 Remember a hallmark card when you care enough to send the very best. Tonight from Hollywood the makers of hallmark greeting cards bring you Mr. Jack Benny and Stephen Lee Cox my financial career on the Hallmark Playhouse. Each week Hallmark will bring you Hollywood's greatest stars in outstanding stories chosen by one of the world's best known authors, Mr. James Hilton. For a Christmas greeting your friends will long remember make your selections now from the complete hallmark collection on display at the friendly store where you buy hallmark cards. Whatever your taste, whatever your budget, you'll take special pride in sending hallmark cards. And on the back of everyone is the identifying hallmark that says you cared enough to send the very best. And now it is Hallmark's pleasure to present the distinguished novelist Mr. James Hilton. Good evening ladies and gentlemen this is James Hilton. Tonight the Hallmark Playhouse presents the dramatization of a short story by Stephen Lee Cox entitled My Financial Career. Since this story concerns a man and a bank and the insertion of the man's funds therein too, we of the Hallmark Playhouse felt that the role of the man should be portrayed by an actor with a thorough knowledge of banking and a deep love and a great respect for all matters monetary. In casting about for such a personality one name kept cropping up and that name was Jack Benny. Accordingly we opened negotiations with Mr. Benny and after three days in a hotel room we managed to conclude a financial arrangement which satisfied him and still left a few pennies for the hallmark people. Our staff of attorneys and economic consultants unanimously agreed that it was the most difficult and complicated transaction since 1803. When Thomas Jefferson purchased the Louisiana Territory from France. In view of Mr. Benny's long and familiar association with banking institutions and his easy insouciance in dealing with them, it is paradoxical that in our play tonight he portrays a character who suffers from an overwhelming dread of banks and bankers. This is perhaps the most challenging role in Mr. Benny's career and should provide the severest test of his histrionic ability. And now without further preamble we present Mr. Jack Benny as Rodney Beamish in our very free adaptation of Stephen Leacock's My Financial Career. I have three children, a son 26, a daughter 12 and a little boy just six months old. I don't believe in rushing things. In dress I'm conservative. I always wear a black frock coat, a derby hat and a ride to work every day on a bicycle. For the past 19 years I have been employed as a troubleshooter in the zipper department of the Eagle Clothes Company. My wife and I and our three children share a large, airy, comfortable room in a modern, attractive garage. I mention all these things to show that I'm a normal, average citizen. Yet I was singled out by fate to bear an awful burden. All my life I have been a slave to one terrible morbid obsession. I am possessed with an overpowering, craven dread of bank. My knees turn to water and I sort of float the rest of the way. For the past 19 years I have been saving my money a little each month. Until now I had a mass too large to sum to keep in the house. $56. So fighting against an unreasoning fear, I started out for the bank, holding the money clutched in a crumpled ball in my pocket. When I neared the doors of the Security First National, my nerve evoked. I stopped on my tracks, unable to take another step. The doorman looked at me suspiciously. And after a couple of hours he walked over to me. Hey, mister, we don't allow loathing in front of the bank. What? You've been hanging around for two hours. Well, I plan on going in. You ain't the impulsive type, are you? No, no, it's just that... Well, I guess I'm just plain frightened. What's the matter, bud? You overdrawn? No, no, it's a psychosis. Psycho? Coses. It's Freudian. Do you know Freud? Not by name, but if he's the depositor, I know his face. No, you don't understand. It's a complex. I'm afraid of banks. I've always been afraid of them. Well, maybe something happened a long time ago that scared you. Did you ever lose money in a bank? I never lost money anywhere. Something did happen to me a long time ago. Before I was married, I was going with a girl named Alexis Lujak. She was a chocolate dipper in a candy factory. When I took her out, I loved to hold hands with her all evening and then go home and lick my fingers. His name was Bull Jensen and he was sort of a local tough. Bull was handy with his fists, but that meant nothing to me. I just put on my glasses and sat down. What are you doing here, stupid? Oh, hello, Bull. I've got a date with Alexis. Oh, you have, eh? Bull, cut it out, will you? Let go of my wrist. You're hurting me. Let go. Why don't you make me? I'm not going to tell you my secrets. I didn't tell you, but Bull Jensen's father worked in a bank. Ah, it's still... still don't make sense. Now come on, come on, walk right in. I'll help you. You see? Why? There's nothing to it. I throw constricted. My whole body quivered in the grip. I staggered over to one of the windows. The teller looked at my haggard face as if to say, What's the matter, sir? Is there anything wrong? And then he said... What's the matter, sir? Is there anything wrong? I explained to the teller that banks rattled me. He was an intelligent chap and tried to help. If you'll pardon me for saying so, sir, I'd venture that your trouble can be traced to some psychological upheaval in the past. Now that's what I keep telling myself, but I just won't listen. Try to think back, sir. Is there any incident you remember that would have some bearing on this neurosis? No, no, nothing. But wait. Yes, I do remember. An incident that happened many years ago when I was in college. How the girls used to flock around me when I played my mandolin. Oh, I was handsome in those days. My chested hair was naturally wavy. And sometimes an unruly curl would slip down and nestle against my forehead. I had flashing white teeth. And when I smiled, two dimples would hold my mouth in parenthesis. Our football team was playing State U in the biggest game of the year. And we were losing 76 to nothing with only two minutes left in the game. It was beginning to look bad for our side. But the coach had been saving me for just such an emergency. Beamish! Beamish! Yes, coach. Go in that quarter. There was a roar from the crowd as I put on my helmet, whipped off my blanket, and ran out on the field. I looked down and realized I had left my pants in the locker room. The coach rushed out another pair and we went into a huddle. It was a tense moment, but they fit. The crowd roared, hitting a stone wall. I found out later they were wearing concrete jerseys. Everything went black, and when I woke up I was in the hospital. My head was so swollen it was two years after I graduated, before I could take off my helmet. Well, that was unfortunate, Mr. Beamish. But what has it got to do with you being afraid of banks? Our team lost the game. I failed when they were banking on me. But that's not reasonable. Now why don't you pull yourself together and state your business? I... I want to open an account. There. You said it. Now wasn't that easy? Just step over to that desk and ask for our cashier, Mr. Williams. I turned and started to walk across the floor. And then once more my strength seemed to melt. With that nameless dread and relentless creeping fear, I felt myself stinking, sinking into the bottom of the skin. And my brain exploded into a thousand colors. Brown, orange, green. And that certain shade of blue that was so becoming to me. And then the bottom fell out of the world. And I crashed down into the black abyss of oblivion. In a moment James Hilton will return to present the second act of my financial career, starring Jack Benny. But first, wouldn't you like to send Christmas cards this year so unusual, so beautiful, that your friends will show them to all who visit them during the holiday season? Then visit the friendly store where you buy Hallmark cards. See his collection of Hallmark personal Christmas cards. And see how true it is that whatever your taste, whatever your budget, there's a Hallmark card that you'll be proud to send. You'll be fascinated by albums of Christmas cards illustrated by famous gallery artists. Cards rich with the feel of silk and tapestry. And the cards for men with hunting scenes that set any man to dreaming. But tonight I'd like to tell you especially about the Hallmark blue book. For on every page of this beautiful album is a Hallmark card that's a heartwarming reflection of the Christmas spirit. You'll see a jolly Santa Claus. A toy train full of good wishes. Reindeer poised for flight. Evergreen so fresh you can almost smell their fragrance. The sparkling snow of a white Christmas. Yes, they're all here. All these and many more of the well-beloved Christmas symbols. In Hallmark personal card that you'll be proud to send. Card your friends will be proud to receive. For when they see the Hallmark on the back, they'll know you cared enough to send the very best. Here again is James Hilton. As we begin the second act of my financial career with Jack Benny as Rodney Beamish, we return you to the hard stone floor of the security first national bank upon which Rodney has just collapsed. The mysterious hysteria that ceases him whenever he enters a bank still holds him in merciful unconsciousness. But now he's beginning to stir. I held myself floating in a gentle sea and soft waves were splashing over my face. And then I realized that it wasn't a sea. I was lying on the floor in the bank. I had fainted and they were trying to revive me by throwing water in my face. I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Beamish. But we didn't have any water handy so we had to use ink. I looked down and saw that my white shirt was now a blue polka dot. I offered to pay for the ink, but they gave me some blotter so I could dry myself. The teller was very kind. He tried to soothe me. We chatted for about 15 minutes and then he helped me up off the floor. Now, Mr. Beamish, why don't you see our cashier, Mr. Williams, and tell him exactly what you want? I walked over to Mr. Williams, still shaking from my experience. He greeted me cordially. Well, well, are we feeling better now? We? I didn't know he had been sick too. I apologized to Mr. Williams and explained my phobia. He was very understanding. My dear Mr. Beamish, this obsession of yours about banks is merely a quirk, a twist of mind. Probably incurred through some incident in the past. Perhaps as a youth you had some trouble concerning a bank. No, no, not in my youth. But wait a minute. Yes, I do remember an incident in the past. When I was 37 years old, I ran away from home. I made my way to San Francisco and found myself in a waterfront dive. There was a tinny piano playing and the place was full of sailors. They fascinated me with their lusty manners and their salty talk. Oh, hey, matey. Mind if an old sailor drops anchor alongside? I looked up and saw a typical old seamen standing at the bar next to me. He had an ugly scar that ran from ear to ear and a sort of nasal twang where his nose should have been. I wanted to think I was a landlubber so I cried it out. I said, shiver me timbers and ask him if he'd ever been around the horn. Captain Hook's my name. I've sailed the seven seas for 40 years, man and boy, and neither of us ever regretted it. I stood there and listened to him spin his briney yawns. He was the skipper of the Nancy Bee, a trim little steamer out of Seattle by War Admiral. Pay the check. We both reached for our money. And it was then I unbeat him. He didn't have any. When he came over me, my leg started to buckle. I tried to unbuckle him, but it was too late. I sensed that I had been drugged. And I knew I was being Shanghai. Two stockers were stripped to the waist. Or is it Stoker's? Yes, it's Stoker's. Anyway, one of them kicked me in the head. Hi, matey. Briggs is my name. I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Briggs. He stuck a shovel in my hand and pointed to the blazing furnace. Faded. I flung a shovel full of coal into the fiery pit. And a tongue of flame shot out and licked my hand gratefully. Then the hatch opened and Captain Hook came in. No longer was he the kindly old tar I had met in the waterfront saloon. Now he was a... Just curvy, skulking swine. Lift that shovel. Totaly six hours a day. Twenty-six hours a day. I thought it was impossible. But he came down later and made me step my watch back two hours. Hated to make this trip. I've been away for so long. First I had to go to Paris. And then Egypt. Rio and Australia. And then when I get back, I'll have to go to Honolulu. But why do you keep doing it if you don't like it? I can't help it. You see, two years ago, I hit the giant jackpot on a quiz show. And I've been traveling ever since. I felt a strong bond between this girl and myself. Fade had played a cruel trick on both of them. For this one fleeting moment, we were free and the moon was beautiful. She leaned toward me and I reached out to unfold her, when suddenly Captain Hook was there ahead of me. He kissed her. And then with a twinkle in his eye, he turned to me and said, Yes, skulking swine. Get back to your hole before I slit your gullet. As he dragged me away by the gullet. Why should that make you afraid of banks? Oh, I neglected to tell you. Captain Hook had me flogged, because I had forgotten to bank the fire. Why don't you just forget all that and tell me how much you would like to deposit? Well, first I want to see the president. I don't know why I sit alone. But Mr. Williams is not a... I'm the president. I'm pleased to meet you, Mr. Truman. Step this way, please. We'll be safe from interruption here. You are one of Pinkerton's men, I presume. Don't surprise and ask me what I wanted of him. What do you want of me? I want of you to open an account. I intend of you to keep all my money in this bank. Of you. Please sit down, Mr. Beamish. Will you have a cigarette? Thanks. Hmm, lucky strikes. Ah, yes. First again with bankers, too. Mr. Beamish, you say you're going to keep all your money in this bank? Yes, all of it. Well, that's wonderful. Uh, exactly how much cash do you propose to deposit, Mr. Beamish? Fifty-six dollars. Fifty-six dollars? Mr. Williams. Yes, sir? This gentleman is opening an account. He took the money, made me write the sum on a slip and sign my name in a book. Miserably, I realize that. You're withdrawing all your money from the bank? Every cent. How will you have it? What? I said, how will you have the fifty-six dollars? In fifties. This is a fifty-dollar bill. Now, how do you want the six? In sixes. Thought to escape from this fragments of my life flashed in front of my eyes in a crazy unrelated pattern. She was dipping Captain Hook... Well, how far? Well, thank you, Mr. Hilton. I enjoyed it myself, even though Hallmark is a competitor of mine. You know, I carry a line of Christmas cards, too. You know, actually, Mr. Benny, Hallmark has no competitors. You see, we use the most famous artists, the best engraving, and only the finest grades of paper for our cards. Well, mine aren't quite that elaborate. I use the cardboard that comes back from the laundry in my shirts. And this time of year, there are a lot of Christmas advertising in the magazines and beautiful pictures. I clip them out and paste them on cardboards. They make lovely cards. I happen to have one right here with me if you'd care to look at it. Here is one. Here it is. Thank you. Hmm. Merry Christmas and have a new year from two lovely ladies. Which twin has the Tony? Isn't that a beautiful sentiment? Well, it's very expressive. I just have a couple of dozen left at 50 cents a piece. Hallmark puts out a very fine card for as little as 5 cents. 5 cents? Well, no wonder things have been so slow with me. Say, do you suppose I could carry the Hallmark line at the wholesale distributors' price, I mean? Well, Hallmark cards are sold only in carefully selected retail stores. Do you have a retail store? No. No, but I have a beautiful suitcase with a connection with the police department. I've got one of the best corners in Beverly Hills, you know? Well, drop in and we'll discuss it. Good night, Jack. Good night, Mr. Chips. I mean Mr. Hilton. Gee, with Hallmark cards, I can double my business. Wait till I tell Mary about this. Goodbye, Jack Benet. And thanks again for the delightful nonsense. Next week on the Hallmark Playhouse, we will present Rose Wilder Lane's Free Land, starring Martha Scott. And on succeeding weeks, we will bring you Victor Moore, Ida Lupino, and the finest stars in Hollywood. So make Thursday night your Hallmark Playhouse night. Until next Thursday then, this is James Hilton saying good night. That home of your own, education for your children, leisure time, all these can be part of your future if you invest in United States savings bonds now. The sure way to save is the automatic way through the payroll savings plan where you work or the bond a month plan where you bank. Protect your future with United States savings bonds. Tonight's story was adapted for radio by Hugh Wedlock and Howard Snyder with music composed and conducted by Lynn Murray. Our director producer is D. Engelback. Look for Hallmark cards that are so lonely in stores that have been carefully selected to give you expert and friendly service. Remember Hallmark cards when you carry enough to send the very best. This is Frank Goss saying good night to you all until next week at the same time, when James Hilton returns to present Rose Wilder Lane's Free Land, starring Martha Scott. This program came to you from the Hallmark Playhouse in the United States.