 We started in another video talking about relationships in general, some of the different characteristics and variables that we see in romantic relationships in particular. So in this video, I want to touch on a few specific communication aspects of romantic relationships and how we communicate in those specific type of relationships, meaning romantic relationships. So let's talk a little bit about communication in romantic relationships. There are a few communication variables in romantic relationships that we see that are different. Again, what we mean by this is just ways that different relationships handle different types and modes of communication. So for example, conflict. We see in some relationships, some couples, some relationships see a very direct style of confrontational, loud kind of argumentative style of conflict in that relationship. Others are more quiet and they're more discussion oriented. They may not raise their voices, may just talk soothingly and calmly to one another and express themselves. Others we see, the communication really drops off in these situations and there may not be much communication at all happening and that's how they deal with conflict. None of these is wrong necessarily. Whatever works for that relationship is what works. Part of the problem comes when you have one person who wants to engage, for example, and the other person who doesn't. When you're not matching up those conflict styles, then that can be an issue and it doesn't mean that you have to have the exact same ones coming into a relationship, but oftentimes it means that there needs to be some negotiation as that relationship develops as to how you will engage in conflict. And that can oftentimes take the form of what we call meta communication, meaning communication about communication. It can be shocking if you're somebody who comes into a relationship and you're more the quiet or reserved type of person in conflict and the other person is more of an argumentative in your face and that's kind of just what they grew up with and it doesn't mean that they're aggressive or violent or anything like that, it's just the style that they grew up with. So when you're not used to that, it can take some adjustment and so you may need to have some conversations about, look, that's not the kind of confrontation style that I'm used to or conflict style that I'm used to and we need to find a middle ground or a way to know that when I raise my voice, I'm not necessarily angry with you. I'm just, it's just how I talk in those situations or, or when I stop talking when I'm more reserved. It doesn't mean that I'm, you know, pulling away from the relationship. It just means that that's how I process conflict and things. So we need to understand that people will have different communication styles when it comes to conflict and as part of that relationship, we may need to find some sense of middle ground or have some sort of negotiation, so to speak, through meta communication about how we're going to engage in conflict in that relationship. Another area where there may be some communication that's needed in terms of how we're going to handle things is the area of privacy. Are you somebody who really likes to keep things to yourself and what happens here, stays here and maybe somebody else or somebody who is accustomed to sharing their feelings with their family and their friends and things and you may need to have a conversation about how you're going to handle privacy. What information you can and should share with others and what information you should not and come to some understanding about, you know, what's going to be comfortable in that relationship and allow you both to have some level of comfort. Again, through meta communications, we're talking about these things we can in a sense to negotiate some sense of common ground in terms of these areas. Emotion is another area where we have to find some way to express emotion, you know, equivalently or whatever you may be familiar with. The movie, it's getting a little older now, but the movie Inside Out and in particular where they're having dinner to say, I made a movie where we have all the emotions that are represented. And they're having dinner and the parents are trying to get at how to have this conversation with their daughter. And they're just not on the same page because they don't handle emotion the same way. It seems like the mom wants to engage a bit more and she's looking for support from the dad. And the dad's just like, I don't know what to do. I'm not really paying as much attention here and they handle emotion differently in that situation. And so they aren't on the same page. So it may, again, be one of those things that it's not that either one is better or worse or right or wrong. But to a certain extent, you have to come to some common ground in these areas. So something to consider is how we process, how we express and how we manage emotion in a relationship that will take some time and effort to develop as well. How are we going to handle instrumental communication, instrumental just meaning the everyday conversations about who's picking the kids up after school and who's responsible for dinner and who's got what happening on, you know, so how are we going to handle this kind of instrumental communication? What's the best method for us? In our family, a lot of times it came in, fortunately we have smart phones that came down to a calendar, a common calendar. We could put things on the calendar and have some idea of what's happening that day and then look at who's got what going on and who can take care of these different things and reminding us when we have dentist appointments and all these other different things happening when we're going to be available for things. So, you know, but different, different families and different relationships handle instrumental communication in different ways. So you need to, again, come to some understanding, some agreement about how you're going to handle those things. And then finally, another area is social networks. How are we going to handle our social networks? And that doesn't just mean, you know, now we think of social networks as like Facebook and Instagram and so forth and those types of social networks. But in reality, we mean social networks as in the different relationships that we have in our lives, both as individuals and as a pair or a couple in this relationship. So how are we going to handle these social networks? Just a phone in Marx came up with this idea of what he called the theory of triangles, where he described the importance of these, an understanding of social relationships and social networks within an interpersonal relationship. So he says it starts with your inner self. Obviously, you have your inner self, you have you yourself, right? And what you have, then you will have a relationship, a primary relationship with another person, theoretically in this situation. That's your significant other, right? The person you're in a romantic relationship with is the primary relationship there. But then you're also going to have these different other important outside interests and other relationships that you might have with your family, with your friends, with your coworkers and things. And so you're going to have these other relationships that exist, maybe outside of or separate from that primary relationship. The real question is then, how do we create this sort of triangle in balancing these things out? How do we respond when our social networks begin to merge? And where will they merge? And how do they merge? And how does that impact the relationship and really that intersection between the primary relationship and the outside interests? That's where those key conversations need to take place and understanding how we're going to both handle those relationships and how we're going to engage in those relationships and balance those out with our other primary relationship and other relationships that exist outside of that. So you can see there's a variety of factors and other things that we haven't mentioned here that are involved in communicating in romantic relationships. But the most important thing I think you'd probably see all the common thread moving through all of those things is that you have to be willing to enable to converse about those things and come to some understanding through usually some form of meta communication, meaning talking about how we're going to communicate about these things, how we're going to manage these things as a couple, as a partnership, and then doing the best we can and making adjustments as we go along then after that and doing the best we can to manage those within those expectations. If you have questions about communicating in romantic relationships or anything else related to that, please feel free to email me and be happy to discuss it with you there. In the meantime, I hope that you will think about how communication does impact and reality create and maintain these different important relationships in our lives.