 All right so hi guys and welcome back to another episode on our channel my name is Kwame and this is my wife Elaine and it's been a while since we've done a video together so today we decided to you know come back and come back big big yeah because we're most of the topic we're gonna discuss but you're gonna find out in the bits but this was inspired by a question I got on one of my videos from another youtuber and I think it was along the lines of how do you what do you do when you're ready and your partner isn't ready and I think that inspired us to make a video around it yeah so we wanted to make a video about how to make big decisions with your partner and and we tried to break it down a bit so we talked about this video for a while before recording it and we also tried to give practical examples so that is not only concepts we talk about but also our own experiences so the practical examples are gonna be our stories which are in relation to the question of how we navigated big decisions or certain big decisions so we're gonna share that with you and then after that we're gonna break it down into the particular points that have worked for us yeah but before that we I think the first thing is what you have to identify your decision-making process as an individual yeah so we realized quite early on that we have quite a different decision-making process which was interesting to discover yeah so maybe because my my style of decision-making is usually a bit impulsive a bit because not a bit it's a very important thing is when I want something I have a strong conviction about the thing I decide and I want it now like I know that I'm going to live with the consequences of it and I'm very like you know I feel it's my intuition works for me when I need something or want something I want it and I want it now and it's usually based on the emotion of wanting the thing and then later on I think it's adaptiveness because when I get whatever it is or I make a decision or I make a clear decision to go and get that thing and when I do get it and it's not as I expected or whatever it is I learn from there and I adapt to it that's how I decide I don't on the other hand like I think there's no right or wrong it's just a different process so mine is more I need some time to align my head with my heart so for me to make a decision if I make a decision I fully commit so that means that I need some time to explore what this decision actually is in all its aspects and embrace that as well in all its aspects so once I say yes to this decision or no whatever the decision is I know that I'm fully committed to that answer and then whatever comes out after that I it's part of my commitment so mine started with a notch of what the possibility is and then I start to explore that possibility before I arrive to a full commitment whether that commitment is yes or no um so mine is more like a researcher I try to get inspiration talk to people listen to podcasts watch tv about it and then I make my decision just to fully grasp what it entails yeah and mine is more like an artist who is inspired by something and his intuition pushes him to just um do what's on his mind's eye and as the converse is spreading out he sees the picture Clara Clara and he adapts to what is going on there and the first example that we're going to give for our style of decision making was that when we first met and before we started the relationship I was very sure that I liked her and I wanted to be with her oh I wanted her to be my girlfriend and it's not a relationship with her and I was very forward about it and I wanted it like now let's do it yeah so he was already sure when we were not even in the same country yeah so we met in Ghana then I had to head back home and we stayed in touch and he was very forward and I just want this to happen which I thought was funny because we were just talking on what's up and I didn't want to talk or start a relationship over the internet honestly I know people can do that but for me it wouldn't be a full commitment again modern game modern game yes so then I got the opportunity to come back to Ghana for a research assignment and then we started dating dating properly yeah yeah so we went to the cinema all these things just to spend time together and feel what's like but then still I was already sure I'm sure I what am I supposed to do I like the person I want to be with the person um usually I have or I I start at certain points in getting to know somebody um I feel that I have known enough to like again commit and adapt yeah so my emotions and my intuition says no I want to try something with this person and I'll adapt to what comes out and I um most of the time not wrong yeah yeah well for you yes so what happened is that he was very ready and he also made that clear and then I had to tell him not tell but we talked about that I needed a bit more space to explore what this could be because I didn't want to commit if this would be just a thing that whenever we were together it would work but when I would go to Netherlands it wouldn't work it would work so I wanted to say fully yes to whatever possibility it would be and also and also build a foundation that um kind of like was strong enough to evolve yeah yeah not just of the whims of chatting on WhatsApp and everything let's be present together let's start something yeah concrete before and I also didn't want to lead you on with okay yes let's do this and then once we are apart because it was said that I would go back at some point yeah uh which also happened actually uh so I didn't want to lead you on for okay now it's fun fun fun and then when fun fun when I go back to Netherlands it crumbles apart and then we're both like it's not fair it's not real so that required a bit of patience from your side um but what my method kind of entails is that I'm not retreating from the this like I'm not retreating from the situation I'm still actively so we were hanging out you are more like a bridge builder yes I wanted to see what this would mean to me if it's just something for now or whether it I could fully commit to it and then I wanted to say yes so it required a bit of patience from your side um which I think you did very I did yes I did very because because again when I want something depending on like with my previous video that I made either saying no or not you didn't say no yeah you get it you said let's explore this it's a it's a possibility yeah it's a possibility you get it so there was something to hold on to or there's something to look forward to and that made it easier for me to yeah you know be patient yeah yeah but I think not everybody would be able to grant me that space and patience because I know it was a bit frustrating for you because you're like why are you not like what's the doubt there was no doubt I just needed more time to explore um before I could say fully yes and that worked out in the end because when I went to Netherlands it was still a yes yeah and we did long distance for one and a half years yeah so that's not easy if you're not sure of something long distance will teach you right away if somebody is your person or not yeah because it requires extra commitment and determination so I'm happy that we took our time yeah and and I think we you should check out our long distance relationship video which is going to probably pop up somewhere on the screen yeah you can check that one out maybe the second example I want to propose is uh we were a long distance for a while it actually flows into it so we're a long distance for our job in Netherlands and we knew that we wanted to be together in the long haul yeah um so it was just a matter of decision making as in when are we going to be together because yes you can be long distance for a while but if you don't have a goal where you work towards two then it's going to be very difficult to maintain yeah because it's like are we gonna what are we what are we working towards exactly yeah uh for us it worked to talk about it and continues to talk about what are our options and Crammy at the time was working still at CTFM so his whole network was there his whole life was in Ghana it wasn't like the easiest of things to do to just you know carry everything or quit everything and yeah go start over somewhere else and also the kind of work that I was doing as well after a few visits to the Netherlands I realized that it it wouldn't be as easy for me to assimilate into that environment yeah because traditional Dutch radio was still very much Dutch yes I didn't speak the language and most of the stations as far as I know even in Ghana it's not easy for you to enter the system yeah even in Ghana so most people pay the carryouts doing at the time which is radio start from you know late night shows night shifts you know build themselves before they can get prime time shows so it seemed much more uh higher ladder to climb yeah yeah so I think what was characterizing of that process is that we had a continuous conversation about what are our options so for example you also visited Netherlands you went to film school just so you would also understand the context of being in Netherlands what does it end to how does it make you feel to even be there yeah and then so we were like still gathering information but then at some point I got the an opportunity to apply for a job in Netherlands no in Ghana in Ghana yeah and then we talked about it over the phone like should I do it because I was good I was fine at my job in Netherlands but this would be an opportunity for us to be in one space for a longer time and this was also based on our you know strategic you know comparison an easy choice or an easier choice than me going there because she had already been to Ghana she had worked a little bit with a embassy so she had a bit of a network here already whilst I was completely new to the Netherlands so so then I had to make the decision for myself again do I want to commit to this so for me what I discovered is that if I would move to Ghana one thing I would really need was a job for myself so I wouldn't only lean on you yeah you didn't have to come to Ghana for just just you yeah which maybe people find a bit offensive like why don't you only want to come for him but I know for my own sanity and my own I need something I'm very independent and I'm very authentic so I don't do things the way other people would do so for me I would need my own space like I need to carve out my own space and how can I do that I can do that by having my own job and having my own community and when the job came true I just applied I was like let's see how it goes if it comes through then we see whether we want to do it then it came through and I was like okay so my requirement of what I need like my own independence my own authentic space it can be a reality so this requirement has been fulfilled so let's do it so I was able to fully commit because I knew what I needed so that's also one of the things that are very important when you make a big decision think of what you need as a person yeah of course you need to think of what do we need together but individually as well how does it benefit you and how does it feel and how yeah what do you need from the other person in terms of support as well and to be able to like assimilate properly is that the word the way like find your feet yes properly and you know ease up into the decision so if one person is ready the other person is not ready find out what is making the other person not ready what kind of support the other person needs to make it work for them and not just make it about both of you the whole time no because you're even though you're a unit because you're trying to build something together you still have individual needs yeah and to be able to make a big decision you really need to be honest with yourself like look in the mirror I think okay what do I need aside from what everybody expects from me yeah and that's a tough that's a tough thing to do not everybody is able to do that but we are learning by doing and we also ask each other a lot of questions yes we do that so you knew even though I had this opportunity to work in Ghana you knew that there were certain things I needed to figure out before I could go yeah and that's okay yeah and it wasn't that I was doubting you it was more like how can we make this situation a success instead of doing it in a rush and then suddenly we find ourselves being unhappy or not thinking things through and hitting the wall yeah which is also fine because you can learn from walls but for us we try to especially with big decisions we try to talk through it work through it get inspiration from others talk about it with others and discuss also the nudges of wisdom you find along the way so I guess the the lesson one of lessons here is that big decisions take time yeah they take time so for us they take time I'm sure that people do with decisions much faster but that's what you should know big decisions take time and you should always have the other person in mind as well as yourself and as well as the big picture so it's I think three-dimensional the big pictures and whatever the other person and in yourself yeah definitely yeah and for us I think I also had to make peace with the fact that I would slow down these decision making processes because you're quite like snappy like I know what I want and I want it now yeah and for me to be different yeah maybe other people would have want to catch up with you and like okay I can do it too but for me it was like no like if I'm really honest I need a bit of time and space to figure it out yeah because for me timing is very important I said you need to trust the timing of course you can force things but will it be as genuine if you force things so I we needed to accept that this is how I make decisions and it will be frustrating for you from time to time but I will also be frustrated with you because you're something like are you ready yet are you ready yet I want this I want that too there's like there are times when uh is it capriciousness yeah like when did we decide to do this and the clam is already gone like he's doing it already and like wait what yeah so that's scary for me too from time to time yeah because I'm like whoa whoa whoa like he's already running ahead and I'm just like if we just decide this so it's also asked me to be gentle empathize understand what's why the rush right yeah maybe you can tell about um our last example the marriage proposal yeah so wait what was what was the angle was supposed to that's no angle it's just you were very sure and you were quite it was quite a rigid decision right to do it at that particular moment yeah yeah yeah yeah so uh yeah with the marriage proposal again uh even when we were together at some point I was very sure that I wanted to like you know marry her or be with her besides you know the first one I was like the first boyfriend girlfriend thing so early on very early on in the relationship I knew I wanted to be with her but of course realizing the pattern of how things go you still need to be you know gauging when the right time is and it was I think summer of 2018 yeah I was in the Netherlands and I think I had about three days to leave or come back to Ghana I think two or something yeah and it was her birthday so I was talking I was talking with um Awo and um I asked like I asked her that like this is what's like you know the situation blah blah blah and Awo was like Awo is just like me as well my best friend she's just like me as well she was like do it so um I just went to the store I got a ring uh well she was at work actually yeah I was at work she was at work and I got a ring I went to get flowers to write a note and when I was getting the flowers I even bumped into her brother and I just told him that oh I'm just getting flowers for her birthday so he also didn't have any idea what I was doing so I was like running around Netherlands picking things Netherlands where we were just yeah picking things and planning to do the proposal and yeah she didn't you did you see it coming you didn't see it coming no I didn't see it coming because this is how you make the situation he's just like okay let's just do it and I mean I when you ask me I ask myself is this the person I want to be with and of course the yes came up so I was like okay I can say yes and all genuine genuineness yes but honestly for me I was like where are we already here like I just thought like we we will be together for a while maybe in a few years look see this is one thing that um people make jokes on on Twitter and Facebook and all these things that you know people date for 10 years before there's some marriage proposal or somebody dated somebody for 10 years and he's now proposing and other women should learn from it because there's this misconception that or there's this idea out there that women are often given men pressure especially in these parts to propose and you are in a relationship for five years you don't know where it's going or you don't know what's going to happen with you but that is what was different for me and funny enough is her that waited out and I'm not waited out but at least I didn't think that we were there yet but also I was there from year two I was already there please yeah only I think okay I think maybe what's in my mind I knew we were in for the long game so I already knew I was going to be with you till we were gray and old I just didn't give the I will be briefly you will still be popping no um I knew we were in for the long haul yeah it's just that I didn't give the concept of marriage a lot of thoughts so when he asked I was like yes because I know we are the real thing I want to work with you to make things work for the rest of my life I just think think of marriage yet and I just gave my hey what's up oh and there's a funny story of the how I don't want it you don't want to do it no I don't want to do it I don't know what you're talking about with the proposal how it went and everything no it's fine we'll do it yeah we did it at that time so sometimes the decision-making I know I can also pace up with him so with the marriage proposal I knew this is what I want even though I didn't give the concept of marriage a lot of thought I knew I wanted to be with him and if he asked me to marry him yes I want to yeah and we'll figure it out along the way and and we did that and we're still planning a wedding in Netherlands but COVID happened so yeah it's gonna come so what are we what we're trying to say all in all we're gonna break it down into the decision-making process that we use all that has worked for us over time and if you're gonna make the decisions with your partner maybe this will also give you some clarity yeah we're not saying that way is the right way it's just what has worked for us and maybe the process might help you figure some things out as well yeah I think the biggest takeaway is figure out what your decision-making process is yes so yes as an individual and then when you come together like how does it what's the dynamic yeah how do you find a middle ground yeah because we're two different decision-making people yeah I am intuitive emotional then adaptive later and she's more like spread it out research yeah and then when you commit you know what you're doing so two different spaces so know how your decision-making process is as an individual yeah because once you know then you can also try to understand where the other person is coming from and then when you're able to address it to each other you can also figure out what do you need to in order to make this decision so it defeats into the second thing being communicates your your ideas your decisions that you're trying to make communicate with the other person have conversations loads and loads of conversations about it yeah and try and make sure that you're on the same page and it's also important that it's a continuous conversation so you check in from time to time how is it going like whatever how do you feel about it now um sometimes I get home and I'm like oh I talked with a friend about this and this and she said this what do you think yeah um you don't have to have two hour conversations every time about the big decision but when you find a little piece of the puzzle you can share it yeah and and see what the other person thinks of it yeah so you bounce the ideas of it's a continuous thing on to the decision is finally made made um and also you have to communicate what you need from the other person in terms of yeah supports through the decision-making process um how to make it easier on you mentally to come to that final conclusion yeah I think that's also very important yeah so in terms of supports it could be let's talk about it or we should maybe do research together or um what well we also sometimes watch a Netflix series on the topic and then try to get as much information as possible and so that makes it maybe notice it's not my style it's not his style but we still watch it together just to figure out a few elements and then we can talk about it um not Netflix per se just a few content or youtube or you see an instagram post and I share it so maybe articles yeah everything everything just it's more like research research together yeah yeah and whether that's your way of doing or you just like go along with it like you do you kind of find a middle ground to navigate it yeah and is a final thing no I think that's that's about it yeah so I would be curious to know if people recognize this or if they think it's silly or really long that this is how we come yeah I think decisions but we think big decisions are pretty important and um for the for the most part I think people tend to struggle with those decisions when you assume they are on the same page and they later realize that's after committing the other person is not going to give the same energy or put in the same amount of work and then you realize that you're resenting the other person for leading you on and not communicating properly and you're assuming and if you're an impatient person you have to learn to be patient with the other person but in the patience process is when you talk it's the talking and keeping it's active all the time it's like a slow burn yeah I think it's like a slow burn so keeping it active all the time is also going to help you the person who is impatient because it's not a drought of the idea came as a big decision we didn't speak about it again until the other person was ready no and that would also make it my process instead of our process exactly so it's like you are ready me she's not and then you I have to wait for her the whole time and she's like yeah okay I'm ready now no no and then you don't even know how the other person came there yes so that's why it needs to be like and it's also good to have a continuous process so you manage expectations yeah because what what does the decision actually mean to you what do you envision when that happens so when I would move to Ghana what do you envision yeah no I don't think you would envision that I would be home all day waiting for you no no so you talk about all those things expectations yeah you talk about which is also fine but if you had an image and I had a different image then when we would get to the decision it would clash yeah so it just allows you to explore expectations understand each other support each other and what you need while making the decision and once you made the decision what do you need to make it a success a success in your own definition yeah who I think we got it yeah so if you like this video do like it and possibly share and of course we'd like to also hear from you in the description no comment section below and yeah we'll catch you in our next video we don't go on and on and on we can but we don't do that now so cheers and see you in the next one see you bye bye