 relationship these days, a romantic relationship is incredibly complicated. And it's no wonder there's a lot of frustration out there. And if you're a woman who feel like you keep meeting men who won't commit and you might be asking yourself, have you been used? Well, we're gonna dive into that today. So I wanna share a personal story. I was in the jacuzzi recently at the complex I live in. When I started to chat with some men, it was guys in there, there was four guys and I ended up talking to three of them. By the time I got around sharing, I was a dating and relationship coach, the conversation got rather steamy. Now, just to give you some context, the men ranged in age of about late 30s to about 50s, is my guess, I didn't ask them in particular. But as they were sharing some of their experiences and asking for my opinion, I thought that would be a great conversation to lean into today. So one man in particular was sharing the story where he recently dated a woman for about, I'm guessing it was almost just shy of three months, okay? Now they happen to live relatively close to one another and their first date was that a date one week and then the second week they saw each other two times and the third week they saw each other two times. And I think on average, they were seeing each other for about this three month period of time of about two to maybe three times per week. And I asked him, when did they have sex? And he said it was around the third week of them connecting with one another. And at first he was very attracted to her, she was very attracted to him. There seemed like there was some sexual chemistry between the two of them. And at the same time, the more he got to know her, he explained that he thought that she had, now I put these words in his mouth because he said she was emotionally unavailable. And I asked, did she seem avoidant? Did she seem challenging with expressing emotions? And he kept nodding his head. And so as we dove deeper and he just found that she wasn't very communicative, she was very passive. And he found himself after about the fifth or sixth week, I believe it, no, the sixth week he was like, you know what, I'm not sure I'm really liking this person, but he thought he'd give it a little bit more of a chance and then a few weeks later, he ended the relationship. Okay, and she was visibly upset because she became attached to him and he recognized that this wasn't his person. And as I shared this, or as he was sharing this, the other guys were saying, wow, the same thing has happened to me. I've been with women who aren't very expressive. They're very, there's a level of walls up. There's even a level of being cold. And while maybe in the beginning there was that little bit of chemistry, that little bit of limerence, they found in each case these men were sharing, they just realized that after about two to three or four months, they just weren't that into this person. So it got me thinking because we would oftentimes we view these experiences as men using women. And yet these men seemed very sincere. They seemed very, you know, conscious. They seemed like men of good character. I don't know them very well. They were sharing from their lens, from their experience. So obviously it's one sided that occurs to me. And I've even talked to my son about this in the past where he said he spent time with a woman only to realize that he didn't have the type of feelings that he was hoping to have after three or four months. So this begs the question. In the dating process, it's a getting to know you process where you're trying to, well, you're hoping to build a connection with someone. But more importantly, you're hoping to build deep intimacy with someone. Now someone says they are liars, Kimberly says that. You know, I'm here to say, Kimberly, these men seemed really sincere. And so when we hear the opposite from women where they've spent time with men and they weren't just that into them after a period of time, well, this can work in reverse as well. There are plenty of women who have an avoidant attachment style. And if you're not familiar with attachment styles, I highly recommend reading the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. By the way, all the books I recommend are listed below. Believe it or not, there's a significant percentage of women who have an avoidant attachment style means they're very fearful of love. And oftentimes they put up blocks, they put up walls. And with these particular men, whether they were anxious attachment style or maybe secure attachment style, these men, or maybe they were avoidant. Oh, and by the way, I highly recommend reading this book so you can understand the three primary attachment styles, anxious, avoidant, secure. There's actually additional ones within there, but those are the three that we oftentimes focus on. Women can be avoidant as well. And many men are seeking connection, especially those men at midlife. So my point being is, or maybe not enough, even though you've been physically intimate with someone you like this person, but at the end of the day, there can be a lot of personality differences between two people. There can be communication style differences. There can be differences of sense of humor that require spending time with someone to determine whether or not they're a good fit for you. See, but here's the real challenge. You see, a good relationship, or let me say this, two people who are genuinely sincere about being in a fully committed relationship, they genuinely like each other, they genuinely are attracted to each other, have to recognize that relationships are incredibly complicated. And what I mean to say is this fantasy we live in that the perfect person just fits like a glove doesn't exist. Even within my own sweetheart, there's a picture of Marie and I, we have differences in the way we operate. And we have to navigate these differences to actually make this relationship work. We have to communicate well with one another. And believe it or not, many women are just as poor at communication as men. Now I'm here to say there are plenty of cases where women, these women I was talking about with respect to these men, they might have felt like they were used by these men when in all fairness, they just weren't a fit for one another. This happens frequently. And I just wanna just bring your awareness to something. Do you realize that, I think it was a therapist, I was reading something recently from a therapist that's something like 60 to 70 to 75% of all relationships. And now let's think about this for a second. Roughly about 40 to 50% of all marriages end in divorce. A roughly 60 to 65% of second marriages end in divorce. And roughly 75% of third marriages end in divorce, okay? So those are the ones who got married. What about all the people that are dating? They begin a relationship with one another and then it doesn't work out. This is happening habitually every minute of every day. I am sure there's a new relationship being formed every 22 seconds and there's a breakup happening every 21 seconds and I'm just being tongue in cheek here. My point in bringing this up is, see this is all a matter of understanding who's truly compatible with you so you can have better results. And this is where I see a poor job of vetting by women because women tend to have a propensity of wanting partnership more so than men. Men after divorce and since my audience is the over 40 crowd which roughly 75% of the population who is single over 45 years old is most likely divorced. That's anecdotal by the way. A lot of men are gun shy. Women tend to have a greater propensity to want commitment more so than men. I don't know exactly that percentage that they tend to most often. So if men are gun shy and women seek relationship then it's incumbent upon you to spot the men who are unable to commit. And if you need some help and support with that, right there's a link. Schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. And there'll be a link in the first comment when this video is over and also in the description of this video to connect with me. Okay, really quickly I see one of you wrote thank you for responding but I'm talking about a real narcissist. I've known for many years. Love your programs, Jonathan. Okay, yes, there are plenty of narcissists out there. At the same time, the term narcissist gets thrown about. Now let me give you an example of this. I once dated a woman. This was back 2016. We met through Facebook. We met for drinks one night. And as we, I remember our second date she had been married before. And I said, what happened in your marriage? And she was married to a famous drummer in a rock and roll band. She said, he was a narcissist. And I'm like, well, you know, people in that industry might be. And I said, what happened to the last man you dated? And she goes, oh, he was a narcissist. And I said, what happened to the man before that you dated? And she goes, oh, he was a narcissist. In fact, if I was keeping a tally, I think she had five or six narcissists in her life. And I'm thinking, well, I'm not a narcissist. I'll be her hero. Sure enough, just like those men we were speaking of, we dated for about six weeks. Yes, we did have sex together. And I realized she wasn't much fun to be with. She was, our personalities were totally different. Our communication styles were different. Our sense of humor were different. And I thought, you know what? It's better to cut. I'm gonna say my cut my losses now. And I ended the relationship. Do you know what ended up happening on Facebook the next day? Bold letters. I just broke up with another narcissist. I'm like, I got labeled a narcissist. Just, and so my point is for the person that wrote, a lot of men get labeled a narcissist just because they end a relationship with you or they were a little bit self-serving. The reality is as most humans are a bit self-centric in their dating practices because it's about, we as a society hyper focus on our own needs more so than actually putting ourselves in the other person's shoes. So how do we spot the men who are commitment oriented versus the ones who are going to use you? And when I say use you there's the perception of being used and actually being used. So a player, somebody who is habitually dating multiple women at the same time, he's using you. How do you spot that guy? He's non-committal from the very get-go. He doesn't want commitment. He clearly says I'm not looking for a relationship. Now, the fact is his players can say they're looking for a relationship. Here's where you have to pin them down. What's your definition of a relationship? See, my definition of a relationship is spending three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in your personal and your professional life intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's the standard I was looking for. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship. We've been talking habitually on our phones for the last five to six months. And we've never met with one another. What am I supposed to do? Folks, let me tell you something. A significant percentage of you are engaging in cyber relationships. Cyber relationships can lead down many rabbit holes. One is a person wasting your time. Number two, they can use you as their therapist. Number three, I recently read a comment on one of my posts. She said, it's like emotional prostitution that's coming back to the therapist comment. So first off, if you want a relationship to take off then you're physically going to have to see each other on a regular basis. This casual cyber relationships rarely ever work out for the long run. So if you wanna be able to spot a man who can commit, you gotta find those men where you can physically see them on average of a couple of times a week at the bare minimum to form a healthy happy relationship with someone. Because now a player only makes a limited amount of time for you. Marie talks about a friend of hers that has what he calls the Monday girl, the Tuesday girl, the Wednesday girl and the girl he reserves for weekends. Please forgive my terminology for girl that was her language, not mine, okay? So with that said, what else? What other signs can we spot a man unable to commit? He's going through a significant divorce or he's going through a breakup or he just went through a breakup. He has a contentious relationship with his ex. He has troubles in his professional life. He's got health issues. What we're really talking about when the ground underneath a person isn't very solid, they might engage in a relationship with someone they might even be monogamous and exclusive. However, that ground underneath them gives them an exit clause for ending a relationship. You see a man who's ready to commit, the ground underneath him is relatively solid. That includes he's not going through a contentious divorce. His professional life is in order. And for the most part, he's got, if he has children, there's not a lot of drama going on within his ex or his family, that sort of thing. Those are all solid signs. He has the capacity to commit and he certainly can't use it as his exit clause. And sadly, when a man uses that as an exit clause, the reality is is your relationship didn't build the deep roots of trust to support the relationship. But Jonathan, I'm told I should just lean back and my feminine energy and let a man lead because any time I make any effort, I'm in my masculine energy. I was watching another video or was watching a video this morning from a woman coach that says when a woman isn't in her anxiety, she is in her masculine energy. Wow. So does that mean when a man's in anxiety, he's in his masculine energy and we all know how much you love masculine energy, man. I'm being rhetorical, of course. Folks, when a person isn't in a state of anxiety, that is neither masculine or feminine. If someone is trying to get a bid for attention, that's neither masculine or feminine. That's just a person that isn't feeling loved because they haven't built the deep roots of trust. One of the things we work on in my private coaching, and by the way, I just got an email from a client. Maybe I should share this with you all. Bear with me one second. I just wanna pull this up. It's gonna take me a second to find it. I hope I can find it. Bear with me. Come on, Jonathan, find this email. Okay, here we go. Actually, let me show you this one. Okay, here's a woman who just worked with me over a year ago, all excited to show you the engagement ring. Here's a picture of her and her guy. And what she wrote, there's another picture with her and her guy. Can you see that? Hope you can. Very excited for her. And what she said was, hey, Jonathan, got me the most emotionally available, loving, vulnerable man ever. He even watches your videos and other personal development stuff that I turned him on to. He wasn't ready when we first started dating last year, but came back with a vengeance and has been so good to me. All the cards are on the table. We talk about values and standards and boundaries and finances and habits and traumas. We're a line. We tested ourselves by traveling together. He's also a badass man who's six foot five and I'm five foot two. It's a bonus he's hot. Our wedding date is 2024. I share this with you because she followed my recipe for success. That is learning how to establish true compatibility with one another. Many of you do such a poor job at this. It's no wonder you feel like you're being used. And in addition, I taught her the skills through radical honesty, what I call pre-qualifying your prospect, but more importantly to determine his emotional maturity. And this is a guy who watches my videos. So what's interesting, I see a common thread with the women who work with me. They all say the same thing. Jonathan, I've turned the man on to the work we've done together and it has been gold because so many men are actually thirsty for some type of emotional connection. Believe it or not, as much as you might think that men are users and players, well, a significant percentage of men actually seek a fully committed relationship. However, there are a lot of dysfunctional men out there. Yes, they have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that make it very difficult for them to lean into a healthy, happy relationship the ground underneath them isn't solid. How can you spot these men? I highly recommend reading the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This will be a deep dive for you to observe your own negative patterns and limiting beliefs in life that cause you, or excuse me, your childhood wounds and traumas that cause you to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in your life. Again, there's a link below. It really piggybacks my own book, what the heck is self love anyway? So, are you being used, or is he experiencing you're not the right woman for him? Here's the reality. A lot of men, just like you women, don't know what they want. They really don't. This is why I'm here to say ladies, you can sit in your feminine energy and wait for a guy to lead, but here's the thing. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny, don't leave that to men. Most men are winging it. Your job is to vet for compatibility and ask the deeper questions and also to lead by example, to develop emotional maturity in the relationship. If you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend reading this book. See, many of you think you're good at this stuff. You're not. How do I know this? And just working with a client today, I'm so happy that the work we did together has now taken her relationship that was a so-so and now has built the deeper roots of trust that they're actually leaning into partnership now. See, she didn't know what the hangup was. Many of you are with men. You don't know what the real hangup is. All you're doing is complaining about what's wrong. Instead of observing, what positive things am I learning about myself in this relationship? What is good and what am I grateful for? And how can we recognize that we both aren't perfect for one another and yet, are we willing to invest in one another and it requires deeper conversations to get there? Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right. I think you get the gist of differentiating between the men who didn't use you. They just didn't think you were fit for them versus the men who are most likely going to use you. Those are the men whose lives aren't very stable and you're going to feel used because these men are only capable of occasional companionship, occasional sex, occasional connection without that deep need for commitment. And we have to work on determining who those men are. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please post a comment below. If this did resonate with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Please hit that notification bell as well. All right. Let's check out. It's time for Q and A. If you have a question for me, write the word question, then post the question there after or you can purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat. All of the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him and his woody outfit right there. By the way, that's his brother and it's his birthday today. My oldest turn 27 today. Give some props out to Colin for happy birthday. And if you would like to hit that little dollar sign to donate, we do donate to the Hoffman Institute Insights Seminars and also Seeds of Love out of Columbia. All right. Let's see what kind of comments we have so far. Oh, I'm just gonna read what Kimberly wrote. The woman who just judged me, Jonathan, for my speak to you, they are not in the mankind, Jay. Anything I have been through to judge me, shame on them, please speak to this. Okay, folks, I really would prefer an amount of respect. Here's the thing. When people post comments, you're only getting a snippet of what their actual thought is. So in some cases, what was written down may not actually be an accurate representation. And let me just remind everyone, when you judge another person, I want you to put a mirror up because that's a reflection of you. Anytime we judge someone harshly or negatively, a person you don't even know, you don't have a right to judge them. Folks, I get judged all the time. You folks have no idea what goes on in my life but one hour or one hour every other day that you see my videos. And I get judged for it. To me, that's just a reflection of you. If you're not familiar with the book, the four agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, I highly recommend reading this. First and foremost, the first agreement, it's not in this order. Always do your best. Be impeccable with your word. People's projection, people's opinion of you is their projection from themselves. And lastly, don't make assumptions. This is what was happening, Kimberly, in this dynamic. I highly recommend the person who was judging you to read this book, and I highly recommend you to read this book if you haven't already done so. Okay. All right. Justique says, amen brother, thank you so much. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have. Happy birthday, Jade says to my son. They way to go, Leafs, thank you so much. All right. Leafs says also, Narx aren't diagnosed clinically until 18 years or older. And it's almost always a court order to get them to a psychologist willing to diagnose. So you just can't imagine the number not diagnosed. Here's my thoughts on this. Human beings are rather self-centric. It means the world revolves around them. That's, it's, you know, it's a small person. I think most humans operate that way. Now they get labeled as narcissistic. The other thing is, okay, can I be honest with you all? I've gaslight people. Does that make me a narcissist? What I mean to say is I've gotten defensive when I disagree with someone. I've declared how my point of view was different than theirs. And I've convinced them that my point of view was true. Does that make it gaslighting, for example? In fact, we're gonna talk about this tomorrow in an interview. But I think a lot of people get labeled as a narcissist when they weren't clinically diagnosed. I have read the list of qualities of a narcissist. I've, I met one timer and my other hit every single one. Does that make me a narcissist? I would tell you, most people who know me feel like I'm very empathetic towards them. I habitually apologize because I can put my foot in my mouth regularly. I've done stupid things. I'm called a human being. I think a lot of human beings get labeled. But what's the benefit of labeling them a narcissist? You see, my point of view is to look inward. Why did I accept the behavior of someone who is different than myself? Why did I accept the behavior? And really look inward and ask yourself, what can I do differently? Rather than hyper-focusing on what someone did towards you that wasn't pleasant, hyper-focus on how you're going to do things different in the world going forward. That's my invitation for everyone. And I might get judged for that and I might get some people to say, oh my God, you're bad, you're bad, you're bad, Jonathan. Am I really bad? The people who all know me seem to love me. I think that's a good sign that I'm not a bad person. All right, let's keep going here. Kimberly says, it's amazing information. Happy birthday, thank you so much. Rose says, I love your videos. I just wish I could have found you sooner. It would have saved me a lot of heartache. You know, it's interesting. I began coaching by learning by my own mistakes. But guess what? That was part of the journey. See, going through all these experiences and what I feel like makes me unique is unlike some of my contemporaries who are in their 20s and 30s or even 40s who got married at that point in their life, I've been through divorce. I've been through alimony and child support and visitation rights and family court. I lost my high paying corporate job and I was living practically in my parent's basement. It wasn't that, but I am at age 40. So I know what it's like to, and at one point, like I said, I was living in a significant home. I know what it's like to be at the top. I know what it's like to be a bottom. I know it at the bottom. I know what it's like to be a man. I know it's like to be a man trying to connect with a woman. This is where I share from the male perspective because you women are fascinated with why do men do this and why do men do that? What really matters most is what are you going to do for yourself? This is why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A Journey, a Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. By the way, the link below to get a copy of my book. Why am I recommending this? See, dating and relationships trigger the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. And while my book isn't a dating book, and believe me, mine is a rudimentary, basic, second grade version of what self love is all about, but more importantly, it's an invitation to begin a journey for yourself where you incorporate on a daily basis, personal development, self-help, spiritual work, therapy, whatever allows you to find that place of harmony within yourself. Now, recognizing that most relationships are dysfunctional. See, it's about learning the most important relationship in your life is the relationship with yourself. See, Esther Perrell said, the value of our relationships dictate the value of our life. It starts with the relationship with self and that's my invitation for everyone. That's why I scream at the top of my lungs to encourage you all to do more work. All right, let's keep going. Fiona writes, what does it mean if a guy keeps asking me out regularly on casual hangout but isn't asking me out on a date? You know, I've been thinking a lot about this lately. How do you get to know someone to hang out with them? You do things together. Now, I would prefer that you do social activities, hobbies, mutual interest instead of hanging out at someone's home and doing Netflix and chill. That would be my preference versus going out to dinner. Now, if that's what you meant, as with respects to date, what does it mean? What you're not doing is talking about why do you wanna spend time with me? What's the purpose of it? What's your intent? You know, folks, I wish I could be there for you on a first date. I'm your big brother. I'd have the shotgun pointed at the guy's face and I'd say, what's your intentions with my little sister? See, it's him coming upon you to determine his intention. So what does it mean? Why don't you ask him? Folks, many of you have duck poop over your nose. You're afraid to speak up because you're afraid to lose someone. You can only lose someone who isn't yours. See, if you speak from the heart, you really can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So Fiona, why don't you ask him? What the heck are we doing and why? Okay, can you give that a shot? Please let me know. Nicole writes, dating a man who recently lost his dad and had to take over the family business. We have amazing chemistry, but I want more of his time. Currently only one, we only currently only see each other one time a week. What should I do? Well, are you having regular sex together? Oh, maybe it's in chemistry probably. What sounds like he isn't available for much more of a relationship. Now for many people, one day a week is all that they have a capacity for in a relationship. So that basically means 52 days out of 365 days in a year. I will tell you to build the deep roots of trust and I sound like a broken record. Does anyone, can you recite after me? The best opportunity to create a successful relationship would be to do social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in your personal and your professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. If he doesn't have a capacity for that, then maybe you should just be dating other men. Don't be sleeping with anyone, date other men, because here's your downfall. Jonathan, we have this amazing chemistry. The chemistry is so amazing. I mean, oh my God, I have multiple orgasms. It's so wonderful. See, amazing chemistry doesn't lead to relationship success. The other day, Marie and I were telling you about a Netflix series we watch called Fake Profile. It's about a man and woman who meet on Tinder and they have the most amazing off the charts chemistry. Only to find out that he's married and she was lying about her profession. And it goes down an interesting twisted rabbit hole. By the way, it's not worth it, it's a cheesy show. But my point is amazing chemistry doesn't equal relationship success. What does equal relationship success? Shared values, blendable lifestyles and more importantly, emotional maturity. That's what's more important to call and that's my invitation for you. Tamara wants to piggyback on something I said, we also need to look at our own behavior and why are we attracting the same dysfunctional men over and over and over again. Now, Tamara, I wanna be candid with you. You could reach into a barrel of men, 20 men, roughly about 14 or 15 of them are going to be dysfunctional. But guess what, if I reached into a barrel of women, 14, 15 women are going to be dysfunctional. We are swimming in the sea of dysfunctionality. So the job is to improve your picker. That's what I do. I teach this in my coaching, check out the link below. All right. Leif says, Jonathan, we all have narcissistic traits. Missing comment explained that there are nine traits, seven, sometimes six of the nine are required for diagnosis. Dr. Rami, Les Carter, Carmen. At one point and another, I think I've gotten at least six out of nine, okay? But then again, you can take things out of context. It's people that have habitually, in my opinion, unable to apologize for their bad behavior, people that don't have empathy. Oftentimes, I'm just picking on those two. And those that deny the truth or deny reality habitually, oftentimes are narcissists, okay? All right, thanks, Leif's. Debbie says, Jonathan, question, if I have apprehensions about his identity online, how do I get him to tell me the truth? Great question. Well, here's what you do. If he is not willing to give you his first and last name, if he's not willing to do FaceTime with you, if he's not willing to give you a social media footprint of who he is, don't engage. Folks, we are swimming in a sea of so many strangers. It's scary, and what I mean to say is most likely everyone we meet today is a stranger. We need to know people who know them. See, I want you to think back. Hundreds, if not thousands of years ago, we all made it in the tribes we lived in. And even up until about the 1950s or 60s, we made it with people who were in our town or maybe went to the same college at the same time. But right around the 70s, that's when things changed, when people started to meet in bars and certainly their work environment, that was roughly about the 50s and 60s as well. So bars changed everything. But most of the time you met people that lived in the same town you lived in. Now, today, you could be talking to something. Well, look, I met Marie, she lived in Chicago. Now, what did I do? We shared each other's Facebook accounts. We followed each other for a while. What do you do? You ask. Now, you have to be willing to give your own name too. That might be scary. But the reality is, is for both of you, you have to find out more about each other. I'm a big proponent of doing a background check, taking their phone number, doing a reverse lookup on it because you don't know who you're engaging in. So just like the Tinder swindler, and even then he put up a fake profile. Now, eight out of 10 times, most people are giving you their honest information, but I'd say there's about 20% of scam artists out there, so it's incumbent upon you to do your own due diligence. Debbie, I highly recommend asking as many questions before you ever meet them in person, and certainly before you ever get physically with a man, try to meet people he knows so you can at least get some sense of who he is. That's my invitation for you. Thank you, Debbie. Michelle wants to go on and say, Jonathan, you are the farthest thing from a narcissist. Thank you, I've been labeled a narcissist. So there you go. Question, I try, oh, Zengal, I try and live in the now. I found my boyfriend lives a lot in the past. Is that a red flag? So folks, a red flag means ask better questions. There is most likely a wound that causes the person to live in the past. I criticize Marie for living in the past. Now, for her, she has all these file cabinets in her head so she can pull out a file cabinet from the past and go pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, recite everything. My file cabinets are all made out of glass and there's nothing in them, and I can't even find them as my point. So living in the here and now is a very beautiful thing. But at the same time, we have to honor our presence and we have to honor where we're going. Can a, is it a red flag? Red flag means ask deeper questions and maybe through those, that invitation of dialogue, you can actually get to know the person at a deeper level to determine if they're capable of going beyond their wounds from their past and actually lean into a healthy, happy relationship. Does that help Sengal? I hope so. C.H. says, you can ask however they can say today and maybe different later. Yeah, you know, we have to, it's difficult because to some degree we have to take what a person says on face value and at the same time, at the same time, you know, people, human beings are dysfunctional. Even the emotionally mature people are dysfunctional as well. This is part of the journey. I think the reason why my clients have successes, they don't operate from a place of dependency. They operate from a place of interdependency. They're not attached to the outcome. They're more focused on determining are we really a good fit for one another? Instead of hyper focusing on chemistry, they hyper focus on values, lifestyle and maturity. Jade writes, that's a great question. What is your reason for wanting to spend time with me? Can that, can likely weed out the questionables with this question? Yeah, just, you know, start. Listen, folks, I love this meme. I'm gonna share this with you all. Bear with me a second. It's in my favorites. Hope you can see this. I hate small talk. I wanna talk about atoms, death, alien sex, magic, intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, the music that makes you feel different, your memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite scent, your childhood, what keeps you up at night? Your insecurity and fears. I like people who speak with death or speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know what's up. Folks, most of you, I mean, I gotta tell you something. I'm laughing sometimes at the idiocracy of human beings. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Most of you focus on what your day is all about and many of you are. Now I get, you don't have the tools in your tool chest to really go deeper. This is why I recommend reading these books. Here's another book. Where is it? I hear you by Michael Sorenson, the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships. You know, Marie didn't have to do any of this work because I did all the work for the both of us. And she happens to be an excellent communicator to begin with. Many of you think you're good at communicating and just because you have a propensity to vomit your emotions doesn't mean it lands on us, men. So how do you get better at this? Read this stuff and learn so you can be better prepared when you're engaging in a relationship with someone. And look, I get it, men should be doing this too. But here's the thing, men are trainable. Did you know that? Men are trainable. The right guy who genuinely cares about you, he'll engage with whatever you want him to. If, again, if he's open-minded, closed-minded men, controlling men, alpha males, they won't do anything because it's their way or the highway. I'm here to encourage you to choose men of good character, of kindness, of empathy, of responsibility, but more, most importantly, open-mindedness. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay, here we go. Camille. Can a relationship be sustainable if we do not move in together? I think it keeps it light, sexy, and romantic. Am I the only one, can it last? It's been five and a half years for us. Well, I guess that what, do you wanna just live in separate homes for the rest of your life? I mean, I hope not. That's not what I'm all about. The challenge is, how often do you see each other? If you're seeing each other three or four days and nights a week together, then that's not a problem. If you're seeing each other once a week, what is the guy doing on those weeks you're not together? I mean, I'm asking it as a question, Camille. But the idea that it keeps it sexy and romantic, yeah, I know that people that live together can probably get into a routine and that'd be boring, but couples that know how to spice it up can do that whether they're living together or not. My only concern is if you're not, here's the problem. You decide to move in together five years from now only to find out you're a nightmare when you're living together. That's something I'm concerned about. So anyways, Camille, can it work? Absolutely can it work. You don't have to move in together, but I will say regular time together builds the deep roots of trust. All right, let's see. Gina says, I listened to eight dates today. This book seems like it's mostly for existing couples. Which book would better suited for a single person looking for Mr. Right? Well, great question. All right, I want you to check out this book by Barbara DeAngelis. Are you the one for me knowing who's right and avoiding who's wrong? This is a thick ass book, but I love this book. I'm gonna open up the book. Chapter one, love is not enough. Why we choose the people we love. Falling in love for all the wrong reasons. The six biggest mistakes we make in the beginning of a relationship and going on. This book, there is a link below to Jonathan recommends books. Here, I want you to go to jonathanasley.com forward slash book hyphen recommendation. There's a link below. There'll be a link. If you're watching the replay, there'll be a link in the copy. The first comment as well. Are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngelis? I highly recommend that book. Great question. Let's see. Let's see. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum. Oh, Camille says they see each other three times a week. You know, I think my concern with that is the, my concern with that, is it a casual relationship or are you actually teammates with one another? That would be my concern with it. Is are you teammates with one another? Okay. Jade wants to go on to say that's a thick ass book. Exactly. It's a thick ass book. Highly recommend. Are you the one for me by Barbara DeAngelis? Oh, CeCe writes, I missed this one. Marie mentioned on your live video that she ran a background checks. Do you know which background check website she used? You know, I don't know, but there's a gazillion of them online. I think what was the one been verified is one that I used, been verified. Thankfully, we were both on each other's social media. So in our particular case, and I've got a social, I've got, by the way, if you Google my name, there's over 10,000 hits. I actually think of my graduating class. I am the highest ranked Google person of the people that graduated from the high school I went to. So I think it's hard not to find stuff about me. Happy goes on to say, what if you do not have social media and choose not to? Well, good question. So not everybody uses social media. Most people have a LinkedIn, but they might have a LinkedIn. Most, here's the thing. If someone doesn't have a Google footprint, then I get a little concerned. I don't know why, but there, you know, if there's not, then the real question is, then how do you find out who they are? You're gonna need their app. You're gonna have to need some information. I'm not opposed to hiring a private investigator for someone. If they are a complete stranger and you know nothing about them and you really like this person, I would invest the money in a private investigator. Tell the person you're gonna hire a private investigator. But when you're engaging with a total stranger that has no social media footprint, you gotta find out people they know or you gotta find out about this person because A, you don't know if they're, by the way, there's a Netflix series, or not series, movie called Missing, Missing. It's about a man or woman who met through a dating app and it turns out he was a former, I don't wanna spoil it, but I'll just tell you, this is the story about a young woman who's trying to find her mother who goes missing. It's on Netflix, it's called Missing. By the way, part of the show is in Cartagena, Colombia where Marie is from, okay? But my point for bringing this up, and by the way, he didn't know about her either. So we are swimming in a sea of strangers. And if you don't, by the way, you might wanna check out the book by Malcolm Gladwell called Talking to Strangers. You might wanna check out this book too because when you're dealing with strangers, we have to do a lot more discernment, a lot more discernment. And if you didn't have a social media footprint, I'd do a background check on you. If I was interested in you romantically, I'd probably, and if you had no social media footprint, I'd wanna find out people that know you, find out how long you lived in the place, the home you lived in, all those kinds of things. Folks, it's just as much for your protection as for the protection of the man, okay? That's just my two cents anyway. All right, let's keep going here. Oh, Camille says they're in a committed relationship. Well, that's great to hear. By the way, folks, can you hit that like button? Can you please show this video? Can you please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell. Don says, he ditched me two days ago and I couldn't be happier, smooth talker, but all talk for six months. Thank God it was only a text relationship. All right, Don, please forgive me because I'm gonna be kind of crash. Why are you women engaging in six-month text relationships? Please tell me, Don, you were dating other men, you were physically meeting other men in your life. Otherwise, this was a cyber relationship. I guess it's good that he's gone out of your life, but did you waste six months on one person? Please, ladies, please, please, please don't do that. Meet men in real life. Okay, Stacey goes on to write. I need to know where to meet quality men, live in a small town in Vermont and have been single 12 years. Even my daughters, 29 and 30, have never had a real relationship. It's heartbreaking to feel this impulse. Okay, now here's the challenge. These days, roughly 60, if not 70% of all new relationships are happening through an online connection. Okay, so if you wanna meet in real life, then you have to physically be surrounded by single, eligible people. That means maybe church groups. That may be joining a meetup group. That's maybe means joining a pickleball group. Start interacting with people and start asking people to introduce you to single, eligible men, okay? Otherwise, you're gonna be, and I get it, you're 29 and 30-year-old daughters. Even my son, who's a, I think a handsome man says it's very difficult to meet people today because we're meeting total strangers. Develop a network of friends and start like a spider's web. Start putting yourself out there as many possible places to connect with people, Stacey. That's my invitation for you. All right. Jane says, yes, people Google, you look for data on you and age and give locations. Yep. Oh, here's a good one. Someone says, Jane says, check local police of the city they live in. That's an interesting thought. Kimberly Zengal says, please hit that like button. Thank you so much. Kimberly says, yes, Jonathan, I've been mistreated the way you say. I have been very loving and it doesn't work no matter what because this person cares more about themselves. I'm writing my own book. Well, I wish you luck in that book. But just remember, not one man represents all men. CC says, thank you for answering my question. My friend is worried about a guy she dated any soul stuff from her house. Yeah, that can happen too. Do you think we should ask for a financial retainer and put that in escrow with people? But I'm fine, I'm just being silly. Gina says, hi, you mentioned that Marie sometimes lived in the past. How do you handle her insecurities? Well, first off, I don't want to characterize them as insecurities. And it's the thankfully, to some degree, I have done enough personal development, self-help and spiritual work that I have a therapist's quality in me, number one. Number two, I recognize that we all are releasing stuff in our life when we talk about the past. And for some, they might, now I didn't feel like she was stuck in the past because in the beginning she was sharing information for me about her experiences to tell me who she was. But we sometimes, she and I have our own differences of our life experiences. What happens is when you develop a partnership with someone, you recognize that each one of us has wounds and the goal is to hold space for our partner when they are in that wound. Recognizing that most of the time we have great experiences throughout the day with each other and then sometimes we have things that take us off track. That doesn't mean it's bad, it just means these are things we live with. So I hope that answered your question. And believe me, I have my own issues that she's got to put up with habitually. Gina says, never marrying as complete stranger ever again, did it twice, nightmares. Second one was from a dating site. Again, that has nothing to do with the dating site, it's just simply he was a stranger. Polly says, I always hit the like button. Jane wants to go on and share, men are at Home Depot, Family Local Bar, car dealership mall in men's clothing stores, golf courses, smile, flirt across the room, way to go. Dawn says I met, oops, Dawn says I met the last two guys from church, it doesn't change, last two guys from a church, it doesn't change who they are. Well, whether they go to church or not, by the way, dysfunctional human beings are everywhere. Doesn't mean that they're not at church, just because someone goes to church. Church is a place to work through our stuff too. So most humans don't do the necessary inner work to actually grow from within. I'm sure a significant percentage of you might believe you're emotionally mature when I probably could tell you that you've got your own issues too, we all have it. That's called life, that's why it's called a journey. Then Gal says, how did you achieve a C through a filing cabinet? You know, I think what I meant by that is, and this is a sore subject for me, I tend to have a poor memory, I tend to not remember things, and I feel very ashamed of that to some degree. It's one of the reasons why I repeat myself over and over and over again, because like they say, learning to play an instrument requires repetition. That's why I repeat myself, and I'm repeating myself and repeating myself. So with that said, but some ways I don't also hyper focus on the bad things, but in some ways I don't remember the good things. That's why I had a camera when I was younger, I wished I journaled when I was younger, I wished I took more pictures of my children when they were younger. So a lot of memories, a lot of experiences are lost in my file cabinets because they're clear and I can't find them. But anyways, that's a hope that I answered your question. All right, Lynn writes, I'm married but love watching you and my 19 year old watches you too. Does all your advice apply to her age range as well? Would you tell her something different due to her age she admires you? To the extent that I can help a 19 year old out, 19 year olds, no disrespect to your daughter, haven't really formed enough of their, their brain isn't fully formed yet, nor have they had enough experiences. My advice to a 19 year old is if you have a propensity to get attached to someone through physical experiences, then I would prolong getting physical with someone until you can assess who they are and what do they really want in life. I would also incorporate your mother and family in your selection process. Does any of you, do any of you watch the show Indian matchmaker or the Jewish matchmaker? What I love about these two shows on Netflix is the family is part of the decision-making process. A person is less likely going to use you if your family is in actively involved in the getting to know you phase because there's, and you get to use their perspective on vetting the person just as much as your own. So my invitation for your daughter Lynn is you be involved in the decision-making process of whoever she dates and certainly whomever she sleeps with. But Jonathan, oh my God, I, she wouldn't want that. Listen, it's for her best interests. I would tell her as her big uncle, this is what I would do for you and you have to say yes to this. And by the way, watch the show Indian matchmaker and Jewish matchmaker. Gina says, yes, we are all flawed and our experience brought us to where we're at today eclectically. Jane says, I will put an ad in local paper in want ads. This worked for my friend and had guys mail letter box to her PO box. You know what? I'd give it a shot. Who knows? I don't read the paper much anymore, but who knows? How about creating a chess club or a book club for men and women? Anyone try speed dating? Yes. I love that idea, especially a book club. All right, this will probably be our last question of the night. Do you know what happens when a man is losing his libido? Is it permanent? Can a relationship work and keep on going with less sex? It's scary. We have such a great relationship. Well, here's the thing ladies. By the time a man hits around 38 to 40 his testosterone levels begin to decrease. Okay? His estrogen levels actually begin to increase. Now, this is one of the reasons why a lot of men and women take hormone supplements, but within that decreased testosterone his libido might start to wane. Look at, I'm a baby boom. I'm a late gen baby boomer or Gen X or baby boomer. And I'm noticing my libido wasn't what it was 20 years ago. Thankfully I have a strong libido. So even my fraction of what some men might or even my half is more than a lot of men. Okay, with that said, I was bragging for a second. This is something I talk about. Now, just recognize that I think you told me that you only see each other three times a week. My hope is if you said before you're keeping it light and sexy and whatnot then he's not having sex with you the four days a week, you're not together. So hopefully you're connecting together. But of Jane says they've got pumps to help them out. I know some men that take a syringe and put a shot in their penis. Certainly there's a blue pill and I use the blue pill. So, but the reality is is as we age and I don't know how old you are. Oh, he had testicular cancer. You know, there could be a lot of shame associated with him as well, but my hope is that even when his peepee isn't working his tongue works. Oh my God, Jonathan, I can't believe you were talking about oral sex, okay? But you are the blue pill. I see that, oh, I gotta post that. You are the blue pill, oops. Now that's funny, so thank you so much. C.C. says my Siamese cat next to me is watching you, way to go. Folks, I hope I brought value to you tonight sharing certainly in the Q&A and talking about spotting the men are unable to commit. If he's using you or just remember a lot of men might find that you're not right for them. That doesn't mean you got used. It just means the two of you weren't a fit. Just like it happens for you, it happens to men as well. We talked about narcissists a bit. I think that gets abused as a conversation more often than not. The reality is is most human beings are good people. Also, and the fact is most human beings are very self-centric to some degree or another. That is just the makeup of our world and our society. And keep in mind we're meeting total strangers. So it is kind of convoluted. This is why I'm so grateful that my clients who work with me seem to have better results because I put the odds in their favor. If you need some support with that, check out the link to a discovery call to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, did you find value tonight? Please post a comment below. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. And please subscribe to my channel and hit the bell as well. And I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow of self-love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Jane and Zengal and Stacy and Miss Ashley and Camille and Spitfire. Oh, Jane, I already said mango, Barbie, Leafs is in the house. Kimberly, Rebecca, let's see. Who else? Roller girl and all of you big, oh Lynn, thanks so much. Have a fab evening, you be well. Thanks, bye now.