 End user license agreements. The bastard brainchild of corporate lawyers and the makers of impossible to open plastic packaging. We've all seen these things called end user license agreements, or ULAS, or rather we haven't seen them. They're the things we click to get rid of so we can get to the really important business of puppy burrito photos on Instagram. Just listen to this presentation at Google about ULAS. How many people read license agreements when you install software? This really surprised me, so no one here reads license agreements ever. Great. These are some of the smartest software engineers, and even they don't read before clicking agree. The last time someone agreed without reading the text first, Harrison Ford ended up in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Spell. Bad choice my friend. Next time, read the script. It's not just that people don't read ULAS, they can't read them. ULAS are lengthy, boring, and tedious. They're basically season 14 of Grey's Anatomy. You're done, folks. You were done when you killed off an agreement. You're done. According to one study, it would take 244 hours a year just to read all the privacy policies you accept. And that's only one type of agreement you encounter every day. In 244 hours, you could binge watch the entirety of friends three times in a row. Ross and Rachel would have broken up and gotten back together 12 times before you finished reading those policies. And yes, they were on a break. Privacy policies are also relatively short, usually just a page or two. Compare that to Apple's iTunes ULAS. Consumers guide to iTunes, its new 56th page, Terms of Use. Who is going to read through all of that, and if you did, would you even understand it? Exactly. No one is going to understand the 56 page ULAS. The instructions for Monopoly are only eight pages long, and no one's read the whole thing. I'm talking to you, little Billy. Take that hotel off Fenton Avenue. Take it off. It's not your turn. In fact, the British company Game Station ran an April Fool's Day joke of inserting into its ULAS a term requiring customers to hand over their immortal souls to the company. Seventy-five hundred people agree. Seventy-five hundred immortal souls, sold to a company that sells sci-fi games about aliens. Take that, Scientology. Now, because no one reads ULAS, companies feel free to put all sorts of bizarre and ridiculous terms in them. Apple, for example, states that you are not allowed to use iTunes for making nuclear missiles or chemical or biological weapons. And RemixOS, a type of Android operating system once included terms in its ULAS, warning users against spreading rumor, disturbing social order, or undermining social stability. Those are terms that belong less in a software contract and more in Mao's little red book. But ULAS aren't just harmless jokes about immortal souls. In large part, they're about controlling you for the consumers. Ordinarily, when you buy something, you can do what you want with it. If I buy a USP flash drive, I can give it to my friends. I can throw it away. I can fix it if it breaks. I can even slap on a mini-statue of Justin Bieber, and I'm not even sorry. That's what we mean by ownership. But companies don't care about those rights. In fact, they're perfectly happy to get rid of them. Why should I get to make my own custom flash drive when I could pay good money for the authorized license to limited edition Bieber drive? I'll bet it seems to. In fact, cutting off your consumer rights is the very reason that ULAS exists. Here's an interview with Seymour Rubenstein, who claims to be the inventor of the ULAS. Well, the way I thought of it is, I thought of it just like phonograph records. Right. You're on the record, but you're not on the song. Right. And so, you're not on the software, you're on the meaner. Copy of the software. Now putting aside that the creator of the bane of everyone's existence is basically John Lithgow's creepy third uncle. He's got a point. If a company can use a ULAS to cut off your ordinary consumer rights, then the company has all sorts of power to control things. So the question is, does this trickery actually work? Can a company use a ULAS to say, you don't own that product you bought, and you have to use it the way we want? It turns out in just a few days, the Supreme Court will be hearing a case about this. The case is called Impression Products versus Lexmark International. Lexmark makes printers, and it wants to make sure that when you buy a printer, you have to come back to buy ink and supplies. But when you buy an ink cartridge, you'd think you own it. You could do things like, say, refill it with ink. So Lexmark sells its ink cartridges with an agreement. A ULA prohibiting you from refilling or even reselling their ink cartridges. And if you violate those terms, Lexmark says you're actually violating its patents, which could put you on the hook for massive damages. And who is this Impression Products company that Lexmark decided to suit? Some giant corporate behemoth? Impression Products is a family-owned business headquartered out of Charleston, West Virginia. My father started the company, Walter Smith, in 1978. The small family company is in the fight of its life for refilling ink cartridges that it legally purchased. Imagine if you owned a car and could be sued for refilling the gas tank with the wrong brand of gasoline. Or if you own one of these highly collectible Duck Dynasty chia pets. If I want to grow alfalfa on Willie Robertson's beard, it's my God-given right to do so, and no one can stop me. Indeed, if Lexmark and its ULA conditions prevail, it could have widespread effects for repair shops, resellers, and all consumers. As Impression Products attorney explains here. The question is whether or not there can be resale markets for patented goods. And that includes virtually anything. That includes cars, cell phones, any equipment that companies buy and use in their production. If Lexmark's rule is correct, the seller of those goods can say, once you purchase it, you don't have the right to resell it on the open market or you don't have the right to repair it. And the point is, those are rights that are really important to everyone. They seem especially important to this one video blogger. The moment you sell me something, I should be able to do whatever the f*** I want with it. And user license agreements are the devil. They should be banned. Maybe that sounds a bit harsh, but comparing ULAs to the devil isn't that far off when ULAs sometimes claim your immortal soul. It's not just patent law that companies use to strip your ownership rights. For years, they've used a part of the copyright law, Section 1201 of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, to make it a felony to repair or use your stuff in ways that they don't want. John Deere of the Tractor Company has actually threatened farmers who dare to repair their own tractors. And if there's anyone you don't want to piss off, it's people who own pitchforks and heavy machinery. So while we wait for the Supreme Court to decide the Impression Products case, what can you do to protect yourself from ULAs? For starters, you can try to not be like this guy. He just goes, uh, agree, agree, agree, agree, agree. Don't do that. Don't be that guy. But more importantly, we think it's time for consumers to fight back against ULAs. So tonight, we are proud to present the Consumer's Counter License Agreement. Because somewhere out there, there has to be a software company, or printer manufacturer, or corporate lawyer watching this. If you're one of them, this is for you. By watching this video, you agree to the following terms and conditions. If you do not agree to these terms, then you should have stopped watching this video already. And now it is too late. You agree that the number and length of ULAs are too damn high. You agree that no one should be made to accept 56 pages of terms that they couldn't possibly read all of? You agree that I can grow whatever plant I want in my duct-times to achieve that? You agree that terms and conditions written in legalese are unfair to consumers who don't want to spend 244 hours a year reading that? You agree that when I buy something, I own it, and you don't get to say how I use it with your ULAs? You agree that everyone should be allowed to repair their cars, their tractors, and their Justin Bieber flash drives? And if agreeing to this ULAs sounds ridiculous to you, then you should agree that the mountains of ULAs forced upon the public are even more ridiculous. Thanks for agreeing to agree to this agreement. Now please go make your plastic packaging easier to open.