 The Confessions of St. Augustine, translated by Albert C. Outler, book 10, chapters 11 through 22. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Chapter 11 Thus we find that learning those things whose images we do not take in by our senses, but which we intuit within ourselves without images and as they actually are, is nothing else except the gathering together of those same things which the memory already contains, but in an indiscriminate and confused manner, and putting them together by careful observation as they are at hand in memory, so that whereas they formerly lay hidden, scattered, or neglected, they now come easily to present themselves to the mind, which is now familiar with them. And how many things of this sort my memory has stored up, which have already been discovered, and as I said, laid up for ready reference. These are the things we may be said to have learned and to know. Yet, if I cease to recall them even for short intervals of time, they are again so submerged and slide back, as it were, into the further reaches of the memory, that they must be drawn out again as if new from the same place. For there is nowhere else for them to have gone, and must be collected, co-gender, so that they can become known. In other words, they must be gathered up, co-agenda, from their dispersion. This is where we get the word cogitate, cogitary. For cogo, colect, and cogito, to go on collecting, have the same relation to each other as ago, do, and agito, do frequently, and facio, make, and facetito, to make frequently. But the mind has properly laid claim to this word cogitate, so that not everything that is gathered together anywhere, but only what is collected and gathered together in the mind, is properly said to be cogitated. Chapter 12 The memory also contains the principles and the unnumbered laws of numbers and dimensions. None of these has been impressed on the memory by a physical sense, because they have neither color nor sound, nor taste nor sense of touch. I have heard the sound of the words by which these things are signified when they are discussed, but the sounds are one thing, the things another. For the sounds are one thing in Greek, another in Latin, but the things themselves are neither Greek nor Latin, nor any other language. I have seen the lines of the craftsmen, the finest of which are like a spider's web, but mathematical lines are different. They are not the images of such things as the eye of my body has showed me. The man who knows them does so without any cogitation of physical objects, whatever, but intuits them within himself. I have perceived with all the senses of my body the numbers we use in counting, but the numbers by which we count are far different from these. They are not the images of these, they simply are. Let the man who does not see these things mock me for saying them, and I will pity him while he laughs at me. CHAPTER XIII All these things I hold in my memory, and I remember how I learned them. I also remember many things that I have heard quite falsely urged against them, which, even if they are false, yet it is not false that I have remembered them. And I also remember that I have distinguished between the truths and the false objections, and now I see that it is one thing to distinguish these things, and another to remember that I did distinguish them when I have cogitated on them. I remember then both that I have often understood these things, and also that I am now storing away in my memory what I distinguish and comprehend of them, so that later on I may remember just as I understand them now. Therefore I remember that I remembered, so that if afterward I call to mind that I once was able to remember these things, it will be through the power of memory that I recall it. CHAPTER XIV This same memory also contains the feelings of my mind, not in the manner in which the mind itself experience them, but very differently according to a power peculiar to memory. For without being joyous now, I can remember that I once was joyous, and without being sad I can recall my past sadness. I can remember past fears without fear, and former desires without desire. Again the contrary happens. Sometimes when I am joyous I remember my past sadness, and when sad remember past joy. This is not to be marveled at as far as the body is concerned, for the mind is one thing, and the body another. If therefore when I am happy I recall some past bodily pain, it is not so strange, but even as this memory is experienced, it is identical with the mind. As when we tell someone to remember something we say, see that you bear this in mind, and when we forget a thing we say, it did not enter my mind, or it slipped my mind. Thus we call memory itself mind. Since this is so, how does it happen that when I am joyful I can still remember past sorrow? Thus the mind has joy and the memory has sorrow, and the mind is joyful from the joy that is in it, yet the memory is not sad from the sadness that is in it. Is it possible that the memory does not belong to the mind? Who will say so? The memory doubtless is, so to say, the belly of the mind, and joy and sadness are like sweet and bitter food, which when they are committed to the memory are, so to say, passed into the belly where they can be stored, but no longer tasted. It is ridiculous to consider this an analogy, yet they are not utterly unlike. But look, it is from my memory that I produce it when I say that there are four basic emotions of the mind, desire, joy, fear, sadness. Whatever kind of analysis I may be able to make of these, by dividing each into its particular species, and by defining it, I still find what to say in my memory, and it is from my memory that I draw it out. Yet I am not moved by any of these emotions when I call them to mind by remembering them. Moreover, before I recalled them and thought about them, they were there in the memory, and this is how they could be brought forth in remembrance. Perhaps, therefore, just as food is brought up out of the belly by rumination, so also these things are drawn up out of the memory by recall. But why, then, does not the man who is thinking about the emotions and is thus recalling them feel in the mouth of his reflection the sweetness of joy or the bitterness of sadness? Is the comparison unlike in this because it is not complete at every point? For who would willingly speak on these subjects? If, as often as we use the terms of sadness or fear, we should thereby be compelled to be sad or fearful, and yet we could never speak of them if we did not find them in our memories, not merely as the sounds of the names, as their images are impressed on it by the physical senses, but also the notions of the things themselves which we did not receive by any gate of the flesh but which the mind itself recognizes by the experience of its own passions and is entrusted to the memory or else which the memory itself has retained without there being entrusted to it. Chapter 15 Whether all this is by means of images or not, who can rightly affirm? For I name a stone, I name the sun, and those things themselves are not present to my senses, but their images are present in my memory. I name the pain of the body, yet it is not present when there is no pain, yet if there is not some such image of it in my memory, I could not even speak of it, nor should I be able to distinguish it from pleasure. I name bodily health when I am sound in body, and the thing itself is indeed present in me. At the same time, unless there was some image of it in my memory, I could not possibly call to mind what the sound of this name signified, nor would sick people know what was meant when health was named, unless the same image were preserved by the power of the memory, even though the thing itself is absent from the body. I can name the numbers we use in counting, and it is not their images but themselves that are in my memory. I name the image of the sun, and this too is in my memory, for I do not recall the image of that image but that image itself, for the image itself is present when I remember it. I name memory and I know what I name, but where do I know it except in the memory itself? Is it also present to itself by its image and not by itself? Chapter 16 When I name forgetfulness and understand what I mean by the name, how could I understand it if I did not remember it? And if I refer not to the sound of the name, but to the thing the term signifies, how could I know what the sound signified if I had forgotten what the name means? When therefore I remember memory, then memory is present to itself by itself, but when I remember forgetfulness, then both memory and forgetfulness are present together, the memory by which I remember the forgetfulness which I remember. But what is the forgetfulness except the privation of memory? How then is that present to my memory which when it controls my mind I cannot remember? But if what we remember we store up in our memory, and if unless we remembered forgetfulness we could never know the things signified by the term when we heard it, then forgetfulness is contained in the memory. It is present so that we do not forget it, but since it is present we do forget. From this it is to be inferred that when we remember forgetfulness, it is not present to the memory through itself, but through its image. Because if forgetfulness were present through itself, it would not lead us to remember but only to forget. Now who will someday work this out? Who can understand how it is? Truly, O Lord, I toil with this and labor in myself. I have become a troublesome field that requires hard labor and heavy sweat. For we are not now searching out the tracks of heaven or measuring the distances of the stars or inquiring about the weight of the earth. It is I myself, I the mind, who remember. This is not much to marvel at if what I myself am is not far from me. And what is nearer to me than myself? For see I am not able to comprehend the force of my own memory, though I could not even call my own name without it. But what shall I say when it is clear to me that I remember forgetfulness? Should I affirm that what I remember is not in my memory? Or should I say that forgetfulness is in my memory to the end that I should not forget? Both of these views are most absurd. But what third view is there? How can I say that the image of forgetfulness is retained by my memory and not forgetfulness itself when I remember it? How can I say this since for the image of anything to be imprinted on the memory, the thing itself must necessarily have been present first by which the image could have been imprinted? Thus I remember carthage. Thus also I remember all the other places where I have been. And I remember the faces of men whom I have seen and things reported by the other senses. I remember the health or sickness of the body. And when these objects were present, my memory received images from them so that they remained present in order for me to see them and reflect upon them in my mind if I choose to remember them in their absence. If therefore forgetfulness is retained in the memory through its image and not through itself, then this means that it itself was once present so that its image might have been imprinted. But when it was present, how did it write its image on the memory? Since forgetfulness by its presence blots out even what it finds already written there. And yet in some way or other, even though it is incomprehensible and inexplicable, I am still quite certain that I also remember forgetfulness by which we remember that something is blotted out. Chapter 17 Great is the power of memory. It is a true marvel, oh my God, a profound and infinite multiplicity. And this is the mind and this I myself am. What them am I, oh my God? Of what nature am I? A life various and manifold and exceedingly vast. Behold in the numberless halls and caves, in the innumerable fields and dens and caverns of my memory, full without measure of numberless kinds of things, present there either through images as all bodies are or present in the things themselves as are our thoughts or by some notion or observation as our emotions are, which the memory retains even though the mind feels them no longer, as long as whatever is in the memory is also in the mind. Through all these I run and fly to and fro. I penetrate into them on this side and that as far as I can and yet there is nowhere any end. So great is the power of memory, so great the power of life in man whose life is mortal. What then shall I do, oh thou my true life, my God? I will pass even beyond this power of mind that is called memory. I will pass beyond it that I may come to thee, oh lovely light. And what art thou saying to me? See I soar by my mind toward thee who remainest above me. I will also pass beyond this power of mind that is called memory, desiring to reach thee where thou canst be reached and wishing to cleave to thee where it is possible to cleave to thee. For even beasts and birds possess memory or else they could never find their lairs and nests again nor display many other things they know and do by habit. Indeed they could not even form their habits except by their memories. I will therefore pass even beyond memory that I may reach him who has differentiated me from the four-footed beasts and the fowls of the air by making me a wiser creature. Thus I will pass beyond memory. But where shall I find thee who are the true good and the steadfast sweetness? But where shall I find thee if I find thee without memory? Then I shall have no memory of thee. And how could I find thee at all if I do not remember thee? Chapter 18 For the woman who lost her small coin and searched for it with a light would never have found it unless she had remembered it. For when it was found, how could she have known whether it was the same coin if she had not remembered it? I remember having lost and found many things, and I have learned this from that experience, that when I was searching for any of them and asked, Is this it? Is that it? I answered no, until finally what I was seeking was shown to me. But if I had not remembered it, whatever it was, even though it was shown to me, I still would not have found it because I could not have recognized it. And this is the way it always is when we search for and find anything that is lost. Still, if anything is accidentally lost from sight, not from memory as a visible body might be, its image is retained within, and the thing is searched for until it is restored to sight. And when the thing is found, it is recognized by the image of it which is within. And we do not say that we have found what we have lost unless we can recognize it, and we cannot recognize it unless we remember it. But all the while the thing lost to the sight was retained in the memory. Chapter 19 But what happens when the memory itself loses something as when we forget anything and try to recall it? Where finally do we search but in the memory itself? And there, if by chance one thing is offered for another, we refuse it until we meet with what we are looking for. And when we do, we recognize that this is it. But we could not do this unless we recognized it, nor could we have recognized it unless we remembered it. Yet we had indeed forgotten it. Perhaps the whole of it had not slipped out of our memory, but a part was retained by which the other lost part was sought for, because the memory realized that it was not operating as smoothly as usual and was being held up by the crippling of its habitual working. Hence it demanded the restoration of what was lacking. For example, if we see or think of some man we know and having forgotten his name, try to recall it, if some other thing presents itself, we cannot tie it into the effort to remember because it was not habitually thought of in association with him. It is consequently rejected until something comes into the mind on which our knowledge can rightly rest as the familiar and sought-for object. And where does this name come back from, say, from the memory itself? For even when we recognize it by another's reminding us of it, still it is from the memory that this comes, for we do not believe it as something new, but when we recall it, we admit that what was said was correct. But if the name had been entirely blotted out of the mind, we should not be able to recollect it even when reminded of it, for we have not entirely forgotten anything if we can remember that we have forgotten it. For a lost notion, one that we have entirely forgotten, we cannot even search for. Chapter 20 How then do I seek thee, O Lord, for when I seek thee, my God, I seek a happy life? I will seek thee that my soul may live, for my body lives by my soul and my soul lives by thee. How then do I seek a happy life, since happiness is not mine till I can rightly say, it is enough, this is it? How do I seek it? It is by remembering as though I had forgotten it, and still knew that I had forgotten it. Do I seek it in longing to learn of it as though it were something unknown, which either I had never known or had so completely forgotten as not even to remember that I had forgotten it? Is not the happy life the thing that all desire? And is there anyone who does not desire it at all? But where would they have gotten the knowledge of it that they should so desire it? Where have they seen it that they should so love it? It is somehow true that we have it, but how I do not know. There is indeed a sense in which when anyone has his desire he is happy, and then there are some who are happy in hope. These are happy in an inferior degree to those who are actually happy. Yet they are better off than those who are happy, neither in actuality nor in hope. But even these, if they had not known happiness in some degree, would not then desire to be happy. And yet it is most certain that they do so desire. How they come to know happiness I cannot tell. But they have it by some kind of knowledge unknown to me, for I am very much in doubt as to whether it is in the memory. For if it is in there, then we have been happy once on a time, either each of us individually or all of us, in that man who first sinned and in whom also we all died and from whom we are all born in misery. How this is I do not now ask, but I do ask whether the happy life is in the memory. For if we did not know it, we should not love it. We hear the name of it, and we all acknowledge that we desire the thing, for we are not delighted with the name only. For when a Greek hears it spoken in Latin, he does not feel delighted, for he does not know what has been spoken. But we are all delighted as he would be in turn if he heard it in Greek, unless the thing itself is neither Greek nor Latin, this happiness which Greeks and Latins and men of all other tongues long so earnestly to obtain. It is then known to all, and if all could with one voice be asked whether they wished to be happy, there is no doubt they would all answer that they would. And this would not be possible unless the thing itself, which we name happiness, were held in the memory. But is it the same kind of memory as one who having seen Carthage remembers it? No, for the happy life is not visible to the eye since it is not a physical object. Is it the sort of memory we have for numbers? No, for the man who has these in his understanding does not keep striving to attain more. Now we know something about the happy life, and therefore we love it, but still we wish to go on striving for it that we may be happy. Is the memory of happiness then something like the memory of eloquence? No, for all those some, when they hear the term eloquence, call the thing to mind even if they are not themselves eloquent. And further, there are many people who would like to be eloquent from which it follows that they must know something about it. Nevertheless, these people have noticed through their senses that others are eloquent and delighted to observe this and long to be this way themselves. But they would not be delighted if it were not some interior knowledge, and they would not desire to be delighted unless they had been delighted. But as for a happy life, there is no physical perception by which we experience it in others. Do we remember happiness then as we remember joy? It may be so, for I remember my joy even when I am sad, just as I remember a happy life when I am miserable. And I have never, through physical perception, either seen, heard, smelled, tasted, or touched my joy. But I have experienced it in my mind when I rejoiced, and the knowledge of it clung to my memory so that I can call it to mind, sometimes with disdain and at other times with longing, depending on the different kinds of things I now remember that I rejoiced in. For I have been bathed with a certain joy even by unclean things which I now detest and execrate as I call them to mind. At other times I call to mind with longing good and honest things which are not any longer near at hand, and I am therefore saddened when I recall my former joy. Where and when did I ever experience my happy life that I can call it to mind it is not I alone or even a few others who wish to be happy, but absolutely everybody. Unless we knew happiness by a knowledge that is certain we should not wish for it with a will which is so certain. Take this example. If two men were asked whether they wished to serve as soldiers one of them might reply that he would and the other that he would not but if they were asked to wish to be happy both of them would unhesitatingly say that they would. But the first one would wish to serve as a soldier and the other would not wish to serve both from no other motive than to be happy. Is it perhaps that one finds his joy in this and another in that? Thus they agree in their wish for happiness just as they would also agree if asked in wishing for joy. Is this joy what they call a happy life? Although one could choose his joy in this way and another in that all have one goal which they strive to attain namely to have joy. This joy then being something that no one can say he has not experienced is therefore found in the memory and is recognized whenever the phrase a happy life is heard. Chapter 22 Forbid it, O Lord, put it far from the heart of thy servant who confesses to thee. Far be it for me to think I am happy because of any and all the joy I have. For there is a joy not granted to the wicked but only to those who worship thee, thankfully and this joy thou, thyself art. The happy life is this to rejoice to thee in thee and for thee. This it is and there is no other. But those who think there is another follow after other joys and not the true one. But their will is still not moved except by some image or shadow of joy. End of Book 10, chapters 11 through 22 of the Confessions of St. Augustine Read by Susan Stanley in Northwest Georgia www.desertpilgrim.org www.blogspot.com Read on February the 14th 2009 Confessions by St. Augustine translated by Albert C. Outler Book 10 chapters 23 through 33 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Book 10 Chapter 23 Is it then uncertain that all men wish to be happy since those who do not wish to find their joy in thee, which is alone the happy life, do not actually desire the happy life? Or is it rather that all desire this but because the flesh lusts against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh so that they prevent you from doing what you would. You fall to doing what you are able to do and are content with that for you do not want to do what you cannot do urgently enough to make you able to do it. Now I ask all men whether they would rather rejoice in truth or in falsehood they will no more hesitate to answer in truth than to say that they wish to be happy for a happy life is joy in the truth yet this joy is in thee who art the truth, oh God my light, the health of my countenance and my God all wish for this happy life all wish for this life which is the only happy one joy in the truth is what all men wish I have had experience with many who wish to deceive but not one who wish to be deceived where then did they ever know this happy life except where they knew also what the truth is for they love it too since they are not willing to be deceived and when they love the happy life which is nothing else but joy in the truth then certainly they also love the truth and yet they would not love it if there were not some knowledge of it in the memory why then do they not rejoice in it why are they not happy why are they so fully preoccupied with other things which do more to make them miserable than those which would make them happy which they remember so little about yet there is a little light in men let them walk, let them walk in it, lest the darkness overtake them why then does truth generate hatred and why does thy servant who preaches the truth come to be an enemy to them who also love the happy life which is nothing else than joy in the truth unless it be that truth is loved in such a way that those who love something else besides her wish that to be the truth which they do love since they are unwilling to be deceived they are unwilling to be convinced that they have been deceived therefore they hate the truth for the sake of whatever it is that they love in place of the truth they love truth when she shines on them and hate her when she reviews them and since they are not willing to be deceived but do wish to deceive they love truth when she reveals herself and hate her when she reveals them on this account she will so repay them that those who are unwilling to be exposed by her she will indeed expose against their will and yet will not disclose herself to them thus, thus truly thus the human mind so blind and sick so base and ill mannered desires to lie hidden but does not wish that anything should be hidden from it and yet the opposite is what happens the mind itself is not hidden from the truth but the truth is hidden from it yet even so for all its wretchedness it still prefers to rejoice in truth rather than in known falsehoods it will then be happy only when without other distractions it comes to rejoice in that single truth through which all things else are true chapter 24 behold how great a territory I have explored in my memory seeking thee, O Lord and in it all I have still not found thee nor have I found anything about thee I had already retained in my memory from the time I learned of thee for where I found truth there found I my God who is the truth from the time I learned this I have not forgotten and thus since the time I learned of thee thou hast dwelt in my memory and it is there that I find thee whenever I call thee to remembrance and delight in thee these are my holy delights which thou hast bestowed on me mindful of my poverty chapter 25 but where in my memory dost thou abide, O Lord where dost thou dwell there what sort of lodging hast thou made for thyself there what kind of sanctuary hast thou built for thyself thou hast done this to honor my memory to take up thy abode in it for I must consider further what part of it thou dost abide for in calling me to mind I soared beyond those parts of memory which the beasts also possess because I did not find thee there among the images of corporeal things from there I went on to those parts where I had stored and remembered affections of my mind and I did not find thee there and I entered into the end most seed of my mind in my memory since the mind remembers itself also and thou was not there for just as thou art not a bodily image nor the emotion of a living creature such as we feel when we rejoice or are grief-stricken when we desire or fear or remember or forget or anything of that kind so neither art thou the mind itself for thou art the Lord God of the mind of all these things that are mutable but thou abidest immutable over all yet thou hast elected to dwell in my memory from the time I learned of thee but why do I now inquire about the part of my memory thou dost dwell in as if indeed there were separate parts in it assuredly thou dwellest in it since I have remembered thee from the time I learned of thee in my memory when I call thee to mind chapter 26 where then did I find thee so as to be able to learn of thee for thou was not in my memory before I learned of thee where then did I find thee so as to be able to learn of thee save in thyself beyond me place there is none we go backward and forward and there is no place everywhere and at once oh truth thou guideest all who consult thee and simultaneously answerst all even though they consult thee on quite different things thou answerst clearly though all do not hear in clarity all take counsel of thee on whatever point they wish though they do not always hear what they wish he is thy best servant who does not look to hear from thee himself wills but who wills rather to will what he hears from thee chapter 27 belatedly I love thee oh beauty so ancient and so new belatedly I love thee for see thou was within and I was without and I sought thee out there unlovely I rushed heedlessly among the lovely things thou hast made thou was with me but I was not with thee these things kept me far from thee even though they were not at all unless they were in thee thou didst call and cry aloud and didst force open my deafness thou didst gleam and shine and didst chase away my blindness thou didst breathe fragrant odors and I drew in my breath and now I pant for thee I tasted and now I hunger and thirst thou didst touch me and I burned for thy peace chapter 28 when I come to be united to thee with all my being then there will be no more pain and toil for me and my life shall be a real life being holy filled by thee but since he whom now fillest is the one now filled up I am still a burden to myself because I am not yet filled by thee joys of sorrow contend with sorrows of joy and on which side the victory lies I do not know woe is me lord have pity on me my evil sorrows contend with my good joys and on which side the victory lies I do not know lord have pity on me woe is me behold I do not hide my wounds thou art the physician I am the sick man thou art merciful I need mercy is not the life of man on earth an ordeal who is he that wishes for vexations and difficulties thou commandest them to be endured not to be loved no man loves what he endures though he may love to endure yet even if he rejoices to endure he would prefer that there were nothing for him to endure in adversity I desire prosperity in prosperity I fear adversity what middle place is there then between these two where human life is not an ordeal there is woe in the prosperity of this world there is woe in the fear of misfortune there is woe in the distortion of joy there is woe in the adversities of this world a second woe and a third from the desire of prosperity because adversity itself is a hard thing to bear and makes shipwreck of endurance is not the life of man upon the earth an ordeal without surcease chapter 29 my whole hope is in thy exceeding great mercy and that alone give what thou commandest and command what thou wilt thou commandest continents from us and when I knew as it is said that no one could be continent unless God gave it to him even this was a point of wisdom to know whose gift it was continents we are bound up and brought back together in the one whereas before we were scattered abroad among the many for he loves thee too little who loves along with thee anything else that he does not love for thy sake oh love who dust burn forever and art never quenched oh love oh my god in kindle me and demand what thou wilt chapter 30 obviously thou commandest that I should be continent from the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the pride of life thou commandest me to abstain from fornication and as for marriage itself thou hast counseled something better than what thou dost allow and since thou gave us it it was done before I became a minister of thy sacrament but there still exists in my memory of which I have spoken so much the images of such things as my habits had fixed there these things rush into my thoughts with no power when I am awake but in sleep they rush in not only so as to give pleasure but even to obtain consent and what very closely resembles the deed itself indeed the illusion of the image prevails to such an extent in both my soul and my flesh that the illusion persuades me when sleeping to what the reality cannot do when I am awake am I not myself at such a time oh lord my god and is there so much of a difference between myself awake and myself in the moment when I pass from waking to sleeping or return from sleeping to waking where then is the power of reason which resists such suggestions when I am awake for even if the things themselves be forced upon it I remain unmoved does reason cease when the eyes close is it put to sleep with the bodily senses but in that case how does it come to pass that even in slumber we often resist and with our conscious purposes in mind continue most chastely in them and yield no ascent to such a lure months yet there is at least this much difference that when it happens otherwise in dreams when we wake up we return to peace of conscience and it is by this difference between sleeping and waking that we discover that it is not we who did it while we still feel sorry that in some way it was done in us is not thy hand oh almighty god able to heal all the diseases of my soul and by thy more and more abundant grace to quench even the lascivious motions of my sleep thou wilt increase thy gifts in me more and more oh lord that my soul may follow me to thee wrenched free from the sticky glue of lust so that it is no longer in rebellion against itself even in dreams that it neither commits nor consents to these debasing corruptions that come through sensual images and which result in the pollution of the flesh for it is no great thing for the almighty who is able to do more than we can ask or think to bring it about that no such influence not even one so slight that a nod might restrain it should afford gratification to the feelings of a chaste person even when sleeping this could come to pass in my life but even at my present age but what I am still in this way of wickedness I have confessed unto my good lord rejoicing with trembling in what thou hast given me and grieving in myself for that in which I am still imperfect I am trusting that thou will perfect thy mercies in me to the fullness of that peace which both my inner and outward being shall have with thee in my victory chapter 31 there is yet another evil of the day to which I wish I were sufficient by eating and drinking we restore the daily losses of the body until that day when thou destroyest both food and stomach when thou will destroy this emptiness with an amazing fullness and will clothe this corruptible with an eternal incorruption the necessity of habit is sweet to me and against this sweetness must I fight lest I be enthralled by it thus I carry on a daily war by fasting constantly bringing my body into subjection after which my pains are banished by pleasure for hunger and thirst are actual pain they consume and destroy like fever does unless the medicine of food is at hand to relieve us and since this medicine at hand comes from the comfort we receive and thy gifts by means of which land and water and air serve our infirmity even our calamity is called pleasure this much thou has taught me that I should learn to take food as medicine but during that time when I pass from the pinch of emptiness to the contentment of fullness it is in that very moment that the snare of appetite lies as baited for me for the passage itself is pleasant there is no other way of passing the other and necessity compels us to pass and while health is the reason for our eating and drinking yet a perilous delight joins itself to them as a handmade and indeed she tries to take precedence in order that I may do for her sake what I say I want to do for health's sake they do not both have the same limit what is sufficient for health is not enough for pleasure and it is often a matter of doubt whether it is the needful care of the body that still calls for food or whether it is the sensual snare of desire still wanting to be served in this uncertainty my unhappy soul rejoices and uses it to prepare an excuse as a defense it is glad that it is not clear as to what is sufficient for the moderation of health so that under the pretense of health it may conceal its projects for pleasure these temptations I daily endeavor to resist and I summon thy right hand to my help and cast my perplexities onto thee for I have not yet reached a firm conclusion in this matter I hear the voice of my God commanding let not your heart be overcharged with surfiting and drunkenness drunkenness is far from me thou will have mercy that it does not come near me but surfiting sometimes creeps upon thy servant thou will have mercy that it may be put far from me for no man can be continent unless thou give it many things that we pray for thou give us to us and whatever good we receive before we prayed for it we received it from thee so that we might afterward know that we did receive it from thee I was never a drunkard but I have known drunkards made into sober men by thee it was also thy doing that those who never were drunkards have not been and likewise it was from thee that those who have been might not remain so always and it was likewise from thee that both might know from whom all this came I heard another voice of thine tell your lusts and refrain yourself from your pleasures and by thy favor I have also heard this saying in which I have taken much delight neither if we eat are we the better nor if we eat not are we the worse this is to say that neither shall the one make me to abound nor the other to be wretched I heard still another voice for I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content I know how to be abased and I know how to abound I can do all things through Christ who strengtheneth me see here a soldier of thy heavenly army not the sword of dust we are but remember oh Lord that we are dust and the thou didst create man out of the dust and that he was lost and is found of course he the apostle Paul could not do all this by his own power he was of the same dust he whom I loved so much and who spoke of these things through the aflatus of thy inspiration I can he said do all things through him who strengtheneth me strengthen me that I too may be able give what thou commandest and command what thou will this man Paul confesses that he received the gift of grace and that when he glories he glories in the Lord I have heard yet another voice praying that he might receive take from me he said the greediness of the belly and from this it appears oh my holy God that thou duts give it when what thou commandest is to be done is done thou has taught me good father that to the pure all things are pure but it is evil for that man who gives offence in eating and that every creature of thine is good and nothing is to be refused if it is received with thanksgiving and that meat does not commend us to God and that no man should judge us in meat or in drink let not him who eats despise him who eats not and let him that does not eat judge not him who does eat these things I have learned thanks and praise be to thee oh my God and master who knockest at my ears and enlightened my heart deliver me from all temptation it is not the uncleanness of meat that I fear but the uncleanness of an incontinent appetite I know that permission was granted Noah to eat every kind of flesh that was good for food that Elijah was fed with flesh that John blessed with a wonderful abstinence was not polluted by the living creatures that is the locus on which he fed and I also know that Esau was deceived by his hungering after lentils and that David blamed himself for desiring water and that our king was tempted not by flesh but by bread and thus the people in the wilderness truly deserve their reproof not because they desired meat but because in their desire for food they murmured against the Lord set down then in the midst of these temptations I strived daily against my appetite for food and drink for it is not the kind of appetite I am able to deal with by cutting it off once for all and thereafter not touching it as I was able to do with fornication the bridle of the throat therefore must be held in the mean between slackness and tightness and who, O Lord, is he who is not in some degree carried away beyond the bounds of necessity whoever he is he is great let him magnify thy name but I am not such a one for I am a sinful man yet I too magnify thy name for he who hath overcome the world intercedeth with thee for my sins numbering me among the weak members of his body for thy eyes did see what was imperfect in him and in thy book all shall be written down Chapter 32 I am not much troubled by the allurement of odors when they are absent I do not seek them when they are present I do not refuse them and I am always prepared to go without them at any rate I appear thus to myself it is quite possible that I am deceived for there is a lamentable darkness in which my capabilities are concealed so that when my mind inquires into itself concerning its own powers it does not readily venture to believe itself because what already is in it is largely concealed unless experience brings it to light thus no man ought to feel secure in this life the whole of which is called an ordeal ordered so that the man who could be made better from having been worse may not also from having been better become worse our sole hope, our sole confidence our only assured promise is thy mercy Chapter 33 the delights of the ear drew and held me much more powerfully but thou didst unbind and liberate me in those melodies which thy words inspire when sung with a sweet and trained voice I still find repose yet not so as to cling to them but always so as to be able to free myself as I wish but it is because of the words which are their life that they gain entry into me and strive for a place of proper honor in my heart and I can hardly assign them a fitting one sometimes I seem to myself to give them more respect than is fitting when I see that our minds are more devoutly and earnestly inflamed in piety by the holy words when they are sung than when they are not and I recognize that all the diverse affections of our spirits have their appropriate measures in the voice and song to which they are stimulated by what secret correlation but the pleasures of my flesh to which the mind ought never to be surrendered nor by them innervated often beguile me while physical sense does not attend on reason to follow her patiently but having once gained entry to help the reason it strives to run on before her and be her leader thus in these things I sin unknowingly but I come to know it afterward on the other hand when I avoid very earnestly this kind of deception I air out of too great austerity sometimes I go to the point of wishing that all the melodies of the pleasant songs to which David Salter is adapted should banish both from my ears and from those of the church itself in this mood the safer way seemed to me the one I remember was once related to me concerning Athanasius Bishop of Alexandria who required the readers of the Psalm to use so slight an inflection of the voice that it was more like speaking than singing however when I call to mime the tears I shed at the songs of thy church at the outset of my recovered faith and how even now I am moved not by the singing but by what is sung when they are sung with a clear and skillfully modulated voice then I come to acknowledge the utility of this custom thus I vacillate between dangerous pleasure and healthful exercise I am inclined though I pronounce no irrevocable opinion on the subject to approve of the use of singing in the church so that by the delights of the ear the weaker minds may be stimulated to a devotional mood yet when it happens that I am more moved by the singing than by what is sung I confess myself to have sinned wickedly and then I would rather not have heard the singing see now what a condition I am in weep with me and weep for me those of you who can so control your inward feelings that good results always come forth as for you who do not act this way at all such things do not concern you but do thou oh lord give ear, look and see and have mercy upon me and heal me thou in whose sight I am becoming enigma to myself this itself is my weakness end of book 10 chapters 23 through 33 of confessions by St. Augustine read by Susan Stanley desertpilgrim.blogspot.com chapters 34 through 43 of confessions this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Ann Boulet confessions of St. Augustine translated by Albert C. Outler book 10 chapters 34 through 43 chapter 34 there remain the delights of these eyes of my flesh about which I must make my confession in the hearing of the ears of thy temple brotherly and pious ears thus I will finish the list of the temptations of carnal appetite which still assail me groaning and desiring as I am to be clothed upon with my house from heaven the eyes delight in fair and varied forms and bright and pleasing colors let these not take possession of my soul rather let God possess it he who dismay all things very good indeed he is still my good and not these the pleasures of sight affect me all the time I am awake there is no rest from them given me as there is from the voices of melody which I can't occasionally find in silence for daylight that queen of the colors floods all that we look upon everywhere I go during the day it flits about me in manifold forms and soothes me even when I am busy about other things not noticing it and it presents itself so forcibly that if it is suddenly withdrawn it is looked for with longing and if it is long absent the mind is saddened oh light which Tobit saw even with his eyes closed in blindness when he taught his son the way of life and went before him himself in the steps of love and never went astray or that light which Isaac saw when his fleshly eyes were dim so that he could not see because of old age and it was permitted him unknowingly to bless his sons but in the blessing of them to know them or that light which Jacob saw when he too blind in old age yet with an enlightened heart through light on the nation of men yet to come pre-signified in the persons of his own sons and laid his hands mystically crossed upon his grandchildren by Joseph not as their father who saw them from without but as though he were within them and distinguished them a right this is the true light it is one and all are one who see and love it but that corporal light of which I was speaking seasons the life of the world for her blind lovers with attempting and fatal sweetness those who know how to praise thee for it oh God creator of us all take it up in thy hymn and are not taken over by it in their sleep such a man I desire to be I resist the seductions of my eyes lest my feet be entangled as I go forward in thy way and I raise my invisible eyes to thee that thou wouldest be pleased to pluck my feet out of the net thou does continually pluck them out for they are easily ensnared thou ceases not to pluck them out but I constantly remain fast in the snare set all around me however thou who keep us Israel shall never slumber or sleep what numberless things there are products of the various arts and manufacturers in our clothes shoes vessels and all such things besides such things as pictures and statuary and all these far beyond the necessary and moderate use of them or their significance for the life of piety which men have added for the delight of the eye copying the outward forms of the things they make outwardly forsaking him by whom they were made and destroying what they themselves have been made to be and I, oh my God and my joy I also raise a hymn to thee for all these things and offer a sacrifice of praise to my sanctifier because those beautiful forms which pass through the medium of the human soul into the artist's hands come from that beauty which is above our minds which my soul sighs for day and night but the craftsmen and devotees outward beauties discover the norm by which they judge them from that higher beauty but not the measure of their use still even if they do not see it it is there nevertheless to guard them from wandering astray and to keep their strength for thee and not dissipated in delights that pass into boredom and for myself though I can see and understand this I am still entangled in my own course with such beauty but thou wilt rescue me for thy loving kindness is before my eyes for I am captivated in my weakness but thou in thy mercy dost rescue me sometimes without my knowing it because I had only lightly fallen at other times the rescue is painful because I was stuck fast Chapter 35 besides this there is yet another form of temptation still more complex in its peril for in addition to the fleshly appetite which strives for the gratification of all senses and pleasures in which its slaves perish because they separate themselves from thee there is also a certain vein and curious longing in the soul rooted in the same bodily senses which is cloaked under the name of knowledge and learning not having pleasure in the flesh but striving for new experiences through the flesh this longing since its origin and since the sight is the chief of our senses in the acquisition of knowledge is called in the divine language the lust of the eyes foreseeing is a function of the eyes yet we also use this word for the other senses as well when we exercise them in the search for knowledge we do not say listen how it glows smell how it glistens taste how it shines or feel how it flashes since all of these are said to be seen and we do not simply say see how it shines which only the eyes can perceive but we also say see how it sounds see how it smells see how it tastes see how hard it is thus as we said before the whole round of sensory experience is called the lust of the eyes because the function of seeing in which the eyes have the principal role is applied by analogy to the other senses in the search for knowledge from this then one can the more clearly distinguish whether it is pleasure or curiosity that is being pursued by the senses for pleasure pursues objects that are beautiful melodious fragrant savory soft but curiosity seeking new experiences will even seek out the contrary of these not with the purpose of experiencing the discomfort that often accompanies them and knowledge for what pleasure is there in the sight of elacerated corpse which makes you shudder and yet if there is one lying close by we flock to it as if to be made sad and pale people fear less they should see such a thing even in sleep just as they would if, when awake someone compelled them to go and see it or if some rumor of its beauty had attracted them this is also the case with the other senses in the complete analysis of it this malady of curiosity is the reason for all those strange sights exhibited in the theater it is also the reason why we proceed to search out the secret powers of nature those which have nothing to do with our destiny which do not profit us to know about and concerning which men desire to know only for the sake of knowing and it is with this same motive of perverted curiosity for knowledge that we consult the magical arts in religion itself this prompting drives us to make trial of God when signs and wonders are eagerly asked of him not desired for any saving end but only to make trial of him in such a wilderness so vast, crowned with snares and dangers, behold how many of them I have locked off and cast from my heart as thou, O God of my salvation, hasten enabled me to do and yet, when would I dare to say since so many things of this sort still buzz around our daily lives when would I dare to say that no such motive prompts my seeing or creates a vain curiosity in me it is true that now the theaters never attract me nor do I now care to inquire about the courses of the stars and my soul has never sought answers from the departed spirits all sacrilegious oaths I abhor and yet, O Lord my God to whom I owe all humble and single-hearted service with what subtle suggestion the enemy still influences me to require some sign from thee but by our king and by Jerusalem our peer and chaste homeland I beseech thee that where any consenting to such thoughts is now far from me so may it always be farther and farther and when I entreat thee for the salvation of any man the end I aim at is something more than the entreating let it be that as thou dost what thou wilt thou dost also give me the grace willing to lead now really in how many of the most minute and trivial things my curiosity is still daily tempted and who can keep the tally on how often I succumb how often, when people are telling idle tales we begin by tolerating them lest we should give offense to the sensitive and then gradually we come to listen willingly I do not nowadays go to the circus to see a dog chase a rabbit but if by chance I pass such a race it easily distracts me even from some serious thought and draws me after it not that I turn aside from my horse but with the inclination of my mind and unless by showing me my weakness thou dost speedily warn me to rise above such a sight to thee by a deliberate act of thought or else to despise the whole thing and pass it by then I become absorbed in the sight vain creature that I am how is it that when I am sitting at home a lizard catching flies or spider entangling them as they fly into her webs often times arrests me is the feeling of curiosity not the same just because these are such tiny creatures from them I proceed to praise thee the wonderful creator and disposer of all things but it is not this that first attracts my attention it is one thing to get up quickly and another thing not to fall and of both such things my life is full and my only hope is in thy seating great mercy for when this heart of ours is made the depot of such things and is overrun by the throng of these abounding vanities then our prayers are often interrupted and disturbed by them even while we are in thy presence and direct the voice of our hearts to thy ears such a great business as this is is broken off by the inroads of I know not what idle thoughts chapter 36 shall we then also reckon this being curiosity among the things that are to be but lightly esteemed shall anything restore us to hope except thy complete mercy since thou has begun to change us thou knowest to what extent thou has already changed me for first of all thou disheal me of the lust for vindicating myself so that thou mightest then forgive all my remaining iniquities and heal all my diseases and redeem my life from corruption and crown me with loving kindness and tender mercies and satisfy my prayers with good things it was thou who disrestrained my pride with thy fear and bowed my neck with thy yoke and now I bear the yoke and it is light to me because thou dispromise it to be so and hast made it to be so and so in truth it was though I knew it not when I feared to take it up but oh lord thou who alone reignest without pride because thou alone art the true lord who hast no lord has this other kind of temptation left me or can it leave me during this life the desire to be feared and loved of men with no other view than that I may find in it a joy that is no joy it is rather a wretched life and an unseemly ostentation it is a special reason why we do not love thee nor devotedly fear thee therefore thou resistest the proud but give us grace to the humble thou thunders down on the ambitious world and the foundations of the hills tremble and yet certain offices in human society require the office holder to be loved and feared of men and through this the adversary of our true blessedness presses hard upon us scattering everywhere his snares of well done well done so that while we are eagerly picking them up we may be caught unawares and split off our joy from thy truth and fix it on the deceits of men in this way we come to take love and fear not for thy sake but in thy stead by such means as this the adversary makes men like myself that he may have them as his own not in the harmony of love but in the fellowship of punishment the one who aspired to exalt his throne in the north that in the darkness and the cold men might have to serve him mimicking thee in perverse and distorted ways but see oh lord we are thy little flock stretch thy wings above us and let us take refuge under them be thou our glory let us be loved for thy sake and let thy word be feared in us those who desire to be commended by men whom thou condemn us will not be defended by men when thou judgest nor will they be delivered when thou does condemn them but when not as a sinner is praised in the wicked desires of his soul nor when the unrighteous man is praised a man is praised for some gift that thou has given him and he is more gratified at the praise for himself than because he possesses the gift for which he is praised such a one is praised while thou dost condemn him in such a case the one who praised is truly better than the one who was praised for the gift of God in man was pleasing to the one while the other was better pleased with the gift of man than with the gift of God by these temptations we are daily tried oh Lord we are tried unceasingly our daily furnace is the human tongue and also in this respect thou commandest us to be continent give what thou commandest and command what thou wilt in this matter thou knowest the groans of my heart and the rivers of my eyes for I am not able to know for certain how far I am clean of this plague and I stand in great fear of my secret faults which thy eyes perceive though mine do not for in respect of the pleasures of my flesh and of idle curiosity I see how far I have been able to hold my mind in check when I am staying from them either by voluntary act of will or because they simply are not at hand for then I can't inquire of myself how much more or less frustrating it is to me not to have them this is also true about riches which are sought for in order they may minister to one of these three lusts or two or the whole complex of them the mind is able to see clearly if when it has them it despises them so they may be cast aside and it may prove itself but if we desire to test our power of doing without praise must we then live wickedly or lead a life so atrocious and abandoned that everyone who knows us will detest us what greater madness than this can either be said or conceived and yet if praise both by custom and right is the companion of a good life and of good works we should as little forgo its companionship as the good life itself but unless a thing is absent I do not know whether I should be contented or troubled at having to do without it what is it then that I am confessing to thee O Lord concerning this sort of temptation what else than that I am delighted with praise but more with the truth itself for if I were to have any choice whether if I were mad or utterly in the wrong I would prefer to be praised by all men or if I were steadily and fully confident in the truth would prefer to be blamed by all I see which I should choose yet I wish I were unwilling that the approval of others should add anything to my joy for any good I have yet I admit that it does increase it and more than that dispraise diminishes it then when I am disturbed over this wretchedness of mine an excuse presents itself to me the value of which thou knowest O God for it renders me uncertain for since it is not only continents that thou hast enjoined on us that is what things to hold back our love from but righteousness as well that is what to bestow our love upon and has wished us to love not only thee but also our neighbor it often turns out that when I am gratified by intelligent praise I seem to myself to be gratified by the competence or insight of my neighbor or on the other hand I am sorry for the defect in him when I hear him dispraise either what he does not understand or what is good for I am sometimes grieved at the praise I get either when those things that displease me and myself are praised in me or when lesser and trifling goods are valued more highly than they should be but again how do I know whether I feel this way because I am unwilling that he who praises me should differ from me concerning myself not because I am moved with any consideration for him but because the good things that please me and myself are more pleasing to me when they also please another for in a way I am not praised when my judgment of myself is not praised since either those things which are displeasing to me are praised or those things which are less pleasing to me are more praised when I am not then quite uncertain of myself in this respect behold oh truth it is in thee that I see that I ought not to be moved by my own praises for my own sake but for the sake of my neighbor's good and whether this is actually my way I truly do not know on this score I know less of myself than thou dost I beseech thee now oh my god to reveal myself to me also that I may confess to my brethren to me in those matters where I find myself weak let me once again examine myself the more diligently if in my own praise I am moved with concern for my neighbor why am I less moved if some other man is unjustly dispraised than when it happens to me why am I more irritated at that reproach which is cast on me than at one which is with equal injustice cast upon another in my presence am I ignorant of this also or is it true that I am deceiving myself and do not keep the truth before thee in my heart and tongue put such madness far from me oh lord lest my mouth be to me the oil of sinners to anoint my head Chapter 38 I am needy and poor still I am better when in secret groanings I displease myself and seek thy mercy until what is lacking in me is renewed and made complete for that peace which the eye of the proud does not know. The reports that come from the mouth and from actions known to men have in them a most perilous temptation to the love of praise. This love builds up a certain complacency in one's own excellency and then goes around collecting solicited compliments. It tempts me even when I inwardly reproof myself for it and this precisely because it is reproved for a man may often glory vainly in the very scorn of vain glory it is not any longer the scorn of vain glory in which he glories for he does not truly despise it when he inwardly glories it. Chapter 39 Within us there is yet another evil arising from the same sort of temptation. By it they become empty who please themselves in themselves although they do not please or displease or aim at pleasing others but in pleasing themselves they displease thee very much not merely taking pleasure in things that are not good as if they were good but taking pleasure in thy good things as if they were their own or even as if they were thine but still as if they had received them through their own merit or even as if they had them through thy grace still without this grace with their friends but as if they envied that grace to others in all these and similar perils and labors thou perceive as the agitation of my heart and I would rather feel my wounds being cured by thee and not inflicted by me on myself. Chapter 40 Where hast thou not accompanied me, O truth teaching me both what to avoid and what to desire when I have submitted to thee what I could understand about matters here below and have sought thy counsel about them with my external senses I have viewed the world as I was able and have noticed the life which my body derives from me and from these senses of mine from that stage I advance inwardly into the recesses of my memory the manifold chambers of my mind marvelously full of unmeasured wealth and I reflected on this and was afraid and could understand none of these things without thee and found thee to be none of them nor did I myself discover these things I who went over them all and labored to distinguish and to value everything according to its dignity accepting some things upon the report of my senses and questioning about others which I thought to be related to my inner self distinguishing and numbering the reporters themselves and in that vast storehouse of my memory investigating some things depositing other things taking out still others neither was I myself when I did this that is that ability of mine by which I did it nor was it thou for thou art that never failing light from which I took counsel about all them whether they were what they were and what was their real value in all this I heard thee teaching and commanding me and this I often do and this is a delight to me and as far as I can get relief from my necessary duties I resort to this kind of pleasure but in all these things which I review when I consult thee I still do not find a secure place for my soul save in thee in whom my scattered members may be gathered together and nothing of me escape from thee and sometimes thou introduces me to a most rare and inward feeling an inexplicable sweetness if this were to come to perfection in me I do not know to what point life might not then arrive but still by these wretched weights of mine I relapse into these common things and am sucked in by my old customs and am held I sorrow much yet I am still closely held to this extent then the burden of habit presses us down I can exist in this fashion but I do not wish to do so in that other way I wish I were but cannot be in both ways I am wretched Chapter 41 And now I have thus considered the infirmities of my sins under the headings of the three major lusts and I have called thy right hand to my aid for with a wounded heart I have seen thy brightness and having been beaten back I cried who can attain to it I am cut off from before thy eyes thou art the truth who presidest over all things but I because of my greed did not wish to lose thee but still along with thee I wish also to possess a lie just as no one wishes to lie in such a way as to be ignorant of what is true by this I lost thee for thou wilt not condescend to be enjoyed along with a lie Chapter 42 Whom could I find to reconcile me to thee should I have approached the angels what kind of prayer what kind of rites many who were striving to return to thee and were not able of themselves have I am told tried this and have fallen into a longing for curious visions and deserved to be deceived being exalted they sought thee in their pride of learning and they thrust themselves forward rather than beating their breasts by a likeness of heart they drew to themselves the princes of the air their conspirators and companions in pride by whom they were deceived by the power of magic thus they sought a mediator by whom they might be cleansed but there was none for the mediator they sought was the devil disguising himself as an angel of light and he allured their proud flesh the more because he had no fleshly body they were mortal and sinful oh lord to whom they arrogantly sought to be reconciled art immortal and sinless but a mediator between god and man ought to have something in him like god and something in him like man less than being like man he should be far from god or if only like god he should be far from man and so should not be a mediator that deceitful mediator then by whom by thy secret judgment human pride deserves to be deceived had one thing in common with man that is his sin in another respect he would seem to have something in common with god for not being clothed with the mortality of the flesh he could boast that he was immortal but since the wages of sin is death what he really has in common with men is that together with them he is condemned to death chapter 43 but the true mediator whom thou in thy secret mercy has revealed to the humble and has sent to them so that through his example they also might learn the same humility that mediator between god and man the man Christ Jesus appeared between mortal sinners and the immortal just one he was mortal as men are mortal he was righteous as god is righteous and because the reward of his righteousness is life and peace he could through his righteousness united with god cancel the death of justified sinners which he was willing to have in common with them hence he was manifested to holy men of old to the end that they might be saved through faith in his passion to come even as we through faith in his passion which is past as man he was mediator but as the word he was not something in between the two because he was equal to god and god with god and with the holy spirit one god father who does not spare thy only son but disdeliver him up for us wicked ones how hast thou loved us for whom he did not count it robbery to be equal with thee became obedient unto death even the death of the cross he alone was free among the dead he alone had power to lay down his life and power to take it up again and for us he became to thee both victor and victim and victor because he was the victim for us he was to thee both priest and sacrifice and priest because he was the sacrifice out of slaves he maketh us thy sons because he was born of thee and did serve us rightly then is my hope fixed strongly on him that thou wilt heal all my diseases through him who sitteth at thy right hand and maketh intercession for us otherwise I should utterly despair for my infirmities are many and great indeed they are very many and very great but thy medicine is still greater otherwise we might think that thy word was removed from union with man and despair of ourselves if it had not been that he was made flesh and dwelt among us terrified by my sins and the load of my misery I had resolved in my heart and considered flight into the wilderness but thou dis forbid me and thou dis strengthen me I died for all they who live should not henceforth live unto themselves but unto him who died for them behold oh lord I cast all my care on thee that I may live and behold wondrous things out of thy law thou knowest my incompetence and my infirmities teach me and heal me thy only son he in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge hath redeemed me with his blood let not the proud speak evil of me because I keep my ransom before my mind and eat and drink and share my food and drink for being poor I desire to be satisfied from him together with those who eat and are satisfied and they shall praise the lord that seek him end of book 10 chapters 34 through 43 chapters 1 through 11 of confessions this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org confessions by St. Augustine translated by Albert C. Outler book 11 chapters 1 through 11 chapter 1 is it possible oh lord that since thou art in eternity thou art ignorant of what I am saying to thee or dost thou see in time an event at the time it occurs if not then why am I recounting such a tale of things to thee certainly not in order to acquaint thee with them through me but instead that through them I may stir up my own love and the love of my readers toward thee so that all may say great is the lord and greatly to be praised I have said this before and will say it again for love of thy love I do it so also we pray and yet truth tells us your father knoweth what things you need before you ask him consequently we lay bare our feelings before thee that through our confessing to thee our plight and thy mercies towards us thou mayest go on to free us all together as thou hast already begun and that we may cease to be wretched in ourselves and blessed in thee since thou hast called us to be poor in spirit meek mourners hungering and a thirst for righteousness merciful and pure in heart thus I have told thee many things as I could find ability and will to do so since it was thy will in the first place that I should confess to thee oh lord my god for thou art good and thy mercy endureth forever chapter 2 but how long would it take for the voice of my pen to tell enough of thy exhortations and of all thy terrors and comforts and leadings by which thou didst bring me to preach thy word and to administer thy sacraments to thy people and even if I could do this sufficiently the drops of time are very precious to me and I have for a long time been burning with the desire to meditate on thy law and to confess in thy presence my knowledge and ignorance of it from the first streaks of thy light in my mind and the remaining darkness until my weakness shall be swallowed up in thy strength and I do not wish to see those hours drained into anything else which I can find free from the necessary care of the body the exercise of the mind which we owe to our fellow men and what we give even if we do not owe it O Lord my God hear my prayer and let thy mercy attend my longing it does not burn for itself alone but longs as well to serve the cause of fraternal love thou seest in thy heart that this is so let me offer the service of my mind and my tongue and give me what I may in turn to thee for I am needy and poor thou art rich to all who call upon thee thou who in thy freedom from care carest for us trim away from my lips inwardly and outwardly all rashness and lying let thy scriptures be my chaste delight let me not be deceived in them nor deceive others from them O Lord hear and pity O Lord my God light of the blind strength of the weak and also the light of those who see and the strength of the strong hearken to my soul and hear it crying from the depths and lest thy ears attend us even in the depths where should we go to whom should we cry thine is the day and the night is thine as well at thy bidding the moments fly by cast me in them then an interval for my meditations on the hidden things of thy law nor close the door of thy law against us who knock thou hast not willed that the deep secrets of all those pages should have been written in vain those forests are not without their stags which keep retired within them ranging and walking and feeding lying down and ruminating perfect me O Lord and reveal their secrets to me behold thy voice is my joy thy voice surpasses in abundance of delight give me what I love for I do love it and this too is thy gift abandon not thy gifts and despise not thy grass which thirsts for thee let me confess to thee everything that I shall have found in thy books and let me hear the voice of thy praise think from thee and consider the wondrous things out of thy law from the very beginning when thou madeest heaven and earth and thence forward to the everlasting reign of thy holy city with thee O Lord have mercy on me and hear my petition for my prayer is not for earthly things neither gold nor silver and precious stones nor gorgeous apparel nor honours and power especially pleasures nor of bodily necessities in this life of our pilgrimage all of these things are added to those who seek thy kingdom and thy righteousness observe O God from whence comes my desire the unrighteous have told me of delights but not such as those in thy law O Lord behold this is the spring of my desire see O Father look and see and approve let it be pleasing by thy mercy's sight that I should find favour with thee that the secret things of thy word may be opened to me when I knock I beg this of thee by our Lord Jesus Christ thy Son the man of thy right hand the Son of man whom thou madeest strong for thy purpose as mediator between thee and us through whom thou didst seek us when we were not seeking thee thy word through whom thou madeest all things and me among them thy only Son through whom thou hast called thy faithful people to adoption and me among them I beseech it of thee through him who sitteth at thy right hand and maketh intercession for us in whom I hid all treasures of wisdom and knowledge it is he I seek in thy books Moses wrote of him he tells us so himself the truth tells us so Chapter 3 let me hear and understand how in the beginning thou madeest heaven and earth Moses wrote of this he wrote and passed on moving from thee to thee and he is now no longer before me if he were I would lay hold on him and ask him and entreat him solemnly that in thy name he would open out to me and I would lend my bodily ears to the sound that came forth out of his mouth if however he spoke in the Hebrew language the sounds would beat on my senses in vain and nothing would touch my mind but if he spoke in Latin I would understand what he said but how should I then know whether what he said was true if I knew even this much would it be that I knew it from him indeed within me deep inside the chambers of my thought truth itself neither Hebrew nor Greek nor Latin nor barbarian without any organs of voice and tongue without the sound of syllables would say he speaks the truth and I should be assured by this then I would confidently say to that man of thine you speak the truth however since I cannot hear the fire of Moses I beseech thee o truth from whose fullness he spoke truth I beseech thee my God forgive my sins and as thou gavest thy servant the gift to speak these things grant me also the gift to understand them chapter 4 look around there are the heaven and the earth they cry aloud that they were made for they change and vary whatever there is that has not been made and yet has been has nothing in it that was not there before this having something not already existent is what it means to be changed and varied heaven and earth thus speak plainly that they did not make themselves we are because we have been made we did not exist before we came to be so that we could have made ourselves and the voice with which they speak is simply their visible presence it was thou o Lord who made us these things thou art beautiful thus they are beautiful thou art good thus they are good thou art thus they are but they are not as beautiful nor as good nor as truly real as thou their creator art compared with thee they are neither good nor do they even exist these things we know thanks be to thee yet our knowledge is ignorance when it is compared with thy knowledge Chapter 5 but how did thou make the heaven and the earth and what was the tool of such a mighty work as thine for it was not like a human worker fashioning body from body according to the fancy of his mind it still somehow or other to impose on it a form which the mind perceived in itself by its inner eye yet how should even he be able to do this if thou hadst not made that mind he imposes the form on something already existing and having some sort of being such as clay or stone or wood or gold or such like and where would these things come from if thou hadst not furnished them for thou madeest his body for the artisan and thou madeest the mind which directs the limbs thou madeest the matter from which he makes anything thou didst create the capacity by which he understands his art and sees within his mind what he may do with the things before him thou gaveest him his bodily sense by which as if he had an interpreter he may communicate from mind to matter what he proposes to do and report back to his mind that the mind may consult with the truth which presideth over it as to whether what is done is well done all these things praise thee the creator of them all but how didst thou make them how oh God didst thou make the heaven and earth for truly neither in heaven nor on earth didst thou make heaven and earth nor in the air nor in the waters since all of these also belong the heaven and the earth nowhere in the whole world didst thou make the whole world because there was no place where it could be made before it was made and thou didst not hold anything in thy hand from wish to fashion the heaven and the earth for where couldst thou have gotten whatst thou hadst not made in order to make something with it is there indeed anything at all except because thou art thus thou didst speak thus thou didst speak and they were made and by thy word didst make them all Chapter 6 but how didst thou speak was it in the same manner in which the voice came from the cloud saying this is my beloved son for that voice sounded forth and died away it began and ended the syllable sounded and passed away the second after the first the third after the second and thence in order till the very last after all the rest and silence after the last from this it is clear and plain that it was the action of the creature itself in time which sounded that voice obeying thy eternal will and what these words were which were formed at that time the outer ear conveyed to the conscious mind whose inner ear lay tentatively open to thy eternal word but it compared those words which sounded in time with thy eternal word sounding in silence and said this is different quite different these words are far below me they are not even real for they fly away and pass but the word of my god remains above me forever if then in words that sound and fade away thou didst say heaven and earth should be made and thus madest heaven and earth then there was already some kind of corporeal creature before heaven and earth by whose motions in time that voice might have had its occurrence in time but there was nothing corporeal before the heaven and the earth or if there was then it is certain that already without a time bound voice thou hadst created whatever it was out of which thou didst make the time bound voice by which thou didst say let the heaven and the earth be made for whatever it was out of which such a voice was made simply did not exist at all until it was made by thee was it decreed by thy word that a body might be made from which such words might come Chapter 7 thou dost call us then to understand the word the god who is god with thee which is spoken eternally and by which all things are spoken eternally for what was first spoken was not finished and then something else spoken until the whole series was spoken but all things at the same time and forever for otherwise we should have time and change and not a true eternity nor a true immortality this I know oh my god and I give thanks I know I confess to thee oh lord and whoever is not ungrateful for certain truths knows and blesses thee along with me we know oh lord this much we know that in the same proportion as anything is not what it was and is what it was not in that very same proportion it passes away or comes to be but there is nothing in thy word that passes away or returns to its place for it is truly immortal and eternal and therefore under the word co-eternal with thee at the same time and always thou sayest all that thou sayest and whatever thou sayest shall be made is made and thou makeest nothing otherwise than by speaking still not all the things that thou dost make by speaking are made at the same time and always chapter 8 why is this I ask of thee oh lord my god I see it after a fashion but I do not know how to express it unless I say that everything that begins to be and then ceases to be begins and ceases when it is known in thy eternal reason that it ought to begin or cease in thy eternal reason where nothing begins or ceases and this is thy word which is also the beginning because it also speaks to us thus in the gospel he spoke through the flesh and this sounded in the outward ears of men so that it might be believed and sought for within and so that it might be found in the eternal truth in which the good and only master teacheth all his disciples there oh lord I hear thy voice the voice of one speaking to me since he who teacheth us speaketh to us but he that does not teach us does not really speak to us even when he speaketh yet who is it that teacheth us unless it be the truth immutable for even when we are instructed by means of the mutable creation we are thereby led to the truth immutable there we learn truly as we stand and hear him and we rejoice greatly because of the bridegroom's voice restoring us to the source when our being comes and therefore unless the beginning remained immutable there would not then be a place to which we might return when we had wandered away but when we return from error it is through our gaining knowledge that we return in order for us to gain knowledge he teacheth us since he is the beginning and speakers to us chapter 9 in this beginning oh god thou hast made heaven and earth through thy word, thy son thy power, thy wisdom thy truth all wondrously speaking and wondrously creating who shall comprehend such things and who shall tell of it what is it that shineth through me and strikeeth my heart without injury so that I both shudder and burn I shudder because I am unlike it I burn because I am like it it is wisdom itself that shineth through me clearing away my fog which so readily overwhelms me so that I faint in it in the darkness and burden of my punishment for my strength is brought down in neediness so that I cannot endure even my blessings until thou oh lord who hast been gracious to all my iniquities also healest all my infirmities for it is thou who shalt redeem my life from corruption and crown me with loving kindness and tender mercy and shalt satisfy my desire with good things so that my youth shall be renewed like the eagles for by this hope we are saved and through patience we await thy promises let him that is able hear thee speaking to his inner mind I will cry out with confidence because of thy own oracle how wonderful are thy works oh lord in wisdom thou hast made them all and this wisdom is the beginning and in that beginning thou hast made heaven and earth now are not those still full of their old carnal nature who ask us what was god doing before he made heaven and earth for if he was idle they say and doing nothing then why did he not continue in that state forever doing nothing as he had always done if any new motion has arisen in god and a new will to form a creature which he had never before formed how can that be a true eternity in which an act of will occurs that was not there before for the will of god is not a created thing but comes before the creation and this is true because nothing could be created unless the will of the creator came before it the will of god therefore pertains to his very essence yet if anything has arisen in the essence of god that was not there before then that essence cannot truly be called eternal but if it was the eternal will of god that the creation should come to be why then is not the creation itself also from eternity chapter 11 those who say these things do not yet understand thee a wisdom of god a light of souls they do not yet understand how the things are made that are made by and in thee they endeavour to comprehend eternal things but their heart still flies about in the past and future motions of created things and is still unstable who shall hold it and fix it so that it may come to rest for a little and then by degrees glimpse the glory of that eternity which abides forever and then comparing eternity with the temporal process in which nothing abides they may see that they are incommensurable they would see that a long time does not become long except from the many separate events that occur in its passage which cannot be simultaneous in the eternal on the other hand nothing passes away but the whole is simultaneously present but no temporal process will be simultaneously simultaneous therefore let it see that all time past is forced to move on by the incoming future that all the future follows from the past and that all past and future is created and issues out of that which is forever present who will hold the heart of man that it may stand still and see how the eternity which always stand still is itself neither future nor past but expresses itself in the times that are future and past can my hand do this or can the hand of my mouth bring about so difficult a thing even by persuasion End of book 11 chapters 1 through 11 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey