 Yn yw'r Llyfrgei Llyfrgei, mae'n iawn i'i ddweud hwnnw, a'r ymdilyniadau hyn yn unig yma yn yma yn y TV. Mae'n dwi'n dweud yw'n ymgylchedd yma yr ymdilyniad islamol. Ymdilyniad islamol wedi'i sgwrn yn ddigonol yma, o'ch ddweud hwnnw fath o'r llunio'r cyffredinol yn y dyfodol, wedi bod yn rhaid i wedi amlunol, rydyn ni'n gweithio ar Lyfr, a bod yn y peth corell. Dyma'r gydaethol, neu oedd yn ysgrif Weinhawr, rydych chi'nellowio i gyda i'r proses panhwyl y dyffordd, ac yn ystod, byddai'r gwheilion i gwahodd yn bwysig a'r reswer yr hun, yn y ffordd angen i gael ychydig, Sweden, Iraq, Bahrain, Sudan as well. We've also had calls and emails from India, Pakistan, South America as I mentioned last week. And so this week is the third part, part three to discuss Islamic divorce. What exactly happens on the first day after the divorce? Exactly what is undergoing through children? What trials do they face? What are the hardships that individuals face after the divorce? And so with me tonight, we have, I'm privileged to have once again with me, Dr Sayed Amar Naqshwani. Salaam walaikum, Dr Sayed Amar. So honour once again to have you on live as it were on to this show. Thank you. We've had tremendous responses as it were throughout the world. WhatsApp messages, telephone calls, brothers and sisters as it were. We've been inundated by messages and queries regarding your expertise as it were on effect with regards to Islamic divorce now. So with that further ado, I'm just going to start off as it were with regards to the first question now that's come through. How soon can one get married after a divorce? I mean what is the criteria for both a man and a woman? It's a very interesting period when all of a sudden you're back to independence again. For some it's extremely difficult to take. For others they've waited years to have that independence because they feel that they were in the most difficult relationship for different reasons. Now in terms of when one is speaking legally, let's say for example the marriage has not been consummated, and that person can move on straight away. And as we know if the marriage has been consummated, there is a discussion concerning the beginning of the third menstrual cycle, for example, as from that period onwards when a person can now move on, that at that period has to be observed and we stress on this because there are many who as soon as they get divorced imagine that that's it, the moment the divorce formula is pronounced, then I can now move on in my life, even move on physically with somebody else. Then walk away. Yeah and what I think many people don't realize is that no, you have to observe that period known as the Eidda period, the waiting period. And that's normally seen for two reasons. The first reason is possible pregnancy. Now you may have started to plan that I'm going to, you know, this is the end of our marriage and I'm moving on, and you know what, I'm going to build my life again, and you find out a couple of months into the Eidda period that you're pregnant. In a way, this could for example result in a reconciliation. Maybe now that you are pregnant with this baby, and we know that Islamic law does not allow abortion, except in cases, for example, such as the mother's life being in danger, or an unbearable social harm that could even lead to the death of somebody. But when we're looking at this issue, for example, you find that some have reconciled when there has been news of a pregnancy. Yes. Now I know that there are people out there who say, well, there's no way I'm going to be pregnant. I made sure that I looked after all the measures that were needed and the contraceptives were taken in the morning after pill and so on. But you never know. And the reality is that that pregnancy can happen. If that pregnancy happens, then that Eidda period may extend to the day the baby is born. Right. Then there are, then the understanding of the Eidda period also is before you straight away think of moving on, you may, in that couple of month period, suddenly remember the good times you had with your ex-husband. Absolutely. In reality, there is still this recognition of him being your husband, for example. And at the same time, it's going to happen with the husband for the wife, where the husband is adamant that it's time for me now to move on. But there is a sense where is she, where's the lapse we used to have. Although, you know, we may have had moments where we're laughing, moments she's nagging, I'm nagging, I'm tired, I'm lazy. But I still now appreciate the fact that I may never get anyone like her again. And so in that Eidda period, there is a possibility of reconciliation. Many parents, sadly, do not encourage their sons and daughters to rethink the divorce in the Eidda period. Right. That's possibly why the Quran stressed that, listen, even if you've divorced your wife, you keep her in your house, you keep maintaining her for that period of the Eidda. You could change your mind? You could change your mind and maybe you too. There are some out there, by the way, who sexually, they have no problems with one another. But for example, when it came to living together in terms of, for example, the intellectual level, the religious level, they felt there was disparities. Yes, yes. And they still remain amicable. But then you find that there are others who go through that Eidda period and decide that, listen, Eidda period is finished and I'm still adamant on my decision. Yes. And then that person or that couple are both able to move on. Yes. I mean, viewers, just to put things into perspective and context. Dr Seid Amar Naqshwani last week and prior to that as well mentioned about the factors of Eidda, the observance of it, separation, the positive sides to separation. We had also a question by a sister asking, well, can she actually divorce someone because her husband is not practicing? And I think, you know, Dr Seid Amar Naqshwani has, you know, beautifully and eloquently put that together. So we're looking to really put everything in sync now today as well, you know, to really summarize everything going on. So Dr Seid Amar Hamidah from Sudan, which is an interesting text message. She wants to get married to her brother in the community. She's been divorced for five months. But she's, she's a little bit wary of what people might think about her as it were. It's, you know, what sort of, is she going to be looked upon as being, well, she's cold. Look at her. She's just moved on quickly. Interesting. What do you have to say about that as it were? Well, firstly, salam to all the viewers from the Sudan. You know, many great lovers of the Ahlul Bayt, Alaym Salaam in Sudan. With someone like Hamidah's situation. Firstly, it works both ways. Number one, if you found somebody who you want to get married to a few months after you're divorced. Five months. Five months, she's saying. She's completed her Adda period. There is somebody in the community. Maybe there are some who want to move on quickly. There are some who want to get married straight away. All will tell people that, listen, I'm ready to move on. I'm ready to get married. Just because I may have had a very difficult relationship. Or I may have been with someone who we just didn't click. That does not mean that I don't want to move on. And our community should not be judging somebody in this situation. Because, you know, the easiest judgment that one can make is that, well, you know what? She probably has had her eyes on this person for months and that's how they got married. But the community you cannot judge. Ultimately, Allah SWT is the best of planners. We should think good of our fellow Muslim brethren. Absolutely. And so if you hear that Hamidah, who got divorced a number of months ago, has now moved on, that's between Hamidah, her husband and the Lord. It's sad. And the Quran kept on stressing this to the nascent Muslim community morally. When it started to give us the verses in Surah El-Hujorah, Surah 49 of the Quran, such as, Y aiyu ha'ill ydyn nhw amanw. Y chtennwbw cathiram me'n addan. Y nabwad addan nieth. Oh, you who believe, avoid suspicion. For suspicion, in some cases, can be a sin. A person may... And I don't blame Hamidah because Hamidah is probably thinking, I'm going to move on because I'm moving on so quickly. The community is going to say, how could she just move on so quickly from her marriage? That marriage may have been dead years ago. There are different types of marriages. There are some which break up and there are really regrets. Both sides regret what the circumstances do not help. There are other types of marriages where the people had died 10, 15 years ago. They were together because of the kids, for example. Or publicly, they had to show that there are some families who will come out publicly and say, we never divorce. We've never ever had a divorce. In our family, yes. But you saying you've never had a divorce in your family does not mean that divorce A isn't allowed or that B divorce doesn't happen or that divorce may not be right in a certain situation. So there are marriages out there which are dead. So that person who may move on, they deserve to find happiness. They deserve to be around someone who they can actually enjoy their life with. There are certain sisters out there, for example. They want to be in a marriage where they can enjoy certain sports with their partner, want to go out to certain places with their partner, holiday with their partner, and so on. And dying, as you mentioned. And dying, for example, and so on. As you mentioned. And they may not have had that in their marriage. Now, when they get divorced, there's this assumption that, well, you've got divorced now, so you should stay away from marriage or take time out. If a person decides that straight away I want to get married and there's someone suitable, then why not? Yes. Okay, Alhamdulillah. Sister Faiza, she's a convert from China. She's texted in saying, my ex will not stop harassing me or searching or keep searching my private life since we've divorced. He's even threatened to hurt any future partner. What do you advise given the fact that there may be some sort of level of sensitivity that she's trying to exercise because of kids involved as well? I don't think any post-divorce period was ever going to be easy. You're always going to have the possibility that you may be involved with someone who's still bitter about what happened. Bitter? I don't know what this context is. But that person may still be bitter that, you know, why did we get divorced? Why have you divorced me? And cannot take seeing you, for example, moving on or even in states of happiness. Now don't get me wrong, sometimes those who are the happiest on social media are actually the ones who are the most hurt, but they may display a sense of happiness because it gives them some sort of solace and maybe it can be used as a shield for people out there who keep asking them, are you okay? Are you okay? But I think in this situation, it has happened. There are certain people who will stalk you. Don't forget anything, they'll stalk you. They don't want you to go anywhere. And when this person is threatening, the reality is someone has to get involved. And we don't want to resort to police interference straight away, although a threat is something to be taken seriously when someone says, listen, I'm going to come and beat whoever you're going out with because it could just be a case that someone's family member or relative has come home and this person assumes that you're in a relationship with them and could end up being violent. So I think if one is still in contact with their ex's family or knows somebody who's a good friend, to have a word and to say that, look, firstly, Islamically this is not moral, rationally speaking, the masses will never accept such behavior. And we've seen, it's interesting how sometimes there are depictions of this in film, in Arabic films, Bollywood, Hollywood. You'll see the pictures of this where there are people who cannot take the fact that they were with somebody who has moved on. I think in this period requires patience and also consultation of the people of wisdom to try and interfere and to have a word. A word has to be had because if this person, I know some will say, well, it's better that I just don't do anything. But then this person will always feel that, look, no one can mess with me or no one can talk to me. Just as a person has to get involved and have a polite word to say that, look, shari awaiz, this is now ended. You may have not been happy. Trust your Lord and don't keep this level of harassment continuing. The Quran says, Bismillah ar-Rahman ar-Raheem, wala tajas sesu and do not spy on one another. If this person truly is interfering into someone's private life, spying on their lives, looking through the window, seeing what's happening, who's moving and who's moving, this is again far away from the morals espoused by the religion. Okay, thank you for that. We've got a text message from Sophie by WhatsApp. She's texted from Sweden. So viewers do keep up the ratings and do call in. Her question is that she's divorced. She has two young boys. Their dad doesn't ever want to see them now. What do I explain to them is her question. They ask about their friends' fathers and why is it that the real father is showing no interest in meeting them as if it's almost like her thoughts. So what can be advised on this as it were? This is probably the most difficult situation. When a divorce has happened, one side is extremely bitter and takes the level of anger to an extreme. Even saying I never want to see my sons again. As in the story, it breaks the heart. Because, Islamically, he still has to maintain there's a period of maintenance for the wife and the dog. Let's say that period is done. After that, he has to still maintain those children of his. The different schools of Islam give different opinions about length. As in some will say, for example, your daughter, you have to maintain until marriage. Whereas your sons, you maintain until adolescence. So you're the guardian of your daughter until she gets married. You still have to maintain her. There are different opinions that have been posited legally across the board in the Islamic schools. But a person, it's their responsibility to maintain. Okay, you're not going to necessarily be living with your wife. You're unhappy that your wife divorced you. And that the kids, for example, are with her. That doesn't mean that your Islamic responsibilities are to be thrown out of the window. No, not at all. Now, this lady, what does she explain? That is extremely difficult to her. She's got these sons, for example. And when she's got these sons and she has to sit with them. Now, the earlier years may be easy. But there will come a time where these younger ones are going to be asking that, look, all my friends have got their dads coming to pick them up from school. Where's dad? What happened with dad? And it's going to be a difficult situation and it can either be addressed by the mother herself or it can be addressed, for example, by a close family member. But most of it is going to have to be on the mother's shoulders to explain. I mean, it's quite common in the Western society. Lots of children have grown up and are growing up without knowing their fathers as they were. So it seems like this is maybe now moving into some Islamic circles perhaps. Yeah, it rarely happens. But when it does happen, for a lady to have her sons or son and daughter, for example, or daughters and not have the ex maintain any contact and not have the ex even try and call on a birthday at least. Just on a birthday. You see, it could also work vice versa and this is the problem sometimes. It could also be that the mother can instill a certain, even hate towards the husband as well in the way that the kids will perceive the father. So you've got two sides. You've got that father who's negligent and that is the predominant case. But then you've also got, sometimes, those mothers who had their chance to allow the kids to have a relationship with the ex but because that ex did not treat me the way I deserve to be treated, therefore I'm going to take out my venom on that. Absolutely. This is something heartbreaking. That resentment that animosity is now actually taken out on the children. And they're suffering. The children in many cases don't know what's happened. We're not talking in the teens. Let's say the younger ones don't know what's happened. There may still be the odd baba, mama at that young age. Don't let what's happened between you two cloud the possibility of an interaction. You see, Allah swt a la moqallib al-qulub. Ya Allah, ya Rahman, ya Rahim, ya moqallib al-qulub. Allah swt is the one who rotates the hearts. Our hearts are constantly rotating. Sometimes your softness, not for the person, your ex. But rather because you want them to maintain some sort of relationship. Some might turn around and say, do you know my ex was this, my ex was that. Okay, no problem. Even the worst of people when it comes to the kids softens. There's gangsters out there, gangsters. But with their kids, you see him do it on the kids in a way, this guy. Like teddy bear. Like teddy bear. So both sides have a responsibility. True. But as for the father, the father figure maintenance wise, that kid until adolescence at the very least, there is a certain expectation of spending on those children. Am I correct in saying that one who refrains, as it were, from seeing his or even her children is actually causing a form of an oppression. Yes, yes. It's definitely an oppression. Because a lot of people just don't see it like that. The Quran tells us that our children are the zina of this world. But our children are also a fitna. Zina, fitna. If I'm not mistaken, you're looking at the Quran, suratul kehaf, suratul tegabun. One is saying that your kids are a zina for you, a source of pride for you. Possibly a source of intercession for you. Likewise, they're going to be a trial from Allah SWT that I gave you wealth, I gave you health, I gave you education, I gave you family. Those kids, you couldn't call to say happy birthday. Those kids, you couldn't just make an effort to say that, you know what, I want to take them out, for example, on the day of Eid. And I want both sides to listen as well. Because sometimes the in-laws can cause even more difficulty. So you may have this one, for example, the wife, she may be very ready. And then she may have, for example, her dad or mum telling her, don't let him see her with them, don't let him get near them. Okay, hold on a minute. I'm sorry, who's got married? Why are you the one who's now giving that advice? You know, it was only recently someone said to me that they have a daughter-in-law and the daughter-in-law of course married the son and they're a few years into the relationship but she's not happy with the way the daughter-in-law dresses. You're not happy, it's not your marriage. So why are you getting involved? It's not your marriage. Your son-in-law chose her. Likewise, when your daughter and your old son-in-law, when it comes to the kids, don't start making things difficult. It's not your marriage. Your daughter-in-law may end up being pressured. So there's a number of scenarios that emerge, not just the negligence of those fathers and there are a number of them who, when they lock off, they lock off. It's as if those kids did not exist in their life and years later they regret. And I, Alhamdulillah, God has blessed me that I've been able to reconcile fathers with sons on a number of occasions, with God's blessings. And it's one of the best feelings I've ever had in my life when I've been able to speak to a father, speak to their son who haven't spoken in some cases for 20 years. I remember one case six years, other cases nine years. And when that reconciliation has come, that father regretted. But that father will always have a point as well that there was a moment when it could have been done but you were adamant. I'm talking of those who the divorce went through. But sadly there are even those out there who didn't even let a divorce go through and never saw their kids again. Can you imagine there are those out there who sadly been so unjust to their wife? They tell her, I'm not going to give you a divorce. And none of my interest is seeing those kids that you have at home. So she's not divorced, seen as a moalaqa? Yes, yes. And she's got to be around her kids, explained to them where this dad went. Cach 22. It's extremely difficult scenarios. And your heart breaks for those who had to go through that scenario. La hawakwa. OK, Seidna, we have the next question from Shaheen in France. Her WhatsApp question reads, it's hard after divorce to stay with my parents. So she's divorced? It's hard now to stay with my parents. But they will not let me become independent again. Thinking that she's almost like 16 again. Do you advise leaving home and getting one's own place? Possibly, possibly the parents are embarrassed or ashamed wrongly so because of their daughter's divorce. So what advice can you give Dr? First months after a divorce, you got to appreciate that your break-up has a profound effect on the people who raised you. That has to be appreciated. I made the point earlier clear that the in-laws don't have to interfere even after divorce, but you have to be sensitive to the fact that every time they've seen you down, they see you hurt, they see you cry, they prefer to see you crying next to them rather than knowing that you're somewhere else alone because I don't care who it is. Loneliness can destroy a human being. Can destroy them in a number of ways. There are some who've gone through very dark places because of loneliness. There are some who have no one to reach out to. Sometimes after a divorce, if your parents are saying, listen, stay at home, you may be thinking, well, I used to have been independent, go out any time I want with my friends and so on. Now my dad's adamant that I should be there. You haven't completely lost your independence. Let's be clear. All you've got is your parents whose heart broke for you. That's what we're trying to build. Understanding that lower the wings of mercy for your parents in these moments. You're going to get that independence back anyway. But when your mum and dad are turning around to you and saying, listen, we'll help you with the kids, we'll help you with the school run, we'll help you with all of this, they're telling you because their heart bleeds for you. I think sometimes that patience is required with our help. Alhamdulillah, thank you for that advice. There's a sister. She's given her name Rahima as alias intentionally. She's divorced and wishes to know can she do moda without her parents permission? She's divorced and she wants to know can she do moda without her parents permission? That's the first part and there's a second part coming up after that. The first part, the answer is that if the marriage has been consummated then she can do moda without her parents permission. What if she's divorced but there was no consummation of the marriage? If there's no consummation, differences of opinion. Ayatollah Sistani maintains the opinion about asking for parents, asking for the father's approval as the guardian. Whereas you have, for example, someone like Ayatollah Salaf Rouhani who's quite open to the fact that even if there was no consummation you can independently make that decision. What they all agree on is if you're living an independent life where you don't rely on your parents for anything monetarily and so on then you can make your own decisions. But the preference is towards the guardian. There's another sister here and this caller she's actually texted in from Germany. A brother approached me for moda while knowing that I am divorced. People have known that she's obviously divorced. Is it not shameful that we have to resort to this? What does the Ahle Sunna mother, or school of thought, why does not the Ahle Sunna mother not allow this but we share allow this so easily? So what is he? Well, a person who's divorced is independent. The whole idea of the approach being easier is because of the fact that when a marriage has been consummated you are no longer in need of the guardian's approval for who you have a relationship with as long as you're looking after the laws which have been prescribed for you and following them. That person approaches you, you're entirely free to say yes or say no. It's like any marriage. In her mind she clearly thinks that this is probably a form of degradation or why are we resorting to this? I don't know why it's a form of degradation if someone thinks you're quite attractive that they want to be involved in a relationship with you. I don't know why it's degradation and if you yourself don't agree with that particular lifestyle and you don't want to follow it, then don't follow it. Ahlu sunna do not permit because there is a recognition or a belief that the temporary marriage was prohibited. Now whether it was prohibited in the time of the Prophet or prohibited by the Second Caliph that can be debated on another occasion. These are different legal opinions of different schools in the religion. However, they may have other forms of marriages such as the Orphi or the Messiar which talk of maybe for example engaging in a relationship when travelling or engaging in a relationship but not necessarily a fixed term. So within Shi'ilaw, if you're a divorcee say there is a sister now she's divorced. She was involved in a relationship, she may have one child for example from that relationship. She can be involved in a relationship at any time. There is no obstacle, there's no need for father's permission, there's no need for Maulana, there's no need for witnesses, there's no need for anything of that. What there is a need for is for one to agree a time period that they are together and to give a dowry. Once that's done now, something important here. While on the technical level this is something which is permissible within the religion of Islam in terms of the Jafari school there is no doubt that there is emotional attachments irrespective of those who say they won't be. What I mean by that is when someone is going to do temporary marriage you're a divorcee and you want to do a temporary marriage you were in a relationship for 10-12 years with the same person and now you want to move on and you want to engage in temporary marriage. There has to be a recognition that as long as everything is done in Halal it's entirely up to you what you want to do but doing something in Halal doesn't hide the fact that emotionally the person you are with may not be the one you're going to be with forever. That person, you may assume that the person the time will be could be the one and it could be the one because what other way are you going to get to know each other without it being haram otherwise you're going to have to go into a world of that which is prohibited. So now when we're looking at this method there are many out there who for example will engage in the temporary marriage with somebody who is divorced. They might both be divorced for that matter and if they're both divorced and they engage in a temporary marriage during that period of the temporary marriage they may want to see whether there is that attraction whether there is that click but let no one be fooled. Okay. That there isn't for example a case where men will enter temporary marriages without any emotional feeling whatsoever purely physical because if you remember the companions of the Prophet peace be upon his family when they first talked to him about the temporary marriage they're saying do we castrate ourselves and then he says no engage in a temporary marriage for three days for example. Let's say. So there is a reality that some divorced ladies imagine that when this person I'm doing a temporary marriage with when this person is with me that means they're going to door over me they're going to keep calling me they're going to be crazy about me. No. You may actually realize your ex-husband did more of that than this person. This person may not be interested in marriage. There was a quote once that a lady says I want to marry a guy with a six pack and then someone said well there's a reason those guys are not married. They don't want to sell them because they... They don't want attachment. They don't want attachment, they're looking alright and so on. Some live in this assumption that you know what when I get divorced the grass is greener on the other side some deserve to see that grass because they've been in the worst relationships by the way and anything can be greener but then there are others who imagine well you know what I can be with any guy now and then when you are with somebody it could be two situations it could be with someone who you both agree that look we know we're not going to get we're not going to for example live together forever but we enjoy each other's company one has needs, the other has needs and you want to be together but for a lady to understand this can sometimes be extremely difficult you see if we're talking even in the West there are certain shows on television that talked about how divorced woman would prowl the streets of New York for example or prowl the streets of London for example and they'd be with younger guys and they'd be with good looking guys and their heart will still break and those guys will still move on and those guys will still not be able to commit so some have the assumption which can be false that I'm divorced I can be with anyone there is a good chance that emotionally the man doesn't have any and for men to lock off their emotions something extremely normal it's not surprising whatsoever that men are able to just shut down and just have purely sexual relationships but for that lady who may have been on the backdrop of a difficult marriage for her to see that again may make her think twice whether she wants to engage in a temporary relationship right where's the wisdom they're saying now moving now to Australia Razia she's a divorcee and she wants to ask can she do muda with non-Muslims or non-Muslim marriage a Muslim female cannot marry a non-Muslim and when we say this I say this with some difficulty because there are non-Muslims out there who are better than us let's be frank in some cases more trustworthy in some cases less envious in some cases softer hearts so I don't want to demean another religion or their beliefs when we say that a Muslim woman cannot marry a non-Muslim man it's normally recognised that the man is seen as the head of the household the leader of the household the one the kids will be affected by one's beliefs may be affected by now I'm not going to say that's everywhere because Europe and America can shatter that sometimes I think generally in the world today if you're still looking at Africa, South America the Middle East they're still with that type of world view now that lady therefore she can definitely get to know somebody okay who let's say she meets somebody at work now she's a divorcing she meets this person at work he says I'm Christian and she wants to show him the path as he was yeah and she wants to explain the rich of South America that person converts for example towards the religion there is no harm in them engaging in the motor there is no harm in them getting married if he has converted now some will say you know they only convert because they want to do the nikah you know sometimes you'll get your token rever to comes for a nikah at the mosque and in some cases he doesn't have a clue about the religion of Islam but he's he's besotted by this girl and which words do you want me to say in Arabic so we tell him the words the guy does the nikah after that day he hasn't got a clue what's going on in the faith probably he's in some cases his business isn't even the most religious person in the world therefore he's not really going to be inspired if his own business is miles away but still we cannot judge no if that person has recited the kalima the shahada, the words the formula for entering or submission to the path of Islam then that person has joined the social melu of the religion he is part of the Muslim community and it's not for any of us to make a judgement let's be clear but for that divorcee lady of the Muslim community to be involved in a motaw and you know I have many messages on this can I be in a motaw with a non-Muslim can I be in a motaw with a non-Muslim and sometimes people are blatant in their messages is there a loophole to be in a motaw with a non-Muslim I'm sorry but there is no loophole if there was a loophole I would tell you but there is no loophole Islam is adamant that marriage for the female would the non-Muslim is something not allowed okay so viewers we're going to be going into a short break please do call for questions 0203 51501 9 you can also whatsapp your questions 07 939 917 163 also if you can kindly donate to the channel mum was saying tv can I only put productions and tv content and have such prolific guests such as Dr. Siedemann Akshwani with your help so please do donate generously so see you soon Asalaam and welcome back to tonight's live show Islamic Divorce part 3 Dr. Siedemann Akshwani asalaam and just going back now to a number of questions so the next question that we have is where does one go from matchmaking when divorced with children it's near impossible I suppose saying that this is applicable for both men and women what barriers are there if a divorced man or woman wishes to ask for more personal questions without offending the potential suitor so the first part is where does one go from matchmaking I think there's good organisations in our mosques or that there are people who are members of the community who are brilliant at bringing people together it's not going to be easy no one said that post divorce things were going to be easy sadly this is one of the rules of life that after a person has been involved in divorce their fault not their fault there's always going to be a question as to why that relationship for example broke and and I always stress that don't be despondent wherever you do don't despair of the mercy someone says what's the difference between despondency and despair one is you begin to tell everybody I will never get married no one is going to accept me another one you have it in your heart but you don't tell anyone there are two types there are some who for example have it in their heart that I don't think this man for example will ever come I don't think I'll find the right person there are others who will say openly that I'm never ever going to find this right person don't despair and don't be despondent there are some who went through terrible divorces difficult divorces three kids, four kids and then within a matter of a year they found someone who was happy to be with them and their kids who was happy to build a relationship with them because they recognized that they had a special person who maybe someone else did not show their appreciation to that that person for example should have deserved if you have that trust wa mayatagillahi ydw i'w jaellagw'u maghraja wa yarzuqhw'u me'n haith wla iahtasib whoever is conscious of Allah swt presence in their life he will open for them doors and provide them with sustenance an amount that you cannot imagine that you cannot count that you cannot even tell the secrets of what you have what you have what you have that you cannot even tell the secrets of where it's come from you see if there are for example some out there who feel that since their divorce is difficult for them to get married there is a dua a supplication for rizq which we recite after salatil aishaab and this supplication when I say supplication for rizq for many people at the moment they hear rizq they straight away think it means money may Allah increase your rizq money dollars, pounds, euros what many don't realise is that sometimes the greatest rizq you could have is health sometimes the parents good friends wisdom, knowledge wisdom, knowledge ma'arrafawf ahlil beit these are the greatest forms of rizq but also finding somebody who becomes a backbone for you in your life yeah in that dua after salatil aishaab I recommend everybody married, not married, divorced whatever recite that dua every day after salatil aishaab Allahumma inna hw leisallu al mwy mwy mwy mwy rizqi wa inna ma'a tluwh bwch atarát ti'n techthrw'r walaqan fa aghulw phi talabihil bwldan fa anafi ma anaf talibw'n cael hayran la edryf wa mwy mwy mwy mwy wa mwy mwy mwy wa mwy mwy mwy mwy wa mwy mwy mwy this one's application is when a person acknowledges I don't know where that sustenance lies whether it's financial whether it's a future partner who I can see some of my dreams with but one thing I know is with you ya Allah it could be somewhere in the sea in the skies it could be on the earth it could be you know in public, in private I don't know where my rizqi lies I'm not sure but one thing I know oh God you're the one who can make it easy for me when you face this situation and you're like the community does not make it easy for us where am I going to get married if I'm divorced and I have a couple of kids it's sad that injustice is done to certain ladies where people presume because they're divorced that they're the worst human being in the world in many cases they are a pleasure to be with a joy to be with a wonderful human being a soft hearted person but who just wrong end of the stick bad situation trial in some cases from their lord as there are prophets and imams who face trials in their marriages but also at the same time I've got to be frank about this if you're comfortable being independent at the moment then be frank about that so maybe you're enjoying your independence not having a guy around maybe be frank about that don't let your mom and dad force you that you're not married yet if you're enjoying the independence don't bring someone into your life then number two the question was asked about what questions do we ask without being imposing as it were because I'm sure people instinctively assume and rightly so they don't want to get stung again and they want to do their homework there's a chance you'll get stung again let's be frank about this there's a chance that we will be stung again I don't understand why everybody will assume that because you've had a break up you can't be stung again we don't know how the system of trials works there are some of us who have been involved in relationships and a relationship breaks and you regret it and then you'll find somebody special in your life who you absolutely love being around there are others out there who assume that let me ask a hundred questions because I've been burnt and therefore because I mean but I can't blame them psychologically that burning remains I wasn't an abusive relationship I wasn't a relationship emotional I wasn't just physical where I was constantly put down and therefore the first time I'm put down by somebody else it reminds me of that yes but there could be even two completely different human beings there's a put down from somebody who's arrogant there's a put down from somebody who loves you but cares for you so one of the biggest problems as well is when you want to move on but it's you're unfair to the person who you're trying to meet because you're judging them by the barometer either of the previous one or by the failures of the previous one very well said so there are divorces who had great chances to move on and have a great relationship with somebody else but when they've wanted that more that chance they compare and you've got to complete with the front people moving to the next question the viewers Dr Seid Amar not trying to be beautifully and very eloquently recited that door as it were after Salata Ishaar prior to that he mentioned verse 2 and 3 of Sula Talaq the divorce which is in itself a great thicker so Dr Seid Amar a question here I have been divorced now for over a year and have three children who are Bali my teenage kids do not wish to visit their father as he often tries to manipulate them against me lies and threatens them my question is what rights do they have does their father still have to provide for them if they choose not to visit him but still respect him so it's a really good question he has told them if they don't obey him or are obedient to him that he no longer has to provide for them so there's emotional blackmail perhaps at coercement a number of different factors in this I think these situations these situations A the ego of the wife and the ex-husband the ego has to be shot down these kids do not deserve to be so confused and so agitated at that young age it's very sad when we hear stories like this Q Al manipulate that child against her she'll manipulate that son against me this is not the ethics of the religion of Islam and we have to keep on stressing the line this is not the ethics of the religion of Islam because either we're Muslim or as the Quran says that there were people called the Arab who just didn't care about what Islam had bought when it came to their own laws and their own customs the tribal Bedouin Arab now this situation the father has to maintain those kids and the kids have a duty to show obedience towards their parents the father has a duty to maintain them and somebody has to come towards an amicable agreement it will not be reconciled between the father and the ex-wife for example his ex-wife because they already have a bitterness towards one another but there is still a need to maintain the relationship from both sides from both sides now this father unless he's somebody who's blasphemed Allah and the Prophet and someone who's cursed God and hates the religion doesn't want to be near that's a different story you have somebody a difference of opinion with the way you lived your life there should still be some sort of communication should there be some sort of mediation because in his mind he may think you know what I'm going to play on that verse don't say off to me and there are people like that and therefore it's a form of almost blackmailing someone so should there be a situation when it comes to a divorce and children is different and that's why when it comes to child custody in Islamic law after a divorce in the past for example there used to be the classic opinion that if you divorce the kids go with the mother up until the age of 2 for the boy up until the age of 7 for the girl then there was the opinion of no at the age of 2 both the boy and the girl leave the mum mum and go back to the father then you hear of an opinion both when they're 7 the boy and the girl are to go back where to the father after the age of 7 and in Lebanon this caused difficulties and issues because you know Lebanon has got wonderful diverse plurality of schools of Islam living together in true faith and in terfaith and you've got the Jaqfari school which is represented in Lebanon as well and you've got the Sharia court and so on for the Jaqfari madhab and there were a number of divorcees who were adamant that why is it that in Shi'i law child custody I'm a divorcee, my 2 year old has to go to that ex-husband of mine if it's a boy 2 year old girl has to go towards my husband why? I'm a mum these are my heart walking outside my body what's our children the heart of a human walking outside their body and what you found is the question arises why is it for example some of our great Maharaja said that when you are divorced the mother can keep the child the child which is a boy until 2 and the daughter until 2 or 2 and 7 or 7 and 7 or some even said the children stay with the mum until the mum gets married so look at the varying opinions we have about custody of the child in Shi'i law why is this the case because each case is different okay sorry but each case is different and I agree with that I'm not disputing that at all but surely going back to something that we discussed in show 1 and maybe even 2 the living standards of where one resides does that play a factor so for example if one is living in Najaf Bahrain on and then living here one or two people one person one of the spouse members may disagree with it to hell with that I'm not having that I'm not going to give my child away as it were according to what happened so do you think that has also because I think that also psychologically well one of the major clashes that you have is that you can use the legal system of a non-muslim country I think there are many out there who will go towards the legal system of a non-muslim country knowing that listen in many cases the non-muslim legal system the woman will have the greater the rights now morally resorting to the non-muslim legal system on such issues when you could have resolved them amicably with the Muslim community some will say which amicably our Maulana won't listen to a word that we say others say that the Maulana knows his family he's no way going to be for example looking after us but my main point is child custody after a divorce is not restricted to one particular classic opinion right but rather Imam Al-Baqa they would have had looked at each case in its context okay contextually that father is arrogant drunkard etc etc this is the answer contextually that person is not a bad person but the kids shouldn't go through this so everything is contextual so now if we have a divorcee out there and she has a 2 year old boy and a 7 year old girl and Maulana has turned around for example and said that the opinion is 2 years that boy goes to the dad that is not the set opinion there have been opinions the idea was that the kids stay with the mum until the mum remarries now she I law generally you'll find an opinion that when the mum remarries the kids go to the father now this is not necessarily something which has to be in every case because you've still got cases where fathers can be extremely difficult or even far away from religion now you're going to put these kids in their house the kids can be affected but we know very well that when it comes to the age of maturity from that age onwards they can make their own decisions or make their point clear before that the husband has to make sure that he protects them so now we have a number of different questions Salam I have previously texted in about a problem a problem Maulana in London he this weekend sent me divorce papers dated from 3 months back he has unilaterally terminated my marriage without my permission or consent and knowledge my wife was caught having an affair and I divorced her for this reason he has ignored the significant fact and issued a non-fault divorce what does it say or think about this practice and what can I do what is a non-fault divorce first of all say that well with these cases we have to both sides before we begin to put judgements because divorce for a Maulana can be a nightmare because divorce for a Maulana if you give an opinion it can be a case it can be a case where you have taken one side and the other the other side is completely angry with you if you found that there is a case where you have been oppressed then go to the office of the marge where you reside in London for example you will find that maragia have got their offices you go there and present your case and also make clear that this person I believe has made a mistake in this area speak to him check why has this happened I think this is what needs to be done ok ok usually when women get married they have to leave their hometown to be with the husband and his family some even have to move to other countries and give up their families some years later the husband divorces his wife and his family also abandons her but due to the children she is now stuck and faces a hostage type situation what do you say about this oppression on women and children after divorce and the man moves on and remarries this entering into marriage no one said was going to be rosy and no one said people are not going to change people change and no one said both of you spiritually have the same level there is a strong possibility that things can become sour I am broken no doubt when I hear of how sour things can become because certain people have been treated abysmily but there is always a way in which you can receive help this is something that I believe I encourage more there are many ladies victims of domestic abuse emotional abuse, physical abuse there have to be hostels and shelters in different areas that are able to cater for them when they are alone that sister for example imagine your sister gets married to somebody and they live in the stick somewhere where you guys have to take a nine hour plane ride to go and visit them now imagine a divorce does take place Alhamdulillala in many cases you are able to for example at that moment say that you know what come home we are booking your flight home but there are others who have no one they have nobody who can help them at that moment and we need to recognize this and there always have to be local mosque endeavours programs, organizations which seek to care for those ladies remember the Quran in Surah 58 the Arabs used to for example he doesn't like his wife he used to insult her by saying to her you are to me like the back of my mother a lady was insulted like that by the name of Khawla Surah 58 of the Quran and Surah 58 of the Quran begins Allah hears the cry of the pleading woman who complains about her husband and I believe that there are many ladies out there who no doubt have been put into positions where you it's very difficult to win because if for example you've settled in a city for 15-20 years your kids have grown up with that language and then all of a sudden he abandons you because he's found someone half your age it's a difficult moment because what do you do because the kids what do you relocate with the kids where do you now start learning from and when it brings us to for example the discussion about maintenance this is a major area absolutely absolutely we have another question while respecting Islamic boundaries within a mixed yet conservative environment what is the ideal way to approach or show interest in the opposite gender or potential some cases just go directly in some cases go direct and say that I have an interest so I went to Musa for his daughter Khadijawwad the Holy Prophet or in other cases get a good friend to maybe have a word and see if there's any possibility we'll just come back very quickly to the next WhatsApp question but before we do we had one waiting here my ex is a drunkard is it true that my kids go to him when I move on this is from Hoda it's a difficult one because the assumption is that as soon as you're divorced as we know for the first two years definitely with the mum and then as we said earlier that if the boy for example gets to the age of two some had the opinion that straight away the mum has to give it to the dad but the dad is somebody who's a drunkard no way somebody who's the judge of Islamic law will accept that custody goes to somebody who is of that type of character okay okay um we've spoken about bitter divorces and children you know being sort of having resentment as it were um we had a bitter divorce but my ex she has made my kids hate me is this acceptable does Islam talk about any amicability and we've obviously spoken about that but if you want to elaborate anything else then we'll move on to the next question um my ex badmous me to the whole Diwarki community um and has even exposed our bedroom secrets what do you advise on? after a divorce craziest things happen and if you had a bitter one then don't be surprised if you're badmous but one thing I always say is there's two sides to the story um you know even if you think that you are right there is a reality that there were certain things which you did wrong yes there's always two sides of the story now there are going to be people who are going to hate you whatever happens there's going to be people who are going to badmouth you whatever happens if you can get through the first couple of months after a divorce you should be fine they'll find somebody else who they'll go after who they want to destroy right right now just in terms of continuing from um maintenance as it were um you've mentioned about the ages as it were going into various marriages, offices, opinions and so on and so forth um but also what we've had is a question coming back as it were in terms of how long should my husband maintain me if I am unmarried that's the question here that's come back if I remain unmarried and I have children how long does he have to maintain his responsibility are the kids his responsibility in relation to you as the wife is up to the period finishes okay there are discussions in Islamic law for example about the husband maintaining a provision for his wife should they die you know should the husband die there should be a provision maintained for a year others say for a few months but in terms of the idea of alamony for example within it's an interesting one if someone actually writes a paper on this you're looking at the case that firstly what you have is the dowry let's look at this so you've got this dowry which is agreed upon and when this dowry is agreed upon in some cases the whole dowry will have to be paid if a divorce happens if it happens without consummation then half is to be returned the other half is to be kept by the lady and then you've got for example in the idda period food, clothing for example the shelter that is to be maintained in that period after that if for example let's say somebody contributed to the furnishings of the house the wife then that amount that was contributed for example the furnishings the furnishings all go back to her she's the one who paid for that if for example you two are both invested in her there is a contract where both of you have invested for a property then again there is a situation where the judge of Islamic law has to sit down and see how much did your wife put in some turn around and say all these years the I have looked after him and all of a sudden I receive nothing from him sadly sometimes that's the bitterness of divorce there are there is the verse about maintaining the wife the maintenance say there is no consummation which has occurred and there is a maintenance which has to be observed by the husband and then you've got the scholars some saying it's recommended to maintain others saying there is nothing about maintenance post divorce really the intermediaries for maintenance are those kids yes absolutely those kids are the ones who you as a father still have to spend on and that wife in reality that wife is the one who is looking after those kids so there has to be a conclusion which is reached now some will turn around and say I'm not going to do this Islamic way because that doesn't get me anything I'm going for the full 50% which the non-muslim legal courts allow me I want 50% of everything whether someone like Imam al-Salaam would have recommended us to seek the opinions of the non-muslim when we could have resorted to the opinions of Islamic jurisprudence and scholars that is something a burden that you're going to have to bear on the day of judgement that I disregarded what Islamic law said and wanted to get the law of the land in some cases the law of the land has to be used because if you've got joint mortgage account and you've purchased this and it's in your name and you've put this much in then yes there is a provision that has to be insured but in terms of monthly payments and so on that would normally be the agreement that the courts have come to is it recommended that a woman or a family or guardian does not ask for high dowry that it is her right to demand at any time just staying on this topic we've heard recent cases of brothers who've been left with nothing but at least the dowry safeguards ask for the sake of the women I think that's why there are people out there who will want a high dowry from the person who's come to propose for their daughter because they're like listen you put something up front you're taking this commodity excuse the language commodity but Islamic legal terminology it really is you're taking this commodity I want the deposit I go to a car show room now and I want to buy a car they're going to say to me that make sure you put down a deposit and likewise when it comes to this issue this is the reality there are people that will say listen 10,000 pounds now another 10,000 upon completion of divorce for example all will return to you 5,000 if you don't consummate for example and so on and so forth and there are something 10,000 some 15,000, some 100,000 some a million there are some sometimes you look for example in Iraq there are some brilliant youth who cannot get married because of the extortion dowries now Imam al-Baqir aley salam talks of the worst of times being when someone asks for a high dowry but some are now using this to say that wait if I'm not going to be maintained and I'm going to be doing everything for this family but that shouldn't be the intention when you enter that marriage look I know things go sour I know there are trials but that should never be the intention intention is look my lord I'm going to try my hardest I hope he tries his hardest we're going to try to make this work sickness, health, good times bad as the famous introduction would be if someone was in the church for example to a marriage nikkah ceremony and if it works it works it doesn't work it doesn't work there are some husbands who are cheap skates there's no doubt whatsoever as cheap as you'll get who will ensure that every loophole is pulled for them not to maintain the wife and the kids mind you those types of husbands I think even if my Mehdi came will not contribute to any of his campaigns so you have that type who are completely neglectful of their duty and you have to feel sorry for those ladies who not only are divorced not only have to maintain their kids but also have to go on earn a living and balance all of that it can be extremely difficult ok sorry for jumping the gun as it were we're getting humorous what's happening and that's why the questions are moving sideways as it were salam I know someone who is divorced separated with children who are old enough now between 10 and 18 years of age they started using the mother's maiden name as their surname as their surname is there any ruling to this islamically I have heard we cannot remove our father's surname I'm not sure if this is correct please clarify you want to use your mother's name there is no issue there but there is still a biological attachment to your father someone gets adopted by somebody and they can easily take the adopted name but the reality is they have to maintain the name of who their original parent is so you could do that have your mother's maiden name for whatever reason you cannot deny parentage ok ok I have been married for a couple of years with no kids my ex has cheated multiple times behind my back he has also attempted to sexually assault my family members do I still need him to give me a divorce we have been living separately for a year now I've spoken to a sheikh and the sheikh has contacted my ex but he says he wants a legal divorce now my question is is legal divorce good enough or do I need to still get an islamic divorce so the sheikh who you've contacted if he sees that your partner is not maintaining you whether it's physically or financially he should arrange the divorce and get it done ok ok so they're really coming in fast now salams in some cases of divorce women who often get the right to children in the first seven years take children away from the biological father especially in developing countries where culturally it's difficult to force Pakistan in India in such cases what advice would you give such women who are now suppressing the rights of a father and their own children please use the alias nazish like I said it's very difficult when someone has been through a turbulent relationship and remembers all the bad memories but don't let those kids be destroyed because of your feelings great it's not easy growing up in environment knowing your mum and dad were divorcing your mum and dad fighting bitterness and there are a number of ladies out there who have tried their hardest to contact husbands and very rarely is the opposite way but if it is the opposite way then for the sake of Allah s.a.w.t the day of judgement and for the sake of pleasing the family of the prophet in the sense that they taught us through all trials try and look at the bigger picture try and soften your heart okay you know I remember a scene in Safin the water is with Muawiyah and he won't give a sip of it to the army of Imam Amir Al-Mu'mineen yeah but when Imam Amir Al-Mu'mineen has the water he cannot bear to see the animals in Muawiyah's army thirsty ahlul bayt aleyne salam taught us certain valuable lessons even though people have oppressed them taking their rights which many ladies feel that the ex has done they try to find a way to build for the better okay and even sometimes when you feel that you're part of a community maybe that has not observed their rights with you there was a first Imam of yours who lost his rights but when you needed advice he was the first to stand up and help so let's take from their examples and look at something a bit bigger it's not easy it requires a real struggle to have your kids smile with someone who hurt you so much but soften your heart for those kids sitting there unfortunately unfortunately we have run out of time there was a few more questions so viewers hopefully inshallah you've enjoyed this show do call in again next week and please do kindly donate to any Imam Hussein TV the telephone number again for donations is 0203 515 0109 from Dr Sayyed Amar Naqshwani and myself Muhammad Ali s-salam aleikom and see you again next time inshallah