 So, this morning, I was thinking of my ex-mother-in-law, who at age 56 went through a divorce, this was about 30 years ago. And a year after her divorce, she met someone, a widower, and they went on to get married a year later, and they end up having a close to, I think, a 28, 29-year marriage before he passed away. And I thought, wow, what a different time that was compared to today. And that same person today, that 57-year-old woman, trying to attract a mate in today's dating marketplace, whole different ballgame. Back then, what seemed to matter most was shared values, most importantly, and a capacity to blend lives with one another. That seemed like the most important thing. But today, we have to recognize that there's another critical factor for a healthy, happy relationship beyond what many of you might be thinking is chemistry. See, today, we hyper-focus on chemistry, and we don't give enough attention to the more important things in a relationship like what I shared a moment ago, shared values, blendable lifestyles, and more importantly, emotional maturity. So, today, if we want to meet someone and have a life mate, like my mother-in-law did, my ex-mother-in-law, I guess, well, it requires a whole different strategy. And one of the first strategies we have to recognize for those of us in midlife, and I always say midlife is after baby-making years before retirement, so for those people that are probably for women in particular, over 40 to under 69, that's the demographic I serve because this is a unique demographic. Just like my mother-in-law, 75% of singles today, who are over 45 years old, are divorced. And because of that, it requires a completely different strategy that we might have had in our 20s and 30s. Now what we have to recognize is that the number one thing we need to have a life partner is to be asked out on a date. I mean, you have to basically be seen by someone to actually go out on a date. Now, in her particular case, I think she actually joined a widower's group, which I thought was interesting. And by the way, he wasn't an overly sophisticated guy. He was an engineer, bald, you know, not, you know, handsome by the expectation of today's standards. He wasn't handsome back then, but he was a good soul. And back then it seemed like that mattered most, whereas I think today we hyper focus on attraction and status and not on the core values that really sustain a healthy, happy relationship. Excuse me for slurping. So with that said, coming back to what I said a moment ago, see one of the most, the challenges today, if you want a man to, if you want to be wanted by a man, you have to be seen by single eligible people. And I've noticed that there are three types of women actively dating. There are those that try way too hard. They're on the dating apps. They're communicating with four or five guys at the same time. They're circulating through one after another after another. And they're rather frustrated and they have these short lived experiences only to find themselves single after months and months and months of doing the same thing over and over again. Then there's another group of women who make little or no effort at all. Oftentimes many of these women have become bitter and jaded because of past experiences, because of traumas that happen from a previous marriage or a previous relationship. Maybe they've suffered an experience with a narcissistic person that damaged their self-esteem and their emotional baseline. It makes them actually detest the dating process. And then there are the women who actually make a bit of effort. They do a little bit of everything. They try a little bit of online dating. They put themselves out there in the real world and they don't operate from a fantasy perspective like many people do. And that fantasy perspective is the recognition that chemistry alone does not equal relationship success. More importantly, when I say fantasy, it's the attachment to the idea of someone and not necessarily who they are and more importantly how they make you feel. So how are you going to get a man to want you? First and foremost, we have to be real ladies and men too. You have to put yourself out there to be seen. The reality is, is for most of us in midlife, we are not surrounded in our pool of people on a daily basis who are single and eligible. Think about it. When you're a teenager, most everybody was single and eligible. I mean, there were a few people who got married in their 17, 18, and 19 years old. Certainly by 20s, if you went to college, you were surrounded by mostly single and eligible people. But after people graduate college, things start to change dramatically and for those in midlife, it changes even far more dramatically. So as I said before, to be wanted by a man, you have to be seen by someone. But it doesn't stop there because the real challenge, as I said before, is the recognition of shared values, blendable lifestyles, and most importantly, emotional maturity. So I've been thinking about this a lot and pondering this and I wrote this down and I want to share this with everyone. And I call it emotional baseline and relationship skills. And what I want to encourage everyone to begin thinking about right at this moment and if you're watching this video, maybe you put it on pause if you're watching the replay, take notes, rewind what I'm about to say because this is critically important. See, the reality is, is if you have the capacity to attract someone to ask you out on the date, the most important thing you have to assess is, is this person capable of actually being in a relationship? And more importantly, do they actually want a significant relationship? As I said in a previous live stream, there's the big difference between those men who have a short term mating strategy and those men who have a long term mating strategy and a long term mating strategy means these are men that are seeking a life partner, whereas the men who have a short term mating strategy is a significant percentage of them are deeply wounded. They have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that make them want some occasional companionship, some occasional connection, some occasional sex, but they're unable to fully commit to another human being, to actually partner with another human being. In fact, many men are so damaged after a divorce that they have a reservation to actually ever get married again because they don't want to entangle their finances with another person. OK, I get that. That's a fair assessment. Maybe that is. But the reality is, isn't partnering in relationships saying, I want to take care of you and you want to take care of me? Otherwise, if it doesn't reach that level of I want to take care of you, then it's simply a transactional relationship. And many men today, in particular, are operating from a transactional perspective. And I'm here to say, ladies, be warned right now. Be careful of those men who only seek a transactional relationship. So what's this going to require you to do going forward? Speaking of emotional baseline and relationship skills. First and foremost, before you give your heart to a man, before you get attached to a man, before you give your power to a man, I want to encourage everyone not to do that. You have to learn good vetting skills. In fact, my private coaching is all designed for that. There's a link to schedule a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. There's links below as well. And it starts by unpacking their childhood and their past experiences, their childhood and past experiences. See, I want to encourage everyone to start to become their own matchmaker. See, a matchmaker's job is to vet a person on your behalf to actually go in and ask those difficult questions ahead of time. Now, people will say, well, dating should be fun. It all should just be about fun. Let's just have fun. The problem with fun is you can get attached to someone who, as I said earlier, is incapable of actually leaning into a relationship. So unpacking their childhood and their past. First, you have to do this for yourself. Unpack your own childhood, unpack your own past relationships to assess your capacity to actually be in a relationship. Many of you aren't in that space as well. And be careful, because in this space of unpacking, you might bond with another person through your mutual traumas only to find yourself attached to a person who's incapable of actually going deeper. Now, beyond the unpacking, you have to get an assessment or where are they at today? What do they really want? Be have frank discussions about the type of relationship you're looking for. You know, it fascinates me how many people engage in a cyber relationship with one another, where there's incessant communication with one another, texting with one another. A lot of it just simply a dopamine hit and without any real discussion of what each person wants from a relationship. I'll be candid with you. Women come to me all the time. I mean, prospective clients and they all seem to appear to know what they want. Then they go through my proprietary coaching program. You know what happens every single time they say things like, Jonathan, why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I married the wrong person? One of the most critical things you have to assess is what you want. Beyond the the egoic surface level, it's actually uncovering it from the from the roots of a relationship. And because many of you haven't been asked these deeper questions, you're not contemplating this. That's what I help assess you do because you have to have realistic views on what you bring to the table. This is true for men and women alike. Guys who are financially struggling don't have much to bring to the table. If someone is raising children and that's their priority, they may not they you have to find a partner that fits within that. Being realistic about that and not, you know, a lot of men don't want to take on the financial component of someone else's life. That's a reality we're faced with. You may desire it, but they may not be the case. Thankfully, many of you are in a position where that doesn't affect you dramatically, whether you have children and you're certainly in a capacity to support yourself. And then in this process, you have to assess compatibility because if you really want a man to want you, you have to choose a man who has a long term mating strategy and not a short term mating strategy. And this is why I invite everyone to consider what I call the incubator, the incubator. I didn't make up that word. I'm just inviting everyone to view dating in an incubator. What is an incubator? It's it's basically well, in the context of dating a relationship, the incubator is spending a lot of time together, face to face time in a relatively short period of time. That's right, a lot of time together in a relatively short period of time. Now, many of you will say your your schedules won't allow that. But here's the dilemma you're faced with. I just want you to think about this. You go on a first date on a Friday night. He plans a date with you the following Saturday night. You guys decide to see each other again. You get together for a walk on the following Saturday. And this progresses where you only see each other once a week because your calendars are so full. See, the problem is you're getting little bits of taste of someone but you're not actually truly bonding through one of the most important ingredients for a healthy, happy relationship. And that is integration into each other's lives. And when it's a long drawn out process of dating, what oftentimes happens, there's not enough bonding that happens. So when it's long drawn out, guys begin to lose interest. They're still on the dating apps as an example. They're maybe, you know, have access to more people through their Instagram and whatnot. And then they go look for the next bright, shiny penny within someone else. This is one of the dilemmas we're faced with. This is why I'm encouraging everyone to do the incubator. In fact, in the incubator of two people, you know, it's fast. Think about this for a second. People will have sex with perfect strangers, for the most part. Once you think about it, if you haven't spent a hundred hours of face-to-face time with someone, they're relatively a stranger. You know, very little about them other than what they told you about them. OK. This is where we, you know, the process today is rather convoluted. And so the incubator, the idea is to spend a lot of time in a short period of time, maybe even try to live together for two weeks to see if you're a really good fit for one another. But first, you have to assess you're a good fit for one another. And sadly, a significant percentage of men only have a short term mating strategy. And you have to be on the lookout for those men with a long term mating strategy. And this is why you have to do a better job in the beginning of unpacking their past and assessing where they're at today. Is this making sense? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. If you want a man to want you, then I'm going to encourage you to have to become your own matchmaker, because nobody else is going to do it for you. All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below if it resonated with you, if you have something to add. Listen, if you're in my group called Midlife Love Mastery, please tell your friends to go to my website. Have them click, go to my website, Jonathan Asley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. OK, I'm going to sign off this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye.