 Welcome to dare to dream. This is Debbie dashing her and yet another installation of the show I am back from Costa Rica as many of you know who were Watching and listening and enjoying some of the interviews I had with the people at Rhythmia I did go to Rhythmia, and I did do four nights of plant medicine And I'm just keeping it real is one of the most incredible Experiences in my life. I'm definitely going back So if you're interested in going on a trip to another country a beautiful country at that Heller monkeys and sloths and all sorts of amazing animals We haven't seen before in the flora and fauna and the temperature It's just a gorgeous country really nice people, but if you're interested in doing some deep dive into healing Let me know just PM me and we'll get you on a list Of course, everyone's going to be vetted by Rhythmia to come back But if you haven't heard of it go there, and if not Rhythmia calm slash link slash dashing her or even easier Rhythmia. I Just don't think there's a calm there I think it's a Rhythmia, but try it Rhythmia slash link slash dashing her either way you'll get to see this place It's stupendous and and for those of you have been following all those interviews It was all that more and I plan to do some aftercare after plant medicine journey interviews as well So I just also want to thank our sponsors to the show. We love you. We appreciate you Dr. Dean here and access consciousness if you're ready for really tremendous energy healing out in the world And you don't want to do 90 years of work with anybody, but you want some change now Go to dr. Dean here He r.com as well as access consciousness calm They've got classes all around the world product services. They are so worth checking out I know in my life that there are times when I have to have tough conversations Most of us like to back away from them because why would you want to piss anybody off? Why would you want to experience conflict? And I think maybe the biggest bugaboo is abandonment That people are really afraid if I should open my mouth open my trap, right? I open this mouth And say what's really going on for me. I'm afraid you're going to leave me So I've got somebody here who is an expert and it's going to be able to address this because his expertise amongst many other things is Those tough conversations. So I ask you what is the hardest conversation you can imagine having? And with whom And furthermore, why are you even holding back from having that talk? Is it something I said is there's something else you'd be concerned about Some people just don't want to waste their time and energy, right? But they keep it inside and they're sitting on this volcano of feelings and emotions And what if that tough conversation is actually the very discussion? That would transform your relationship and set you free going forward. Man sounds good to me My guest today is david wood His life was spent as a consulting actuary to fortune 100 companies on park avenue And he since then once he left went outside and built the world's largest Coaching business becoming number one on google for life coaching and serving huge audiences worldwide david coaches high performing leaders and prison inmates He teaches them to play full out deepening connection and living a regret free life. How? By increasing their levels of truth Daring and caring if you'd like to find out more about him. Just go to play for real dot life David wood welcome to dear to dream. It's so great to have you Thank you, devy. I'm excited to be here and in your intro. I'm amazed you mentioned rythmia Because I was due to go there next month for my first ever plant medicine Journey and I decided Not to go but I am booked in to go locally here in colorado. So I'm doing three days I think of Of plant medicine and I'm I'm scared and excited Yes, well I think that's really normal. I think that's really good And I would be so happy to talk to you further about it, but I know I know one thing for sure When grandmother medicine calls it's undeniable And to follow the call of the wild is so important So good on you and if you do go to rythmia, you know And you can always come back after colorado because I'm going next year Early and I'm bringing a group. So you're welcome to be part of that group I'd love to hear your adventures on the other end Thank you And it's it's going to be interesting too It's fascinating that you would say that because because of the very work you do To see how that's going to feed in so here you are you've got this huge business your coaching leaders and prison inmates And your conversation is really the tough conversation ceo's prison inmates And how they disseminate that out into the world I want to know how deep Do you have to go to understand the importance of having a tough conversation? well Wow, what do you mean by how deep do you have to go? I can talk about how important they are Yeah, how deep did you have to go in your life? to have a recognition A that your calling was to teach this and work with people on this and b that's somewhere clearly in you inherently is I have to start doing this myself Right. Well, I was thrown into it. It was a bit accidental I did a personal development course and they were really big on cleaning up the past So I had to make lists of people that I resented that I hated Anyone I wouldn't want to see at a reunion Or I wouldn't want to cross on the street Anybody I felt guilty about And then they wanted me to call these people I was like what and and and like one one on the list was a a woman A girl at high school who'd broken up with me twice. She gave me the cold shoulder twice And uh, I was kind of scarred by it and they're like call her have a tough conversation and just clean it up I said no and then there was a bully from school who we used to be friends and then he just um Make fun of me and uh, I felt humiliated by him And I felt scarred by that too and they said Call him. I said no And they coached me through it and helped me find what I was so afraid of That which is one of the the ways we can access a tough conversation workout What am I worried that could happen? And I was worried that this guy from 20 years ago would think I was a total moron That he would just think I was a dickhead for calling him with this this thing And so my coach said why don't you lead with that? Why don't you tell him and so I did I called him and I said I can't believe I'm calling you I'm worried you're gonna think I'm a total idiot And that changed everything and he said oh well now I'm curious. Tell me what what have you got? How can I help? And so it was amazing. So I got thrown into this through this personal development program And I think the last 20 30 years If I'm afraid of something I tend to lean into it I my psychiatrist called me counter phobic And so I'm afraid of heights. So I go paragliding for example and I find each time I do something that I'm scared of I feel more expanded Yeah So when I go and have that conversation with someone and I don't want to have it I start looking for well. What am I afraid of? and what might be possible out of it and I don't always get the result that I'm looking for but I almost always feel better about myself And I like myself more So I realize that that's what I want for the world. I want everybody to be self expressed I want us all to have agency to take responsibility and to take a risk with another human being because of All the juicy stuff that can come out of it if you're willing To play big instead of playing small. So perfect I was literally just interviewed an hour before you and I are together on someone else's show And what I do out in the world is visibility. That's my jam And of course I'm core wound around that so that's where I'm my dna My soul is supposed to perform in this lifetime Yeah, and so her question was about you know for me to help other people understand how to show up and be fully seen and heard And it's interesting because Within the pieces I was giving and I was really wanting to share a lot of value There's also the component of being real. The truth is I still get scared The truth is last month when somebody found out I used to be a professional singer, but it's been 10 years And invited me on a stage to sing I was scared shitless like the voice the little bubble said hey, oh no But the mouse said yeah, of course. I'd be happy to I'm honored. Thanks for asking And when I got on stage I sang my ass off and my leg my leg was doing this the whole time patter patter patter because The body had a response and I can't ignore the response I have to love that piece of my leg that's going 90 miles an hour that nobody else can see thank god under my skirt Going I get it. I get your energy. I get where you're at, but baby We're here and we're going to entertain our asses off and have a great time And I did and I was so happy I did it So I understand that leaning into fear Going for the difficult things like I think that's been a big part of my past So with that in mind, I guess the next question I really want to know is How did this end up for you because that's big you've got a long laundry list somebody says yep You're going to call everyone. Woof. I can imagine how big that is So you're going down the list. What is the outcome of that once you've cleaned all that stuff up? surprises did you have Yeah, you know, I had so many surprises the the toughest conversation I Believe is is the one we have with ourselves in the days weeks and months leading up to the actual conversation It's bigger in our head usually Then it's going to be for the other person So, you know, I called this bully from school And after I I'd said I'm letting go of it and I wanted to name it and just reconnect He said Well, what can I say or do now to help you or us move forward? I think that's a very difficult question when people say that Well, what blew me away was that he asked it Because I thought he was a jerk So that just blew me away and then I went back to my hometown A few years later and he was back visiting his parents And normally we wouldn't have spoken But we did speak we had a beer and then when he invited some friends back to his house He invited me to come with them Which was incredible that hadn't happened for for 30 years and And when we're sitting there having a beer at midnight out the back of his his parents house. He said to me I don't think I ever would have had the courage to make the phone call that you made And I felt respected and seen by him, which is really what I wanted For all all those years So that blew me away When I called the the girl who who broke up with me twice and gave me the cold shoulder. I wasn't expecting an apology. It's important It's useful if you can have these conversations without demanding an apology I just wanted to share my side of it and reconnect and she gave me the most beautiful apology and said I was young I was stupid and I'm really sorry It was so healing for me To hear that that was a bonus. I didn't even need to hear that I called a boss from my company. I've only worked for one company in my life before I went solo and um, I'd actually threatened some legal action with my company because I didn't like how they'd Handled it when I transferred internationally I wasn't made whole and uh, finally I sent a letter of demand and they ended up we had a settlement But I thought years later. I'm like Is he holding something like how are we? How are things between us? Is that weird now? um So he was on my list And I called him And I was surprised. He said look at the time. I'm sure I'm sure I wasn't happy to pay that extra money But he said that's water under the bridge You know, I I don't I don't care And then we got talking and he told me about his his wife and and issues They're having in their relationship. We've never had a personal conversation It was just amazing so You mentioned be real and and I think you are alluding to vulnerability Todd the conversations are tough Because there's vulnerability there. That's why we call them a tough conversation. So that's a clue. All right. I'm vulnerable My underbelly is exposed But if we're willing to be real and take a bit of a risk Then one of the four benefits that I list from tough conversations is deeper connection Even if you don't get what you want Or if the person's upset with you at least you get to find out their world and they get to find out your world And you may agree to disagree Oh, and sorry you asked me, you know Like I gave you some some of the the micro results But I think the bigger result is I'm way more confident In my life The conversations at which tough 20 years ago are now easy And the conversations that were impossible 20 years ago didn't even look like they could be conversations Are now tough I can imagine a sense of confidence that if you know I got this I can handle anything because I can say anything when I need to Like all bets are off You must be so present and so okay with whatever is because you know you have a voice And you know you have the ability the willingness to use that voice and whatever capacity is going to serve you Yes And my work's not done Because as I said that some of the tough ones become easy, but I keep finding tougher and tougher conversations to have um, I coached a client on um He'd been carrying around something for 20 years when he was a teenager. He burgled a house in his hometown He and another kid went and stole a bunch of stuff from a friend's house Never told anybody about it and he's been walking around with that for 20 years. Can you imagine the guilt? And uh, and I coached him through a very very tough conversation Now 20 years ago something like that wouldn't even look like a conversation to me It wouldn't even be a possibility of going to someone and confessing to a crime And risking prosecution, but I've done it since I've gone and I've said look I I did something that was illegal and I'm sorry I want to confess and I want to make it right and I've risked prosecution um So my work's not done, you know, I feel confident in a lot of areas and I'm still pushing myself to be vulnerable When I come up against an edge and it can be the simplest thing it could it could be my personal assistant And I don't want to say to her Could you finish by six o'clock? And and just be done because I like some alone time at night and Thanks for working hard, but can you go like it's I still find edges To be vulnerable and to have that tough conversation with oh my god. So good So CEO layperson prison inmate is there any difference when it comes to how you coach people to have that tough conversation That's a great question. I don't think there's a difference in the coaching. There's a difference in the language So for example in prison um You know if someone's going to call someone out or threaten them or um invite a fight They might say something like hey, bitch That's a challenge now in a board room you may not hear that language You might hear a different language something that's right But it's the same concept someone calling you out someone telling you they don't like how you're doing something Someone um might be really upset with you or you're upset with someone else. You want to change someone's behavior um in prison They they get to call their family And uh, they can be some really tough conversations because sometimes their family is really upset with them And their family doesn't get to see them very often and their kid's growing up without a father or a mother and like all these Really and plus they might have done a hard horrible things to their family Um, many of them are going through addiction So there are so many things they need to clean up But a ceo Also has things to apologize for a ceo also has to say to someone can you do something differently? This is not working for me So i'm finding that human is human And and all of us face vulnerability, which is what makes it a tough conversation And all of us face a risk of loss You you mentioned this in the intro about you know, who would want to feel awkward or who would want to risk abandonment You could risk, you know, when you have a tough conversation you could be risking is let's say you confessed to your partner that you cheated Which I did at the age of 18 I cheated on my first partner. I went and confessed she broke up with me I managed to salvage that that was a very tough conversation and it was so horrible. I've actually never cheated In the last 33 years since then wow But you could risk someone leaving you you could risk being fired you could risk being Excluded from a group someone might just give you the cold shoulder for for a couple of days because they're upset So there's a lot of things to risk what we need to work out and and we'll give listeners A free download where you can do a worksheet and go through the four steps of tough conversations But what I have people do is work out. What's the potential gain? You want to write down what's my hope or intention from this conversation? Let's let's take the confessing about cheating Right or let's let's say you you you got drunk one night and made out with somebody at a party Okay, and you decided i'm just not going to tell my partner that And maybe it's been a couple of years and you just i'm just not going to tell Well, what's your hope or intention? it might be that um You can be closer you can stop keeping this in between you and your partner and be more intimate Or uh, you can check for impact and find out if there's a renegotiate renegotiation of the agreement that's needed But come up with what your hope is if you have no hope or intention then maybe don't have that conversation We're not going to do it just just to be to be um masochistic So what's the gain and then work out what am I risking? And it could be that my partner breaks up with me or they'll be upset or whatever it is and then decide am I willing to risk that? And if you're not willing to risk it I mean I was when I called the college that I used to go to when I was a kid when I was You know 18 and I called and I said i'm sorry I stole the college sign 15 years ago And they're like who is this? I said my name's david wood and I attended college and they said when? I was like 15 20 years ago They're like why are you calling now? I explained i'm a life coach and I try and live with integrity and it seemed like fun at the time But now it seems like vandalism and I stole it. In fact, I stole it twice I stole two signs Um, I was risking prosecution I was risking being in the newspaper and my reputation being tarnished and I decided I was willing to risk that For my hope and my hope was that I would feel more of a sense of integrity and I would like myself more So if there's profit if the gain outweighs the risk Then maybe you'll go enroll the dice and have that conversation and if it doesn't hey There are some conversations. I don't have Yeah Yeah, I would think at the very least I mean in my estimation listening to what you're saying It would seem the risks could be like a laundry list. It could be pretty intense And as far as the gains, I'm sure there's some very specifics with certain situations and people I also sense there could be this blanket gain Obviously to free oneself Of the bags of crap you've been carrying around all of that is this horrible energy that we hold against ourselves and bring forward So there's that element and then also the element of once it is free once it's said once it's out there and done the relief The ability to be fully present must be magnificent. Oh Look, I I was just going to say I can't tell you and I literally can't tell you Um the exact details because it's not just my story, but it's someone else's story But the broad brushstrokes are I I did something that was wrong when I was younger and and it was illegal And I did go back and confess and and I could have gone to jail I really could have and I and I decided I needed to apologize And um, it was terrifying for me to make that confession not knowing what they would do But the relief I had carried that for 20 years. It was my biggest darkest secret I've shared it with friends where I thought it would make a difference and help and I shared it with my wife before we got married So that there was no I don't like any skeletons to be in my closet I don't want anything that's ever going to bite me on the arse if it's going to bite me on the arse Let's have it happen now. I don't want to you know, have that hanging over me Um, so the risk can be enormous but the relief I tell you what I can't put a price on on how Settled I am in myself now. I don't have to hide anything from anybody And you you got me thinking about something before you talked about the gain and the laundry list of risks Here's the problem and I haven't said this on any interview before But I just realized The mind will present all the risks and blow them up out of proportion here So that's what we're seeing and that's why we don't have the conversations The mind is not presenting to us the game The hope or the intention the mind is not presenting that so I'm out here beating the drum to push the benefits of self-expression of feeling good about ourselves of self-love And vulnerability and deep connection. I want to raise Those as possibilities so that people my hope is they'll hear that and go Yeah, all right. That is a scary tough conversation and I'm going to have that one I may not may not have the big one The big gooner I'll file that away until I'm ready But I might go and have that conversation with my partner with my kid I might confess something with my with my boss my co-worker. I might ask for a pay for a pay raise I'm going to actually do it because I'll feel better about myself Regardless of what happens as a result Totally, you know, you remind me when I was younger. I'm going to purposely omit the place I worked But I worked for a really well known Going into space government agency And I had to make a confession so one of the Effort, you know, one of the rocket scientists came to me and said I have this really weird phone bill like there's all these charges and he I could tell he was mystified About how to address that and he walked away and I thought if the earth could swallow me It would be now please Because I had been using his phone To make those calls And I oh my god, you know the days I spent in mortification and regret and There was no justification. I just felt horrible about myself. I'll go that way way before I'll defend myself But I knew I had to do this And so I knocked on this guy's door and and asked if I could speak to him Went into his office I I really thought I was going to start crying like uncontrollably because I was so embarrassed to have to say this But I knew it was the only way out was through And I just said I have to confess to you That those calls were me Um, that I didn't want them to show on my phone. So I was using them on your phone I just told the truth the entire truth and nothing but the truth And I probably did cry. I was young, you know, but I was so ashamed And I was And he was such a nice human being that made me feel even worse This man I didn't expect it zero expectations because the same thing government agency. Let me tell you you don't play there They will they they will do things. I've seen things and they they don't have a lot of compassion So I was expecting whatever I was open But instead he closed the door and he sat with me and he listened to me and he talked to me And when I was all done, he said this will never leave the room And I forgive you And I you know picked up the remnants of myself when we're all done I think he gave me a hug and I walked out of the room and I was just like How did I get so lucky? Oh my god And I was you know, it was a process. By the way, I didn't just suddenly go Relief. I mean it really energetically took time for all of that to catch up with me the grace and um and just like you said like Never again Best lesson most expensive lesson ever to confess Like I was never going to behave like that and go behind someone's back Yeah Yeah, that sounds super healing And and it has me think too hearing that that I want I want our listeners to use some discernment Because I used to be thinking, you know, you should you should have every tough conversation You should make every confession. You know, it's always worth it You watch movies and when someone does that and they risk all for the truth, it's inspiring But you know in my older age Um, I realized there are limits like for example, I was willing to risk prison to confess So I made that decision If you're not willing to risk prison to confess then Don't have that conversation. Don't do that confession um I I I try like nine nine out of ten times at least I find in my life is worth it But hey when Balinese immigration comes to my door and says we think you might have been subletting a villa illegally and we need to talk to you about it And there could be some jail time involved and there could be some bribes Um that you'll be negotiating from within prison Hey, maybe that's not the best time for a confession That's what I worked out. I'm not kidding you two years ago in Bali I had this and I like to tell the truth and I like to have those tough conversations That was a conversation I didn't want to have And so I left the country the same day Wow I had a life there. I had a pet. I had furniture. I had friends. I had eight months paid on my villa A lawyer told me I would leave the country Come back in a few months. Everything will be fine. So I've realized there's some conversations that um You may choose not to have but we're erring on the side of sweeping too many of them under the carpet Yeah, I don't want to scare people too much Because because I think we're going to do better by having way more and risking more Yes This is huge because I think most people walk around go. I tell the truth. I'm honest. Yeah, I know that's I think that's what we think And I think that too I think that too right I teach this stuff But there are always areas of the mind that are hidden and there are always It's just subtle and you got to catch it and go Oh, I don't I feel off about that person or I didn't like how they spoke to me at that party last week, right We just sweep it under the carpet and go subconscious I've been working for 20 30 years to try and make those things conscious so I can realize Oh, I got an issue with that person. Here's one way you can find out You'll be complaining about them to somebody else That's your clue that's good You say something to someone else that you haven't said to the person involved I catch myself saying it. I'm like, oh, I'm gossiping here. I'm complaining And I'm going to have to tell them about it. Oh I love that because that is So clear Yep, good one I'm going to take a quick break here My mind is going like wow. I have so much to ask you so Folks, this is dare to dream clearly. I feature very successful brilliant leaders in their expertise They've created major goals. Wouldn't you like to be one of those? What would you do if you knew that you could not fail? What would you do if you knew that you would be free and bold and completely successful? These are the conversations we have here to help move you forward If you would like to be part of the dare to dream podcast team I am right now Warmly inviting you to join us. Please go to patreon.com Slash dare to dream when you join and donate to the show for a dollar cup of coffee or more You will get gifts from me to thank you and help keep this show going Really as strong as it is and has and I can continue to bring on the brilliant minds that I do Again, this show is about you. It's the number one transformation So you can create the best ways to live your inner and outer life Go to patreon.com slash dare to dream and I thank you in advance And if you're tuning in after we started i'm interviewing david wood A former consulting actuary to fortune 100 companies. He left his park avenue job to become a number one google life coach He shows us how to have the tough conversations. We really want to avoid And he shows that the these are actually the conversations that are the doorways To confidence success and love if you would like to learn more about him go to play for real dot life David, I just want to say I never heard that word Consulting actuary. So I had to look it up. I could you said it really well a lot of people messed that up I got no idea what it is and I'm like, oh, she nailed that Thank you so much. I'm a nerd. I love to research. I love the etymology of words So I was fascinated and it turns out folks if you don't know as well that an actuary is a business professional Who deals with the measurement and management of risk? An uncertainty. I don't know about you, but that's kind of sexy, right? And I think like these are huge words that people run away from risk and uncertainty And definitely like tough conversations comes under that How why was that even compelling to you to go into a career around risk and uncertainty? Right. I love where you're going with this. Um I was really good at mathematics When I hit uh year nine, I guess I was like 15 or something something happened And I started doing really well in school and particularly maths And I figured well, I guess I'll be an accountant That's what you do and then My mother's a teacher and she found out about a profession that was not very well known But was much harder to qualify in and uh, there's more money more prestige And uh seemed more complex than just numbers So it was an actuary And then we found out that they were offering scholarships So in the u.s. I know people get student loans of like over a hundred thousand dollars Well in Australia at the time college was free And I got paid to go to college And they hoped that at the end of three years I would Return the favor by taking a job with them So I had the incredible privilege of of actually having money while I'm in college and uh Yeah, it is about risk and I'm noticing that now affecting my coaching and my speaking And my podcasting because I think in terms of risk. I'm always like I'm a paraglider pilot I'll jump off the cliff But I wear the helmet. I'm always assessing so in these tough conversations I guess I'm being a classic actuary and saying what's the potential game What's the potential risk weigh it up and then go and roll the dice if if it looks like a good bet That's how I think I'm a geek That's sort of interesting though Because when you describe it it sounds like you're present, but at the same time you're seeing the matrix Of everything and that's a lot of discernment too about go here. Don't go there. This might be good. Watch out for that It's very interesting Yeah, you know, you've got to make good bets in life if you um if you offer me Uh Let's say we flip a coin and if it's heads You're going to pay me two dollars and if it's tails, I got to pay you a dollar fifty right I'm going to take that bet all day every day Right, you've got to play the odds Um same in business if there's if it's a risk and you could lose something but you can absorb the loss But the gain is higher take that bet Go for it play the odds. It's the same in poker And I think it's the same with the conversations as well You've got to see the gain and then take that risk and maybe you blow a few You know, you might have a couple of train wrecks and someone gets upset with you And you got to go and do round two or round three. Maybe your partner breaks up with you Maybe that's what should happen because of what you did and maybe they're just exercising their agency and their choice but Over time you keep playing the odds You get great stuff Come from it. I think we're too risk averse When it comes to vulnerability and we're too I don't know what the opposite is but we take on too much risk about stupid things Like smoking or eating sugar or not wearing a seat belt or going to barley and renting a scooter and not having insurance We do stupid things as human beings would take on too much risk But when it comes to the heart and being vulnerable and being expressed Oh, no, I better not get up on stage and speak about that Or I don't want to ask that person to buy my product because they might say no Or i'm not going to ask that woman out because she might reject me and everyone's going to see me at the bar Which I've never spoken about this except inside my head So i'm glad it's coming out with too risk averse when it comes to Matters of vulnerability 100 i love in the beginning how you called it this underbelly You know last night it just so happens after a wine event I came back here with my boyfriend and We'd had a little bit of tension between us Um god and it's always so bad when he listens to my shows back. So I love you Let me just purpose And it's just a story to illustrate The underbelly I think honestly, it's because I did uh plant medicine I'm not kidding was so profound for me and we came back and I've We've both had little be niggling behaviors for each other And it's not over clearly, you know, I'm with him because the over arc of our relationship is, you know, magnificent and wonderful and I'm super thrilled, but there are those undercurrents And and I actually got even clearer in our conversation last night bless him He's the one who opened it up. That means a lot to me that he's the one who opened up the conversation And I went places that surprised me in talking to him and saying You know why I do that? Here's the truth beneath that behavior I know i'm coming off like a dick, but tell you the truth It actually has nothing to do with that. Here's the truth I look at you and I think of you in the long term and if I'm with you forever more amen There's a part of me protecting me And I need to know that if we're together these things are not going to come back and bite me That you know, these behaviors you have Um, they're really being worked out. So I get worried For myself and protective of myself and then I start looking like I'm being critical or I'm judging you or I'm not You know, I'm being too much of a nudge But here's the truth beneath let's end all of that because it doesn't serve either of us The truth is I'm worried and I'm trying to take care of myself and I instead I'm acting out through those behaviors And we did it several times and I kept pulling back the curtain I got to say just that alone the relief Was huge because I thought well, I don't have to do that anymore I don't have to behave like that with him and turn him off and feel Frankly, I feel out of control when I do it because I'm not telling the truth And so it gave me a lot of hope going forward And more of a position of being in choice And also I feel like it offered him choice to say wow, and I'm gonna just speak my truth I'm with this magnificent woman. She's amazing like look what's possible And if I really want this I probably want to look at these pieces because they'll help make her feel safe And us connected and have a great life So there's lots of possibility Well, what I love about About your experience there is that When you started sounds like when you started the conversation You guys didn't know where it was going to end up at all Now this is a this is a key piece of tough conversations and one of the reasons they're tough. We can't control them Now I'm a control freak self-confess control freak And I like to work it all out in my head and then go and present it in a way that's going to get me what I want I'm trying to work it all out one sided but One of the ways we can ease up on that and make it easier for ourself Is to say I'm going to start with my side, but I'm going to be curious I'm going to learn and I'm going to find out what they think and that's actually step four of the the four-step blueprint that will give people Is What's your world? How is it for you to hear this and what are you thinking? Do you have a better idea than what I've got and together you go somewhere you couldn't have planned Follow the yellow rick road So why don't you give us the blueprint because I know I hope people are going to be going there because you could change our planet By doing this behavior Out into the world and cleaning up your life. What is the blueprint? I'm ready Right, you mean the url or the four steps Let's do the url and start there and then go to the four steps. Yeah, you guys can go to play for real dot life and Download it there for free Play for real we spell it out f or play for real dot life And you'll get the blueprint plus the worksheet the worksheet will ask you some questions to prepare you So if you're really terrified of the conversation now, I think and I couldn't have it or I've got no idea Don't worry Worksheet will guide you through it And then the blueprint will tell you the four steps And you can even have those four steps written down in front of you and say I wanted to take some notes because I'm worried I'm going to screw this up and I'd like to Make sure I do my best job at this You can be honest and I have to like Pretend you're a ninja of this What are the four steps four steps number one you ask permission For the conversation We don't just just don't go in there and say hey, honey. I cheated on you or Hey, you smell and you need to take a shower you ask permission And this is a good place to share your hope That you created in the worksheet Uh permission might be something like Hey, do you have five or ten minutes for a potentially awkward conversation yet? Possibly a very fruitful conversation I like that Yeah, you let him know this is a bit edgy But it could be rewarding and this is a good place to share the hope my hope is that we're going to Work together better as a team or that that I'll feel closer to you Um because that's something someone can say yes to They're like, oh, this is why I would want to listen to something awkward. Okay Go And then step two and this is optional Uh, you might do what I did with the bully and share your fear Or your concern my concern is that you might get really angry with me My concern is that you might If I'm honest that that you might break up with me Over this and I don't want to lose you So this is a very vulnerable step, but it can get you very connected and let them know that you're Uh on your edge here And then step three share whatever the issue is And this is a good spot to bring in your request from the worksheet on the worksheet I'll ask you what's a request you could make Is this something you can ask for instead of just complaining about a certain behavior for example If you've got a co-worker who smells the request might be That you have a shower Well the request might be that you Pick up your socks or you whatever it is, but you actually ask for something instead of just just complaining And then step four could be the most important You get curious This is where you listen and negotiate Find out about their world. What's it like to hear that? How does it land for you to hear that? And uh, what what's your thinking? What are your ideas? Do you have something better than than what I'm thinking they might they might have a Something that's even better than what you thought of And so you listen and negotiate those are the four steps That is beautiful. So I have a tough situation to ask you about how to use those four steps great Got the best coach here My mother has Alzheimer's and Without a doubt, you know things going away her her physical decline is immense Um, although I will say at some level I feel she's quite lucid I'm the only one here on the west coast Los Angeles. So You know, I'm the one I'm the go-to person And so I'm going to keep this very real, you know before my grandmother grandfather passed away I I was madly in love with them very close to them. I just had some intuition as a kid I was complete like I had said everything to them. So we were on the same page They knew how much I loved them and exactly how I felt I took the time but I feel very strongly about having no regrets when somebody dies And I really want to do this with my mom And I did not have an easy time with her growing up at all And although now with her Alzheimer's frankly, it's also softening her which is awesome for me I Feel compelled to have a tough conversation with her And that means the everything You know everything from my acknowledging how lucky I am to have someone who is brilliant and liberal and Open and did yoga when nobody did and you know, accepted all sorts of races and genders when nobody else did Super social and a smart my god. She's so smart as a whip Very musical and talented and cultured quite cultured. Those are my thank you so much for all of that the other stuff and my My fears are that it's going to go south that She has a penchant for saying things that are really untoward and really unkind and unfiltered and strange And I don't even believe are steeped in a reality that I was in So it's really concerning for me to open that and have that and not know what's going to come back at me Yeah Firstly, I moved by this topic. I think it's beautiful that you want to feel complete and nothing held back with your mother and particularly to have no regrets um For the time when she dies. Yeah and What I'm hearing is that I think it's natural for you to have hesitation because it doesn't sound like there is yet a space For you to share some of these sensitive things Because might might be very sensitive for her. She might get very defensive I know it's been hard for my mother to hear about some of the things that have had a big impact on my life um She's still dealing with hearing some of that because she beats herself up So you don't yet have a space you don't yet have the permission To share it But you can create that so you want to do a quick role play like a minute Sure All right It's going to be easy for you because i'm going to be you Oh, yeah, and you and you'll be your mother. This is and this is not in the fourth step blueprint I'm pulling on some ninja stuff here. So mom I've realized that I don't want to have anything between us withheld I want to be fully expressed with you and I realize I want to share Like there are some great things about our relationship that I haven't really told you all about And I want to tell you all about that and there are some things that I've held on to Where I felt disappointed or sometimes I felt hurt And I haven't said those things because I don't know how you react And I'm wondering if you might give me the space To really talk For for maybe 10 minutes And just share things and I know it may not be easy at times, but my hope Is that this will bring us even closer And even more more loving And I wonder if you'd be open for that even though it might be it might be difficult Okay, sure I can do anything for 10 minutes Okay Great So then if that doesn't happen if she does jump in then you might want to do a little coaching say I'm sure there'd be a lot to say and this must be so hard to hear And I wonder if if I could just have another five minutes and then I want to listen to everything you've got to say Okay Because not everyone's good at listening. It can be hard to listen. So it's up to you To request and create that space So how was it for you to hear that as your mother? Yeah, so I didn't want to fully go into her because I actually can I Yeah, I energetically have the ability to do that So I wanted to just protect myself a little bit, but I allowed some of that to open And it was interesting because I was negotiating the whole time So I was listening to you but inside of myself going, huh, no, yes And you use really capital words that kept adjusting me in my my inner negotiations Because you use things like bring us closer together and have a better relationship and then I'm like, oh, okay I'm on board for that. So those things were very helpful I was still hearing the other things and I think bracing myself and Yeah When you gave a time That was everything because otherwise it could have been add infinitum But as soon as you said for 10 minutes, I was like Uh, I could do anything for 10 minutes. Yeah Yeah So this is why step one is so important Because if you just went in and started sharing with a parent about the things you disappointed in They're not prepped for that and our identity wants to fight back And defend ourselves But if you can prep them and and show them away like I'd like to be able to share this because I think it'll have us closer And I understand it might be difficult. I know it'll be hard It'll be hard for me when it's your turn Because you might share some things that you're disappointed in or some you know, I'd like to know Anywhere I've upset you Um, I want to hear it all And I I'm bracing myself for that So it's awkward But here's the profit in it that will be closer Together does that help hugely? Wow. Yeah, I really get as you're saying this the setup is everything You're creating this container For both of you to do this tough conversation And I like the boundaries. So everybody, you know, I'm not here to beat you up I'm not here to beat it up. I really am here to move this forward So there's so much peace between us. I mean, this is big, you know, I'm really offering myself I get saying this to you right now. I'm offering myself a huge gift Of freedom in this lifetime to like All the other work I've done in the past this feels like it could be the final chord To finally do this with her. So I'm curious if you don't mind to tell me about you Um So just for an example, I know that you're in tlc, right? You're in the transformational Just before you just before we go there. I have a ninja tip for you. I have a black belt tip with your mother with your mother I would Run through all of this with somebody else first I would talk it out And and say and have them even be in the place of your mother and say i'm upset that you did this And i'm upset that you did that and I feel hurt by this you can release a lot of charge with somebody else She doesn't need all that charge And if you can See if you can find compassion for all of those things and realize that she was doing the best She could the whole time and like see if you can do all that work first It's going to be a lot softer when you share it with her. It'll be a lot easier for her to hear it Brilliant Um, this is why I have my clients We role play the conversation first. That's one of the reasons we role play at first Get out a lot of the charge and see a way that can really work. Then they go out into the world and they have it You had a question about tlc Thank you. I'm so in what you're saying. Thank you that that's a huge piece I will do this and I can really feel how that will be so much easier for me as well And I won't have to go in with all that energy. Yeah, I was just curious because like a little testy So if you're in tlc you're in transformational leadership council, you know, so for people who don't know This is a a thought leader mastermind council like half of my friends are in it people like jack canfield people like marianne williamson What if just to like create a situation? What if something happened in the proceedings there? David and you were like i'm not happy with this That doesn't work for me And you knew this is a tough conversation man. Look at who these people are right? How would you handle that? I know this is like a really big broad question But just I'd love to have a sense of the machinations for you behind the scenes If you had a show up for something that felt kind of big for you with colleagues you respected and A situation you wanted to be a part of but maybe it wasn't working etc What would you do? Would you talk to them and if so, how would you get yourself prepared? yeah, well I I I'd probably go on instinct because I've been doing tough conversations for so long So probably go on instinct, but I tell you what I've gone an instinct even recently And then just gotten lost and I've realized if I just filled in my own worksheet It would have gone better For example, one question on the worksheet is put yourself in their shoes Let's say with your mother put yourself in her shoes What might it be like for her to hear about what you're disappointed in or upset and you know trying to have some compassion If I'd done that My conversation would have gone easier. I would have seen their world and been able to preempt that So I would hope if it's chargey enough that I would fill in my own worksheet and then Ask permission for the conversation and share a hope. I've had some difficult conversations at TLC um It's difficult for me to share this on air But one conversation was when I when I was nominated and got into TLC I found out that uh, it was a mistake There was there was along the line. There was some mistaken identity And I started feeling like I shouldn't be there and I was there under false pretenses And that was a horrible I'm in Hawaii with all these people and I already had imposter syndrome already half of us do there in fact, maybe three-quarter of us have imposter syndrome hanging out with all these people and um I wanted to quit I was going to resign So that was that was really awkward now I'd like to say that I had the courage to go and address a tough conversation head on I just shared with a friend there how I felt and that I felt like resigning Unfortunately, she mentioned it to the right person and the right person called called me and made it easy for me And said you so belong here And I really hope that you're not Going to to leave Um, so they made it made it made it easy for me But I've had some tough conversations there and I hope I would bust out my worksheet Uh, particularly the more important it is The more value I think there is in prepping For it just so that your chances of it going well like with your mother um, you'll you've got the link now you can download the worksheet and um your chances of it going better are just better Yeah, I think I'm sharing your worksheet with a few people too Really like this is this is such a powerful conversation. I feel very grateful Uh for whatever your life path has been that it's led you here Because this is a tremendous gift to all of us. It is not talked about And it is one of those things that if we learned To work the blueprint and do the work out into the world. I mean really we're talking world peace It changed the world reason, right? Yeah, it's a total game changer. So thank you for your brilliance My pleasure, and I'm so glad to meet you. I find I really like you and this is one of my favorite interviews Thank you. I'm honored really honored. Let's do it again And I end today's show with this quote from shonda rimes Because no matter how hard a conversation is I know that on the other side of that difficult conversation lies peace knowledge An answer is delivered character is revealed Trooses are formed misunderstandings resolved Be sure to tune into next week's interview on dare to dream with my next guest who's patrick He spent a decade Building a multi-million dollar coaching business with bill barron and he's personally coached and trained thousands But here's the cool thing patrick is going to share a new process that he took me through called inner freedom Wow, also listen to all the archives of dare to dream. I highly recommend dr. John d martini as well as the I hope it's okay. I call him adorable, but he is adorable ken honda But who's the james? He's so great. I love ken. Yeah And he did a great show with me. He wrote the new york times best-selling book happy money All my guests are all that all that and more so enjoy this show live and the replays Subscribe to dare to dream your number one transformation conversation And please leave a five star review so other people can find this show And if you're listening to the audio and you want to watch my guests and see how Gorgeous and amazing they are and animated and how we interact go to youtube.com slash Debbie dashinger and remember the secret to success is always to have the courage in the first place Thanks for joining us today