 Ladies and gentlemen, the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents The Halls of Ivy starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. The Halls of Ivy We love the Halls of Ivy that surround us here today. Welcome again to Ivy, Ivy College that is in the town of Ivy USA. Today is the windiest day of the windiest month of the year here at Ivy. It's also today chosen by the members of Ivy's Board of Governors for their quarterly meeting. Let those who will make the most of this coincidence. Ivy's President, Dr. William Todd Hunter Hall is out walking this afternoon with his wife, the former Victoria Cromwell, of the English musical comedy stage. As they round the corner of the library, Mrs. Hall says, It's there, Mr. Wellman. Over there, heading this way. That's really a remarkable strut he has. It is, isn't it? Yeah, look at him. Look, he's marking four abreast all by himself. I sometimes wonder, Victoria, if we're not a bit too hostile toward Mr. Wellman, you know, there's much to be said in his favor. He began life as a poor boy and pulled himself up by his own bootstraps. He's now a power in the canned soup business and chairman of our Board of Governors. You've got to hand it to him. I know. If you don't, he just reaches out and grabs it anyway. He seems to be smiling, a beastly little smile, like the canary who swallowed the cat. He probably just thought of something to make the Board bedevil you. Now, now, Vicki, we mustn't judge him too harshly. You haven't had a change of heart about him, have you? In Victoria, Mr. Wellman has often been arrogant and discourteous to me. He has occasionally been mean and spiteful. Nevertheless, there is something about the man that renders him, in my eyes at least, obnoxious. Well, thank heaven, I thought for a moment you were ill. But I've been wondering if perhaps it wouldn't be better for the school if I tried to establish a friendlier relationship with him. What would your reaction be if I invited him for dinner this evening? My usual reaction? My shoulders would sag with the delight. Oh, please, please don't invite him. Todd, I never know what to talk to him about. I've always considered you a tower of strength conversationally. When Mr. Wellman is present, I'm a tower of jello. Let's not rush into it. Oh, all right, my dear. Another time, perhaps. Yes, later in the spring when the passenger pigeons return. Darling, the passenger pigeon is extinct. How nice. And then you read, I see no reason why I shouldn't offer him an olive branch, do you? No, except he's labelled a basher about the head with it. Oh, I think I can be relied upon to make him accepted in the spirit in which it's offered. If I say so myself, I'm a pretty good diplomat. You know, the even temper, the retort gutties, the subtle flattery subtly conveyed. I have them all at my command when I set my mind to it. Hall the charm, boy, they used to call me. Now, you just watch me melt away his hostility. Ah, good afternoon, Mr. Wellman. I couldn't, but... Oh, it's you, Hall. Mrs. Hall? Yes, as I watched you coming toward us, I couldn't help thinking that much of your success must be due to the resoluteness. So apparent in your walk, with which you approach any task, even an ordinary meeting of the board. This isn't going to be an ordinary meeting if I can help it. I'll flim it. Have you seen today's newspaper? No, I haven't. Here, read that. Read that. Hmm, oh, I... Oh, I see. You're going to liven it up a bit, are you? Play a few practical jokes, eh? Oh, clever, very clever. What? What are you talking about? What are you reading? Listen, Vicki, now on sale, largest collection of itch powder and dribble glasses in town. A million laughs. No, not the advertisement. A column next to it. Oh. What? What is it? Town council passes resolution condemning vice on ivy campus. How dare they perpetrate such an outrageous insult? The point, Dr. Hall, is how you dare permit such a condition to flourish here at the school. Mr. Wellman, surely you know as well as I. There is no basis in fact for this, this, this contemptible lie. I know only that for years. Against your opposition, I have tried to do away with the very thing at which the town council now points an accusing finger. Willow walk. Is that what the town council means by vice? Our local lovers' lane. Precisely. They're quite right, though it shames me to admit it. We all know what goes on in Willow Walk on spring evenings. Do we? What? Never having been there myself, Mrs. Hall, I am not prepared with a bill of particulars, but I am equipped with an imagination. Then I suggest that if the town council must point an accusing finger at vice, let it be pointed at your imagination. Huh. That's the only place on the campus that exists. Very well. I shall, of course, discuss your interesting comment about my imagination with the rest of the board this afternoon. And I request permission to appear in person and discuss it myself. I shall place the matter of the town council's resolution at the bottom of the agenda. We'll arrive at at the round forty. I'll be there. Good afternoon, Mrs. Hall. Well, where were we? What were we talking about before this happened? Diplomacy? The even temper that we taught Kirtius? I wasn't very diplomatic, was I? Oh, I don't know. Is diplomacy goes these days? No. No, I behaved badly. You didn't behave at all, I'm proud to say. The students were being violently insulted, and so naturally you exploded. Yes, I really did, didn't I? You certainly did. Will you ever get the expression on his face when you told him where you thought the town council ought to point? Never. The memory of it will make me the jolliest ex-college president on the bread line. Oh, dear. I'll bet Wellamon will work the board into our frenzy over this. Yes, unless I apologize. No, under the circumstances. I think bread is far more palatable than humble pie. What? That devil provoked the town council to issue such a blast, so completely without foundation. I know that enmity between the town and the gown is proverbial in academic history, but... Hello, Victoria. Oh, hello, Pauline. Good afternoon, Dr. Hall. Good afternoon. Would you like a lift? My car's right over there. Oh, thank you, Professor Larson. We're out for a stroll. Oh, you're best of the nines, Pauline, and never saw you look lovely. Are you going on a date? Oh, no. I'm on my way to a council meeting at Town Hall. Do you think I look attractive enough to hold the councilman's attention for five minutes? That's all the time they've allotted me to speak against a bill they're considering. I think they'd be only too happy to spend five minutes just looking at you. Oh, thank you, Dean. Is this to be a little field expedition on behalf of your political science department professor? Oh, no. No, the town's civic reform league has asked me to help stop the passage of a bill which extends, or practically without reservation, the powers of the town council. The boys in the back room are trying to push it through, so as to help them rig elections more easily. Oh, I'm sure you'll prove most effective. I doubt it. You see, the reform league's only a few years old, while the local machine was already raiding the pork barrel at a time when Tammany Hall was just a gleam in Aaron Burr's eye. No, I'm afraid this bill will go through with a whoop and a holler. What in blazes is happening downtown? Yesterday, a baseless accusation of vice on the campus? Today, a crooked bill? Well, the machine has recently been taken over by P.T. Granger, the honest breakman. And he... The honest breakman? Uh-huh. That's what the newspaper boys call him. Due to the fact that he once spent eight years working in the freight yards and never stole a locomotive. He's a new broom, and he sweeps dirty. And he's very much interested in you. And me? How do you know? He's been sitting in that convertible over there for the past few minutes just staring at you. Strange-looking bird, I must say. I never see this brilliant plumage. Are you familiar with the species, William? Only through books, I'm sorry to admit. They're called scallowags, sticky-fingered scallowags, or politicus corruptus. They feed largely on public apathy, foul other birds' nests, and although the plumage buries, maybe easily identified by their bills, which are crooked. And their song, which sounds something like, What's in it for me? What's in it for me? You let's have a close-alot. Oh, I intend to immediately... Professor Larson, if you should happen to think of some way of snaring this bird, I hope you'll inform me. I've a collector's itch to see him stuffed and mounted in the Ivy Museum of Natural History. Come on, Vicki, let's tackle Granger. Goodbye, Pauline, and good luck. Thank you, dear, bye. Shall you have another go at diplomacy? This time I shall maintain an even temper. Coolness and calculation are the best weapons in situations like this, if I've read my Machiavelli correctly. Cool and calculating, therefore I shall be. Mr. Granger? Quite right. Mr. Petey Granger? Quite right. Well, what the devil do you mean by accusing us of tolerating vice at the school? Darling, Machiavelli, Machiavelli. How dare you, vilifiers? How dare you, besmirchers? Go ahead, I'll clear it out, only natural considering. Quite right, quite right. I demand an explanation. Sure you don't know your word, quite right. I suggest some other phrase, entirely correct, or indubitably true. You need a leasy, Mrs. Hall. A duck. I made the council pass that resolution just to let you know why he was around. Not in personal, and it's just politics. Leading up to a little favor I want you to do for me. You actually have the colossal gall to expect a favor of me? Quite right. You'll do it too. I am not a betting man, Granger, but in this instance I am prepared to give odds your wrong. Save your money, duck. I got you taped from here to breakfast, and I say you'll do it. You'll do it, or you'll learn what the council did to the school yesterday is nothing compared to what I'm ready to make it to. The way I got you pegged, you'll do almost anything to save the school's fair name. Isn't that the way you'd say it? Just what is it you want, Granger, ready to play ball? Quite right, quite right. Nothing else you can do. Duck, I'm getting ready to move into politics on a statewide basis. I don't know who yet, but I'm entering a candidate in the next election for governor. Whoever it turns out to be, I see him as a man just lousy with respectability. Go on, go on. Well, guess whose name I want right up at the top of the list of prominent people heartily endorsing my man. Granger, I am at a slight disadvantage in dealing with this situation even after studying Plato's Republic, Mars, Utopia, and Aristotle's Politica. What state do they operate in? The fate of enlightenment, I doubt if you've ever crossed the border. However, cut it short, Duck. It's all settled anyway. I've got more important things to do. I've got to listen to the race results in a couple of minutes. However, I have faced greater terrors than any you have so far conjured up. Differential calculus, astrophysics, and French irregular verbs to name a few. A moment ago, you asked me to guess something. Now I'll ask you, guess where I'll see you first before I grant you that favor. Show and fight, eh? Quite right, quite right. Take a walk around the block, Doc, and think it over. I'll be here another 20 minutes. Enjoy those 20 minutes, Granger, because when I return, I am going to run you right out of town. So help me. What? Quite right, quite right. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Before we return to the halls of Ivy, let's listen to the story of a man who went to Florida and, like the Spaniards, before him made an important discovery. From where I sat, stretched out, waxed in the terrace of my hotel, Florida was a production and technicolor. The greens and blues of the ocean, the sky and the palm trees were intense. And so too was my satisfaction. It was one of those settings where you might say all that was needed to complete the picture of utter contentment was a bottle of Schlitz beer. But that came later. At the moment, all I knew of Schlitz was its fame. So I dozed in my chair and only dimly conscious of the hotel waiters passing back and forth, serving others in the terrace. Slowly, my attention was drawn to the trays they carried, or rather, what they carried on them. It seemed that Schlitz beer was getting quite a play from the paying customers. And as the number of Schlitz orders began to add up, I became more and more impressed. Then I remembered having read that Schlitz was the most popular beer in the world. My contentment gradually gave way to curiosity. Until I found myself wide awake and wondering why Schlitz was so much in demand. Of course, it was only one way to find out. I ordered a bottle of Schlitz. And one deep swallow told me what I wanted to know. Let me put it this way. No wonder they called Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. We're turning to the halls of Ivy. We find a moody and reflective Dr. Hall, sitting on a bench on the commons with Mr. Moussel. We turn to the halls of Ivy. Sitting on a bench on the commons with Mrs. Hall, who is feeding the squirrels. Mrs. Hall says, Look at the greedy little beggars. Would you like to give them some nuts? Nuts. My sentiments exactly. Vicki, you have no idea how inadequate I feel. I probably received more honorary degrees than Granger has third degrees. And yet in certain spheres he's an intellectual giant compared to me. He was cat and mousing me just now knowing it too. How can I possibly give students the implements with which they can meet life on its own terms when I myself am so utterly helpless. You might add some new courses to the curriculum, cynicism one and two, but that's a long range problem. Closer at hand is the question how is the honest breakman to be handled and let's not try to be diplomatic about it. I agree. This calls for knuckle dusters rather than kid loves. What else? As I see it, the only thing Granger has is the control of one to two thousand votes. And I doubt if I can supply this lack in the next few minutes so that leaves only one alternative. Change your name, grow a beard and take up some other possession. Something along those lines. This has turned out to be just about the most crisis ridden stroll I've ever taken. All I wanted to do this afternoon was to walk off an excellent lunch. So far I've insulted the chairman of the board and been threatened with smear campaigns by a penny anti-politico. Life's full of little booby traps. Do you remember our reception at the red line in at Marlow that last weekend in England? Oh, don't I. Now, there was an infuriating quarter of an hour. Remember that wild dash to the railroad station after the last show? The bumpy train rides. No taxi to meet us when we arrived at two in the morning. And a one-mile hike to the inn in the rain with you staggering under all that luggage. It is. And not as sore awake at the hotel to take care of us when we got there. Oh, I'll never forget this. Never. Where is everyone? The place is absolutely deserted. Oh, Vicky, now don't tell me you've got cold. Oh, no, I haven't. At least I hope not. Sit here, darling. Sit here near the fire. I'll poke it up a bit. Well, how's he to the note for us on the desk? I told the landlord when I telephoned here, he assured me someone would wait up for us. Well, no. It's a box with my name on it. Well, open it, darling. Look, bring it over here and sit down. There. Now give me your foot. I want to get those wet shoes off. What's in it? Flower. Oh, good Lord. I told the landlord I wanted some flowers for you. Flowers! You idiot. I'm sorry, darling. Don't be. It was very sweet of you to have thought of it at all. I know. Much good it did. I'm going to knock at every door in the place till I find someone to look after us. No, Toddy Don't. There may be other couples here on a lovely weekend of their own. I see no reason why they should be permitted to enjoy a weekend while we're condemned to a bench down here. Well, it's not so bad, really. Seems to be very soft wood. You're an angel, Vicky. Always making the best of everything. Oops. This is not soft wood. Put your arms round me. I feel better already. I'm sorry. Did I fust all a kiss? Never mind, darling. I have plenty more. Look, you, you. Just tell me when. No. This is more like it. Ah, Vicky, I had planned it all so differently. I wanted our own comfortable room with a lovely fire going. A full moon outside the window and the smell of jasmine from the garden below. And somewhere a nightingale singing. This is really the season for nightingales. Well, then I would have hired someone to do bird calls just for the occasion. Ah, do a little, my dove. Cove? That was a sad little dove, wasn't it? You know, darling, I'm sure of one thing. If we can surmount this kind of night, the rest of our married life ought to be smooth sailing. And you're not beginning to lose the first fine-full flush of enthusiasm? Lose it. Darling, your soap to the skin. Your hair is almost up. Your nose is red. And I have never seen anyone as ravishing. I love you, Vicky. And if it were ordained that we have to spend the rest of our lives sitting here feeling just as miserable, I'd say aim into it and enjoy every moment. Oh, darling. Just be quickly before I sneeze. Before and immediately after. My darling, but let's move into this little sitting room. Well, look, Victoria, isn't that amazing? What? That mutter over the door. It's exactly the same as the one at Ivy. You shall know the truth, and the truth will make you free. I know, Toddy. It's always been there. Oh, no, my dear, you don't understand. You've never seen it. It's over the library door at Ivy College in America. Well, of course it is. I'm sitting right here looking at it. Come back, Toddy, wherever you are. Come back? What do you mean here at Ivy? I do wish I could go with you to set sail into space like that. Oh, you do go with me, Vicky. Do you think I'd leave my first mate behind? I think we'd better head for home if you're going to upset Mr. Granger's wild and woolly plans. Wait a moment, wait, wait. I've just had an inspiration, Vicky. Seeing the library gave it to me. Let's go in. Whatever for? Well, in this library since 1640 has reposed the original charter of Ivy Township. When it was incorporated with 75 inhabitants, there must have been laws and statutes which were only intended to apply to a community that small. I'm going to snoop around and see if I can't hunt up some forgotten statute which might legislate Mr. Granger's smack out of his smug complacent skin. Vicky, I've got it. Tell, tell. Well, in 1757 when Ivy's population had swollen to 93 persons, the city fathers passed a law extending the vote on local affairs to anyone of voting age who had resided in the town for a minimum period of three months. You've lost me, my darling. I haven't got the faintest idea what you're talking about. But you realize that 1,500 Ivy students of voting age reside in this town for nine months every year? Doesn't that mean anything to you? Well, it makes for a very attractive campus. You're a bit more attractive than you think. 1,500 votes will swing the entire balance of power in this town. How wonderful! Well, this makes you a more powerful political than Granger ever was! Of course it does. And when I explain the situation to the students, I'm sure they'll see eye to eye with me. And they'll go to the polls in droves! You know, if it hadn't been for Professor Larson, I never would have thought to look up the law. Remind me, Vicky, to call her as soon as she returns from the meeting. I'm going to increase the budget for the Political Science Department. Come along, Victoria. I'm ready for Mr. Granger. I'm going to enjoy this. Don't be greedy, Tori. Let me into the act, too. Of course. We'll cat and mouse him. Just watch Bas Hall in action. Be quiet, dear. You'll hear you. You're right on the nose, Doc. I was just about to turn on the ignition. What's so funny? I said, what's so funny? You don't understand what's happening, and you're curious, aren't you? Quite right. Quite right. Don't make me mad, Doc. I ask you a question. I expect an answer. Sure you do. Quite right. Quite right. You both lost your minds? Oh, not at all. No, we're about to run you out of town, and we're naturally pleased at the prospect. Nothing personal in it, you understand, just politic. I'll give you ten seconds more, then I'll get mad. Quite right. Quite right. Every time I say that, Tori. Mr. Granger, you're noodle-easy. Neatle, not noodle-easy. Pay close attention on this, Mr. Brickman. I'm only going to say this once. This is the study of the laws of the town of Ivy. So what? You've made a small mistake. There's a forgotten but not obsolete statute here which renders more than 1,500 students at Ivy eligible to appear at the polls, eligible to take advantage of the statutes governing initiative, referendum, and recall. Oh, no. Oh, yes. You know the first thing we're going to do with our vote? We're going to build you a monument. Me? Yes, you. A monument a thousand feet high, I think possibly it'll be one inch wide. It shouldn't cost more than a few million dollars. The college, of course, is non-taxable, so the property holders in town will have to pay for it. It's going to have your name plastered all over it and each time they see it and think of the cost they'll think of you. And that's only the beginning. Wait a minute. Then I think we'll reconstruct town hall so that the elevators remain stationary while the building goes up and down. Please, wait. Let's make a deal. A deal does not interest me, but there is always unconditional surrender. Yeah, there is, isn't it? Well, you got it. Unconditional surrender. I'll do anything you say. The first thing you'll do is to come with me to a meeting of our Board of Governors and inform them the town council was mistaken in its resolution yesterday and that it will retract and apologize. Quite correct. I mean, sure, hey, only a jerk would have believed it anyway. I want you to tell that to the chairman of our Board personally. Yes, and in my presence. Doc, I got no right to ask, but will you do me a favor? Well, what is it? Do you teach politics here at Ivy? Yes, we have a political science department. I want to take that course. Enroll me. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Now here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Well, it's late, Toddy. Time to close up. Have you finished whatever it is that you're writing? All but the last line, Vicki. It's a limerick. Perhaps I can help. How does it go? A guileless old fellow named Hall, on finding his back to the wall. Like Machiavelli, he managed so well, he could hardly be lived with at all. Very good. But seriously, I think you handled the case of the Honest Breakman very well. I don't know. I'm afraid I slipped up on the retort, cutious. You went even one better, Toddy. You gave them the reproof valiant. Well, so long as it wasn't the reply cherished, my dear. Good night, everyone. Good night. See you next week at this time at the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Eleanor Audley, and Robert Butterfield. Tonight's script was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Nat Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. We love the hall that's around us here today. Your tune for the stars is now available on DC.