 Hello and welcome to harsh critique today We're going to do a draft by someone called seven ball craze who sent me their draft over the wiki.pm. System actually They asked for a harsh critique and they're going to get one Item number SCP xxxx can't really argue with that object class Euclid strike through Yep, I love it when a draft starts off telling me that it doesn't know that the writer doesn't really know what they're doing a Euclid or it says Euclid strike but struck through and then it says neutralized So here's the thing that I don't like object classes in the first place But when you strike through an object class is it currently Euclid is it currently Euclid and being Transition to neutralized is it immediately been neutralized are we neutralizing it? with a strike through you just confuse the reader there's information that's not being given and There's a previous containment procedures and current containment procedures And the thing about that is that previous containment procedures tells me that that's a whole paragraph I don't have to read but I'm gonna read it just because SCP xxx is to be kept in a 75 liter tank because a 76 liter tank would cause a breach I guess with a constant temperature of 24 degrees Celsius and a pH level of around 7 it's gonna have a neutral pH level But only round seven SCP xxx's diet consists of regular fish food That is super descriptive regular fish food SCP xxx's tank is to be cleaned every month That's me has to be monitored to check for any escape attempts or other differences in their behavior I love how those are the previous containment procedures and the current containment procedures are SCP xxx's tank is to be stored in Storage unit a at site 66 in the other instances to be immediately contained when it occurs Wait, let's examine this sentence any other instances of SCP xxxx are to be immediately contained when it occurs The previous containment procedures are to be reused. I know what they mean They mean if a new version of SCP xxxx is found and contained Then they need to use the old previous containment procedures But that's not what it says. It just says when it occurs. So it's completely non-specific as to what it is Description SCP xxxx were a group of five pentegrist tetrazona Instances of sb xxxx were averaged were averaged at a length of 8 centimeters and had a span of 2.5 centimeters They had the ability to speak English. However, they could only be understood when they were above wall. That's such an interesting little detail You can only be understand if they're above water if they're below water. It sounds like Thanks for letting me know sb xxxx has shown to have had Nice sentence structure an extreme desire to return back to the store. No, I do what you're talking The store what where did that even come from and had even requested some staff to return them back to the store Man, you know what the problem with a lot of new writers is always that they have an idea in their head And they know what's going on and they just assume everyone else understands exactly what they already know And that's what we're doing with here So the person who wrote this knows what the store is and knows the backstory of these five little fish And they're like, oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, so they want to go back to the store and then to forget the fact that they never actually wrote about the store And it even ruins is doing their behavior towards foundation personnel who refused to return them were verbally hostile was verbally hostile probably but either way SCP xxxx was also hostile and aggressive with other SCP xxxx, but they kept them all in the same tank cuz why not yeah, it's fine Most of the arguments and disputes between them were verbally and a few of them involving violence see it in the max xxxx three Interview attempts I'd always failed had always failed Which means that at some point they didn't fail due to it either refusing to talk or being uncooperative I just oh, okay. So the writer just didn't want to have to write interview logs. That's that's what we're right here They're like I can't write dialogue. So They don't like talking to people. Yeah, that's it You create an anomaly that can talk but you don't want to write dialogue for it So you're like they can talk they just choose not to idiot Addendum xxxx dash one on February 2nd of 2019 SCP 4620. Oh, hey, somebody put the number in there. Okay. I was discovered in a local fish shop called La tienda de pez, which I'm gonna assume is just something like the fish shop in Blackbox, Texas after multiple reports of something speaking to them without knowing Who had spoke? Man, I'm almost Wondering whether or not this person has English as a first language because a lot of these sentence structures are very very very awkward Class B amnestics were distributed to witness of SCP xxxx Not witnesses witness of They didn't All right, addendum xxxx dash two which is an escape attempt log on 2505 2019 and xxxx dash two attempted to escape containment by jumping to xxxx's backup tank nearby Because of course you put the two tanks next to each other when you do something not stupid It was successful in jumping towards a backup tank However, no water was present in the tank because you know, why would you it's a backup tank? When dr. Scott whom was monitoring SCP xxxx at the time arrived at the room SCP xxx was still alive. It doesn't say was still alive. It just says was alive however xxxx dash two avoided dr. Scott a fish a little tiny fish out of water was unable to be picked up by a person and Had perished from dehydration What kind of sentence structure is that? No from dr. Taren after this instant backup tank was moved away and a great was installed. Oh boy. Yep You got a bunch of fish who cares. Let's just leave them in an open tank. Why the fuck not? And what's funny is this isn't reflected in the previous containment procedures It doesn't look like like the moving you know moving other tanks away and they're putting a grate above it So they can't jump out not in the containment procedures Also, I just remembered the fish shop must be the shop that they want to go to so it's like oh They want to go back to the shop, you know the shop the shop and then later on it's like so anyway They were found at a local fish shop incident 0506 2019 for dendem three during the 5th of June 2019 xxxx x dash five was upset with the rest of SCP xxxx and had attacked God there's a lot of had this and had that had attacked SCP xxxx four and provoking not provoked but provoking xxxx dash one and xxxx x dash three xxxx x dash four Had sustained major injuries and perished later perished great tone man xxxx x dash five also sustained minor injuries had been placed in a separate tank for a month It was kept in the separate tank until it had it had expired on July 9th and interestingly enough for this particular incident log They wrote the words for 5th of June and they wrote the words for July 9th like it's not numbers It's 5th and 9th 2019 alright, let's move on to the next one Oh, it's a test log test one 1507 2019 SCP xxxx tank had a not anomalous tiger bar place place inside it. I Am pretty sure they mean a non anomalous. Yeah, because of the yep xxxx dash one and xxxx dash three attack the tiger bar up to three minutes when they realized it couldn't talk. Yeah, so This this says SCP xxxx tank had an anomalous tiger bar placed place inside it I can keep wanting to correct it in my like speaking now not placed inside it place inside it When it should say SCP xxxx tank had a non anomalous tiger bar placed inside it All right. Yep, that happened Test to 19 070 2019 SCP xxxx tank had a goldfish placed inside it. Nope place inside it again. Yep. Still says place SCP xxxx dash one ignored it while SCP xxxx dash three Constantly annoyed it constantly annoyed it. I think probably means harassed Or like messed with it, but annoyed it. I don't know you're giving it human characteristics SCP xxxx dash three would later attack the goldfish, but we have no idea what happened to it because that's the end of the test log It got attacked I guess This three twenty seven twenty nineteen SCP xxxx's tank had five tiny shrimps placed inside of it. Oh Boy There's so many things wrong with that sentence SCP xxxx dash one ate them all before SCP xxxx three could look at one. Oh My god, these seem like they're written by a child And there's like flashes of like oh, yeah, this isn't a child riding it But like every once in a while. I'm like did a kid write this Test for twenty one of seven twenty nineteen SCP xxxx tank had D four three one three four fives Hand inside of it SCP xxxx dash three attached the hand when it first saw it the D class was instructed not to take it out until told so Dash three kept attacking it and dash one joined in later after five minutes The D class was allowed to take his hand out. No medical attention was required for him Okay, now what? Addendum five and this is very short on 12 10 2019 SCP xxxx dash one and later on 13 12 2019 SCP xxxx dash three perished the expiration had come from a small tumor in their brain SCP xxxx's tank was cleaned along with an autopsy wait hold on I'm gonna say this sentence the way it is written after SCP xxxx's tank was cleaned along with an autopsy of SCP xxxx dash three occurred That's the sentence Nothing notable was found inside SCP xxxx dash three Wow, okay So somebody wanted to tell a story about some fish and they did a real bad job about it This one doesn't make me angry so much as it makes me laugh because it's like why I mean, I guess Like I said, they wanted to create a story about talking fish Maybe they got fish of their own Whatever and they kind of wanted to give them a story But they know they can't write dialogue because looking at their writing. They're pretty And I mean they're doing alright. Looks like they could probably learn pretty quickly, but They've I don't know either way. I think this person has some potential, but Jesus. This is laughably bad Well, I mean maybe that's why they gave it to me either way I'm done with this shit you guys If you want to create a story about something you like or anything like this and it's not dangerous Go for it. I love these ideas. I love the idea of creating something that's not dangerous and trying to make an scp out of it But if you can't write Maybe work on that first take some basic english lessons Learn like creative writing courses and that kind of stuff just to get your feet underneath you with this kind of stuff because This looks like it was written by a child or at least somebody who is very young I would bet that there's a strong possibility either way Thank you very much for watching and I want to have a shout out to some of my newest Patreons, but you can see on the screen right now There's scp 4682 who just pledged 20 dollars and Andrew Trayon who just pledged five dollars Both of them have joined this list of patrons that is growing every day If you want to get a shout out of your own you just have to donate at any level And I will shout your name out in one of my weekday videos These people are the people that help make sure this channel stays afloat It's the kind of thing that makes me think that maybe I can actually do this long term. 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