 All right, today's toolbox episode is about breaking the ice and I have Johnny and Michael here joining me. This is one of our favorite topics inside our X Factor Accelerator Program and one of the main reasons that a lot of our clients join us to be more memorable in conversations, not just with friends and family and coworkers, but with strangers. And I like to say that every great relationship in your life starts with a conversation. So today we're going to talk about how to start those great conversations that can potentially take a stranger to a relationship in your life. There's three points that we were looking at here and it is approach somebody new, start up a conversation and be memorable, right? That's the goal of this. And for myself, I didn't realize there was so much fun science behind those three aspects of this and we're going to be discussing them today. And it can also be a lot of fun for some people. If you ask them if they're introverted, extroverted, ambivert, they're going to say one of those and with each one of those labels comes a preconceived notion for the person they're telling to and for themselves to identify that with how they interact socially. And for some people who might seem, who would identify themselves as introverted, they probably go out to a social engagement, talk to the few friends that they know are going to be there, but don't venture outside of that too much. The extroverted person will identify with going to that event, probably chatting with a lot of people, their friends and bouncing around in the ambivert person. If the planets and stars align, maybe they'll be a little bit more extroverted than normal, but they'll chat with some friends and if some new people come into the group, perhaps they'll chat with those folks as well. Now one of the important things here is that new opportunities come with building out your network and with every new conversation you have, you have the potential to open new doors and to build bridges to new relationships. All of these things are connected. So for such a simple idea as approach somebody new, start up a conversation, be memorable, we're going to dive in and gamify this a bit so that you'll have some internal points to think about, but also a new view of these three things to make it fun so that when you do go, if you are an introvert, perhaps you'll think about some of these concepts and put them into play and test them out. If you are an extrovert, well here's the science behind it so that you can be more effective and for you ambiverts who are hoping that the stars aligned well, right, we're going to lay these things out so you can have some fun with this too and then push your social abilities to their limits and see what you can do as well. Now for myself, I learned all this and I've talked about it on this show many times. I used to be a bartender and along with bartending, it was managing the bar, talent buyer. I had an incredibly social job and going there every day just like any job. I got bored and I had to find angles to make it fun and unique. This is when I got involved in interpersonal relationships, communication and social skills because I was looking for unique ways to make my evening fun, but along comes with that is gaining more tips and creating new relationships. So this is when I started diving in and way back then, 17 years ago, there was the unique idea about gamifying your social interactions so that you would be able to keep track of them. You'd be able to document them, measure your effectiveness and then figure out areas where you can improve your abilities. So what we're going to do today is to go through these so that you can gamify this aspect, measure your abilities and then also give you something to shoot for so you can get better, basically an opportunity to measure your effectiveness and what it's going to take for you to feel good of getting to a certain place in your abilities. And just like with every game since we're talking gamification and I'm thinking video games, any game is supposed to be fun and every game also involves some sort of practice and leveling up. So this is something where you're just going out, you're having fun and you're getting better and better and better. And this is a lifelong journey where improvement and new connections and growing your network is just now part of your life. Of course, as we go through these three steps in breaking the ice, there are some pitfalls to watch out for. There are some common issues, frustrations that our clients have when it comes to how to approach that person, what to say to that person and then ultimately how to make that conversation memorable. So we're going to break those down as well, because you might be feeling stuck at one of these steps, so we're going to share some strategies to help you overcome any of those frustrations that you're having so that these conversations, this small talk, this breaking the ice, meeting new people is actually a lot more effortless. It's not anxiety filled or something that holds you back from all these great opportunities and connections that we talked about. So how do we start a conversation? This is one of the most common questions that we get inside of our coaching programs, especially when it comes to conversations with people we don't know. Now, obviously with friends, family and co-workers, there's some familiarity. But with someone you don't know, how do you break the ice? And one of the biggest frustrations that we hear is don't know what to say. Right, Johnny? Absolutely. And the reason is it was because we have anxiety meeting new people because we're walking into the unknown. There's always going to be some amount of tension and pressure for that. And for the introvert, folks, it can be overwhelming. For those who would identify as extroverted, they can walk through that anxiety easily. It doesn't affect them. That's the difference between those two. And the ambivert is somewhere in the middle there. And with that tension and pressure, we tend to go in our head and we start to overanalyze the situation. This analytical thinking puts us in our head. And now we're going over all of these different scenarios and options and ideas of how we're going to start this conversation. So what we want to do is eliminate all of that and give you a simple framework that you can use so you can be quite effective and navigate through your anxiety and analytical thinking. And of course, if you started to listen to this podcast, hoping that there would be some magical line that you could say that would work in every situation, well, that's going to fall flat. So looking for magic words might not be the best strategy here, but our conversation formula does work in any context or environment. So whether it's a social environment, whether it's a romantic environment or whether it's a professional environment, our conversation formula creates that framework for you to work from, to generate a conversation with someone you don't know. And that conversation formula goes like this, question plus answer equals statement. So if you don't know what to say, ask a question. That question could be something as simple as turning to someone next to you at that social event and asking them what they're drinking or maybe it's a party environment and you ask them, how do you know the host? Or maybe you're at a conference and you're queuing up to go in to see the next speaker and you turn to the person next to you and ask them, hey, who's been your favorite speaker at the conference so far? Each one of these examples allows the other person to share, to start a conversation. If you focus on an observation or just making a statement instead of utilizing the question, well, the other person on the other end, that stranger that doesn't know you, might not realize that you're actually talking to them, that you actually want a conversation with them. So it's easy to be ignored if we look for magic lines or statements to start the conversation with. How does this work if we're on the street and there's zero context? We don't know that person at all. Well, Michael, I know we have a great strategy inside of the X Factor Accelerator for exactly this scenario. Yeah. And what we have people train and practice and get really good at is giving spontaneous compliments. So you might see someone you want to talk to, maybe standing next to you in the subway and saying, oh, those are really nice boots. Now, that would be a statement, right? So we don't want to leave it there, but then follow it up with a question and saying, hey, where did you get them from something like that? And then see how the response here goes and take the conversation from there. But this is your opener. It's friendly. It's appreciative, and it brings the attention to the other person and makes them feel good. So they're much more open to then engaging in a conversation with you. And here's the thing. This taps into human nature. We are primed to answer questions from strangers. So psychologist Robert Childini calls this a fixed action pattern. You hear a question and almost by autopilot, you give an answer. This is like it almost feels like if you if you think of pigeons trained in boxes to punch a button to get some food, this is how we've been conditioned. If we get asked the question, the polite way to respond is to give an answer. A fixed action pattern. So we're utilizing a very common human proclivity to respond to that stimulus in, you know, just answering. Now, there is a bit of nuance here because we talked about how do we become memorable? And you might be thinking, well, questions aren't really memorable, guys. I want to stand out for the right reasons. And it's important that when asking that question, we bring some energy and enthusiasm to our nonverbal communication, meaning smile and eye contact and our vocal tonality. So it is upbeat and it allows the other person to feel good in hearing us ask that question. And we do this challenge inside of the X Factor Accelerator. If you actually ask a question in a monotone or a downward vocal tonality or you aren't smiling or making great eye contact with the person, again, it's very easy for that person to brush you off, to ignore you, to not think that what you just asked was meant for them. So we want to reinforce this question with some positive energy and enthusiasm, keeping it light and positive so that people will associate that good feeling with being asked this question by you. So the science around this is really fascinating because it is very solid. My favorite study around this was done in 2004. It's called emotional intensity predicts autobiographical memory experience. But to break it down, make it simple. This study found that the emotional intensity of an event predicted the vividness and also the belief in the accuracy of the memory of that event, the more emotion there was in the interaction, the more lively the memory was and the more people believed that this memory was true. And so both positive and negative emotional experiences were associated with that. So you really want to make sure that you're leaving that confident and upbeat impression on the other person. The perfect example of this that I have here in Miami, it was an X Factor Accelerator Bootcamp and gave a join the program as a management consultant, and he had gone through a terrible breakup that had shaken up not only his romantic life, but also his social life. And he was feeling a lot of self doubt around his ability to build and foster new relationships in his life. And after the first days, drills and exercises around conversation formula. He's like, OK, I get it, but it doesn't really seem like conversation is going to be so easy to do if I'm out in Miami, talking to people and just asking questions. So we sat down on our first field night at dinner and a group of ladies sat down next to us on a bachelorette party. And as they made their drink order, the waiter came over with a tray full of all of these tropical drinks, so coconuts and pineapples and umbrellas. And Gabriel, as this was his opportunity, so he turned to the table and he simply asked what were the cocktails that the ladies were having because they looked delicious. And immediately they started sharing that they were here for a bachelorette party. They pointed out the bachelorette. They were also sharing the different drinks. And that conversation started simply because Gabe expressed curiosity around a cocktail. Now, fast forward, we're closing our tab. We're getting ready to go out for the evening. And one of the ladies grabbed Gabe and called him over to the table and said, Hey, let's exchange contact information so we can meet up later after we finish our meal. And Gabe was walking out of the restaurant beaming, realizing that something as simple as just asking a question, taking some curiosity and being interested in what was going on at the table next to us in an environment where it was 12 women. He probably wouldn't have in the past thought to ask a question or strike up a conversation could lead to such a memorable experience that they are then asking for his phone number to hang out later. So these simple strategies that we're giving you are all about breaking the ice. It doesn't have to be fireworks. You don't have to be a stand up comedian. You don't have to have side splitting laughter to be memorable to stand out to break the ice with a stranger by expressing curiosity. You can get the ball rolling really easily in any environment. Hey, I want to also add to this as well. What Gabe did was build a bridge to an unknown entity, right? Those folks in that bachelorette party were unknown by asking that question. Gabe built that bridge. And what those ladies had seen was amazing, awesome, friendly, chill, young men hanging out who were looking for a great time that evening. And they're like, great, we found great rad dudes to hang out with. You are creating these opportunities by building that bridge. So there's another concept to go along with this. So the next time that you are out, I want you to understand that one of the attributes to being a high value person is acknowledgement of others, of those around you. Now, all of us have been in a social environment in which there was somebody standing next to us that we didn't know. And there is something inside of us that tells us we should probably introduce ourselves to that person. But for whatever reason, we get distracted or the tension and pressure gets insurmountable and we don't do it. Now, things are awkward. So it makes the longer you wait, the more awkward that it gets. So in order to break this and to be able to acknowledge those around us and make everything inclusive so that everyone feels comfortable and that those bridges are easily built is what we call the party bubble. And the party bubble is the simple concept that within a radius around you that you acknowledge those people, you say hello, you ask them the question, you build the bridges. And what will happen from that is that energy will spider web out and you can see the ripple effects of you being high value, building those bridges, interacting in that party bubble, should showing acknowledgement, which is infectious, which then those people will do the same thing. They're going to be that more apt to make those connections and acknowledge those around them and say hello. So now you're positively affecting your environment and it's going to be due to to the work that you are doing. And that energy, people are going to see where that comes from, right? And now you're going to be seen and heard in a very positive manner. Specifically to any event that you're going out, the people who are there who are organizing those events, who are running those events are going to see you as a high value person who always seems to get the party going or that adds energy. So that only wants them to reach out to make sure that you understand or know the next events that are also going. And there are good and bad questions. We have to point that out. So any question that results in a yes or no answer, do you have the directions? What is the time that doesn't actually create a conversational thread that you can actually interact with the other person on? So if you find yourself breaking the ice, asking questions that result in yes or no responses and feeling frustrated, you need to be relying on open ended questions, questions that require the other person sharing a bit of information and some context that we can work with. And what's wonderful about this, especially in a professional setting, is when you ask questions seeking advice, you actually appear smarter. It improves that first impression and it makes the other person feel good that they get to share their advice with you. So in listening to this, this doesn't just work in social or romantic settings like we shared with that example, but this also works in a professional environment, even with coworkers that you may not have ever interacted with. If you go seeking advice through asking a question, you're going to leave a very favorable impression of yourself and allow the other person to feel good in that interaction. Now, you may have heard Dale Carnegie's famous sentence, to be interesting is to be interested. And a lot of our clients who joined the program have heard this and they go, great, just ask questions. I love it. A.J. and Johnny, I ask a ton of questions. I ask all the questions. And they end up jumping on the dreaded question train. Right, Johnny? Yes. So we just went over the getting the approach out of the way and now we're moving into getting the conversation started. A.J. had made a mention of making sure that you're asking questions that solicits an answer. And we need to make sure that we're going to contribute to this conversation because if we get stuck in the question train and the question train is just question after question after question. And we get stuck in this pattern because asking the question is the easy thing to do. It puts the spotlight on the other person. So if you gave the appreciative statement or the compliment, as Michael said, they're now in the fixed action pattern and they're going to give the response. Now, the follow up here is very important because you might be compelled to start another question. And what you're going to put yourself in is in your own pattern of question after question after question. You can only ask so many questions in a row before the interaction. Caves in on itself. So you've given appreciative statement, you put the attention on them. They're now acknowledged. They've answered your question. And another question continues to hold the spotlight on that person and forces them again to answer. This is called the question train. We asked too many questions in a row that attention gets overwhelming and the person begins to feel interrogated and they become self-conscious and slowly begin to shut down. This will cause when they shut down, it'll cause you then to get self-conscious of why the interaction is petering out. And you'll either see that person leave and get angry at them or the opposite will happen, which some of you know was you'll take it personally and begin to beat yourself up due to that conversation falling apart. So this is why the statement after the question is so important. That's right, Johnny. And that's why it's so important as you complete the conversation formula. We're taking their answer and we're responding with a statement. That statement is us adding something to the conversation now. So you could imagine if all we're doing is following up every single question we ask with another follow up question. Well, at the end of that interaction, the other person doesn't really know anything about us, so how can we possibly be memorable? Exactly. Now, it's important that we practice cultivating curiosity. And this can be a challenge for many of us if we find ourselves to be a little bit introverted or to be out of practice from socializing. It's important that curiosity is what's fueling this interaction. We are not in this interaction because we want to talk about ourselves or because we don't really care what their answers are. Both of those are going to lead to the conversation petering out. So how do we actually cultivate that curiosity, Michael? Well, I wanted to say through curiosity, but that would be a circular argument. So I'm going to say that go into a conversation and try to get into the mindset of the person you're talking about. So, for example, Justin Brewer talks about the concept of deprivation, curiosity versus exploration, curiosity and deprivation, curiosity basically means I need a simple answer to something because I lack the information. What is the time? Exploration, curiosity is let me find out more about this. This is someone who might get lost in Wikipedia researching something and then ending up somewhere completely different because all of this is so interesting. So to give you an example here, I might ask you, AJ, where are you at right now? And then you say, I'm in Italy. So that would be deprivation, curiosity. My my lack of information has been satisfied. Now, this is not going to make a really good conversation because, of course, now I want to know what brings you here, what brought you to Italy, where in Italy are you enjoying the food? Of course, now again, I'm doing I'm demonstrating the question train. So we're not doing that. So I'm asking you where you at, AJ, and you tell me you're in Italy. And I would make a statement and say, oh, wow, I've never been in Italy. What's the food like there? Is it really as great as I've heard? Right. And now I'm exploring. I'm putting on my Sherlock Holmes hat and I'm finding out things about the topic we're discussing, which is, by the way, it's always a good idea to pick topics that you're actually interested in. If I had heard that you were on a fishing trip, I might not necessarily necessarily go very deep there. But I heard so many great things about Italy that I really want to know a lot about it and how AJ fits into that context, how your life looks like in that context. And what I love with that example is you admitted through vulnerability that you'd never been to Italy. And that's OK. You know, so often we find ourselves trying to seek out similarities. And if we don't have anything in common or we haven't experienced that or we don't know about that food or we've never tried that sport, all of a sudden we feel like well, we're boring and we can't talk about it. When in actuality just saying, hey, I've never been, I've never had that drink. I've never heard of that movie. I've never seen that show is a statement. It's a statement that showcases some vulnerability, adds a bit of yourself to the conversation and creates some breathing room between that next question, that follow up question with your Sherlock Holmes hat. And I will walk away from that interaction being like, wow, Michael's never been to Italy. I'm going to have to throw out a trip to Italy in the future so that he can get to experience this great food, right? So that is a key part of the vulnerability that we're sharing with that statement. He listened to my answer, which is really important. And then he utilized my answer in a way through a statement first before asking that follow up question to really fuel the conversation forward. And also think about how much credibility this answer gave to my further questioning you. I have never been in Italy. Please tell me everything you know about it. That is not to say that you can't ask questions about things you're knowledgeable and of course you can do that as well. But there's no back. There's no downside to having to saying, oh, I don't know anything about this because now, you know, here comes my Sherlock Holmes hat. Let's go there. And because you are in Italy, there must be a really good reason. So this is something that, especially if you chose that voluntarily, which I believe you did, I'm tapping into something you obviously like. And this is an experience that Clint and joining X Factor Accelerator had as a sales executive. So of course in sales, you're going to find yourself asking lots of questions. You're going to find yourself putting on that Sherlock Holmes hat and trying to figure out, well, what does the prospect need? What are they looking for in their software? What kind of car are they hoping to buy? What is their end goal? And how can I serve them as a sales person? And oftentimes you will feel like that's all I have to do is just ask a bunch of questions, but in actuality, we buy from people we know, like and trust. And I'm not going to know, like and trust you if all I'm getting peppered with is a bunch of questions about myself and no real connection to me. So where this change with Clint happened was during the X Factor implementation sessions where we were actually practicing the question, answer, statement, the conversation formula in a live setting in demo conversations between the participants where they would have a short conversation. And then the coach and everyone else participating would give feedback. And what Clint realized was that with bringing in that statement, sharing something about himself, the conversation just took off. In fact, it took off to a point where I had to slow everyone down and be like, hey, guys, we're training here. Like you can have this conversation. You can finish this. You can sit together over a bunch of beers and talk all about this thing that Clint did later. But please, let's let's focus on the training. And this is what what these conversation tools do when when people say I'm running out of things to say the conversation doesn't go well. You introduce a few simple principles like this and boom, the conversations don't end anymore and people want to continue the conversation. They want to get your contact information so they can catch up with you later and meet you again later and the making statements and sharing that vulnerability about yourself is a huge part of that. So at this point, we have put ourselves in a position of being in a social setting. We have now showed acknowledgement to those people around us. We have now built bridges of communication for everyone. We've heightened everyone's emotional state. So now the conversation should be flowing and not only flowing. Lots of people are getting involved. Everyone's feeling comfortable due to you setting this up. And the last piece to this now is that we wanted to be memorable. We want to approach everybody. We want to get conversation moving. And then we wanted to become memorable and everyone's mind. And the last pitfall here is in during these conversations, the biggest concern, especially for introverts is I don't want to make the conversation about myself. I don't want to come off as bragging. I don't want to be the center of attention. Absolutely, because if we can get people talking about themselves and enjoying themselves in the evening, what they are going to remember is interacting with you was fun, and that is what is going to make us memorable. And that's how we're going to move this forward. So it's never about now talking about yourself to all the people that you've introduced yourself to. It's about making the conversations about us rather than me. So the solution here is what we call a we statement, not a me statement. So you may feel an urge on the inside to then tell Michael how amazing Italy is and how I've been to seven cities and I'm staying here for months on end. And it's just so incredible. But of course, if that's all Michael's hearing is me, me, me, me, me. Michael is then also going to feel disengaged and uninterested in this conversation versus a we statement, which basically insinuates subconsciously that Michael and I are getting closer, something along the lines of, hey, Michael, when I get back from Italy, I'm going to take you to my favorite Italian restaurant in Vienna that serves the exact same pasta I'm eating here in Puglia, you're absolutely going to love it. OK, that we moment that I created there acknowledges that Michael expressed interest and then foreshadows something that Michael and I can do together, right, to foster that relationship that friends would do instead of making it an opportunity to brag about how amazing Italy has been as an experience for me. So if you think about the conversation turning to the we versus the me, you're going to avoid this pitfall of making the conversation about yourself. And the more we moments you create, the more memorable you are in standing out from the crowd of boring small talk at these events, at the bar, at the club, at the restaurant, as we heard from Gabe, and even like our client, Chris. So when Chris joined the X Factor Accelerator, he was building out his business and this business is financial advisement. So, of course, getting clients on board would be really helpful for him in growing his business, but can also feel a lot like selling yourself and having to talk about your services all the time. And in looking to grow his business, he was trying to figure out, OK, how can I use all of these skills inside of the X Factor Accelerator to foster connections that aren't going to lead me talking about financial strategies, but instead find some common ground and ideally lead to some referrals and some meetings after the fact, not over some beers at Run Club and he happened to be invited to a cocktail party that some friends were throwing and he focused solely on making we moments, not talking about himself and his business and going down conversations that he knew in the past would feel like salesmanship and instead look for we moments throughout the evening, opportunities to share commonalities, similarities, things that he found in conversation both people enjoyed. Now, these conversations opened up seamlessly and he started to get introduced to other people and those people ended up creating meetings and becoming clients of his well after this cocktail party. But he was planning the seeds at the party by looking for and creating we moments with strangers, friends of friends, potential clients that he hadn't met yet. So it's important to realize often when we're doing this in a professional setting or even when we're doing this socially or romantically, we might have some selfish goals in mind, right? We want to get that date. We want to make that friend. We want to make that connection. We want to grow that business. And in turn, that may lead to you selling yourself. And in that opportunity of selling yourself, you're actually pushing people away. You're making them less interested in you. But if we find the common ground and the we statements create we moments, we actually stand out and become more amenable and allow those conversations to actually blossom into relationships. AJ, I want to add to this as well. I know that we have a lot of young men and and and folks who are getting back into the dating scene after hiatus. And this show has become very important and popular in that crowd because it certainly goes through all of the questions of getting back out there and being a more efficient and effective. When you use we statements in an attraction environment with somebody that you're interested in, as AJ mentioned, they begin foreshadowing, spending time with you. This is a great concept for you to use to see the response you get from somebody that you're attracted to or interested in and wanting to learn more about. If they begin using that we statement back or showing signs of excitement, you can be sure that it's safe to move forward and being explicit about that. And this becomes very important. This is all the cues that you need to know that you got the green light here, fellas. So what you're doing here is you're promoting a sense of unity and collaboration between your conversation partner and yourself. And this is what Agnu and his team found in an article they published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology where they call it the inclusion of the other in the self, meaning that you use plural pronouns to foster the inclusion of the other in the self. So you now have a commitment and a cognitive interdependence in those relationships, which are positively correlated with relationship satisfaction and stability as well. So subconsciously, by using we and us and future pacing, as Johnny was talking about things you can do together in the future, you are creating opportunities where the other person, the absolute stranger, can see themselves being friends with you, being business partners with you, being a prospective client or even being a romantic partner. So starting from the top, we talked about how important it is. Every relationship in your life starts with the conversation. So being comfortable and confident in breaking the ice is an important skill to have in every environment. We introduced our conversation formula, question plus their answer equals a statement on your end to avoid the pitfall of asking too many questions that lead the conversation of dying. And we introduce we statements and moments that create an opportunity for shared vulnerability that allow you to become memorable and stand out from the crowd. What I used to do was before I would go to work, I would figure out a couple concepts that I was excited about and trying out in order to bridge these conversations and get to know my clientele better and make the night all that much more fun. So think about a couple questions that you want to ask that would work in the context of where we're going to be to be going, psych yourself up to put yourself out there a bit more than usual so that you could work through that anxiety and get a few we statements together that will go along with the questions that you can have some fun with and give it a shot. This. Right here, this the question formula and what we went over today is just one of many of the frameworks and strategies that we have in the X factor that we do implementation sessions on for you guys to practice to get fired up. Then we were able to go over the homework and see how things went and make those adjustments. And so just like that, we want to hear from you guys. How this worked out for you and we're excited to work further with you. I know how excited I was to try this stuff and see the results. I know how excited our clients are to try these things and see for themselves. So head on over to Instagram, put your results in the comments and in stories because we want to hear from you guys.