 The Jack Benny program, transcribed and presented by Lucky Strike. The cigarette that's toasted to taste better. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette, they taste fine. Tobacco, it's light. Tobacco, it's mild. Tobacco too. And it's toasted yet it's toasted. Because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. This is Don Wilson. You know, that song tells an important story to smokers. Simply, it's this. Lucky's taste better. First, because Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, and then this fine tobacco is toasted. Yes, the fine, mild, good tasting tobacco, and every lucky is toasted to taste even better. It's toasted. The famous Lucky Strike process brings Lucky's fine tobacco to its very peak of flavor. Tones up this naturally good tasting tobacco to make it taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. So next time you buy cigarettes, make it a carton of better tasting Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. If you want better taste from your cigarette, Lucky Strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste, yet it's the toasted. Cigarette. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Murray Livingston, Rochester, Dennis Day, Bob Crosby, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, tonight Jack Benny does another of his regular TV shows over the CBS network. But this is the Halloween season, and Halloween is synonymous with fun, whether you live in Beverly Hills, Brooklyn, Sioux City, or Portland. So let's go back to last year, the day after Halloween, and see what went on in the Jack Benny household. Rochester, sir. Has Don Wilson come over yet? Uh, yes, sir. He's waiting for you in the den. Good. Now, I also called Dennis and told him to be over. Is he here? No, sir. He phoned and said he'd be a little late. That's funny. Dennis is always on time. I wonder what delayed him. He said that last night was Halloween, and some kids took the wheels off his bicycle. Well, why didn't he take the Sunset Bus? They took the wheels off that, too. Well, that's what Dennis gets for living in that kind of a neighborhood. I'm glad the kids around here aren't that rowdy. Me, too, boys. By the way, Rochester, go out and take the bathtub off the front porch and put it back in the house again. Well, what are you waiting for? Take the bathtub off the front porch. Okay, but there ain't much gas in the car. Gas in the car? What's that got to do with it? The front porch is in Pasadena. And Pasadena's in Pomoda. Stop being silly and do what I tell you. Yes, sir. I'm going to the library and talk to Don. Shine on, shine on harvest moon Up in the sky I ain't had... Uh-oh. I'd better hide those bicycle wheels. Dennis's lively gets sore. I'll put them in the closet. I ain't had no lovin' since January, February, June, or July. La-la. Hmm. The other months weren't so good, either. What are you supposed to call me, Daddy? Oh, wait a minute, Jack. Isn't that a little silly? Having a parent call you Daddy? I don't think so, Don. After all, I take care of her, feed her, talk to her, and I was the one who nursed her when she was sick. Polly was sick? Terribly sick. No, no, no, Polly. You're over it now. He's so cute, isn't he? He's so cute. I don't know. Yes, Don. She was very sick. Well, there's the phone. I'll get it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Benny. This is Dennis. Oh, Dennis, we're waiting for you. What taking you so long? I couldn't get a taxi. Oh. So my mother's driving me over in her steamroller. Your mother? I thought it was your Uncle Herman that drove the steamroller. Not anymore. Why? What happened? Well, yesterday something was wrong with the front roller, so he got out to take a look at it, and some kids played the meanest Halloween trick. Dennis, that's terrible. Where's your Uncle now? Well, you know that white line that runs down the middle of Wilshire Boulevard? Uh-huh. The dark part of it is Uncle Herman. Dennis, will you stop making up things like that? Your Uncle passed here this morning. Didn't he look thin? Hang up and get over here, will you? Yes, sir. What a kid. He gets sillier every day. I remember once he called me, Don, stop eating Polly's crackers. For heaven's sakes. I was just picking them up to feed to her. Jack, Jack, how long do parrots live? Oh, a long time, Don. Some of them live for years and years. How old is this one? 63. And she's still got all her feathers. That's more than you can say. Don, don't be so comical, will you? Be the straight man that you always are. Will you, please? Lately, you always try to be... Rochester, will you answer the phone, please? Yes, sir. Jack Billy's residence, star, stage, screen, radio, television, and we'll sell two bicycle wheels at ridiculously low prices. Hello, Rochester. This is Dennis. Please tell Mr. Bet... Hey, what did you say about two bicycle wheels? Uh-oh, me better solid. You have a long number. Maybe you have better luck buying by so long every young. Rochester, Rochester, I play talker to Rochester and all the time I talker to a Chinese boy. So solid, no Rochester, nobody here except us chop, suing, chop, chop. Goodbye, please. Rochester, give me that telephone. Hello, who is this? Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. This is Dennis, and Rochester said you had a pair of bicycle wheels. So solid, long love. Goodbye. Benny, Mr. Benny. Dennis, let's stop this kidding. If you'd only take my advice and stop talking silly all the time and just sing, you'd really go places. No, I won't. Why not? I've got no wheels on my bicycle. Oh, goodbye. You know, Don, sometimes I don't know why I waste my time talking to that kid. Oh, Dennis is okay. Well, speaking of wasting time, Jack, I've been here now nearly a half hour and you still haven't told me what you wanted me to come over for. Oh, yes, Don, it's about the quartet. The sportsman? Now, I've been thinking this over seriously for quite a long time now and I've finally made up my mind. I'm going to fire them. Fire them? But Jack, they're one of the best singing groups in the country. I'll admit that, but they never sing what I want them to. They're always singing crazy songs and embarrassing me. They have no respect for me. The other day when I asked, I practically begged them to do a certain tune. I think the baritone called me a dirty name. You think? Yes. Who knows what hmm-hmm-hmm means. And anyway, Don, I want you to come with me to a lawyer because you're the one who's responsible for them. Jack, you don't have to go to your lawyer? Yes, I do. I want them to break their contract. But you don't have enough reasons to fire them? Yes, I have. But they're wonderful singers, Jack. They're very popular too and they have a lot of fans. In fact, plenty of people tune into your program just to hear them, not you. That's another reason. Believe me. Oh, look, Jack, don't be hasty. Why don't you give them another chance? Well, I don't like to fire people. Back during my entire career in show business, I don't think I ever fired anybody. What about that bald-headed writer you used to have? You fired him, didn't you? No, I didn't. I stopped paying him his salary and after a couple of years, he quit. That's all that happened. Well, his partner didn't quit and he's not with you anymore. Well, he starved to death. But, Don, if I give the sportsman another chance, do you think they'll mend their ways? I'm sure of it, Jack. They'll do something instead of those silly, crazy songs. I'm just sure of it, Jack. In fact, I'll talk to them myself. Well, all right. Let's forget about it. Jack, I'm just as positive as I can be. You won't regret this. Well, I'm going to be running along. Well, where are you going, Don? Well, nowhere in particular. I'll probably drop into the drugstore for some lunch. Say, I'm kind of hungry too. All right, Chester! Yes, Mr. Benny? Look, if Mr. Wilson and I are going to have lunch at the drugstore, come on, Don. Okay, Jack. Well, Jack, here's the drugstore. Yeah. This is a good place to eat. Come on, let's go in. All the tables seem to be taken. Let's get those two stools at the end of the counter. But there are two right here, Jack. Oh, yes. I'll see if we can have them. Oh, waitress! Waitress! What do you want, Mac? Are these two stools available? No, they're reserved for the Duke and Duchess of Windsor. Don, let's sit down. What do you want to eat? Well, I haven't made up my mind yet. Better take my friend's order first. What do you have, Don? I can't make up my mind either. Miss, maybe we better look at a menu. Have you got a menu? Here. Let me see. Don't bend it. It's the only one we've got. Look, I'm not... And stop drooling. There's nothing... Look, Miss, all I want is a chicken sandwich. I'll have the same. Okay, I'll be back with a grub in a minute. You know, Jack, I just can't understand how a girl like her can hold a job here. Now, wait a minute, Don. Don't be too hard on her. You know, she's had a tough time with it. Do you know that she used to be a big star on Broadway? Really? Yep. For three years, she played the title role in The Voice of the Turtles. That's the way her head keeps coming in and out. What'll you have, Mac? Say, Don... Well, excuse me, minute, Jack. Excuse me. The sportsman is sitting over there. The quartet? Where? Yeah, over there in the corner. I want to talk to them a minute. Well, remember, Don, will you give them a warning about what I said? I'll talk to them about it. Dude, you drive me nuts. Shine on, shine on, up in the sky. Hey, Mac, you want milk to drink with your sandwich, don't you? Yeah, how'd you know? Our coffee would knock you right off that stool. Just bring the milk, yeah. Now, fellas, please, do yourselves a favor. Take my advice. Don't sing that song for Jack. This is neither the time nor the place. Oh, here he comes. Now, look, fellas, I'm telling you for your own good. What's the matter now, Don? They want to sing a new number for you. Here in the drug store? I should say not, or it'd be embarrassing. I told you, fellas. You see, Don, they won't listen to anybody. That's why I want to fire them. But, Jack, they claim that this is a very beautiful song. I don't care how beautiful it is. Boys, he's mad at you anyway. Now, you better not do a thing. Don, Don, will you keep them? Boys, hold it, hold it. Don, will you keep them? Hold it, boys. See, you're lying. This is why I want to fire them. For our shabu. Shabu. Life could be a dream. Shabu. Shabu? If I could take you up in paradise above. What does that mean, Don? Shabu. Shabu. Shabu. If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love, life could be a dream, sweetheart. What happened to Shabu? Shabu, hello again. Shabu, hello again. Oh, life could be a dream. Shabu. Shabu. If only all my precious plans would come true. I like to know what Shabu is. Shabu. If you would let me spend my whole life loving you, life could be a dream. Shabu. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Listen, Shabu. Don, you've got to do something about these guys. I'll look at you. Something is on my mind. If you do what I want you to do. Baby, we'll be so fine. Right here in the drug store. Life could be a dream. You're so embarrassing. I've got to fight. If I could take you up to paradise above. Shabu. If you would tell me I'm the only one you love, life could be a dream. Sweetheart. Sweetheart. Shabu. Shabu. Shabu. Sweetheart. Shabu. Sweetheart. Now look out. Shashamatee shabu. Fellas, we're in the drug store. Hop on a lucky and you will agree. Shabum. Shabum. Mr. B. Shaw-shaw-shaw-shabum. Lucky's back's a man. Find the back, oh, you've got better taste. Lucky's back's a pack. Yeah. Lucky's back's a toast. Fellas, please. Everybody's looking at us and the drugs. Tell us we're in the drug store. Don, I told you. Tell us we're in the drug store. People are not eating. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Last straw, I warned you that if they send a... But Jack, I tried to... Shaboom! I was a nice guy. I gave them another chance. Jack, now if you'd all of them... I don't want to hear any more about it. I'm going to call a lawyer right now. It's not a quartet. Come on, Don. Shaboom! Is this the lawyer's office, Jack? Yeah, Joseph S. Kearns, attorney at law. Let's go in. Pardon me, miss. I'd like to see Mr. Kearns. Do you have an apartment? Off with Shaboom. What? What did you say? Do you have an apartment? Yes, I have an appointment. What? I said I have an appointment. I'm a busy man. I can't stay on this phone all day. I told you I won't settle this case for less than $50,000. I'm sorry, Mr. Smith. Well, that's up to you, Mr. Smith. Goodbye. Oh, hello, Mr. Kearns. How do you do, Mr. Smith? No. No, Benny. My name is Jack Benny. Oh, yes, yes. Please forgive me. It's just that I've been so busy lately and have so many things on my mind. Oh, I understand, Mr. Kearns. I'd like you to meet Don Wilson. How do you do, Mr. Wilson? Haven't we met before? I don't think so. That's funny. Your name is so familiar. It keeps running through my mind. Smith, Smith, Smith. No, no. His name is Wilson. Oh, yes, yes. How stupid of me. Your name is Smith. No, look, that Smith was on the telephone, isn't he? What happened to Benny? You know Shaboom wasn't bad. Look, I'm Benny. It's my Jack Benny. Oh, yes. Now, what can I do for you? Well, Mr. Kearns, what I came to see you about... Oh, pardon me. Yes? Oh, well, send them right in. This won't take long. It seems to be very urgent. A domestic case. Come in. Mr. Kearns, I will... I'll do the talking and you keep your big mouth shut. Big mouth? Your lips could be stretched over a piano stool. We can settle this without harsh words. That's okay with me. I want to divorce this jerk. Very well, but you'll need grounds. If I had that, I'd bury him. Please, please. Let's not resort to that. What are your names again? Mr. and Mrs. Crossfire. Very well. I'll file the application. Goodbye. Now, getting back to you, what did you come to see me about? Well, you see... Wait a minute. I'll tell them. Mr. Kearns, as I started to say... Oh, yes, I remember. You two wanted to divorce. No, no, that's Crossfire. Oh, of course, of course. I had you confused with Mr. and Mrs. Wilson who just left. Hi, Mr. Wilson. Oh, yes, yes. Then you're Mr. Crossfire. No, no, I'm Smith. I mean Benny. Oh, yes, Benny Wilson. What's on your mind? Well, I've got a quartet on my radio program and I'd like to break their contract. Now, here it is. Would you just look over it? It's like an iron-clad agreement. But I... Oh, excuse me. Yes? Well, oh, good, good. Send them in. It's that couple who were just in here for a divorce. Mr. and Mrs. Kearns. Well, your name is Kearns. I mean Mr. and Mrs. Wilson. Their name is Crossfire. Oh, yes, thank you, Mr. Smith. Jack, Jack, isn't this the lawyer who pleaded the case and got the jury so confused and sent the judge up for 20 years? You read about it, huh? You read about it? I thought he made up a joke. For heaven's sakes. Come in. Come, doll face, carry me over the threshold. No, love, are you carrying me? You're stronger. Okay. Up to Daisy. Oops, not so high. I'll get a nose. Oh, come, come. I'm a busy man. Are you sure your minds are made up? Me and Porfirio don't want a divorce. Back to Shaboom and start over. Everybody has a line in here. Fine, I won't file the application. And good luck to both of you. Thank you. Let's not waste any more time. Benny is the name. Jack Benny. This is Mr. Wilson. Mr. and Mrs. Crossfire just left. Your Kearns and Smith was on the phone. Now, tell me, Mr. Kearns, you said you knew how to break the contract with my quartet. Now, let's see, since you're suing them for $50,000, we can... I'm not suing them for $50,000. Oh, yes, that was Krausmeier. Oh, that was Smith on the phone. Well, what are you doing here? I had an appointment. Oh, yes, you came in here about a quartet. I remember now. You came in with this man here, Mr.... Mr. Eagle Bottom. About my quartet. Mr. Kearns, about my quartet, you've got to break that contract. Now, here it is on your desk. Oh, that one. I'm sorry, but that contract is unbreakable. You haven't got a chance. So I advise you as a lawyer. Oh, now what? Come here. If it's the last thing I do, you spongehead. That's gratitude for you. After we left here, I courage all the way down the hall so you wouldn't tire your big, flat feet. Laundry shoot. Look, I don't mean to get into this, but we're on the 12th floor and you dropped your wife down the laundry shoot. I hit bottom like a sack of wet wash. What's your shape? How else could you hit? I've got the applications right here. Good. We'll see you in court. Goodbye. Gee, that's a shame. There's such a nice couple. Oh, I wouldn't worry about them. This has been going on for 20 years. They'll get back together, but I am worried about the children. You mean they've been fighting for 20 years? Oh, yeah. They have children? That's the tragedy of divorce. Who's going to take care of the little ones? Hmm. And I think I have trouble. Mr. Kerns, I'm glad I dropped into your office today. I got a big home, a butler, a swimming pool, and I'm going to do something that'll make me happy too. I'm going to have their children come home and live with me until their parents make up their minds. Gosh, that's the noblest thing you've ever done, Mr. Krausmeier. Yes, it's a wonderful thing. And from now on, the children are your responsibility. Well, good, good. And the children are here right in the next office. May I see the little rascals now? Well, you certainly may. Go right in. Thank you. You? You're the children? Shaboom, shaboom. Shaboom, shaboom. For heaven's sakes. Come on, Don, let's go. Mr. Bean, shaboom. Jack will be back in a minute to tell you about his television program, which goes on immediately after this show. But first, I'd like to say something important to you cigarette smokers. When you light up a lucky, you can be sure you'll get the better taste you want. That's because a lucky is toasted to taste better. Of course, the beginning of better taste is fine tobacco. L-A-S-M-F-T, lucky strike means fine tobacco. And then, it's toasted. That's the famous lucky strike process that brings lucky's fine tobacco to its peak of flavor. Tones it up to make this naturally good tasting tobacco taste even better. Cleaner, fresher, smoother. Yes, that's why luckies taste better. It's the cigarette of fine tobacco and it's toasted. So remember... If you want better taste from your cigarette, lucky strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yeah, it's the toasted. Cigarette, they take fine tobacco. It's light tobacco. It's mild tobacco too. And it's toasted. Yes, it's toasted because the toasting brings the flavor right through. So to get better taste from your cigarette, lucky strike is the brand to get. It's toasted to give you the best taste. Yeah, it's the toasted. Cigarette. Ladies and gentlemen, I was going to tell you about my television show, but we're a little late, so tune in and watch it. Good night, folks. America's leading manufacturer of cigarettes.