 Hey Hi, it's time for the Abbott and Costello show we're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello show Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello show produced and transcribed in Hollywood to your listening pleasure with Susan Miller and Bandy Malek's orchestra So hold on your chairs boys for here. They are whatever All right, what's all the What's all the yelling for? I'm gonna be on the radio on the rest of the summer. Oh, you know the government controls the radio stations in Russia Mm-hmm. They don't have any commercial programs over there. Yes. I know over there even does can't do anything By the way, what are you doing? What are you doing with those flowers? Well, I'm taking them over to my Aunt May. She's practicing to be a ballet dancer All day. She stands in front of the mirror and she kicks the back of her head But curiosity got the best of her. How do you mean she turned around to see what she was doing? She kicked all her teeth in You know, Aunt May is sure crazy about Uncle Mike Abbott. She follows him around like a little puppy dog Wait a minute, she follows him around like a puppy dog. Yeah for her birthday. He's gonna give her a deceptive shot All right, all right, how's all how's all of Aunt May's family though? You don't laugh, you know, we'll send you back into here. Now, wait a minute I asked you how's all of Aunt May's family? Oh, the last one except my cousin monotonous He's been now wait a minute. We're just a little and may cause the monotonous. Yeah, he was a 17th child Your Aunt May has 17 children. Yes, eight boys and eight girls and a sparky boy Well, they certainly are all healthy kids. You know what, when I was born, I only weighed five ounces Oh, no way, but hold it right back and I'll tell them. Nobody was ever born that weighed only five ounces I know, my stomach hadn't weighed eight pounds. I wouldn't have lived You know, I've come from a very large family too It was Mama Papa and eight kids, two aunts, five uncles, 12 cousins, and we all lived in a four-room house with one bath Only one bath? Yes, and what confusion? The towels were marked his and hers and so whom it makes them shine Get her out of here Yes, the boys are on the beams of ice and they'll be back on it in just about one minute But first, let's hear this Both of the house is the exciting Wednesday night show that gives seven couples an opportunity to win a wonderful honeymoon house The house that will be built for them on a suburban lot right in their own hometown Yes, that's right, a brand new house to suit the dreams of any couple The rules are simple. Each couple selects a room and against to furnish honeymoon house They have seven questions and as they answer each question correctly, a prize of some furnishing goes into the house After the third question, they can either take their prizes out of the house or they can go for the house If they answer all seven questions, then honeymoon house and its furnishings become theirs Listeners also have an opportunity to win a house For complete details, don't miss Go For The House on the air tonight and every Wednesday night over most of these very same ABC stations And now back to ABC's Averton Costello Joe Love you, I love you, I love you, I love you in the club, I love you in the club Why a Costello? Jessica, what are you doing? Tonight I'm going to sing. For my first number I will sing Nature Boy Backwood Nature Boy Backwood? Why? For people over 35 That's all you can sing that. All right, then I'll sing a song I wrote myself. You wrote a song? What's the name of it? I call it somewhere in this big white world, there's a big white girl for me You know you seem very happy tonight. Oh, I am, I'm very happy. Tonight I give it a party at my house. Come on over and watch the champagne flow like water. No, the champagne cost $25 a quart. Come on over and watch the root beer flow like water. What's got into you? I never saw you so full of gas. Really? I feel it's better since I've been eating my meals raw. Raw? Raw. Yeah, I eat my breakfast raw, I eat my lunch raw. How about dinner? My mother makes me just for dinner, right? Costello, you couldn't be a bigger idiot if you tried. Oh yes I could, but I'm not a sure. You're a whole family of idiots. You know they're not, my uncle Tom is very smart. He grows the finest vegetables in California. This year he is crushing hisparagus with tomatoes. What for? He'll get tomatoes on a stick. The trouble is your uncle Tom is he drinks too much glue. Yes, and when he gets sweater he don't want to go home. Well, how does your aunt ever get him back into the house? Well, she takes him down to the front gate, she puts up three doors, and when he spaggers him for a drink she nails him and puts him to bed. Your aunt even brought up with him on a cold shower. Yeah? Uncle Tom thinks cold showers are silly. Why? Well, it's like standing under a table with no drinking his hands. And in his talk with his friends he had a very sad childhood. Apparently he was 16 years old. His mother and father fed him strong hearts. Nope, strong heart is a dog boot. Yes, they found it out one day when they discovered him under the porch stretching his ear with his eye and legs. Doesn't your aunt even ever get mad? No, she just laughs. My aunt evens a lot of fun. She's a regular circus. She's a circus? Yeah, she's just as big as a pen. Act like a clown. Tell us like a monkey. She's always straightened down main street. Hello, boy. Well, look, Cassello. It's Susan Miller. Oh, Susan, darling. You look wonderful tonight. How do you feel? I feel all right today. But last night I had the hide. So I thought it'd be nice to see you. I'm sorry to hear that you weren't feeling well. You could have called me and I would have come over and kid you up. Well, I wasn't really sick, bud. I was so down in the dump, so I went to see your picture in each hand. How? Are they showing it down there already? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. Susan. Susan, how about you and I stepping out tonight? Not tonight, Cassello. I've got a date with my Style Boy friend. He's a first Looie. Susan, there's no first Looie to the Navy. Cassello, I've been out with every tom, Dick and Harry in the Navy, but this is my first Looie. Cassello, how can you expect Susan to ever got what she just looked at you? You're overweight, you're pale, and you're nervous. Well, it ain't my fault, Abbott. My sister's baby ate up my whole bottle of vitamin pills. That little baby ate all those vitamin pills? Yes. Now he thinks she's a bullfighter. How do you know? All day he keeps waving his diaper at the cat trying to stab him with a safety pin. Say no attention to Costello, Susan. Why don't you a nice step out tonight? Not tonight, Bud. You see, I'm going to a government radio school. I'm learning to repair radios. A pretty girl like you learning to repair radios? Certainly. Gee, welcome to those Democrats. Think of next. Susan, how would you like to come over to my house tonight and fix my radio? Listen, Crystal Seth, let's get this straight. You're not my type. What do you mean? Well, your dial is warped, your aerials dragging, your AC is where your duping should be. And besides, you wouldn't know what to do during a brief pause for station identification. So long, fatso. You know, there goes a nice kid, but she's one and a half feet. What do you mean, one and a half feet? Well, she's not quite two feet. Well, just don't pay any attention to him, Costello. I beg your pardon? If you don't pay any attention to him. Stop talking with your mouth full. Are you eating something? Yes, between meals, I like to chew on something. I always eat almonds. She's kind and sobered. No wonder you're half nuts. I have to be careful what I eat, Costello. All my food has to be grilled. Grilled? Who does that for you? My wife. You may not believe this, but she's the best griller in California. Your wife is a griller? Oh, certainly. As long as you grill it up, I think she looks like a bad boon myself. Costello, I'm not talking about a griller. And the griller I'm talking about has nothing to do with monkeys. No, then how come she married you? Costello, you're thinking of a griller. I said my wife was a griller. A griller is a big, ugly-looking thing with little, beady eyes, long hair, hairy arms, a flat nose, and a thick lower lip. That's her. That's her. No! How dare you make the slurging remarks about my wife? She's one of the most gorgeous woman I ever met. Here's a picture I took of her Sunday in her bathing suit. Isn't she a dreamboat? Don't look now at it, but her cargo has shifted. Just a minute, mister. You can't go in there. There's a broadcast going on. Just a minute, please. Let's all with commotion. My wife is in this studio with another man, and I intend to find her. Just a minute, mister. Just a minute, mister. Claw. Your wife is in this studio with another man. I had two tickets for this broadcast, and my wife stole my wallet for two tickets in it. And I know she's in here with another man. Okay, mister. I know how you feel. If your wife is in here with another man, you've got a right to beat that guy up. Come on. Come on in. Aha! There they are! Give me back my wallet. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Costello. I got my wallet back. For being such a nice guy to come across the street with me, I'll buy you a cup of coffee. Hey, what about that guy that's with your wife? And I'll buy his own coffee. And as the plot thickens, we'll ring down the curtain on the nonsense just long enough to bring you business. Well, it's well way to spend an evening, a Wednesday evening, that is, by listening to ABC's hit shows. One of them is the sparkling Star Theater. Yes, tonight and every Wednesday night, the lively Melody Philz Star Theater will be heard over most of these ABC stations. For Melody, there's the popular and romantic voice of Gordon McRae, and there's also the last with the delicate air, lovely Evelyn Knight, who's famous for her special interpretations of beautiful folk ballads. But that's not all. You'll also hear the music of the Victor Young Orchestra and the Jeff Alexander Chorus. In the program, everyone is sure to enjoy the Star Theater featuring Gordon McRae, Evelyn Knight, Victor Young's Orchestra, and the Jeff Alexander Chorus. So be on hand when the Star Theater is on the air over most of these ABC stations tonight at 9 o'clock. And I'll back to ABC's Abbott and Costello show. Okay, Lou, Curtain's going up on our second act. Let's go. Wait a minute, bud. Let's throw the spotlight on Susan Miller. A great idea. Neighbors, here's Susan Miller, the singing star of the Abbott and Costello show. Here's to my best romance. Here's to my worst romance. Here's to my best... Here's to the boys. No new blood, day for love. Make this a night for love. If we have to fight, let's fight for love. Fight for love. It's the wonder of the world. The rocket to the moon. Some go to deck for life. Some go to deck for life. Some go to deck for life. Love didn't go to work for... Hey, Abbott, have a look. I got a telegram from one of our listeners. He heard me playing a part of Sam's shovel on last week's show. What did he say? Read it? It says here, Mr. Costello, you're playing a Sam's shovel the detective on last week's program with Strilling. I listened to your show with my ear glued to the radio. We'll be at the studio tonight, so congratulations in person. Hello, there's a man out here to see you. What does he look like? He's a tall, thin guy with a radio glued to his ear. Never mind him. Is there any more fan mail? Yes, here's the letter that says here, Mr. Costello, I think you are the greatest comedian in the world. Your acting as Sam's shovel detective last week was simply wonderful. I think you are the sweetest man in the world. I love you. Wait a minute. Who wrote that letter? It's time. T.O.U. E.R. Esso. How do you like that? I can't even read my own writing. Mr. Costello, I want to thank you. You saved my life. What do you mean, Costello saved your life? I'm a radio actor. I haven't worked in six years. I haven't eaten for weeks. I'm destitute. Last Wednesday night I was about to end it all. I was about to throw myself under a bus. Then a car came by where the radio turned on, and I heard your program. You were playing Sam's shovel, the detective. And that saved my life. Listening to my program saved your life? Yeah, but Jake, like you, can get away with that garbage. Anybody can make a living with it. That's T.O.U.U. You've got to give up the idea of doing those Sam's shovel detective stories on this program. You were a detective. What would you do if you came face to face with a killer? I'd run the other way. That's my strategy. Your strategy? Yes. I'm going around the world, and I'd hack him from the rear. Suppose it was a girl crush. She's got big blue eyes and a gorgeous figure. Would you pinch her? Yes, sir. And I'd arrest her, too. Castelli, you're not brave enough to play the part of Sam's shovel, the detective. Oh, no. I can prove that I'm brave. See these bullet holes in my chest? Once a mob of gangsters came at me with guns blazing, but I kept advancing and advancing. That's how you got the bullet holes in your chest? Yes, sir. Tell me more. Sit down. I can't. I also retreated. All right. There's no use arguing with you, Castelli. If you insist on doing another episode of Detective Sam's Shovel, let's get started. Come on. And now for our murder mystery, Sam's Shovel, Private Detective. Yes, I'm Sam's Shovel. Shovel it, Sam. That's the finest work you've done in years. Boy, Sam's have had to get on. I'm Sam's Shovel, Private Detective. I'm sitting in my little office with my feet on the desk. Suddenly, I notice my toes are slowly turning blue, taking my feet out of the inkwell. I glance at the calendar. Suddenly, I realize that I haven't slept in 14 days. But that doesn't bother me. I sleep nights. Suddenly, I feel dizzy. My head is spinning. No wonder my hair is caught in the electric van. Looking on my desk, I see a strange sight. A cigarette is smoking in the ashtray. I've seen cigarettes smoking before, but this one is smoking a pipe. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door. The phone rang. Somebody is knocking on the phone. Hello, Sam's Shovel. It's Detective Abbott of the Homicide Squad, the man whose single-handedly matched the notorious Red Gang, Red Wing. Then he smashed the yellow ring. Then he broke up the black ring. Then they threw him out of the jewelry store. He was busting too many rings. Sam, what's that horrible smell in this office? That last joke. What's that you're eating, Sam? It's a new detective story called Double Murder at the Liquor Distillery, or when a body meets a body coming through the ride. Lieutenant Abbott, the next line is ridiculous coming from me to you. I'll accept it. I know you will. Lieutenant Abbott, can I offer you a drink? No mind if I do. Abbott took a couple of shots. Somebody threw a rock through that window, and there's a note tied to it. Quick, read it. It says, for broken windows, call us ex-sulcier glass company. Lieutenant Abbott, I'd like to discuss my latest case with you. Sit down on that swivel back chair. I don't see any swivel back chair. Mm-hmm. The swivel must have taken it back. What was that? Somebody's been shot just outside the door. Let's see who it is. I'm sorry. Sorry, your husband is dead. Sorry, madam, that your husband is dead. Don't worry, lady. You'll get another date. There's lots of other fish in the sea. Yeah, but how am I going to look down from where the founder is? Lieutenant Abbott left with the woman. There I was all alone with a dead man. I started to do some serious thinking. I thought of my wife and children. I don't know what made me think of my wife and children. I haven't got any wife and children. This case reminded me of the time I caught Sidney, the knife killer. He wanted to cut out my liver. He wanted to cut out my gizzard. There was a man after my own heart. After I solved that case, Bulldog Grumman invited me for lunch. I'll never eat with Bulldog Grumman again. I can't stand that tenoration. I just decided to use my wrist.