 Okay. So is he playing you? What are the signs? So today we're going to be talking a little bit about what it means to be played. And we have a, somebody from our community wrote in and I'm going to go through her story and we're going to talk about whether she ended up getting played or what the actual scenario is here. And my name is Matthew Coast and welcome to Commitment Connection. And if you haven't done so yet, go get my program, the Forever Woman Formula, if you want to have a relationship where you're loved, seen, and valued as a woman and in a relationship with a great guy. And make sure you go to theforeverwomanformula.com, there's also a link either under or below over or under this video depending on where you're watching this. So we've got a question in here from one of our, one of the women in our community and I am going to read it. And what I want you to do while you're watching this is to pay attention for the red flags. And if you see some red flags, if you hear some red flags, type it into the comments section. Which ones do you think are red flags? Okay. The question goes, hi Matt, I compromise myself because I was so taken aback and caught off guard that someone showed interest in me even with health issues. He's 34 and I'm 57. He is my son's friend and president of their motorcycle club. Started off innocent or so I thought he would message me checking on me to see how I was doing or if I needed anything every morning a good morning. I called him handsome. He started saying, good morning, beautiful. I thought it was so sweet. He comments on my smile. Then he commented that I showed a little cleavage from a photo that she sent to him. So it progressed to him saying that he he was saying that if I kept calling him handsome, he may come knocking on my door. That he was in a relationship but miserable, wants to leave, has no place to go and would be difficult paying another child support if he did. They don't sleep in the same room. He doesn't think she cares what he does, etc. Said age is only a number. In other words, said all the right things. First off, I want to kind of break away from this question and I just want to say that those are not all the right things. He said he's in a relationship but miserable, wants to leave, has no place to go, would be difficult paying another child support if he did. They don't sleep in the same room. He doesn't think she cares what he does. These are not the right things. These are the wrong things. These are red flags that you missed or maybe you didn't miss them because you're telling me about them. So he offered to help with things around the house, never a phone call, always only messages and of course it had to be hush hush as he didn't want to hurt my son or me, not to mention his girlfriend. And he didn't want the club to find out or he'd get kicked out of the club. Messaging continued, getting more sexual. He told me he got a hard on one time from talking, said, do you want to see? I said, do you want to show me? Next pick was a d-pick or we'll just say ding-a-ling. Next pick was a ding-a-ling pick. And I was shocked from that point on he said he asked me to show him a pick of me, showed some cleavage then he asked for more and just there's a lot of women that I've kind of talked to where they've been like, oh, why do guys send d-picks? They send ding-a-ling picks, right? This is why, because it actually works in some scenarios. And so this is a situation where it worked for a guy. He sent her a pick of his ding-dong and now she's sending him pictures of her breasts. So if anybody's wondering why guys do it, it's because it works. So for anyone who, yeah, so next she says, I told him I never do that sending naked picks. He then said, if you're not comfortable, then don't. Came off sounding like I'm prude, so I showed him a pick of my breast. I compromised, then I kept feeling like he wanted more and more and he asked for more wanting to see more. I obliged willingly going totally against my boundaries. I liked that he was interested in me, right? And that's one of the things I talk a lot about, especially in my forever woman program. The reason that you're doing all this is because right now you're coming from this space of feeling like you haven't had any real intimacy in a long time and you don't have anything else going on. And so this guy's showing you interest. And so now you're doing things that you wouldn't normally do, which is why you need to pick up a copy of my program for free, by the way, the foreverwomanformula.com links in the description so that you don't end up getting yourself into a situation that's bad when you don't want to. Okay, so I liked that he was interested in me, wanted him to be. And well, it looked like at any cost. First he came over, we talked and kissed a few times, he started to get touchy-feely. I stopped him as I was way too nervous and on fire and it had been so long since I had been touched in a sensual way. The second time he came over, he said he was very attracted to me and said, well, maybe we could just do it this one time better than no time or he could leave, right? So he said, maybe we could do it this one time better than no time or he could leave, right? So all the signs are there, right? All the signs. You didn't miss them. You're telling me about them right now. But what I think happened was you wanted it to be something else, right? You wanted this to be something else that was going on. And so you ignored the signs that were there. She says, I liked him. I thought you'd want to leave. Oh, she says, I was like, um, I thought you'd want to leave, wasn't prepared for you wanting anything more because of my son. Then he stood up to leave, but went and stood in the hallway and said, I can go this way towards the bedroom or that way towards the door. It's an interesting thing. Interesting thing to say pressure was on. I felt so torn and like I'd never get a chance to experience this intimacy. I stood there for a few minutes and nodded towards the bedroom. It was weird and awkward, but done that evening when he thought my son was saying stuff to other members of the club about my crush and thinking more was going on. He messaged me asking if I erased all our messages. He was paranoid needs to take a break from us from talking, et cetera, until club chatter calmed down, but he'd be back around took a break for about a week. So talking, so no, no talking at all. I initiated talking. He said, yeah, we could talk, which is basically you chasing him at this point. But messages were getting more sparse than a few days went by. He had not responded to my messages. Then I got a message saying, Hey, I was out without data for a few days. Can you keep an eye out on boxes for me? They had gotten a notice to move. So he was busy. I found some boxes for him. He came to pick them up. We hooked up again, told me he was going to be extremely busy work packing move and the club business, et cetera, we hardly spoke. But I did see he had time to post on social media, but no more good mornings, no more initiating a message at all. I did though, here and there, then after a week or two, I decided to ask him if he wanted to go back to being just friends. No response. Another time I said, do you wish not to see me anymore? His response was, I'm sorry, I'm just really swamped. Sounds like you're double texting there. As I went back over our messages several times, it almost feels like a predator grooming me. Him going after a woman he knew was ill lonely by herself. And while I was vulnerable and open target, not being a victim because I willingly went for it. Matt, do you think he prayed or used me? Did I get played? So I'm curious about what everybody else thinks in here. Do you think that she got played? Here's my opinion on it. I do not think that you got played at all. So getting played is being lied to or taken advantage of. They pretend like there's someone they're not and that they want something that they don't want in order to get something that you wouldn't give them if they weren't acting like they wanted something else or they emotionally manipulate you in order to get what they want. And that's not what happened here, at least based on what you have told me and put in this, that is absolutely not what happened. What happened here was you were both flirting with each other. It sounds like you're both coming from a space of needing intimacy, needing to feel good with each other. And what ended up happening was you both used each other to get some needs met. And I think what you did was, and don't get me wrong, I've done it before, lots of people have done it, plenty of women in our community have done it. What I think you did was you were just so kind of enamored by what was going on with him that you ignored all of the red flags and you even kind of made them seem like they were things that you wanted to hear even though that they aren't. And so what ended up happening was it was a very natural organic progression from you talking to each other and just chatting and him checking up on you. You're calling him handsome and what guys do is if you're not aware of how it kind of works, most guys, what they do is there's a lot of women out there, right? And most of those women don't want anything to do with those guys. And so what the guy does is he has to go and kind of find out which women are interested in him because if he's approaching and pursuing women who aren't, he's just going to stay in the friend zone and act like an idiot and everybody's going to think he's an idiot and he's going to get a bad reputation. So what he does is he looks for women that are giving him signals that they want him to proceed forward. And you were giving him that signal. You were calling him handsome, right? You guys were both messaging. You're calling him handsome. He's like, oh, well, you know, if you keep saying that, I'm going to be knocking on your door and you're like, oh, you know, and you kept playing with it and you guys kept flirting until eventually it escalated to the point that you reached physical intimacy. And so I do not, I don't think that you got, I don't think that you got played. I think that he told you exactly what was going on. You chose not to pay attention to what he was saying and you got caught up in your emotions. And the reason that this happened is that you're not using the abundance mindset that I talk about in the forever woman program and, you know, go download that my suggestion is number one, you go download that program right now and go through it. It's free. It's a free program. Go download it. Go watch it a few times, especially pay attention to the part where I talk about abundance and creating abundance for yourself because when you're, and I get it, right? You're just coming kind of back into the dating world. You know, there is this kind of opportunity you probably weren't even like it probably wasn't even on your radar. You got it really excited and you jumped into it. And the reason that that can happen is because you're emotionally kind of vulnerable, you're feeling kind of this desperation and neediness to kind of get something to feel something, right? And so you ignore all the red flags that are, you know, he was basically, he had a big bucket of flags, a big bucket of red flags, and he was grabbing them and he was throwing them into the air, right? And there was just this big kind of display of red flags flying in the air. And you were like, I don't care about any of that. I'm moving forward with this, right? And so first off, he's got a girlfriend. And what do I say about this, right? Never get involved in a messy situation if you don't have to. And not only do you not have to, you particular absolutely do not need to and you shouldn't, right? Very messy situation. He's friends with your son. They're in this motorcycle club. He's got a girlfriend. He can't do anything because there's still, there's a bunch of things going on over there. I mean, there's so much madness and craziness going on in this situation. This is about as messy as messy gets. I mean, this is just a big mess fest of a situation. And my suggestion is that you don't get into situations like that. Don't mess with guys who have girlfriends. Yeah, he tells you probably because he's emotional about it. Oh, she's this, she's that, she's angry, she's all these different things. He told you that he has a girlfriend and that should be what stops it. And you, what you need to do is tell him that he needs to go figure that out before you do anything with him because you're getting yourself into a really messy situation. So I'm not going to harp on that any more than that. And then he literally told you that this was a one time thing. He said, we could just do this this one time, you know, or not, or whatever, right? So he was, he was letting you know that this potentially could just be a one time thing, you know, and it's possible that he was saying that as like, hey, you know, like, let's just have fun one time and, you know, see what happens or whatever. And it's possible that he was saying that like, hey, I just want to do this one time and that's it. But either way, he told you that it's a one time thing and that or it could be a one time thing. And that's that's a huge red flag that you need to pay attention to. And like I said, it was a natural flirting where a natural progression of flirting and moving things forward to a physical level. And this isn't this isn't somebody praying on somebody. It was a very mutual thing that happened. And here's my suggestion for moving forward. I'm not going to say that it is impossible that maybe something could end up here. My gut feeling about this right now is that what's probably going on is that there's a lot more going on with him and his girlfriend and then what he told you. And what's probably going to happen is he's probably going to try to work things out with her and or there's going to be something out. There's going to be some kind of drama or something else that's going to happen there. And he's he's not going to be available for you at all. And so my suggestion is once again, get into a world of abundance, go out and start dating and meeting other people and leave this guy alone. Leave him completely alone. Don't message him. Don't text him. If he talks to you or he messages you, that's fine. But stop chasing him. Stop sending him messages. Stop asking him what he wants or if he still wants to see each other or you want to be friend. Don't do any of that. Don't message him at all. Just leave him alone and start figuring out your own stuff and start creating your own dating life and just stop just stop messing with him. And if he ends up leaving his girlfriend, which he may or may not, then that would be an opportunity for you to possibly get together with him. But I just don't think that I honestly, based on what you told me, that's probably not going to happen anytime in the near future. It's just probably not it's that's just the reality of the situation. He's probably not going to leave her anytime soon. I don't know what else is going on with him and his girlfriend. You're talking about children and child support and all kinds of other things. He's probably not going to leave her. If you continue to see him, what will probably happen is you'll turn into the other woman type of scenario that he needs to keep you under hush hush raps, which in my opinion, I don't care who you are. If you're a woman, I don't think you ever should be treated like that. I don't think you should ever settle for a scenario where you're under under wraps, where he's not excited to tell everybody about you, where he can't tell everybody about you, where you have to be his dirty little secret. I don't think you should ever settle for a scenario like that, which is what this is. That's exactly what this is. And I don't think that's going to change anytime soon, especially because of the motorcycle club that they're in and your relationship, your son's relationship to him. I mean, this is so such a giant red flag of a situation. So that's it. If you're watching this right now, let us know what you think of this situation in the comments section. And after that, we're going to move on to question and answer. If you have questions about your situation or anything that's going on here or anything else, put it in the comments section and I will answer your questions right after this. So before that, I just want to say, again, if you're really serious about getting into an amazing relationship where you're loved and valued and seen by a great guy, make sure you go to the foreverwomanformula.com. There's a link in the description to do that. Okay. So let's see what kind of questions people have here. Hello, hello, hello, everybody. Yes, he says she's not valuing herself. Exactly. Rebecca says, big red flag already in a relationship. Exactly. Yep. In a relationship equals messy. Red flag in a relationship. Exactly. He needs to end that relationship before starting another one. Exactly, Rebecca. Donna says, what if he has some red flags but does show love? What does that mean? He has, what if he shows red flags but he shows love too? So it depends. What's the red flag? What red flag are you talking about? If the red flag is that he's in a relationship, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he's showing love. It doesn't matter because he's taken. He's not your man. He's in another scenario with another person. Tory says he is still hurt from past relationships and is scared to go deep. He wants a committed relationship but has issues opening up. I'm 100% about my past, present and future. How do I get him to open up, to open without manipulation or threatening to leave? Well, it depends on how bad his past hurt is, right? One of the problems with your question and what you're trying to do here is that you're like, okay, this guy's hurt, right? He's got problems, he's scared, he's got commitment. He wants committed relationships but he has these issues opening up because he has so many problems from his past, right? You're like, okay, how do I fix this guy? So that's the premise that you're coming from. You're coming from this premise of how do I change him and fix him but without doing one manipulation or threatening to leave, which honestly I don't think that either of those things are, basically those things are about manipulation, right? So you're manipulating him or you're threatening to leave him is manipulation, right? If you're threatening to leave him, if he doesn't open up, that's manipulation. What he needs to do is he needs to go through his own stuff, right? He's got issues that he's got to work through and so he has to be willing and actively trying to get through that stuff so that he can heal and open up so that he's actually available to have a real relationship with you. And so what you need to do, Tori, is you need to figure out whether he's actually doing that or not. Is he actually working on healing himself and getting himself to a place where he's ready to open up or is he not? And if he's not, then that's a big red flag and that should make you rethink what's going on here. And the problem with the premise of your question is that you're asking how to manipulate him without manipulating him, right? How do I get him to do something, right? So it's like, hey, how do I get him to do something, right? And when we use the word manipulation, we're kind of using it in a term, in a way of saying like, usually the word manipulation is just the premise of influence, right? How do I influence him? So basically you're trying to say like, how do I influence him?