now I want to thank you so much from the bottom of my heart And if you want any support check out the links below and Schedule a discovery call check out my podcast called the what would love to podcast Check out all the books jonathan recommends books I want to wish you all a super duper wonderful evening. I'm first off I'm going to give myself a big gigantic jonathan bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to a pet or a teddy bear or a friend or a pillow Uh and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks. Shelly. Thanks taylor. Thanks collin. Thanks. Doug Thanks claire. Thanks much dutch. Thanks tina lee. Thank you. I'm amazing. Thank you all Have a wonderful day. Bye now