 What time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show. Produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and Batty Malek's Arkansas. So, hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, what Abbott has, little Costello. We're doing our veritable station this morning. Well, my other time, we're off on his honeymoon, Abbott. He got married again, you know. Good for him. Yes, he got married to Boris and remarried all one day. He did. Yep. Ditch, ditch, and switch, all in 24 hours. Well, is Uncle Tom as he happy with his new bride, Lou? No, he spent a couple hundred dollars on a wedding and after the ceremony, she took off her four eyelashes, her four hair, her four teeth, and her four sleeves. And he spent a hundred dollars for the wedding. Yep, he wound up with ninety-nine dollars worth of parts and one dollar worth of girls. I'll never mind your Uncle Tom. Why don't you settle down, Lou, and get married? Oh, I want to marry yesterday Williams, but you won't marry me after I become a swimmer. How do you know? Well, every time I ask the man he's just going to go jump at a lake. I'm so mad. I'm going to take some wrapping paper and go over to Nancy's dress shop. You're going to take some wrapping paper over to Nancy's dress shop? I'm sick of these ties and they make pretty bows over there. Until I think I'm safe in saying you are a fifty-percent idiot. Have it. Why be happy? Oh, get them out of here. Before the boys get any further involved in nonsense, here's a thought that makes good sense. Kids, here's the next special way to enjoy yourselves every Saturday morning. Just gather around that radio and listen to the Abbot and Castello kids show. Here's the show that was designed just for you with those famous comedians, Abbot and Castello up to all sorts of hilarious goings on. Abbot and Castello conduct a whole bunch of contests on their Saturday morning fun fest. Why not see if you can outguess the contestants? In addition to this, you'll hear from many of your favorite stars of spade, screen, and radio. And here is the biggest feature of all. Each week, there'll be an extra special award consisting of a gold-mounted trophy, radios, bicycles, and sporting equipment, which will go to the Boyard girl who has performed the most heroic deed of the week. It sounds like a lot of excitement, doesn't it? Well, it really is. Every Saturday morning when the Abbot and Castello kids show gets underway, it means prizes and surprises galore. So be it your radio Saturday morning when the Abbot and Castello kids show is heard over most of the same ABC stations. And now, back to ABC's Abbot and Castello show. Oh, I'd cut that out, Castello. Put down that carrot. The idea of eating carrots in the studio. The doctor told me to eat carrots for my eyes. My eyes have been brought on me, and I've been eating carrots for breakfast, carrots for lunch, and carrots for dinner. Now I can see 12 in the dark. From eating carrots? No, I bought myself a flashlight. Hey, look, I understand that your club gave me a party for you last night. Yes, all the fellas were there. At 12 o'clock, they bought a great big cake, 7 feet high. I could open a 6,000 baby suit, jumped out and hugged me and kissed him. Must have been wonderful. Oh, I don't know. I think that's better. All right. Oh, Bobby. Bobby, which one of you gentlemen is Luke Castello? I'm Luke Castello. Are you the Luke Castello who lives at 4491 Long Ridge Avenue? Yes, I am. Well, thank goodness I found you in time. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the idea of ripping my shit? Well, I'm from the Vandalandry, and we forgot to tear that this morning. Well, that was habitat, you folks. He said to be a doctor, but by being on this program, he's saving lots of lives. What do you mean? Well, he's quickly practicing medicine. Now, you lay off Norman. He's a very talented boy. He's also a great singer. Yes, he sings in all the backyards in my neighborhood. People throw money at him. The other night, he was out in the yard singing, and two guys tried to take the money away from him. Why do you yell for help? He did. Everybody thought that he was singing a nonchorus. Well, you talk sense. Norman was a great singer. He's got his opera. He's been the last 15 years on house. Norman spent 15 years on house? Mm-hmm. And why have you been lying to me, Abbott? What do you mean lying to you? For the last 15 years, you've been telling me that who was on house and what was on... Ah, now, now. Now, don't be silly. You don't know the first thing about music. You don't even know how many... How many kinds of notes there are. Well, yes, I do. All right. Name the different notes. Well, there's wall notes, key notes, cougar notes, cashew notes. I didn't talk to you about musical notes. For instance, how many notes do you find in a bar? How many notes do I find in a bar? That's right. Come on, mother, let me go in your own place. A bar is a measure of music. And every bar gives you a full measure. What? Every bar gives you a full measure. Not in efforts backstage bar, they don't. That is the home of short fears. Ah, now, never mind that, Casdell. In order to be a singer, you must be able to read notes. Matty Malley, please. Will you have me a sheet of music? Thanks. Now, Casdell, tell me. You didn't hand you nothing. All right, all right. Now, look closely. What do you think was dope in the radio? All right, Matty Malley, hand me a sheet of music. Now, it says on the paper, you didn't give me a nothing. Now, Casdell, tell me what you see on that sheet of music. Not until you get the sheet of music from Matty Malley. All right, tell me what you see on that sheet of music. Fine. Now, tell me, tell me what you see on that sheet of paper. Um, look, I see a bunch of flies sitting on a fence. No. Those are flies, those are roses. Matty Malley, Matty Malley wrote this music. You write it in bars? Uh, personally, Matty wrote this, she wrote this song in 32 bars. 32 bars, she wrote the music. I wonder if this music is so staggering. No, no, Casdell, I should know better than to write music in bars. Why don't you do it, cut it up at home like other musicians? No, wait a minute, Casdell. Matty Malley wrote this great song. I was with Matty last night when he wrote a song in four flats. In four flats? Yeah, certainly. You guys should get around, don't you? No, no, no, you're gonna get four flats and the key in the song is written. Matty used the key of four flats. Matty Malley has the key to four flats? That's right. Does his wife know about this? Yeah. When I say Matty wrote a song in four flats, I don't mean the kind of flats you live in. I mean the kind of flats you play in. And the number of flats gives you the key. And Matty's key is four flats or eight flats. Oh, you mean the flats that Matty plays and the kind of flats you live in because the key is the flat he plays in the four flats and the flat he lives in has nothing to do with the other four flats? No, you've got it. No, I've got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about! You have a lot of nerve discussing his stuff with me. Why, I have to be an opera star. I'll never forget my first concert in Carnegie Hall. The house was packed with mink and ermas. You was? I wish there had been some people there. What did you say? An old western ballad that I wrote myself entitled Who Stilled the Beer on a Soul or Home on the Rain? I love you such a good singer. Why don't you sing something right now? Okay, I will. A lady married when you get up She said, Mother, I'm not able Her mother said, You've got to get up We need to speak for the table. Castella, that was horrible. Yeah, Castella. If you really want to sing on this program, why don't you take some lessons? Now, my piano player is a great vocalist. Come on over here, Herbert. Just a minute, just a minute. Just a minute, Malik. This guy is a vocalist. Yes, I am, Castello. When I get through teaching you singing, you'll never forget me either. You, I'll be the light of your life. I'll be the light of your soul. Put on your hat, the light is shining in my face. You trying to insinuate the forbid is bald. This guy wasn't born. He was hatched. I never mind, Herbert. You think you can teach Castello how to sing? I should be able to. I taught Lassie how to sing. Lassie was a girl. You're a human. Now, for the first lesson, just remember, the voice you've got to be brought up from the diaphragm. You know where your diaphragm is? I have more than one of those things to tell you. No. When you pay attention, I'm gonna teach you now. Your voice must be brought up from the diaphragm through the larynx up here. Now, down here is your diaphragm. I'll follow me. I place my hand down here on your diaphragm. You got it? Then I move it up to your larynx. Up here. See, through the esophagus. Then my hand goes up and down. Larynx, diaphragm, esophagus. Esophagus, larynx, diaphragm. Larynx, diaphragm, esophagus. What's the matter? What are you laughing about? Are you sickly? All around the frying pan. The diaphragm. Now, you've got to fill your phone with an idea of the good boy. Now, tell her you have an idea of the good boy. You've got a good voice, but you've got to bring it out. You've got to have full-ground tone. Now, I want you to sing about O and E together, like O-E, O-E, come on. O-E. Come on. O-E. No, no, faster. O-E, O-E, O-E. Faster. O-E, O-E, O-E. O-E, O-E, O-E. O-E, O-E, O-E, O-E, O-E. O-E, O-E, O-E. O-E, O-E, O-E. How long do I have to do that? Let's keep it up till the rest of the pitch gets up with you. Now, come on. Stop stalling now. Come on. Bring out the voice. Sing. Come on, sing. Come on, bring it out. Come on, bring it out. Bring out the voice. Bring it out. Bring out your voice. Go ahead, bring out your voice. Give your hands away enough. Bring it up. You don't breathe right. Come on, inhale. Inhale. What? I'd like to see you inhale. I'd like to see you inhale with my hand over your mouth. No, no, no. Look, I want you to breathe for me. Come on. I've had that trouble breathing for myself. Don't you understand? I'm trying to develop your voice. It's very simple. Remember the ancient Greek philosopher you read history and books? The ancient Greeks, they used to sing. They developed their voice. They put pebbles in their mouth like the moslees. Remember? They put pebbles in their mouth. The great orator. Now, we don't have pebbles, but I have some crackers here. Now, look. You see? We'll stay through the crackers. You put the crackers in your mouth like this. See? Now, watch me. Right through the crack. What? We'll blow the crackers like my porch. All right. Now, you go ahead. Do you want me to say... I want you to say through the crack. Do you want me to say that you have to put crackers in my mouth? That's right. Okay, butter. That's it. Now, chew them up nice. I'm going to chew them up really well. Don't worry about it. That's right. Now, you got that. I'll say it. I've done enough for what now, man. Go ahead. Now, chew them up nice. That's it. So, what my mama thought... Would your mother talk to you? Go ahead. Let me see it. Well, well, I'll get the money. What did your mother do to you? I looked at what my mama said to me. And that's only half of on both just as many were asked yet because. But first, listen to this. Friends, is this the mental picture you'll have of the western part of our country? Great measures were captured growing wildly. Beautiful sunset, wide ranges, the howl of coyotes, men riding the range on handsome seas. Well, that mental picture is right in focus. But, if you think of the brawling street fights men walking about with six shooters and handle bar mustachioed rough-riding desperadoes, you're dreaming of the old west. Today's west is new, modern. Even its methods of capturing its criminals is strictly 20th century as the carrot shawl proves every Friday night over most of these same ABC stations. Yes, the carrot, March Chase, is a modern truth and modern, everyday dress. And he uses scientific methods to track down those who break the law. Even the lawbreakers of the west today are the modern sleep crooks and murderers you'll find in any big city, east or west. So for 30 minutes of wonderful western adventure don't miss herring the carrot shawl when it's on the air tomorrow night over most of these same ABC stations. And now back to ABC's Abbot and Castello show. Hurry up, Castello. We're on in just a second. That's right, Abbot, but here's a small grace to show off Susan Miller. Let's get her to sing a song. Okay, Castello. Ladies and gentlemen, here's our singing star, Susan Miller, with the music of Maddie Mellon. In the town and country cars that were parked out in front of your Santa Claus He came a long way He broke a lot of hearts to see I've met a gang of gloomy girls who would be at all right to this home of a singer He flew in from the middle west and heard an inspiration hear about Well, baby, I got from Maddie I got my dad got him driving by the wayside I've seen it I ain't gonna know a long way from St. Louis But baby, you've got a long way to go You've got you've got a long way to go Castello, come back here into the studio. What are you doing out there in the alley fighting with all those kids? I already ate my four rabbits. I just have to do a myself double to take the series on a year. I've become so famous that I have to fight with the kids of my autograph. Who's who? Were you fighting with those kids They don't want to take it. They don't want to take it. What case are you going to do with your Sam's double to take the series on? It's one of my most famous cases. I call it the fish market murder or they kill him just for the hollaby. The makers of Grapple Shaving Cream presents Sam's Double Private Detectives Grapple does a way with shaving all together. No brush, no ladders. Just flop Grapple Shaving Cream on your face. Your whiskers draw inside your mouth and you can fight them off. Scientific laboratory tests prove that more doctors smoke Grapple than any other shaving cream. Men, enter the Grapple Shaving Cream $50,000 cash prize contest. It's called Dark The Music. Here's all you have to do. Get a 35 piece orchestra together in your home. Have them start playing. And if we call you and we guess what they're playing, you send us $50,000. And now to the adventures of Sam's Double Private Detectives. Yes, I'm Sam Shubble. Sam Shubble Private Detective. People ask me how I became a detective. I guess it came natural. I've always liked to follow people. When I was a kid, I always followed girls. I don't know why I did it. Now I'm growing up and it's different. I know why I did it. Things are quiet in my little office, so I decided to brush my teeth. I remember my dentist advice. Brush the back of your teeth. So I brushed the back of my teeth the hard way, the hard way. I kicked the toothbrush through my ear. I walk over to the pencil shop and I'm on the wall and start turning the handle. I realize I have forgotten something. Taking my long pointy finger out of the sharpener. I go to my desk to get a pencil. It's mighty warm in my little office. I'm first firing, so I mop my brow, putting the mop back in the bucket. I realize it's time for lunch. I take a Charlotte root out of my lunchbox. I just finish the root, settle down to enjoying Charlotte. Then the phone rang. My name is Bulldog Grumman. It's Sam Shubble. Oh, change your name. It's Granite 9903. Oh, change your number, ain't Bulldog. No, it's in the star building. I don't wear a long red underwear. Times like this, that was my father, Lieutenant Abbott of the home of Scythe Broadwood here. Brush my teeth too hard. Lieutenant Abbott is the cop who saw the famous Hollywood Jewel robbery case. He saw this the hard way. The hard way. Hello, Sam, general. It's my buddy, Lieutenant Abbott. I think he's worried. He's wrinkling his brow and spilling up his face. You don't have to wrinkle his brow. It's safe to screw it up the way it is. Sam, this is the filthiest looking office I've ever seen. What is that lump laying on the floor in that corner? That's a man. He's been lying on the floor in that corner for five days. I think he's dead. What makes you think he's dead? When I cut them, you don't wiggle. Sam, who is that beautiful girl in that picture on your desk? Lieutenant, that gorgeous creature is a Pasadena society girl. I remember the day I met her. I could tell she was another regret. She had classy breathing. Bowing low, I thought we sent to her. Agar? What did she say? Thanks. I'll smoke it after dinner. Look, Sam, somebody threw rocks through the window. I'll examine the window. This is worse than I thought. What is it? The window is broken on both sides. Look, Sam, Sam, what does it not say? It says that you two guys will start traveling right away. Who's the time-by? That's the pay railroad. Sam, shovel. I looked up. The most beautiful girl I'd ever seen was standing in the doorway. I spoke. Yes. I'm Sam. Shovel? Sam shovel. You took my father up the river. You took my uncle up the river. You took my brother up the river. Oh, what? Sam, have you still got your canoe? Over to her. Papa, if you come one step closer to me, I'll let you have it. Honey, I've got a good mind to let you give it to me. Sam, you're a brave detective. Come to my arms, Sam. I'll give you a kiss that'll make your head spin. Sam, is there anything I can do for you? Call my mother and tell her that swirling Sam won't be home for dinner. And over this time, Liz, why have you come to Sam's shovel shop? There are two mugs who are trying to kill me. I live at a big house all alone. And I want to use Sam's shovel to drag me. Sam, you can stay in the garage and drag me while I'm in the house. I'll take the case. Sam, you idiot. Can't you realize it's those two mugs trying to do in the garage? They're liable to you. They find me in the garage. I deserve to get killed. Lieutenant Abbott talked me out of handling the case of millions of magnificent murders. I'm alone again in my little detective office. I glance at the headlines in the paper. Three troops wanted in Los Angeles. I thought they had enough troops in Los Angeles. I get all kinds of cases in the detective office. Last week I investigated the case of Michael Maher at the bank. He committed suicide. He was sitting at his desk and suddenly he dived out of the window. His secretary was killed too. It happened so fast he didn't have time to get off his lap. Sam, I got here just in time. I found this guy hanging around outside of your office. Hey. All right. I'll tell you what, you guys. Put up your hands, copper. This time I've got you. Better do as you say, sir. He's desperate. Listen, you guys. I'm going to give you guys something that's been coming to you for a long time. You've been trying to suck it. But now I'm going to see that you get it. Well, you got us cornered. Go ahead and give it to us. Not shallow have their final twist. We'll bring you one more thought on this stuff. The days of the glorified gangster over to the mess of the glamour of crime has been punctured to show not only that crime doesn't pay, but it's also a pretty unhappy and drab existence for anyone. No program proves this better than this is your FBI. Each official Friday night program shows how determinedly agents of the FBI start out to get their man on watch. At first, might be an unbreakable case. Recently, FBI men have been visiting towns throughout America, talking to groups of teenagers. These meetings, designed to combat given our delinquency, have created interest and enthusiasm along their useful path. At each one, a number of the FBI explains the working of the organization. A behind-the-scenes FBI movie is shown. Firearms are demonstrated. And for the dramatic story of the country's outstanding crime-breaking group, here, this is your FBI Friday night when it's on the air over most of the same ADC system. And now, back for a final word from ADC's Abbot and past double-jaw. You ought to give up trying to be a detective. You wouldn't know how a detective would solve one. Oh, no. Well, how about that scene that man needs to get the clock back in? He's got all the women he's sent to serve a person with the money. Double-pride is this human who doesn't need money. That guy is all a little stubborn. You think I ought to get back the money? Oh, good night. Remember, the Abbot and past double-jaw is heard weekly on Thursday nights now. So listen again next Thursday evening for another great Abbot and past double-jaw produced and transcribed in Hollywood by Charles Vance. So good night for now for our...