 Introduction to Vice in its proper shape. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Vice in its proper shape, or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and misses into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous. Introduction It was the opinion of the wise Pythagoras and of some other philosophers that the souls of men, women and children after their death are sent into other human bodies and sometimes into those of beasts or birds or even insects, and that they thereby change their residence either to their advantage or disadvantage according to their good or ill behavior in their preceding state of existence. This singular opinion still prevails in some parts of the East Indies and that to such a degree that they make it criminal to put any animal to death. For how do you know, they say, but in killing a sheep, a bird or a fish, you murder your father or your brother or some other deceased friend or relation whose soul may inhabit the body of the animal you so wantonly destroy? An officer in the service of the East India Company and a particular friend of mine had liked to have lost his life by not paying a proper deference to this whimsical notion. For being some time in that part of the country and happening to shoot a heron, he was immediately arrested and prosecuted for it by one of the natives. The man insisted that the heron was inhabited by the soul of his father and supported his point so much to the satisfaction of the court that had it not been for the friendly assistance of a Jew who appeared as the captain's advocate, he would certainly have been condemned. The Jew allowed that what the plaintiff had asserted was strictly true, but pleaded on behalf of his client that the soul of his, the said client's, grandmother resided in the body of a fish, which the said client had often seen and knew perfectly well and that at the time when the heron was killed the said heron was going to dart upon the said fish to devour it so that the said client being strongly moved thereunto by his natural affection instantly shot the said heron purely to save the life of his grandmother. This plea was admitted and the captain was immediately discharged by order of the court. It is well for the reader that the captain escaped as he did, for if he had been hanged for murdering the heron it is more than probable that it would have been out of his power to have returned to England with that curious little treatise which I have now taken the pains to translate into English for the amusement of the little masters and misses of Great Britain. It contains a diverting account of several naughty boys and girls who after their death which was generally owing to their own folly were degraded into such animals as they most resembled when alive. I cannot pretend to say who was the author for his modesty was so great that he has not inserted his name in the title page. The captain tells me it is the opinion of some of the Indian critics that he was an academy-keeper who wrote for the instruction of his scholars and of others that he was a fond father who wrote for the entertainment of his children. But as it is very possible that both of them may be mistaken I shall not presume to decide which of them have been so fortunate to discover the truth in a matter of such evident importance. I have only to observe that as long proper names such as those of the Indians would have been too crabbed for most of my little readers I have put myself to the amazing trouble of substituting English names in their room which are expressive of the characters of the persons to whom they are applied. After humbly begging the author's pardon for taking this liberty with his ingenious performance I must desire all the masters and misses who read my translation of it to be extremely careful to avoid all the crimes and follies which it was intended to correct. Otherwise if my friend the captain who will probably hear of their ill behaviour should happen to speak of it when he makes another voyage to India and it should by any means reach the ear of my author we may perhaps have a second volume containing a mortifying account of the surprising and lamentable transmigrations of some of the naughty boys and girls in England. End of introduction. Chapter 1 of Vice in Its Proper Shape This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Vice in Its Proper Shape or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and misses into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous. Chapter 1 of the Wonderful Transmigration of Jack Idle into the Body of an Ass One morning after breakfast I took a walk into the fields with my seven dear children which I did not only for the benefit of their health but as a reward for their good behaviour they always obey me and their affectionate mother with the utmost cheerfulness and I in return am always ready to indulge them as far as my duty and their interest will permit. When we had travelled about three miles from the city where divine providence has fixed our abode we came to a range of little tenements or I should rather have called them sheds the midst of which, and it was likewise the largest, was fixed abode on which was written in lofty capitals wall, kin, behold, dandel, an which signifies walk in, behold, and learn the captain informs that this inscription is in the language of the ancient Brahmins While I was musing upon this strange inscription and wondering what curiosities there could be in such contemptible little huts the door of the middlemost was suddenly opened by a Brahmin who with the greatest politeness and affability desired us to walk in assuring me that notwithstanding the mean appearance of his little tenements there were several things to be seen in them which might contribute to the entertainment and instruction of my pretty fellow travellers I am, said he, as you may perceive by my habit, a Brahmin, and my name is Wiseman All the time I can spare from the worship of my maker and the contemplation of that astonishing wisdom and beneficence which he has displayed in his works of creation and providence I cheerfully devote to the service of my fellow mortals and particularly of the younger and unexperienced part of them The most valuable service I can render them is to conduct them into the paths of virtue and discretion For this purpose having been gifted with the faculty of distinguishing those animals which are now animated by the souls of such human beings as formally degraded themselves to a level with the unthinking brutes I have taken the pains to provide a collection of beasts, birds, etc. most of which are inhabited by the souls of some naughty masters or misses who died in the neighbourhood and it is possible were not unknown to your little companions It was a proverb among the ancient Brahmins that example is more powerful than precept and it is the common language of mankind to this day I understand what I hear, but I believe what I see It would not be a miss, therefore, if you were to accompany the young gentlemen and ladies into my little apartments that they may be eyewitnesses to the mortifying consequences of an ill-spent and vicious life even to those who have not arrived at the age of manhood We accepted the offer with the utmost gratitude and eagerly inquired what we had to pay for admittance but the good Brahmin assured us that he never made a traffic of the little wisdom he had to communicate and that the most acceptable recompense we could make him was to bestow what we could prudently spare upon such real objects of charity as might afterwards fall in our way For mercy and benevolence, said he, are the darling attributes of heaven and those who are most distinguished for the practice of them bear the nearest resemblance to their maker and will therefore receive the largest portion of his favour both in this world and in that which is to come The first room we were conducted into was the habitation of a little ass who, as soon as we entered the place, began to bray and kick up his heels at a most violent rate but upon the appearance of Mr. Wiseman which I have before observed was the Brahmin's name he thought proper to compose himself and stood as quiet as a lamb This stubborn little beast, said our kind conductor is now animated by the soul of the late master Idle In his lifetime he possessed all the bad properties of the animal you see before you so that, to speak the truth, he now appears in his proper shape His rough coat of hair is a very suitable emblem of the ruggedness of his disposition and his long and clumsy ears not only denote his stupidity but as they afford a very secure and convenient hold to anyone who has occasion to catch him when he runs loose in the fields they sufficiently intimate that he was always open to the ill advice of his playfellows If the meanest and most dirty boy in the neighbourhood was in want of a companion or rather a tool to assist him in his mischievous pranks he had nothing to do but to make his application to Jack Idle for foolish Jack, as they truly called him, was at the beck of every mischievous rogue and when the mischief was done he was always left like a stupid ass as he was to bear the burden of it His father had money and Jack's great pride was to be complimented by his ragamuffin companions as the cook of the game Once, I remember it perfectly well, three bargemen's boys having a violent inclination to plunder a pippin tree which was the property of Farmer Crusty, they gave Master Jackie such a tempting account of the wished-for prize and held forth so liberally in praise of his courage and ingenuity that they prevailed upon him to be not only a party but the commander-in-chief of this hopeful enterprise but, as such adventures generally terminate in the most mortifying disappointment the young plunderers were discovered by the Farmer before they had gathered half their booty The three Tarpaulins, being at the bottom of the tree, made their escape without much difficulty but Jack, who, to support the dignity of his command, had ascended almost to the top, was unfortunately taken prisoner The consequence was that his father, who had to deal with a wretch who was as crusty by nature as he was by name after being obliged to pay ten times the value of the fruit, conducted his son to Mr. Sharp the gentleman who had the trouble of his education, from whom he received a severe flogging in the presence of all his school-fellows as a very suitable reward of his stupid ambition From this account of him you will naturally conclude that he was no great friend to learning and indeed so remarkable was his aversion to the useful arts of reading and writing that his greatest improvement amounted only to an indifferent knowledge of the alphabet and the poor accomplishment of being just able to scrawl his own name in characters which were scarcely legible He was equally distinguished for his speed and fidelity when his parents sent him on an errand for he could hardly make shift to sawn to a mile in an hour and when he arrived at the place of his destination he usually forgot three-fourths of his message and endeavoured to supply the defect by some blundering tale of his own invention He was once dispatched by his father, in great haste, to a gentleman who lived not a quarter of a mile off to request the favour of his company, in half an hour's time, to settle matters with a grazer of whom they had purchased several head of cattle When Jack arrived at the gentleman's house, which he actually did in the short space of an hour and a half he rubbed his eyes and scratched his head and informed him that his father wanted him sadly and that he must come directly to speak with the brazier who, he said, had waited for him above two hours It was very happy for his parents, whether they thought so or not, that Jack's sudden exit out of the world in the thirteenth year of his age effectively prevented him from bringing any material disgrace upon his family which he certainly would have done if he had lived to be his own master The occasion of his death was as follows One morning, instead of making the best of his way to school, which he was constantly ordered to do happening very luckily to be overtaken by Tom Sharper and Dick Lackwit they prudently agreed to avoid the intolerable drudgery of the Horn Book by playing truant and indulging themselves in the profitable diversions of sitting all day on the bank of a lonesome brook to fish for minnows They had pretty good sport, as they called it, for the first hour but then Mr. Sharper's line happened to be entangled among some large weeds from which he could not disengage it as he stood up on the brink and as he was naturally too great and adept in the science of self-preservation to expose himself to danger when he could persuade another to supply his place he requested the favour of Master Idle to ascend a sloping tree which stood upon the bank and from thence to descend gradually upon a hanging branch the small end of which almost touched his line Poor Jack was somewhat unwilling to venture upon the experiment but a little more persuasion, which was supported by a few surly menaces soon vanquished every objection he accordingly ascended the tree but when he attempted to seat himself up on the hanging branch the small twigs upon which he stupidly fastened his hold for that purpose suddenly gave way and down he plunged into the middle of the brook where after many eager and ineffectual struggles to recover the bank he sunk to the bottom and rose no more the last words he spoke were oh my dear father, my dear mother, I wish I had he meant I suppose that he wished he had followed their good advice but the water which ran very fast into his mouth suddenly stopped his speech and nothing more was heard but a faint bubbling in his throat and two or three desperate plunges at the bottom of the water to preserve that life which fell a melancholy sacrifice to his own folly and disobedience one would think that such a shocking catastrophe would be sufficient to subdue ten times the stubbornness and stupidity for which Master Idol was so remarkable but as we are too apt to forget the eager promises and laugh at the self-condemning reflections which we have made in the hour of distress I need not mention it as a prodigy that the soul by which this little beast is animated is still infected with the same vicious disposition which disgraced and punished it when it occupied the body of Jack Idol two convinces of the truth of what he said the good Brahmin addressed himself to the ass before us and assured him that if he was sincerely inclined to behave as he ought to do and forsake the follies he had been guilty of in his former state of existence he should again have the honour to ascend to the rank of human beings but the stubborn little animal who perfectly understood what he said first leered at him with the most stupid resentment in the world and then fell abraying and kicking with greater violence than when we first entered the room so said Mr Wiseman is that your man as my boy and then giving him two or three hearty strokes well well said he if this is all the return I am to have for my generous care of you I will certainly sell you to the first Sandman I see who will bestow upon you plenty of dropping, plenty of fasting and what you will relish the worst of all a never failing plenty of work Chapter 2 of Vice in its proper shape this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Vice in its proper shape all the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and messes into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous Chapter 2 an account of the surprising transmigration of master Anthony Greedy-Guts into the body of a pig the next room into which we were conducted contained a fat little pig who as soon as we had entered the door began to cry A week, a week, a week in such a squeaking tone as grated our ears in the most disagreeable manner but as soon as Mr. Wiseman produced his wand he lowered his pipes to a few sulky grounds and then became as still as a mouse This young pig said the Vendorable Brahmin is now animated by the soul of the late master Greedy-Guts who died about two months ago and has left a number of relations behind him in almost every town you can mention Poor foolish youth if he had been less fond of his belly and more attentive to his book and to the good advice of his parents his soul would not have been confined as it now is in the body of that nasty greedy and noisy little animal which you see before you but to represent his character in its proper colours he was always a hogish little fellow and disdained every other sort of labour but that of lifting his hand to his mouth He loved eating much better than reading and would prefer a tart, a custard, a plum cake or even a slice of gingerbread or an apple to the prettiest and most useful little book you could present him with so that if his parents had purchased a hundred books for him one after the other he would have readily parted with them to the first crafty boy he met with who had any trash to spare by way of exchange It cannot therefore be considered as a miracle notwithstanding the extraordinary care and expense which his friends bestowed upon his education that he always continued a block head and was such a perfect dance at eleven years of age that instead of being able to read and write as a young gentleman ought to do he could scarcely tell his letters he was equally remarkable for his selfishness for if he had twenty cheesecakes in his box or his pockets full of oranges and apples he would sooner have given a tooth out of his head than have parted with one of them even to his own brother or sister the consequence was, and indeed what else could have been expected that he was despised and hated by all his playfellows and distinguished by the mortifying title of Tony Pig an animal which he perfectly resembled in his nastiness as well as greediness for if he was dressed in the morning as clean as hands could make him he would by running into puddles and canals and rolling upon the ground become as black as a chimney sweeper before noon and I sincerely believe that he thought it as great a punishment to have his hair combed or to wash his hands and face as to be whipped for he would cry and struggle as much to avoid the one as to escape the other but to ease his parents of their heavy apprehension upon his account and to rid the world of such a plague and disgrace as he certainly would have been if he had lived two years of maturity kind death was pleased to dispatch him in the twelfth year of his age by the help of a dozen penicasters which he greedily conveyed down his throat at one meal and thereby gorged his stomach and threw himself into a mortal fever after his exit his soul as I have already informed you was hurried into the body of this little pig a station which perfectly corresponds with his disposition nay so great is his stubbornness which is another hateful quality in which he resembled the animal before you that his punishment has not made the least alteration in his temper for if we were to get his soul replaced into a human body upon his promise of immediate amendment he will not submit even to make such a promise to convince you that I have not misrepresented his character I'll try the experiment immediately accordingly the good Brahmin asked him before us all if upon the condition above mentioned he would leave off his greedy and selfish behavior to this he come descended though with a visible reluctance to grant aye aye but how long will it be said Mr. Wiseman before you perform your promise a week a week a week cried the pig and how long will it be before you lay aside your nastiness and maintain such a cleanly and decent appearance as becomes a gentleman a week a week said the dirty creature and how long will it be before you respect to the good advice of your parents and prefer the improvement of your understanding to the gratification of your appetite a week a week a week replied the stubborn little animal in short said the worthy Brahmin if I were to repeat the same questions to him a month or even a year hence I should not prevail upon him to say now but his constant answer would be a week a week a week I believe therefore that instead of reforming him which is an event that would afford me the most sensible pleasure we shall at last be forced to roast and eat him for as long as he continues in his present way of thinking it is very certain that his existence can be of no service either to himself or anyone else thus then said he I have troubled you with a particular account of this stupid little pig and I sincerely hope that the story will prevail upon my young visitors to be cleanly in their appearance temperate in their diet and kind and obliging to everybody for whosoever pursues a contrary behavior is in reality a hog though he bears the name of a gentleman End of Chapter 2 Recording by Iswa in Belgium in August 2008 or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and misses into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous Chapter 3 The Transmigration of Miss Dorothy Chatterfast into the Body of a Magpie In one corner of the room where poor Tony Pig was confined hung a large cage which was the prison of a pert young magpie as soon as my son Jackie, who was the youngest of the company and remarkably fond of birds, had saluted her by the well-known appellation of mag, poor mag she wagged her tail with surprising agility and began to chatter in such an elevated tone and with such a rapid pronunciation that I was heartily glad when the kind Brahmin commanded silence The body of this party-coloured, locations bird said he is the involuntary residence of the late Miss Dorothy Chatterfast who was a most notorious little gossip and belonged to a family which is as numerous as that of the greedy guts To do her justice she was a handsome little girl and as brisk and notable as any young miss in her neighbourhood but to her own misfortune and the unspeakable vexation of most persons who came within the sphere of her observation her little tongue was as active as her hands she learned to talk very early and so speedy was her improvement in the art of prattling that before she was three years old she could lisp out a tale in very intelligible language Her parents were so unwise as to encourage her in this mischievous kind of ingenuity Not only from the pleasure they took in hearing how fast she learned to speak but because they considered it as an infallible token that she would in time prove an excellent wit and a notable manager It is not therefore to be wondered at that she took a great deal of notice of everything which passed in the family and particularly in the kitchen If any of the servants accidentally broke a teacup or saucer, a glass, etc. or received an unexpected visit from some of their acquaintance or relations when her parents happened to be absent from home she never failed to inform them of it, their first opportunity with many aggravating circumstances of her own invention for which they generally complimented her by way of reward with the flattering titles of a good child, a sweet little deer, and a careful little girl By this officious impertinence she frequently got the servants reprimanded and sometimes dismissed so that by degrees they all began to fear and hate her She was equally attentive to every trifle which happened at the school where she was daily sent to learn the art of reading and the use of her needle For the moment she came home and before she had well entered the parlour door and made her curtsy, her little tongue began to rattle like a mill-clack Mama said she, Tommy Careless was flogged for tearing his book Jackie fidget because he was a naughty boy and would not sit still Polly giddy brains for losing her needle and thread paper and lord bless me my mom was so cross that she was going to put the nasty fool's cap on my head only for miscalling the first word in my lesson In short she was such a notorious tell-tale that she was soon dignified by her school-fellows with the honourable appellation of Dolly Cagmag As she advanced in years the habit grew upon her and when she was old enough to be introduced into company and go of visiting she carried on the same mischievous and despicable trade abroad in which she had met with such encouragement at home Whatever she saw or heard in one place she would be sure to report it in another So that all the masters and misses who had the mortification to fall into her company considered themselves as under the malicious inspection of a meddlesome spy which they had the more reason to do because she seldom failed to embellish her informations with the recital of several unfavourable circumstances of her own invention Indeed Mr. Wiseman said Betsy my youngest daughter what you have told us is exactly true for I have been in company with Miss Chatterfast several times and I remember once in particular that when master Spritely who was a merry young spark had stolen a kiss from Miss Patti Sweetlips though the poor young lady blushed as red as scarlet and seemed to be greatly displeased at the freedom which had been taken with her Miss Chatterfast was so mischievous as to represent her to all her acquaintances as a bold little hussy who loved to be kissed by the young gentleman When poor innocent Patti was informed of the character which had been so unjustly fixed upon her she was ashamed to stare out of doors and laid it so much to heart I thought she would have cried her eyes out This was very unkind indeed replied the good Brahmin and yet I sincerely believe that all the mischief her tongue was guilty of was more owing to her vanity and that talkative humour in which she had always been encouraged from her infancy than to any real malice in her heart She had been longer accustomed to speak without thinking and naturally imagined that her impertinent locacity would be as much admired and applauded by other people as by her thoughtless parents I have the satisfaction however to observe that you are perfectly sensible of her mistake though she had not the good fortune to be so herself If she had lived much longer it is very probable that the many slights and affronts she must necessarily have met with would have opened her eyes for those who by their impertinent censures set the whole world at defiance may reasonably expect to find an enemy in every house they enter But her meddlesome inquisitive disposition proved to be the accidental means of shortening her days before she had experience enough to correct it For one evening Mr Kindly, a wealthy merchant, indulged all the young masters and misses in the neighborhood with a splendid ball at his own house Miss Chatterfast, though she had at that time a severe cold upon her was so desirous of embracing such a favourable opportunity of making her remarks upon the behaviour and different dresses of the company and thereby furnishing herself with an ample stock for conversation that she could not be prevailed upon by her two indulgent parents to spend the evening at home The consequence was such as might naturally have been expected by first overheating herself at the ball and afterwards exposing herself to the night air in her return home Her cold, which was bad enough before, suddenly increased into a violent fever which hurried her to the grave in the short space of five or six days Though her untimely death excited the transient pity of most of her acquaintance very few of them, I believe, were really sorry to part with her But notwithstanding that violent propensity to exercise her tongue which she too frequently indulged to the vexation of her neighbours she had a large fund of good nature at the bottom so that I am in hopes that she will soon be restored to the rank of human beings and have an opportunity of employing her speaking faculties with greater discretion and in a more agreeable manner than she did before Her former locacity, as I have already observed was almost entirely owing to that vanity and want of thought in which she had been too much encouraged by the simple fondness of her parents but the low station in which she now appears will probably teach her to be more humble and considerate and have consequence to check that talkative humour which in her past lifetime formed the most remarkable part of her character Poor Mag, who I suppose understood every word the Brahmin said wagged her tail a little as we left the room but did not think proper to utter a single chatter End of Chapter 3 Chapter 4 In the next apartment we entered we saw a little snarling car who immediately saluted us with a surly grin and barked and yelped as if he would have torn the house down He was indeed very securely chained to a small canal but my daughter Betsy, happening to venture too near him he snapped at her and tore her apron Take care, miss, said Mr Wiseman and keep out of his reach for though he is but a cur he is very mischievous His body is the contemptible residence of the soul of the late master Charles Poor miserable youth He was a wrangler from his infancy and his litigious temper gave him as just a title to the name of Charles as his birth Even when he was a child in arms he was such a peevish and noisy little brat that his mama could not find a woman who would undertake the trouble of nursing him and as soon as he was able to speak and run alone he began to wrangle with his brothers and sisters upon the most trifling occasions and seldom forgot to support his argument by exerting his little hands and heels with the most malicious activity so that to mortify his pride and give a check to his ill-nature they bestowed upon him the disgraceful title of young kick-and-cuff Poor Stephen, however bid defiance to all their ridicule and was so far from being reclaimed by it that his turbulence increased in proportion to his strength and stature He was afterwards as quarrelsome at school as he had been at home and in every party at tour or trouble or any other innocent diversion in which he happened to be engaged he was always remarkable for disturbing the game by his frivolous disputes Nay, when he was only a looker on he would betray his wrangling impertinent temper by calling out such a one does not play fairly such a one counts too many and such a one goes in before his turn The usual reward he received for his trouble was a handsome drubbing sometimes from his master but more frequently from his school fellows He was equally notorious for his great forwardness to give a challenge upon the slightest provocation and very often from mere wantoness and sometimes he would very unfairly begin an engagement without giving any previous notice that he might make sure of the first blow but his strength and skill being unequal to his pretensions the many mortifying defeats he received soon taught him the despicable cunning of assaulting none but those who he believed were either too weak to content with him or too cowardly to stand in their own defense The speedy consequence of such a dirty conduct was that the bigger boys despised and laughed at him and those who were less than himself carefully shunned his company so that at last poor wrangling Stephen for want of playfellows had no other diversion left for him but to take a solitary ramble through the fields his parents being informed of the disagreeable situation into which he had brought himself and what a shy reception he met with from all the boys in the neighborhood thought it advisable after giving him a strict caution to behave in a more peaceful manner for the future to remove him to a gentile boarding school at a distance from home If he had thought proper to follow their advice and make a diligent use of the excellent instructions he received from his new teachers he might afterwards have cut a shining figure in the world but as what is bred in the moon seldom gets out of the flesh so it fared with Stephen Churl though he was a little reserved at first as being entirely among strangers a short acquaintance with them made him very familiar the affability and good nature with which they listened to everything he said soon encouraged him to be pert and from pertness he proceeded to open rudeness and ill manners until at last happening to be very mildly reprimanded by one of the young gentlemen whose tenderness he misconstrued into cowardice he commenced hostilities as usual by giving him an unexpected blow on the face but his antagonist, being possessed of as much spirit as politeness returned the compliment in an instant and conducted the engagement on his side with such vigor and activity that our hero soon retired from the field of battle heartily dropped to make his complaint to the master who, after a minute inquiring to all the circumstances of the fray thought proper to reward him for the unnecessary trouble he had given himself with the severest flogging he had ever received in his lifetime thus mortified and disgraced the unfortunate Stephen resolved upon an elopement but being ashamed to return to his parents he rambled through the fields and woods and scrambled over hedges and ditches until at length having torn his clothes to rags and being almost ready to perish with hunger he eagerly listed himself into a gang of gypsies and sapped very heartily upon the remains of a roasted cat the intolerable hardships he suffered and the coarse fare he was obliged to put up with in this new situation together with the frequent bangs and thumbs which he received from the younger part of his trolling comrades who were as crawlsome and mischievous as himself but abundantly more robust soon broke his heart so that he died in a barn and was buried like a beggar at the expense of a little country perish while the Brahmin was concluding the history of Master Charles my son Jackie, whose tamper was rather too fiery looked very sheepish which his sister Betsy observing and easily guessing the cause of it she desired him with a good natured smile when we were leaving the room to think on poor Stephen and be sure to take warning End of Chapter 4 Recording by Eswa in Belgium in August 2008 Chapter 5 of Vise in His Proper Shape This is a LibriVox recording Our LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Hashem Jain This is in its proper shape or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and vices into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by anonymous Chapter 5 The Comical and Modified Transmigration of Little Monsieur Fribble into the body of a monkey After we had taken our leave of Master Cole we were conducted into the apartment of Mr. Bug a chattering young monkey who, as soon as he saw us whipped his little hat under his arm in a crack and seated himself upon his backside welcomed each of us into the room by several ceremonious nods which were intended to supply the place of a bow and were accompanied by such a noisy effected grin that it was impossible for us to stop your laughing This contemptible animal so in Mr. Weissman is inhabited by the little soul of the late Master Billy Fribble a young gentleman of French extraction whose friends came and settled in the country about 50 years ago His playfellows dignified him with the humorous title of the Little Monsieur not so much on account of his diminutive stature as for that trifling and cynical behavior which distinguishes the least respectable though by many thoughtless persons most admired part of the French nation as neither his bodily nor mental faculties were very vigorous his childhood was remarkable only for a certain effeminate vivacity which continually displayed itself in such a noisy and insignificant pattern as was very tiresome and disagreeable to everybody in the house much older he added to his formal luck the most passionate fondness for fine clothes so that in the 12th year of his age he became as complete a top as ever I has beheld he wore upon his head a microphone hat of the size of a small de-saucer his coat which scarcely had any skirts to it was the most clearing color he could fix upon and his hair which were blistered over with powder and pomatum was dyed behind in a large club which hung sagging upon his shoulders like a soul juice knapsack thus elegantly dressed he strutted along the streets with a large stick in his hand a foot taller than himself and a small cashew-de-chasse by his side which he could handle with as much dexterity as his pen an instrument in the use of which he had made such a contemptible proficiency that it required as much acuteness discovered the meaning of this awkward scroll as to explain the hieroglyphic characters of the ancient Egyptians what still encouraged the obscurity of everything which must be a fable undertook the trouble of penning was that accepting when he wrote his own name he had a method of spelling which was peculiar to himself he was equally famous for his skill and a useful science of numbers for though during the space of 7 or 8 years he devoted to it a considerable part of that lingering time which he was forced to spare from his private divisions in school hours the sum total of his improvement was that he was scarcely capable of casting up the contents of a shoemaker's little bill his highest ambition was in the first place to furnish himself with a large collection of complementary phases which he had seldom discretion enough to apply with any tolerable propriety and in the next to complete himself in the polite art of dancing in which he so far succeeded as to be able to skip about with the most regular agility though he never had a sufficient share of good sense to be able to dance with gracefulness and that's accomplished he excited the admiration of every silly quacket and the envy of every fluttering pocom but by all young gentlemen and ladies of understanding he was heartily despised as a mere civilized monkey he performed everything by imitation and he imitated nothing unless he was forcibly compared to it by which a rational being may be distinguished from a brute animal but the species of imitation in which he most delighted was that which in the world style is called mocking for he was not possessed of a sufficient stock of ingenuity to be but he very frequently attempted to be a clever mimic if any of his schoolmates happened to be afflicted with an impediment in this speech an accidental lameness or the like he had the mean barbarity to endeavor to aggravate the misfortune by a cause imitation which generally turned the whole ridicule upon himself he once had the impudence to practice his mockery upon a worthy gentleman in the neighborhood who was so unfortunate as to be unable to speak without stuttering the gentleman happening to pass by Mr. Freebull's store at which our little monsieur was then standing with a magpie in his hand Bill said the good man after inquiring very civically how he did as the pretty mag learned to talk the yes replied the saucy fob better than you do or else I would wring his head off this rude and impertinent answer which at first excited the laughter of some of the bystanders soon gave them a very mean opinion of him and he was afterwards despised by every sensible person as a mischievous and thinking cook home what aggravated his punishment was that he had so frequently indulged himself in the ungenerous and silly practice of mocking the imperfect pronunciation of others and at last he himself contracted the habit of stuttering as he could never leave off this gave such a poor recommendation to the nonsensical things he was continually saying that he became the object of ten times the ridicule which he had endeavored to inflict upon those with a natural impediment what was predicted in them as a misfortune who despised with him as an ill acquired and consequently a vicious imperfection and therefore everyone was feeling to increase the modifying smart of it and keep alive the conscious shame he felt of wearing a full scalp which was entirely of his own making this vexatious and in some degree vindictic to which he was daily exposed and which in time he might have softened disarmed by an humble and pertinent disappointment gave such an insupportable wound to his foolish pride that he soon absconded from company and died of a broken heart that his soul might afterwards occupy such a station as would be most suitable to his character it was intense to inhabit the body of that finical grinning and Michelle was a little mimic with full legs which you now behold before you as soon as the Brahmin had finished his story poor pug who seemed to retain all the little pride of Mr. Fribble grinned, chattered and skipped about with a ridiculous resentment which was mingled with evident marks of fear until at last having agitated himself into a perfect passion he made a hasty spring at his keeper which to his own abatement and the laughter of my young companions was as suddenly checked by a small chain secured him to the floor End of Chapter 5 Recording by Ashwin Jain Chapter 6 As soon as we had lifted up the latch to enter into the next apartment we were immediately alarmed by a horrid howling which upon opening the door we discovered to be the savage music of a lusty young wolf who looked as fierce as if he would have torn every one of us to pieces but a strong chain confined his fury to one corner of the room so that we could venture pretty near him without any danger of feeling the strength of his jaws This plundering and voracious animal the Brahmin who has been accustomed to gratify his appetite at the expense of all the farmers in the neighborhood is inhabited by the soul of the late master Filch who as you will find by the sequel of the story is now placed in a station which is perfectly suitable to his character His very infancy was disgraced by a natural propensity to fraud and rapine for as soon as he could talk plain enough to be understood the chief employment of his tongue was to tell as many stories as his little head was capable of inventing and that his hands might come in for their, Sheriff Mischief he never failed to make a property of all the sugar, fruit, tarts, etc which the carelessness of the servants had left within his reach If his parents had been wise enough to chastise him for his little roguery they might have nipped it in the bud but they were so imprudently fond that they not only neglected to administer the discipline of the rod but made his falsehood and pilferings the constant subject of their merriment they considered his faults as trivial because they were the faults of a child not reflecting that if the seeds of vice are suffered to grow they will, in a shorter time than is commonly imagined take such deep root in the heart that it will be scarcely possible to eradicate them Experience, however, soon undeceived them for when little Filch was eight or nine years old though he had plenty of fruit at home they had the mortification to be informed that he was making daily incursions into every poor man's garden in the neighborhood the consequence of these repeated complaints was sometimes a severe reprimand and sometimes a severe aflogging but neither the one nor the other was able to produce a reformation though it is very probable that if they had been applied in time they might have been applied to better purpose From robbing orchards he soon proceeded to the raising private contributions on his school fellows sometimes he defrauded them at play sometimes he picked their pockets and very frequently he stole their books or money out of their desks and boxes and as it is the study of every wicked boy to maintain the appearance of honesty as long as he is able as soon as the robbery was discovered he was the first person to exclaim against it which he did in the bitterest terms and to prevent a long and circumstantial inquiry after the author of it which he suspected would not terminate in his favor he impudently pretended to have been an eyewitness of the fact and then boldly charged it upon one or another of his schoolmates who he knew had neither skill nor spirit enough to contradict his evidence in a satisfactory manner by this means the bashful innocent was frequently punished instead of the guilty but as bad boys are seldom able to conceal their faults long from the eye of justice young Filch was soon detected in his wickedness and being considered as a dangerous person whose bad example might have a pernicious effect upon his play-fellows he was first corrected with all the severity he deserved and then sent home to his parents in this disgraceful manner he was dismissed from every school in the country till at last though he was only thirteen years old there was not a single academy into which he could be admitted upon any terms whatever but this was not the worst effect of the ill character he had acquired for as no one is willing to introduce a lad of bad reputation into his house there was not a tradesman of any credit to be found who would venture to take him as an apprentice though a large premium was offered for that purpose his parents therefore were under the disagreeable necessity of keeping him at home having little or nothing for him to do he soon fell into bad company who in his short a time gave him a perfect relish for the scandalous and expensive amusement of gaming and tippling his finances though sufficiently plentiful for a youth of his age were by these destructive means so much encumbered with little debts that to maintain a worthless credit among his worthless companions he formed the wicked resolution of taking money from his father and mother without their knowledge the success of his first attempt in which he was not discovered because he was not suspected to be capable of so much baseness encouraged him to a second and the success of his second attempt encouraged him to greater extravagances and more expensive risk than he had ventured upon before but his wickedness which in the former instances had been wrongfully charged upon the servants of the family being at last detected and his parents taking him very severely to task on account of such an abandoned and depraved conduct he left them in a fit of anger and remorse and became a thoughtless and unhappy wanderer in this situation falling one evening into a company whose mirth and gaiety greatly delighted him and whose gentile appearance led him to suppose they were gentlemen though in reality they were no other than highwaymen he was prevailed on in an unguarded moment when heated with liquor to make an incursion with this infamous bandity and actually stopped a gentleman and demanded his money unfortunately however for this unhappy youth the gentleman was an old school fellow and making himself known to him with much entreaty prevailed on him immediately to leave the company of those desperate adventurers and totally to abandon a mode of life so shockingly wicked in itself and so dreadfully fatal in its consequences but from the idle and dissipated manner in which he had spent his time he had contracted an unconquerable habit of indolence and a rooted aversion to business in this frame of mind the army became his last resource into which he entered as a common soldier but after a short time his itch for pilfering returning he could not refrain from making free with some money with which he was entrusted by his officer being detected he was punished with that rigorous severity with which thefts in the army usually are and being afterwards thrown into the Savoy prison to prevent a repetition of his crime he died there in a few days of his wounds in the utmost misery when the Brahmin had finished this melancholy tale the poor wolf as if he was conscious how nearly it concerned him heightened the horror with which it had filled us by such a mournful and terrifying howl as made us heartily glad to quit the room or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and misses into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous without having the good manners to rise when we entered but when the Brahmin applied his wand to young Bruin's buttocks he heaved up his shaggy hide with a kind of lazy resentment and saluted us with a reluctant grin and a savage growl which plainly intimated that he did not think himself much beholden to us for our company this young brute said our conductor is animated by the soul of the late master rustic of clownish memory his father was a gentleman of rank and fortune and greatly beloved and respected by all his acquaintance and if his son Richard had possessed the same virtues and accomplishments he might afterwards have enjoyed his title and estate with equal comfort and reputation but as merit does not go by inheritance like house and land young rustic's character was entirely the reverse of his father's he was of an awkward clumsy make and the heaviness of his disposition and the coarseness of his manners perfectly corresponded with the shape of his body though he was sent to school very early and put under the care of the best instructors which the country afforded it was a considerable time before he could tell his letters and much longer before he could read with tolerable accuracy and even then he pronounced everything with such a clownish accent and such a drawing tone that any stranger would have taken him for a young country bumpkin who had been used to follow the plow-tail and not for the son and heir of a wealthy gentleman he was equally eminent for his neatness and dexterity in the art of penmanship for even when he was twelve years old if you had seen the letter which he then sent to his mama without the knowledge of his master it was wrote so crooked not from side to side as it ought to have been but from corner to corner and the strokes were all so coarse and uneven and the whole of the letter so awkwardly spelt and so unmercifully blotted and bedogged that you would have thought it had been the elegant epistle of Tony Claude Hopper to his grandmother Goodie Lindsay Woolsey as for his mama poor gentlewoman when she first opened it she thought it had been sent to her by some impudent shoe-black or chimney sweeper when she had directed her eyes to the bottom and red though not, I assure you, without the greatest difficulty from your lovin' and respectful son Richard Rostek she was so much oppressed with shame and vexation that she tore the letter into a thousand pieces and was ready to burst into tears he was alike remarkable for the politeness of his manners and his agreeable address for he had such a treacherous memory though he had been frequently reminded of the propriety and indeed the necessity of observing those little punctilios of good behavior that he seldom remembered when any company entered the room in which he happened to be sitting either to rise from his chair or take off his hat and when he was told of it either by his parents or his master he would bounce up and snatch of his hat in such an awkward hurry grinning and leering the whole time that you would have thought he had just started from a dream and even then he would generally forget to finish the rude ceremony by making one of his ducking boughs it is true indeed he had been under the hands of a dancing master but not withstanding the utmost care and assiduity of his teacher who was esteemed a very excellent one he was never able to perform a whit better than he does in his present shape in short you might as well have kept a hog in training for new market races or an ox for his majesty to ride upon at a grand review as have attempted to initiate master Dicky Rustick in the elements of politeness and good breeding with such a delicate disposition and such amiable talents you will readily perceive that he must have been a most agreeable playfellow his favorite diversion was that which has been distinguished by the vulgar by the well-known name of Pully Holly in which he so much excelled that whenever he was invited by the young gentlemen and ladies in the neighborhood to play with them he generally rewarded their civility by tearing their coats or pulling their clothes off their backs before he returned home so that at last they bestowed upon him by general consent the honorable title of Squire Bruin it must however be acknowledged that he was a youth of such impartial justice that he showed as little favor to his own clothes as those of other people for what with climbing up old trees and rambling over hedges and ditches to seek for bird's-ness he commonly appeared by dinnertime how well so ever he had been dressed in the morning in as ragged a coat as he wears at present it must also be remarked that if the young gentlemen and ladies soon grew weary as indeed they did of such a rough playfellow he in his turn was as willing to leave their company as they were to be rid of his for his chief delight was to associate with such vulgar boys and girls as were of the same rugged disposition as himself with these he could pull and haul and romp and tear as long as he pleased and the more active he became in this ragamuffin species of diversion the more they relished his company but upon occasion he could fight as well as play I mean when he either was provoked to it by his equals or attempted to it by the hopes of defrauding of their little property those who he knew had neither strength enough nor courage to resist him but whatever was his motive either for beginning or suffering himself to be drawn into an engagement he was very far from confining himself to any rules of honor or to the established laws of war for instead of boxing fairly he would kick, pull, hair, bite and scratch most unmercifully and never fail to take every advantage of his antagonist for these reasons he was soon dignified with the name of Dick Bear even by the vulgar boys in the streets and most of them afterwards took care never to engage with him unless when there were several other boys present to see fair play one would think that such a rough hewn and slovenly mortal as we have been describing would have had little regard for any delicacies in the eating way but whoever draws such a conclusion in favor of our hero, Dicky Rustick is greatly mistaken for I can assure you that he has had as nice and dainty a tooth as any lady in the land though his father always kept a handsome table it afforded scarcely anything which was good enough for the palette of Master Richard nothing would go down with him but tarts, custards and the most costly cakes and puddings for as to good roast and boiled meat and plain and wholesome pies or dumplings he would turn up his nose at them as if they were fit only for vagabonds and beggars nay even to this very hour and in his present clumsy shape he is almost as dainty as ever for he is remarkably fond of honey and if permitted would often expose his jaggy head and his eyes to the resentment of the bees by disturbing their hives to rob them of their delicious store it was his fondness for niceties of every kind which shortened his days and eased his parents of their apprehensions for a son who, if he had lived would have been a continual plague and disgrace to them for on the day when he entered into the fourteenth year of his age being indulged rather more than common he devoured such a quantity of the richest tarts that his stomach could not digest them so that he soon fell into a violent fever which in a few days hurried his unworthy soul out of the body of a young country squire for such he would have been into the carcass of this hairy and awkward young monster which now stands before you he so well understands what I have been saying and is so much vexed at the character I have given of him which he knows to be a very just one that if you will promise to quit the room and leave him to himself he will pleasure you with one of his best dances before you go accordingly after thanking the Brahmin for the account he had given us we all promised to leave Mr. Bruin to his own meditation upon which after taking two or three sulky rounds the young savage reared himself upon his buttocks and shuffled a sour-bound which lasted a few minutes when he had finished his dance he swaggered down again upon his four paws and by a sullen growl seemed to claim the performance of our promise an indulgence which we very readily granted him For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Vice in its proper shape or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and misses into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous Chapter 8 of the astonishing transmigration of Miss Abigail Evil Tongue into the body of a serpent In the next department we saw a large wire cage in which the Brahmin told us he had a bird which was something different from the common ones and so indeed it was for upon my eldest daughter's going near to see it she was startled by a large serpent which darted itself against the wires and hissed and hissed as if it would have stung us all to death in an instant it was, however, a very beautiful creature of the kind and as the sun then shone very bright the gold and silver streaks upon its azure skin made a very splendid appearance My youngest son wanting to go and stroke it No, my pretty boy, said the good Brahmin If you have any value for yourself you will always keep out of the reach of such creatures as these and of all such who resemble the young lady by whose soul this serpent is animated I say young lady, because the serpent before you is indeed animated by the soul of the late Miss Abigail Evil Tongue The family of the Evil Tongue, I dare say you have heard of them is extremely numerous for there are some and indeed too many of them in every town and I believe in every village in the country Miss Abigail, the young lady I am speaking of had as just a title to the name and supported the character of her family with as much exactness as any one amongst them for her Tongue was remarkably active and spared the reputation neither of friend nor foe She was, it is true, a very handsome girl and the charms of her person would have procured her many admirers if they had not been disgraced by her natural propensity to slander and defamation In her very infancy as soon as she could speak to be understood she began with telling fibs of the servants and very frequently of her brothers and sisters for which you may be certain they all despised her very heartily but as she was too much encouraged in this hateful practice by her parents instead of being severely flogged for it as she ought to have been she set the frowns and sneers of the others at open defiance and the more they resented her little malice the more eager she was to gratify it by loading them with all the falsehood she was capable of inventing In proportion as she grew older this mischievous habit increased upon her and when she was big enough to go visiting she indulged it abroad with as much freedom as she had been used to do at home so that in a short time there was scarcely a young miss or master in the neighbourhood whose character she had not attempted to injure what made her slanderous the more odious was that she generally vented them under a pretense of the greatest friendship and respect for the persons to whom she related them and with great seeming pity for those whose reputation they were intended to destroy she had likewise the malicious cunning to say many trifling things in praise of the objects of her censure that by thus assuming an appearance of the strictest impartiality and of the sincerest good nature she might more easily gain credit to the bad things she said afterwards by such artifices as these she frequently succeeded with the innocent and the unwary and set one acquaintance and even one friend against another without any sort of advantage to herself but the mere pleasure of making mischief another trick which she often employed for that purpose was to examine into a young gentleman or lady's constitutional foibles for we all have some and when she had discovered these to go immediately to the person and tell him or her that master or miss such a one had publicly ridiculed him for those very failings by these means she was almost certain to be believed without any further inquiry for everyone even upon the slightest hint will readily suspect that those things have been said of him which he most wishes to be concealed because he is conscious they are really true he will seldom trouble himself to inquire into the veracity of the tale-bearer lest he should be reduced to the necessity of defending himself on his weakest side for a similar reason when Miss Abigail had a mind to flatter any person which she frequently would to answer the purposes of her malice she always commended him for those particular good qualities or accomplishments which she knew he most valued himself for or chiefly wished to have the credit of because she was sensible that by this method she effectively retained his own vanity as her advocate for whatever she said afterwards nay, I have been informed by one who knew her perfectly well that young as she was she sometimes carried her artifice so far as to begin a dispute with the person she intended to deceive and after a little sharp altercation, pro and con to flatter his vanity by gradually giving up the argument and at last yielding him a victory which gave him the more pleasure because he thought it to be entirely owing to the invincible strength of his judgment but she had another fault which if possible was still more odious than any of those already mentioned vis to revile and backbite those from whom she had received the greatest favours for as she was too proud to own herself to be under obligations to any person so to prevent others from taking notice of them as she imagined to her disadvantage she would represent every obligation she had received from her friends to be either of the most trifling consequence or to have been bestowed from selfish and despicable motives such was the temper and behaviour of Miss Abigail who was a wretched complication of malice, low cunning and ingratitude it is therefore no wonder that every person of sense and character was careful to avoid her company and that she was detested by many and despised even by those who wished her well in short, the general contempt to which she had exposed herself and the severe mortification she met with from time to time gave such killing wounds to her pride that after pining and wasting away with shame and vexation for the space of several months she at last broke her heart and gave up the ghost in the seventeenth year of her age after her death her contemptible soul was immediately hurried into the body of this venomous serpent where it still retains its former malice and cunning when the Brahmin had finished his story the serpent, as if she understood and resented what had been said writhed about and hissed at him as if she could have stung his eyes out we afterwards visited several other apartments and saw a young tiger, a fox, a badger, etc each of which was animated by the soul of some naughty child who very nearly resembled him in temper but as I have perhaps already carried my treatise to such a length as will tire the eyes and the patience of my little readers it is proper to bring it to a conclusion I will therefore take my leave of them for the present with observing that in one of the rooms we visited we saw a pretty little parrot in a gilt cage who was perpetually talking but did not understand the meaning of one single word he said this noisy bird, said the good Brahmin is inhabited by the soul of the late master Gabel who was remarkable for two faults he always spoke without thinking and read a great deal with so little attention that he made no further improvement in knowledge and if he had never read at all he devoured everything but digested nothing if any of my readers will happen to be of the same disposition they may survey the gilt covers of this little treatise with as much advantage as they will peruse the contents of it end of chapter 8 end of VICE in its proper shape or the wonderful and melancholy transformation of several naughty masters and misses into those contemptible animals which they most resemble in disposition by Anonymous