 Welcome to Dare to Dream. This is Debbie Daschinger and I'm excited about this episode. This is somebody who will be coming up in a little bit who I've had a lot of good laughs with and who is really well respected in her industry. So as much as I would like to be two years old and play with her for 55 minutes, I'm just hilarious. I'm also going to acquiesce to the fact that she's got some amazing content about love, relationships, dating, and style. And God, I love that. I love that. Style is everything. So, hang on to your booties. We'll be back in a little bit with Kim Seltzer. And right here in the beginning, I just want to thank Dr. Dane here in Access Consciousness for sponsoring this show. If you are interested in healing, in energy work, in shifting your life on a dime, and not having to go to weeks and weeks and weeks and years and years of therapy, but instead really moving yourself quickly forward, I highly recommend you check out their worldwide classes and products and services and you can even become a facilitator. It's Dr. Dane, D-A-I-N here, H-E-E-R dot com, as well as Access Consciousness dot com. And I want to share a little bit with you about personal evolution. I think we're all called at some point to make changes. And whether we're going to up-level whatever's going on in the inside or not, it's really up to you, right? At any crossroads that you come to in life, personal evolution can absolutely be a joyful journey. We can choose that it's a joyful journey. And we can understand human evolution in environmental and biological terms. And there's also, of course, the path of human evolution. And that is driven by awakening, awakening of our consciousness. And that's a spiritual evolution. That's a spiritual evolution of each of us as an individual because it's a conscious choice. And that choice is where we choose to engage with our own awareness and our own evolution. We're evolving. We're ever-growing, ever-changing. As a state of consciousness evolves, we grow in wisdom. I think we also grow in a lot of comfort being in our own skin. We also grow in creativity and joy and empathy and love. For a lot of us, when we go through a difficult time and perfect conversation to even bring up the example of if you've been through a heartbreak, if you've lost somebody you've loved or something has ended that maybe you didn't want to end, that was a love relationship. I believe we have choices because some people choose to go through that and be bitter on the other end and blaming. Some people actually soften because the blow is so great and the healing is so divine to go through something like that one day at a time, one breath at a time. When we come out the other side, we are inherently so much wiser. And I believe that we can have the capacity to love even more, to care even more. In fact, to find love even more precious and important to show up for. So as awareness expands, we can step into an authentic self. Definitely free of limits, free of limits of the past and open to the pleasure and the happiness of the present. It's all a choice, isn't it? So I offer you this thought for today, which is I take joy in growing and expanding my awareness. Wayne Dwyer who said, Dyer, pardon me, Wayne Dyer who said, remind yourself you cannot fail at being yourself. You cannot fail at being yourself. Dare to Dream has been nominated for two People's Podcast Choice Awards. In fact, I just had another very impressive outfit reach out and invite the show to enter into another of the Webby Awards. I didn't even know they existed, but they're quite big in the world and I love that they even know that I exist. Thank you. We've been around for over 12 years, syndicated in over 40 outlets. I highly recommend you subscribe to the show. I love hearing from you. I answer most of you as much as I can. And when you subscribe, please be sure to leave a review because people who love this show can find it too based on your awesome review. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So my question to you is this. Do you want to discover within yourself confidence, charisma, connection and love, love for self love for others love for a significant other? Because my guest today is Kimberly Seltzer. She is America's number one dating makeover and confidence expert. She was a therapist, certified style and confidence coach, dating coach and matchmaker. Kim has helped thousands of people find lasting love and attract successful relationships using her unique confidence makeover process using an outside in approach. Kim has changed lives by changing their style, emotional and social intelligence by using her signature, the charisma quotient, working on body language, first impressions, image and messaging and how it impacts attraction. The Los Angeles based expert travels the country helping people as a speaker at national matchmaking conferences, eHarmony, Neutrogena, the guild at Universal and I date. Kim Seltzer is also a regular contributor to the Huffington Post and digitalromance.com with appearances in Cosmopolitan, Oprah Magazine, Red Book Readers Digest, Ask Men, Fox News Magazine, Yahoo Shine and The Washington Examiner. And you can find Kim as a leading love expert on the traveling, live dating show The Great Love Debate and the cable reality dating show The Romance plus her podcast, the Charisma Quotient. Plus, she hosts the Flirt Academy workshops nationwide. If you want to learn more go to her website, seltzerstyle.com. And welcome the fabulous Kim Seltzer to Dare to Dream. It is so great to have you. Oh, it's so good to be here. So good to be here. You know, I love what you were talking about with the whole evolution piece. And I was listening to you play my bio back to me I always chuckle because I mean, I feel blessed that I've had so many amazing experiences. But really, the reason why I got into doing what I do. And I'm so passionate about doing what I do has to do with my own evolution. So I, it was so perfect how you started that way. Oh, great. Okay. Yeah, because I'm curious, I find that fascinating. I know that you went to Indiana University. Yes, I checked you out. I know you majored in psychology, speech communication and theater. Oh my God, right, right. Over here. And you got a master's degree so that you're very, very credential at the University of Chicago, one of my favorite towns in the world. And so you're an LCSW. Also you're performing in Provitt Second City. So you fill in the bridge, the gap. How did you go from that in your evolution to who you be out in the world today also highly credentialed doing dating and makeover and style. It was really an interesting road, I will say that because if you knew me and I don't even think you know the story actually if you knew me. Oh my God, I'd say 1718 years ago you would not even recognize me and I had a very different life. I look different. So yeah, I was a good girl from Chicago and I actually practiced as a therapist for a very long time many different settings and I always joke I had kind of the leave it to beaver I guess lifestyle right I had the husband the picket fence I had the dog the kids I still have the kids no longer the husband but that's kind of the segue into the story right and so what happened is we all pick up and we move to the land here and honestly that's where the record stopped. That's where my life completely went to a screeching halt and I did not know what I was going to do with my life quite honestly like I have anything in that bio I never would have predicted. In fact, if you saw me then I was this really sad, frumpy mom, and I'm about to get a divorce now and I we always joke, you know, while we ended up doing what all the other people here in LA did but then here I was all alone in this new castle not knowing what to do in my new life and you know when you as you were talking about the evolution you there there's usually like a fork in the road ahead of you when you you're going down a path. And I have to say I was taking the very, very dark path and my clothes reflected it. And so what happened to me and what I'm about to share with you really was the crust of what inspired me to do what I do so you know up until that point I really thought about that you had to work from the inside out that you had to do the work and I did I mean I went through counseling I had a great support system. I was a friggin therapist for God's sakes right like I knew everything up here and what I should do, but I still couldn't get out of my own way and I remain this like frumpy sad mom. So just as I was about to go back to bed literally because I just I was so depressed. I just have to interject a picture, because I, if you could see Kim and how she shows up in the public outside world, you are always put together you always were colors and clothes and styles that fit your body that make you shine. You look so polished. You definitely have your own style. So this is a big evolution you're talking about even just clearly the insight if you're talking about all that darkness clearly to who you are today. And for sure on the outside so picture just have to interject I must see one. I have, you know, because I speak all over and I always am trying to find a picture of that but you know it was before we had phones so it's like somewhere in my garage with it you know the old pictures, I do I must find it. But you know, it was an evolution and I always say that we're our own best teachers every single time and sometimes adversity are gifts and disguise but you don't see it at the time you have to go through it and then you look back and you're like, Oh, this is what I was supposed to learn and go through and that that's exactly what happened so. So, here I am the frumpy mom, and I'll never forget this moment. One day, I look in the mirror and I honestly I just I hated what I saw, and it was like all the pieces in the mirror shattered to the ground, and I got to that point where you know what you're just fed up. I can't take this anymore I got to do something. And so what does a girl do when nothing fits her any longer and I was still okay mind you, I was still wearing nursing bras and I wasn't nursing anymore. Just so you can get a picture right of like what I went and I had Birkin stocks like yeah was not sexy I was like how am I going to go out there and attract like a new man for God's sake. So, what does a girl do I go shopping this is where it all started so I go shopping. And what do I do, but do all the same things that I normally do I pull black clothes that were probably three times too big for me. So this personal shopper she's watching me. And she comes up to me, and she said ma'am, you know, I, I was wondering if you could maybe want to try this on, and she holds up this red dress that looked like three sizes too small I said, that's so sweet of you but that's really not my size and that's so not my color she said honey that is your size that is your color. Try it on. I was like, bam, I call it my red dress moment it was like she hit me over the head with the red dress and you know sometimes when you get messages from people that you're able to hear. I heard it and it was like magnified in that moment. And so I'm like yeah okay I'm going to try this and so I, I slip on the dress and I twirl around like Cinderella and I look in the mirror and it was like, all the pieces that were on the ground came together in an instant. I'm a princess like it was this visceral feeling that I got and that I hadn't you know I just didn't see me for so long. It took seeing me in that red dress to recognize something greater something that I was meant to do that I should be doing. So I was like you know what she's right. I got to buy this dress so I bought the dress and that's where everything in my bio you heard started happening. I, I went out into the world and I started noticing people noticing me for the first time but here's the thing and this is what I talk about and teach all the time. I was scared, I was not receptive to being seen, and I feared it. So I hid, but it was a subconscious thing in my clothes and my mind and everything else. And so that red dress allowed me to be comfortable being seen talk about visibility right like this is exactly where it all started. And it wasn't until I owned it and I saw myself is when other people started seeing me and so yeah that's when I started dating up a storm and I have all these other kinds of stories that happened to me along the way but that's really how I got into doing what I do and I realized that there's a symbiotic relationship between the outer and the inner in building confidence and I no longer practice the inside out. Now I believe you actually have to work from the outside and then go in because you have to put yourself into action you have to see yourself sometimes a different way in order to gain that confidence. Well, that's amazing. So you actually had your own dark night of the soul, and you had to climb through to the other side to get the wisdom and also the excitement, knowing what a transformation can take place. When you date, when you do it properly and when you wear the right things but of course you also got highly educated so from there you started getting certified and working with the top people in the business. Exactly and so, you know, and I was obsessed with that show what not to wear do you remember that show like it was a makeover show and I was like, Oh my God those people are happy and I wonder if it sticks and. And so, you know there was no real like program to go to so I trained with one of the top LA image consultants and I paid her all this money just to shadow her and then I actually went and got a. A certified program in the UK called style coaching and it married style and coaching and like wait this makes sense to me, you know I think there's something here. And I just started doing makeovers on family and friends and I realized oh my gosh, I see these people shifting and changing and one shopping spree. More than years of therapy that I did with people and again because it wasn't sitting and talking was actually people doing something to feel and and view themselves in a different way. And so now you know I see this all the time so as I was going down the yellow brick road obviously I pivoted to the other, the other path, and I just started collecting you know tools in my toolbox like Dorothy, you know like in this like new old and realizing wow, you know not only am I helping people look better but then now I can use my therapy skills and work on the inside to get to where people really need to be and want to go. Wow. So I have a branding thing for you, and you can do a really fun rip off on a show. I think this is so amazing what you teach and by the way I love this like I love having an outside set of eyes that can see my anybody's body shape colors and then match things that you wouldn't know because we're also limited we know what we grew up with you know what we see in magazines but our body may not be that I love this I'm somebody who I love fashion so much. And I've joked you know if I wasn't doing this I would have been born in a six foot tall skinny body and I don't know. I wouldn't want to be in the background ever. Where could you be, Debbie. Talk about this. I mean, I know the possibilities are huge. So here's the rip off. We all know there's the queer eye for the straight guy. Yeah, great. If we if you had a talk that was called Kim's eye for the dating guy for the dating guy. Yeah, you bring up schlammels you know guys who underneath it all are fabulous but like they get your touch your eye and like ta da. And I want to talk about that well there's two things I want to say but let me start with that because we're there right now. Guys. Yes. This is not always true. I have been with men who have style like fabulous style knew how to buy me purses and sunglasses and clothing and they always showed up like. And I love this and I love European men because they dress so beautiful. Oh, they know what's going on. Yeah, right and they don't like colors and and the crossover bag and it's like it's all awesome. But a lot of men and especially here in America I find do not know how to put themselves together much like your story here you are this gorgeous creature under a potato sack. So how can men start to make new choices. How can they switch it up and bump it up. So they start showing up. Oh my god bump it up or show it up I love it. Actually, I, I love doing man overs I call man overs because they actually are way more open to feedback they're not as caught up in their bodies as women. And so, you know, when shopping with guys they're all about what's effective and what's efficient and what feels good. And so, you know, like kind of starting with knowing that also teaching them about their body type and I do this with women as well I'm very scientific in the way I approach clothes and I'm not this like cookie cutter stylist is I know just where the latest trends you'll look fabulous it's really about. Alright, what is your body type, what clothes flatter your body type and what clothes to stay away from what colors really flatter your skin tone, and what do the opposite sex respond to I mean and that's an important piece that many many people mess like women we tend to dress for each other. Men don't have any awareness whatsoever sometimes you know who to dress for, but they just want to live in comfort and maybe dress and wash jeans from 20 years ago right so I, I really enjoy, you know, teaching men now with men. They're great because once I get something on them that looks good. They're pretty much like, well, do you like it. Alright, well then I'll get five of them let's go and they're done like, you know, you're like, if you like it that's good they want to kind of please the woman and look good, knowing that it image is so important and dating, you know, and men don't even pay attention to this. We notice right like we notice when a man dressed as well, and we like it and just like how they like when we dress up. Yeah, it's totally sexy in fact I just did a flirt Academy in Seattle, and I actually for the first time did it with both sexes you know more men showed up than women and that was the. Yeah, and that was the universal thing that everyone said in the room. Some people had variation and like what they like and what they think is sexy in the opposite sex, but they all said they. They enjoy when people get dressed up they look put together for the other person. And so with guys just educating them on their body type their style what women like, but also teaching them what's out there these days you know gone are the days are the stiff jeans and pleats and all that and just like, you know people who haven't been shopping a while and and knowing that they can be comfortable in stylish clothes and once they get it. It's so awesome seeing the swagger that comes out of it you know and so that's what I love about close to is that people move differently so you know talking about first impressions it's not just the clothes you wear but it's the attitude you have in them and your body language. And those are the two things that people recognize and first impressions so why wouldn't you change something that would make an impact on the opposite sex. And when you say dress for the opposite sex that there are actually ways to do that do you mean in general or do you mean that there's something very specific. What might do that would make men go who go or vice versa. Oh yeah, absolutely. I you know I've been doing this a long time and I. Yeah, exactly. I, I kind of scary I kind of even think like a man's because I know what they like I know what they respond to. I love like yes. Can I make a guess. Yes, do you want to. I want to. Okay. So this is what I'm thinking. I think. Wait, are you guessing what men like. Yes, I'm guessing what men like. Okay, I'm guessing that men like for us to show off our asset. So let's say like you, I know you have fabulous legs because I see them. This is stuff I noticed. And maybe that's just a star on a me, but you do have fabulous legs right and you wear dresses just a little above your name they're not many skirts, but I can see you have great games right. Obviously, I've got boobies. Yes, you do and fab fab boobies. They're fab, they're on busty right naturally busty so maybe I don't know and I don't wear low cut things like almost ever. I'm not honest. I'm growing up busty, you get looked at a lot right ogled. So I think I learned to cover a bit. So I'm seen for other things, but maybe lower cut is better for me, or maybe if you had strong beautiful arms. You want to show those like a great shoulders. So now weigh in. Am I on the. You're definitely on the right path and you know what the key thing is that you said it's showing off your assets but you got to know what your good assets are and I feel like that's half the battle, especially with women. You know, the first question I asked, I say what are three body parts that you love and I can't tell you how many women have such a difficult time coming up with my lips. What do you do. Oh my God, then that like fab you lips just like just like have something that really showcases the lips you know where red lipstick where the shiny gloss. It's always accentuating what you have and downplaying what you feel a little bit conscious and and that's what I love teaching in terms of the science of clothes, because there's certain cuts in certain body types of clothes that you can wear that will create some of those areas and guess what that'll make you feel more confident in your clothes. So here's the thing at the end of the day. Men love women who love themselves, let me say that again, men love women who love themselves so whatever your assets are, if you don't own that, then men aren't going to recognize that so you could have the most fabulous legs you could have the most fabulous boobs like but if you don't know that or recognize that, then they may not see that and so that's what I love helping women do and then in terms of the men to like sometimes men don't even recognize what they have. I've heard it said it's really important that your man, your date your boyfriend, whatever, not be your confidant when it comes to your insecurities because men love confidence. And that when we start saying, oh, I wish I wasn't so fat or look at this or this doesn't work or those things that say that for your bestie, right, because she he will be there and nurture you back to health, but a man actually wants you to know no matter what's going on in your body, they're going to see you as hot and yummy and let them perceive that. Do you think that's Exactly, exactly. And to be honest, that's very unattractive to both sexes like we don't like when guys like, you know, kind of complain about themselves and say, Oh, I don't really like my hair. It's just not attractive period, you know, when people kind of criticize themselves, you know, I was coaching a guy I'll never forget this and I was trying to find out from him who he thought was sexy. Okay, and I use the word sexy not attractive. So this really gorgeous blonde woman walks down the street and she's like, I don't know 510 skinny. I mean she looked like a model for sure. She looked really insecure, like the way her body language is kind of stiff. She was looking around. She was like, you know, nervously twirling her hair. And I said, you know, do you think that woman is sexy. He's like, Well, I mean, she's pretty but no, I don't think she's sexy. I wouldn't ask her out. I wouldn't approach her. It's like, interesting. But 10 seconds later, this woman walks by now she's shorter a little heavier set but boy was she working it like she knew what she had and she and she was just flaunting and she was walking like she was so happy. And then she pauses takes a look at them. Smiles, and then just keeps going right and I said, So do you think that woman is sexy he goes oh yeah. Now that is a sexy woman I said interesting so what is the difference he's like well that second woman. She was just so comfortable in her body it's like I didn't care what size or shape she was. I just love that she loved her and that's super hot. That's super hot. Okay, I love this. So we just learned what men are looking for in us in women. We need to own our assets and if you work with Kim and you tell her what you love the top three about yourself. And then she'll work with you scientifically to pick out the clothes that show off the best parts of you and fit you well. So what are we women. Let's and I want to be very gender neutral in a way to you know because there could be other people looking for women women men men, whatever whatever. But it just it just along these lines for women who are looking for men what are we looking for what is. What do we want them to have that's going to make them be very shining to us. I mean, everything is true that we like about them they like about us you know if you think about it we like a confident man not an arrogant man, or self centered which is actually really insecure men. We're we like a man who knows what he's got to and dress as well. And you know what for God's sakes trim the nose hairs like we don't ask for much. You know women we have a lot of other things going on right we have the makeup and the hair and the jewels and all that kind of thing. I tell guys all the time and I get on them and like, you know, the grooming is a huge piece we do pay attention to that like, you could be dressed well and be the fabulous guy but if you have bad breath or you have bad like fingernails or nose hairs like it can literally be a buzzkill, you know in the whole interaction. So, again it goes about self care, you know, and if you put yourself together you smell good, you dress the part and you have things that stitch you, we like that. Now here's the thing and I, this is kind of funny and just something that I've noticed about both sexes is that we're both visual creatures okay so like men, women get all mad at men oh you know they're just about looks and sex and like, first of all, we are to you cannot say that we are visual creatures as well. There is a difference. What I find is in that first like 30 seconds actually now to make a first impression you know it's seven seconds. It's crazy it's getting quicker and quicker. Wow. I think it's Bumble and Tinders, you know, kind of, you know adding to that but you really don't have a lot of time but within those first impressions. Guys will look at a woman and they'll be attracted to her because they'll look at whether or not they want to have sex with her like it's you know that it's that sexual charge and attraction. Now women I think, I mean we want to be sexually attracted to a guy but I think that we're a little more forgiving like it's a guy's balding or he has a little tummy will be forgiving if he's he's dressed well and he looks successful. So men look at sex women look at success and if it goes back to the cavemen it makes sense like we want you know and if it's very primal. And so that's why I tell guys all the time like if you just you know spruce yourself up a little bit will give you a chance, you know. So, and again that's we at the end of the day we all want more the juicier things and the internal and the love and the care and good people but I'm just saying in that first like hit. That's what sometimes you know people get attracted to sex or success I yeah. Absolutely I do think it's like a genetic coding this provider thing and I know it's not feminist, but I feel the call the wild to along those lines without a doubt. And I you know I want to say something and I know because of the circles Kim that you and I are in. And I know many people who work in the relationship field. I have a bugaboo there and so I know I could be putting my head in the chopping block but I'm going to say it out loud what I really appreciate about you. Is you teach this stuff you do this stuff out in the world but you're also living this like clearly I can visually see you live this and you're also someone who's in a relationship. I don't know about you, but if I go to a hairdresser I really hope their hair looks amazing, right. They got their scissors and their hope yeah yeah filing tools if I go to a relationship dating image person I want them to look great. Whatever their composition is for them and I want to know that they can successfully do a relationship they can date and have a relationship. So thank you for teaching this and being in a relationship that's actually huge in that industry because so many people are not. Thank you but I also have to say again going back to the whole evolution thing. It has been an evolution and I think I've learned so much on this journey and I don't think to be honest, I don't think I could do what I do if I just had been married this whole time. You know I think I had to have a fundamental understanding of what it's like to be single what it's like to fall down what it's like to get back up. And you know because when I practice as a therapist I was very young and I'm sure I help people but now I look back I'm like oh my God I didn't know anything. You know because life experiences I think just enhance my ability to really understand people because I've been through it I totally get where people are at so but thank you for recognizing that. Yeah and thank you for that different point of view for adding that layer to it because agreed yeah you know seasoning is great spicing and I think sometimes part of the journey is having your heart broken is being alone is finding your way so I do understand I really do understand and and before we take a break I want to say quickly for women in dressing them because you're a head to toe kind of gal. I think shoes are huge because I think shoes well anything can make or break my accessories how I look up in my face and hair, but shoes. Okay, and I really am a bit of a clothes fanatic and a shoe fanatic and accessory fanatic. I do love fashion. It's for real. It's for shizzle. I want to show you and anyone who wants to see these now. Oh my God I can't wait. Okay, we're listening on podcast. Go to YouTube.com slash Debbie dashing or d e b b i d as in David a ch in gr. You got to see these shoes. So they feel like we need a drum roll. These are Vince Kamuto's just picked him up yesterday. Oh, but I mean hot. It's like no joke and this is everything. I love what this looks like here. I love the pointy. I love the sling back. I love, but I have to be honest Kim because I never wear heels. Oh, you don't know and I want you to teach me about this because I know there's a gazillion women I hear this all the time. I live in platforms. I like height. I like to get out. Yeah, but I live in platforms because I can't bear the feeling. And this is what a three and a half four inch spike heel. Now these look like OMG I could walk in a room. And and I'll feel hot for sure. But the question is, I don't know if I'm returning and I haven't worn them. Because I don't know if I could pull them off and be on my feet with them for any period of time. So let's say we want fabulous shoes. I think we should always have a pair of flesh color shoes. This is long and hot and then maybe something like that those are red like bam or you know whatever color way in on high heels talk about this and is there something for someone like me who wants to wear old lady shoes. Oh my God there's something for everybody. I mean actually this is the good part of living in this day and age because back in like the 80s all you really had were you know those stilettos and pumps remember like we didn't have a lot of variations. So what I love about today is there's so many options there's so many different brands and brands that fit different kinds of feet. So as we age we also have problems with our feet there's a lot of women who have you know just bunions and I've had surgery and have bad backs. So I'm a big stickler about just like first and foremost understanding people's health because I would never want to put you know somebody in heels if they to compromise their health. The options are great out there so if you're not used to wearing heels I always say start with the chunky heels and you don't have to go really tall like what if you saw the shoes that Debbie had I mean I can't believe you just went full out you're like oh I never wear them but I'm going to wear this. So gorgeous yeah. No they're stunning but you could also get something that's like a chunkier heel that has more of a platform toe. And when you have those two combined it actually is very supportive in fact you could even go higher when you have a platform because it really is like supportive. And the other thing is I don't chince out when it comes to shoes like it's that one area that in jeans I'll spend more money on because it is worth it. You know recommend a brand or two that are we allowed to recommend brands on the show. Hell yeah. And they better they better sponsor the show for that. Well Stuart Weitzman if you are if you are out there listening I love your shoes but you know you he tends to fit more narrow feet a little more dainty feet. So I think that but it's a great shoe well made. Interestingly Cole Han makes a shoe that has Nike insoles in it, which is so cool so again like you can find comfort there. Vince Camuto is great I think for just like a mid range like the ones that you got I I've been really impressed with his styles and how comfortable they've been. Oh my God I mean the list goes on and on it just depends on I mean Jimmy shoe of course are gorgeous and everything I wouldn't like that's not like an everyday shoe though so you know you should have different kinds of shoes for different occasions. Another alternative to chunky heels I just want to mention is that especially when it comes spring and summer wedges are great alternatives. So that can give you a little height you can walk a lot more and a lot longer in them and it'll still make your legs look fabulous it's still feminine and guys will still like them. So yes that is something that guys really like they love seeing women and heels and it's more about what it does to your legs you know so that like line in your calves get really defined when you're wearing that. Yeah, but you know at the end of the day there's a difference between functionality and fashion to so you got to think about okay if you're going on a date most likely you're going to meet somebody you're not going to walk very far so. Yeah we're a little bit of higher heel because you're mainly it's your costume you got to think of sometimes you're you're dating wear as costumes. And what can you put on that makes you look fabulous feel fabulous and really feminine when it comes to you know the women's costume. You know even shorter men I highly recommend will not a red stiletto but I recommend a little lift, you know and and and men can do that with a boot, you know like a nice boot and have a little chunky heel, they look fabulous in it. And also if you have a point to your toe or an oval toe that actually elongates your look so if you tend to be shorter that also is a little trick that will make you look taller. Oh, I like this very very much. This is so cool. So we're going to take a quick break and we come back we're going to find out two really important things from Kim. The first is flirting. Do you know how to have any idea good because she's going to teach us literally how to be the flirt. And second of all how to up our confidence quota so we can really rock it out in the world. I'm asking you if you know how to be interviewed on radio and podcast and if you've got a business. This must be an arm a branch in your business. It's so important today because media is everywhere we are our own broadcasters 24 seven. So if you don't know how if you're interested in learning what your message is and how to be interviewed where the shows are at getting a list of all the contacts and the podcast shows you can get booked having your own press media kit having your speaking points and knowing how to be fabulous and exquisite once you're booked on a show. Join the ultimate visibility formula you don't need publicity knowledge you don't need to know anything. I teach these classes live and there's a new one rolling out very soon you want to get in now. Well the sale price is going on plus the fabulous bonus of getting a free one hour private session with me when you register. Go to Debbie D dot net d e b b i d dot net slash visibility. This class has been a game changer for people have gone on to be interviewed on all sorts of media that has really changed their lives brought in business connected them with their community and tribe sold books workshops and really changed their being out into the world because they're suddenly noticed as the go to expert and of course you want that to. So if you're in business if you're an entrepreneur. You want people to know who you are. Go to Debbie D dot net slash visibility and let me show you how. And if you're just tuning in after we started this is Debbie dashing or dare to dream. I'm interviewing the amazing Kim seltzer. She's an image consultant consultant therapist. She is a dating coach a matchmaker and a speaker. You can learn more at seltzer style dot com. Oh my God. So Kim matchmaker matchmaker make me a match. Oh my God. How do you do that. How do you. Well like. What. You know I actually don't do it anymore but it relates to what we're going to talk about I was funny because as I was going down my yellow brick road that was one of the opportunities that came to me when I was speaking at a matchmaking conference and someone said hey do you want to run. The VIP division of this matchmaking company and back in the day this is when like. Matchmaking was huge right like all the shows you saw were on air about it and all that so I was like oh that sounds cool. But here's the thing that I realized is that it wasn't at all what I thought it was. You know I thought as a therapist and as somebody coming coming from like really wanting to help people. I realized that's not what it was. It was more about just like lining people up and sending them off into the world. And so what I started doing actually was coaching on the side and I started realizing that the people who became successful after were the ones who were coaching with me the ones who were doing image consulting with me so I'm like hmm. There's something here because you know I could throw people a bunch of hot guys or hot girls in front of them to the cows come home. But you know what those same people exist out in the real world and the same problems were happening so like I felt like there wasn't any teaching happening so now what I really take pride in is helping people be their own matchmaker. I developed dating plans for people just like business plans you know where can you put yourself where can you go. And it's really like kind of going at it in three different directions it's changing people's mindset. Different approach and different perspective. I'll give you an instance for instance it was funny I was coaching somebody and when she first started I do phone coaching as well as in person and she was a little hesitant gives me her credit cards like okay but I just don't think there's any guys out there for me and I've been around this town forever. I take the same you know route to work every single day I just don't see them as she lived up in Canada I said do me a favor. I said when you hang up this phone for the next week I'm going to give you this homework and this is all I want you to do until our first call. I want you to take the same route to work. But this time I want you to put a different pair of glasses on meaning meaning like figuratively metaphorically like almost like the dating met like matrix. I want you to see the world a little bit different and I just want you to notice who's noticing you talk about visibility right. So she does it and she comes back a week later she said Kim, do you have a voodoo doll. I said I don't have a voodoo doll what happened. She said, I think I met my guy I said what happened she's like why did what you said I went to the, I went the same route I started looking around. I see this really, really cute guy on the bench, and I noticed that he's looking over my way, and so that I look back at him. And before you know it, I'm talking to him, and before you know it, he asked me out. That guy ended up being her boyfriend six months later. And it was, you know, was early right out of the gate but it was so much of it was had to do with the way she was approaching things the way she was just kind of like hiding the negativity and also breaking some patterns for self so when I when I work with people it's not just the outside stuff you know teaching the flirting and the image and all that, but then it's really doing a pattern disruption and understanding where people come from, so that they create different results the way they express themselves the way they're approaching life. I don't have that. I'm using this is this may seem like such an off tangent, but I'm using something a little bit similar I have an opportunity coming up in the next couple of months to get a to get a car to sell my car my mom's car and around into like a great opportunity. And I literally am stumped. I'm like, I don't know what I want I know I wanted to be kind of a luxury car I know I want, you know, for a screen would be nice. I don't want it to be in the shop all the time so I wanted to be a great car but that's it and that like in a world of Los Angeles that's not enough information. So I literally have been changing my proverbial glasses. And every time I walk my dog. I purposely look at every car on the street, just to start ingesting all the options of what's out there what appeals to me, what I resonate with. I want to hone it down because I know once I do that I can manifest. So it's very interesting you talk about that opening oneself because it's there what you're saying to this client is it's actually there. You're driving and those guys are there. Yeah, open your eyes to see it. I'm sorry to interrupt but I just got chills honestly because I literally the other day use the metaphor of the car of what you just said is so weird, because and coming at it at the same angle as you did but it's like, it's not until you're in the market to buy a new car until you start seeing cars on the road, even though they're passing you by every single day. So let's say you you want to BMW. All of the sudden you're seeing BMWs everywhere, right, but they were always passing you by. It was just it's not until you really hone in on it and focuses so that was just funny to use that metaphor. It's so true and I'm seeing styles I never noticed before and brands that oh it's it's fascinating to me. So I love this. Okay, so we said this was a great setup for people and we promised. I want to know This is another drum roll moment. What is the magic formula. I'm already excited. I've gooseies. What's the magic formula for flirting. I want to know because I want to try it. Oh, I love it. Okay. Well, you know flirting is such an interesting word right. Everybody when they hear the word flirting has different associations is what I find so fascinating we have some people a lot of negativity around it. Some people are excited by it. Some people are embarrassed by it. So it's really interesting. So when I, you know, I've been doing these flirt academies now in different towns and I'm always asking them, you know, when you hear the word flirting, what do you think about so I always before going into the magic formula, like to understand where people come from again that's the therapist and me like what are your associations and what stops you from doing that, you know why don't you mine. Can I be one of your students right now in your academy and tell you mine what I think I would love that. So what are what are yours. So I think about the people I saw let's say in high school college are out here now. I've always seen at least noticed people who are unbelievable of flirting, like naturally, not many. There's always been that person in high school man or woman that person in college man or woman that person in my group man or woman, you could put them in any setting, and they, I don't know how they have that savvy and confidence. They get men or women like, and I'll tell you how I feel shut out, because I don't get it. I don't get it at all. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to turn that on. And the only time I've ever seen like, you know me, I have a big personality, and I've learned to just be me. And sometimes I can see that rattles cages like I can feel energy and I can see just being me can like, make somebody go. But I don't really know a skill that gets me in and out the flirt door. But I would love to know because people who grow up with that kind of awareness and confidence and man, it's a gorgeous thing. But I have always felt like I'm not in that club. I don't even know how to be in the club. Well, and that's just it what you said is really, really important. What's interesting about flirting and charisma and that's why I call my whole formula of the charisma quotient that I teach just with everything is that if you do the research. Did you know that it's, it's not something people are born with it's something that is learned so somewhere along the line. Those people that you're talking about learn that skill and what's exciting about that means that I can teach it. It's something that you can learn at any point. I mean I've worked with, I've taught, you know, 85 year old women to flirt I've taught 18, you know, your year olds how to flirt so it really Right. Well, and so there is hope and so I just want to say that but if you look at the definition of flirting so let's just start here. It's not at all what everybody is saying usually the true definition is to behave as though you are attracted to somebody without the serious intention of an outcome. The last part without the serious intention of an outcome is what trips everybody up every single time. So people are thinking too much about it people are thinking, oh I don't want to give the guy the wrong impression, or I'm not good at it, or he'll think I'm stupid or I don't want to be I want him to like me for me my intelligence and not my, you know, sexual I mean I have heard it all. But at the end of the day that's not at all what it's supposed to be it's about really creating a magnetism that just draws people to you it's about being playful. So I actually disagree with you Debbie, I think you are a flirt, but you just haven't seen your personality as flirty. Like you had a different association because you, your personality is magnetic it is playful it is fun and that is flirty, but but maybe you never used it. To that extent you know like you didn't define it that way so that's the really important thing before going into all the different aspects of flirting is to understand your associations with and understand what the true definition is. So knowing that it's all about just like having people around you and building connections wherever you are and here's the thing that's really important. It's not thinking too much. It's not getting ahead of it or oh my God with that what is that person going to think it's about being in the moment and really connecting with that person. And that's what I really enjoy teaching both with the aspects of dating and flirting so that that's first and foremost, but the different aspects that I teach and obviously like you'll have to come to my academy or do, you know, a session with me to understand the nuances of it. But it's first looking at your style, right because you have to dress the part. If you walk in with a potato sack that that's going to be as you and I almost did the other night. That's a different message right. So first is owning, owning it right owning your femininity owning your masculinity having that confidence and wearing wearing it well. Then the second is looking at your body language, your body language is huge like, again, you could say all the right things you could be dressing the part but if you look odd in your body language, it's going to be like a mixed message people are going to be confused. They may not see you as sexy, they may think you're just, you know, they'll friend zone you if you're like really stiff and to, you know, like giving people high fives when you're trying to, you know, be flirty so I teach a lot about body language and what our flirty body techniques. And then the final thing is communication and not just offline but online as well so this is another art, you know, like how do you keep things going how do you enter a conversation online that's fun and flirty. Wow. I remember I was at a party I was single and was two years ago Christmas, and I went to this admit I had a friend. I've taken a lot of wine classes and I'm a certified wine specialist and the friend who was in the courses went on to become a full Somalia very very pinned. And he was having this huge gorgeous celebration at a gorgeous home in Hancock Park I mean it was really lovely. And I brought my best friend with me. She is about the bubbliest ever. And I remember and she was married at the time. And she said, look at that guy look at that guy he's so cute and he was this guy was very attractive. And she was nudging me, you know that I should get in there and work it kind of thing, but she's a natural flirt. And I got to tell you that with the dynamic, she kept being her bubbly self, and he was completely attracted to her it was clear I did not exist. And the more that happened the less the more I was shrinking frankly I couldn't even get in there and be a contender. She had such a beautiful personality but yeah, I just shrunk and I went oh well, pass, I guess. I mean I totally relate to that you know, there's another whole other sub story to my story and that you know when I had to get back out there and date. Oh my God I thought men were aliens. I was scared to die did not know how to talk to the aliens at all and I really like I had lots of funny stories along the way where I had to learn so, but just to give everybody hope listening and that I had aspects in me that was I didn't know it I didn't know how to hone in on it and I was scared to death to show it. And especially if you're around people who are really bubbly and do it well then it can make you feel like insecure. Here's the thing that I tell people all the time. You do you don't try to be the same flirt is your friend because then it's not even going to come across as authentic like one of the things that really helped me and if you're single listening. You've got to get a good set of wing girls like that changed my life right there were four girls, we all were divorced, and we called ourselves sex in the city girls and what we would do is every single week, we would go out to a different venue and we would practice. And when I realized that each one of us had a very different flirty technique, like one woman, she is the hair twirler and the googly eyes like she's the one that would go in and she would go, you know, and do that. And I just remember feeling, Oh, dear Lord, I cannot do that like that's just not me. My other friend she was really quiet, but she did it all with her eyes. She knew how to do that three second rule where she would look, she looked down, she look again and bam the guys would be right there I'm like Jesus, how did she do that. And then my other friend she's more humor but she did it in a more like feminine playful way because sometimes humor can be like friend zoning. So for me, I was like I was learning from all the different aspects but then I took from them what was more congruent for me and authentically me and I made it my own. So it's more putting that intention behind it and that confidence behind it and then you will be a flirt. And so this is it but you have to practice it's like, it's like any muscle. Wow. That's good. Okay. Yeah, confidence make over it is a process. Yes. And if so, how can we make over and get some confidence one. Well, you know, I alluded to this formula that I teach and it's the name of my podcast charisma quotient. It is kind of my confidence creation process and what I do and because I work from the outside and there are three secret ingredients and helping people build confidence. The first being what I call raising people style intelligence. So I do start with first impressions I start with what is going on outside. And how are you marketing yourself I know you do something very similar in the media world right like it's how are you putting yourself out there how are you being seen. How are you sharing what's your body language your first impressions and how do you own that once people start gaining confidence from that. Then I go inward and I raise people's emotional intelligence right and so that's how you express yourself how you demand more for yourself how you set boundaries. How you show vulnerability how you can be your authentic self because a lot of times when you're not feeling secure. Sometimes you're not feeling confident you might shape shift into something of what other people want to see not what you truly are. And it's a process you know and I always tell people I define confidence a little different. I don't believe there's one person out there who's not confident. I believe confidence is experience so there's always one area in people's lives that they feel confident and I love honing in on that and say well how did you get there. They had practice they had a positive exposure and they and they had something where they felt good just like a job right like you start your job. You're not confident first until you do it over and over and over again. So I really like kind of synthesizing the external and the internal and then the third ingredient is raising your social intelligence so then how can you take all of this and take it to the streets and put yourself out there and flirt with you know the opposite sex how do you move the room. I teach actually a lot in the business world and how to network just with people in general how do you carry on conversations how do you move conversations from your head. Oh my god that this is so big I mean just these two points forgive me but the navigating the room like if you can look at a matrix of a room and actually hone in on you know maybe a couple of people might do the flirt technique with that's huge and then once you connect I mean that conversation piece I think is very important. Is there a tip or two you might share about that. It is why have this formula that I teach it's called the social engagement formula and it walks people through how you move conversations from more superficial level because most conversations if you think about it. You can enter it at a factual level right like oh I like your hair or I like your bag if you're a woman. Where do you live what do you do. Right right well actually those are even more I would say canned like you know like that those are like things that people will say over and over again and that's not that bad but if you're starting from a place of real like again connection I teach people how to use like observation and what's going on around them and looking at the person and making a comment or asking a question based on that person. So it's a little more connected than just like oh so what do you do for a living and oh God I mean those boring questions that nobody wants to talk about her here. But then how do you move that into more heartfelt and an emotional conversation because here's my theory about attraction is that I believe attraction happens within emotion. When someone feels not what you know. And so when you get conversations that are more in your heart and more emotive. That's when people start feeling attracted to one another so I love teaching that especially when I do my wing girl sessions and I go out with people and I teach them how to do that in time. It's so powerful because I think a lot of times people just don't recognize or know and then they'll come back from a date and say oh that was so boring was like a Q&A session. Like well what did you do to share anything about yourself or did you just sit there and fire questions at him. You know so it's an interplay between both. It's like a dance and give and take and teach you people how to do that. This is so important. I'm curious when I listen to you say this because I can tell by what you're saying having been out there myself. I can really tell how helpful like you can really change somebody's outcome without a doubt and I know you're just doing the top you're not even working with me one on one or even with the listeners as a group. But you're giving us lots of tips and pointers. I'm wondering you have a client for example they land a relationship because of their work with you. It's clicking along and doing great. What about the long term. Yeah. Do you help people to really create something lasting and something symbiotic that works. Yeah. You know I work with people at all different stages of dating and relationships. You know sometimes people even will call me who are married and they just need confidence in their marriage and their relationship. How can they have a voice with their spouse. You know that kind of thing. So I work with people in different capacities it's just a matter of like you know what they need. I will say that most people who do the work end up having success in whatever their goals are so if their success is just even being able to date. You know like maybe they've been just a relationship person their whole life and they never even learned how to date. So then that's where we tackle it you know we teach you how to date without getting attached so that you really are you know kind of keeping your eye on yourself and not getting sucked into the vortex of the relationship it's really important in the evolution. So yeah I will work with people who you know are in relationships and sometimes people just chime in and say hey Kim I'm doing really well I just need to tune up you know and so a lot of people will do tune up sessions with me. I think that's important because some of the things you're describing such as the importance of emoting at being a tractor factor. You know that's great in the beginning of a relationship keep people can be very emotive they're excited they're they're in a flush. However with a lot of relationships as time goes on that will be the drop off right. I don't you know they're not expressing as much but for people maybe their love languages words of affirmation minus you know you know really quality ways to show love I love gifts. I do I read a lot into it someone being thoughtful hearing me love when someone talks about how much they appreciate or what they see in me and this is not ego stuff like do the love language test people. It's fascinating what you'll find out. So if that drops off that becomes weird or the other thing you were talking about you know really dressing showing I care that you find me attractive and I honor and value my body and my presentation so I'm going to show up in most times you know really do my best with what I have look to the nines with what I have but what if that drops off and also the sweats around the t shirts all the time right so I that's why I was wondering about the long term piece as well as. You know, the importance of still doing the things just because you attracted the person and you nabbed him doesn't mean that stuff should fall off. Totally right it's like how do you catch them but then how do you keep them and it is everything that you're talking about in fact I've done a couple podcasts on how to date your partner again you know going back to the fundamentals of what we're talking about those three areas that I talk about. I mean that's normal to fall off you know it's not even just like you know some people do everybody does in a relationship we all get a little comfortable we all get a little complacent and we all get a little easy. And so that's why it's good to instill some excitement and you know almost like go on a first date for the first time and get all dolled up for each other and do something that gets the adrenaline rush going and those things can actually re spark a relationship but the communication thing is huge you know I find that the breakdown in relationships always comes down to two things confidence and communication every single time. And so it's like really assessing that as you go along the continuum because if you're not communicating it can make you feel not confident also in the relationship. And so again it's like looking at all those different aspects. Okay so people weigh in Kim just said how to date your partner again if that's something you would like to hear would be in the next year. Let me know because I'm curious I think that show alone would be worth the price of a dare to dream admission. Thank you for even dropping that little seedling here. That's awesome. And so Kim we're here at the end this is dare to dream brilliant show I have loved every second with you thank you it has been a dream show. What are you next year to dream what are your future dreams and goals. I think what I love about being an entrepreneur is that we have so many options and ways of creativity. I'm like you I have such a creative side and I like doing a variety of things I think moving into the new year. I want to do more speaking. I want to do more media. Actually, I want to maybe write a book. I feel like I want to reach more people that's kind of like what's coming to me this year and because I love working with people one on one but I just want to reach more and that's why I love podcasting so much too. Right like I mean all the way around the world you can help people and and so I just feel blessed that we have all these mediums at which we can do that. Thank you so much for coming on the show and for sharing your brilliance. I really appreciate it. Thank you for having me. Oh my gosh, this is amazing. Thanks. Yeah, and Kim just reminded me of something. As you know I teach the ultimate visibility formula go to Debbie D net visibility and as well. I've been having a very interesting how things show up I've been having a lot of requests of late for people. It comes in spurts and patterns but they want to write their book. So I my human design is to listen to your need and respond to it. So so many people have been asking when am I going to start another group. If you're interested in writing a book and you'd like to be part of the book writing coaching group and write a page turn a book. Just email me at support at Debbie dashinger.com d e b b i d a c h i n g e r and I end today's show with this quote from roomie. Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. Tune in the next weeks on Dare to Dream and listen to this cutting edge conversation with the number one transformation conversation podcast. My upcoming guests are going to be Patty Stranger, Paul Selig, David Wolf and Lisa Gar. Subscribe to YouTube so you can see all my fabulous guests at youtube.com slash Debbie dashinger. And remember that the secret of success, of course, is having the courage to begin in the first place. Thank you for joining us today.