 Now, Anacin, the tablets thousands of physicians and dentists recommend for fast relief of pain of headache, neuritis, neuralgia, and Bicidal Mints, that quickly rid stomach of gastric distress, present Armist Brooks, starring Eve Arden. Time once again for another comedy episode of Armist Brooks Transcribe. But first, believe anything you like about what this or that way to relieve pain of headache, neuritis or neuralgia will do for you. But there is one important fact you can't get away from. And that is, thousands of users of Anacin have been introduced to this remarkable product through their own physicians or dentists. These people know how incredibly fast and effectively Anacin acts to relieve pain. Anacin is like a doctor's prescription. That is, Anacin contains not just one, but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form. Next time you suffer from the pain of a headache, neuritis or neuralgia, don't wait for relief, try Anacin. You'll be delighted with these tablets incredibly fast action. Try Anacin on this guarantee. If the first few Anacin tablets do not give you all the relief you want, as fast as you want it, return the unused portion and your money will be refunded. All drug counters have Anacin in handy boxes of 12 and 30 tablets and economical family size bottles of 50 and 100. I'll repeat the name for you, Anacin, A-N-A-C-I-N. Well, if persistence alone can earn a high grade, you've got to give our Miss Brooks, who teaches English at Madison High School, an A for effort. It's taken almost six years, but this weekend she arranged to have Mr. Boynton, Madison's shy biology teacher, all to herself. Yes, indeed. This time I absolutely put my foot down. It was just Mr. Boynton and me and 500 delegates to the teacher's convention. You see, over the past weekend a special meeting was held in Evanston to help celebrate American Education Week. I had persuaded Mr. Conklin, our beloved principal, to send me along with Mr. Boynton as Madison's representatives. And Friday morning my landlady came into my bedroom just as I finished packing for the trip. You know, Connie, it looks just like cow hide. I know, I haven't put on my makeup yet. Oh, you mean the Belize. It is nice, isn't it? I borrowed it from Mrs. Wrapped down the street. Have you got everything packed, Connie? I think so. Let's see. The nighty Harriet Conklin loan me is in, and Mrs. Conklin's negligee, that's in. Your nylon stockings are in. Yes, I've got my things all packed. Good. And just wait till you see the new suit I'm wearing for the occasion. Of course I won't be able to put that on until 5.15 today. Why not, Connie? Tillie Eberhardt doesn't get home from work until then. You're terribly excited about this weekend trip, aren't you, dear? Oh, of course, Mrs. Davis. This is quite an important convention. I'll get an opportunity to exchange ideas and opinions with other people in my line of work. I'll get an opportunity to see what's being accomplished at other schools. What else will you get, Connie? I'll get all my expenses paid and a whack at Mr. Boynton. That will be nice. You and Mr. Boynton seeing strange places and strange faces together? The strange places are all right, but the strange faces can go to the races. There's one thing that puzzles me, Connie. Knowing your relationship with Mr. Conklin, how did he happen to choose you as a delegate? Well, it's very simple, Mrs. Davis. Remember two weeks ago Mr. Conklin got himself a new gray flannel suit? Yes, indeed. His wife Martha told me he spent a small fortune on it. I'm glad it was a small fortune. I spilled a small bottle of ink on it Monday. Oh, you didn't. He now has gray flannel pants and a very sporty blue jacket. Anyway, on Tuesday he left his wristwatch on his desk and I accidentally brushed it to the floor while I was picking up some papers. Then when I bent down to get it, I broke the crystal. But a crystal is easily repaired. Not when you break it by putting your heel through the back of the watch. But Connie, I don't understand. Why didn't Mr. Conklin pick you for the convention this weekend? Well, I was just getting to that, Mrs. Davis. You see, Mr. Conklin's buying a new pair of glasses this morning and he wants to give them a three-day head start. Sounds logical. Well, I know another English teacher at Madison who'd be mighty disappointed that she's not going on this trip. You mean Ms. Enright? I do. She's almost as sweet on Mr. Boynton as you are. And this weekend trip would be a wonderful opportunity for her to cut you out with him. Please, Mrs. Davis, I just got up. Why talk about nightmares? No more pencils, no more books, no more... Wait for me, Miss Brooks. Well, Walter Denham, why didn't you pick me up this morning? You know my car's in the repair shop. It's so is mine. Yesterday, when I started for home, it happened. What happened? As soon as I stepped on the starter, the exhaust pipe blew the rest of the car into Hirsch's meat market. That's awful, Walter. Anyway, I'm glad I caught you before you dropped into Mr. Boynton's biology lab. What made you think I was going to drop into the biology lab? Oh, please, Miss Brooks, it's too early in the morning for quips. What I meant was I thought I could save you from a big disappointment. Oh, that's all right. I'm used to him by now. I mean, what kind of disappointment? Mr. Boynton isn't in school. What's more, he isn't coming to school today. What? But we're supposed to leave from here for the convention. I know it, Miss Brooks, and I know how devastated you'll be by the news, but Mr. Boynton won't be able to go to the convention. He's sick in bed. Sick in bed? How do you know? Harriet told me. He called in a little while ago and left the message with one of the teachers. But how can I leave town if Mr. Boynton is sick? He has no more relatives in this part of the world than I have. Who'll take care of him? Let me put your mind completely at ease, Miss Brooks. Harriet and I can run errands for Mr. Boynton. Besides, I'm sure Miss Enright will be glad to nurse him back to health. Walter, you couldn't have put my mind more at ease if you'd told me my train was going to be bombed. You're not exactly smitten with Miss Enright, are you, Miss Brooks? Frankly, Walter, there isn't a lot of affection squandered between us. Well, she always speaks highly of you, Miss Brooks. Well, just the other day, Miss Enright said the only reason she can't see a romantic attachment between Mr. Boynton and yourself is because of the difference in your ages. Miss Enright said that? Sure. Let's see now. What were her exact words? Oh, I remember. She said that in her opinion, Mr. Boynton was definitely old enough to be your kid brother. Oh, she did, did she? Well, that makes my next step quite apparent. If you'll excuse me, Walter, I'm going right over to the principal's office. What for? I've got to see a man about a cap. Come in. Good morning, Mr. Conklin. Don't come any closer, Miss Brooks. But, sir, I just... If you take one more step, I'll call for help. What in the world are you talking about, Mr. Conklin? I've got my new glasses on, Miss Brooks, and I mean to protect them with my life. Mr. Conklin, your glasses are reposing firmly on your nose, and I'm nowhere near you. That is how it always starts. You weren't near me when you spilled that ink on my flannel suit, either, or when you smashed my watch, or last month when you dropped the typewriter on my toes, or last week when you closed the office door on my nose. Oh, I meant to ask you about that, Mr. Conklin. Was that door ever fixed? You will be pleased to know, I'm sure, that thanks to your valiant efforts, I have become one of the poorest accident insurance risks in this part of the state. I won't draw an easy breath until you're on the train this afternoon. I presume you're packed and ready to go. Yes, sir, and I'm really looking forward to it. This is the first convention I've attended since I represented Gordon High School six years ago. That was a lot of fun. Well, you are not going to this convention to have fun, Miss Brooks. As Madison's standard bearer, our school will be judged by your actions. Always remember that. Oh, I will, Mr. Conklin. You can depend on me, sir. I won't get myself thrown into jail this time. Jail? You mean you were thrown into jail at your last convention? Oh, for the most absurd reason, Mr. Conklin. Can you imagine being locked up for riding around on a motorcycle? Well, that's hardly a jail offense. That's exactly what I told the policeman. Besides, he wasn't using it at the time anyway. You took a policeman's motorcycle? It was just a lark, sir. There was absolutely no reason for them to put that picture in the paper. What picture? A picture of me holding up a burlesque queen in the drunk tank. Miss Brooks, you can start unpacking at any time. You are not going to the convention. Not going? But, Mr. Conklin, think of your new glasses. My glasses will have to live dangerously like the rest of my person. But if you don't send me, sir, who will you send? Well, I haven't given it any thought. Have you any suggestion? I haven't given it any thought either, Miss Enright. Miss Enright might be just the person. She has poise, bearing. Do you think she'll relish the idea of going? Believe me, Mr. Conklin, when you tell her about it, she'll be so happy she'll clap her paws and glee. Now, if you'll excuse me, sir, I'll get to my classroom. Very well, Miss Brooks. Thanks a lot. Well, good morning, Miss Brooks. Oh, good morning, Mr. Boynton. Wait till you hear the news. I was just in Mr. Conklin's office. Mr. Boynton, what are you doing up? Go right home and get back into bed at once. Bed? What for? I'm not sick. You're not? No, I never felt better in my life. What a revoltant development this is. Walter told me that Harriet said you were sick in bed. Harriet? Well, I didn't talk to Harriet. When I phoned the school this morning, I thought I was going to be delayed at the biology supply house. So I left that message as one of the teachers. What teacher? Miss Enright. I should have said witch teacher. And she's a witch teacher if I ever say... Do you suppose she could have confused the words delayed with laid up? Oh, there's no confusion at all. This is the result of careful calculations. Miss Enright knew that Harriet would tell Walter. Also that Walter would, if he saw me, and that's customary, he'd almost be sure to, tell me and then knowing what she would do or thinking she know what I would do, she told Harriet what I later heard from Walter. And then I did what she thought I'd do. Look, are you all right? Where are you speaking in such jerky sentences? There's a very good reason, Mr. Boynham. I have just been completely taken in by a very jerky teacher. Friends, if you suffer from acid indigestion, I hope you didn't miss reading this wonderful news, a headline that says, New Mints Medically Proven Quickly Rid Stomach of Gastric Distress. That headline is talking about new bisonol mints. Doctors recommend bisonol mints because the bisonol medication acts at once to make painful acid harmless and give you fast five-way relief. One, speeds relief from gas. Two, sweetens your breath. Three, gives complete longer lasting relief than baking soda. Four, relief stomach upset from too much eating, drinking, smoking. Five, lets you sleep when acid indigestion strikes at night. So don't suffer from acid indigestion. Heartburn or gastric distress from excess acidity. Remember, new mints medically proven, quickly rid stomach of gastric distress. And remember the name, bisonol mints, B-I-S-O-D-O-L. Get bisonol mints for fast relief. When we sat down to lunch in the school cafeteria, I told Mr. Boynham that I suspected Miss Enright of deliberately saying he was ill so that I would withdraw and she could go in my place. At first he refused to believe it ever, but finally his sense of justice was so completely outraged that he seemed beside himself with fury and he violently shouted, Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. Why should Miss Enright think you'd stay home from the convention even if I was sick in bed? Because I would, that's why. Somebody would have to take care of you, get your medicine, fix your meals and see that you were made comfortable. Miss Brooks, may I remind you that I'm not sick in bed? Oh, I know that, Mr. Boynham. Then would you mind not taking my pulse? I need this hand to finish my waxed beans. I still say that when people haven't any relatives in a place, it's up to the people who think something of people to do something for the people they think something of. Maybe I should teach Spanish. I know you're disappointed about not attending the convention, Miss Brooks, but I'm sure you're disappointed about not attending the convention, Miss Brooks, but if you have any suggestions you'd like me to put before the meeting. There's only one suggestion I'm worried about and that'll come from Miss Enright to you. Say, that's funny. What? You're mentioning Miss Enright. She's heading for this table now. Well, speak of the devil. It's just the way she's wearing her hair. Uh-oh, she spotted us. Oh, hello, Miss Brooks. Mr. Boynton, why aren't you home in bed? His sheets caught on fire. You know yourself, Miss Enright, that I only phoned to say that I might be delayed getting to school. Delayed? Oh, I thought you said laid up. You did? Now, you see, Miss Brooks, it was a misunderstanding. Oh, of course. Like the one Custer had with those red chaps. Oh, now don't be a bad loser, darling. Not that you are, really. I understand that you personally recommended me to Mr. Compton for the position of second delegate from Madison High. Oh, you did that, Miss Brooks? I wish my mother had quit after my two older brothers were born. Say, do you mind if I join you with this table? The cafeteria's quite crowded now. Not as crowded as this table right now. Sit down, Miss Enright. Oh, I see you have your own sandwich. Can I get you some water or a napkin or something? Oh, go ahead, Diamond Jim. You're a toothpick, too. I'd love some water, please, Mr. Boyle. Oh, very well. I'll get some for all of us. Oh, I'm a great boy for water. He's a great boy for a lot of things. But you'll be happy to know, darling, that Mr. Conklin told me of my selection as second delegate early in the day. That's why I was able to get home during a free period, pack a valise, and put on my new fall travelling suit. Do you like it? It all depends how far you travel. Look, Miss Enright, we both know that your going to the convention is my fault, but we also know that my not going is your fault. Do I make myself clear? To me, yes. But I can't help wondering how much of you gets across to your pupils. Well, that's the wrong attitude, though, isn't it? Let's not spoil Mr. Boynton's luncheon with a lot of female bickering. You're right, Miss Enright. I might as well be a good sport about it. All's fair in you-know-what-in-war, I guess. Here we are, ladies. Here's some good old H2O. Greatest thing since water. Sit down, Mr. Boynton. Oh, I brought some coffee for us, too. Oh, that was very considerate, Mr. Boynton. Tell me, do you think this suit I'm wearing is all right for our train trip today? Well, yes, Miss Enright, it looks fine. It's a very provocative shade of green. Don't you think so, Miss Brooks? In my present mood, it's puzzling. I can't tell where her suit leaves off and my face begins. Actually, Miss Enright, it is an interesting shade of green. Who knows? You may blend in with your Pullman chair so well. Mr. Boynton won't be able to find you. Is that what you call being a good sport, Miss Brooks? Sorry. Let's be gay, shall we? Drink up, Mr. Boynton. We'll knock that water cooler silly. I've had plenty of thanks. I'm working on this beef stew right now. A few ladies will excuse me. I'm not much for conversation while I'm eating. Of course, Mr. Boynton. Bon voyage. Tell me, Miss Enright, what other clothes are you taking on the trip? Oh, just my two good dresses. As a matter of fact, they're the only two I'd wear out of the house. But I thought you had quite an extensive wardrobe. Oh, yes I did. But I gave loads of last year's stuff to charity. I feel the poor have to live too. What a liberal viewpoint. I'm sorry, Miss Enright. I'd really like to let bygones be bygones. I'm going to get myself a little dessert now. May I bring you something? Well, I could do with a piece of pie. Oh, I'd be happy to do you with a piece of pie. I'll pick out something real nice. Where are you going, Miss Brooks? Can I get something for you? You keep bucking that beef. You're only yards away from a first down. I'll be back in the jiffy. Oh, don't make it anything too rich, darling. Leave it to me, darling. I'll fix you up fine. Hi, Miss Brooks. I was happy to see that Mr. Boynton wasn't sick enough to miss school today. He's not sick at all, Harriet. It was just a plot to get me to volunteer to stay home so Miss Enright could go to the convention in my place. I suggested her to Mr. Conklin myself. And he took your suggestion? Hook, line, and stinker. A scene. But I've got an idea that may still turn the tables. I'm going to get Miss Enright a nice piece of pie. A piece of pie? Because she played a dirty trick on you? Exactly. That goes poorest with a green dress. With a grea- Gerhard, Miss Brooks, you're going to present Miss Enright with the pie, but in several places. Why, Harriet Conklin, what an outrageous thought. I'll just take this coconut cream pie, I believe. How about taking this piece, too? Both of them? Sure. Then you can lose your balance easier. And as you let her have it, you can sing White Christmas. You have an extremely poetic mind. Oh, Harriet, there's no one at this counter to punch my food check. Will you please get it done for me? I'll pick it up on my way out. Oh, sure, Miss Brooks. You go right ahead. Thanks, dear. Don't mention it. Happy landing on. I hope I wasn't too long. I brought some pie back for both of you. Oh, that was very thoughtful, Miss Brooks. Oh, looks delicious. Oh, yes it does. I'll pass Mr. Barton's piece over to him, Miss Brooks. Oh, I think I can manage. Oh, come on, let me have it. Well, if you insist. Oh, I must have tripped. How could you be so clumsy? Oh, my goodness, the pie's all over your new suit. Oh, dear. Quite all over it, Mr. Barton. Most of it splattered on the coat. The skirt's not touched, thank goodness. That's what I get for not keeping my head down. Well, I'll just dip a napkin in this water and maybe we can get some of that goo off your coat. Oh, good. Oh, here, let me try it. And watch out for the coffee cup. Oh! Oh, no! All over my... That's what I call teamwork. I'm terribly sorry, Miss Enright. My new suit is completely ruined. First pie on the coat and then coffee on the skirt. It's like I always say, what good's a piece of pie without a cup of coffee? Your alleged humor leaves me cold at this point, Miss Brooks. It's a good thing I had the foresight to pack my other dresses and leave them in my gym locker. No, it is indeed, Miss Enright. You'd hardly have time to get new clothes this afternoon. The train leaves at 5.45. Well, accidents will happen. I apologize again, Miss Enright. And now, if you'll both excuse me, I've got to practice a bit. Practice? Yes, my work on the parallel bars has been very vertical. Armistress will return in a moment. Yes, you can help keep America beautiful. You can, with scarcely any effort at all, join the growing ranks of Americans who are making clean streets and highways their own business. Apart from the aesthetic value of beautiful streets and highways, unlittered and minus the all-too-familiar collection of tin cans, broken bottles and similar debris, there's another consideration. Litter not only is unsightly, it's dangerous. A sharp ragged edge of a can can cause a blowout. So can a broken piece of glass. Blowouts can cause death and often have. If you have been among the thoughtless many who litter our roads, park sides, picnic sites and open highways, give this matter serious thought now and help America mend its ways. Keep in mind that many states have already instituted heavy fines for littering, some in three figures, and more states are getting tough on litterers every month. It's going to be as expensive to get caught littering as speeding. In many states, it's more costly. Good citizenship demands it. Common sense demands it. Safety demands it. Help make ours a litter-free country. Help in every way you can. Well, at lunch I had done my best to prevent Miss Enright from attending the teacher's convention with Mr. Boynton. However, to my disappointment, I discovered one ruined dress doesn't mean a missed convention, at least not when Die Hard Daisy happened to have the rest of her clothes packed and waiting in her gym locker. Later that afternoon, I received an urgent request to report to our principal's office. Are you sent for me, Mr. Conklin? Yes, Miss Brooks, I did. I have just spoken with Miss Enright. She, it appears, was foolhardy enough to have lunch with you. We did share the same table, but... Fortunately, she escaped without any serious bodily injury. However, she has been forced to withdraw as Madison's second delegate to the teacher's convention in Evanston. You mean she's not able to go? Miss Brooks, when Miss Enright informed me that you had peppered her garments with a slab of coconut cream pie, it didn't surprise me in the least. But there's one thing that does puzzle me. What's that, Mr. Conklin? Well, if it isn't revealing too much of a trade secret, Miss Brooks, would you kindly tell me how you managed to plop a second piece of cream pie on the dresses packed inside her beliefs which was inside her locker? I guess when I get clumsy, I just go hog wild. Well, until they infringe upon school operations, personal rivalries on the faculty are not my concern. However, there are two train tickets available for this trip. I know it. Yes, sir. Two tickets. And there are two delegates expected to the convention. That's right. Two delegates expected. Two of them. As you know, Mr. Boynton is one of the delegates. All we need now is another one. You're right, Miss Conklin. You're so right. You're the rightest thing since the right, brothers. Just one more delegate. That's all we need. Yes, Miss Brooks. Yes, Mr. Conklin. Get off my desk. You're not going. I have just made my selection for delegate number two. Who? Me. You? None other. Not only will the trip do me a world of good, it will reflect prestige and credit upon Madison High as well. However, I don't want you to feel completely out of things, Miss Brooks. So? So I want you to type up these notes for me. They contain some remarks I will make to the convention. Now, tattle along, Miss Brooks. Yes, sir. Oh, Mr. Conklin. Yes? I realize it's quite late, but how would you like to be my guest for a little lunch? Not today, thank you. But don't be discouraged. It was a nice try. Good day, Lucretia. Goodbye, sir. Don't be discouraged, he says. Of all things to happen to a person. Well, Miss Brooks, you must be upset today. You're talking to yourself. I know. I'm a very good listener. Oh, it's you, Mr. Bonham. Yes. I'm going in to talk to Mr. Conklin for a moment. Mr. Conklin? Are you in trouble? Not at all. I'd rather not mention why I'm seeing him until after the interview. But if you'll wait right here, Miss Brooks, I think I'll have a pleasant surprise for you when I come out of his office. Surprise? Yes. Now wait right by that fire hose on the wall. I'll just be a few minutes. Don't worry, Mr. Boynton. Unless the hose catches on fire, I'll be here. Oh, I'm glad you waited for me, Miss Brooks. This hose is doubled over exactly 62 and a half times. Now, what's the surprise? Well, I knew how anxious you were to make this trip to Evanston, so when Miss Enright withdrew, I determined to prevail upon Mr. Conklin as originally planned. But there are only two tickets available, and Mr. Conklin's using one of them himself. I know that, Miss Brooks, but you're going anyhow. I am? Yes. I turned my ticket back to Mr. Conklin. What? Of course, he was a little timorous at first, but when I pointed out how helpful you could be to him, taking notes and typing and whatnot, he agreed to have you accompany him to the convention. But what about you, Mr. Boynton? Oh, don't worry about me. He is a bee over the weekend. I'll probably go on a shopping tour with Miss Enright. You really must excuse me, Mr. Boynton. This is the only traveling dress I own, and I've got to fix it up right away. Fix it up? What's wrong with it? That's obvious. It hasn't any coconut cream pie on it. Our Miss Brooks, starring Leigh Barden transcribe, was produced and directed by Larry Burns, written by Al Lewis with the music of Wilbur Hatch. Mr. Conklin was played by Gail Gordon. Others in tonight's cast were Jane Morgan, Dick Crenna, Bob Rockwell, Gloria McMillan, and Mary Jane Croft. Be sure to be with us next week for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks.