 Hey there everybody, Rifica Slacken here with my husband, Shlomo. Welcome Shlomo. So I'm wanting to record this video for those of you that have been talking a lot about being quarantined with your spouse. You're normally the parent, you have your, you know, your style with the kids, your style of parenting. Suddenly your spouse is home and all of a sudden he or she's looking over your shoulder kind of like pointing things out maybe that you normally let slide that the kids are doing or just kind of upsetting your routine. And I think people are frustrated out there because they thought they had it under control and all of a sudden now it's like somebody else is there ruining things for you. So I'm bringing in Shlomo who is a marriage therapist. He works with couples from all over the world in all stages of relationships, whether it's people that are newly married, people that want to make a good marriage great or couples that are actually in crisis and they're thinking about separating our divorce. So he has a lot of insight and I thought it would be helpful to bring him in on this conversation. So what do you suggest Shlomo? Well, it's actually interesting because when I think of this question, I think I've gotten this question before but obviously that relates to quarantine, but actually regarding to blended families. A lot of times with a blended family, you have the biological parent, the biological parent, and then you have this new person kind of coming in. Obviously, I wouldn't want to say that if you're a married couple that the spouse is completely new person. Obviously, you're in the picture, but a lot of times one spouse is really only home, maybe for bedtime and then on the weekends. And you might have some of these issues already during those times. But thinking about that and thinking about just kind of disrupting everything, you need time to kind of get used to this hopefully won't have to get used to this reality. It won't be the new normal, but at least for now we have to. And it's important to be respectful that this the parent who is doing primarily doing the parenting or has been doing the parenting until now has their own way of doing things and to just kind of step in and criticize or try to change things or rebuke them in front of the kids is not helpful. And it's really not fair. I realize that it's hard to be stuck in the situation and wanting things to be different, but it's important to be respectful of the role that the parent, the primary parent has played till now. That's number one. Number two, have a conversation with your spouse, not in front of the children have to go to bed and say, and of course appreciate I appreciate everything you've done that you do for our kids. Think about some of the really important things. You know, this this is not the time to nitpick over or was silly little things and think about what's going on in the world right now. This is not a time to to argue about silly little things, even though, you know, it's happening. So just put things into perspective. Is it really important that I make sure that you're parenting exactly the right way. We kind of just have to get through the day. Sometimes you just have to like, you know, if you have to put them in front of the computer, put them in front of the computer. That's why everyone's quiet right now. In our house. Yeah, it's like sometimes you just have to roll with the flow and The thing that we learn most in relationships. We always say you have to learn how to be flexible. It's not going to go your way. Your ideal schedule is not going to happen. You can definitely make an effort. It doesn't have to be chaos. But things aren't always going to go the way that you want them. So if your spouse is not parenting the way that you want or you think your kids need to be educated a certain way. And they're going to ruin them for life. Now it's not the time to get on your soapbox and preach. Now is the time to roll with the flow with the punches. If something really, really bothers you make a time to talk to your spouse about it. Talk about how you can work together. And that's what I suggest. So those are great suggestions that that is for a spouse who's coming in. What about the spouse who is the one parenting. What should they be doing to say to their spouse like If the spouse is criticizing them. What do they do so Yeah, I think that making a time and talking about having we teach couples a process, a dialogue process, a dialogue process, but Regardless, making a time when you're both calm when everyone's in bed and say, you know, I know this has been difficult for us. It's been a change, you know, I'm used to doing this and now I'm hearing you're criticizing me for how I handle the kids and you know I know how to handle the kids. I've been doing this for 19 years and we know we seem to be pretty happy. So it's hard for me when you come in and just start telling me what to do or telling the kids what to do or kind of kind of interfering. So I would like to just talk to you about like, what can we do together. To acknowledge kind of what I've already been doing and find ways to implement maybe some of your ideas as well, but without it. Kind of sabotaging, you know, all the effort I put until now because whatever you're doing to whatever routines you've established. This is something that you've been doing for quite a while. And just come in and undermine that is not helpful. So to be able to say that in a nice way, not a not a hysterical way, not a critical way, but just Know from a call from a place of calmness to really share what it is that you're feeling I think that's tremendously helpful. There's so many nuggets in there that you said, like one is, you know, having a calm, clear way of stating your feelings without Any hysterics, but just really calmly asking for what you want sitting down when the kids are in bed private so no blow ups. You know, no yelling or shaming in the room in front of the kids and then really lowering your expectations. This is not a time like you said we're suddenly We are homeschoolers when we are living in a perfect homeschooling world, like we have to really set the bar kind of low here just for survival. It sounds like Yeah, Mr. Like one of my kids today who was like who occupies himself a lot who read for hours like I'm bored. He really wanted to watch something on the computer. I'm bored. Like I'm like, I'm like, I'm trying to get I need a few minutes to get some work done today. Also, it's it's a big challenge for everybody. And we just have to be able to be happy with the situation we have we have and look for the good in each other in our lives and just get through the day until they get to bed. If you have teenagers, that's never Right, right. Well, I think that's very helpful and I'd be curious to hear from all of you watching if you have any questions on this topic of You know how to communicate with the spouse when you're you've been parenting all this time and suddenly they're home with you and they're coming in and criticizing you. You have any questions on that topic or you'd like us to cover another question or another topic that you have about being married under quarantine. Let us know don't hesitate to email us or Facebook message us at the marriage restoration project.com or Facebook message the marriage restoration project or you can also visit our website. The marriage restoration project.com and contact us there to send your question that you'd like to see answered. Thanks for watching. Thank you.