 Lux presents Hollywood. The Lux Radio Theatre brings you Bob Burns in Alias the Deacon with Helen Wood. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. Even in the 20th century, there's no telling where you'll run into Robin Hood or under what name. Tonight, he's a long way from Sherwood Forest. He wears not a suit of Lincoln Green, but one of modest black. He doesn't carry a longbow, but a deck of cards. And his name, known to every sheriff in the Middle West, is the Deacon. But don't be alarmed. Of all the gentry who deal cards with scientific knowledge instead of blind hope, the hero in our play, Alias the Deacon, is the most charming and the gentlest. His coat may conceal a pair of aces, but beneath it beats a heart of gold. It's a part for Bob Burns, if ever there was one, and so we followed the inspired lead of Universal Pictures by casting him in this radio adaptation of the Screen Success. It took a little persuasion, though, to get him here. Bob said he'd promised some fellow to go fishing with him. We got him to postpone his trip only by revealing a very special rendezvous for trout. I'd been reserving that spot for a holiday of my own, after finishing the picture Northwest Mounted Police. But I think Bob Burns in Alias the Deacon will be worth the sacrifice. Wherever the Deacon alights from his private car, any passing truck, injustice is on its way to defeat, and romance runs its proper course, and certain petty tyrants are apt to start running too. Any play with Bob Burns in it is a friendly play. But another kind of friendliness that we're very proud of is your loyalty to our product, Lux Flakes. You've never let us down yet, and I know Lux Flakes will never let you down. Now I'm sure you're anxious to meet the Deacon, so we'll raise the curtain on the first act of Alias the Deacon, starring Bob Burns in the title role and Helen Wood as Phyllis. The Truxton County Fair, somewhere in the Middle West. It's Saturday afternoon, and a holiday crowd jams the Midway, gazing in awe at the world's greatest collection of freaks, gasping as the high diver plummets into the tank, meanwhile clutching tightly to their breasts, their hard-earned baby dolls and canes. In a secluded corner of the grounds, another attraction holds forth, a quieter and more intimate form of entertainment. For here is where Deacon, Alias the Deacon, has set up his temporary stand. To collect his crowd, the Deacon plays a mournful tune on a mournful-looking instrument, and as the curious gather around, knowing farmers hold on to their pocketbooks. They've seen men like the Deacon before. All right, dear, we're going. We're going, darling. Wait a minute, lady. You don't have to leave. That baby ain't disturbing me. Oh, he ain't, Amy. Well, you're disturbing him. Well, I guess everybody ain't got the same place for music, folks, but there's one sound that's music to everybody's ears. That's the music of jingling coins. Of course, you have to have the coins to jingle. Well, that's where I come in. Gentlemen, I'm going to give each and every one of you a chance to win some of these coins right now. I have here in my hand three ordinary everyday playing cards, the ace, the deuce, and tray of diamonds. I'm going to shuffle these cards a little and lay them face down here on the stand. Now, all you've got to do, gentlemen, is watch where I put the ace. Why, it's a sample, honestly. Sometimes I'm right ashamed of myself. Here we go now. Watch it closely. One, two, three. Which one is the ace? Anybody like to try? I bet a half a dollar. All right, brother. No amounts too big or too small. That's the ace. That one there. Let's see now. Well, well, brother, I guess you wasn't watching very close that time. You picked the trays. That's funny. Who be the next red-blooded gentleman? Watch it closely now as many can play as want to. Just put your money on the card and be sure it's the right one. Sure. Right here. You too. There's my money. Only one way to find out, gentlemen, turn up the card you bet on. Well, well, what do you know about that? I win again. All right now, who be the next? Just a minute, you. You're switching those cards around. You're crooked. I resent that. Do you deny it? No, I just resent it. All right, gentlemen, now who take a chance? It's a simple honest little game. Come on, folk, come on. Don't let me stand here talking to myself. I've heard all this before. How about you, brother, like to try it once more? I hope you cleaned me. Oh, that's too bad. How much did I clean you for? 60 cents. Well, brother, you wasn't very dirty, was you? I'll try it, mister. Thank you, brother. Step aside here, folks. Let a gentleman in with courage and vision. Step right up, sir. Now all you got to do is pick the right card. Sure, I know. All right, now watch it. One, two, three, and away we go. Opportunities knocking, folks. A little risk and a big profit. I'll bet a dollar. A dollar. The gentleman bets a dollar. And which card is he ace, brother? That one. Right there. Oh, I'm sorry, brother, but you guessed wrong. My, my, I sure thought you had me that time. Want to try it again? You're a real sport, brother. No, I ain't. I'm the chief of police. That's what I was. Uh-huh. The chief of police. Uh-huh. Well, brother, I guess that's one time I guessed wrong. Give me that sign over there. Well, oh, you are now leaving Truxton. That the sign you mean? Yeah, and the sign means you. Now go on, beat it. Thanks, chief. Don't thank me. The roof of our jail didn't leak. You wouldn't be getting off so easy. There's the bus depot right over there. Now, come on. The bus leaves in five minutes. Get on and stay on. Where does this bus go if it's any of my business? Next town is Shelton, the county seat. Well, does your jurisdiction extend that far? No, it don't. Well, then you wouldn't mind if I stop over there long enough to give one of my, uh, educational lectures. Why, no. I'll even wire my friend the sheriff to reserve a nice room with a southern exposure. Why, fill it. Oh, hello, Chief Davis. What are you doing here? Waiting for the bus. I'm leaving, Truxton. Fine night, you picked the traveling. What's the idea? My job folded up. There's no reason for me staying here any longer. I guess not. Well, I hope things break better for you wherever you're going. Hey, hey, you folks. You, hey, you're waiting for the bus? Yeah, why? Well, I'm sorry, folks, but the rooms washed out at the park. The bus will be about six hours late. You mean I have to spend six more hours in this broken-down hillbilly town? Why? Why, it'll be a pleasure, Chief. But maybe it's a pleasure I can skip. Where does that delivery truck go? Anybody know? Oh, yeah, that's Johnny Sloan. He'll go and hit the Shelton, probably. Shelton, huh? Well, maybe I ought to have a talk with Mr. Sloan. Evening, young fella. Hello. Kind of bad night all around. I'll say it is. I've been driving through floods for two and a half hours. A water and my motor and my gas tank have got it in the carburetor and ignition, but not a drop in my radiator. See, I don't suppose I might ride along it. No. No, I suppose not. Hey, Johnny, you'd like to give someone a lift? I just told him no passengers coming in. Oh, I don't mean him. There's a young lady here. Sorry. I guess the age of chivalry is there. It is with the crane trucking company. Oh, come on, son. You can take a chance just this once. Why? Please don't trouble. I can wait. I'm sorry, lady, but I... Oh, are... Are you the person who wants a lift? Yes, but don't put yourself out for me. Why, no trouble at all. No trouble at all. You married? Me? No. Sweetheart? My father, Mr. District Attorney. And he's... He and I are very little of your business. All right, all right, if you want to be the mystery lady. But aren't you afraid riding through the night this way with me? A guy you never met before? No. Oh, you're not, huh? No. What did you do if I stopped the truck on this lonely road? You wouldn't do that. Wouldn't I, though? No. Uh-huh, we'll see about that. Well... Well? You, uh... You're having any protection now? That's right. Oh, why don't you scream? I'm horse from last night. Okay, you win. But it's a good thing I have to be in Shelton by morning. Me, too, son. Let's go. What in the... How did you get back there? Oh, I just figured since you changed your mind about taking the little lady, you might change it about me, too. Of course, I ain't as pretty as she is. All right, all right. Keep quiet about it. Thanks, son. Well, this is Shelton. Thanks a lot, Mr. Sloan. It's all right. Tell me, you married? Me? No. Sweetheart? No, I... No, I haven't. And I won't have until then my kick reposes another $250. The same being the rest of the purchase price for the best little business opportunity in all Shelton. I see. Yes, son. In front of you, you see a guy who isn't going to be a truck jockey all his life. Shelton needs a first-class garage. And I got my eye on a place that, with a little fixin', will make the ones here now hang their grease racks in shame. I'm sure it'll be a success. Well, goodbye. Wait a minute. What are you going to do? Look for a job. Oh, uh... Will I see you again? Probably. Well, that's good. There's a lot of things we ought to talk about. Are they? Sure. A lot of questions I'd like to ask you. Questions? Like what? Oh, like, uh... Well, uh... Say, where's the nearest barbershop? Oh, for the love of... Are you still here? Uh-huh. Well, what do you want? Just the nearest barbershop, that's all. Across the street. Thanks, son. And thanks a lot for the... A little tonic on the hair, Sheriff? Nope, just water. Sure, you're the boss, Sheriff. You're the boss. Make it fast, Andrew. I'm a mighty busy man since oil was discovered in this town. Good morning. Good morning. You're next. Hey. Yes, sir, Sheriff. It'd be nice if we could have an oil boom like this every year. I don't know. There's been an awful lot of riff-raff drifting into town. Uh-huh. I bet you're keeping your good eye on all suspicious characters, eh, Sheriff? I'm keeping a special look out for a card sharp. They run out of truck stint, heading this way. Is that so? Yes, sir. I got a wire this morning. No tin horn gambler better show himself around here. Hey, mister, where are you going? I'll be back a little later. Yeah, but I'm ready for you now. Just a minute, mister. Don't believe I've seen you around here before. I'm Yates, Sheriff Yates. Well, how do you do, Sheriff? I'm Caswell, Deacon Caswell. Well, how do you do? Deacon, eh? Oh, uh, yes, yes. I heard there was a lot of strange goings on in this town. I figured I could do some good around here. As a matter of fact, Deacon, I think you could. Now, for instance, I happen to know there's a lot of gambling going on. Gambling? Tell me, Sheriff, where's the game? Well, I ain't sure yet, but I kind of got my eye on the Clark Hotel. You have, huh? Yeah, Elsie Clark's place, just down the street. If my information is correct, there's a bridge game that goes on there pretty near every day. Ain't it awful the way some folks get into? Arsh, you're down three, Elsie. My goodness, but you do get the cards, Mrs. Gregory. I play the ones I get, Elsie. You certainly do, mother. Yes, and us along with them. Well, ladies, I don't like to break up the game, but I'm expecting Mr. Cunningham. How much do I owe this time? A little less than $35, Mrs. Clark. $35? Oh, well, I'll get it out of the hotel safe. We'll go on with the game as soon as I've seen Mr. Cunningham. Dear me, Elsie's been having awfully bad luck, hasn't she? Of course I can afford it, but Elsie, well, I don't know. She can afford it, too, with a hotel like this. Well, as a matter of fact, I think trying to hold it is the reason she plays. She mortgaged the place to Mr. Cunningham before the boom came, and he's one of those men who likes to be paid. Yes, I've heard that about Mr. Cunningham. Well, I guess I'll have to step across to the bank for a minute, and I'll be back in a few minutes. Don't be too long, dear. I won't. Mother, listen. Shh, now be quiet. I won't. How much longer do we have to keep these bridge games up? I'm getting sick of these women. We're going to play until Mr. Cunningham gets this hotel. I don't see what Mr. Cunningham has to do with it. Well, I do. He happens to hold our mortgage, too. He told me that anything I could do to help him get this place. Well, he said he wouldn't forget it. You mean he doesn't want Mrs. Clark to meet her notes? Mildred, be careful what you say, dear. It might be misinterpreting. Over there, Deacon. That's our hardware store. Jim Cunningham owns that. Cunningham, huh? That the same Cunningham that runs the real estate office? Same fella. Cunningham's a pretty important man in this town, Deacon. Mm-hmm. You know, this is mighty friendly of you to show me around like this, Sheriff. Seems to be a right-promising little town. Well, we've had so many undesirables drifting in lately. It's nice to meet up with a better class than you, Cumber. And that's nice of you to say, Sheriff. It is indeed. Oh, not at all. Not at all. This is the Clark's Hotel right here, Deacon. I'll see if we can get to your room. Go ahead, Deacon. Thank you, brother. Willie! Customer here. Hello, Sheriff. Oh, where's your ma, Willie? She's in the office, borrowing some more money from that old weasel Jim Cunningham. Now, Willie, Mr. Cunningham's been a good friend to your ma. Sure. He was a good friend of Whitey Hoitzma, too. Now he owns our property. That's so, Sheriff. Oh, you can't believe everything you hear. Believe me. He wouldn't be coming around here with his promises to pay if my pop was still alive. Well, what kind of room do you want, Deacon? The two-dollar kind or the three-dollar kind? Well, what's the difference? Well, there's no difference. We've only got one room left. Well, I kind of wanted the three-dollar kind. Gee, that's swell. Hey, hey, kid, give me the key to me room, will ya? Here it is. Ah, thanks, pal. Oh, hiya, Sheriff. Hello, Bull. Hey, you gonna be down to fight Saturday? I'll kill that guy. Sure, I'll be there. Ah, swell, Sheriff. All right, Bull, all right, let's get going. Ah, go where? We got some road work to do before lunch. Oh, I was just gonna take a little nap. Come on, come on. The guy that's promoting this match wants to see some action. Get going. Road work, road work. All the time, road work. I'm getting sick of it. I didn't know you went in for prize fights in this town, Sheriff. Well, we don't usually, Deacon, but Mr. Cunningham is opening a new auditorium, and, well, you know... I see. That's right, Mrs. Clark. You can tear the others up. Morning, Elsie. Oh, hello, Sheriff. Hello, Tom. Hi, Mr. Cunningham. Folks, this is Deacon Caswell. Mrs. Clark and Mr. Cunningham. How do you do, Deacon? Pleased to meet you, ma'am. The Deacons come to help clean up the town. Oh, is that so? Well, I think I can clean up a little anyway. That's fine, Deacon. Anything I can do for you, you just let me know. Now that's very kind, Mr. Cunningham. I will... Good morning, folks. Morning, Deacon. Good morning, Mr. Cunningham. Good-bye, Mr. Cunningham. Ma, the Deacon wants a room. The $3 kind. Oh, certainly. Will you just come this way, Deacon? I've got a nice room on the first floor. While you're in town, Deacon, I'd like to have you meet our ladies' community league. I'm sure you have a lot of things to tell us. Why, Mrs. Clark, you're a positive mind reader. Elsie. Oh, here you are. We thought you were lost, Mrs. Clark. Deacon. This is Mrs. Gregory and her daughter, Mildred. Deacon Caswell. It's a pleasure, ladies. How do you do? Well, are we ready to play? Oh, I'm sorry, girls. But Mrs. Hawley isn't here, and... Play. Just a little bridge. Oh, Nora. The Deacon will think we've been gambling. Oh, not at all. Not at all. Perhaps you'd like to take Mrs. Hawley's place, Deacon. Oh, but I'm sure he wouldn't. Well, now, I must confess, I have kind of put it around with cards on several occasions, just to make up a foursome, of course. Oh, then you will join us. Me? You mean from money. Oh, well, now, it needn't be. We can play for nothing. Well, I don't... Oh, I guess I wouldn't mind playing for some trifling stakes just to be sociable. Oh, that's so nice of you, Deacon. Well, it is indeed. We'll only be about an hour. An hour? Well, I'd say that should be just about long enough. That's our trick, Deacon. Is it, Mrs. Clark? Now, ain't that lucky? Play your card, please, Deacon. Oh, certainly. You know, I guess we Caswells are all lucky. All except my uncle can feel Caswell, that is. Whenever I had him for a partner, I used to feel I was living beyond my means. If you don't mind, Deacon, this one is our trick. Oh, I beg your pardon. I thought that was my ace. I did have one that kind of resembled it. Ten of diamonds. Your play, Deacon. Mildred played the ten. Hmm. A red one, huh? Mrs. Clark, I'm awfully afraid I've messed this hand all up. I don't seem to have any more red ones left. See? Why? Why, you've got nothing but trump. Is that good? Fair, Deacon. Just fair. Oh, don't you see, Deacon, all the rest are ours. They are? Oh, I guess I'll just never get to understand this game. How much do we owe? Um, exactly $86. $86? Why, we've been gambling. Not with your luck, Deacon. Come on, Mildred, let's go. Goodbye. And thank you so much for helping us out, Deacon. That's all right, Mrs. I'm happy to have met you. Well, here's your share of the winnings, Deacon. Why, Mrs. Clark, I couldn't touch that money. Oh, but you must. Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't. Well, it's hardly fair, but if you say so... Well, now, maybe I could. That is, if I donated to some charity, or say, the Deacon Caswell Fund. The Deacon Caswell Fund? How marvelous. Your own fund. Yes, ma'am, my very own. Oh, my purse. Oh, I'll pick it up. Oh, it's all right. Mmm, notes. Paying up your debts, Mrs. Clark? Well, um, not exactly. I gave Mr. Cunningham one note to cover the whole amount. $3,000. Oh. I guess he's the same Mr. Cunningham who's going to promote the prize fight, huh? Yes. Quite a busy man in this town, isn't he? Yes, why? Oh, nothing. Only my Uncle Phineas once said, if you try to pick all the flowers, you're bound to get some poison ivy. You have just heard Act One of Alias the Deacon with Bob Burns and Helen Wood. While we're waiting for Mr. DeMille to present Act Two, let's talk about vacations. What are you going to do for your vacation, Sally? Why, I'm thinking of flying to New York, Mr. Ruick. Mmm, how exciting. I suppose you're thinking a lot about clothes, aren't you? No, I've got everything planned. What are you taking? Why, um, a half a pound of underthings and ounce of stockings, three pounds of dresses. Hey, hey. Have you lost your mind? What do you mean, half a pound of underthings, three pounds of dresses? That's the way you pack for air travel, by the pound. You know, I can't help thinking. Thinking what? How easy it would be to tuck a box of new quick-lux flakes into your bag. It's mighty handy to have when you want to freshen up your things. Why, Mr. Ruick, I always travel with new quick-lux. It's so easy to give my underthings or blouses or dresses a quick dip in the suds. And it means you don't have to take along so many things, doesn't it? That's right. I take a few and freshen them often with new quick-lux. It's a grand way to stay fresh and dainty. You know, that's a good tip for all our listeners who are planning vacations. Travel light and take along a box of lux flakes as your daintyness insurance. Lux removes every trace of perspiration from your washables and protects you against offending. Undies should be lux after every wearing. Blouses, dresses, and accessories often, especially during warm weather. New quick-lux is so easy to use, so fast. In water as cool as your hand, they dissolve three times as fast as any of ten other leading soaps tested. And new quick-lux is thrifty to use, too. Ounce for ounce, it gives you more suds than the other soaps tested, even in hard water. Fast, thrifty, and safe for everything, safe in water alone. That means stockings, underthings, and all your washable dresses. Ask for new quick-lux tomorrow in the generous large box. It comes in the same familiar package and costs no more. Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille. Act two of Alias the Deacon, starring Bob Burns as the deacon with Helen Wood as Phyllis. The quiet little town of Shelton is proving a gold mine for the amiable deacon. For a gentleman so unfamiliar with bridge, his luck is astounding. And slowly but surely, his partner, Mrs. Clark, is winning back all she lost. Through the deacon's influence, Phyllis is now employed as a waitress in the Clark Hotel. From breakfast to dinner, she's on her feet. But she's never too tired at night to go walking with Johnny Sloane. On this evening, their walk has taken them to the outskirts of the town. At last in the bright moonlight, Johnny comes to a halt right at the edge of a junkyard. Well, there it is, Phyllis. There's what? A junkyard. How do you like it? Well, it's very pretty. I admit it doesn't look like much, but I can buy it, Chief. Oh, Johnny, maybe we better sit down and rest. You've been working too hard. The idea's quicker than the eye, lady. You see all those auto wrecks? I can salvage all the junk parts and start a little supply shop, strictly secondhand. Oh, I see. I'll sell it for $250. All I'm short is $240. I wish I could help you. You can. I? Sure. Planning things out is fun, but, well, it's more fun if you do it with someone. You feel that way, too? Yes, I do. I, uh... Yes, Johnny? Oh, maybe you don't want to hear any more of this. But I do a whole lot more. Then get hold of yourself, because I've got an awful lot to tell you about us. I... Hey. What's the matter? I just happened to think. You know, I don't even know your last name. This morning, Deegan, fix you up all sprues. No, just finish with the shave, Andre, and don't make it too close. Oh, don't worry about me. I haven't cut a customer in over a week. Hmm. You know, the barber down home used to deduct the penny every time he cut somebody. You know, it was nothing to see a customer leave his shop a dime winner. Say, how's the sheriff getting along with his gambling crew, say? Oh, fine, fine. No more gambling in this town. Well, that's almost too bad, in a way. What do you mean? I understand some people find a lot of pleasure in a friendly game of cards. Deegan, you ain't one of those people. Oh, no, no, no. I always remember what my uncle Confucius Caswell used to say. Cards have either a bee or a bicycle on their backs. That means if you play with them, you either get stung or taken for a ride. That's all right. Well, good morning, Mr. Cunningham. I've been looking for you, Deegan. What's the idea of your steaming up the ladies' league against holding the fight? I don't like it. Well, to tell you the truth, Brother Cunningham, I didn't think you would. What's that? I'm just on my way to the Clark Hotel to address a special meeting of the ladies' league now. You're not going my way, are you? I certainly am not. Now, listen, Deegan, if you don't stop shooting off your mouth about things that don't concern you... But, Brother Cunningham, you do concern me. I remember what my uncle Confucius used to say. It's wise to remember that the teeth that smile also bite. Hang your uncle Confucius. I've got an uncle, too. When he says a closed mouth catches no flies. That kind of makes good sense. Look, Brother Cunningham, now, if you was to make this fight of yours sort of a part for charity... Why? I think that it kind of lift the entire proceedings into something finer, more aesthetic. Now, there's one little charity that's kind of in debt. About $3,000. You know anything about it? You're not getting a quarter out of me. Or any information, either. Remember what my uncle said. All right, Brother Cunningham. And if you see your uncle, you might tell him what my uncle said. He said that smart people always do in the beginning what Dern Fools finally do in the end. Now, if you'll excuse me, the ladies are waiting. Good morning, Brother Cunningham. Last and speaker, the Good Deacon Caswell. Thank you, ladies. Thank you, ladies. My, my, what a wonderful gathering. I declare I don't believe I've ever seen so many bright and intelligent faces. But as intelligent as I'm sure you are, I think I should take a few minutes to explain the subject of this meeting, just in case there might be one sister among you that doesn't quite understand it. I'm reminded of one such case that happened in my hometown. It seems the ladies auxiliary discovered they had a surplus of $140 in the church treasury. And they called a meeting of the congregation to vote on whether or not they would spend $67 for a new chandelier for the church. They put it to a vote and everyone agreed except one man. That was my own Grandpa Snazzy. Everybody surrounded him and they said, Snazzy, we ought to make this unanimous. What are your objections to buying this chandelier for the church? Grandpa Snazzy says, it's the silliest thing I ever heard of, just like throwing $67 in the fire. He says, after you bought the chandelier, there ain't a soul in town can play one of the darn things. But ladies, ladies, we're here today to discuss bringing something to this town that's far more important than that. And that, ladies, is reform. Thank you, ladies. That's why I've chosen to speak to you today on the evils of prize fighting. It isn't prize fighting alone that's objectionable. It's the element it brings to your fair setting. After all, a man is known as a gentleman. Shh, Johnny. Come outside quick. It's important. All right, right away. What's the matter, Johnny? Has something happened? Well... What? I said hello. Johnny, is that all you wanted? Sure, why? I thought it was something important. Well, I'm important, ain't I? Yes, but... Well, I thought you had some news about the garage. I have. What? I made $3 this morning fiction of fellow's car. Now all I need is $237. Oh, Johnny, you're crazy. Hot dog! Hot dog! Yippee! Really? What's the matter with you? Boy, am I happy. Trouble's come home to Roost and old Cunningham and his pals. Run, little little cuss, aren't you? Now, with those guys I ain't, seeing their prize fight blow up tickles me clear down to my heels. You mean the fight's off? It will be unless they can get a substitute for knockout Blake. He's in the clinker. You mean in jail? Well, what did I just say? I heard them inside. They're trying to dig up a substitute. Will they pay him? Sure. If they can find one. Willie, I think they've got one right now. Come here. I got a great idea. Go into that room and tell them you know a fellow. I put a lot of money into this thing. I know, Mr. Cunningham, but is it awful if Blake gets pinched? Hey, hey, you know what I think? What, what? I think we ought to get a substitute. I ought to hire somebody to listen to you. Oh, champ, champ! Oh, excuse me. I was looking for the champ. To who? The champ, Johnny Sloan. Johnny Sloan? Is he a fighter? Is he? Say, only over the gas station told me Johnny once knocked out a guy bigger than the bull here. Huh? There he is outside. Hey, champ! Hello, Willie. Did you call me? Oh, come here, kid. So you're a battler, huh? Sure, sometimes. Battler, nothing. He's a killer. Well, how'd you like to kill the bull? Maybe, how much? Yeah, how much? $100. $100? Hey, champ, he thinks you're still an amateur. Sure, sounds like it. Well, that's an insult. No, no, no, take it easy. Take it easy. $250. $250 or nothing. Oh, come now, be reasonable. Yeah, be reasonable. You know, money ain't everything in life. Quiet. Well, that's what you're always telling me. I'll, uh, I'll make it $150, and an extra hundred if you stay the full 10 rounds. All right, you got a deal. And a fighter. Well, that takes quite a load off my mind. Yeah. Well, if I was you, I wouldn't get too happy with that deacon inside there stirring up the clubwomen against our little walls. The deacon? Oh, I can handle him. Yeah? How? Excuse me. I'll be right back. It encourages gambling. It sets men afewing with each other. It brings a class of people. Oh, but deacon cares well. I'll take it, son, if you'll excuse me, ladies. Right over here, deacon. What is it, son? Listen, deacon, you've got to cut out this anti-fight stuff. Oh, I'm afraid I can't, son. I can't explain just now, but... But, John, he's going to fight. He's going to get $250 for it. He needs the money badly, deacon. You see, without it, him and Phyllis can't get married. Oh, well, that's too bad, but I just can't get out of this right now. I just can't do it. No? All right, deacon. Remember the day I took your bag upstairs for you? Yes. Well, it fell open. There were six packs of cards in it. No. Yeah. Oh, I see. I see. Well, now, uh... Now, maybe I can do something after all. Sure you can, deacon. Add a boy. Yes, sir. My dear ladies. Ladies, I believe I've discussed one side of this question pretty thoroughly. But like all subjects, there are two sides to it. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I was discussing the evils of prize fighting. Prize fighting is horrible, but prize fighting is also a form of athletics. And athletics is what builds our children into strong, healthy citizens. We don't want our boys to be strong and healthy, do we? Well, we want them to be strong and healthy, don't we? Why, of course we do. And the manly art of self-defense will help them to be. And that's why, ladies, I'm telling you now, anyone who opposes prize fighting in this community is a traitor to her country. Johnny, is it almost time? Almost. That's the last preliminary up there now. Johnny, I just can't stay and watch the fighter. I'm going back to the hotel. Okay, I'll be there in an hour. We'll spend the rest of the night just counting that bill. What do you want? Now, is that friendly? I just stopped in to see how you're feeling. I'd feel better if you'd keep away from me. You're a jinx. Oh, you've got me wrong, brother. I hope you're not that bull, so cold. You'll have to carry him out with a pair of ice tongs. Okay, I'll do my best. Sounds like you're feeling pretty fit, all right. Doesn't he look it? Well, I like to know these things, because while the race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, it's not a bad way to bet. Good luck, Johnny. Thanks. Okay, so long. We're on. Let's get going. All set. So long, darling. So long. Be careful. Sure. See you at the hotel. You a little worried? Worried. A polar bear would have to wear mittens to shake hands with me. Oh, I hope it works out, Deacon. So much depends on it. Just remember that that dark cloud has got a $250 silver lining. Are you run along now? He's going down. No. No, he won't go down. You said an extra hundred if I stuck the full ten rounds. Well, I stuck, didn't I? Yes, you stuck. You were out on your feet telling me you were a fighter. Well, you couldn't punch your way out of a paper bag. All right, then this shouldn't hurt you. Find him in the hotel. Right with you, Mr. Cunningham. Just a minute, Mr. Cunningham. Well, I've known Johnny for years. He wouldn't do a thing like that. Sure, but he did it. There he is. Sheriff, do your duty. What's the matter here? Is there anything wrong? Sloane, you're under arrest. Why? He had a right to hit Mr. Cunningham. Maybe so, but he didn't have a right to steal his wallet. What? I didn't take any wallet. You knocked me unconscious in the dressing room. When I came to him, my wallet was gone. You stole it. That's a lie. A lie? I suppose you didn't hit me. Oh, sure, he hit you, but that's only half the truth. And when a man tells only half the truth, Brother Cunningham is just the same as a lie. We'll let the law decide that. A good sheriff ain't interested in law. He's interested in justice. That may be right, Deacon, but it looks like I'll have to take the boy along. All right. Do you mind if I... Can I speak to Phyllis a minute? Sure, I'll be waiting outside. Come on, Deacon. Come on, Mr. Cunningham. I'll need you to swear out the warrant. It'll be a pleasure. Phyllis. You shouldn't have done it, Johnny. Even though he promised you the money, you had no right to take it. But I didn't take it. You don't really believe I'd do a thing like that. You said you'd go with a sheriff. What else can I do? I've told you exactly what happened. I hit him, walked out, bumped into the deacon, and came right over to see you. Bumped into the deacon? Yeah, right outside the dressing room door. The deacon. Okay. Don't worry, Phyllis. It'll come out all right. So long. Oh, Johnny. Phyllis, but I did the best I could for you. Yes, I'm sure you did. Huh? What do you mean by that? You know what I mean. You were right outside the dressing room when Johnny hit him and knocked him out. Then Johnny left, and you went in. Oh, I see. You think I did it. I know all about you. I had a letter from Truxton. You were run out of there. You may be fooling Mrs. Clark and a lot of other innocents around here, but I know you. And the whole town will know you if that wallet isn't returned by tomorrow morning. Do you understand? Tomorrow morning. I guess you've got a right to think that way you're thinking now, Phyllis. I've been on the wrong side of society for a long time, but I've always liked to believe that I ain't ever been mean. Not as mean as you're making me out to be. I guess it wouldn't do much good for me to tell you you're wrong. No, it wouldn't. I see. All right, Miss Phyllis. I'll still be around in the morning. Good night. In just a moment, Mr. DeMille brings you Act 3 of Alias the Deacon with Bob Burns and Helen Wood. During the short intermission, we bring you our friends the Browning family again. Mother Browning is returning tonight from a trip and Dot and Midge have planned a little surprise for her. I've got dinner already, Midgey. You bow down with the table? Mm-hmm. As soon as I lay the spoons all around. There. Doesn't that look nice? Oh, divine. My goodness, I bet Mother will be surprised. Here she comes now. Where are you? I'm home. Hi, Mother. Greetings, Mummy Darling. Have fun? Grand. Mm. How nice everything looks. We've got dinner already. All you have to do is eat. You, darlings. The table looks lovely. Well, what's this? Surprise! Surprise! What's these lovely spoons? Where did you get them? They're our coming home present for you. How sweet. Just think. We got six of them. Six beautiful teaspoons for only 50 cents. And the top from a large box of new locks, quick locks. It's a new offer the makers of locksplates are taking right now. And look, Mums, it's the allure pattern, just like the silver we got before. And it's original Roger's silver plate. Doesn't it look lovely with our other silver? It looks beautiful there. That pattern's so simple it would go well with any silver. And, Mother, a whole list of the other pieces we can get in the allure pattern came with the spoons. Dot and I want to send for the perfectly ducky beyond knives and fork. Oh, they're sublime. The cutest short blades and prongs and long handles and... Yes. Hundreds of thousands of women have been enthusiastic about the beautiful allure pattern. And so many have asked for matching pieces of this handsome original Roger's silver plate that the makers of Lux Flakes, in cooperation with the International Silver Company, the world's largest silversmith, are offering this amazing bargain once again. So you can get new matching pieces or start a new set. This new offer brings you six beautiful teaspoons in the famous allure pattern, guaranteed original Roger's silver plate for only 50 cents and the top from a large box of new quick locks. Send the large box top with 50 cents in coin, no stamps, please, and your name and address to Lux, Meridan, that's M-E-R-I-D-E-N, Meridan, Connecticut. I'll repeat that address. It's Lux, Meridan, M-E-R-I-D-E-N, Meridan, Connecticut. This offer is good only in the United States. I'll tell you more about it after our play. We pause now for station identification. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System. Curtin rises on the third act of Alias the Deacon. Early the following morning, on the second floor of the Clark Hotel, Phyllis moves swiftly along the quiet corridor. With a nervous glance over her shoulder, she starts down the stairs, but suddenly a figure steps from the shadows and Mr. Sullivan stands in her way. Good morning, Phyllis. Oh! Oh, hello. You're up early, Mr. Sullivan. Yes, so are you. Where you been? In my room. Yeah, you weren't a minute ago. You were in Sloan's room. I saw you. You're crazy. No, I'm not. Maybe you better hand it over, Phyllis. Hand what over? That wallet you found. But I... I didn't... Come on, come on. I saw you. It was under the mattress. You better let me have it. No. No. And you won't say anything. Please. Not me, but what about you? If they ever put you on the stand, your boyfriend sunk. Well, you couldn't lie even... I know. He did it. Well, there's only one thing to do. You mean get out of town? Yes. Look, beautiful. I'd like to help you. There's a bus leaving at four o'clock. We could be on it. We could be on it? Sure. You and me. Thanks. Just the same. But I always like to travel alone. It's me, Mrs. Clark. I just came from the courthouse. Johnny will be released just as soon as the papers are filed. You're a very persuasive man, Deacon. I never thought I'd be putting up bail for a criminal. That boy is no criminal. Besides, helping young love is kind of good for you. Yes. Even if it isn't good for itself. Phyllis just left town. Didn't even want to say goodbye to him. Left town? The older I get, the less luck I have figuring out any kind of woman. You must be worn out, Deacon. Shall I send a cup of tea to your room? Sure. Like a cup of tea, but being a bachelor gets kind of lonesome. Maybe we could have it together. Why? I think that would be pleasant as could be. Mr. Cunningham, they had no right to let him go. Now take it easy, Mr. Cunningham. Something the matter, Mr. Cunningham? Plenty's the matter. That crook has skipped town. What? Johnny Sloan, somebody put up bail for him and he skipped town. Oh, dear. Oh, he wouldn't do that. He must have gone after Phyllis. Somebody must have told him. Nevertheless, he's gone. Oh, this is terrible. Mr. Cunningham, I put up the hotel as bail. You did what? The hotel. I put it up. But I counted on this place's security for those loans. Why? Why, I'm putting up bail for the man that assaulted me. Elsie, how could you do a thing like that to me? I asked her to. You asked her to? Elsie, whenever you needed money, you turned to me. But when it came to using that money, my money, you had to turn to a stranger, a meddlesome, two-faced hypocrite. Very well, Esk. As soon as that young crook is caught, I'm starting to shoot on my note. But I have six months to pay. You had six months? Maybe you didn't notice that the new note is on demand. Demand? Perhaps your financial advisor can straighten this out, too. Oh, Deacon. Deacon, what am I going to do? I'm sorry, Ms. Clark. I never thought this would happen. But it's everything I own. It's... I don't think Ms. Clark is feeling very well. That's surprising when she has you around here to help her. Oh, Mrs. Gregory was telling me about those little card games, Deacon. Very interesting. Oh, yes. Well, I... I guess I shouldn't have played with those ladies, brother Cunningham. I succumbed to a weakness. But to tell you the truth, if it wasn't that I didn't know one card from another, I'd be tempted to do it again. And that'd be dangerous because I've got my parish's money in my pocket. $2,500. What's that? Yes, Mr. Sullivan. I got to be careful. Well, I should say, you see, Bridge is a very scientific game, but I'd be perfectly willing to give you a chance to even up it, let's say, a little draw poker. Draw poker? What's that? You don't know? Uh-oh. Why, we can teach you, can't we, Mr. Cunningham? Well, I'm kind of angry at the Deacon, but... Maybe I was a bit too excitable. Well, that's mighty swell of your brother Cunningham. Just step into the dining room, Deacon. We'll teach you no time at all. You say a royal flush beats everything? That's right. You're catching on fast, Deacon. Come on, let's begin. I'll deal. Wait, uh, don't you think I ought to cut the cards? All right. Oh, not that I don't trust you, Mr. Sullivan. Well, I always say if you suspect a man, don't play with him. And if you play with him, don't suspect him. Still, I think it'd be a little more friendly if I cut him. Sure, we'll even cut for deal. Take a card, Deacon. Well, now that's downright, brotherly. I have a seven. Ten here. I got a king. Who wins? Why, you do, Deacon. Already? Naturally. Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck. How true, brother. How true. Now, let's see. I think you said five cards to each player, didn't you? Five cards, Deacon. Thank you. You're welcome. I'll open for ten. Ten, eh? All right. Now, stay. Let's see now. That's a lot of money. Ten cents. What do you mean, ten cents? Ten dollars? Ten dollars. Just a sociable game, Deacon. Oh, well, I'll play along just to see what happens. And a boy. Three cards here. And, uh, two for me. Three, two. I'll just take one. Eh? I pass. Me, too. Do we lay our hands down now, gentlemen? That's right. There are kings. I have three twos. Let's see now. Ace's count is one, don't they? Well, yes, they do, but, uh... But then I guess you win, because that's all I have. Three little bitty ones. Oh. Oh, well, now that's too bad, Deacon. Better luck next time. Well, that's the way I feel, brother. You deal, Mr. Sullivan. Is it my turn? I'll open also. I guess I can afford it. I'll say you can. Nine straight pots. You sure picked the game up fast. Thanks to your wonderful tutoring, brother Sullivan. I'll bet 50 bucks. I mean... Well, now to give you a chance to get even, that 50 and 50 more. Oh, trying to scare me, huh? Well, uh... I pass. So do I. That guy does more raising than a roller blind. There's my hand of flush, brothers, all the same color. Hey, wait a minute. They're all the same color, but one of them's a diamond. Yes, yes. One of them's a diamond. Oh, yes. But, but now, you gentlemen throw your cards away, and when you throw your cards away, you lose. You told me that yourself. Brother Sullivan, remember? Take it, Joe. Take it. I'm awfully sorry, brothers. In fact, I'm tempted to return your money on this one. Yeah? But one must never yield to temptation. It's my deal. Give me the cards. Wonderful game, brother Cunningham. I don't know when I've had so much fun. Yeah. The last pot that I won, they'll save at least 100 heathens. If you save any more heathens, they'll have to chip in to save me. All right, all right. Who opens? Who opens? Who opens? Oh, yes, yes. I'll bet $20. I'm in. I'll stay two. How many cards, Deacon? Well, now, I'll take four. Four? That's fine. Two here. Two? And two for the dealer. Brother Cunningham, is it correct to deal from the bottom of the deck? I didn't deal from the bottom of the deck. Oh, I didn't say you did. I just asked if it was correct. Oh, played a game. Played a game. I'll bet $100. Okay, okay, I'm in. 100, eh? All right. And I'll raise that 200. I'll raise that another 200. I'm out. I'll see that and throw in another 200. My goodness, how much money is in that pot, brother? Over $1,000, ain't it? $1,360. Have you got that much cash? Well, I got Mrs. Clark's note. Is that good enough? But lay it down, brother. What would you do with this hand, brother Sullivan? Listen, if I knew as little about cards as you, I'd write a book on it. Oh, well, I'll see it, brother Cunningham. Right. Three kings. I win. Oh, just a minute, brother Cunningham. I've got a full house. What? Deacon your cheating. Brother Cunningham, how could you say that? Because I know what cards I dealt you. Why, brother? Cunningham. I mean, it's all a mistake. You see, I, uh... All right, all right. I caught you in the act. What is this, Sheriff? I just got word that there's a card sharp in this room. There certainly is an Azure man, Jim Cunningham. What? Sure, he just admitted he was cheating. Oh, please give him another chance, Sheriff. Why, what's going on here? Oh, Mrs. Clark, uh... Mr. Cunningham has just, uh... donated this note of yours to the Caswell Fund. You mean he's not going to sue? I'm afraid not. Are you a brother? No. No, certainly not. Oh, Deacon, how can I thank you? Oh, I could just kiss you. Well, that's a pretty good way. But there's one thing more, uh... Mr. Cunningham, just what were the denominations of the bills stolen from your wallet? Four $100 bills. Brand new. That's strange. They tally exactly where the bills Mr. Sullivan, uh, donated. So what are you trying to do, pin it on me? Why, Phyllis even found a wallet in his room. I guess she did all right after you put it there last night. They are crazy. Maybe so, but I ain't blind. If you didn't put it there, then how did you get those bills? Well, I... I can explain that. You'll explain it down at the jail. Come on. Now, wait a minute. Shut up! Oh, Deacon, it just occurred to me. Remember that other card sharp I was telling you about? Oh, yes. Well, I think I know who he is. I guess he'll be gone, though, by the time I attend to these birds. Oh, I'm sure he will. Good morning, Cheryl. Hello, Willie. Where you going with that grip at this time of night? I'm leaving town, Willie. What for? Well, it's kind of a long story. Something to do with those six decks of cards you found, remember? Yeah, but do you have to go? I guess I do. Good luck, son. Well, so long. Good luck. Hello, Deacon. Well, if it ain't Johnny Sloan and Phyllis... We've been waiting here to see you. I knew you didn't run away, Johnny. I just went after Phyllis. When I got back, I found this in my room. It's a deed to that property I wanted. Is that so? And I know who put it there and who paid for it. Thanks, Deacon. Oh, forget it. Or else go thank Brother Cunningham. It was really his money. Founder, why Mr. Cunningham wanted this hotel? You don't say. I bet he thinks there's oil on this property or something. Well, yes, he does. And there is, too. I've just been speaking to a man from one of the big companies. Oil? Oh, my Mrs. Clark, that's wonderful. Deacon, you did all this. Oh, listen, I didn't do anything. You certainly did. And I'm ashamed of the wrong way I had you pegged, Deacon. Well, I'm glad you changed your mind about me anyway, Johnny. You see, my uncle Sanky always used to say that the only people that ever changes their mind are them that hasn't. Well, I'll be getting on. Deacon, you aren't leaving. Oh, you can't leave now. Oh, I'm afraid I got too, Elsie, but it ain't a permanent part. There are a few things to take care of and a little thinking to do. When that's all over, I'll be coming back because I sure like this town and the people in it. Well, so long, folks. Good luck. Good luck, guys. We bring to a close our performance of Alias the Deacon. In a moment, Mr. DeMille returns with Bob Burns. But first, I want to tell you more about our spectacular new offer. Right now, for a limited time, you can get six beautiful teaspoons in the same handsome allure pattern we've offered before. And you can get all six spoons for only 50 cents and the top from a large-sized box of Newquake Lux Flakes. Well, that's less than 9 cents a spoon. It's a great value, a marvelous bargain. Every single piece is original Roger Silver plate made by the International Silver Company, the world's largest silversmith. That name stands for guaranteed quality. As a matter of fact, a written guarantee comes with the silver and says in part, Every piece of silverware bearing the name William Rogers Manufacturing Company is guaranteed to give satisfaction in family use and will be replaced with out charge at any time it is not conformed to this guarantee. That's it, a guaranteed quality and beautiful workmanship besides. The allure pattern is a delicate wheat motif that is truly stunning, rich, graceful, and so simple it will harmonize with other silver patterns you already have. How do I get these six teaspoons, Mr. Roy? It's very easy. First, buy the thrifty large-sized box of Lux. When you buy it, ask your dealer for the handy order blank or just send your name and address and the top from your large box of Newquake Lux with 50 cents in coin, no stamps please, Lux, Meridan, that's M-E-R-I-D-E-N, Meridan, Connecticut and you'll receive your six teaspoons promptly. Can I get as many sets as I like, Mr. Roy? You certainly can, but for each extra set be sure to send another 50 cents and another large box top. With the spoons you'll get a full list of all the other pieces available in the allure pattern including the smart new beyond knife and fork. Now remember, you can't buy this allure pattern in any store. It's exclusive with the makers of Lux Flakes. So send for your six teaspoons right away. Mail the top from a large box of Lux with 50 cents in coin and your name and address to Lux, Meridan, that's M-E-R-I-D-E-N, Meridan, Connecticut. This offer is good only in the United States. Here's Mr. DeMille with our star. The deacon is looking for new fields to conquer but the man who made him real tonight is right here at our microphone, Bob Burns. Thank you, Mr. DeMille. I want to tell you I enjoy coming to the Lux Radio Theater. You always say such nice things about my acting. Well, Bob, I hope it was acting. Now, Mr. DeMille, I don't want people to thank you if they come over to my house to play Old Maid. I'm going to deal from the bottom of the deck. You know, when we was rehearsing the other day I got to thinking about my Uncle Fudd. That's exactly what we've been waiting for, Bob. For something to remind you of your Uncle Fudd. Well, now, you may not know this, Mr. DeMille, but he's my poker-playing uncle. You know, he just wants to play poker all the time, but he never wins. The last time I was down in Van Buren, Uncle Fudd asked me to go along with him to a poker game. Well, I didn't get into the game, but I watched and I want to tell you, Mr. DeMille, it was awful the things they was doing to Uncle Fudd. While they dealt from every part of the deck but to top, well, I finally took Uncle Fudd out there after he'd lost $0.35 or $0.40, and I said to him, I said, Uncle Fudd, this game is crooked. They've been cheating you. He said, yes, Robin, I know it, because they've been cheating me right along. I said, well, what do you keep going back for? And he says, well, Robin, there ain't nothing I can do about it. It's the only poker game in town. Uncle Fudd's philosophy is certainly refreshing. I hope your relatives don't start that game on Monday nights until our play is over. What's your show going to be next Monday night, Mr. DeMille? We're going to have one of the great actresses of our time or any other time in the Lux Radio Theatre next Monday night, Miss Helen Hayes. Our play is the delightful comedy by Mark Connelly and George S. Kaufman to the ladies. With Helen Hayes, we'll have Otto Kruger, and they'll both be heard in the same parts they played in the Broadway production. And I serve fair warning that after hearing through the ladies, you can never doubt that the hand that wields the skillet is the hand that rules the world. Well, sir, I'm going fishing, but I'll take a radio long so I can hear that. Good night, Mr. DeMille. Good night, Bob. Come back with some fresh face stories. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Flakes, join me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night when the Lux Radio Theatre presents Helen Hayes and Otto Kruger in To The Ladies. This is Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. May I remind you, ladies and gentlemen, the American Red Cross is appealing to all Americans for contributions to help the thousands of suffering women, children and aged in war-ridden Europe. More help is needed, and now show your sympathy by sending a contribution to your local Red Cross chapter. Heard in tonight's play where Fred Mackay is Johnny, Dwayne Thompson as Mrs. Clark, Lou Merrill as Cunningham, Arthur Q. Bryan as Sullivan, Griff Barnett as Sheriff, Bobby Winkler as Willie, Ralph Sedan as Andre, Wally Mayer as Bull, Martha Wentworth as Mrs. Gregory, Celeste Brush as Mrs. Howley, Maxine March as Mildred Gregory, Edward Maher as Station Master, Ash as Police Chief. Bob Burns will soon be seen on the screen in the Paramount picture coming around the mountain. He appeared tonight to the courtesy of the Craft Music Hall. Bob has asked us to let you know that K. M. H. will go on the air one hour earlier this Thursday. Our music was directed by Louis Silvers, and your announcer has been Melville Ruick. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.