 So one of my contemporaries recently posted this exact same title with a phrase that I thought was warranted some discussion and let me just say that what he shared in his video was an absolute rant with respects to this phrase However, I have a little differ. I have a twist on this So let me share you the phrase that he had a rant about and then I want to share you share with you my Perspective with a slight twist not so much the phrase he used but something else men use that are absolutely Confusing and quite frankly sometimes are just downright lies So what he shared in his video was the phrase when a man says I'm not looking for a serious Relationship I'm not looking for a serious relationship. Okay now Certainly, that's a phrase that is a major red flag when a man says that now ladies Let me just say something about red flags though. There's a big difference between a red flag and a deal breaker That's right. A red flag and a deal breaker a red flag actually means ask deeper questions That's what a red flag is So if a man did share with you that he's not looking for a serious relationship It begs to dig a little bit deeper on what he actually means with that But today I want to share with you the more common phrase men say That is actually can be incredibly confusing and is actually a deeper red flag than the men red flag Excuse me not red fly a red flag versus the men who say I'm not looking for a serious relationship Okay, so before we get into it I think it's really important to identify the three active types of the three types of men who are actively dating today These are what I call the users the spenders and the growers That's right the users spenders and growers and if you're not familiar with my chart on this I think it's it's it's important that you look into this But here are the three types of people actively dating today Roughly about 20% of the population are users Roughly about and this is not a fact This is merely an opinion to a 60% are spenders and the last are the growers and the builders now The users are those people that seek a short-term game Love bombers gold diggers and title people selfish people all they care about their own needs. That's the users then the spenders Those are the people that seek Condection companionship and sex with no direction uncertainty. They're fearful about Relationship they have a dysfunctional life and lastly are the growers and builders roughly about 20% These are the people that seek a long-term relationship. They're emotionally grown up good relationship skills. They have their act together. All right Reason why it's important to recognize the three types of people who are actively dating is that? 80% of the population are either users or spenders Okay, very small percentage of the population are true growers and builders These are the people that genuinely want a significant relationship They want to build a life with someone they want to either live with someone get married Or maybe they might want to do what's called living together apart. Okay now I'm primarily talking about the demographic. That's the over 40 category again for those who follow my channel I'm a midlife dating and relationship coach Those are people that are after baby making years and before retirement and that's a unique Population because men in their 20s and 30s are often times seeking a wife or the mother of their children and Certainly with the demographic ideal and roughly about 75% of singles who are over 45 years old are divorced and people that gone through divorce it's like an unraveling of the tapestry of their old life and Many don't know how to integrate someone new into their life. Okay. Are you ready for the really confusing phrase that men say? well, here it is and This is a phrase that needs to be scrutinized because when a man says to you I am looking for a relationship But you might even say I want a relationship or Worse he says I want a long-term relationship and I why I say worse is Did you know that when a man says to a woman what I call? Relationship talk it actually could be a ploy. It could be a lot downright lie And let me give you an example of what I'm talking about Let me ask any let me ask some of you or all of you have you ever had a man say to you I'm looking for a relationship You began exploring a relationship with him. You went out to a few dinners You had some you spent some time with friends Maybe possibly maybe did some social activities hobbies Maybe some mutual interests you had sex together and then all of a sudden this you know for the first few weeks It's kind of takes off and then it's the slow fade and then he says to you I'm not looking for a serious relationship. Well, wait a minute You told me before you were looking for a relationship and now all of a sudden you're not looking for a relationship Well, ladies, isn't this quite confusing how a man can say I'm looking for a relationship And then all of a sudden say I'm not looking for a relationship. Yeah Obviously his his Verbiage that he said to you is he's just not that into you most likely and that sucks Especially when he went on to this trajectory to saying how amazing you are how wonderful you are I'm ready to be in a fully committed relationship only to do with the turnaround See here's the confusing thing about the phrase. I'm looking for a relationship. The word Relationship is ambiguous If it's not defined, that's right. It's ambiguous if it's not defined For example, you might be thinking the word relationship means this You're looking for something where you spend two three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities hobbies mutual interests Spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in your personal and your professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together getting married That's what you might be thinking his his terminology for the word relationship might simply mean I Just want to see you at my beck and call see without defining the word Relationship it's incredibly confusing and this is why it's a red flag and remember I said red flag means asked deeper questions Because here's the reality coming back to those users those spenders and the grower builders See, it's not just what they say, but you actually evaluate have to evaluate Is this person even capable of a relationship? So when a man says I want to relationship I'm looking for a relationship. Well first we have to define What it is that means to him you got to ask the question? What does commitment look like for you? What does a relationship look like for you? Now you might start by expressing what it looks like for you remember my my rhetoric is you know the Social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends you have to decide that for yourself Sadly many of you are in a relationship. It's a cyber relationship. You spend more time texting on the phone than you actually spend time getting to know one another through Physical bonding with one another, but that's a whole nother conversation So I said first you have to define what does a relationship look like for this you ask him What does a relationship look like for you? By the way, there's an I'm gonna throw a little curveball in here You might always ask a man does anybody else believe they're in a relationship with you That's always a good question to be asking But the follow-up question once you've decided what a relationship looks like the follow-up question is this and Is really to determine if he's capable of a significant relationship So how do you determine if he's capable of significant relationship? Well folks? I created a coaching by the way right here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach Is right for you by the way in the description below you can click the link to schedule a call with me My whole coaching program is designed to teach you what questions You should be asking based on your personality to determine is this person Matching what you desire in a relationship. Are they capable of a relationship? But more importantly are they emotionally mature enough to be in a healthy happy relationship? See those users and spenders those users are people in it for the short run those are the guys who love bombers Okay, the real challenging demographic of the spenders and why are they called spenders? It's because they want to spend time with you But they're not capable of a significant relationship because their life is in chaos They have emotional traumas that have not been healed They have residue from their past lives that they haven't really addressed and what happens is is They use you temporary they spend time with you to fill their own needs Without the capacity to build something deeper and I'm here to be your big brother I wish I could be there with a shotgun on a first date point at the guy's head saying what's your intentions with my little sister? See, there's no Consequences for using people. There's no consequences. Think about that Now folks we have to recognize what's changed in the last hundred years or really the last 20 to 30 years is These days we're meeting absolute strangers. We know nothing about Rarely, do you know anything about the person you're meeting other than what they've told you see think about this? this is like a matter of fact if you were going to hire somebody for for a prestigious job Would you take their resume on face value or would you check their references? See here in the dating realm, we have very little capacity to check someone's references unlike 30 40 50 years ago Most the time you knew somebody who knew like even when I got married my my now ex-wife She knew one of my close friends. It's not how we met We actually met through a dating site, but she knew one of my close friends and actually turned out she grew up And she grew up she went to the high school that was right next to the high school of mine Turns out we had a lot of mutual friends I could find there were there was like no degrees of separation between the two of us these days when you're meeting total strangers and you know nothing about their backstory other than what they've told you You have to do a better job of being a detective whether you like it or not You have to be a detective because this person that you're investing your heart in You're investing your heart into someone who's saying nice things to you that's taking you out. See romance clouds judgment I've often said romance should be reserved for those people in a significant relationship Not as an entry point into a relationship Think about that for a second Romance should be reserved for those in a significant relationship Not as an entry point into a relationship and yet most women love the idea of being romanced But guess what it clouds judgment and in the early stage of dating your discernment means Everything raise your hand if you've been used by a guy Raise your hand twice if you've been raised used by two guys Raise your hand over and over again if you've been used by men and what I mean by use what I mean by being used Has a man said to you all these nice things Expressing an interest to explore a relationship only to do the double-take the turnaround the pulling back the ghosting the disappearing See whether we like it or not. It's a small percentage of men That are really capable of a healthy relationship just being capable of it and then they also have to desire it So men who are capable of a significant relationship Typically want a significant relationship They're very clear that they want to either move in together get married at some point in their life or they're very Intentional about wanting a serious relationship and their actions demonstrate it See these are men who will actually want to spend regular time with you I know many of you are finding yourself in what I call cyber relationships. You spend most of your time texting one another Believing you're in a relationship with someone. I get it Many of you are in long-distance dynamics. I get it. Listen There's my picture of my sweetheart and I long-distance relationship. Let me tell you we are the exception. We're not the rule What made our relationship the exception or exceptional as I feel is We were very deliberate. We made during a hundred keep in mind We had a 1700 mile distance between the two of us in a hundred day period We were physically together with each other 45 of a hundred days give or take 45 days out of a hundred that's literally if you lived around the corner that would be seeing each other every other day Many of you are engaged in long-distance texting Relationships you barely see each other you have and by the way, whether it's long distance or right around the corner I know someone I was talking to someone recently that they're dating a guy that lives Half-hour away They see each other once a week once a week is like is like a turtle's pace to get to know one other But Jonathan, I'm so busy. I don't have time for a relationship. Well, guess what I Want you to think about this for a second The best way to get to know someone is to live with them The second best way to get to know someone is go on a two-week vacation with them our current methodology of dating is just like you know is just I call it trying it on for size you see each other a little bit you go back to your respective homes You see each other a little bit you go back to and it gets long drawn out See, you really don't get to know someone until you're actually in their environment So you actually spend time with their family you spend time with their friends to see if they're legit or not and It starts very early on by being discerning and as I said earlier romance clouds discernment So coming back to the the phrase that's actually a med Confusing phrase that's actually a red flag is actually when he says I'm looking for a relationship Because without defining what relationship is You could find yourself you're thinking of relationship like this and he's thinking Relationship like this and guess what that space in between is called drama drama drama Because one person wants more Is this sinking in is this resonating? Please let me know if it is please hit that like button Please share this video Please subscribe to my channel and by the way in the description below are all these links to schedule discovery call with me To follow my group to join the membership group here to follow me on Instagram And all the books I recommend and don't forget my book What the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work all right? I think this will be a great place to take a break and ask time to take questions if you have a question for me write the word question then post the question there after or you can Purchase a super sticker super chat if this had value for you Please purchase a super sticker super chat all the monies go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley He's my son who passed away a few years ago. There's a picture of him right there in His honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman process and insight Institute just to name a few All right, and again if you're watching the replay purchase a super. Thanks. All right. I thought I saw a question pop in so let's take a look here Bear with me everyone Okay zen gal says red flag My guy asked to marry wait my guy asked me to marry him less than three months in I said who yeah He's great, but I didn't feel like I knew him six months and I'm still in the slow lane So is this a red flag? Well So I think when a man is excited about someone you could feel like he wants to marry him marry you It's not a red flag. Okay when a guy on a first date says oh my god. You're the most amazing person I ever met There's no one like you you're so different so unique blah blah blah. Oh my god I see us getting married and then he does the I'm not ready for a serious relationship Well, when someone says that on a first date I'd say that's probably a solid yellow close to a red flag Someone says it three months in no, I don't consider that a red flag That means he likes you and wants to explore a relation think about it a hundred years ago people got look at my sweetheart Marie Her parents got married in 12 days of meeting each other And that wasn't uncommon back in the day now Does that mean you should get married? No, it doesn't mean that But certainly that's a good sign that someone is expressed marrying you now really you have to look at what actions Correspond after this are you actually building a life together? Are you co-creating a relationship together? I highly recommend reading the book I haven't talked about this book in a while Spiritual partnership a journey of authentic power while this is about the individual journey To to partnership why I want you to read this book is it's a great It's a great Foundational piece to build partnership with someone now. There's another book you may want to consider Where is it? Here it is Now this is a business book called the partnership charter how to start outright with a new business partnership Why i'm suggesting this book is particular is when two people decide to join together in business They actually make agreements with one another This is your responsibility in the partnership and this is my responsibility in the partnership It's a great book for businesses that can be absolutely applied to relationships So just off the top of my head. Is it a red flag? Maybe a yellow flag But again red flag simply means ask deeper questions. So zen gal. Thank you so so much for that All right, let's keep swimming Let's keep going here. Let's keep going here. Sheila raw. I think I saw the word question Please go back to my message question near the beginning. Please type that in the beginning Oh, yeah, do you have a question write the word question so I can see it easy easily Okay, Sheila Roth wrote the question Guy don't okay guy Doesn't bring his phone on first meeting on a first date. So is that a red flag or being considerate? Oh, that's a good one. I'm not sure I've ever heard that You know, I think people who put their phone away put it on silent on a date are very considerate people If he says he didn't bring his phone um Now might I had a reaction? Could it be a suspicious thing? Could it be that he doesn't want, you know, like maybe he's married and doesn't want the phone to ring That's a possibility. But I would think someone could just turn off their phone in that particular case. So I'm not sure It's a sinister thing. I'm just speculating here But um, and I would want to give the person the benefit of the doubt But it could be something sinister like The person's married. They don't want to, you know, but I again, I would think they could turn off their phone So I'm not really sure about that one Uh, that's just my two cents on that. Sheila. So thank you Uh, Cass writes question What if you're both invested in each other but your partner has past trauma that he hasn't really dealt with Which leads him to shutting down when he's feeling emotionally frustrated Well, this is a very common tale. We do have a significant percentage of the population If you're not familiar with my chart on emotional maturity relationship skills roughly 20 This is not a fact. This is merely an opinion I believe 20 of the population has clinical issues of some sort, whether it's narcissism Sociopath the list goes on and on and while I say 20 of the population is emotionally healthy and has good relationship skills The vast majority of people are dysfunctional Why are they dysfunctional? Because they have childhood wounds and adult traumas that have gone unaddressed And they bring that baggage of emotional trauma to a relationship And many people don't have the skills to actually communicate in a way to be uh, seen heard and understood or actually How to have the the the bandwidth to express themselves Because they're guarded or oftentimes closed off. So with that said This is a really tough one. I'm a folks. I'm a big proponent of co-creating a relationship my my sweetheart and I once a month do We do something um, where we actually do Therapy with one another we actually when I say therapy it's a version of of Of of really examining our relationship each month. I say it's therapy because we unpack the relationship We talk about the nooks and crannies some of the frustrations we feel We talk about the future how that would look and we do this on a monthly basis And making sure we're on the same page and this isn't just you know, we have vacations planned and other things But this is meant to strengthen our relationship by having deeper communication If someone's incapable of that They might just be appreciating your company, but they're not capable of going any deeper That's just my quick thoughts on that gas. So I hope that helps Um, well, okay, so what okay, what's the solution for gas? I would say you know what I would invite going to a therapist you know Early on in my relationship with with marie. I actually called someone we got on a three-way call because I wanted to process Something about our relationship and I wanted a third party to be involved in the conversation I think it's healthy to ask for support And if someone is on is is reluctant to seek help Then how really committed are they to the relationship if they're not willing to seek help? So that's my two cents on that one. So thank you so much gas all right Question If he used to have cash if if he used to have casual sex a high body count Two timing whereas i'm a virgin and he wants to be my boyfriend with no sexual marriage Should I believe him? Can a playboy become faithful? Well anything is possible. So yes, that is absolute possible. Is it likely? Probably not but listen if you're together a year and he hasn't you know, if you're together six months And he hasn't pushed for sex then he's probably legit So I think it would take a good three to six months to see if he's legit So, um, you know, can up can a playboy turn his colors? Yeah Absolutely. I used to be a serial dater and I turned my I turned that around so absolutely. Yes, arthur Hope that helps um I want to thank jess For becoming a new member. I'll post that in a moment. I just want to thank you so much patty writes question What does it mean when you are in a relationship and the guy barely communicates? I feel like i'm not a priority at all You know, I had this happen to me once I dated a woman Who is interesting she wrote these beautiful emails to me. I'm just with a lot of depth But when I was with her she was incredibly shy It began to bug me. It was like I I had to like you know It was like I had to pull the conversation out of her and it was driving me nuts so, um I eventually dated for six weeks. I eventually ended the relationship. I said this just doesn't feel like it's working for me Oh my god, the next day I saw on facebook. I dated another narcissist. Okay, but that's neither here nor there um, it's not fun dating people who don't not what's You know who barely communicates. What's the point of being to me? Okay, let me give you an example. Okay My mother and father before my mother passed away. They were married 66 years and I think um, my mom was around 80 she died at 88 And um, I came over their house one day and I noticed the tv wasn't working. I go Mom dad. What's going on with the tv? They said, oh, it's um being you know, the cable company is coming in and changing the lines I go and they're used to watching there Was it a wheel of fortune and jeopardy at seven o'clock? And then it was usually lifetime channel or something like that And I said, what do you guys have been doing, you know without tv and she goes I've been talking to your dad I'm like great So, uh, I came back a week later and I see the tv isn't on I go Hey, what's happened is the tv working? I might they go. Yeah, they fixed it a couple days ago I go, why aren't you watching tv and my mom said I'm not done talking to your dad? Let me tell you something As we you know the whole point of relationship is having in my opinion as we get older is having someone to talk to That's the whole point I mean besides the sex and the companionship and doing things together Having your best friend Is what it's all about it's friendship on fire So if you don't have that kind of if you can't talk to this person like your friend Then it's probably not a very fulfilling relationship. Okay. I hope that helps patty Jessiness one of our new members just writes question if a guy admits there's an us but says he doesn't like labels What does that mean? Well, guess what? You don't like sex until You're you call me your girlfriend I don't like sex the I don't like the label of sex are actually performing sex until I have a commitment from someone I think the most bullshit line is when someone says I don't like labels. Well, guess what? This book has a label it's called a book and it has a title associated with it This cup has a label and it has some writing on it my telephone. It's called a telephone What would you call it if you didn't call it a phone? So everything has labels and when two people are together Defining the relationship creates clarity So no labels is no clarity. Okay. So let's say you had three bottles In front of you one was wine one was beer and one was cyanide all the bottles look the same Which one are you going to drink? And they told you there's a one and three chance you have to drink and there's a one and three chance You could be drinking cyanide But it doesn't have a label. Well, guess what? Relation if you if you if this guy wants your vagina, then you have every right to establish What is the purpose of us getting together? Is it for your benefit or is it for my benefit? That's my opinion on labels. Anyway Jesse, I hope that helps Sheri Lynn says honestly, I think you give amazing advice. Thank you so much Charlene writes Question this guy said he liked me and he always wants to come over. I said no, I prefer to go on dates there's not really a question there but You know what I have a different opinion on that, you know, I think hanging out Can be just incredibly satisfying as dates I actually now I'm a big proponent of physically doing things out in the world But I'm also a big proponent of hanging out And talking with one another and exploring the nooks and folks Most of you know, I hate small talk. Okay, I'm going to share with you a meme right now Okay, this is the meme I hate small talk. I want to talk about adam's death alien sex magic intellect The meaning of life far away galaxies music that makes you feel different The lies you've told your flaws your favorite scent your childhood what keeps you up at night your insecurity and fears I like people with depth who speak with emotion with from a twisted mind. I don't want to know what's up See, I'm a big proponent of hanging out just as I'm a big proponent of going out. Okay Now again, I like balance. So that's just my two cents on the subject. You have to do what's right for you Okay, charlene All right, alexander writes question Long distance we cannot start a relationship like that He invited me and my son and dog to come stay with him but says he's not ready for a relationship What does he want at his place? Well, that's a good question. What do you want? You you don't want a relationship, but you want to in its long distance. You want me to come out with my child How about you come down to my neck of the woods and we coming back to let's go out for dinner What's your intent folks? This is where we have to ask deeper questions. What is your intent? Where do you see your life? Do you want what does a relationship look like for you? And the follow-up question there is why don't you want a relationship? Don't you want to have monogamous regular sex with someone that you can build a life with Let me do that again Don't you want monogamous regular monogamous regular sex with somebody you can build a life with that's a question How he responds will be jewels based on his response. So alexandra. That's why I would approach that one all right Jessiness thank you for becoming a youtube member I always give out shout outs to members with a big gigantic jonathan bear hub jessiness. So thank you And leaps in the house as well Leaf says no phone call could be could be that some way could be have could they have someone But first time is probably respectful. However, this is the person who didn't bring his phone However, two who had phones on silent found out was married and the other was in common law So go slowly and um and possibly run, you know what? I always like to text people right before A date just as a quick little follow-up if they come and say I don't have my phone Again, it's could it be a red flag? Yes, it could be a red flag But again, they could turn off their phone too All right kelly writes question How can I gauge if I'm being too picky versus having standards of expectations? Uh You know pickiness might look something like this You're five foot two and I refuse to date someone who's under six foot two That's being picky given that only two percent of the male population is over six foot two that'd be in that An example of picky I'm not big on expectations, but I am big on standards for example Actions matching words. That's a big standard for me actions matching words. I'm also a big Fan of people who have victor consciousness and not victim consciousness A lot of people are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. That's a standard. I I prefer that That be met. I'm not big on expectations, but picking this is like okay When marie first came to my place um I'd been in this apartment for seven years and you know the carpet was old it was I you know unless they changed it out. I had a shampooed once a year and it wasn't enough She didn't like it. She didn't like it, but it wasn't a deal breaker for her See not like if it's something that you just simply don't like But you want it to be different that's being picky In my opinion when it's things you can't change about a person that's being picky But then again, what matters most is your standards actions matching words, that's a that's probably the most important standard to be evaluating in my opinion Okay, thank you. Kelly. I appreciate that D writes question What kind of questions can you ask to have deeper relationship? um, you know Folks if you're not familiar with the gotman institute. I highly recommend getting something called card decks card decks you can go to google or play store or Apple store gotman institute gotman card decks c a r d decks d e c k s Okay, so date questions. Uh, oh here's sex questions What does being aroused feel like for you? What are some of the sensations? What can I do to help you feel more aroused? Oh, that's interesting What can I do to improve the experience of the of your orgasm? After you have an orgasm, what do you need from me now? These were the sex questions for those in relationships, but card decks has a gazillion questions To help you out. So I hope that helps there d Zen gal says labeling poison analogy was great, you know, I came up with that on the fly But I really like that there's three bottles. You've got beer wine and cyanide, but it doesn't have a label Neither does our relationship and guess what that relationship is that could be cyanide because it doesn't have a label Thanks so much then gal Jennifer lee writes question What a man a man who is jewish However, does not practice his religion or celebrate any holidays of any kind not even birthdays anniversary Seems like a joyless life to me Well, that's a judgment to assume me well first off That's a projection to assume me as a joyless life. Okay Some people don't recognize their culture. Some people don't recognize their religion You know, I'll be candid with you. Um, I was my parents are from istanbul turkey And growing up I I actually was embarrassed to be turkish not only embarrassed A shame, but I was scared to be turkish. Now. Let me explain why So when I was 12 years old here in los angeles My my parents and I went to go spend time at the turkish council general's home and I spent time with his children And we had a great weekend together We had a great time we played and a week later the council general died from a bombing at his At his office him and the vice council general. I can't remember this was around 1970 74 Something like that in los angeles. I don't remember the time I remembered at that moment. I was scared to be turkish. I was scared to tell anyone I was turkish for fear of being bombed I had that fear growing up for for 30 40 years of my life I had this fear of ever telling anyone I was turkish Because of the judgment certainly after 9 11 I was reluctant to tell people that my parents my my parents were on the european side anyways They weren't on the middle east side or the the asia side not that that matters But you know, there's this bias this judgment so There might be a deeper story there jennifer there might be something that might be worth exploring Because his reluctance might be because of a wound that happened in his childhood And for me it took courage for me to share it publicly with you because Folks, you know, I carried a lot of shame for probably 30 40 years Didn't make me a bad person. I didn't have a joyless life because of it I just had a wound that needed time to heal and maybe jennifer He's in the same boat. Can anyone relate to this? Could do you have a wound from your childhood? Raise your hand That was so deep that it's caused you to maybe withdraw from your religion to withdraw from your culture I don't I think this is more common than you realize jennifer. So That's just my rough two cents on that one. So thanks so much Uh, it doesn't say question, but i'm assuming this has a question. Oh, she typed it later Dating a guy six dates now don't have a lot in common, but he treats me nicely He even told me I could ask him for dates. Do all men cuddle kiss on dates? I do like him makes me laugh Yeah, my first date with marie. We cuddle with each other. We kissed each other That's a very common thing when two people feel a spark. They feel chemistry. That's a very common thing You know, I I talked about this in the video recently about kissing You know kissing is a very intimate act Okay In fact, I talked about this in the video on sunday. Does anyone remember the movie? pretty woman You know, julia roberts plays a sex worker And uh, and she says there's a rule no kissing on the mouth because it's too personal You know, I think we I I don't think you know, I think we look at kissing as both intimate And it's an expression of affection. Okay. It's intimate. It's an expression of affection Um, could we kiss someone and get highly attached to them? possibly Certainly when we have sex with someone we can get very attached to them So I don't think it's a big deal that it happens on a first second or third date But it it's all a bit not but and you just have to do what's right for you. Um, you don't say, um You know, he treats you nicely. You don't have a lot in common That's not a good sign if you don't have a lot of common but you know Folks, why is it called dating? Dating is an evaluating period to see if two people get along with one another to explore a relationship And it sounds like you're on the right track. So there you go. Good luck with that one Tanya writes perhaps phone is off so their location is not tracked. Oh, that's an interesting one all right Wanda writes I sent a new friend request to a guy that I thought I would like to get to know How long should I wait for him to answer? Or nor sort of regret it now I sort of regret it, but I'm trying to get out there Um, here's the thing I get friend requests all the time. I don't acknowledge most of them So it's not about you know, you if he responds great if it takes him a day a week a month or year You deal with it when it responds if it never responds. See in other words, you don't The fact that you reached out to him great And then you just you know, you what was that wrong code commercial set it and forget it you set it and now you forget it Remember that oven that you that you set the temperature and you forget about it because it's automatically going to work for you That's what you do in this place. Wanda You just set the intention and then you move on Okay, I hope that helps Susan uh question What if my partner who I'm intimate with and I see one to two times a week With past dramas willing to do therapy with me, but his ambition level and future capability lifestyle is uncertain Great question. So the fact he's willing to do therapy with you is a great sign At the end of the day though, it's funny. Marie and I were just talking about someone she was in a relationship with It turns out their lifestyles weren't compatible with one another You know, he just had a different scheduling to his life. She had a different scheduling to her life You know, sometimes two people aren't a fit because they can't blend their lives together If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg Okay, folks, this is my relationship iceberg Above the water line is attraction. That's chemistry because it's the first thing you see Compatibility is is shared values blendable lifestyles and more importantly emotional maturity Now the fact that he's willing to go to therapy is a great sign So you really have to do more exploration on the lifestyles. Wait, I might make sure And and finding out if you share the same values and if it's uncertain guess what you do You ask more questions. That's what dating is all about It's a fact finding mission to determine if two people want to explore a relationship together Folks, you know, I've been talking a lot about the show the indian matchmaker Or indian matchmaking on netflix These are men and women who are intentional about being seriously in a relationship with someone And the matchmaker says look if you can get 60 percent of what you're looking for That's a great start because you can build on everything else, you know, listen Marie and I aren't perfect But we we both come to the table with something that I think is hugely hugely hugely important for a relationship And that is an agreeable personality. We both have agreeable personalities We we are very like we're very, you know, it's not She just sits back in her feminine energy and I do all the leading No, we take turns, you know leading what you know where we need to lead in this relationship And the other person is very agreeable to one another Agreeableness being a giver being having kindness having empathy having good character your actions matching words being playful and fun being intentional These are all the key ingredients to a healthy happy relationship. So if you have those ingredients you can build on the non commonalities Look it I know you you think of compatibility like you like sushi me too You like stand-up paddle board. Oh my god. I love doing that. You like the rolling stones. I've seen them in concert five times We're so compatible No, that's just familiarity Compatibility at the end of the day is are you willing to work on making the shifts to blend your lives together? That's sincere compatibility. Is this thinking in is this resonating? Please let me know Leaf puts out a request. Please hit the like button still only three likes and the 198 people are watching Yes, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new Evelyn weiss says question Oh, we already talked about that one. Thank you so much ah Tatya says Tatta says question you recommended taking a year out to do a deep dive into personal growth and spirituality However, I'm afraid to put dating on pause for a year because I'm getting old your opinion Well, I'm not sure if I depending on Okay If someone has some severe childhood wounds or adult traumas Taking a year after a relationship ended Is not a bad idea Okay If if you're just blanketing saying taking a year off to work on yourself keep in mind I you know Four seasons to work on oneself isn't a lot of time But the same time we oftentimes need a break to be disconnected to detox from somebody that was in our life So taking a year off and and the thing is look I have I have a client who's 78 years old 78 years old She's got five guys dating. She's literally dating five men right now. Okay. She's got I mean she is like betty white I mean she's got him coming out of the woodwork So I don't think you're 78 years old if you're in your 60s, guess what? There are a lot of people Falling in love in their 60s getting married getting engaged So I would say taking a little time to heal oneself is always a good strategy If it's coming off of a serious relationship. Okay. Hope that helps Elise writes I'm on a dating site guys keep asking for my number. Of course. I do not give it out What sign should I look for? Now if that's okay Well, Elise The first phone call is the first date if they've asked for your number What's wrong with that? That's how you get to know someone if I mean How are you gonna eventually meet them if you don't exchange phone numbers and talk on the phone schedule a date with one another? Folks this this methodology of everything via texting We got to stop it. We got to stop it. Stop it Let's go to a version of actually the first phone call is the first date So if someone if you've exchanged a couple emails with one another couple text messages jump on a phone call 10 15 20 minutes Maybe maybe a couple of them and then see if it makes sense to go out with one another That's my invitation for you All right Ah Question when do I ask him if sex is all he wants? We haven't gone to a third date third base, but have made out I want a relationship not a fling By the way, if you say to a guy coming listen go back to our title This kid infusing phrase is a major red flag If you ask a guy all he wants is sex. Guess what he's gonna say to you No, no guy's gonna be honest with that. He's gonna say I want a relationship Why aren't you asking the deeper questions go back and watch the beginning of this video I talked about this at length about the intent of asking deeper questions And if you need some support with that schedule a discovery call with me There's a link below to see if working with a coach is right for you. My job is to help you Craft the questions you should ask based on your personality to determine if you're right with someone and I can help you with that All right, we're gonna take one more question Oh, let's see crystal Is it normal for a man not to have introduced you to his kids after seven months of serious dating He had a bad marriage and he says he he is his way is He weighs things to be different You know, I think it's a tricky subject About children. I think it depends on the age of the children but more importantly how serious the relationship is So my suspicion is you guys are casually dating with one another You're getting occasional companionship occasional connection occasional sex But the two of you aren't building anything folks Let me say this if you're in midlife It takes three months to figure out if you want to explore a relationship with someone No more than three months if two people have spent a lot of time together in three months And they clearly state they want to explore a serious relationship with one another Then after that time they should be introducing the children somewhere four months six months in at the latest But you have to define what it is the two of you are doing That's the deeper question I'd be asking because the fact he hasn't introduced you to his children means you probably are getting a He's getting a cash occasional companionship Occasional sex and occasional connection All right. I think this will be the last one for the evening. We'll see Can you do a second youtube channel for some of us that need more work on your book self love? I can't afford professional Unemployed any suggestions. Oh my god. There are gazillion free videos on youtube, but I'm just going to make a simple suggestion Purchase the book the Hoffman process This is a deep dive into healing child. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of all the books I recommend this a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas Okay, now I went to this This was eight days working on my stuff. This this could take you Six months to do all of this. Okay could take you three months could take you two months could take you a month But I would you don't need professional coaching this book is a requisite prerequisite For those of uh for those who want a serious healthy happy relationship Is this teaches you how to genuinely heal or at least begin the healing process to your childhood wounds and traumas? Okay, rebecca. I hope that helps This will be our last one for the evening. I think Is four years too far apart in age when you're both in your 60s 64 68 Absolutely not it is not too far apart. It's that's that's a no-brainer. That's easy Uh Let's keep going here question What about a guy that says two people don't need to know every don't need to know every day where they are red flag um You know, this is a tough one because I I think because we're meeting total strangers these days There's a lot of mistrust and it's it's it's certainly well placed mistrust I think to to be mistrusting is certainly Valid When you when when it's a total stranger so but I don't like keeping tabs on people either You know, it's funny So my girlfriend has a tesla and she we added the tesla app on my phone And I can see where she is when she's in her car and I jokingly say I know you made a left turn here I made a right turn there Now we do it because I'm usually driving her car and when we go charge it and that sort of thing But I don't like the idea of keeping tabs on someone I understand why we might need to be doing that, but I'm not a big fan of keeping tabs. So that's just my two cents on that Um This is uh from leaf. She says idea use discord It's a safer than phone number exchanges that you can talk Even long distance without any fees keep your number private Uh till you feel comfortable folks. I have a google number. That's another option to give out a google number um That you can literally you can get probably dozens of google numbers. I'm I'm assuming that so Um, I would definitely check that out google number or try what leaf says is discord All right Let's see moran. Okay. Here's this will might be our last one for the evening I'm dating a guy. I'm dating with a guy long distance relationship for two years now I'm a divorcee suddenly feeling a bit withdrawn and wanted to stop the relationship due to my past marriage How do you deal with this? Well, wait a minute I'm a divorcee feeling a bit withdrawn and wanting to stop the relationship To my past marriage. Well, you know, these are questions you have to ask yourself You know, you're in a long distance relationship. Probably doesn't feel very safe. You you're coming off a divorce the Divorce you're feeling a bit withdrawn. Is that fair to him? Ask yourself. Is it fair to him? If you have to take a break from the relationship take a break from the relationship I mean the fact is you're probably not seeing each other very much You're just talking on the phone all day, which is quite frankly folks I'm not a big fan of of long distance relationship. Yes I had a long distance relationship but in a hundred days. We saw each other 45 days Before we made the decision to move in together So we we did a lot in a short period of time long distance is a long drawn out version of Of cyber relationships, but at the end of the day, you have to make that decision for yourself. Okay All right Hey, you know what folks? I think this would be a great place to wrap up Did you get value out of this conversation this confusing phrase the most confusing phrase is not when a guy says I'm not looking for a serious relationship. The more confusing phrase is I'm looking for a relationship because How he defines it might be different than how you define it and red flags simply means ask deeper questions Is this sinking in is this resonating for this? Please hit that like button Please share this video with friends. Please subscribe to my channel in the description below You could schedule a discovery call with me You can join my membership group. Uh, you can follow me on on youtube's membership channel You can get my dating vows. All this stuff is in the link below All right, we're gonna wrap up today's videos. I always do first off give myself a big gigantic jonathan bearer good self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love as well. That's okay I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear pillow There's a teddy bear give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love And let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank tanya and sherry and rebecca and leaf and mizan alayna and corny cob and sheila and lisa and charlene and crystal Uh and our new member everyone. Thank you so much. You be well. Bye now