 To be or not to be that is the question whether it is no blur in the minds to suffer the flings and arrows of outrageous fortune What to take arms against the sea of trouble and by opposing and them? Oh murder of the night I'll frack RCA Victor we're leader of radio first and recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Bay show Enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Bay show transcribed written by Ed James and Lou Dermond with Elliot Lewis Walter Tetley John Hubbard Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter Sharpen his music and yours truly Bill Foreman the title of tonight's little clam bake is The barbells of Scotland or who put the muscle in mr. Harris's bustle? First however here's a word from our CA Victor now the stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Bay and Phil Harris There's a place for everything and everything has its place that's what I always say What do you always say anyway tonight as we look in on the Harris's Phil and Alice are busy trying to find a spot in the living room For their new seats Love seats that is You're my everything underneath the sun You're my everything Oh Okay, honey, you just say the word and these pin used of steel will snap into action These brawny shoulders will spring to accomplish the impossible Harris the living view frame will never mind Philip step aside and I'll push the love seat Where do you want it Alice? Over near the fireplace, I think Over near the fireplace There how does that look somehow a love seat doesn't look right in front of a fireplace. Hey put straps on it It'll make a good hot seat You think it would look better what are you asking him for you think of it You don't even know what a love seat is. Oh, I wouldn't say that ask me I'm an expert on all that furniture stuff whoop and Dale chicken scoop Not a pine Palomino mahogany Ask me anything I wouldn't and why not pray Because pray it's none of the neighbor's business pray Why not pray the long pray Oh Alice I'm exhausted You're exhausted you ever try lugging them cushions around Ah Philip, let's face it. You're too old to indulge in activity of a physical nature Oh, I am I am for your information even a diesel engine pops a little when it's getting up steam I know but in your case it isn't steam merely hot air You all fell an apology Come on. Come on. Apologize. Well, I apologize Philip. That's more like it. I really should have more respect or old age Old age Look Willie when you're wearing a toupee. They'll still be using my hair as a model for Shirley Temple doll Nervous that guy he didn't know I'm a strong vaiden Alice do I look like I'm softening up? Maybe we better leave the love seat where it is Phil. I don't want you to strain yourself I'm not straining myself and stop making me out like an old man. I come in I am bad Don't go calling me dad Ain't much call around for banjo's Clyde Quite in hip today, Alice. Well, you know Phil Willie you're at it again. Oh Girlie, you shouldn't let Willie aggravate your high blood pressure like that. Don't aggravate my Who's got high blood pressure? Oh, I didn't mean that curly I just meant getting excited ain't the best thing for hardened arteries. That's all well. I know it ain't been Who's that hardened arteries oh an old uncle of mine. He's only 44 and this was a plank I've got a lot of steak too You know plank steak Look Elliott, I got news for you. It ain't funny. I thought it was rather Joe Hey Alice that Willie must have given up for your hard time, huh? Well, he only meant it felt good There is getting a little heavy for his age that goes again. There goes again for his age last week It was the same thing. You're getting old you're falling apart Oh, you know, I played hooky from the fifth grade to see you and Alexander's rag time You know that don't you Way you talk you think I was 80 years old a quintuplet or something. I knew that wouldn't get nothing And another time excuse me Philip what you do now Nothing, then why do I have to excuse you for I? Merely wish to speak to my sister if you Don't pay any attention to old man mo's I'll just curl up in front of the fire and count my vote for McKinley button What is it Willie Alice? I merely wanted to tell you that I'm going shopping good I'll go with you. We'll be back in a little while. Yeah, good while you're out if you can pick me up from all that That's have them fell backwards Tell me I'm getting no younger than any of We're getting younger all the time. Hi girly six more birthdays, and I'll be back playing that sock symbol in high school I Curly, what are you grinning at? Oh, I'm not grinning I was yawning and my lip got stuck Well, I'm stick it because it ain't funny Yeah, Curly, I hate to say this about the woman you love, but she's right right about what about you You ain't got no more muscles than a clam diggers apron That's so I Got muscles. I ain't even used I got muscles. I ain't never going to you Trouble you Curly. You don't get no exercise. What are you talking about? I worked on I know sure, but Curly flipping Alice's coupons ain't exactly a pick-and-shubble job. I Use heavy scissors But ain't enough you gotta lift that bar Hope that bail go ahead. You're leaving out the best line Oh, you get a little Curly you know what you need exercise you want to work out every day like Rocky Marciano or Kit Gavilan Millicent Berry Hmm. Oh Millicent Berry who she a Girl I work out with from time to time Look Elliott. No, I'm not kidding. Curly you ought to do something like women. I got it I know just the thing and it won't cost you a dime a barbell You know, I've always wanted one of them things you did sure Saves you banging your knuckles on the bar when you want to refill Get a whole set, you know, they got all different kinds early They got martini barbells with a petrified Ollie for a clanger They got them old-fashioned barbells with or without a cherry early. You're interrupting me Elliott. Let me dream Oh, I got a friend who works out with the weights all the time. Oh That kind of barbell. I bet you if I call the ox, he'll be glad to lend you one Ah At your friend, you don't see him curly. He's built like a statue like a Greek God Yes, huh a regular a Donna and girl But they go nuts about him I do He gives his rejects to Marlon Brando Now Well, yeah, I have been feeling a little sluggish lately Maybe a little exercise would be good for me. Um, say, uh, why don't you call your friend and see if you can borrow a barbell? All right, I'll call him right now In the meantime, you can work out with the orchestra the Bill Muscles. You can't fill muscles with an orchestra Vaughn Monroe did Go wash your mouth out with an RCA Oh, where'd you pick that up? I'll try it. Once you mean old muscle voice. All right. Come in here. Follow this truck He's the one he's all Today He's putting in the pot Just nine days old Well a patty cake a patty cake a baker's man. You got to put it in the oven just as fast you can Some like it hot some like the cold. I like it in the pot nine days. Oh He's puttin cold Just nine care much about on the school. It was all working. No play Home about Puttin in the pot That's nine days old nine days. Oh, I don't like cam I don't like greens if I get out of this by no means There's only one dish that pops But But That's on here's 15 cents go watch that elephant jump the fan We didn't get back till the 4th of July Go go put it Oxy this is curly. Yeah, glad to know you oxy boy. You want to shake hands with me. I'll have to reach down I don't bend so good But I tell you curly pure muscle Yeah, hey oxy you didn't forget to bring the barbell. Did you forget it? What do you think this is under me arm? May west He's a kid That's the barbell curly boy. It's a big one ain't it must weigh 300 pounds No, why can't you what's that thing way oxy all this will go easy 350 in a couple of odd ounces. Hey, look, I gotta go home and rinse out a few things. Where do you want the barbell? Oh Just toss it over here or sit. Okay, I Wonder if Alice is gonna like a sunken living room Poxy, what did you do that for because you ask for it? Thank you ox baker Tomorrow if you want I'll bring a bigger one. Oh, no, no, no oxy. That's gonna be fine. Great. Thank you very much Okay, fellas, I'll be seeing you. What's your hurry ox? You heard a Shelley. You heard a Keats. Goodbye, sad world the ox retreats Nice guy. Yeah, what does he do drives a good humor wagon? It figures mm-hmm. Well, I listen to you again, Elliot That's all I have to do just listen to you now. What are we gonna do about that hole in the floor? Same as last time cover it with a rug Can't do that Alice will find out not till somebody falls through All right. All right, go ahead. You get a rug and I'll lift the barbell, right? I'll have to might well start man. Just get a good hold on this thing Hey Elliot, yeah, I'll get the rug you lift the barbell Come on a cap it out heavy curly. Come on. You'll take one and I'll take the other you're right Yeah, what why don't we both get the rug? We got to get this thing out of here before Alice sees it now Let's move it with what with what I asked you first Elliot there's got to be some way Hey, we can only find a crowbar or something to shove underneath Yeah, but where are we gonna find a crowbar or something to shove underneath? Charlie our little crow bait Come here Julius, he's gonna hurt you Julius boy Thing to say after mr. Harris was going to give you this beautiful barbell for a Christmas present Kids you you see well that way I get to deduct it from my income tax Everybody knows that you lift the barbell and where is it overhead? Conductible item if ever I heard one Nice thinking curly ought to do my taxes next year Well Julius if you want it she's yours just pick it up and trot on home with it I had kid where you waiting for it Fine you hear that Elliot. He don't trust it. I can't understand Okay, you want to act that way. We'll just have to keep it ourselves. Well now you're talking Okay, Julius lay down. This ain't just an ordinary barbell It's for developing stomach muscles. Yeah, and it only works when you're flat on your back Okay, kid. What are you waiting for? Tell him to lay down and you lay down with him things like this Okay, give me a hand. We'll just roll this bar barrel over on top of Okay, Julius stand up take it home Right one Three you know what curly it's stuck Now what do we do? I don't know Maybe we feed him a couple of hundred cakes of yeast And he swells up and the barbell slides off Sounds logical We rent ourselves a Derek yeah Hey a Derek. Hey, how's that sound to you Julius? The kids acting Elliot, you know something might think he's getting bomby Again Get about it they ain't been no music Look, it's that barbell on your chest. That's what doing it. The whole thing is an obstacle delusion Julius will you just keep quiet now and wake a lelly gets back with a Derek and we'll get you fixed up and nothing flat He's back. Hey Alex Derek in town She's gonna murder me there's always take it easy now move it back a little I got news for you take it over to Julius What are you worrying about? It's only a dairy. Oh, yeah, bring it down. I got the hook it out of this barbell Okay, I'll it all hooked up. Okay, this time. Just take it right straight up right straight up. Okay, right Out of boy Okay, Julius you can get up now you're loose Julius Julius, where are you done? You wrecked my whole piano. I would say somewhere between middle-sea in the basement Lady are you caught in the kitchen traffic jam when you serve a big meal must you choose between cold biscuits and a cold roast? Well, you know the new RCA estate range serves you a problem of getting everything at once You can serve everything meat biscuit vegetable sauces coffee steaming hot at their peak of savory perfection The barbecue or meat oven for charcoal done flavor the hideaway griddle for top of range grilling the big balance heat bake oven Dependable performance easy operation the new the wonderful the sensational RCA estate gas and electric rangers at your dealers now This is Phil again on Tuesday, October the 20th I'll be in Cleveland Bob hopes hometown to appear with Bob on his first television show of the season Give us a look him. Huh? Good night. Good night, everybody Included in this program friend pride with Alan Reed the part of Julius was played by Walter Ketley This has been an NBC radio network production