 A. Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television, proudly present. Playhouse star Lucille Ball, production Miss Grant Takes Richmond, director Lloyd Bacon. Hollywood screen directors present a tale of arms of the secretary. Tonight transcribed for the first time on the air, the motion picture comedy Miss Grant Takes Richmond, starring Lucille Ball in her original role of Ellen Grant. It'll only take a few seconds, Miss. We usually try to hide her when we have a Miss Grant. And now, Mr. Richmond. It's all right, Mr. Woodruff. I'll take that girl. That girl? Very well. Mr. Richmond. That's Miss Grant. That's right. Richmond Takes Miss Grant. Mr. Kilcoyne, I want you to meet our new receptionist, Miss Ellen Grant. Receptionist? How do you do, Mr. Kilcoyne? I'm sure I'll please you. I have a diploma here from the Woodruff Center. Never mind, Miss Grant. One more thing. Yes, sir? That room that Mr. Kilcoyne just left. Yes, sir? It's our conference room. I see. And no one but Mr. Kilcoyne and myself is permitted to enter. Is that clear? Yes, yes. Perfectly clear. Fine. Mr. Kilcoyne, the conference room. Yeah. What do we need? What a receptionist. She thinks we're in the real estate business. Besides, she's a perfect front. Nice eyes, nice hair, and nothing under her. Hello? Yeah, yeah. You're in. Morningstar, 8th of Pinnacle. Right. Some bookie outfit we are with a dame yet. Don't worry about the dame. She was the dumbest one in the whole school. So was my wife, but I'm still paying her alimony. Look, if you're so worried about her finding out, why don't you give her some dictation? Here, uh, answer this circular. Tell them we'll buy the proper. Buy it. Well, what's the difference so long as we don't send the letter? Okay, but we need a secretary like a horse needs a yacht. Hey, Miss Grant, I got here a letter for you to answer. Now, take this to the, uh, Sunset Knolls Estates. In your offer to sell 20 choice acres, uh, am I going too fast for you? Oh, no, sir. Nobody can go too fast for me. Why not? Oh, when I get stuck, I just put in a dooper. A what? A dooper. You see, when I can't remember the right sign, I just make something else dooper it. You're a genius. Oh, no, I'm no genius. No kidding. Well, take the rest of the letter. Offer to sell 20 acres of choice land at $60,000. We'll take it. What are you going to do with it? Oh, well, we'll build some of them their dream houses. You mean a low-cost housing project? Yeah, yeah, one of them. Why, I think that's wonderful. People in this town need cheaper places to live. Especially after we get through with them. You type that up, Miss Grant. If you forget a word. I'll just put in a dooper. Yeah, dooper. Judge Grant, please. Guess what? You've been fired? Why haven't been fired? You haven't? And your boss must be an idiot. No, he isn't. He's going to build a low-cost housing project. Oh, I can't talk any longer, Uncle Ben. A lady just came in. Uh, yes, madam, can I do something for you? Well, that depends on whether you're Dick's secretary or his hobby. Where is he? Oh, uh, whom shall I say is calling? Peggy Donato. I'll go right in. Oh, but you can't go in there. That's the conference room. I know, and I got some tall talking to do. Aren't you going to kiss me, Dick? Well, as I recall, the last man to kiss you is now among the dear departed. He just wasn't up to the strains of our business, Dick. But you are. I want you back in my organization. Look, get this Peggy and get it straight. It's your big time bookmaking. I'm small. I like it this way. It keeps my lifeline long. Does it also keep you playing footy-footy with Miss Dreamy Puss out in the front office? That's strictly business. It should have been that way with us. Well, in that case, my sweet, goodbye. But, Dick. What is it? That lifeline of yours had suddenly become a lot shorter. Well, bright eyes, who do you think you're kidding with that hunting peck system? I beg your pardon? Are you too busy to give Dick a message for me? What kind of a message? You better write it down. You do write, don't you? Mrs. Dinotto, any word you can pronounce, I can write. Wonderful. Tell him I have an investment he'd better take. $5,000 on the Flywell property at Belmont. $5,000 Flywell property at Belmont. I have it. Congratulations. I knew you'd make it. Oh, and I had such a wonderful comeback. Miss Grant. Yes, sir? I'm going out to invest in some racetrack properties. Yes, Mr. Richmond. Oh, I almost forgot. Here's the letter Mr. Kilcoin asked me to type up. Miss Grant, why don't you get a cushion and type on the floor? Yes, sir. Let me see the letter. $60,000 is the price, huh? Well, I've changed my mind, Miss Grant. $55,000 is my top-over. Oh, but what about the low-cost housing project? I'm afraid we'll have to forget about that. Forget about it? All those wonderful plans? Well, there must be something I can do. There is, Miss Grant. Just stick to your doofers. Grant, where have you been all afternoon? Smoothing the way for better housing, Mr. Richmond. Hello, Mr. Kilcoin. Great. Here, I'd like you to meet my uncle Ben. Glad to meet you, Mr. Richmond. My uncle and I have arranged it so you can buy the Sunset Knoll's property for $50,000. Isn't that cheap? It's a steal. Mider. We even brought the papers. A sign here. I'm sorry, but I've reconsidered the deal and, well, I don't think we'd care to do business. The transaction seems to be a very wise one. And my uncle ought to know he's a judge. A judge? I resigned from the front. Well, there, Kilcoin. Kilcoin, since the judge feels so strongly about this, why, we'll sign. Oh, good. Just sign here, Mr. Richmond. Thank you. Ms. Grant, there must be some way to reward you for this wonderful achievement. And we'll find it. Oh, Mr. Richmond, the only reward I want is a privilege of doing more. That's what I figured. Mr. Richmond, you've done a fine thing for your city. Good day. Well, Ms. Grant, you fixed us up quite an investment. Oh, thank you. Investment. Oh, that reminds me, Mr. Richmond. Mr. Nato left a message this morning. She wants to invest $5,000 in the fly well property at Belmont. Five... We can't take that kind of bet. I mean, investment. Kilcoin, get her on the phone and cancel it. It's too late. Well, what about fly well? Check the odds. I mean, the closing market. I got the investment results right here. Let's see. Oh, Mr. Richmond. The fly well property has hit oil at 10 to 1. That means we owe Peggy 50 grand. I don't understand, Mr. Richmond. I'll kill her. I'll murder her. Crazy, easy, Mr. Kilcoin. Unclench your fist and we'll adjourn to the conference room. I can't stand this. Will you fire that thing? For what? All she did was try to save us money. We can't make her suspicious. Why don't you just shove her off of a nice cliff? Better than that. I'll make her quit. You mean... I mean, allow me a minute with Ms. Grant. She's all yours. Ms. Grant. Yes, sir? You've been doing a swell job. Oh, thank you. I've done my best. Yes, and I have a special way to reward efficient secretaries. You have? Yes, like this. Mr. Richmond. Oh. Oh, Mr. Richmond. Oh. How many secretaries have you had? Dozens. Oh. Doesn't this kind of thing give you a lot of trouble with your secretaries? Yes, but it gives me a lot of fun, too. Mr. Richmond. You are in the market for a new secretary, young, pretty, and delinquent. The point. She's gone. Maggie isn't. She just phoned to say that she wants either you should come back to the organization or she wants a 50 grand. I suppose she doesn't get it. She'll measure you for a suit of concrete pajamas. Thick. Thick, we're in trouble. Bad. Mr. Richmond, I'm back. Oh, I didn't know when we was well off. I've decided that it's my duty to the housing problem, but any further display of passion, Mr. Richmond, and I will ask my uncle, the judge, to install a policeman at my desk. Mr. Richmond. Yes, Mr. Kilcoyne. The conference room. You are listening to the screen director's playhouse production of Miss Grant Takes Richmond, starring Lucille Ball and presented by RCA Victor. Perhaps you remember that delightful literary character, the Vicar of Wakefield. He spent a whole year's income having a beautiful portrait of his family painted outdoors in their garden, only to find when it was finished that it was too big to get into the house. Well, it's that way with television sets. Beautiful or not, they don't do you much good unless they fit your house. Why, you'll be so delighted with the wide choice offered by RCA Victor's 14 different 1950 television models. Somewhere among them is the one perfectly suited to your particular living quarters. And you get further assurance of television tailored to you with the exclusive RCA Victor factory service contract, available for a very reasonable extra fee. This contract covers expert installation to suit your house and your location, not to mention your landlord. It also covers expert service for a year. Yes, from every angle, you'll always be glad you chose RCA Victor Television. America's first, America's finest, America's favorite. Now back to screen director's playhouse production of Miss Grant Takes Richmond, starring Lucille Ball and her original role of Ellen Grant. Among the cataclysms that have beset mankind are Fire, Famine, Blood, and Ellen Grant. The bookie firm of Richmond and Kilcoin has felt the sting of Ellen's good works to the tune of $100,000, and Ellen still hasn't discovered that her employers are not in the real estate business. Yeah? No, no, sorry, sorry, no bets. We're temporarily out of business. That, that Grant Dame, all we have to do is pay for a $50,000 building tract and pay off another $50,000 to Peggy Donato's mob. And she was too sure of that 10-0-1. The race must have been fixed. Fixed? Why can't we do the same thing? We don't know any horses that well. I don't mean horses. I mean the real estate racket. Okay, Miss Grant wants a low-cost housing project. Well, why don't we go ahead and build it? Sure, sure. Where do we get the money? From the people who want the houses. Let them pay part of the cost in advance. It won't take long to cream $50,000 off the top to pay Peggy's gang. Yeah, but what do we do about Grant the goon girl? We let her handle the whole thing. All we touch is the money. She's the front. Come on. Oh, Miss Grant. Mr. Richmond, if you put a hand on me, I'll scream. Mr. Kilcoin and I have a problem. Well, perhaps I can help you with it. Yeah, you're the great little fixer. It's just this. We want to go ahead with the housing project, see? Build the whole thing ourselves. But we're awful busy. Now, it's going to be a big job. We'll take care of the books, but the operation needs somebody to head it up. A person with brains, initiative, energy, leadership. Now, Miss Grant, do you know a person like that? Yes. Who? Me. Do you have all those qualities? I used to be a campfire girl. And Miss Grant, the job is yours. Oh, thank you, Mr. Richmond. I'll prepare myself. How? Beginning tonight, I'm going to start taking vitamin pills. Protect in charge. I am, Miss Grant. But look at these plans. I'd like this moved over here. All right, Miss Grant. If you want to climb up on the roof every time you take a bath, that's your business. Yes, Miss Grant. I've got an idea. We don't have to wait until the foundation is finished to build the framework. What is your idea? Start from the top and work down. What's going to hold the building up? It'll just hang. We won't be able to get them back when we want them. Then let them stay. We can't pay them if they're not working. Then let them go. Oh, Miss Grant, I admire your feminine attitude, but you've got to make up your mind. I don't have any. I know that. And an attitude, energy and initiative and leadership. Mr. Richmond. Willa Cone Fawnton told me you were pretty upset. I thought I'd come over to your place and wait for you. I'm sorry, Mr. Richmond. I kind of let you down, too, I guess. You and all those people who were hoping for homes. Well, don't worry about me. Things just didn't work out. We'll tell the people together, Alan. Boy, when I mess things up, I mess them up for everyone. Hey, hey, hey, I thought we were going to take the blame. You can't, Dick. You're just getting started in business. Yeah, but it was a false start. I think I'll make some different arrangements. Peg, you're the luxury kid. But I'm here to pay a debt. $50,000. Clean and crisp. You offered to forget this, though, if I came back into your organization. Does that offer still hold? Oh, money's only money. But, Dick, I want you back, baby. With interest. OK, you've got me. I've got some business to clean up. After that, I'm working for you again. $48,000, $49,000, $50,000, $50,000 bills. They're yours, Alan, for the project. Dick, I can't believe it. Oh, that beautiful lattice. But where did it come from? What's the difference as long as it's here? Pardon me while I go out and buy a black suit. I'm going in morning. Alan, will you look after the office? Yes, sir. Come out for a walk, kill coin. I'll explain the whole thing. Conference room phone. Well, I guess it's all right to answer it. Yes, this is Dick Richmond's. You want a place of what? But there's nobody here by the name of Flying Bathtub. A horse. Oh, I see. Twenty across. Was that message from me, Miss Grimm? Oh, yes. And it's too bad you didn't get here sooner. It was a good bet. I'm sorry, Alan. Now what, the police? No, no. I wouldn't want people to know that my uncle, a judge, was taken in by a... a bookie. Well, I'm going out of business anyway. Why? The deal with Peggy Donato. You remember her. Yes, I remember her. Hey, Miss Grant, what are you doing in the conference room? Forget it, kill coin. She knows. And now I'll clean out my desk, Mr. Richmond. And when you pick your next sucker, give her my regards. Easy, you ought not to jump at concussions. I sure found a swell guy to fall for. Him and his Peggy Donato. Oh, it ain't as if he wants it that way. But getting you that 50 Gs for the housing project put him in a hot tour. What? Sure, he hates her. I'll bet. Yeah, he was trying to level with you. Why, he was even fixing to get out of this racket. He was? Sure, the way the horses are running these days there's more throwing real estate. Well, then, then Dick's in trouble. Oh, Annie. Well, can we do anything to help him? Nah, nothing. Peggy Donato runs with a pretty tough crowd. Tough, huh? Well, Mr. Kill Coin, if my months at the Woodruff Secretarial School taught me nothing else, they taught me courage. Donato, watch out. Is your business all straightened away? Sure, Peggy. I'm in fine. Oh, I have a drink and get familiar with my home. He'll be spending a lot of time here. Okay, sister, reach. Ellen. Come on, come on. Put him up before I guzzle you with this rod. Oh, cut it out. That stuff went out with bathtub gin. Well, I'm bringing a bat syndicate, will ya? Stay no good to me anymore, but the kids miss him. Okay, sleuth, let's start moving. Got a range for a counter. Put the gun away. Shit, I'm gonna be boss from here on in. Yeah, what references you got? The Woodruff Secretarial School and this. Hey, I... Grant just took Richmond. You have just heard the last act of Miss Grant takes Richmond. And our star, Lucille Ball, with our guest screen director, Lloyd Bacon, will be with us in just a moment. Next Friday, another great star brings a magnificent performance to the screen director's playhouse. Our story for the first time on the air is Flamingo Road and recreating her original role will be Joan Crawford with screen director Michael Curtiz. Now, here to get a tonight's star, Lucille Ball. Say, Lucille, I'm told you practically run your ranch to dance music via RCA Victor's new 45 RPM system. That's right, Jimmy. That Victrolo 45 is so tiny and lightweight, even loaded with records, that I carry it right into the barn and milk the cows to dance time. It's wonderful for the figure. Yours or the cows? The cows. We have the only 45 RPM cows in the San Fernando Valley. But seriously, Jimmy, those 45 dance band records are simply super. How does RCA Victor corner so many top musicians? Well... I'll bet they use one of those magic RCA Victor devices like radar. They probably spy out all new babies who are going to grow up to be outstanding musicians to sign them up at the ripe old age of one. Well, you'd think so to hear the first anniversary album of ten records which RCA Victor has just issued. This new album, Lucille, celebrates the first birthday of the 45 RPM system. It has records by Al Goodman, Tex Beniki, Tommy Dorsey, Perry Como... Oh, that Perry Como. I'll bet when he was a baby he even cooed in perfect pitch. And speaking of a perfect pitch, Lucille, what do you think of this one? Right now, everybody who buys a Victrola 45 Ey, the fastest automatic phonograph ever made, gets that first anniversary album right along with it for the usual price of the Victrola 45 Ey alone. Only $29.95. Say, I'll go for that. It would make a swell present. Let's see, $29.95. Will you take a check, Jimmy? Wait a minute. I don't happen to have a Victrola 45 on me at the moment. Well, you could have. It's so small. You're not doing right by RCA Victor. Oh, boy. Miss Grant takes Richmond and Miss Ball takes Wellington. Well, honestly, Lucille, the man to see is that good friend of yours and everybody's. Your very own RCA Victor dealer. The man here I'd like you to meet. The director of Miss Grant takes Richmond. I don't think he invented show business, but for about four decades now, he's certainly helped to keep it going. Along the way, he's brought you such swell film entertainment as Mother is a Freshman, it happens every spring, and you were meant for me. And now here he is, my director, Lloyd Bacon. Thank you, Lucille. But you make it sound as if I'm on a timeline picture. Well, aren't you, Lloyd? I'm just a beginner. After all, I started in 1915. Oh, I see. You're just learning. You know one thing I'm learning right now? What's that? Stay on a movie set and stay away from really a microphone. Well, you're not going to get away yet, Lloyd. Because working with you, I've found out just how much a person can learn in all your years of picture making. When an actress has a director full of knowledge like that, picture making doesn't seem nearly as difficult as it is. Thank you, Lloyd, for showing me how. Thank you, Lucille. But how about you showing me what to do about this microphone? Oh, that's easy. Good night, Lloyd. Good night, everyone. Good night, Lucille. Welcome back to you, Lucille Ball and Lloyd Bacon. Remember next Friday, Joan Crawford in Flamingo Road with screen director Michael Kurtiz, another first brought to you by RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television. Miss Grant Takes Richmond was presented through the courtesy of Columbia Pictures, producers of no sad songs for me, starring Margaret Sullivan, Wendell Corey, and Vivica Linfords. The ball can be heard on her own radio show and will soon be seen in the Columbia Pictures production, The Fuller Brush Girl. Lloyd Bacon appeared through the courtesy of 20th Century Fox, producers of the technicolor picture, Ticket to Tomahawk. Included in tonight's cast were Stephen Dunn as Dick Richmond, Herb Vigren, Jean Bates, Frank Nelson, Norman Field, Arthur Q. Bryan, and Frank Barton. Miss Grant Takes Richmond was adapted for radio by Richard Allen Simmons, and original music was composed and conducted by Robert Arm Brewster. Screen Directors Playhouse is produced under the supervision of Howard Wiley and directed by Bill Karn. Portions of tonight's broadcast were transcribed. You are invited to listen again next Friday when RCA Victor presents Screen Directors Playhouse star Joan Crawford, production Flamingo Road, director Michael Kurtiz. Listen next for Jimmy Loretty on NBC.