 Let's take this time to relax. Relax. The body. The body. The mind. The mind. Listen to my voice. My voice. Woohoo! Gears of war. Blood bathing. Head-talking. Lust of fucking violence. I want you! Why these clips you're saying I'm not the average Joe, you stupid dipshit Lancer chainsaw and pile of- Oh hello. It's me, Dr. Skipper. Gears 5 is a year old now, so let's go on a journey of self-discovery. Reflect back on the year that has passed. Come with me. Toot. Gears of war 5. Up seems we have a special snowflake on our hands. Gears 5 is a one-year-old little baby, so let's blow up the candles and reflect back on this game. Skipper, I don't like Gears of War. It's a dead franchise. Shut the fuck up. Unlike the pathetic sack of shit that you are, I frag the fuck out and can beat anybody blindfolded. For real though, I know Gears of War isn't the powerhouse that it once was, but I'm still obligated to care about the franchise. It's a mix of nostalgia and ego, because I've been playing this franchise since I was 7 and became really fucking good at it. So if you don't give a shit about Gears of War, let me explain how it works. Shooting? Yes. ADS? Yes. Sprint? Yes. First person? No. The combat in Gears of War is extremely moving based. The shotgun is your strongest ally, usually being a one-shot kill when completely barrel stuffed, but can sometimes be as consistent as my will to live. The answer is your standard assault rifle for kids who couldn't get a prom date in high school, but the redeeming quality is that there's a chainsaw at the end of it. You could choose to be a grade A mega-faggot that sprays down anybody in open water, but if you're like me and have a massive pair of nuts, you'll go for the meat-guzzling glory. Like the overlooked sibling that gets less respect due to him not having a 4.0 GPA or having the ability to pull home runs out of his ass, Gears of War has power weapons that could be picked up around the map that you would never know about because of his little brother that got a full ride to Yale. Fuck. Sniper ad shots. Kaboom boom. But unlike Halo, I don't need these weapons to control the scoreboard. Active reloads give extra damage and reload the gun faster. Wall hopping like a fucking rabbit is the reason I shit on every 26-year-old who still plays this game. It's been a year since this game came out, but like the sinner I am, I'm unloyal and committed adultery to many other games. Here's a quick history lesson, though. I played the Living Shit out of Gears of War 4, which had the best multiplayer and horde in the series and managed to be a part of the top 15 in Nevada. I know, right? Fucking praise me. When Gears 5 initially came out, I avoided my homework, paused my social life, and got the first prestige win of the week to see that there's no display of it. So then I slowly start to burn out over the next two months. Gears 5 was an amazing nightmare at launch. Hello. This is the phone representative of the coalition. How can I help you today? Hey, motherfucker. I got some questions. Who thought it was a good idea to make the Lancer equivalent to a space laser? Are you out of fucking mind? Who decided to make the shotgun hit for 26? All right, I'll transfer you to president. I'm the president. What do you want? Hey, motherfucker. Why did every base map suck dick at launch? Why in 2020 is the smear texture glitch still happening? Why is the lighting texture glitch still happening? Why is it that at launch there's no cool characters for me to play? I wanted to play Carmine, motherfucker. Benjamin Carmine. Did I play a meal from Halo Reach? Why the fuck is this game full of promos? I get killed by 70-year-old fucks with Bay Puddies. I get killed by the fucking Terminator. Are you out of your mind? Come on, you see me, motherfucker. This is my game, right? I play this game. I shit on this game. You can shut up. You go to hell. Go to hell. You have nothing to fuck with. Thanks. Have a great day. Gears War 4 is the best multiplayer for a lot of reasons. It had the best mobility and legacy options, bringing back a majority of base maps to play on. It added a lot of new weapons and customization as well. That were earned from nasty fucking loot crates, but you could melt down skins to buy the ones that you wanted. I love you, Carmines. Thank you for being back. Gears 5 has brought back a lot of maps from Gears 4, and those are the only good maps. They've remade a couple old maps, but not many. And every base map on Gears 5 is boring, made with the design of the Lancer being a viable option for long range. As much as I joke about pussies using Lancer, it was actually problematic with every map, since you were able to drop anyone with one clip where the previous game would take two and a half from long range. The intention of movement-based combat is disrupted when anybody could fucking drop you from clicking a super accurate laser. The Nashor, though, is the best it's been, having pellet-based detection like Fortnite, making shit players take accountability for missing direct shots. Gears 4 had a fun horde system introducing classes that you could choose and upgrade. Gears 5 does not have this. Instead, Gears 5 added hero abilities like overwatching cars that are exclusive to the characters that you play, meaning you can't play as a meal from Halo Reach and have the same abilities as Marcus. And if a character doesn't have an ability, well, shit, you can't play them, which means I can't play Benjamin Carmine. Who's fucking idea was this? Who in the right fucking mind said that let's not let players play their favorite character? And on top of that, it's only one character per person, which means you can't have three of the same character. And if you choose to go anything above beginner when playing and die, it's game over, meaning there is no trial and error like Gears Ward 3 or 4. Gears 5's multiplayer is okay, and a year later, it's a fixer-upper, but it's still subpar. So now you want to know about the campaign. Well, it starts with...