 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan as they have Jonathan as they comment I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic men feel fear when they've met the one Really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly. These are my weekend videos I shoot out of my balcony very similar to the videos. I shoot in my group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and the questions asked in the group I shoot personalized videos just for you. So if you post a question, I'll shoot a video for you and The links below if you want to join the group. All right, let's talk about why men feel fear when they've met the one Well, let's first talk about what oftentimes happens in the dating mating and relating realm Actually, I shouldn't be laughing because it's rather kind of sad is that we many of us experience a variety of different things commitment phobic people People that come on strong and then disappear people that Ghost without any reason meaning they just stop communication all together and the list can go on and on Emotionally unavailable people chaotic people Breadcrumming the whole list and and I say people because I could say men and am I my audience is predominantly women I want to say this goes for both genders Most of the frustration and the dating mating and relating realm isn't singular to men I understand from a woman's point of view it might seem that way, but from the man's point of view We can say the same thing about women So let's just say that it is a mess out there in the dating mating and relating realm and partially because we are Meeting strangers we're meeting total strangers most of the time and what you think back to hundreds if not thousands of years ago most people made it in the tribe that they lived in or the town that they lived in and Eventually in the 20th century most of time it happened at work either where they were let me backtrack that happened when they were The town they grew up in the school they went to or work that was the predominant place and that shifted around the 70s When people when internet dating actually began I remember there used to be this 976 number you could dial up and connect with people and what happened is it shifted the mating process Dramatically and this is why it's incredibly frustrating for many of you because you're no longer meeting people They have a sense of familiarity Sense of familiarity is that they they know your family and friends. There's some sort of roots connected between the two of you So it can seem rather Uncomfortable and let's just say that there's a big difference between men in their 20s and 30s versus the age demographic that I talk about Which is midlife which is after baby making years before retirement So my audience is mostly 40 50s and 60 year olds and the vast majority of people there are divorced Our divorce so divorce comes with it a lot of stuff So someone in their 20s and 30s are like a blank sheet of paper and for us in our 40s 50s and 60s We come with a lot of luggage and it's not just the physical luggage It's the emotional luggage that happens at this stage in life All right, so I just wanted to tee everything up if you watched my video last week I said men who are serious have doubts men who are serious have doubts and what that means is Having a doubt is a good thing. It means that someone is evaluating the relationship They're looking at the relationship not just from the from the premise of chemistry They're looking at it from the bigger picture and if you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg I'm going to show it here to you today if you can see that Above the waterline it says Attraction says attraction here and we can see that the tip of the iceberg says chemistry and Yet below the iceberg which is compatibility is shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity This is where true compatibility Compatibility comes in and you can see how important it is because it's that massive And what happens is as we check the box of shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity This waterline drops and you become more and more attracted because you're compatible with one another Does that make sense? So I'm saying this is we oftentimes because when we're meeting strangers were hyper focused on Chemistry and yet a person who's emotionally mature of a person who's really Intentional a man in particular is intentional about relationship. He's paying attention if you share the same values He's paying attention. Does your lifestyle blend in with his or does his lifestyle blend in with yours? And lastly that emotional maturity piece He's paying attention to see you know Are you a nut job and quite frankly if you haven't seen the video out there called the crazy hot matrix the crazy hot matrix? I will tell you men oftentimes look at women from that perspective of could they be emotionally unstable So I know a lot of you ladies think well men are the ones who are emotionally unavailable because they don't communicate Well, and they're emotionally, you know stunted and whatnot But I'm gonna tell you it's true for women as well Just because you have emotions doesn't mean that you're in control of them And I'm laughing a little bit because this is what's happening from the male point of view and as women you oftentimes see it from The woman's point of view Here's the thing I want to encourage everybody to look at from the point of view of a human point of view and let's stop the gender Narratives and putting so many labels on the genders the way we do and look at a person as a human being riddled with flaws riddled with with Insecurities fears, I mean do you realize that the number one emotional health issue facing people is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likable and this is true of men and women alike and Nothing triggers that like dating and if you've had one experience after another after another that doesn't work out There can be a lot of fear that can be built up So I want to lean in today with a some conversations. I had with many men Recently about the fear when they met someone they actually care about So I want to differentiate basically between two men and there's the men that have and the men that have not Repeat that the men that have and the men that have not now when I talk about men that have they have established Established lives they have established careers. They even have established homes. In other words, they They have built up a good-sized nest egg for themselves Even after maybe going through a divorce or whatnot and they have means Okay, then there's another group of men I call it the have nots that might have gotten like myself wiped out in the market crash of 2008 I mean at one point I was worth seven figures and now I Literally got wiped out and I know so many men that went through that especially men at midlife About a decade ago. Many of them found themselves in a position that they never expected to be in I never expected to be in this place of getting wiped out I know men in the mortgage broker industry and the financial industry and they've had to work hard to just rebuild their lives Just to have some stability in their own life let alone take on someone else's life So there's the haves and have nots And with that I want to talk about the have nots for a moment because the 80% of the US population Makes less than a hundred thousand dollars a year So the reality is that the majority of people might have and quite frankly I believe the medium Asset range for the average American is less than $500,000 of net worth in fact a Significant percentage of people are barely hanging on and they barely have enough money in the bank To just even support themselves as something goes wrong And so why is this so critically important to understand especially for the have nots is that and when I was speaking with a couple guys one of the things one of the men brought to my attention and he's in a relationship with someone he cares about and His fear is I don't bring much to the table. I don't bring much to the table Now from her perspective, I haven't talked to her about that. This is just coming from his perspective So he's feeling a sense of fear even though they're in an established relationship that's three years long They love each other. He still has this reservation centered around the fear that I can't provide I can't provide and it's since you all know that men are supposed to be hardwired To be provider protectors. This is a significant fear with men Who don't have now with the men that do have What's interesting? what What they shared with me was an interesting point of view is that when they're with somebody that they Genuinely care about they say it's real. It's real. In other words, that's what it means by being the one This feels real. It doesn't feel like some, you know, you know just Killing time kind of relationship. It feels real and what they shared with me was something fascinating and This is a fear of making a mistake Fear of making a mistake and what I mean to say is this is a majority of men who have gone through a divorce and they making a mistake. I Know women feel the same way too This is a strong fear amongst men and women alike is that the minute you like somebody the minute you care about someone you might start feeling this fear that you might make a mistake and I'm gonna go off on a tangent here because you might notice my t-shirt I'm noticing it in the camera here. My t-shirt says stay salty and for those who know me know I lost my 19 year old son Connor a few years ago. His nickname is salty and There's now an interesting fear that I'm budding up against and and I'm only bringing this up as this might relate not specifically my Circumstances, but how men or women might be operating in the future By the way my coffee mug oops as it spills says stay grounded stay grounded. I love this mug I was a gift from one of you out there in the YouTube universe, which I appreciate So the fear I have it's almost kind of the same of making mistake, but And I'm trying to eliminate but for my language and I say that frequently is that I Fear putting myself out there from a place of love. I'm afraid of that because in some way I Was abandoned by my child and I know that was isn't true But it feels that way so the minute you put love out there There can be this fear that the love will be taken away And so while some men fear making a mistake some men fear like what I'm Experiencing and I know many of you feel the same way that you're afraid to put your heart out there For fear of it can be taken away This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the inner work It's why I wrote my book what the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway? There's a link below to all the books. I recommend and Well that doesn't Negate this fear doing the self-love work doesn't negate the fear I'm here to say that when we meet somebody that's real we can oftentimes butt up against this fear Okay, so what's the importance of knowing this? There's a big difference between Emotionally mature men and emotionally immature men or emotionally stunted men Remember when we go back to the relationship iceberg emotional maturity is right in there as And then what that really means is the ability to communicate your thoughts and your feelings in a way That's seen heard and understood. I'm gonna repeat that emotional maturity is being able to communicate your thoughts and feelings in a way that seen heard and understood in a very Compassionate way versus a very toxic or violent way which most people communicate when they're emotionally immature But I want to go back to emotionally mature men and emotionally immature men. What's the importance of knowing about this fear is That emotionally immature men who aren't actually serious about a relationship Oftentimes when they butt up against their fear, they run away. They run away and if they haven't addressed their own self-love their own Emotional maturity it's gonna be difficult for them to lean into a solid relationship Whether they have or have not because the ground emotionally underneath them doesn't feel solid The ground underneath them doesn't feel solid. So it's very difficult to build a house or a relationship on ground That's not solid You might be going. Well, how do I recognize this? Well, one of the things I do in my private coaching is when a woman works with me as I teach them to to You know vet for emotional maturity and if you need some help and support on that check out the link below to a Free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you I'll put it in the description Emotionally mature men when they butt up against their fear You may or may not even notice it I'm here to say you may or may not even notice it what I mean to say is it might be a Temporarily pulling back it might be and it might happen multiple times they pull back for an hour Emotionally from the relationship They might pull back for a day from the relationship and you in some cases may not even be know know this because it's happening on a subconscious level on a subconscious level and it's subconscious means sometimes we pull away and Because we're unaware of what's happening and quite frankly most men aren't aware of what I'm talking about here Until they're actually probed like I did with the men that I recently spoke to I spoke to a half a dozen Different guys that are habs and have nots just to get their tape. These are all men in happy juicy delicious Relationships or at least that's the way I perceive them to be And what's interesting is their partners don't know about this fear And here's the thing ladies when you're in the right relationship You're not experienced. You may be feeling fear But you're noticing that the relationship is progressing it has a movement like like it's it's just moving at a Doesn't have to move at a fast pace. It doesn't have to necessarily move at a slow pace But it's moving you can feel it progressing you're not feeling you might feel fear But you're not feeling doubts about the person you're with and when you are feeling doubts with the person you're with That's the time to evaluate. Is this the right person for me? This is why I highly recommend everybody reading the book I keep talking about this book over and over again eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman This teaches you the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship And when you understand the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship, you can actually work on co-creating a relationship together From a very healthy place. Let me repeat that Co-creator relationship together folks. I am not a big I'm not a big proponent of the one up one down Dynamic that we've had throughout history that men are here and women are below them Okay, I know it feels great to feel led But let me tell you something when you leave when you're being led by a person who's not emotionally mature It makes for a very dramatic and chaotic relationship I'm a big proponent of a relationship being like a two-lane street where you're driving your cars together at the same pace of Effort because when that is part of your dynamic when you're actually co-creating a relationship with Intentionality and you're communicating with each other What your needs wants and desires you're gonna have a greater chance for relationship success and I got to tell you something I witness women make this one big mistake with most men and that you're afraid to speak your truth because you're afraid He's going to leave and I'm here to say just to come back to my book one more time Chapter one speak your truth with kindness in chapter 9 if it's sincere and from the heart You can't say the wrong thing to the right guy So when you notice something's coming up in the relationship, please Speak up not from a violent way and when I use the term violent I'm talking about a negative Confrontational way violent means confrontation from a cure from a place of curiosity from a place of co- Co-creating from a place of love because I want you to invite you all to ask yourself What would love do and how would love respond and that's my invitation for you going forward Why do men feel fear when they've met them one because it feels real and when it's real it means hey I've got it to make a decision here And I'm going to tell you the guys who are emotionally mature press forward and the guys who are not usually fade away All right, I hope that gives you some insight into men I'd like to hear your thoughts please post a comment about if you like the t-shirt let me know if you like the coffee mug Let me know I do my best to read all the comments as well as always and if you find value in this video Please share with your friends. Please hit that like button one more time. All right I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic John the bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now