 Lux presents Hollywood. Lux Radio Theatre brings you Carol Lombard and Bob Hope in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Ladies and gentlemen, your producer, Mr. Cecil B. DeMille. Greetings from Hollywood, ladies and gentlemen. This evening's class will study a simple equation. Bob Hope plus Carol Lombard equals a riot. And this particular riot is called Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I've been connected with the theatre most of my life, and that's been long enough to bar me from the draft. I've seen many a bright star rise, but I've never seen more comedy stars than we have today, nor a time when they were more needed. Two top ones are here tonight, and they'll do their best to help us keep our national equilibrium by completely upsetting it for the next hour. The play is the story of a young married couple who suddenly discovered of their own amazement that they aren't legally married at all. Carol Lombard and Bob Hope carry on from there, with Carol in the same part she played in the RKO picture, and Bob Hope as her lawyer husband. Personally, I'd like to have the right to sell tickets in any courtroom where Bob pleaded a case. But we're not selling tickets tonight. Our production of Mr. and Mrs. Smith is another gesture of appreciation to Mr. and Mrs. America for the way they've supported another production of ours, Lux Toilet Soap. Of course, we've generally spoken to Mrs. America when we've talked about that, but we had no intention of slighting her husband. It just seemed that Mrs. America would be more interested. But Mr. America has some very definite ideas of his own about soap, principally on the subject of lather. His letters are practical and to the point. And where Lux Toilet Soap is concerned, we're glad to report that Mr. America agrees perfectly with Mrs. America that it's just about the best buy on the market. So here's to both of them. And here's a play for both of them. Mr. and Mrs. Smith starring Bob Hope as David Smith and Carol Lombard as Anne, his wife, with Bill Goodwin as Chuck Benson and Jack Arnold as Jeff. Curtain going up. When the David Smiths took each other for better for worse, they agreed to live by a set of rules. Rule four, subdivision A was by far the most radical. I am. And I, David, do solemnly promise that we shall never leave a room after a quarrel until such quarrel is over and has been settled to the satisfaction of. Me, Anne. And me, David. Hallelujah. In three years of married life, rule number four, subdivision A has been called into operation at least once every week. In fact, it's an operation right now. Mr. Smith, breakfast, sir. Breakfast, Mrs. Smith. Lily, what are they doing now? I don't know, but they ain't opening the door. Look through the keyhole. Well, she's under the bed clothes and he's playing cards. Still? That's what they were doing last night. They've been in three days already. How much longer are they going to keep this up? They went eight days once. Martha, he's coming toward the door. Get away from there quick. I'm way ahead of you. Yes, Anne. Oh, darling, I thought I was afraid of you. You thought I'd left without making up, huh? Oh, yes. Oh, hold me close. Closer, David. Closer. Honey, this is David, not Goliath. Say, what would you've done if I'd really gone out that door? I don't know. Leave me? Mm-hmm. Forever? Mm-hmm. For all eternity? Mm-hmm. Oh, David. As long as we live, we'll never change rule number four. Never. You know, if every married couple have it, they'd never be a divorce. They ought to put it in the married certificate. By the way, where is our marriage certificate? Oh, I'm using it for a bookmark. I don't want to lose my place in Esquire. David, remember that eight-day session? Uh-huh. And the six? There were two sixes. Two? Yeah, one Christmas week and the other after the Yale game. We got home and the football game started all over again. That was really five and a half days. We started in the afternoon. And now how about breakfast, madam? Well, kiss me first. All right, darling, breakfast. We've got respect for each other's persons. That's our big trick. Yep. Man and woman all right, but person to person, that's important in marriage, too. You know, I think we'd be friends if we were both men or women, don't you? Mm-hmm. Oh, sure. Mm-hmm. Respect for each other's individual. That's what counts in marriage. And always to tell the truth, no matter what the consequences. You know, if we told each other just one lie, we'd admit we failed, wouldn't we, David? Mm-hmm. And what would we have left? Oh, a marriage like other people's. Doubt, distrust, going on with each other because it's the easiest way. Oh, no, not for us. Not after what we've had. You know, David was all my fault. Oh, no, Anna was mine. My fault, dear. A wife should conduct herself to please her husband. That's one of the rules I'm going to make. Another one? David, what's today's date? Well, I'd better be running along, honey. The office must be loaded with... Oh, David, it's the 15th. Remember rule number seven? And I think we ought to give that one up. We always get into arguments. Well, if we ever give one up, that means we're giving up just that much of our wonderful relationship that we're letting down. You wouldn't want me to feel that, would you? Yeah, but those questions you ask every month, like what I did that trip in Paris when I graduated from college, I was only 21 and I really thought I was buying a postcard. What gave you for that? Oh, darling, I've got to get to the office. Only one question today, dear. Now I know what happens to the quiz kids when they grow up. David, tell me, if you had to do it all over again, would you have married me? Honestly, no. What? Oh, not that I'd want to marry anyone else, but a man gives up so much when he's married. Privacy and independence and Earl Carroll's... No, I think... I think if I had to do it over again, I'd stay single. Oh. Now, honey, you wanted me to tell you the truth because we have respect for each other. We talk to each other, honestly. Your feelings aren't hurt now, are they? Oh, no, it's perfectly all right, perfectly. I knew it. That's the last of those questions. They're always getting us in trouble. Well, I'm not angry in the least. Yes, you are. You don't understand what I mean. David, if you want your freedom, might I want to be the kind of a wife who clings to her husband when she's not wanted? For heaven's sakes, I do want to stay married to you. I love you. I'm crazy about you. I'm used to you. How do we get into these things anyway? Well, if my only hold on you was that you're used to me. Honey, darling, you've got the whole thing wrong. You're my little girl. I'm crazy about you. Don't cry, baby. Don't cry. Look, look. Give Dream Boy a little kiss. Oh, all right, Dream Boy. Is everything all right? Yes, Dream Boy, everything. Is this as sickening to you as it is to me? Oh, no, honey, stop. I didn't mean to stop, darling. Don't cry. Before the government builds a dam or I'll just stop, please. Say you forgive me. Say it. All right. I'll forgive you. Fine. Oh, goodbye, sweet. I'll come home early, and I mean early. Morning, Mr. Smith. Morning. Good morning, David. Oh, good morning, Jeff. It's been a long time, hasn't it? Yeah, about four band-aids ago. I was beginning to think I didn't have a partner anymore at all. Well, you know how Anne is. You have to humor in those things. Well, you don't have to apologize to me, David. I envy you from the bottom of my heart. I wish I was in your shoes. Yes, she's a good kid. Yes. Yes? There's a Mr. D. ribbon waiting to see you. He won't tell me his business. He says it's something private. Oh, send him in. Yes, sir. Well, I'll leave you to your miseries, David. Lunch at the club if you can make it. Oh, fine. I'll try, Jeff. Mr. Dever, sir. Oh, Mr. Dever, how do you do? How do you do? Oh, won't you sit down? Well, what is it? Mr. Smith, were you married in Beecham in March 1938? Well, yes, I was. Well, you know, Beecham is on the other side of the river, and it was always incorporated in Brenner County. And you see, Brenner County is in Idaho. You follow me, don't you? More or less, but to be on the safe side, maybe you'd better drop pebbles. Well, we in Beecham found out we didn't have the right to be incorporated in Brenner County because from the other side of the Bass River, well, we belong in Nevada. Well, it sounds like a good idea taking Brenner County out of Idaho leaves more room to grow potatoes. This is serious, Mr. Smith. You see, we just found out that anybody who got married between 1936 and now with an Idaho license in Nevada, well, it isn't legal. Oh, well, what do you mean, it isn't legal? I don't want you to get frightened or upset or anything. There's been a kind of a mistake. You're not legally married. What's that? You mean my wife ain't my... or I ain't? Or we... You mean I'm draft bait? Everything, but there's a little technicality. Little, he says. It's a good thing I don't have a couple of little technicalities running around the house. Go on. You're a lawyer, Mr. Smith. I know everything's perfectly all right, common law and everything, but we figured it'd be better if everybody kind of got married again just to be on the safe side. Yeah? And the Chamber of Commerce has sent me around to everybody to tell him. And we give you your $2 back and you can use it to get another license. Here's your $2, Mr. Smith. Okay, and will the Chamber of Commerce take over the payments and the ring? Well, I'll be going now, Mr. Smith. Oh, say, that picture there, is that your wife? Uh-huh. A striking woman. You can say that again, brother. See, wasn't she Annie Krausheimer? Annie Krausheimer, she lived right across from Beecham. That's how we came to be married there. Did you know her? Did I know her? I guess she's changed some, huh? Yeah, she's changed a little. She wants to chase the dog catcher half a mile with a baseball bat. Well, she hasn't changed as much as you think. Well, goodbye, Mr. Smith. Tell her I asked after her, will you? Old Harry Deaver, she remember me. Goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, hello, Miss Ames. Will you call my home, please? Ask the maid if I can please speak to Miss Annie Krausheimer. I'm sure everything's all right now, Anne. Oh, Mother, it's wonderful. David called me just a little while ago. He wants to have dinner with him tonight. Well, that sounds good. And do you know where, Mother? With Mama Lucy's. You know, I didn't think he even remembered the name of the place. Why, we haven't been there since before we were married. That sounds even better. Oh, don't worry, Mother. You know what, all the time we was talking to me on the telephone, he kept calling me Miss Krausheimer. Mrs. Smith. Yes, Lily. Mr. Harry Deaver is here. He says you remember him from across the river in Beecham. Oh, Harry Deaver. Bertha Deaver's brother. We'll show him in later. Yes, ma'am. Come in, please, sir. Hello, Harry Deaver. This is quite a surprise. Hello, Annie. Hello, Mrs. Krausheimer. Hello. I didn't know where you'd remember me. What are you doing in New York? I'm here on business. How's your wife, Harry? She's fine, thanks. How's Bertha? Oh, she's fine, too. Married to a dairy farmer and boysy. Got four children. All girls. Got four cows. All girls, too. Well, sit down, won't you? Will you have some tea? No, thanks. Only dropped in for a second. Annie, you haven't changed a bit. I'd recognize you in a minute. Bye, Harry. That's the nicest thing you could have said to me. Say, I did recognize you. Only saw your picture on your husband's desk and recognized you right off. Hmm? He's a good-looking fella. What were you doing with my husband? Well, here's the way it is. You see, Beecham is on the other side of the river, and it was always incorporated in Brenner County. Well, Brenner County is... And Mrs. Horrible. Not married. So that's why he called me Ms. Krausheim. Oh, it's nothing, Annie. You'll just get married again. I should hope so. Well, now, Mother, don't get excited. Harry's right. The whole thing's very simple. David will marry me all over again. And suppose he doesn't? Well, he'll have to. If he doesn't, I'll get a divorce. That's what I'll do. You can't get a divorce from a man you're not even engaged to. Well, Mother, stop confusing me. It's all right, I tell you why. I always ask him if he'd do it again. I say, David, if you had to do it all over again, would you marry me? Well, just this morning, he said to me... He said... He said, oh... Holy mackerel, I'm a bachelor girl. You're looking kind of cute tonight. Oh, thank you, David. Thanks for the lovely roses you sent me. Well, I always send you roses. Yes, but these had stems on them. Oh, I just can't wait to see Mama Lucy. Oh, dear old Mama Lucy. Do you think we'll get the same table? Sure, it's early. Oh, it'll be covered with a checkered tablecloth and there'll be a candle in an old Chianti bottle. Yeah, just an old Chianti bottle in an old Chianti town. And rows of the fortune teller. You know I even love the smell about the place. Place, isn't it? Uh-huh. Either our noses have changed or there's a livery stable around. Well, it's not exactly Chanel number five. Well, let's go in. This place has changed a little. It looks sort of empty, doesn't it? Oh, hello, Cat. I don't remember you. You want something? Yeah, is Mama Lucy here? I'm Mama Lucy. Well, you've changed a little, too. She left. I don't know where. Oh, well, wait a minute. We'd like to eat here. You want to eat here? Unless you've got some objection. I've got no objection. If you've got no objection, how would you like to sit? Well, we used to come here years ago and there were tables outside. Would it be too much trouble to have it the way it used to be? Are you going to have the 45 cent or the 65 cent dinner? What's the difference? With the 65 cent dinner, you get back your own hat and coat. Sure. If it don't fit me. The tablecloth isn't checkered, but it's dirty enough to look like checkered. The candle isn't the same stuck in a beer bottle. It smells. Well, eat your soup, dear. That smells, too. Say, there's something wrong with this soup. It's just your imagination. There's nothing wrong with the soup. No, then why are the noodles spelling out S-O-S? Here, Pussy. You eat some soup. Go ahead. David, get that cat off the table. I can't. I think it's his table. Look, he won't eat it. Why doesn't the cat eat the soup? Animals know what's good for them. You notice he ate up the olives. Well, why did you give them to him? I wanted to see how many he'd eat before he'd ask for a martini. David, eat your soup, please. Oh, that cat knows something. Look at him. He's scared. A black lentil just crossed his path. But where should we go after this? Home. Here, Puss. Here. Come on, Stoop. Soup. Did you say home, David? Well, aren't we supposed to go someplace before we go home? Well, altogether, it'll make it too late. So, you know, I'd give $5 to see that cat take a sip of that soup. Here, Puss. Come on, soup. David, listen. Yes, hon? Tell me what you do a day in the office. You know, just a simple day like today. From the minute you came in until you went home, what happened? Oh, nothing. Just a lot of schmooze. It's dollars' dishwater. No, it isn't. I'm very interested. What sort of things come up in a day? Who did you see? Please try and remember. Well, it was a fellow... Oh, look. The cat's going to eat the soup. No, he isn't. He's turning away. Doesn't that mean something? I want a stomach pump. Nice cat, huh? Yeah. I'm unlucky with cats here. The third cat this week. Say, are you Mrs. Smith? Yes. How did you know? Your mother's in the kitchen. On the phone. Oh. Must be about our Red Cross group. I'll be right back, David. Hello, Mother. Hello, Anne. Has he told you? Well, not exactly. Well, he's teasing me. He thinks he's being romantic about it. Oh. Mother, are you crying? Oh, I'm sorry. Under no conditions are you doing... Why, of course not, Mother. Don't worry. If worse comes to worse, I'll spend the night with you. Well, don't forget. Yes, Mother. Yeah, your ears look tired. You know, honey, I've got a little secret to tell you. Oh, David, it's about time. What is it, dear? You're a great kid. Is that all? Hmm? Darling, it's getting rather late if we have to go any place, if you know what I mean. Oh, I get it. Waiter, check. Champagne, keep twirling it, honey. Get it good and cold. David, why are we drinking champagne? Well, you like champagne, don't you? Here, let me do it. David, wait. I... I didn't think we were coming home so soon. No? Get the glasses, huh? Glasses? Sure. You don't want to drink out of a bottle, do you? David, you... Stop twirling that bottle. Hey, look out! What's the matter with you? You beast! We're not legally married. You were never going to tell me. I was going to tell you, honey. I was going to tell you later. Later? Oh, there's no need taking on like this. We're going to wait until we have another fight in the... And that dress, you're shaped more like an avocado. Because of my life and you were willing to go on and on. I've always had a suspicion about you. So did my mother. Your forehead slants back too much. Well, at least I've got a forehead. Anne. Don't you touch... Oh, now listen, Anne. You get out of here. Get out. Go on, go on. You're not staying in this apartment. Honey, we can't leave the bedroom until we've made up. You're not in the bedroom. Get out. If you let me explain, Anne, stop pushing. You're going out of here. Take your coat. Annie. And here's your hat. Annie, let go. Stop. I'll never come back here. I never want to see you again as long as I... Annie, either let me in or throw out my fingers. In just a moment, Mr. DeMille and our stars Bob Hope and Carol Lombard will bring us act two of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Well, here's Sally. She seems a little out of breath. And so would you be, Mr. Ruick, if you'd been in the path of a young whirlwind for the last few days. Why, Sally, you're just a young thing yourself. Who is this tornado that's got you down? My little cousin, Susie. She's just 17, just out of school, and she's been visiting us. She's cute as a kitten's ear and as chic popular. We thought some of having an extra phone put in just for the overflow messages. Sounds kind of like a luxe girl to me, Sally. Listen to this, Mr. Ruick. The night Susie arrived, she was freshening up before dinner. First thing she did was to unwrap a cake of luxe soap and start right in to tell me, imagine me, how to take an active lather facial. Mm, took the words right out of your mouth, Sally. Susie says most of the girls at her school are luxe soap fans. They're pretty smart, those young things. Sue said they find these luxe soap facials are really swell, so they make a point of using them regularly. She said to me very seriously, you know, Sally, if a girl wants lots of dates, she's just got to have a nice skin. Well, your pretty little cousin has said something there, Sally. It's certainly true that men do respond to the charm of a soft, smooth skin. It makes a woman attractive at any age. Here in Hollywood, screen stars, nine out of ten of them, use luxe toilet soap regularly, because this gentle soap is such a wonderful help in keeping complexions lovely. Well, Sally, how about telling the ladies in our audience how easy and quick it is to take a luxe soap active lather facial? With pleasure, Mr. Ruick. First you smooth the luxe soap lather lightly in. You'll love the way this rich, velvety smooth lather caresses your skin. Next rinse with warm water followed by a dash of cool. Then pat the face dry with a soft towel. That's all, yet you'll find luxe soap's active lather has removed every trace of dust and dirt and stale cosmetics from your skin. Left it feeling smoother and softer, looking so fresh. Try these luxe soap facials every day for 30 days, see if you don't find them a wonderful beauty aid. Thanks, Sally, and I'd like to add one word more. Remember, it just isn't possible to buy a finer toilet soap than this beauty soap of the stars. Yet luxe toilet soap costs but a few cents a cake. Why not get three cakes of this fine white soap tomorrow? Now, our producer, Mr. DeMille. Act two of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, starring Carol Lombard as Anne and Bob Hope as David with Bill Goodwin as Chuck Benson. Bag and baggage, David Smith has been tossed into the street by his own wife, who now considers herself as Annie Krauseheimer, homeless and weary. David wanders into his club downtown. In the steam room, he sits wrapped in a towel staring into the clouds of mist. Through the fog comes another half-draith torso, Chuck Benson. Hiya, Dave. How goes it? Haven't seen you around the club in months. Oh, hello. Benson, Chuck Benson. Don't you remember me? We were in the golf forceman last year's tournament. Oh, yes. How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I think in my arm. I think the steam ought to fix it. Yeah. I had a fight with my wife, too. Oh, it wasn't exactly a fight. We were drinking champagne and it went to my head. Bottle and all. Yes, you're a same old story, but you know what I don't understand. Whenever two people have a fight, the woman goes home to her mother. Well, every time my wife and I have a fight, I have to get out of the house. How do you get back? Oh, it's the simplest thing in the world. Ignore it. Ignore the whole thing. Next day they're glad to see you. I know, brother. I've had experience. Hey, you're right. Yeah, I'll just go to the office. I won't even call her. She gets worried. Why don't I show up in the morning? By the time I get home tomorrow night? Oh, thanks, Chuck. You're a pal. Hello, darling. What do you want? Now listen, Ann. Miss Krausheimer to you. Oh! Please. Okay. Hello. Oh, well, good morning, Mr. Smith. Is this your cab? No, I was crossing the street and the lights changed. Say, Ann, are you going to stop this silly farce or aren't you? I've got all the work piled up in the office. You let me come home. I'm willing not to discuss this anymore. Well, that's very generous of you, but I won't be thrown crumbs by a crumb. Now listen, you're my wife. Oh, no, we're not legally married, Ducky. Well, then we're going to be legally married. Sorry, I have time. I'm learning the words to the hutsets all. Are you out of your mind? Why think of my reputation? Well, why the laugh? Oh, I thought of your reputation. Well, you were not married. Oh, for all right, we'll get married. Does that suit you? We'll get married. That's a nice snarling proposal. Listen, you had a hard enough job getting me to marry before, and I didn't know you then, but I do now and how I know you. If anyone asks you, you're no bargain. Well, what's the matter with me? Am I a cheapskate? Am I a doper, fathead, a rat? Well, keep mentioning them. You're getting what? Name one thing about me you don't like. One thing? Why aren't we vain? In the first place, I wish you'd go on a diet and get a little thinner. Well, what for? Well, I'd like my girdle back. Indian giver. Your hair that smells up my whole bedroom. Well, I'm only trying to keep my hair for you and you're a fine one to talk. Go into bed with a head full of aluminum clips. Every time I woke up, I expected to find the government that turned you into an airplane. Anymore, dearie. Well, I'm not going to stand for this, and that's my last word on it. Well, it's nice to have met you. All right, I'm not going to support you. How do you like that? Fine. I'm serious. I'm not going to give you any money. Fine. Never like asking you for money anyway. It was embarrassing watching you take off your shoe. You keep... Right here, driver. I want you to know I'm doing this reluctantly. Well, that suits me. Keep the change. Thanks, lady. You're not very practical. How do you think you're going to live? And you're old lady. How is she going to live? Look, Mr. Smith, you see that department store? Well, since yesterday morning, I've been employed in good standing, and they're going to pay me every Saturday. Goodbye, Mr. Smith. Oh, wait. Listen, Anne. Good morning, sir. Are you looking for something? Oh, yes, I am. Can I help you, sir? Yes, she's about five feet... No, I'll find it myself. I might be able to save you a lot of trouble. I'm very well acquainted with the merchandise. Oh, thanks. But I'd rather find it myself. You just run along and water your carnation. You're embarrassed. Is it something in Lady's lingerie? Yes, it's something in Lady's lingerie. Well, you go right down the aisle. Don't tell me it's a game I'm playing. Oh, it's perfect. Don't write something perfectly, sir. Oh, there you are. Good morning. Anything I can do for you? Anne, are you crazy standing all day in your feet for $18 a week? Will you please do me a favor and come home? I've got a cake in the oven. I'm sorry, sir. I think you have the wrong department. We have nothing here for you. Are you walking out of here peacefully or do I have to carry it? The manager's looking. Can I show you something else, sir? All right, I'll carry you. Here. All right, I'll drag you. Get away from me. You're coming home. You're nothing but a silly little... Let go! Let go! Krausheimer, what are you doing? You're the customer. I'm not... I'm sorry, sir, but I'll have to ask you to release our sales clerk. You want to try to make me release her? Well, if you're not pleased with this clerk, I'll be happy to get you another. I'm pleased with her, and she's no clerk. She's my wife. Your wife? I am not. Miss Krausheimer, we understood you were a single woman. As an aide to the unemployment situation, it is our policy not to employ married women. Good idea. I am not married. She's married all right. Did you ever see a single woman that could fight like this? Come on. Well, we'll have to take this up with the head of the department. No, we don't this way. Let me alone! This is a showcase. Be careful. You hurt. No, but this is the first time I ever wore a corset for a hat. No, detectives! Don't come back in this store again. That goes for the both of you. Well, I'm fine. Are you satisfied now? Listen, I have an appointment in the office at 2 o'clock. Are you going to make up with me? No, I'm not going to make up with you ever. For heaven's sakes, Anne, what do you want? I had a chance to get out of our marriage, didn't I? But now I want to get back. Doesn't that convince you I still want to be married to you? I'm very flattered, but I don't want to marry you. But the whole thing over and I'm not interested. Well, what's the matter with me? Well, I don't like your temper. You're too jealous. You're always knocking people down. Oh, now, wait. If you're referring to last New Year's Eve, that midget had no right to... Move along there. Move along. Just a minute, officer. Don't worry what I said. Move along. You're blocking traffic. Why don't you go someplace and steal an apple? Go on. Hit him. Why don't you knock him down? Go on. Madam, I wouldn't advise your friend to hit a cop in this town. But I'm on your side, officer. I don't even know this man. Oh, you don't? She does so she's married to me illegally. Somebody go visit Columbus Circle. Listen, you win before I run you and beat it. Hopefully. I postponed the Amanda case for you, David. And I set back the Duffy hearing. Oh, that's fine. Just fine, Jeff. Thanks. David, I'd like to ask you to do something. Oh, well, what is it? Anything you want, you know? Well, I'd like you to drop in at your own home tonight after dinner. Oh, what do you mean? Well, I've taken matter in my own hands. I've asked Anne to have me to dinner. She's fond of me and she knows I'm fond of her. And, well, I think I can straighten it out. I hope it is something I can straighten out. Oh, I certainly it was nothing. One of those little domestic squabbles. It was really nothing. I imagined it was that. Why, you're too fine to do anything, Shoddy. Oh, thanks, Jeff. I want you to just drop in unannounced at about, shall we say, nine o'clock? Oh, Jeff, I can't speak. It's just like my Adam's apple had four sons. Well, that's all right, David. Jeff, you're the best friend the man ever had. We've been closer together than Gene Autry and his guitar. Well, we're partners, David. You're the best law partner a man ever had. We were school chums. And you were the best fullback Alabama ever had. I always said Hinkel was a greater back, but I was wrong. Hinkel couldn't touch you. Thanks, David. Thanks. Oh, thanks. Mr. Smith, madam. Hello, David. Oh, hello, Jeff. Oh, hello, Anne. How are you, dear? Talk to my lawyer. Your lawyer? What lawyer? Anne's asked me to represent her in this matter, David. Well, what for? I've been telling her she doesn't need a lawyer. Oh, well, I'll say she doesn't. Because as I understand the facts, you two aren't legally married at all. There you are. What? So there's nothing for the court to decide. This happened before in Peterson versus Peterson, and Jeff says he's in the Supreme Court threw it out. Jeff, what's the matter with you? You said... He said you were lucky this isn't the South and that I'm not his sister. What? Now, David... Why, you hillbilly ambulance chaser? You blackstone blackguard. Wait till the bar association hears about this. If I open the window, they will. There's no need losing our temper. We're married if not legally then morally, and there is such a thing as common law, you know. I don't deny there's a kind of common law relationship between you. Thank you. Tell him the whole thing, Jeff. However, the woman is given the benefit of any difficulties arising out of such a relationship. For instance, should you die as a wife, she is entitled to share in the husband's estate. Well, why should she wait? I'll give her one room of furniture and my pivot tooth now. Furthermore, should the woman care to halt this relationship and marry someone else, she is entitled to do so. Peterson versus Peterson, Adams versus Kelly, and Gimbal versus New Pennsylvania Coal Company. I didn't know they were going together. You're supposed... You're supposed to be my best friend, and you tell her a thing like that? David, I have never taken advantage of our friendship by word or deed. And it's only because you're standing here that I can now ask Anne... Anne, would you care to have dinner with me tomorrow night? Where, Jeff? And don't go with him. Come to dinner with me. I'll spare no expense. You can name your own drive-in. Where shall we go, Jeff? Anne, I'm asking you to come to your senses and marry me tomorrow. If you have dinner with him tomorrow instead, well, this is final. We're through. What time, Jeff? All right, we're through, Anne. From now on, we're just friends, just ships that pass in the night. And if Jeff is ever with you, make sure he's convoyed. That's not necessary. The store club, all right, Jeff? Anywhere you say. I'll call for you at eight. That'll be fine. Good night. Good night. Good night, Anne. Good night. Well, David, comparing yourself with Hinkle as a football player, you couldn't carry Hinkle's water bucket. Sorry you feel that way, old man. Good night. On second thought, maybe you could, you two-quart drip. Elevator boy, ma'am. Sure enough. Sure enough, elevator boy. Fools, huh? Yeah, but the boy's name is O'Brien. Oh! My nose! My nose! What's the matter? You hit my nose with a door. So I did. It's bleeding, too. Good night. I'll tell you, when a man comes to the club for one night, that's nothing. When he comes back all week, that's trouble. Go ahead, Dave. Take another drink. Hey, Benson, are you sure this is good for nosebleed? Oh, best thing. I always use it, but then I don't know. I use it for everything. Oh, that reminds me. I got to make a call. I'm kind of a dummy, you know? The worst thing I could do is chase her. I don't have a week or 10 days without me. After 10 days with her mother, even I'll look good. She's used to me. She can never even get to sleep until I get home. I'm just her big box of ovaltine. Hello, Gloria. Well, hiya, Gloria. Oh, yeah, and I'm kissing you back. Huh? Jimmy? This is no Jimmy. This is Jackie. Wonderful girl, Dave. Society girl. Real class. Say, Gloria, how about tomorrow night? At a girl. Listen, I got a friend. How about Gertrude? Oh, you like Gertrude, Dave. Me? Gertrude? Oh, this is a great fellow, Gloria. Society fellow, real class. Put Gertrude on. Hey, I don't think I better... Now, don't be a sap. She's beautiful. Hello, Gertrude. Listen, I got you a great little dinner partner for tomorrow night, but he kind of needs cheering up, you know what I mean? Okay. Here, she wants to talk to you, Dave. Oh, me? Well... Hello, Gertrude. Hey, she's kissing at me. Kiss her back. Well, I don't know her. Oh, it's all for laughs. She's a great kid. Oh, well... Huh? Well, how can you tell you're crazy about me? Oh, it's just an average voice. Yes, I used to sing a little. Give me the phone. What did I tell you, Gertrude, huh? Great fellow, huh? Eight o'clock? Where shall we make it, Dave? A store club. How about the store club? Okay. Goodbye. Oh, will you see them, Dave? They're terrific. Real society girls. You know, she said she liked my voice. Are you looking for someone? Yeah, the Chuck Benson party. Yes, sir, they're expecting you right this way. Hey, hey, David, my boy. Hey, Chuck! Well, here he is, girls, in the flesh. How ya, Dave? Chuck, girls, I want you to meet Dave. Dave, this is a girl. Hello, big boy. How ya, turts, wasp and keepin' ya. Sit down and park the body. Chuck, is this, I mean, are these... Why, sure, this is the young lady who liked your voice, Dave. Young lady? You can get six to one in the winter book. She doesn't finish out the winter. Hey, oh, Dave and Gertie Schultz. Gertie's for you, Dave. Oh, thanks. Come on, tall, dark and ski nose. Sit down, slap on the feedbag. Well, look, isn't this a little crowded? I mean, can't we go to some quieter place where it's darker? Hold it, Cookie, we're eatin' first. Have you ever been here? Often, that's why I want to go to a dark place. I don't get it. Well, food doesn't agree with my stomach, so I get even on it. I don't let it see what I'm eating. Oh, you got an upset stomach, huh? I wonder what could have done it. Are you kiddin'? You can leave it, will you? Yes, madam. Some kid, huh, Dave? Let him talk for himself. Well, why don't you say something? Well, I'm trying to find a way to clean it up. You began to eat this menu. Yeah, it's been all in French. Just puttin' on the dog for the fancy prices. Look, oafs, that's eggs. What's that? Oafs, it's eggs. No kid and I was here once before. Say, it's awfully hot in here, Chuck. I know a place that's cool. Don't rush it. We're stuck for the cover charge anyway. Now take it easy, Dave. Isn't that David over there? Where am? Oh, oh yes, yes it is. Who's he with? Is that girl a client of yours? No, I never saw her before. Cute, isn't she? A little muscular, but cute. Say, he knew we were coming here. He's just trying to make you jealous. See, he's looking this way now. Well, just ignore him. Laugh, Jeff. What? Well, laugh, laugh. Make him think we're having a good time. Oh, Jeff, you're wonderful. I just adore the things you say. Trying to make me jealous, is he? Oh, with that lady wrestler he's got with him. I'd like to tell him what I think of him. But I thought you were going to ignore him. I am. As a matter of fact, I'm going over there and ignoring him with a large plate. Come back. Excuse me, I've got to leave. Oh, sit down, Dave. Sit down. Sure, sit down. I can't. Look, my nose. My nose is bleeding. I have to go home. Get out. Take it easy, Dave. I've got a cure for nosebleed. Lay him out on the table. Oh, no. Yeah, on the table, Dave. No, stop it. I've got a picture, Dave. Now, lay down. Oh, listen. What's the matter here? Some can't get punched in the nose. Oh, let me out of here. Hello, Dave. Oh, it's all a mistake. You see, this girl... Oh, yes, I think she's rather pretty. Is that her own hair or has somebody been unraveling a cigar? Sister, who do you think you are? Oh, listen, she's my... I know what she is. Trying to move in on my guy, huh? Go on. Beating over. Oh. Here you are, honey. This cold knife will fix you up. Yeah, just cut my throat with it. Broadcasting system. After a brief intermission, Mr. DeMille presents Bob Hope and Carol Lombard in Act 3 of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. And now, while we're waiting, let's listen in on a typical late afternoon scene at the Joneses. Playing with that horrible thing. Let Mommy give you your bath. Mary Lou, give Mommy that pointy gig this instant. Now, this and this, please. Oh, no, Mommy has to have time for her beauty bath, too. A warm bath with a nice, fresh cake of luck soap. Oh, goodness, this feels good, all this creamy, active leather. It feels a sort of soothing some way. And, oh, but it leaves such a wonderful fragrance on my skin. There's certainly nothing like a luck soap beauty bath to make me feel like new, even after such a hectic day as this. Now, a good rub down, clean things, and I'll be fresh as a daisy. Here's all dressed up and looking mighty sweet, too. Well, looks like I'll have to have a kiss right now. Darling. Clever woman, Mrs. Jones. Far too clever to let her husband find her after his hard day. Worn, cross, and disheveled. She knows she can depend on luck's toilet soap's creamy, active leather to carry away perspiration every trace of dust and dirt. Make her sure of perfect daintiness, the charm that men adore. Leave her skin delicately perfumed, too, with a fragrance that cleans. Why don't you adopt this delightful way to make sure of daintiness, of skin that's sweet. A daily luck's toilet soap beauty bath is a luxury that you'll enjoy. An inexpensive luxury, for luck's toilet soap costs only a few cents, especially if you buy three cakes at a time, the economical way. Get three cakes tomorrow. Now, Mr. DeMille returns to the microphone. The curtain rises on the third act of Mr. and Mrs. Smith. For a solid week, David has been following Anne. By night, by day, by taxicab, by ferry boat, he's trailed her jealously. And now the trail is led of all places to David's office. Good afternoon, Mr. Smith. Hello. Where's my wife? Well, she... She came up here. I saw her. Where is she in my office? No, sir. She's in Mr. Custer's office. Mr. Custer's parents just arrived from the south. They surprised him. You mean they're in there now? Yes, sir. Thanks. That's very fine. Oh, hello, David. Hello, Jeff. Excuse me, just a minute, folks. Jeff, what are we going to do about poor old Conley? His case is coming up soon. Why, you must be David Smith. Jefferson's partner. Folks, this is David Smith. My parents, David. Oh, how do you do? How do you do? I'm happy to know you. Pleasure's all ours. And, dear, this is Mr. Smith, Jefferson's partner, Miss Anne Crossheimer, Mr. Smith. We met some time ago. Yes, we used to be roommates. Sit right down, my boy. Sit right down. We'll get acquainted at once. You know, Mr. Smith's mother and I just met Anne. And we find out now that she and Jeff are both mighty sweet on each other. Especially. Well, David probably knows it better than we do, don't you, David? Well, if it wasn't for me, they'd never even gotten together. I played Cupid. Caught Cole doing it. Oh, that's so romantic. Any of your family from the south, Miss Crossheimer? Well, no, not exactly. But in the Civil War, I had a relative in the north who didn't fight at all. He was a slacker. A great many northerners saw it that way, ma'am, and I gave them credit. You know what I was thinking? What, Mrs. Custer? If two people wanted to go on a honeymoon, they could take the boat to New Orleans and motor right out through the south to our home. Boats are a wonderful place for two people. Oh, that wouldn't be so good for Anne. What a dear. Remember how sick you got when we took the night boat to Albany? Shut up. No, she's not a very good sailor, Jeff, and I can give you some practical advice. Just put her to bed and put a hot water bottle on her stomach and hold it there no matter how she hollers. That settles her stomach. He considers himself quite a medical authority. Yes. How do you like New York, Mrs. Custer? Oh, all right for a visit, but I wouldn't want to live here. Anyway, we're not staying here. We're on our way to Lake Placid. Oh, great idea. I was thinking of getting away for some winter sports myself. That reminds me, Anne, shouldn't my laundry be back? I'm all out of shorts. Are you? Yes, and lately I've been caught in the draft. Anne kind of took care of these things around the house. Little household things. Jefferson, may I see you in private, please? Come, Mother. Jeff, dear. Coming, Mother. I'll be right back, Anne. Excuse me. No, listen, Dad. If you listen to me, I know there's something I have to tell you. Hello. Are you satisfied now? Are you satisfied to take two fine people like that whose whole life are wrapped up in their son and make them unhappy? Well, what about me being unhappy? My whole life was wrapped up in you, then you, the paper, and the string all walk out on me. All you ever think about is yourself. I can see, I can't see how you could have been associated with Jeff so long and not have picked up some of his fine qualities. What's fine about them? Well, he's simple and kind and gentle. You can leave out those last two words. And since when were you so crazy about this gentle act? Shall I recall for you how I got the scar on my chin with a bed lamp? Now listen, Anne. I'm sorry, David, but you're wasting your time. Anne, you can't marry that lawyer not after what we've meant to each other. I'm going to marry him. If you try to interfere again, I'll... Anne. Oh, Jeff, is it all right? No, no, not yet, but it will be. We're going to meet them at Lake Placid. Oh, Jeff. Now, don't worry. Don't worry. And as for you, David, you're not playing the game, old man. I resent that I am playing the game, old man. Of course I'm using loaded dice. Their cabins are right over here, sir. Which is Miss Krausheimer's cabin? Number 10, sir, there. Number nine is Mr. and Mrs. Custer. And number eight is Mr. Jefferson Custer. It's pretty far from the main lodge out here, but it's nice and quiet. Now, can I show you the other cabin? No thanks. That's all. I'll wait for Miss Krausheimer. Yes, sir. But I think everybody's out skiing, sir, and... Ah, fine. Go ahead, son. I'll wait for them right here. Uh, Mr. Smith, you're not going to sit down in the snow. Why not? I like to sit in the snow. My whole family sat in the snow. Your whole family? Well, my brother was a midget. He sat on ice cubes. Go away, will you? This is a free country, isn't it? If I want to sit in the snow, let me sit in the snow. I'm a penguin, so what? Go on, beat it. Yes, sir. Yes, sir. It was glorious. The snow smells so wonderful. Oh, no one can smell snow, Anne. I can. Jeff, who's that? Where? Well, someone's lying there in the snow. Oh, he seems to be sick. Jeff, it's David. He must have fainted. Stand back, dear. He seems to have quite an even pulse. Oh. Well, don't let him so fair. Carry him into your cabin. All right. Grab his legs, Anne. Oh, I got him. Well, go easy now. It's not easy. Right. What could have happened to him? Oh, look out for his head. Yes. Poor David. He'll be all right now. Don't worry. Well, he doesn't seem to be breathing. Anne, control yourself. Put him on the bed. Lift now. One, two, three. Look at him. He's blue with cold. He's breathing fine now. I think a few hours sleep will bring him around. Do you really think so? Sure. Come on now, old man. Wake up, old man. We'll go away the first two weeks in December. What did he say? I don't know. The first two weeks in December. What's he mean? Oh, we were coming up here the first two weeks in December. Oh, you'll be crazy about it, Anne. Two weeks in the snow. We'll have a lot of fun. Look out, Anne. Don't fall now. Oh, he thinks we're skiing. You're very graceful, Anne. Don't go so fast next time. I don't want you to get hurt. Isn't that terrible? Watch out for the tree. Watch out. Jeff. Jeff, look. He's opening his eyes. Hello. Hello, David. Hello, old man. Hello, Anne. No, no, no. No, David. This is Jeff. I'm Anne. David here. Oh, hello, Jeff. Don't you think Anne needs a shave? Hey, he's in bad shape. David, don't you remember me? Try and think, David. This is Anne, Annie. This is Jeff. You're old school child. I'm Jefferson. Jefferson. I'll never forget you in that little blue dress. I don't get it. Well, that's the dress I was wearing when I met him. I told you about him. He liked me in that. Look, he's closing his eyes again. I think we ought to let him rest. What's the matter? That's not the rattle, is it? I don't think so. I wish I could hear it again. No, he's just clearing his throat. Oh, he looks awful. Oh, David, David. Easy now, Anne. Let him sleep a few hours. Well, do you think we ought to leave him? Oh, he'll be all right. Come on outside. I want to talk to you. Anne. Yes, Jeff? Anne, a woman can't control herself entirely by her head. You've had three years with David, and whether you realize it or not, there's a bond between you that's not easily broken. Well, people get divorced. Jeff, I'm worried about... It's true that I think you'd be better off with me, but, well, I'll tell you what I'd like you to do. Take back your promise to marry me and think about it for a few days. Jeff, I don't think a person ever existed as fine and generous as you are. Don't you think we ought to see how David's getting along? We'll only wake him. Well, I'll see if he's still asleep. I'll look through the window. Well, why the... What's the matter? Look at him. He's sitting up here. He's a faker. I'll kill him for this. Easy, Anne. Easy. Well, let me in. Anne. You wait out here. I want to take care of this alone. Wait a minute. He's lying down again. Acting, acting. I'll show him some action. And don't bother with him. Let me alone. I'll be right back. David, you're so sick, aren't you? David, please look at me. I'm so sorry for everything, darling. I've treated you horribly. Your poor face is so thin and worn. Your chin. I did that. I picked up a bed lamp and I hit you with it. Like this! Oh, no! I had you cut. What's the matter with you? You've been found out, you beast. I should have known it was all too convenient you're being up here. Look here, Anne. A big sympathy act coming up here and pretending you're on a bat. I love you, Anne. Listen to me, David. You pick up and get out of here. I don't ever want to lay eyes on you again. You're just making a nuisance of yourself. Oh, am I? Yes, and get your hands off me. Anne, I don't care what you say. I tell you you're in love with me. I tell you you're crazy. Anne, I'm not going to give up to the last minute. This is the last minute. You're mine and you belong to me. You couldn't have anything to do with that pile of fried chicken out there. Well, that's what you think. He's twice the man you'll ever be, and we're going to get married. Okay. If that's the way you want it, I won't stand in your way. I've done all I can. But now I'm through. I'm all washed up. Go ahead. Marry the guy, and I hope you'll be very, very unhappy. Thank you. There's only one thing I'd like to say to you before I leave. You're a spoiled, selfish brat, and I'd like to take you across my knee and give you what you deserve. Ha! I should have done it years ago. You just tried. Maybe if I had you'd know how to behave. Get away from me. Put that lamp down. Make me. All right, I'll make you. Let me go. Put me down. Put me down to your ear. I'll teach you, young lady. Jeff! Jeff, he was going to choke me. He was. Come on, Jeff. Join the fun. Here, you take a lamp, too, Jeff. I don't need a lamp. You'd better take it, because I'm thinking of taking one. I forgive you, David. I forgive you for everything. Jeff, you're not going to hit him? No, Anne. I've always thought that violence shows a lack of character. You mean you're not going to do anything to him? Would you respect me more if I knocked him down? What are you, big blubber? What up with the woman and let someone not be ashamed? Hello, Dad. Did you have a nice day, Jeff? You call yourself a man. Hello, Mother. You're nothing but a coward. What's this? You and your fancy ideas. Jeff, dear. That's what you are, a coward. Why, he's only half your size. I bet. Anne, do you realize you're raising your voice? Certainly, I'm raising my voice. Go on. I've been married to her. She starts at that pitch. I never saw you acting like this. I thought you were a gentle type of girl. Very gentle. All you have to do is hold her off with a whip and a chair. Jefferson, I forbid you to marry this woman. You forbid him to marry me? No, Anne. Listen to me, you stuff-shirt. Even a mouse has enough back boot to fight some time. You know, taking your hat off in an elevator doesn't make you a man. You can teach a monkey to do that. And I'll take a monkey any day whether he's a dipsominiac or beats his wife in a lump of well-bred jelly. Add a girl. But I'm not taking you, brother. Hello. Did you hear me? What are you doing with those skis? I'm going skiing. At this time of night, don't be silly. You haven't even got a rear light. Take them off. They're on and they're staying on. I'm spending the night at the lodge. Oh, that's ridiculous. Why don't you spend the night here? Not on your life, brother. Would you mind handing me that sweater, please? I would. Get it yourself. I can't. I've got my skis on. Well, then get a ball of wool and start knitting one. Okay, I'll get it. Very graceful. You look like a stork that just came in for a forest landing. Good night. You're not doing me any favor staying here. I'd just soon you'd get out. Well, we see eye to eye. Wait a minute. You can't ski with your strap loose. I'll fasten it for you. Get away. Don't be silly. I'm just going to help you get out. Here, sit down. That's right. Now just a minute. Now put your feet up here. Good. Well, listen, I can't sit with my feet up in the air. Why? I think you look very comfortable. David Smith, let me up out of here. Can't you move? Of course I can't. My ski's across. Get me up out of this chair. Troublesome things, those skis. Are you sure you just can't get up by yourself? I just told you. Fine. Then we can talk a while. David Smith, I'm warning you. In the first place, I ought to tell you that you were still married. Mind if I take off my tie? Now listen. Gimbal versus the New Pennsylvania cold company doesn't hold in this case since we're concerned chiefly with the Idaho and Nevada statues. So you see, I'll hang my shirt over here. Let me up. So you see, you're still my lawful wife. I looked up all this legal tangle and that mandiver was all wrong. Our marriage was and is perfectly legal. Now. I'm warning you. I'll kill you in cold blood. Someday when your back is turned, I'll stab you. Let me up. I'll scream. I'll scream. I'll tell you. Go on. Scream. See what good it does you. Dad, how do you like that? Couldn't get away, see? My ski fell off. Well? Well, David, put it on again. And this is your delightful evening in the Lux Radio Theater. And here they are, Carol Lombard and Bob Hope. Oh, thank you, CB. And Carol, would you mind giving me an autographed picture to take home? I want to prove to the gang in my program that I really wasn't a play with you. Oh, glad to, Bob. How do you want it inscribed? Oh, just something simple, like to the finest actor in Hollywood. Oh, I thought it was for you. Do you really think you're Hollywood's greatest actor, Bob? Well, I'd rather not answer that, Mrs. Gable. Say, that reminds me. That reminds me about the road to Zanzibar. What reminds you? Oh, anything at all, CB. I've got a great idea. Would you like to hear some of the best parts of the road to Zanzibar? Bob, I've seen the picture. Well, then, would you care to reminisce? Bob, I haven't seen the road to Zanzibar yet. Tell me, how is it? How is the road to Zanzibar? Yes. You know, I've always dreamed about moments like this. Well, I really had a swell time here, CB. And I'd like to have both you and Carol come over to my program and try the Pepsi. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Remember what I told you, Bob. This is the Lux Radio Theater. Oh, but couldn't I just say... But while you two are playing tag, I'd like to say just a word about Lux soap. I've used it for years, and I think it's grand. It's such a gentle complexion care and really a wonderful help in keeping skin smooth. Now, I may have told your audience this before, Mr. DeMille, but I haven't changed my mind one bit about Lux soap. And you never will, Carol. Lux soap keeps its friends for life. Ah, well, now before you tell us about next week's show, CB, couldn't I get in one quick mention of Pepsi? No, Bob, Bob. But, CB, my sponsor's listening. Well, what about it? Well, if I don't mention the product, he starts playing yo-yo with my option. So, all I'm asking is just to say Pepsi... Yeah, yeah, yes, Bob, yes, yes, I understand, I understand. And next week in the Lux Radio Theater, we go Western, with the current screen success and the original stars of the picture, Loretta Young, Robert Preston, and Edward Arnold. The play is The Lady from Cheyenne. It's adapted from Frank Lloyd's Universal production, a rousing story of the Wyoming frontier and the days before women could vote, and how a beautiful schoolteacher outwits the whole state legislature to win the ladies the right to vote. You can count me in on the audience for the cast like that, Mr. DeMille. Good night. Good night, Carol. Your performance was really wonderful. Oh, CB, aren't you forgetting somebody? Well, if I am, Bob, I'm just being kind. Oh, wait a minute, CB. I appeal to the women listeners. I leave it to Carol. Don't I, Carol, appeal to the women listeners? Well, I appeal to the men listeners. Don't I, CB? Well, there are 16 million kids in this country. Good night. Good night. Good night. Hollywood has a word for stars like you, too, for local. Our sponsors, the makers of Lux Toiletope, joined me in inviting you to be with us again next Monday night, when the Lux Radio Theater presents Loretta Young, Robert Preston, and Edward Arnold in The Lady from Cheyenne. Mrs. Cecil B. DeMille saying good night to you from Hollywood. The United Service Organizations, a huge civilian army behind our Army in Haiti, are conducting a drive that should have the backing of every loyal American. There is a USO headquarters in your community, and they'll be glad to tell you how you can help in this great work. Bob Hope will be heard on the La Walla Parsons program over this same network next Friday night in a preview of his new Paramount picture caught in the draft. Our music is directed by Louis Silvers, and your announcer has been Melville Roy. This is the Columbia Broadcasting System.