 Next slide, Gertrude. Living buildings are surprisingly rare in this day and age, but there are some buildings that the uneducated consider alive. These structures are more likely, possessed by some thaumaturgical, demonic, or spiritual force. How does one find a building that is truly alive? Next slide, Gertrude. Most living buildings, particularly houses, are very old, rundown, and usually abandoned. Look for more modern neighborhoods, post-1950s especially, that have buildings in them that seem to date back before 1900. If you see Beaver Cleaver's house next to the Atom's families, there's a good chance the latter is alive. Next, they're going to generate waste. That means it's going to smell squalid. This is a picture of the basement of a specimen of Colonialis Gigantis from Louisiana. As you can see, the dung resembles that of an elephant, but with, Gertrude, next slide, but with inclusions of human bone and what we believe to be a small dog. Oh god damn it, there's a reason we provide the bags, you know. No matter. Happens at least once a year. Next slide, Gertrude. Post-mortem Assurance Specialist. Your job isn't to kill them if they get back up. Your job is to make sure they can't get back up. You're a vital part of the medical culture of the Foundation, and nobody should tell you otherwise. Now, if you'll direct your attention to the screen, after the preliminary exam but before the autopsy, the first course of action is to, naturally, remove the extremities. You start with the head. Firstly, you drive the colon's device, the spike as the lab techs turn it into the brain stem and remove it. Then you remove the head. Unfortunately, the easiest way to do this is with a guillotine, as you'll see now. Now, for the removal of limbs, the hands and feet are removed individually and stored separately from the forearms and upper arms, and the calves and thighs respectively. Yes, we are that thorough. You there in the orange shirt. Question? Yes, there have been cases where we have found that the calaver was, in fact, still alive as he was being dismembered. That's why we removed the head first. Anomalous game tester. This is one of the riskiest jobs in the Foundation. Don't laugh. I've had people have heart attacks from being sucked into a game and trying to figure out how to beat it and possibly neutralize the anomaly. Ever seen someone die while playing a Galaga knockoff that won't let you stop playing until you've put in $20 in chain for continues? I have. Arcade games are easily the most dangerous. Back when they were popular, unscrupulous designers would do anything to get an extra buck. About 200 of the original gauntlet cabinets were co-designed by Prometheus Labs and embedded with a cognitre compulsive message that made people withdraw half their bank accounts to beat it. Hell, even some of the original breakout cabinets have an inherent anomaly in them. There's a bar in England that was destroyed after the ball escaped from the cabinet's screen and bounced around the room, killing 20 people. The ball itself is currently somewhere in the Oort cloud. And that's not even starting on the weird sh** Nintendo got up to in the 1990s. Three words. Living f**king Pokemon. Containment cell maintenance specialist. That is what happens when the power grid isn't properly maintained and why you should always be protected against electrical surges when you work at site 44. One of the most common problems we get in maintenance, especially in bio-sites, is flesh or other biomatter spreading into the air ducts. Thankfully, it's well filtered enough that it doesn't spread to the rest of the site, but it means that air can't come in. That's a problem. What you do is this. Take out your plasma torch and burn the mother. It'll reek to high heaven. Probably release some carcinogens, but in case it isn't clear, I'll say this again. Wear protection, you idiots. That's half the seminar right there. That. Wear protection. Don't snicker, you know what I mean. Computational epidemiologist. Computer viruses spread much faster than a virus among humans. This is especially true of viruses that are anomalous and it is very difficult to distinguish between an anomalous computer virus and a mundane one. Both of them give you a computer the digital equivalent of herpes, but more often than not, an anomalous computer virus is usually just a trugin that can interface with a human covertly. Your fingers on the keyboard are the agent of infection. I've seen entire companies have their databases destroyed by the spread of unchecked organic interface viruses. Some of the more famous computer incidents you know about were caused, or almost caused by OIVs. The Y2K bug wasn't so much a bug in the computer sense, but more of a bug in the Achu sense. Script Kitty in Iowa made it, and it's one of the earliest examples of an OIV. Harmless to humans can make a computer commit subpoekoo. If anyone here is from Kansas or Iowa and your internet sucks, how you know why? Do OIVs mutate to infect humans? They can, but rarely do. When they do, imagine the data structure of a computer trying to impose itself on a human brain. It's not pretty. Imagine your brain replaced with a can of Campbell's Chunky Soup. Now imagine that can being dumped into the Marianas Trench and bursting under the pressure. It's not at all like that. It's worse, because a soup can in your head will kill you. Most victims of mutated OIVs actually survive. But that's why we have computational virologists. That seminar is in this room at four. In case any of you want to stay and see that. Practical Demonologist Contrary to popular belief, some demons do in fact have some remains that they leave behind once they've expired. Most of them amount to piles of ash with some teeth and horns. But in some cases, specifically, if they're eliminated in extreme cold, they leave behind more intact specimens. This one, for instance, is, yes, I know, it's mostly made up of phalluses. Quit laughing. This is what an incubus looks like without any glamour on it. We managed to dissect it and found that its structure was not carbon-based, silicon-based or even sulfur-based. This is an arsenic-based organism. You may have heard about the discovery of an arsenic-based bacteria by Felicia Wolf-Simon's team in 2010. Unfortunately, that was discredited. But this, this gave new light onto the shores of hell. Incubi, of course, take on more attractive forms than this in order to seduce and damn innocent women. This one, when it was alive, took the form of a 55-year-old man wearing a rather tatty wolf costume in the middle of a convention hall. Naturally, nobody would be alone with him, and he was booted out by the staff. In case this point has been made clear, the forces of hell are not the most intelligent. The devil inside is, honestly, the most accurate portrayal of demonic possession we've seen put to film. Oh, neurologist. This is a dream diary. It is the most useful tool in your arsenal. Despite the fact that we study dreams, we take this very seriously. There are entire imaginary countries in the dreamscape, social networks, and entire private internet only accessible in your sleep. But dreams being dreams, it's almost impossible to remember them. Hence the dream diary. We all know about lucid dreaming, and that is an incredibly useful skill, one which keeping a dream diary will help you train. There is a second skill you need to learn, which is both difficult and rewarding. The ability to fall asleep and wake up on command. We'll go over that in the next bit, but for now, I'd like to give a practical demonstration. I will fall asleep and record my dreams in my dream diary. It'll be a minute at most. Is she okay? Medic! In hindsight, she probably shouldn't have done that standing up. Counterparenzic Accountant. Now the foundation runs at any given time, about five to six thousand shell companies that it uses to launder their money. I know that we've been trained to stop this kind of thing, but what would you rather have? A million dollars go missing from the profits of a tech firm in Kansas, or a nuclear warhead going off, because the foundation couldn't hire enough guards for the third quarter. That's what I thought. Every now and then, we get the IRS or another tax agency on our backs, and it's your job to shake them off. One of the easiest ways is to confound the paper trail. You can make an or a borse of shell companies feeding off of each other. For instance, SNC Plastics is a shell company for soy corn produce, which in turn is a shell company for Samson and Cooper Pharmaceuticals. And that is a parent company of Southcoast Publishing, which is a shell for spicy crust pizzeria, which looks back to SNC Plastics. They're all legitimate businesses. We do actually deliver pizza, make pharmaceuticals, and produce plastics. They just all fund us, and we can't have ourselves discovered. Of course, failing this, there's destruction of the documents. Excellent question. Shredding is an incredibly inefficient method anyway. If a document needs to be lost, you burn it, and shred some decoys. There's an incinerator in literally every location you'll work, and if it's down, just ask someone in the morgue. They've got three for burning body parts per site, at least. An art historian. Good evening, ladies and gents, and welcome to... Are you f***ing kidding? Three years? Three years in a row in no audience. My department makes botany and occult studies look well funded. There's not even a projectionist. F*** sake. I'm just talking to myself, aren't I? I could talk in gibberish for the next hour, and still get paid. I wonder how much trouble I'd get if I put a normal lease on. End of file. To learn more about the SCP Foundation, subscribe to SCP Orientation today, and turn the notification bell on so you don't miss any of our videos. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.