 Hello everybody Today we are going to delve deeper into the relationship cycle with the narcissist What makes him tick? What makes you tick? And what makes both of you tick and talk? And so the first thing which is critical to understand is that as far as the narcissist is concerned giving especially material giving Equals love and love and titles him to abuse you The narcissist grew up in a household Where love Equaled abuse love led to abuse Actually abuse was the only form of attention and abuse was proof of Being noticed of being seen Abuse was caring. It's like we say sharing is caring in a narcissistic household Abusing is caring if you abuse someone means you care about If you abuse someone means you love them It means that they mean something to you. It renders the relationship meaningful So giving equals love equals abuse and giving which is a way of showing love Demonstrating love giving and titles the narcissist so he feels to abuse But it's a two-way street The narcissist feels That it's okay to abuse him when he is the recipient of largesse in other words the narcissist thinks that Giving and titles to abuse both ways When he gives you when he gives you material goods when he gives you a home when he gives you children When he gives you attention when he gives you anything Concomitantly he had acquired the right to abuse you but similarly when you had given him anything when you had given him attention and care and empathy anything love sex The minute you had given him something you in his mind had acquired the right to abuse him Actually, he fully expects abuse to follow the act of giving because remember giving is love and in his childhood Love always came with abusive conduct love was always traumatic Also remember that abuses many forms and facets So we are not talking about classical physical abuse only sexual abuse But we're talking about all forms of abuse when the child is not allowed to develop His or her own boundaries and the child is not allowed to separate from the parent to individuate child is instrumentalized Identify all these are forms of abuse the narcissist grew up Learning to associate indelibly and inextricably Bad behavior misconduct abuse trauma pain pain hurt with love and Then he made He created in his mind the erroneous equation to love is to abuse and to give is to love so to give Entitles you to abuse and if you receive you should automatically expect to be abused I Said in previous videos that when women cheat on the narcissist when they abandon the narcissist when they replace the narcissist with others It ends up Recreating the trauma that the narcissist had with his mother and it results in Modification, it's not the same with men When men replace the narcissist as an advisor as a collaborator is a business partner When the narcissist's clients or stakeholders suppliers customers of both sexes replace him dump him as An advisor as a guru as a service provider all these cause narcissistic injury These are all painful painful events and painful transitions no question about The narcissist's grandiosity is challenge. He's self-image is perfect is omnipotent is ruin devastated by such Abandonment desertion and betrayal as he perceives it but when when he is abandoned and betrayed and replaced and substituted for by men in very well-defined functions This causes him pain it causes him hurt it causes him to rage I mean Makes him rage narcissistic rage is a reaction to narcissistic injury or narcissistic wound But that's where more or less it ends It's not the same when women cheat on him and abandon you At that point There's modification and there's modification because it recreates Early childhood conflicts, especially with a maternal figure. So when women replace the narcissist as a man As a lover as a husband It causes modification and only women possess this power men can't do this to the narcissist I'm talking about a heterosexual Narcissist. There's a deeper reason for this The narcissist interacts with women in two roles as a child and as a father on the one hand is a delightful or Obnoxious British child and the other is a disciplinarian harsh Stern and demanding father. These are the only two roles. He knows the narcissist doesn't know to be a man Because his gender differentiation the process by which we acquire gender roles Has been disrupted early on His identity is malformed ill-formed not not complete In a crucial part of one's identity is one's gender And so the narcissist is genderless. He has no gender what he does instead He imitates he emulates other roles that he had seen He knows how to be a child because he used to be a child and because he had observed children So he plays the child He knows how to be a father because in all probability he had he had a very very harsh demanding strict Disciplinarian and possibly physically abusive father. So this he knows how to do and he does this He knows how to be a narcissist Because usually one of his parents is narcissistic or selfish or emotionally absent or depressive or What what green called the dead mother? So he knows how to do this So when he approaches a woman when he teams up with a woman when he starts a relationship with a woman the heterosexual narcissists Immediately is cast in one of two roles one of two functions as her child or his as her father So when women reject the narcissists It is it it re-creates The dynamic the family dynamic of a dead mother Mother who abandons him maternal abandonment When a woman rejects the narcissists betrays the narcissists Abundance the narcissists They are doing this as a mother would reject her child as The narcissist mother had rejected and abandoned him. It's a recreation. It's a re-enactment. It's a deja vu it's retraumatization and So it's a flashback in a way an extended extended flashback like in PTSD in post-traumatic stress disorder The narcissist perceives And Such be misbehavior if if his woman cheats on him if she Abandons him she betrays him in any way if she obscends herself and withdraws He perceives all this as a mother doing it to her son He feels rejected as a child and would not as an adult would but there's a child would and when women prefer other men to him When his spouse or his girlfriend or whoever dumps him Abundance him and cheats on him. In other words prefers another man to him He perceives it as having adopted another child to take his place It's like his mother had adopted another child and this child replaces him substitutes for him Now this is a life-threatening thing It's about survival Because if a baby is abandoned by mommy If a child is ignored is not seen is not noticed If no one takes care of the needs of the child This child dies Children don't have their were withal the capacities and the skill sets to survive without adults So if mommy cheats on me if mommy Abandons me if mommy betrays me and if mommy goes with another man Especially if she does it ostentatiously so that I see it and I witness it. I can't ignore it That's life-threatening. That's about survival Because it's it's a mother abandoning her child. It's exactly like the narcissist original mother Birth mother had abandoned him and even then he felt he had felt life-threatened He had felt that his survival is at stake is at stake and such such misconduct or such behavior by the woman reaffirms and Confirms to the narcissist his essential unlovability The narcissist had been taught as a child to consider himself inadequate somehow deformed and defective unworthy Definitely unworthy of unconditional love bad a failing object The narcissist garnered love Received love as a child only when he had met certain performance criteria That's why in his mind giving is associated with love is associated with abuse Because to receive his mother's love or parental love more generally The narcissist had to give as a child. He had to give something. He had to perform He had to he had to meet some criteria Good marks at school or you know reciting a poem or just being cute He had to meet these criteria He had to do things. He had to give things. Otherwise, he did not receive love and so When as an adult his intimate partner abandons him cheats on him betrays him etc. etc He says to himself. Well Actually, she's right My mother also Broadcast to me when I was a child that I'm not lovable as I am That I'm somehow unworthy of love inadequate. So it amplifies this very pernicious and self-destructive message when women swap the narcissist for a substitute men and Especially if they do it conspicuously overtly openly in front of him Or when they inform the narcissist about their cheating in detail. Yes, there's also this Women call the narcissist and tell him what they're done Well, then it becomes impossible to interpret their behavior in any other way The narcissist is caged is caged into a hermeneutic space space of explanatory space and his entire childhood and Frankly many of his adult experiences because narcissists keep experiencing loss all the time Narcissists go through multiple breakups Narcissists are cheated on Betrayed abandoned repeatedly And for good reason they're abusive, but still this is their experience So they have this explanatory space and they fit they reframe everything to fit this space and this space says As I am no one can love me To be loved I need to give but then if I give I resent it and I have the right to abuse Because this this is the cost the cost of my giving the cost of my love is the right to abuse and Vice versa if I get anything if someone gives me something they have a right to abuse me It goes without saying and then if they abandon me If they cheat on me if they betray me if they replace me with some substitute That only serves to prove that I had been right. I have been right one. I'm not lovable to everything is transactional The narcissists as I said in previous video Refrains Women's rejection and cheating and betrayal as total It's in a way Women reject his totality his entire being and in every possible role that he knows how to play As a child as a lover as a companion as a guru as a husband as a father even as a provider The narcissists doesn't know how to be a man He the narcissists can be charming Can be fascinating can be amazing can be captivating can be hypnotic Can be irresistible But if you dig deeper if you are true to yourself and honest You will see that you were attracted to the narcissist Not really as a man But within a shared fantasy and within the shared fantasy within this fantastic space The narcissists play the role of a house of our father A father and later your child these are powerful roles The reason resonate with every woman Every woman has daddy issues and every man has mommy issues Freud discovered it 120 years ago So the narcissist resonates with your daddy issues and Then when he has insinuated himself into your life when he has invaded your space when he has taken over you When he had consumed you like a body snatcher or a mind snatcher He then suddenly transforms and becomes a child and this is an even more powerful trigger It triggers your maternal instincts Will come to it in a few minutes These dual roles are full Are as potent as powerful as the role of a man So even though the narcissist doesn't know how to be a man He knows He knows how to bond with you. He knows how to get you attached to him He knows even how to make you addicted to his presence Because he plays the double role of father and child and these are very critical But why does the narcissist feel that he is the rejected party? If he is the one doing all the rejections rejecting to start with It is the narcissist who starts Narcissist who boots up the cycle of abuse the first acts of condescension mockery derision aggression humiliation degradation Defiling sexual and otherwise these first acts They are all the narcissist The narcissist starts this The narcissist introduces maltreatment mistreatment into the relationship. He's the one. He's the first one He's the initiator. He's the first mover He he at first rejects you It takes a lot of rejection and humiliation a lot of torment and taunting and teasing and torture To push you away to the point that you betray the narcissist or abandon him or cheat on him And the narcissist is fully invested Emotionally and as far as resources in pushing you away so if the narcissist Is at the crux of all this if the narcissist is the pivot If he is the heart of the hurricane and the vortex If he does the rejection and the humiliation and the abuse Why does he feel that he had been rejected? Why when you finally do go away when you finally do abandoning when you do betray him as easy is it and The few of you who do cheat on him When you do all this why does he perceive it as misconduct? Why does he consider all this to have been misbehaviors? Why don't you why doesn't say I don't deserve any of this? Is he is insane? Is he that dissociative? Doesn't he remember that he is the one to have put you through a grinder. He is the one who has molested you Hurt you caused you in insufferable pain Led you inexorably to the edge of insanity that doesn't he realize all this Well, he does But as usual for a narcissist He reframes and reinterprets a lot The narcissist believes that there is a qualitative difference between his rejection and your rejection His rejection of you when he rejects you. It's only a test It's posturing. It's not serious. It's a bluff. It's of a son, baby. I Didn't mean it. Sorry. You know me. I'm like that temper can control drunk too drunk too much Let's forget it. Let's put it behind us. Why do you hold grudges? Why can't you forget? Why can't you forgive? Why do you ruminate? So as far as analysis is concerned His rejection is a trifle It's circumstantial. It's incidental. It's tangential It's not not serious It's not profound It's nothing to get excited in a rounds about It's nothing to get worked over. It's definitely nothing to hold in memory and And so the narcissist is shocked That you should consider his abuse to be meaningful to be foundational To be irreversible to be something that you know traumatized. It is absolutely short He he perceives his own abuse as Kind of Jocular Jocular misbehavior that is out of his control Kind of you know, I can't help it The etiology is different The motivation is different between his abuse and your abuse He thinks that his rejection of you when he humiliates you when he insults you when he berates you even in public Is he thinks this is tentative intermittent Anyhow, it's targeted. It's a specific issue and it's Prospective he's testing you He's asking you via his abuse. His abuse is a way of asking Will you will my needs be met by you? Will you meet my needs? Am I too crippled to invalid to be worthy of your investment your commitment your unconditional love? It's pushing you to the limit to say work to see where is the limit? He's thinking outside the box out of the envelope He he's taking you He's taking you by the hand to Regions of the earth regions of your relationships areas of your relationships spaces within your relationships that you never knew existed that are harrowing and horrifying and hugely hurtful Even traumatizing and he is doing all this he does all this because he just wants to see how far can you go and Not abandoning. Are you truly? Good enough mother material or are you like all of them all the other women in his life starting with his mother? Essentially emotionally absent dead. You will not submit his needs. You will abandon him betray him cheat on him, etc He's testing you so in his mind His abuse is not the same like your abuse. His rejection is of different matter Made up of different a different fabric Your rejection is not his rejection If you cheat on him is not the same like if he cheats on you If he if you humiliate him is not the same It's everything you do Has a different motivation Different a theology different causation different reasoning and different outcomes What he does may look on the surface Equal same similar to what you do, but what you do is much more meaningful much more weighty Your rejection is final is total and your rejection is Retroactive because you say the whole relationship sucks my needs have not been met You the narcissist. You're not worth wasting time on So while his abuse and rejection are pinpointed pre-pointed shall I say testing and Not very serious. Definitely not to be taken seriously. Your abuse is earth shatter it Devastating destructive final total horrible Mortify in short There's no equivalency or symmetry between between the narcissist rejection of you and your rejection of the narcissist The narcissist rejects you as a child would reject his mother It's a harmless Though unpleasant temper tantrum coupled with understandable sexlessness because you are his mother cerebral narcissists rarely cheat actually They do not replace Their intimate partner with another and they also rarely harm their intimate partners They are cerebral narcissists are much more reticent the schizoid that we draw They hurt and they cause pain with their withholding and with their absence But even somatic narcissists both types of narcissists reject Reject you as a child would reject a mother now a mother wouldn't take a child rejection seriously She would overcome it and she would continue to love the child the same Nothing will change in her emotions in her commitment to the child in her love for the child in in Satisfy in her urge to satisfy the child to meet the child's needs and to care for the child Nothing will change because the child had rejected her or even abused her children abuse Children reject children cause pain. You don't dump them. You don't abandon them. You don't cheat on them You don't replace them with other children the narcissist loves you as a child and you reject him as a mother and So your rejection is life-threatening It's her harrowing. It's hurtful. It's it's It's something the narcissist cannot process He perceives it as betrayal and his replacement with other men He perceives as absolutely a death a death sentence a death warrant So while the narcissist considers his abuse To be the equivalent of shooting a revolver in the air Your views is detonating a nuclear device Your response is a nuclear option. It's totally disproportionate to the narcissist provocations as he sees them You are reacting to the breakdown and the dysfunction of the idealized version of the narcissist not to the narcissist himself You are reacting to your broken dreams to your frustrated fantasies to your thwarted wishes and the narcissist bears the brunt of This dissonance of this heartbreak The narcissist says why do I have to pay for your heartbreak? Why do I have to pay because you were deluded and and lived in fantasy or expected too much? Why do I have to pay the price for your lack of reality testing impaired perception of reality? Never mind that he's the one He is the one who had created the fantastic Psychotic space which you now inhabit. He doesn't see his role in this He doesn't see his responsibility and he is modified because during the grooming and the love-bombing at the honeymoon phase He colluded with you in conjuring up and idealize him an idealized version of him and Then later he came to believe in this idealized version as both of you had entered the shared fantasy Your abrupt your cruel exit abandonment forces him to wake up and Contrast the idealized embraced beloved version of him and the real rejected abandoned him the Nazis he suddenly faces the fact that The idealized version of him The story you had bought both constructed as to who he is. It's fake. It's unreal. It's not true And the real version of him who he really is is not worthy of love is worthy only of rejection We're the only of betrayal We're the only of cheating We're only of abandoning abandoning. So it rears reaffirms to him his own Miserableness The waste the wasteland that is his life and his leg essential leg of Loveliness and he feels deceived and he feels bitter Because early on in the shared fantasy he had exposed to you the child He actually used the child to lure you to lure you in He introduced you to to his inner child introduced you to the child Because he had hoped that you will fall in love with a child and this will establish Object constancy you will never abandon him. It was intended to forestall abandonment He wanted you to bond with him as a mother bonds with a child mothers never abandoned their children women Abandoned their men spouses about abandoned their Wives about abandoned their husbands, but mothers never abandoned children So he presented to you the child and he made you fall in love with the child and he made you he made you want to To protect the child and to care for the child and there was this guarantee against being abandoned and cheated on and betrayed and Then he didn't work and he feels very very hurt very bitter very deceived very angry Why he asked himself? She knew I'm I was she knew I were a child. Why why did she why did she she choose to ignore to ignore it Why didn't she tell me from the very beginning? Sorry, you know your child and I want to be with you He thought the Nazis he thought That his child Role his child function was an integral an essential part of the deal that he had struck with his intimate partner with his counterpart when When his intimate partner cheats on him betrays him Abundance him they do it. They're doing it to the child and They're breaking contract because the Nazis feels that he had a contract with his intimate partner narcissists grew up in a Transactional home where everything is a contract give and take business And he feels he doesn't deserve it And plus the child is sick is narcissistic Or mentally ill And it renders the abandonment and the betrayal of the child Even more egregious Even more cruel and heartless I mean How can you abandon a mentally ill? Mentally ill child who needs you so much Who so critically depends on you? To for the regulation of his internal environment Who can't essentially exist without you in the fullest sense of the world To do this You must be very heartless and cruel and disempathic and sadistic. It's of course a projection The narcissist is projecting his own traits during the grooming phase Actually, the narcissist Trots out the father During the grooming phase the narcissist is much more likely to show you the father The father aspect the father role or the father function The facade of the father Uh He homes in he zeroes in and he picks usually women Who have daddy issues? Issues with their original fathers an absent father a bad father an incestuous father um Molesting father an evil father Etc issue daddy issues. So he homes in on a woman with daddy issues and then He presents his father His father wrong. You know, he becomes he becomes her father He becomes supportive sage wise With vast experience a guru with all the answers with all the solutions Um can do I will take care of it kind of guy Leave it to me. Everything will be okay. You can rest finally put your head on my shoulder I have the father you've always been looking for So this is the during the grooming and love bombing phase and he allows The target He allows the prospective intimate partner or prospective social supply To construct her idealized version of him around the father So the idealized version of a narcissist in the love bombing and grooming phase is usually paternal paternal or at the very least a vantula And he colludes in this process in order to transition as smooth as smoothly and as seamlessly as possible To the shirt fantasy. So he encourages He encourages the intimate partner to consider him in parent in paternal roles and parental roles In other words, the narcissist parentifies himself. This is something he knows to do well because When he was growing up in his early childhood in a dysfunctional home He was always forced to parentify one way or the other. He had to parent himself And very often he had to parent the One of the one of the parents the selfish narcissistic parent So he knows how to parentify so he parentifies himself and he allows The intimate partner to construct a whole idealized fantasy Around this parentified figure a parent substitute But then the shared fantasy starts there The narcissist and his intimate partner are both in the shared fantasy and the minute it starts a very Disconcerting startling transition occurs The narcissist transitions from a father figure to a child figure It is a shocking he reveals the child kind of He allows himself to be a child because he feels that he had acquired The intimate partner he owns the intimate partner. He possesses her. She is unlikely to abandon He he has a modicum of object constancy now feels safe enough To to to stop being the father and start being the child And it is a shocking revelation to the woman It causes her reason it causes her resentment The woman feels that she had been deceived I mean she had bargained for a father and she ended up with a child The child narcissistic abuse What I call narcissistic abuse type one And is coupled usually with sex sexlessness So the child begins to abuse her That is narcissistic abuse type one and also The sex stops Because the child cannot sleep with his mother The incestuous undertones and overtones Sort of tamp down the sex until the point where both parties are sex averse So But the woman interprets the narcissistic abuse and the sexlessness as a humiliating rejection As withholding as abandonment Because She She can't fully digest and accept That the man she had chosen the man she had idealized so much as a father is actually a kid A child and therefore incapable of sex and very likely to throw temper tantrums and to be a spoiled brat She can't reconceive of his narcissistic abuse as bratishness as Bad behavior of a kid And she can't reconceive of the sexlessness as a child's sexlessness And in her mind, there's still this lingering idealized father view And so it's again a rejection by a father figure She's again being rejected by a father and again with very very strong sexual overtones In this case sexlessness But very pronounced sexlessness And so she withdraws She withdraws And she and some women also cheat They withdraw and they cheat Other another group of women try to bargain the child away Try to replace the child with the idealized version that had existed during the grooming and the love bombing And so the women who withdraw And some of them cheat They remain in their relationship But they grow distant and detached and resentful And in turn they become abusive They adopt actually narcissistic and psychopathic behaviors They are in the throes of complex post-traumatic stress disorder in the throes of complex trauma The women who try to bargain They are subjected to narcissistic abuse type 2 Narcissistic abuse type 2 is adult not child and it's carried out by the father When women try to bargain in the relationship to get get rid of the child The narcissist reverts from child back to father Back to father and he becomes an adult But a bad kind of adult he becomes disciplinarian harsh strict tough love kind of father And he reverts to the idealized version of himself as the woman had wanted The essence of the bargaining is please stop being a child Can you go back to being a father an idealized father and the narcissist complies He goes back to being an idealized father figure But this is coupled with narcissistic abuse type 2 and sexlessness Because fathers don't sleep with their daughters And this confluence is even more traumatic and hurtful There is no way to survive in a relationship with a narcissist within the shared fantasy Without coming across the child or the father and both the child and the father Cause enormous anguish Normals pain and women just want to run away They want to avoid the pain at any cost. They would do anything to to dull the pain to dull the agony And so some of them act out They cheat. They become alcoholic. They consume drugs Others just withdraw become totally absent physically emotionally drown themselves in work with the children Otherwise some of them try to bargain and then they're subjected to even more horrendous abuse It's it's a no-win situation And ironically Those women who cheat they feel legitimized by the narcissist The narcissist self-assumed due and wrong Made it easier and safer for these women to cheat on the narcissist in the first place I want to explain how The father role Makes it feel safe for women to misbehave If you are With an intimate partner And you are her father She would feel legitimized to have other men because First of all, you're a father You're not entitled to expect sex let alone sexual exclusivity from her And second thing they expect unconditional acceptance From the father figure regardless of their misconduct regardless of how egregiously they misbehave And When they interact with the father or with the child It makes it difficult for them to perceive their actions as cheating or betrayal Because you see one cannot cheat on a child One cannot cheat on a father I mean both of them child and father wouldn't mind wouldn't care So There is on the one hand When she find when the when the intimate narcissist intimate partner Finds herself trapped in the shirt fantasy with a child and with a father and I mean she feels that she had lost Everything that normally unites a man and a woman All this subterranean subliminal subtle flaw Of energy if you wish sexual energy probably between men and women She doesn't feel in other words that she's with a man She feels what I call as a virtual single She feels single again At home. She has a father At home. She has a child, but she doesn't have a man She doesn't interact with this adult as a man She doesn't get men vibes from him She doesn't have he doesn't give her sex He's not passionate. He doesn't desire her He shows no interest in her. There's no courtship. No flirting. No seduction. Nothing And on the other end there's only abuse either is a father Which is a difficult harsh street form of abuse and disciplining Or is a child which is a brattish temper tantrum type of abuse So she comes home And there's nothing there for her as a woman There's There's something for her as a mother There's something for her as a daughter And nothing for her as a woman. Normally. She would go and look for other men. She wants to feel She wants to feel like a woman, you know Only other men can make her feel like a woman. He can't So they don't perceive what they're doing whether they're doing is cheating or betrayal So as I said before men can cause the narcissist only extreme narcissistic injury And men usually do it with aggression And this aggression is externalized or sometimes the narcissist interiorizes the aggression And becomes depressed. So after narcissistic injury caused by men or by Clients or by by non-romantic non intimate partners The narcissist experiences injury and may even become depressed. They can be he can feel humiliated He can feel devastated that they had walked away and teamed up with other people But this is Not the same intensity not the same magnitude and not the same quality Of the pain experience with an intimate partner who cheats on the narcissist betrays and abandoning because he perceives this as a mother A mother abandoning her son He perceives such breakups As having been abandoned as a child He feels like a child Or if he's in the father mode having been having been betrayed By the closest possible most loved family member And then the narcissist Trying to resolve this somehow vacillates between an internal cognitive Modification an external emotional modification. I discussed it in a in a previous video. I'll be very brief therefore Internal cognitive modification is when the narcissist tells himself I'm bad. I'm evil. I'm misbehaved. I'm rejected. I humiliated. I abuse. Therefore. I deserve whatever happened I made it happen. I am in control It didn't just happen to me. I made it happen. I'm still godlike An external emotional modification Is these people these people are bad these people are evil these people are rejecting humiliating to betray me they cheated on me for me Etc etc etc the victim stance and the narcissist oscillates between the two of them He sometimes he thinks that he made it all happen. He chastises himself. He castigates himself criticizes himself. He is a strong inner critic And sometimes he says well, actually, you know what even if I had done all these things Even if I did abuse I did Reject I did humiliate I didn't deserve what they've done to me What they have done to me was totally disproportional. It was nuclear. It was crazy. I didn't deserve any of it They're horrible people. So internal external external internal The thing is that in reality women do reject do humiliate and do abandon the narcissist as a way to exit The shared fantasy or to end the bargaining and this renders external modification very plausible The narcissist can tell himself, but she did abandon me. I did catch her cheating on me I mean she is evil Irredivably so incorrigible. So it helps him with the external modification Of course, the truth is that women misbehave this way reactively After they had been rejected and abused by the by the narcissist beyond all measure Following his abuse And rejection during the shared fantasy the narcissist stalks If the woman withdraws withdraws and cheats or withdraws and doesn't cheat if there is redrawal if she upsends herself from the shared fantasy But stays with him stays with the narcissist physically But is absent emotionally the narcissist begins to stalk her In the bargaining phase He doesn't stalk He abuses because he wants to push the intimate partner to cheat on him ostentatiously and to dump him So as to get rid of her I discussed all this in the previous in the previous video I want now to discuss Some other elements which I did not cover In in previous videos and I want to start with a quote from film that I've seen with Johnny Depp Waiting for the barbarians In the film. There's a kind of provincial governor of a colonial outpost and he saves a woman from a Local nomad tribe that is oppressed and suppressed by the colonial military power So there's this provincial governor. That's the military the military Massacre actually a whole tribe of nomads and he saves a woman from that tribe. He nurses her back to health They become a couple And yet she repeatedly misbehaves with younger soldiers While he remains awake all night awaiting her return to the bed they share And it hurts him you can see in the film that he's hurt And Then he It goes to the kitchen to eat something and the cook who is secretly in love with him The cook tells him You were always somewhere else She the woman he had saved the woman from the nomad tribe She couldn't understand you. She didn't know what you wanted from her She used to cry And he said yeah, he says yeah, it couldn't have been easy on her to be separated from her tribe and the cook said no She used to cry because of you You made her very unhappy Didn't you know that and she's shocked Like she's shocked that he doesn't understand how absent he is And how painful it is For his intimate partner How this absence Is is absolutely nefarious It's toxic This absence is suffocating You see Bad relationships are divided in two big groups You can feel bad because of the presence of your partner Or you can can feel bad because of the absence of your partner With narcissists, it's more often the second actually Their absence their lack of care Lack of interest withdrawal sexual and emotional Lack of love lack Lack deficiency absence They're the ones who drive the narcissists intimate partners away And I've I've identified what I call the sequence and the sweet And I would like to Describe the sequence one A woman initiates contact with the narcissist Two he rejects her Three she idealizes the narcissist and his rejection Four the narcissist relents and agrees to a liaison Five as she gets to know the narcissist better Sometimes within days the woman gets disillusioned and repelled by him. So this is the case where intimacy Doesn't create attraction On the very contrary intimacy creates repulsion Six she abandons him either by cheating on him If he stalks her and refuses to let her go or by staying in the relationship and cheating on him if she's exploitative Or by absolutely walking away Seven the narcissist reacts with sadness anger Disappointment and revulsion And this is what I call the sequence many of you will identify the sequence in your own lives And then there is the sweet The sequence is initiated by the intimate partner. The sweet is initiated by the narcissist In the suite the narcissist brings a woman into his world and exposes his vulnerabilities Which then the woman the women knowingly abuse Often with colleagues and competitors So stage one Involves the public mortifying discard stage two involves public triangulation Stage three involves emotional or sexual affair with another man Sometimes a colleague competitor co-worker friend of the narcissist Stage four replacing the narcissist totally with that other man as a friend a guru or a partner Five betraying and badmouthing the narcissist to that other man Six no or intermittent contact and then seven attempted intensive friend zoning with an eye towards a renewed affair Or extracting benefits from the narcissist so I gave you the narcissist point of view And then I mean I gave you the intimate partner's point of view and then the narcissist point of view the sequence is the intimate partner's point of view The suite is the narcissist point of view narcissist believes that he brings a woman into his world And that's an enormous privilege He exposes his vulnerabilities And then he believes that he is knowingly abused Uh, the shirt fantasy is ecosystemic And when the when the intimate partner exists the shirt fantasy even in the most benign way without cheating without fighting Just packs her things and goes The narcissist feels wrong because the shirt fantasy Is all pervasive all controlling all subsuming and ego ego symptonic It's difficult to see outside the shirt fantasy or to see it from the outside The bargaining phase is ego dystonic The narcissist feels that he is the one pushing the partner away. So Modification is very unlikely in the bargaining phase the Narcissist even in the bargaining phase Realizes that he's the one doing all the rejection, humiliation, abuse, refusal to commit, abandonment But this feel As compulsive acts that are out of control Okay Narcissists gravitate towards transactional And ultimately sexless relationships even somatic narcissists They will end up having sex a sexless marriage while they Frolic around with other women While the cheat or the intimate partner but within the marriage The marriage itself the union Is likely to end up being sexless. So sexlessness is a feature Of narcissistic intimate relationships and partnerships Whether cerebral or somatic. So why do narcissists feel enraged? Why do they feel unhappy when this happens? Because repeated modifications Have estranged them from their false self Modification after loss after modification after loss gradually the narcissist begins to put some distance Some light between himself and his false self He begins to feel that he is imposed upon At the service of some alien entity He's a Bentley mistreated plaything There is a part of the narcissist that has awakened That disagrees with the agenda preferences and priorities of the false self There is bad blood now between the narcissist and his false self The adulation and the worship of early childhood the gun The narcissist feels more and more like he is the hostage of the false self His free will is gone He is a nothing is a figment He's a nothing He's a sliver. He's just being played around. He's a toy of the false self There's a lot of resentment and rage and anger at the false self Following multiple modifications And that is precisely the window of healing that cold therapy Utilizes This estrangement estrangement is a clinical term. It also happens in borderline personality disorder Similar to a latent or closer homosexual Cerebral narcissists get married as an alibi to avoid women and sex And to maintain an appearance of normalcy I'm not saying that cerebral narcissists are latent or closer to homosexuals I'm saying that they behave the same way like latent and closer to homosexuals. They get married They get married as a shield as an alibi. Sorry You know, I can't be with you because I'm married Get away. I'm married. You know, it's a shield. It's a defense. It's a firewall against women and sex The sadistic sexuality Of many narcissists or at least the kinky sexuality is unconventional It turns many women off The few women who share the narcissist's psychosexuality or acquiesce in it They are broken, damaged, mentally ill, hurtful or even dangerous women So the rational path for the narcissist is to go celibate And avoid the risks of rejection, cheating, betrayal, stalking and possibly even blackmail I want to read to end up by reading to you something written by Searle Kierkegaard, the Danish religious philosopher Danish philosopher Kierkegaard is a founder of modern existentialism He wrote a lot about Christianity, morality, ethics, religion and one of his books Is called The Works of Love, a wonderful book In the book he says that Jesus said You shall love your neighbor as yourself. And then Kierkegaard asked himself Jesus said you should love your neighbor as you love yourself. Is Jesus commanding us to love ourselves? If you don't love yourself, you can't love your neighbor according to Jesus So you must love yourself and indeed in the Roman Catholic tradition You can't love God truly if you don't love yourself In the Protestant tradition Self-love became narcissism in the Protestant tradition The Protestants are saying that if you Self-love you can't really love others. You can't love your neighbors. You can't love your colleagues You can't love your family. You can't love God. Self-love is a bearing It's a firewall. It's a defense against loving others against what we call object relations In Catholicism and with Kierkegaard, it's not the case He believes you must self-love. You must love yourself It's a dictum by God and Jesus and without this You can't love anyone else Kierkegaard admits that you need to love yourself very subtly There is a type of self-love that is deeply unhealthy Destroys humanity and there is proper self-love proper self-love makes us whole Makes us a complete person so According to to Kierkegaard What Jesus said is is not that you should first love yourself and then love your neighbor, but you should realize that Love for your neighbor and love for yourself are the same thing You cannot there is no self apart from others Relationships constitute the self or in Jung's in Jung's language Relationships constolate the self Kierkegaard doesn't call it love. He calls it forgiveness. He says only when you forgive your neighbor You truly forgive yourself, but you must forgive. Here is a quote from his book When it is said you should love your neighbor as yourself Therein is contained what is presupposed that every man loves himself Is it possible for anyone to misunderstand this as if it were the intention of Christianity to proclaim self-love as a prescriptive right? on the contrary It is its purpose to rest self-love away from us human beings This implies loving oneself But if one must love his neighbor as himself Then the command like a pick wrenches open the lock of self-love and thereby rests it away from a man This as yourself Does not waver in its aim and with the firmness of the eternal it critically penetrates It reaches the innermost hiding place where a man loves himself It does not leave self-love the slightest excuse or the tiniest escape hatch As Jacob as Jacob limped after having struggled with God Social self-love be broken if it has struggled with this phrase Which nevertheless does not seek to teach a man not to love himself But in fact rather seeks to teach him proper self-love therefore as yourself Suppose the most cunning deceiver who has ever In order if possible to have the opportunity of using many words and becoming loquacious For then the deceiver would quickly cocker Supposing such a deceiver were temptingly to question the royal The royal law year in and year out. How shall I love my neighbor? Then the terse command unchange will continue to repeat the short phrase as yourself And if any deceiver has deceived himself throughout his whole life by all sorts of verbosity Concerning this subject The eternal will only hold him to the test to the terse word of the law as yourself No one to be sure will be able to escape this command If it's as yourself comes as close to the life of self-love as is possible Then one's neighbor is again a qualification as fatally close to self-love as possible Self-love itself perceives that it is an impossibility to shirk this The only escape is the one which the Pharisees in their time also tried in order to justify themselves To let it be doubtful who one's neighbor is in order to get him out of one's life Self-love says Kierkegaard Is others is loving another self the self Is the totality Of our interconnected mesh with other people. That's our surfaces If we love ourselves by definition, we love the self Which is all our human contacts and by extension all of humanity There's no he denies actually the possibility of an individual he says that to be To have a self Is to immerse yourself In the totality of the human experience and with all other people with all other human beings if you think That you can survive and live and love yourself Without the aid and the support and the involvement and the penetration of other people You are what he calls a deceiver True words have never been spoken Ask any narcissist