 La-da-da-da-da-da-da. La-da-da-da-da-da. You never know just how much I love yous. La-da-da-da-da. Ah, Julius, what do you think? Miss Faye, you's will make Doris call it a day. All right. Mr. Sharp, I'm ready. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. Here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed written by Ed James and Phil Shooken with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, John Hubbard, Jeanine Ruse and Whitfield, Walter Sharp and his music and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Tonight's frantic little fantasy is entitled Little Alice's First Date or I Don't Want to Be a Lonesome Banana I'll Just Hang Around with the Bun. First, however, here's a word from RCA Victor. Stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Harris and Alice Faye are known as Phil Harris and Alice Faye. They are known as Mr. and Mrs. Alice Faye. Two daughters, Little Alice and Little Phyllis. But time doing what time does, they're not quite so little as Phil would like to think. Phil, thanks? You are divine. You are sublime. You're a sensation. You're such a doll. Honey, if it ain't me, how dare I be so handsome? Oh, sewing something, huh? No, no. Just running a needle in and out of Alice's coat to improve the ventilation. Oh, that really helps, huh? Every time. Well, then what's the rush? Why don't you do it tomorrow? Well, it happens that Alice is going to a dance tonight with a date. Honey, I got news for you. A little baby daughter of mine is going to no dance with no date. Not as long as I got anything to do with it. And I've got news for you, Mr. Van Winkle. A 14-year-old girl is not a baby. 14? But it seems like only yesterday I was putting her in her playpen. It wasn't. She's getting pretty tired of it. I just can't believe it. In only 14 years, how could she get to be 14 years old? She doesn't count the way you do. Telling people you're 25. I don't tell people I'm 25. I tell them that Alice is 14 and I was a father at 11. And they figure the rest out for themselves. Well, you can't be a juvenile all your life. Even, even Mickey Rooney grew up. Yeah, but not all the way. A nice little band might be outside and she can't run in them high heel shoes. I like my strapless evening gown, Dad. Why shouldn't it be? There ain't enough of it to keep... And if you ask me, it's too far gone. I'll put some of it back on. You don't like the way I look. Yes, I do. Alice, honestly, I do. Well, it's just that... Well, I ain't seen this much of you since you had your first baby picture taken. Different from all the other girls. And this is a coming-out party. She's coming out all right. Looks like she's getting squeezed out of a tube of toothpaste. And what's more... Wait a minute, hold it, Clyde. Now what's the matter? Her lips, she's bleeding. Barring on... That's lipstick. Lipstick? My baby daughter is wearing lipstick. Looks like you put it on with a trowel. Mother, he's here, he's here. Furthermore, I'm not... Father Easy, let's not get our little brain in a tizzy. Look, honey, I... We'll talk about it later. Be a good boy and let Sniffy in. Why do I have to... Who? You call him Sniffy? We won't call him anything if you don't let him in. Now come on, fellas, come on, come on. Let's finish putting the... Finish touches on Alice, huh? Come on, Mother, I'm so excited. He's a doll. Oh, mush. Sniffy. Oh, that's a classy name. Sniffy. All right, I'm coming, I'm coming. First thing you know, I'm gonna have gray hair. Or no hair. I'll be a grandfather. Old craw dad. What's the matter, something wrong, Dad? And don't call me Dad. Okay. You got a lot of nerve coming in here making cracks about how old I am. You ain't no spring chicken yourself, Clyde. Wait a minute, let's start this thing over again. Hey, Curly, how's tricks? Oh, come in and shut the door, will you? Beautiful night, ain't it? Not that I care one way or the other, but it seemed like a reasonable way to open the conversation. All right, Ellie, don't open no conversations. I'm full of problems. I got a lot of problems. Bad, huh? Oh, it's Alice, my little daughter. She's growing up. First thing you know, she'll get married. She'll be a mother. A grandmother. She'll be older than I am. What are you talking about, Curly? Little Alice, she's going out with a guy. Oh, I see what you mean. Well, you mean you see what I mean. What's wrong with her going out with a guy? Well, I remember the first time I went out with a girl. And if I was you, I wouldn't let her. You may not know about these things like this, but there are some kids who don't go around peddling hot hubcaps. And there are some young men that respect American womanhood. How about the first time you went out with a girl, Curly? I'll kill him. Now, let's figure this thing out. What do you know about this kid? Where's he taking her? Just to a school dance. The place will be loaded with chaperones. Uh-huh. How much can a loaded chaperone watch? How old is he? I don't know. 15? 20? 25? I'll tell you, I don't know. He's just a kid that... What do you mean 25? He's in the ninth grade with Alice. When I was 25, I was in the sixth grade. Yeah, and at the rate you were going, you would have gotten out when you were 50. See what I mean? Oh, Elliot, what am I gonna do? About what? About Alice. I can't let her go out with a man 50 years old. You know, it's a good thing I showed up, Curly. You're gonna watch these things. You suppose his wife knows about it? Whose wife? The kids. He's got a wife? Curly. You don't think he got to be 50 years old without a wife and kids, do you? The kids got kids? You know, this gets worse all the time. Look, Elliot, you gotta help me. You know me, Curly, my right arm up to there. Okay, but now we gotta be clever about this. You bet. Real clever. Diabolical. You know, something will be so clever that this guy'll never know what happened. Right. Now, there's only one other thing I've got to figure out. What's that, Curl? How do we do it? That's a problem. Maybe... I got it. We'll take him in the garage and stuff him inside of a tire. No! We'll work on it with Sledgehammer. No, Elliot, no. We'll question him. That's all. We'll find out all about him. Hold it, Curly. There's a guy coming up the front walk. Let me see. See? Yeah. Yeah. That's him, Sniffy. Pardon me. That's the guy, Sniffy. He's a clever devil, ain't he? 50 years old and made up to look like a kid of 15. Hell. Now, look, Elliot. Yes? Go outside and grab him. And, Elliot? Yeah? I'll meet you in the garage in two minutes. I got to get in the mood. Right. The story you're about to hear is true. The names have been changed to protect the actors. It was late when I got back to headquarters and I found three bodies piled in front of my desk. That was peculiar because I don't have a desk. It was Harris. My name is Friday. I mean, it was Friday. My name is Harris. Suddenly a voice rang out in the dark and a weird mysterious voice, a voice that seemed to say... Is that your chief? Yeah, where's the kid? Right here. Okay, let's go to work. Close the door, Joe. Okay, chief. Seven car garage. We don't fool around with no small stuff. You ready to start, chief? Right. Shine the light in his eyes. Right. All right, sir. Start talking. Gosh, Mr. Harris. I don't know what this is all about. I came to take Alice to the dance and this man told me that I had to wait in the garage and I'm very confused. Besides, I don't like garages because I'm allergic. Won't talk, huh? Now look, sir. Yes, Mr. Harris? This boy needs a new washer. Keep going, chief. You're doing great. Okay. What do I do next? Ask him his name. Right. What's your name, sir? Sniffy. You hear that, Elliot? His name is Sniffy. A clever alias but won't hold water. Sniffy. Yes, sir? I can't keep calling him Sniffy. What's your right name, sir? My right name, Mr. Harris, is Odell Sneedon Hathaway. The third. Odell? Sneedon? Hathaway. The third. Look, Sniffy. Yes, sir? How old are you? I'm 15, sir. Your likely story is 16 if he's a day. Elliot, would you stop it or interrupt him? All right, chief. Go ahead. Okay. Take over, Elliot. All right. Sniffy. Yes, sir? What more are you with? What? Take him, chief. Right. Where do you work? I... Where do you live? I... Where were you on that January 16th? Elliot. Sorry, chief. Slip down. You want to take over? No. Go ahead. You're doing fine. Okay. Sniffy, now pay attention. What are your intentions toward my daughter? If she don't bother me, I will bother her. You might as well face it. We're not getting any place. We'll have to use force. Force? What kind of force? Oh, nothing elaborate. Maybe a few of the basic torches, like the Iron Maiden, Chinese Water Cure, listening to Guy Lombardo. Art Linkletter won't get it, huh? You better let me out of here or I'll tell my father. Now we got him. I didn't want to go to any old dance in the first place. Just crackin' wide open. I don't like dances and I... and I don't like girls. Keep going, sir. You're doing fine. My father's the district attorney and when I tell him what you did to me... You hear that, chief? His father's the who? The district attorney. That's who my father is. Uh... Take over, Curly. The ball came in the first place. That's what I should have done. Curly got it already. That's Sniffy. Oh, no, boy. You got us all wrong. As the alley, it's so wrong. He doesn't know why we brought him on into the garage, does he? He thought we were going to torture him. When all the time all we wanted to do was give him some tickets to the football game. In the garage? No, in the Coliseum. Gosh, I thought you were mad at me or something. Us? Mad at you? You hear that, Elliot? He thought we were mad at him. Good old Odell Sneedon. Yeah, now look, Sniffy, here's a couple of tickets for the Rams game. Now go ahead out of here and have a lot of fun. Yeah, live it up. Have a ball. The Rebs? Gosh. Thank you, Mr. Harris. Thank you very much. Yeah, give my regards to your father. Yeah, say hello to the DA. Goodbye. Curly. We did it. Oh, we got rid of him, didn't we? Wait till I tell Alice. Hey, boy, will she be tickled, huh? Hey, wait a minute, Elliot. What's that? We forgot one thing. What's that, Curly? We never found out how many kids he had. Alice, honey. Well, have you seen Sniffy? He was supposed to have been here 15 minutes ago. Tell her, Curly. Hey, honey, will you hear what we did? Just wait till you hear what... Mother, I can't understand it. He promised he'd take me. Oh, Alice, baby. Listen, you got nothing to worry about. We fixed that Sniffy character. We sniffed him good. You what, mother? Yes, sir, it'll be a long time before he comes messing around here again. Phil, you didn't send him away. Send him away, you hear that, Curly? Hey, honey, you should have heard it. Man, Elliot started that torture business on him. Phil Harris. Oh, mother. Well, wait a minute. Alice, you didn't want her to go out with that drip, did you? Oh, Phil, if you'd only keep on to the things that don't concern you. It concerns me as much as anybody. She's my daughter and she ain't going out with no strange guys. For your information, Phil, they went to kindergarten together. Like I said, Curly, a pickup. You're such a good friend. He carried my books, and I carried his nose drops. Honey, gee, Wes, I was only trying to help. Oh, you were a big help. I tried to help, too. All right. All right, get going, both of you. What? You've got just five minutes to produce Sniffy or a reasonable facsimile. She makes the kids sound like a box top. Now look, honey. Get. But I... Wait a minute, Alice. I'm the head of this family, and I'll look for Sniffy when I'm good and ready. Phil? I'm ready. Come on, Alice. Oh, how do I know? Come on, let's get, we'll add lib as we go. Oh, mother. Oh, Alice. Alice. I'm so miserable. What am I going to do? Oh, gee. Maybe a song would help. Snuggle up, kitten. You. I'm in love with you, you, you. I could be so true, true, true to someone like you, you, you. Do, do, do. Watch out a do, do, do. Take me in your arms, please do. Let me cling to you, you, you. We were meant for each other. Sure as heavens above. We were meant for each other to have, to hold, and to love. There's no one like you. You could make my dreams come true. If you say you love me too. I could be so true, true to someone like you, you. Watch out a do, do. Take me in your arms, please do. Let me cling to you, you, you. We were meant for each other. Sure as heavens above. We were meant for each other to have, to hold, and to love. Well, it makes you think so. They never found Chloe, did they? That's an idea. Any good swamps around here? No. But why don't we look for them at the Coliseum? Well, ain't that where the Rams are playing? The Cucamonga Rams? You mean you gave him tickets? They're a clever one. But clever? Yeah, I'm as sharp as a sack of wet cement. I get news for it. If I don't produce sniffy, I ain't going home. Hey, Curly, what about that other thing? You know, the facsimile. What are you talking about? Where are we going to find a thing like that at this time or not? Curly, when she said a facsimile, she meant... Look out! A facsimile is look out? No, no, no. No, it means the same thing. Then what's the difference? Curly, look. When I say... Look out! That's Julius. Why, that little runt tried to run us down. I'll find him. He's a facsimile. Curly, we got it. Julius is a facsimile? In a nauseating sort of a way. I can't find one of them facsimile things. How about using Julius? Curly, you are a little... Julius, old buddy boy. Speak to you for a moment, please, sir. I must have mangled the... Hey, Julius. How would you like to go to a dance? Can you lead? Not today, no. No, you got us all wrong, old buddy. We're your friends. Either me and fruition is dead or... Julius, we're going to make you a real happy kid. You're going to let me back the truck over his? Wonderful sense of humor, that kid. Oh, a laugh of men are trying nothing but laughs. Please, he's taken... You? You? Our buddy? Our pal? Our facsimile? Hey, Julius. Now, listen. How would you like to take a beautiful young lady to a dance? But we already made the date for you. Julius, look. We'll do anything you say. Name your own terms. Ooh, this day must be a dorm. Well, are you going to go or aren't you? Will you wash me truck? I'll wash and he'll wipe. Will you deliver me groceries all day tomorrow? We will call you dear, Mr. Abruzio. King of the supermarkets. How about it, Julius? I still ain't interested. Now look, you little crepe. Leave him alone, Elliot. Leave him alone, brother. Just leave him alone. If he won't, he won't. Just means poor little Alice won't go to the dance, that's all. Well, she'll get over it. Oh, Alice, huh? Wait a minute, my good man. I have decided to reconsider your proposition. I shall be only too happy to accompany the Fair Danzoo in pursuit of Type-Sikori and the lights. Huh? That means yes. Oh, oh, oh. Well, then go ahead, Julius. What are you waiting for? You want I should take poor little Alice in the truck? No, no, no. You can take my car. But look, hurry up. You'll miss the whole dance. Oh, dance like a breeze. Like a... You got any intuition? Why? Mine tells me something is all loused up. Who isn't? Anybody isn't. I'm a... Well, that's funny. Where do you suppose... Hi, Uncle Elliot. How's every little thing? Oh, great, Phil. Great. Little Alice could take care of her. All right. Sure. She and Sniffy went to the football game. Sniffy? Oh, you said you gave him tickets, didn't you? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sure. Hey, look, fellas. What happened when Julius showed up? Well, he and Mom went to the dance like you said. Oh! Just a moment. Every one of the dollars you'll invest in a television set is mighty important to you. So make sure you get full value for your money. Make sure you get an RCA Victor. New RCA Victor television costs as little as $199.95. Yet it's the finest TV you can buy. And remember this. When you buy one of the new RCA Victor television receivers, you can enjoy America's finest installation and maintenance through an RCA Victor factory service contract. This exclusive factory service is another reason why, every year, more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. This is Phil again. To encourage Americans to speak up for freedom, Freedom's Foundation is currently offering its fifth annual awards program. Cash awards and honor medals are offered in 15 categories. You may obtain entry blanks by writing the Freedom's Foundation Incorporated. Valley Forge, Pennsylvania. Thank you and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe was Gil Stratton. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network production.