 J-P-L-L-O! The Jello Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The Orchestra opens a program with San Francisco. Ladies and gentlemen, there are all sorts of quiz programs on the air nowadays. So tonight, I'm going to hold one. Are you ready? OK. There is one word in the English language which stands for the following. Amazingly quick and easy to prepare. Delightfully inexpensive. Lovely to look at with six glowing colors. Filled with delicious extra-rich fruit flavor. Swell-eating. Now, what's the one little word that means all of those things? Yes, sir, you've guessed it, Jello. America's favorite gelatin desserts. Easy to make while you do is add hot water and chill until firm. Economical. One package costs only a few cents and serves the average family generously. Beautiful for those six gay colors are as cheerful as spring sunshine. And the best tasting dessert you can serve to your family. For Jello brings you wonderful extra-rich fruit flavor that's as delicious as the real ripe fruit itself. So look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jello. San Francisco played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, last Sunday night we brought you a man who thought he was going to win the Motion Picture Academy Award this year, and he didn't. I was robbed. So tonight, we bring you the same man who thinks he's going to win it next year, Jack Benny. Jello again, this is Jack Benny, the optimist talking. And Don, weren't you surprised when you picked up the papers Friday morning and found out I wasn't on that list of winners? Well, frankly, Jack, I wasn't. Oh, well, I was just checking. Phil, weren't you surprised that I wasn't on that list? Yes and no. What do you mean yes and no? Yes, we have no bananas, and no, I wasn't surprised. I ought to have my head examined. I've been doing comedy for 15 years, and I fall for a yes and no. Anyway, you fellas can believe it or not, but I wasn't a bit envious about Spencer Tracy winning the award last Thursday. In fact, when they handed Tracy that gold statue, I was positively thrilled. Wasn't I merry? Yes, sir. Jack sat right down and cheered. Sit down. What was he standing up for? The darn fool thought that we're going to give it to him. Yeah, gosh, I was so embarrassed. But Jack, what in the world made you think you were in line for the award anyway? Well, Don, I had every reason to suspect it, because all through the dinner, people kept looking at me and whispering and then looking at me again. In fact, I was the center of attraction. Well, no wonder your toupee was favoring one ear. Now, Mary, I was not wearing a toupee. You weren't? No, it just so happened that before the banquet, I had my hair cut by a barber with one short leg. Yeah. So don't make up lies. Well, let me tell you something, Jack. You should be tickled at that that you didn't win the Academy Award. Oh, I should. Yes, your head's big enough now. Oh, so besides all my other faults, I've got a big head too. But just to show you how wrong you are, Mr. Harris, I only wear a 6th and 7th hat. Don't I, Mary? Yeah, way up on top. Well, let's not dwell on that subject any longer. The Academy Award is over. To tell you the truth, I was only kidding. I never expected to win it anyway. Not much. That's all you were thinking of. Who, me? Yes, when the fellow next to you passed you the salt, you said, I accept this on behalf of Parama. All right, you little snoop. Now, let's forget it. Say, Don, we've got quite a long play to do tonight. Is everybody here? I think so. Oh, by the way, where's Kenny? I'll go out and look for him. Wait a minute. I'll go along with you. Why? Why, Kenny, I didn't see you. Why didn't you join the conversation? Oh, I don't know, Jack. I just felt kind of blue about you not winning the Academy Award last Thursday. Oh, don't let it bother you, Kenny. It's not that serious. I didn't win it this year. So what? So hurry up. You're not a kid anymore. Now, just don't worry about it. As a matter of fact, I've got the whole thing figured out. The reason I didn't get the award is because I don't make enough picture. You make enough for me. Is that so? Well, it might interest you to know that I'm dickering with Paramount to play the lead in Cecil B. DeMille's Union Pacific. Well, stop dickering. They previewed it last night. Well, it was some railroad story anyway. Now, look, fellas, we've got more important things to take care of tonight. And now that we're all here, I guess we can get started. So tonight, ladies and gentlemen, as I announced last week, the Benny Bargain basement players will present their version of Daryl Evzanik's 20th Century Fox production, that screen classic, that gripping melodrama, that sensational hunk of film, Jesse James. I said Jesse James. You're a little late there, buddy. Sorry, I was in another world. Well, stay in this one, please. Now, in this epic, I will play the part of Jesse that fearless, daring, courageous Desperado was portrayed on the screen by Tyrone Power. And Phil, you're going to play the part of Bar-She, the villain. Why can't I be the hero? I'm prettier than you are. No, Phil, it's already decided. Gee, I've got wavy hair and pearly teeth and the biggest brown eyes. Quiet, this isn't a beauty contest, Miss Encino. I'm going to be Jesse James. And Mary, you're going to be my sweetheart, Zarelda. Your sweetheart? Yes, we fall in love, get married, live together 20 years, and then I get shot. Why did she wait so long? Oh, go press your hair. She doesn't shoot me, Phil. I'm shot by a dirty, low-down trader, a man that hates me. I bet he sells toothpaste on Wednesday night. I know who you're referring to, Kenny, and I don't want that man's name mentioned on this program. It takes all the class out of it. Now, let's see. Who are you talking about, Jack? I'm referring to an ex-juggler who talks through his nose, wraps his wallet and barbed wire, and is as yellow as those corny shoes he wears. That's the gentleman I'm discussing. Incidentally, Don, did you ever notice that pained expression on his face? Yes, Jack, he always seems to be in agony. Why is that? Well, he's worn those same shoes since he was 12 years old, and in the meantime, his feet have grown. Now, getting back to our play. The same shoes, eh? I don't see I can stand it. Well, every two or three years, he has the buttons moved over. Now, getting back to our play. Jack, when Alan takes off his shoes at night, how does he get them back on in the morning? Who said he takes them all? His toes haven't wiggled since the Chicago fire. Now, getting back to our play, Mary, you're my sweetheart, fills the villain. Say, Jack, am I going to be in it? Yes, Kenny, you're going to be the president of the St. Louis Midland Railroad, and you're a shrewd, intelligent executive. Fine casting. Well, that's your part, Kenny, you're going to build a railroad all the way from St. Louis to California. He couldn't build one around a Christmas tree. Quiet. And, Don, you have a very important part in this play, too. Really? Yes, you're going to be a crowd of people that I hold up on the train. You've got to be a Scotchman, a Southerner, an Irishman, a Greek, and a Swede. Do you think you can do it? Oh, sure, I'm quite versatile. OK, let's hear you try it. Now, remember, Don, a Scotchman, a Southerner, an Irishman, a Greek, and a Swede. Now, go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, as long as it's a brow-bricked, moon-lick, nick-to-nick, why don't you all go down to your little old neighborhood grocery store and say, sure, and begata, it's a package of jello I'm a wanton. Very good. Push them off six flavors, strawberry, rosemary, cherries, orange, lemon, and lime, by yump and yemeny. Say, that was all right, Don. Yes, sir. You likey very much? All right, Don, don't overjure it. Now, let's see. Oh, yes, my mother, Mrs. James, will be played by, where is that lady I hired for the part? Here I am, Mr. Benny. Now, Mrs. Felton, do you think you can handle the part of my mother? I think so. I have three lovely air deals. You'll do. Yes. Well, I think we're all set now, so our play folks will go on immediately after Kenny's song. Take it, Kenny. Hey, Buck, ain't I going to be in this? Oh, yes, Andy, of course. I forgot all about you. I was sleeping over in the corner. Well, I'm glad you woke up. You're going to play my brother, one of the James boys. OK, Buck. What are you laughing at? I was just thinking of you at the Academy banquet last Thursday night. Well, what about it? I thought I'd die when you stuck your tongue out at Spencer Tracy. I didn't stick my tongue out at Tracy. My doctor was sitting across the room, and he wanted to know how I was feeling. Buck, you're a liar, but I love you. Andy, go over in the corner and get dressed for our play. Sing, Kenny. Mary, put on your hoop skirt and sunbond, will you? This night was made for free. This night will be as fair as the night of night. This night will be. Because this night will be my souvenir sung by Kenny Baker. And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the main event of the evening, our dramatic highlight, Jesse. How was my song, Jack? Very good, Kenny. James. The year is 1867 in the thriving little town of I'm from Missouri. There is much excitement as the St. Louis Midland Railroad has invaded this peaceful hamlet, determined to buy for a song the property of the simple, hearty pioneers. As the scene opens, we take you to the farm of Mrs. James, located on the outskirts of I'm from. There, we find her two sons, Jesse and Juicy, at work in the barn. Juicy is gathering the eggs while Jesse is milking the cow. Curtain, music. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Steady, Lulu. That's it. Steady now. Don't kick the pail. One, two. Well, well, I guess that's about all. Oh, sorry, old girl. Three quarts as darn good, Lulu. Tonight, I'll take you down to the gym theater to see Ferdinand the Bull. Control yourself, Lulu. Now it's your turn, Petunia. Oh, Jesse? Yes, Juicy? How much milk did you get? I got three quarts from Lulu, two from Cleopatra, and Petunia's gauge says full. How are you making out with the eggs? Fine, Jesse. I got 14 and a half. You got half an egg? Yep, I'm afraid Geraldine ain't trying. Darn it, I told her 1,000 times to concentrate. Watch your tail, Petunia. I'm slap happy now. Be careful. Hello, Zirelda. Hi, Juicy. Juicy, Jesse. Here I am, gal, behind the cow. Oh, hello, Jesse. Say, when did you grow the mustache? Mustache nothing. Petunia, pull in your tail. Say, you're looking mighty sweet, Zirelda, but your bustle's kind of flat, ain't it? Yeah, darn that billy goat of yours. Oh, he's just being playful. He wasn't mad at you. He is now. I braided his horns. Well, it serves him right. Here's a stool, Zirelda. It's kind of hard, but sit down. No, thanks. My feet don't hurt. Well, you know best. Hey, Jesse, you ought to do something about that darn goat. He's getting too familiar. He is, eh? Yep, I've been over to tie my shoelace yesterday. And the next thing I knew, I was tracking. Time to straighten you out, eh? Say, Jesse, I came down here to tell you that those railroad men are up at the house talking to your ma again. They are, eh? Well, they're a waste in time. We ain't going to sell our farm, not for any $0.07 an acre. How much would that amount, too? Well, $0.35 at $0.07. Let's see, $0.07 times five is, uh, well, $0.07 times five. That's, uh, how much is that, you see? Don't ask me. You went nearer to school than I did. Zirelda, how much is $0.35 at $0.07 an acre? Well, let's see, $0.07 times five. I tried that. That ain't no good. I'd like to find out, though. Why don't you count it up on your fingers? Shucks. I only got 10, and I know it's more than that. Well, anyway, they're offering enough. I'm going up the house right now and throw them off our land. Come on, Zirelda. Better be careful, Jesse. They mean business, and they're armed to the teeth. Well, I am armed, too. How you fix for teeth? I eat corn on a cob, if that means anything. Come on, gal, let's go. Will you need me, Jesse? No, juicy. I can handle those varmints myself. Let's go, Zirelda. I'll take care of them highbinders, or my name ain't Jesse James. Now listen, Mrs. James. I'm tired of all this hamin' and hawing. I'm going to give you just one minute to sign this paper. Yeah, one minute. Now, hold on, gentlemen. Hold on, nothing. We're aiming to run a railroad through this land, and there's nothing going to stop us. Yeah, nothing. But gentlemen, this little farm is all we have. Fakes no difference. The railroad's going through. Yeah, through. Boy, I'm all in. Now, here's the paper, Mrs. James. Sign right here. Very well, gentlemen. I suppose I must. Hold on, them all. Drop that quill. I'll listen here, Barshee. I told you yesterday to stay off of this land. Well, supposing I don't. If you don't, I'll take this thick shooter of mine. And when I get through, your nose will look like a flute. So get going. I ain't leaving here till we get the deed to your land. A deed? What's that? Hey, Barshee, who's that little squirt with you? Hey, it easy. That's Mr. McCoy, president of the St. Louis Midland Railroad. President of the railroad, eh? That's me. Boop, boop. Why, you little runt? Lay off of him, James. Listen, Barshee, I had enough of you. You're nothing but a crook and a skunk. Yeah, skunk. Say, who are you with, anyway? I don't know, but my heart belongs to Daddy. Fine president. Now get out of here, Barshee, before I lose my temper, which is easily misplaced. Be careful, son. Be careful. Stay out of this, Ma. Oh, Jesse, you and I are going to get married in two weeks, so please don't fight with him. I must, gal. You don't want to marry a weak, spineless power, do you? That's right. Let's call the whole thing off. But Zarelda, come on, come on. Quit your stalling. Are you going to sign this paper or not? No, I'm not. And reach me a shoot, Nair and Barshee. Who, me? Yes, you. Not me. Come on, Barshee. I'll give you one more chance. Are you getting out of here or not? I'm not a budget. What are you going to do about it? This is what I'm going to do. Take that. Oh, yeah, take that. All right, now you take that. You guys sure can take it. Well, Barshee, if you had enough, you keep out of this, Ma. Well, how about it, Barshee? Are you willing to call it quits? Yeah, I'll call it quits. But you ain't heard the last of me, Jesse James. We're going to build a railroad through this farm and we're starting tomorrow. A pretty speech, Mr. Barshee. But it ain't going to happen here. You find out, goodbye. So long. Lift me up, Ma. I'm full of lead. In the fact one, act two will follow immediately after a short rendition by Professor Harris and his silver cornet band. Play, Barshee. A few popular selections played by Professor Harris and his band. And now for the second act of our play, Jesse James. Take it, Mr. Wilson. Two years later, the James family has stubbornly refused to give up their land and we find that the railroad company has built its tracks not only on the farm, but right through the middle of the James house. So let us tune in on this happy little group. Yes, Ma. Breakfast is ready. I'm coming. Me too. What are we having, Ma? Orange juice, ham, and eggs, wheat, cakes, apple pie, and cinders. Cinders, we've been getting a lot of them ever since those during trains have been running through the house. Last night when I was sound asleep, a cattle train came through and woke me up. Woke you up. Yeah, I was wearing a wool nightgown and the sheep all yell, hey, you mom. Well, don't complain. On Mother's Day, they may throw candy at you. Dog gone that railroad. I was eating a piece of toast the other morning and the conductor reached out and punched me and it. It sure is a nuisance. Now sit down, boys, and eat your breakfast. Just a minute, Ma. I'm going in the bathroom and wash my hands. All right, son. Be careful crossing the track. Ah, well. Dog gone. I was marooned in there three hours yesterday on account of a slow freight. Be right back, Ma. Hey, Ma, is the back door open? Yes. Well, open the front one quick. Here comes the 715. Hey, that train was really flying this morning. Yeah, it must have been doing at least 60 through the living room. Yes, sir, read. Now sit down and eat, boys, before your breakfast gets cold. Here's your orange juice, Jesse. I don't want any more. Give them a juice to juice. I'm going to dig into these ham and eggs. Boy, this sure looks good. Yes, see how long are you going to keep on being so stubborn? Why don't we move to another farm where it's peaceful and quiet? Listen, Ma, what's the use of moping? These railroads won't last to just a fad. That's all. That's what they said about underwear, and now everybody's wearing it. All but me, I'm a holdout. Say, Ma, these wheat cakes are sure humdingers. How do you make them? I take two hums and three dingers and stir them up. Well, they're mighty good. You just wait till tonight, son. I got a treat in store for you. We're going to have some jello. Jello, what's that? Well, it's a new fangled dessert. Something new, eh? Yes, but I think you'll be crazy about it. No kidding. It's economical, easy to make, and comes in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. But you've got to insist on the genuine jello and look for the big red letters on the box. Well, I'm sure looking forward to it. Say, Jesse, look who's coming down the track. Oh, yes. Hello, Zirelda. Hi, boys. Hello, Mrs. James. Hello, Zirelda. Sit down on that switch and have some breakfast. Oh, no, the last time I sat down there, it threw me. Well, Zirelda's been two years now that you promised to marry me, and we still ain't hitched. Jesse, James, I told you a thousand times I ain't going to marry you until you move out of this house. I can't stand all these trains going through. Why not, gal? There ain't no privacy. Them traveling sales can keep winking back at me. Well, I can't help it, Zirelda. I love you, but my mind's made up, and I ain't a mover. All right, then, Jesse, you win. I'll marry you. Now you're talking, Zirelda, and we'll be very happy here. Zirelda, get off the track. Here comes the 810 right on schedule. Good heavens, what's that? Another train, and it's coming the other way. Oh, my goodness, there's only one track. There'll be a wreck. Yeah, here they come. Not Jesse! Jump, Juicy! Look out, ma'am! Look out, Zirelda! Here it comes! Darn it, my wheat cage is ruined. Are you all right, ma'am? Yeah, Juicy and Zirelda. Here I am. Well, this is the last straw. Come on, everybody. We're a mover. This will be continued next Sunday night. What's the next step in the career of Jesse James? Will he be coming out, ma'am? Will he marry Zirelda? Will they have any children? Tune in next Sunday night and find out. Play, then. You know, I think that a plain meal really demands an extra delicious dessert, and a fancy meal deserves one. Well, here's the perfect dessert for either one. It's the new Jell-O Butterscotch pudding, and really it is the most tempting treat you've tried and many a long day. Remember when you were a youngster and used to bake for a Butterscotch candy? Well, Jell-O Butterscotch pudding has the same old-fashioned goodness, the same true Butterscotch flavor that's rich and mellow. And it has a smooth, lovely color like golden taffy that makes your mouth just watered to look at it. Your family will love it, and they'll love Jell-O Vanilla pudding, too, creamy and delicate. And Jell-O Chocolate pudding, rich and smooth and real chocolatey. All three new Jell-O Puttings are made with fine, wholesome ingredients. And all three are quick and easy to prepare, for there's only a few minutes cooking required. You'll find the simple directions on every package, and it's a handy idea to buy three packages at a time. So ask your grocer tomorrow for Jell-O Butterscotch, Vanilla, and Chocolate Putting, the real homemade kind. The last number of the 22nd program in the new Jell-O series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time when we will continue with the adventures of Jesse James. Well, Mary, I got to run along now. Carmichael, my polar bear, has a bad cold. He has. Yes, he's acting so ornery. I think I'll give him a hot lemonade. You better give it to him through a long straw. That's an idea. Good night, folks. The filmmaker appears on the Jell-O program through courtesy of Mervyn Leroy Productions. This is the national broadcast in California.