 My name is Sam Dutton and I am the author of Malignad's Search Club, Narcissism Revisited. Today we will discuss Stokers. Stokers are not made of one cloth. Some of them are psychopaths. Other Stokers are schizoids, narcissists, paranoids, or an odd mixture of these unsavory mental health disorders. Stokers harass their victims because they are lonely, or because it is fun. These are latent sadists, or because they cannot help it. They are clinging, codependent, or for myriad different other reasons. Clearly, coping techniques suited to one type of stalker may backfire or prove to be futile with another. The only denominator common to all bullying Stokers is their pent-up rage. Stoker is angry, adheres for her targets, and hates them. He perceives his victims as unnecessarily and cheerlessly frustrating. The aim of stalking is to educate the victim and to punish her, hence a catch-22 of coping with Stokers. The standard and good advice is to avoid all contact with your stalker, to ignore him, even as you take precautions. But being evaded only inflames the stalker's wrath and enhances his frustration. The more the stalker feels sidelined, ignored, and stonewalled, the more persistent he becomes, the more intrusive, and the more aggressive. So what to do? It is essential, therefore, to first identify the type of abuser your face will. Start with the erotomaniac. This kind of stalker believes that he is in love with you, and that regardless of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, the feeling is reciprocated. In other words, he believes that you are in love with him. He interprets everything you do or refrain from doing, as coded messages, confessing your eternal devotion to him and to your relationships. Erotomaniacs are lonely, socially in-apps people. There may also be people with whom you have been involved dramatically, your former spouse, a former boyfriend, or even a one-night stand. They could also be colleagues or co-workers. The best coping strategy within erotomania is to ignore him. Do not communicate with him, or even acknowledge his existence. The erotomaniac clutches at straws, and often suffers from ideas of reference. He tends to blow out of proportion every comment or gesture of his loved one. So avoid contact. Do not talk to him. Return his gifts unopened, refuse to discuss with him anything or discuss him with others, delete his correspondence. Then there is an narcissistic stalker. He feels entitled to your time, attention, admiration, and resources. He interprets every rejection as an act of aggression which leads to a narcissistic injury. He reacts with sustained rage and vindictiveness. He can turn violent because he feels omnipotent and immune to the consequences of his actions. Your best coping strategy with a narcissistic stalker is to make clear that you want no further contact with him and that this decision is not personal. Be firm. Do not hesitate to inform him that you hold him responsible for his stalking. Bullying and harassment and that you will take all necessary steps to protect yourself. Narcissists at base are cowards and are easily intimidated. Luckily, they never get emotionally attached to their prey and so they can move on with relative ease. Then there is the paranoid stalker. This is by far the most dangerous of the lot. He lives in an inaccessible world of his own making. He cannot be risen with, he cannot be controlled. He thrives on threats, anxiety, and fear. He distorts every communication to feed his persecutory delusion and enhance his anxiety. Paranoid's conduct is unpredictable and there is no typical scenario. But experience shows that you can minimize the danger to yourself and to your household by taking some basic steps. If at all possible put as much physical distance as you can between yourself and the paranoid stalker. Change address, phone number. Email account, cell phone number, and list the kids in a new different school. Find a new job, get a new credit card, open a new bank account. Move states if you have to. Do not inform your paranoid ex about your whereabouts and about your new life. You may have to make painful sacrifices such as minimize contacts even with your family and best friends. And even with all these precautions your abusive ex is likely to find you. It is furious that you have fled and invaded him, raging at your new found existence, suspicious and resentful of your freedom and personal autonomy. Violence is more than likely to ensue. Unless deterred, paranoid former spouses tend to be harmful, even in some cases lethal. So be prepared. Alert your local law enforcement officers. Check out your neighborhood domestic violence shelter. If you're owning a gun for self-defense, or at the very least a stun gun or mustard spray, carry these with you at all times. Keep them close by and accessible even when you're asleep or in your bathroom. Eurotomaniac stalking can last many years. Do not let down your guard even if you haven't heard from him for a while. Stalkers leave traces, they tend for instance to scout the territory before they make them move. A typical stalker invades his or her victim's privacy a few times long before the crucial and injurious encounter. So is your computer being tampered with? Is someone downloading or emailing? Has anyone been in your house while you were away? Any signs of breaking and entering, missing things, atypical disorder or even too much order? Is your post being delivered erratically, some of the envelopes having been opened and then resealed? Mysterious phone calls are broccoli disconnected when you pick up. Your stalker may scout your home sitting in a vehicle opposite your doorstep. In all these, if all these signs, if some of these signs exist, your stalker must have dropped by and is monitoring you. Notice any unusual pattern, any strange event, anywhere it occurs. Someone is driving by your house morning and evening and your gardener or maintenance man came by in your absence. Someone is making inquiries about you and your family, maybe it's time to move on. Teach your children to avoid your paranoid ex and to report to you immediately any contact he has made with them. Abusive bullies often strike where it hurts most, at once children. Explain to your children the danger without being unduly alarmed. Make a distinction between adults whom they can trust and your abusive former spouse or ex whom they should avoid. Ignore your gut reactions and impulses because they are often misleading. Sometimes the stress is so onerous and so infuriating that you feel like striking back at the stalker, so don't do it. Don't play his game. He is better at it than you are and is likely to defeat you. Instead, unleash the full force of the law whenever you get the chance to do so. Restraining orders, peace bonds, spells in jail and frequent visits from the police tend to check the abuser's violent and intrusive conduct. The other behavioral extreme is equally futile and counterproductive. Do not try to buy peace by appeasing your abuser. Submissiveness and attempts to reason with him only whet the stalker's appetite. He regards both as contemptible weaknesses, vulnerabilities that he can explode. You cannot communicate with a paranoid because he is likely to distort everything that you say to support his persecutory delusions. He has a sense of entitlement. He has grandiose fantasies. You cannot appeal to his emotions or reason he has none. He is at least no positive emotion. Remember, your abusive and paranoid former partner blames it all on you. As far as he is concerned, you, recklessly and unscrupulously, wrecked a wonderful thing that you both had going. He is vengeful, seething and prone to bouts of uncontroll and extreme aggression. Don't listen to those who tell you to take it easy. Hundreds of thousands of women paid with their lives for hitting this idiotic advice. Do not take it easy. Do not calm down. Do be hyper-vigilant. Your paranoid stalker is inordinately dangerous and, more likely than not, is with you for a long time to come. Finally, there is an anti-social or psychopathic stalker. Though ruthless and typically violent, the psychopath is a calculating machine how to maximize his gratification and personal profit. Psychopaths lack empathy and may even be sadistic, but understand well and instantly the language of carrots and sticks, so your best coping strategy is to convince your psychopath that messing with your life or with your nearest is going to cost him dearly. Do not threaten him. Simply be unequivocal about your desire to be left in peace and your intentions to involve the law should he stalk, harass or threaten you. Give him a choice between being left alone and becoming the target or becoming the target of multiple arrests, restraining orders and worse. Take extreme precautions at all times and meet him only in public places.