 Now, Anacin, the tablet's thousands of physicians and dentists, recommend for a fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and vice-adol mints that quickly rid stomach of gastric distress, present Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden. It's time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks transcribed, but first, here is something you should know if you ever suffer from the pain of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia. It's an incredibly fast way to ease the pain. It's Anacin, a way countless numbers of people have found superior. Anacin acts so promptly to relieve pain. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven, active ingredients in convenient tablet form. Thousands of persons have been introduced to Anacin through their own physicians or dentists. But today these tablets are in such widespread use that all drug counters have them, and everyone can have the benefit of their incredibly fast action. So if you want to relieve the pains of headache, neuritis, or neuralgia, by all means try Anacin, on this guarantee. If the first few Anacin tablets do not give you all the relief you want, as fast as you want it, return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. I'll spell the name for you, A-N-A-C-I-N. Easy-to-take Anacin tablets come in handy boxes of 12 and 30 and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. Ask for Anacin at your drugists today. Well, many school teachers embarked upon their summer vacations as soon as school ended last June. But our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, could only afford one week away from the city and waited until September to make her departure. Yes, I wanted my vacation to remain fresh in my memory. I felt that in the long winter months ahead, I could use some glowing memories to warm my bones. Last Friday morning, the date I had set to leave town, my landlady sat down to breakfast with me. So you're finally going on your vacation, Tommy. Yes, Mrs. Davis, I've been looking forward to this for a long time. I know you have, dear. Ever since Mr. Boynton left town two weeks ago, you must miss him dreadfully. Me? Miss Mr. Boynton dreadfully? Why? Why? We all know how you feel about Madison's handsome biology teacher, Connie. And it's just a shame that he's so bashful when it comes to women. Oh, I don't mind his being bashful when it comes to women. It's just this one particular English teacher who I mind his being bashful with when it comes to her, usually. Anyway, let's change the subject. All right, Connie. We'll talk about the subject. Anyway, let's change the subject. All right, Connie. We'll talk about something else. Fine. Mr. Boynton spending his vacation at Crystal Lake. So what? Mr. Boynton spending his vacation at Crystal Lake? As far as I'm concerned, he can go his way and I'll go my way. Where are you going on your vacation, Connie? Crystal Lake. It just happens that my picking out Crystal Lake for a vacation was merely a coincidence. As a matter of fact, I simply took a map of some surrounding resort towns and stuck a pin in it. And the pin landed on Crystal Lake? Who knows? I was afraid to look. But Walter Denton's coming over to help me with my bags this morning and I'd appreciate it if you don't mention Mr. Boynton in front of him. Why not, Connie? Walter knows you're a fond of Mr. Boynton. Well, I'm fond of Walter, too, Mrs. Davis, but that kid can be an awful tease at times, usually when it's most embarrassing. So do me a favor. When he gets here, I'm just going to Crystal Lake to relax, huh? Okay. Now eat your cereal, dear. I'll go see if... Oh, that's Walter now. The door's open, Walter. Come on in the dinette. Power of the faculty! And you, Miss Brooks, Aunt Peter's ain't goodbye aloha. Don't push me. I'm going. Miss Brooks is going to Crystal Lake to relax, Walter. That's the only reason in the world she's going there. Just to relax. That's right, Walter. And guess who'll be there to relax with her? Mrs. Davis, please. Sorry, Connie. Well, I'll go get the coffee started. I'll be back in a few minutes. Take your time. Oh, it'll be nice to get away for a while. I've been typing reports for Mr. Conklin until my nails are worn down. Yeah, you've earned a good rest, Miss Brooks, and Crystal Lake is a great place to get it. It certainly is. It's also a great place to nail down Mr. Boynton. He's still vacationing up there, you know? He is? Well, you might not believe this, Walter, but the fact that Mr. Boynton happens to be at Crystal Lake in the Beaver Lodge in Room 124 is certainly news to me. Now tell the truth, Miss Brooks. Since he's been away, has Mr. Boynton called you much? He hasn't called me anything I couldn't repeat in mixed company. Oh, you mean has he telephoned? Well, to be perfectly honest, Walter, Mr. Boynton did phone me about a week ago, but I didn't enjoy the conversation as much as I should have. Why not? Well, Mr. Boynton told me that the desk clerk at Beaver Lodge, Mr. Turner, was quite a snooper, and he used to listen in on the guest telephone calls. Oh, gosh, that's pretty hard to believe in a nice hotel like that. I didn't believe it myself until Mr. Turner cut in on us to deny the whole thing. Well, Turner or no Turner, you ought to phone Mr. Boynton and tell him you're coming up today. Not me, Walter. I want to surprise him. But you haven't spoken to him in a week. He might have checked out. Checked out? Sure. But even if he hasn't, you don't have to give the surprise away. Just tell him you called to pass the time of day. Don't even mention that you're driving up. Well, I... Oh, that's my pal, Stretch Snodgrass, Miss Brooks. He said he was going to come over and say goodbye to you. Oh, I'm quite flattered. Stretch is Madison's most brilliant athlete. Physically, that is. Well, come in, Stretch. Yeah, I'll go help Mrs. Davis in the kitchen. Stretch is pretty bashful sometimes. He'll probably feel more comfortable if he talks to you alone. All right, Walter. See what's holding up my coffee, will you? Oh, I'm with Brooks. Walter told me he was going away, so I just come by to say, oof wheezer's end. Oof wheezer's end? Wheezer's end. Well, that's the word Walter taught me. He told me it means goodbye. Gosh, if oof wheezer's end doesn't mean goodbye, then my coming over to wish you oof wheezer's end must make me out to be some kind of a dummy. But a very nice kind, Stretch. Actually, the word you have in mind is pronounced alf-vida-zane. Oh. Well, I never was much good at them French words. I know. English is where you shine. That's because you're my teacher, Miss Brooks. Don't spread it around. Well, I'm sure glad you're getting to go on a vacation. Me too, Stretch. I can use the rest. I'm going up to Crystal Lake for the week. It's a great place to relax. Well, it sure is. When it comes to relaxing, Mr. Barton's one of the nicest guys to relax with. Here's your beanie, Stretch. Oof wheezer's end. Before I go, Miss Brooks, I'd like to make a suggestion. If you're going to go up to the lodge, you ought to call Mr. Boynton first. But, Stretch, I don't want him to... I won't spoil a surprise. Just don't mention you're driving up. Just say you called to pass the time of day. This sounds like a conspiracy. Hiya, Stretch. Finished saying goodbye to Miss Brooks yet? Just about, Walter. Ah, good. Now, if you'll give us the keys to your car, Miss Brooks, Stretch and I'll see that it's all gassed up and ready to go. Fine. Here they are. But make it fast, boys. I'd like to get started right after breakfast. Well, don't worry, Miss Brooks. I'll be back in a jiffy. Come on, Walter. You're okay, Stretch. Well, hasta la vista, Miss Brooks. Gracias, Walter. Adios, Stretch. Hasta visella, Miss Brooks. Here's the coffee, Connie. Nice and hot. Good. You know something, Mrs. Davis? As soon as I finish my coffee, I'm going to call Mr. Boynton on the phone. Just to make sure he hasn't checked out of Beaver Lodge. But, Connie, you don't want him to... Oh, it won't spoil the surprise. I'll just say I called to pass the time of day. I won't even mention that I'm driving up this morning. What a wonderful idea, Connie. When did you get it? Twice. Hello? Mr. Boynton, Miss Brooks is calling you from the city. Oh, thanks, Mr. Turner. Go ahead, Miss Brooks. Hello, Mr. Boynton. Miss Brooks. My goodness, it's nice to hear from you. I was just wondering how you're enjoying yourself. How's the weather up there? Well, lately the weather's been pretty good. Pretty good. 85 in the shade. Please, Mr. Turner. You can't beat that kind of weather no matter where you go. Mr. Turner. Yes, Miss Brooks? Goodbye. Oh, goodbye. Tell me, Miss Brooks, will you be able to get away for a bit of vacation before school opens? Oh, I'm afraid not, Mr. Boynton. Looks like I'll be stuck in the city. Are you planning to stay on at the lodge for a while? Yes, indeed. Planning to stay another week. Oh, it's heavenly here, Miss Brooks. Oh, are the fish biting? Mr. Turner. I caught a whopper this morning. Didn't I, Mr. Boynton? Well, it was a pretty good-sized fish. Pretty good. It was just the biggest trout you ever saw. Actually, it was a pickerel. You call a fish with those markings a pickerel? I'm surprised it's your ignorance, Boynton. Now, just a minute, Mr. Turner. I happen to be a biology teacher and I know my fish. Well, you don't know my fish. I've been fishing in these parts for 20 years. 15 of them have gone by since I got on the phone. Now, will you please let me continue my conversation? And who might you be, Missy? The name is Brooks, as in trout. Now, will you please let me talk to my party? Of course. Of course. Who was it you were calling again? Mr. Boynton. I'll push you right through. Thanks. Hello, Mr. Boynton. Hello, Miss Brooks. Yeah, it's good to hear your voice again. That goes double with me. Oh, gosh. You know, when I was out canoeing last night with the moonlight dappling the lake with patches of silver, I got to thinking. Thinking about you, Miss Brooks. Yes, I couldn't help thinking that... I'm afraid I have another call on the board. Will you forgive me if I chair myself away for a minute? Tear to your heart's content, Mr. Turner. Mr. Boynton, you were thinking? How long it's been since I've seen you? I can't tell you how much I've missed you. Oh, sure you can. Just tell me quickly before the offstage mystery voice comes back. Come on, Mr. Boynton, tell me. Well, this may sound rather brash coming from me, Miss Brooks, but... Yes, Mr. Boynton. Well, gosh, I suppose I could tell you if I were with you, but over the phone, I don't know if I should. Oh, go ahead. I'll hold my ear. Oh, what's the use? I'll have to tell you some other time, Miss Brooks. I suppose so. But before we hang up, Mr. Boynton, you are definitely staying at Crystal Lake for another week. Well, that's my plan, Miss Brooks. I certainly appreciate your calling me like this. I'll admit I was quite surprised when I heard it was you, but... Well, I've always liked surprises. Well, you'd better. I mean, I like surprises, too, Mr. Boynton. Well, I guess I'd better say goodbye, Miss Brooks. Who freezes at the goodbye, Mr. Boynton? Trying to do Boynton bust my eardrums? Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Turner. There's something I've got to tell you right away. I'd like you to prepare my bill. Your bill? Yes. I have decided to drive down to the city and surprise Miss Brooks. Friends, if you suffer from acid indigestion, I hope you didn't miss reading this wonderful news, a headline that says, New Mints Medically Proven Quickly Rid Stomach of Gastric Distress. That headline is talking about new Bicidal Mints. Doctors recommend Bicidal Mints because the Bicidal Medication acts at once to make painful acid harmless and give you fast five-way relief. One, speeds relief from gas. Two, sweetens your breath. Three, gives complete longer-lasting relief and baking soda. Four, relieves stomach upset from too much eating, drinking, smoking. Five, lets you sleep when acid indigestion strikes at night. So don't suffer acid indigestion, heartburn, or gastric distress from excess acidity. Remember, New Mints Medically Proven Quickly Rid Stomach of Gastric Distress. And remember the name, Bicidal Mints, B-I-S-O-D-O-L. Get Bicidal Mints for fast relief. Well, once Miss Brooks made what she thought was certain that Mr. Boyden was staying on at the Beaver Lodge, she finished packing her bags and sat down for another cup of coffee when the kitchen door opened. Hi, Miss Brooks, it's me. Harriet Keitlin, what are you doing in town? I thought your folks had a cottage up at Crystal Lake. Well, they have, Miss Brooks, and I've been there all summer, but I just came down to surprise Walter Denton. Golly, you know how I feel about Walter. He's my Mr. Boyden. Really? Who's mine? I just ran into Walter and stretched down at the gas station. They told me they're getting your car in shape for your trip up to the lake. Well, what's keeping them? They've been gone almost two hours, and they were just supposed to get it gassed and oiled. Well, I heard Stretch say that it needed some minor repairs. Minor repairs? What happened? The rear end fell out. Oh, well, thank Heaven, it's nothing serious. Oh, gee, I'll be good to have a date with Walter again. Daddy hasn't let me see much of him this summer. Gosh, sometimes Daddy acts like a principal even when he isn't in school. He's so stern, and you know how he is, Miss Brooks. Let's not dwell on it. He's very conscientious, though, why he came into the city just to get some reports out to the Board of Education. Poor Daddy's been working like a dog. Poor Daddy's had a partner. I'm the one who's been typing those reports. I know, Miss Brooks. Daddy said he dropped by for them this morning. You see, he was with me when I ran into Walter and Stretch. Oh, dandy. Well, Connie, I... Oh, hello, Harriet. Hello, Mrs. Davis. What kind of a summer have you had? About two months, dear. What brings you down to the city? I was lonesome for Walter, so I phoned him and asked him to ask his sister Betty to ask her mother to ask my mother if I could spend the weekend with her. From the picture, if you're asking, I'm dancing. She said, okay, so here I am. Well, good for you, dear. Now, Connie, I prepared a little snack for you to take along on the trip. I just put it in this lunchbox for you. Well, all I need now is a car. Those boys don't get back soon. Maybe that's them. Maybe that's they. Here they come now. It is I, Miss Brooks, your faculty comrade, Osgood Conklin. Oh. Do I detect a note of dejection in your greeting to me? Oh, not at all, Mr. Conklin. Come in, won't you? Thank you. I hope I'm wrong, but it seems to me that when you first laid eyes on me, your face fell about a foot. It's just that I have a very heavy lower jaw. Those papers you wanted to write here on the hall table. Yes, sir. All you have to do is scoop them up and scat. Well, not so fast, my dear. I understand you're going on a little trip today. Me? Oh, yes. Yes, I am. Well, I'm going back to Crystal Lake myself this afternoon. All by yourself, eh? Should be a nice trip. Well, I was hoping not to go by myself. You see, Mrs. Conklin has our car up at the lake. I came down here by bus and my getting back poses quite a problem. What's the problem? Doesn't the bus that brought you down turn around? There's only one bus today and it left an hour ago. Now, I don't want to put words into your mouth, but if you'd resort to a bit of subtle weedling, I think you could talk me into making the trip with you. With me? Oops, there goes that jaw again. Of course, if you really don't want me to accompany you, you have but to say the word, and I don't want you to be influenced by the fact that you're merely a teacher and I am your principal. A man in whom the superintendent of schools has vested the power to make your life in the coming term a pleasant, easygoing one or a miserable one. I'm driving up to Crystal Lake today. You're not coming along, hmm? Well, thank you, Miss Brooks. This is a very pleasant surprise. Perhaps you'd better go home and pack, Mr. Conklin, then when the boys bring... Oh, I'm already packed, already packed. I left my bags out in your driveway so we can stow them away as soon as your car arrives. But I don't know just when that'll be. Walter and Stretch are having it fixed and... Ah, that's them. That's they. That's here they come now. Hi, I'm Miss Brooks. We got everything all... Oh, Mr. Conklin. You've got a heavy jaw, too, haven't you? Hi, Mr. Conklin. What are you doing in the city? Giving your wife a vacation? That's a good one. Giving your wife a vacation. Oh, did you hear that, Miss Brooks? Silence! Is the car ready to roll? Yes, sir. We charge the bill, Miss Brooks. Everything's in 1A shipy shape. Oh, Daddy, glad you finally got here at... Walter. Hi, Harriet. Dear... Oh, fudge. That was good. Come on in. Hello, Margaret. We haven't time for the amenities now. I'd like to get started for the lake. Miss Brooks is driving me up. Now isn't that nice? Yes, it isn't, isn't it? Come on, Mr. Conklin. We'll go back through the kitchen. It's closer to the rear of the driveway. Very well. Thanks for getting my car ready, kids. I'll see you in a week. Here's your lunchbox, Conny. I... Oh, dear. She's out back by now. I'll give it to her when they pull out of the driveway. Come on, Stratch, Walter. Let's all stand at the curb and wave goodbye to them. Yeah, Harriet. Okay, come on. Hey, I'm coming. Well, here we are. Hello, folks. Why are you all standing out here? Mr. Boynton, what are you doing here? Well, I came down to surprise you, Miss Brooks. She'll be surprised all right. She's just leaving for Crystal Lake with Mr. Conklin. Yeah, but I don't understand. She said she couldn't get away from... Hey, look. They're pulling out of the driveway now. Goodbye, Daddy. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Harriet. Oh, Conny, you forgot your lunchbox. Here it is, dear. Oh, thanks, Mrs. Davis. Goodbye, Miss Brooks, Mr. Conklin. Goodbye, Stratch. Goodbye, Stratch. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Walter. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Mr. Boynton. Goodbye, Mr. Boynton. I drove down to surprise you, Miss Brooks. But I thought you were... You and Boynton will have ample opportunity to socialize when school opens. Now drive on, Miss Brooks. But, sir... Goodbye, Boynton. Yes. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Mr. Boynton. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, last we're on our way. Crystal Lake. Here we come, Miss Brooks. Rah, rah, rah. We should accomplish plenty over this weekend. I've taken considerable paperwork with me. Nothing like getting it done in the country, though. I can see it now. Me lying in a hammock and you typing in the bright sunshine. Well, if that's the case, I'd better pick up some sunglasses. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. What is this, a merry-go-round? We've left this place twice already. Now, drive on at once, Miss Brooks. Just a moment, please. There's really nothing to keep me in the city, Miss Brooks, so there are no objections. I'll be happy to ride back to the lake with you. Well, I have an objection. Overruled. So are you. The back of this heap is loaded with luggage, and three in the front would make for an extremely uncomfortable journey. Besides, among our luggage, you will note that there is a typewriter, which Miss Brooks and I shall use at the lake for official school business. This, then, is a business trip. Isn't it, Miss Brooks? It's no pleasure. But I still think that... As your principal and superior officer, I order you not to set foot in this car. Well, I can't very well disobey an order. Goodbye, Miss Brooks. Goodbye, Mr. Bondon. Goodbye! No, I forgot to take the break-off. If you don't get us off this street, I don't... Yes, sir, we're getting right now. I, uh, I hope you know the road. I won't brook any further delays. Oh, yes, sir, I know this terrain very well. I've driven up several times. Oh, good, good. And maybe I can take a little nap. Cars always make me sleepy. You won't mind if I drop off? Mind, he says. You go right ahead, Mr. Conklin. You know, Mrs. Conklin usually hums something before I fall asleep, gotten sort of accustomed to it. Do you suppose you could hum a little tune for me, Miss Brooks? I suppose so. I'm quite a good hummer, especially when I'm happy. Fine, fine. Then suppose you start now. Hum something appropriate to the occasion. All right, let's see. I'll be glad when you're bum-dee-bum-bum-bum. I'll be glad when you're bum-dee-bum-bum-bum. Say, that's quite a catchy tune. What's the name of it? The name of it? Oh, it's called, I'll be glad when you're mine, you dollface you. Armist Brooks will return in a moment. If you're a driver, pat yourself on the back. For surviving this most difficult summer of highway carnage, you deserve a pat on the back. But you do even better to hold off the self-congratulations until this present holiday weekend is history. Labor Day's your last big test before the official end of summer. Of course, there are more tough driving weekends ahead as people get in their last outings before cold weather. They'll test you too. On second thought, let's withhold all congratulations until after the first cold snap. We wouldn't want you to get too cocky and celebrate your summer survival with an accident this weekend or on one of the upcoming ones. Satisfied with your performance on the road? Don't stop at that. Work to become a perfectionist on the highway. Be good enough to foresee a possible accident with a driver who is reckless or thoughtless and give him plenty of room on the road. So when his time comes, it doesn't happen with you in the accident too. CBS Radio suggests when driving on our overcrowded highways, especially on these holiday weekends, drive to survive. Well, since Mr. Boynton surprised me by returning to town, I was hardly in the mood to chauffeur Mr. Conklin up to Crystal Lake. But he insisted that I drive, so drive I did. Well, I've had quite a nice snooze. How long have we been driving, Ms. Conklin? About a half hour. If you don't mind, Mr. Conklin, I'd like to stop and powder my nose. Of course. Where are we now? No. Ms. Brooks, this conduct is unforgivable if you think. Ms. Brooks, get out and look at your exhaust pipe. I think it's loose. All right, Walter. Just sit still, Ms. Conklin. This won't take a minute. If you don't get a move on, Ms. Brooks, you'll wish you had never seen Madison High. I'll hurry, sir. Ms. Brooks, I got an idea. If you'll just pretend that you banged your head on the fender while you're looking at the exhaust pipe, you can say that you feel faint and that you can't drive. Then you'll get to stay here with Mr. Boynton. But how can I bang my head on the fender? Stoop a little. I'll help you. Well, I don't know, Walter. Lower. There. That's just right. Hey, Ms. Brooks, hit her head on the fender. Mrs. Davis, Harriet, I think Ms. Brooks is going to faint. Oh, honey. Can I be of any help? Ms. Brooks, speak to me. Speak to me. Later. Come on, let's get her into the house. Give us a hand stretch. Sure, Walter. Just lean on my arm, Ms. Brooks. Now, right off the walk into the house. What's going on here? Why are you going into the house, Ms. Brooks? Oh, she's in bad shape, Mr. Conklin. But how will I get to Crystal Lake? Take my car, Mr. Conklin. You're very welcome to it. But I can't drive this old-fashioned gear shift. Please quit jabbering, Mr. Conklin. We got a sick cookie on our hands. In you go, dear. Now close the door, boys. So far it's working great. This is no time for laughing, Walter. Gosh, look at that welt on your head, Ms. Brooks. I'll go get some iodine and a glass of water. But stretch, let me explain. Put her on the couch, Ms. Davis. I'll be right back. Lie down, Connie. Then a fold marble head. Mr. Conklin comes in. It'll look legitimate. Oh, no, Harriet. I'm afraid I can't be moved. Please tell your father I'm sorry this happened. Oh, I can't tell him anything now, Ms. Brooks. Daddy just drove off for Crystal Lake in your car. But the gear shift, he said he can't drive my car. He can't. So we ordered Mr. Boynton to drive. What? I hear, Ms. Brooks, here's the iodine and a glass of water. Keep the water stretch. I'll drink the iodine straight. R. Ms. Brooks, Starrie E. Barton-Prance-Frod was produced and directed by Larry Burns written by Al Lewis and Joe Quillen with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, Leonard Smith, and Bob Sweeney. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of R. Ms. Brooks.