 Oh, we're rolling. Okay, Joe DeVito joins us. Finally, you're here. I know it's very exciting Can I call you the Italian Andy kindler? I would love it if you would call me there. You're the Italian Andy kindler You open for Andy. Yeah. Yeah a couple of times love Andy Who doesn't by the way? Have you heard his new podcast? No thought spiral. Oh God with J. Elvis Weinstein Have you heard this? No, we'll download it on my tunes Andy kindler and J. Elvis Weinstein Thought spiral. Wow. It's great. You know what? I said this to J. Elvis It's like my older brother has a friend over and he says you can come into my bedroom You can listen to us talk But you can't say anything deal. I'll take that right. That's what that's how I describe thought spiral All right, Joe DeVito. This is the first time you've done my show. It is it's very exciting So Dave I'm gonna introduce I'm gonna give him a proper introduction, right, right Joe DeVito clubs and colleges. Is that what you're going for? everywhere He plays at clubs at Jersey in the island Those are the old intros we used to get Joe DeVito has appeared on a late late show a couple times He's been on Comedy Central's live at Gotham. He was a semi-finalist on season five of NBC's last comic standing Chelsea Lately CNN's headline news animal planets wild 100 a regular on Fox News's red eye You've also had an another career before you're a journalist. You've written for Maxim MTV and You also appeared in the film super size. Well, I didn't appear in it. I did I did some punch-up stuff I'm friends with Morgan. I tell people that Morgan Spurlock Yeah, I tell people my name is so late in the credits. It's actually the last name you see before the next movie starts I like that movie a lot Yeah, I liked Super Jaime not Doug Benson. Oh, that's why I thought it was Doug Benson. Yeah, no the one about me just being very Jewish Super Jaime Super Jaime by the way, Doug was on the show When that first came out or he said you're not the only one That's the old Jesse Jackson line, right? I mean honey time Want to do I live there to I mean He didn't know that's what makes it so racist Well, it's not no because first of all his campaign manager was Jewish and They were referring to it as Jaime. No, that's the best. It's like when somebody says oh I'm gonna Jew him down and they have no idea that that's a completely derogatory Have had it said to me before like no, I just chewed him down and I'm like, yeah, I get it I get it, but they have no idea. They have no it. They're not even being racist They've just been taught that that's the correct word for bargaining Joe DeVito. Yes. Sorry. No, no I was I was just gonna No, no, I was gonna ask for a response to that little anti-Semitic the way you switch gears like that You're Italian yes, that is the correct pronunciation you're an Italian Italian I taught my kids that it's I Feel so guilty, but I taught my kids at a restaurant. They say I'll have the Italian dressing and I would tell my kids It's pronounced Italian and I just like to say that the Italian people Are some of the finest people I've ever met and I would hate for a few bad apples Thank you. All right. Here we go. We're getting right into it It's just seem like it. So here's my question. That's J.T. Spradlin. Yeah, who was an oil executive He was a multi-millionaire in real life in real life And I think he was I think my theory is he invested in the godfather and that's what that's how he got the part Well, he was brilliant. She's great for one second. Okay, so the with the hooker. Do you remember that same? Of course She was laughing we've done it before I Just don't remember And I just like to say before I leave these proceedings All right, so here's excuse me for one second. Mr. DeVito. We're gonna get we're gonna interview you I want you. I don't know how much We can do this, but you should just be here every Anytime you say something that sparks right, but it's gotta be the Godfather, of course That's what I'm saying. That's what I do in the Godfather. Okay. I'd like to ask the senator a question I've always been confused that he did he really kill the girl because you see is it Al neary in the background Yeah, so Al neary killed the girl and they set him up Well, I think they drugged him so he would be unconscious. Yeah. Yeah, and then I'm near you and they set him up Yeah, well, fortunately my brother freighter owns this place. So the girl had no relatives It's as if she never existed. What's left is our friendship. Yeah, that's what I look for in a woman and a friendship Do you have a woman? Oh? Oh, I had just going through a breakup You know, I don't even say going through a breakup because it was pretty definitively broken off a couple weeks ago But dealing with the aftermath is where I've been the past couple weeks He Joe's just tell me that he lives I can say you live in Long Island. No one's gonna come 35 fair lame Lane. Yes. Well, he would but you were just talking about having a relationship outside of Manhattan Did you guys live together? No, no, no, no It was it's unfortunate because we were friends for a long time and decided to give this a whirl and it was only five months but for me it was a big deal, you know, because I don't not really date, you know and So it's a bummer, you know, but I was thinking about that when I was walking around town here I was thought I don't know if I could you see all these beautiful New York women and I think it's a schlep Like even my hormones don't where was the girl? She lives in a story, but she was a Long Island girl, but but Astoria the women in Astoria are very sweet Yes, did you get a little of both? It's a it's a small town Yeah, those little cuz I'm a suburban guy and I would need so I need I need parking Totally important to me You're like Tony Monero meeting that girl in Manhattan. Yeah, and he knew we couldn't David Bowie Yeah, you know who came in the other day David Bowie I heard he's half a fag. No, he likes men and boys Sorry every movie I think now Supposedly if you go back and watch Saturday Night Fever, it's amazing. It's great It's like an independent movie with the Bee Gees. I watch it once a month problem, but I swear I love it It's it's that's a strange movie because every time I watch it. I feel like okay I remember this being a comedy before and then I watch again I'm like this is the saddest most tragic thing. Yeah, and then you watch again You're like this is hilarious. It's like the Godfather not the Godfather the Sopranos I didn't know the Sopranos was funny until my mother. I watched it with my mother and she's laughing hysterically Anyway, your mother's laughing like those are Italian people are hilarious They're almost human Anyway, so I taught my kids it's Italian People are Italian, but it's Italian dressing has nothing to do with Italy and I also taught them to call it Chinese town not China town and I think one day I was watching Family Guy and I think Peter refers to it as Chinese town Do they do it as a cutaway? I don't know remember that time and it's like yeah, remember this bit from every show So you've been on the late late show comedy sensuals live at Gotham last comic standing Yes, I haven't edited any new credits since the last time you run through the list. I'm going through the list How long you've been doing stand-up? This month's gonna be 16 years. It's crazy 16 years. Yeah You met this woman. Mm-hmm. She was your friend. Was she a comedian? Yes, that's So many bad decisions on my part one second Answer Repeat the question. Godfather. What's your name? I want them here. I want you here all the time It's Waltz Waltz My voice it's weak Sorry, so friend. Yeah friends. I yeah, well don't women There are some women who want to be friends first, right? I Suppose yeah, the strangest thing was that I never thought about her romantically until the end of last year and what happened a couple things I Knew her family moved away and she had nowhere to go for Thanksgiving and I thought she was desperate Again, this is the way I like them. No What I've done in the past is if there's comedian friends of mine who don't have family around I've invited them to Thanksgiving with my family. Uh-huh, and I asked her she was interested in that and she had other plans but I was in session with my therapist She said to me I noticed you keep bringing her name up And I thought oh and then I found a list of things that we'd made of attributes I was looking for in a partner and she was like 10 out of the 13th So I mentioned to her. Hey, would you like to date and she said yeah, but she's quite a bit younger than me, too A lot of bad choices on my part. It's unfortunate the Montreal Gazette Rated your performance 9.5 out of 10, which you include in your resume, which I love. Yes Well, you don't want to hear I know I know what I would say she's she's currently rating my performance significantly lower than 4.5 out of 10 or whatever it was I guess so what were the three things you said she was 10 out of 13 Yeah, so what were the three things she didn't have? Um, she didn't like cats I've been alone a long time. Okay By the way, I find that a virtue not liking cats. Go ahead. Some people do cats are murderers How dare you they murdered my they murdered my marriage go ahead. Hmm usually it's just birds, but a whole marriage mm-hmm You know, I think the the one that in retrospect was a person who had a lot of kindness and she does not have seen it Be particularly empathetic person. She's a comedian. Yeah, so you're looking for kindness. I know that was 11 That was that was one of the three. I agree with you about kindness is the most important thing Yeah, kindness is the most important thing. Yeah, I know exactly what you talk I broke up with somebody because I was like she wasn't a nice person Yeah, you know and it's it's strange because I look back now and I wonder Oh, did this idea had my head of this person was was it really her? Was it just something I created in my own mind again mine pointless mind games? I love to play with myself. So mm-hmm. And what was number three? I don't remember Don't remember, but the the other one number three was she had a good Good memory that was that was good in case I had misplaced Hey, so let's review the three things you're looking for mm-hmm, but she didn't have yes Number one was cats. We've talked about I'll get to cats You have to have cats, but it is I do like cats So that would have been how many cats do you have and I have any now But I had to have a cat to and then I had one for had one for 20 years And I swear the moment he died it dawned on me like I should have been having a wife and kids these Moments he died. I realized like I really wow. This was bad call. All right. Hang on for one second 20 years Fred Stoller was on the show last week. Love Fred Stoller I love Fred Stoller pick up his new Kindle single five minutes to just read it just read it the other day And very sensitively done to yeah Fred has a lot of surprises. That's about the HBO comic the young comics. Yeah, okay. Sorry the 1989 right right comedian special Okay, so we talked about Mitchell his cat. Yeah, who was who died at 20. Mm-hmm What was the name of your 20 year old cat? His name was nookie See now, I think you're healthier than Fred Stoller because my theory is that people who give human names to cats Are out of their mind. It is he's a nookie. He's not a human being came with that name But I didn't change it. I changed my cat's name and I named it What's your what's your cat's name Selena? Yeah, see Because it was killed by her personal no, that's what Batgirl cat woman's name is The problem with the human names is when the cat dies and then you have a little thing of ashes in your apartment And it says Steven on it. You look like a weirdo If it says fluffy people I will not be doing that cats Are the problem with America Okay sweeping sweeping statement everything that's wrong with this country. Yeah anything you don't understand How how subhuman we've become and then we go how is this possible? Mm-hmm. It's because of cats Cats are teaching us It's okay to be narcissistic Okay, that that that it's okay to change your mind and be spontaneous and be inscrutable When you say how is it possible? that One-quarter of children in America can go hungry and And we were okay with it. It's cuz of cats. It's because cats Have taught us not to care and because We feed our cats instead of feeding our children We have health care for cats well for humans because let me finish mister, and then I'll shut up I'm pointing. I'm angry because cats. I've seen this happen to people. I've seen this happen to women I've been in relationships, and I said she got a cat my shrink said that's it. You're done. Mm-hmm. She got a cat She's done with you because cats Can replace human contact? Yes. Well a Maybe if those kids would be a little bit more responsive to the laser pointer We could meet And and be those women the crazy cat women cannot help themselves because of the toxoplasmosis Parasite that's found in cat feces. It makes women and mimics the science of schizophrenia in women And that's why cat crazy. Do you have the crazy cat leg for real? I've done quite a bit of research into tax. Okay. Let's let's let's all calm down here for one second How dare you say it to me when I'm discussing parasites This is the most important thing in the world because my marriage was destroyed by cats because we had at any given time We had four cats who knew what they were doing who knew what they were doing any given time There were four cats in the house and then strays Taxo, so what is it called? Taxo toxoplasmosis now. I am convinced that my wife Was pregnant just so I had to change the course. Yeah Look it crosses the the the blood barrier into the fetus. You got to be careful. Yeah It's pretty amazing stuff. What this parasite does is it can only reproduce in the stomach of a cat So what it does is it makes itself and gets in food that's attractive to rats and mice And when they eat it it goes into their brain and messes with the chemistry of the brain So they're attracted to smell of cat urine so the rice that the slow down if you're going way too fast The parasite can only produce a cat's stomach. So how do you get into a cat's stomach? Well, what it does is it goes somewhere Where rats and mice like to eat like it gets into grains and stuff like that the rodents eat it when it's in their body It sends something to their brain that changes the part of their brain that usually makes them afraid of cat urine Which is self-preservation and makes them attracted to it So these mice and rats go to where this cat urine is which is where cats are cats eat them The parasite is in release in their stomach and it can reproduce its life cycle. Okay What is this thing about the urine? Who's not attracted to urine? The mice of course would avoid cat urine because that's the smell of where cats are but it changes it so they are attracted to it So it's pretty much sends them on a suicide mission There's a lot of parasites to do this actually in wasps and wasps of what they'll They'll take over the host body and put them in a position where they'll get eaten by something to carry on the parasites life cycle That's cool. It's invasion of the body snatchers. It really is. Yeah, it's zombies zombies. So it's a parasite that changes the thinking of a A rodent and in humans they believe it makes women Schizophrenic and men take unnecessary risks. I was listening to a lecture about it And they the researcher mentioned to a friend who works in a morgue and he said well You're not going to believe it a lot of the men we find who die in motorcycle accidents have toxoplasmosis They don't know why it makes men do that But so it goes to show nature is constantly a war with us. Anybody says we need to be in harmony with nature is crazy I Hang on by the way, I love you This is great. This is great. This is fucking I have a vast breadth of useless knowledge. No, you don't No, you don't okay. Let me let me review here. Thank you by the way Taxoplasmosis so what is it conceivable that I would have this parasite inside of me if I've been changing a cat box? Yeah Does it go away? It can't right as perhaps a parasite it stays forever. I think it stays until yeah until it for whatever reason dies or now when you say a Parasite yeah in me. Is he doing my bookings for my club dates? No, he's not clearing 10% That's a different kind of parasite 20 if it's a college parasite Get a little bit extra That's see now that goes to show you where there's morality because even toxoplasmosis Plasmosis parasite isn't like I can get you into a NACA showcase Costs you $1,300 Alex Thank you Thank you, Alex I'm in heaven. Okay. This is great. This is making my day This is so I it's conceivable that because I've had cats for yeah that that one is inside of me Seriously, I mean could I have a parasite would I know well as far as from what I understand that the the human biosphere is toxoplasmosis The parasite or is it some kind of venom that's inside? No, no, no, it's I guess I'm not sure how to say toxoplasmosis. I think is the condition, but the the parasite is a taxo Okay, toxoplasmosis parasite. I'm not sure what the correct ending of it is well. Would I see it in my stool? No, it's not like a tapeworm. It's not so just look I'm not gonna stop you from looking Okay That's you know you do what you got to do I Know I'm from how I hire somebody. Yeah, I'm just gonna say you might want to hold off and yelling. Hey come take a look at this I say hey come and take a look at this That's how sick this relationship. I have currently no so yeah If you have cats, it's changing the way you think is that what you're doing? Yeah It doesn't make sense. I never like cats and I have one and I am just completely Like a different person yeah about cats and her and the way I live. I think I agree. I mean, I think he's right It makes a lot of sense. I've been a different a completely changed person once I got that cat So they're aliens from don't you think cats are aliens? They've definitely figured us out My cat's pretty smart. Yeah, they're smart. I mean and I just love The awfulness of their attitude either you enjoy it or you don't because a friend of mine is an EMT told me he says that There's a lot of times someone will die at home And they'll find them days later with the loyal dog by the side and they say the cat eats your face Immediately really oh Without the moment you stop moving the cat chows down really yeah, yeah Why hasn't this been exposed? Why aren't they norm has a whole bit about this. Oh, yeah, it's special. Yeah special. Yeah, yeah Yeah, dog is your friend for life and a cat will eat you hmm the cats eat you when you're not waiting They're hungry. Do they across the board? I don't I don't know if they had a meeting of some why are they not having congressional hearings? Well, listen, they're they're predators. They're yeah, you know, that's why they're in that family They just I don't think they give a crap. It's just what they do. I and I love the attitude that My cat always acted like he was living in a hotel where the service wasn't as good That an animal With disappointment really and you really spend your time like what what can I do and they just I mean he rolled his eyes at me once It's very hurtful Are they capable are they capable of love? I well is anyone is my question these days I've learned a lot about myself over the past few weeks. Yeah, I mean I Guess what makes it nice with cats is when they are in the mood for affection It can't it's not like a dog is like everything's great You know a cat comes by on their own terms and you enjoy that but and they pet you they'll get on your chest Yeah, right and they will kind of need when they're in the mood They'll get on your chest and you and it is very exciting when they're purring, you know, you know, you It's like oh the cat likes me today. It's valid. It's a great day. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm getting validated by an animal that poops in a box Just even that alone the idea of here's my feces where you live Scoop them up, but it is kind of great that they know to pee in that box and they know right off the bat Yeah, it's amazing right off the bat. Yeah, that's why I knew he was losing his mind when he got old We just was pooping everywhere. Oh, that's when you know, I didn't take it personally Yeah, how do they know that I don't know they know because they want to bury their turds So other predators don't know that they're around so it's a way of hiding where they are It's like the opposite of when they pee to mark places they hide their poop so that it can be stealthy So when I Is the cat kneading my chest or is it trying to bury me because it thinks I'm a turd I can't get into specifics. I can't say what you and your cats relationship would be well They say they do that. It's mimicking stimulating the mammary gland in the mother before nursing So that's why they do that that that needing motion. That's why because because because what it's when they were kitten They would do that before nursing to stimulate the milk production in the mother's mammary gland. So it was a way to get the milk flowing Did you ever see that cartoon with that giant dog at one of the Warner Brothers cartoons like bugs money one with the Giant dog and the cat the little cat that used to do that on the dogs and he used to go crazy Like cuz he was you know hurting cuz the cat was kneading, but then he was like found it so adorable Mm-hmm. I don't remember that one. Is that the one who kept come asking for gravy. No Time I didn't forget the gravy. No, I thought that's what hang on for one second, you know, I Saw something like that in the newspaper my son at three was reading the funny papers Cat business again Okay, it's okay pop, it's okay I didn't want this video interviewing comedians you must be alive Senator Felman President film some other How many boxes do they have James Kahn standing on to look physically imposing? It was like five foot two all the yeah Can I be careless? You know I I want I have an idea Next week you just come in and just sit there And I introduce you I just say I'll do it every time just throw it throw it throw it at different characters I just think Corleone. I think it would just be funny just as a correspondent I Like talking in the microphone, I don't know what about I drink a lot more wine than I used to what if I do a Podcast about white powder Listen So they can't resist. I don't want it's all the schools. I don't want all the children Their own community the colors the doggies Their animals anyway let them lose their souls and then did you see what I had in this over? I had the guy from Caddyshack come in at my wife Stevenson, and he couldn't pronounce judge smells Never saw Caddyshack. He was colored boy And then he goes hey Fino, what do you say the smells we couldn't use the Smith's it smells You idiot like the one comedian I've ever met that's never seen Caddyshack Smith what is it? He had no idea what we're doing. I thought he'd be happy that we're Calling attention to the fact they say colored boy. I think he thought it was worse colored boy. Why are you little? Sorry Joe to Vino how many cats have you had through those credit run through those credits one more time? How many how many cats a magazine? I remember how many cats have you had in your lifetime? Can you name them all? Yeah? Well the two that I had were nookie and bell Nookie lasted 20 years bell died of a and oral cancer. Oh, that's smoking Bell died, you know if bell sounds like somebody who would smoke a lot. She did And those are the two I had and then my parents had patches for 18 years My parents had a cat for 18 years and a cat for 15 years And they have the little grave markers out and back and it's very creepy because they live so long It's like it's like Civil War tombstones because you grew up with cats. Yeah, we didn't have any pets I grew up in a town in Connecticut. We moved there from the Bronx when I was a kid It's town called New Milford up by Danbury. Okay, and they moved to Long Island about almost 20 years ago And were they outdoor cats or indoor indoor cats? Don't you think I have a new theory about cats. I Think you put a bell on them. Mm-hmm. You put a bell on bell And you let them go outside and murder That's what they do but but but if they have a bell It's a fair fight. I Feel like they work around it. Maybe they go after death birds or something. They do little reconnaissance Because the choice is if they're indoors, they're gonna murder your furniture. Yeah, so what? So great about your furniture. You can't declaw them. So so they do so they cares. What's what so great about furniture? You can't what are you my mother? This is how they have a man. Think about that. What's the matter with you? I Actually opened for Al Martino no, I'm not a fontain. Yeah, yeah I would imagine it was moments before he passed away. He was so old. Oh, he's is that yeah. Yeah, my voice. It's it's it's weak You ever see the sc TV version You can start by giving me some of that cheese. No, I can't throw it again Johnny Pavarotti He's going for the lasagna That's John candy. Yeah You know, I was I was on show the other day and we we did some like OTB type horse racing type stuff And I found OTB even exist. No, it's like two of them left. No, I don't think are you sure? There's one in Levittown long island. Oh, it's all everybody's OTB. It's off-track bedding and it's It's to give you an example. There used to be one in midtown And there was a restaurant attached to it called the Winner's Circle, which always made me laugh That's right by my house. I think it's on 2nd Avenue and 52nd. Yeah, I think so Yeah, because you tell you go to an OTB you won't find enough winners to make a triangle It is the most depressing place. Yes, it was I would be going there today because today is the preakness normally if it was No open I would have gone today. Yeah, but we were doing that killed OTB Well, because it was because it was run by the government and it just goes to show even the government couldn't make gambling work In inept the government is but we were doing that and I found that old Jack Walls Is that the name of the movie producer? Yeah, yeah, and I found as a joke. I sent that to my friends, but I realized like Like so many Godfather characters. I would watch a whole ridiculous sending it to them You'll get out of here. I like the TV edit where he says she was the best piece of stuff I ever had I Like in in Caddyshack, they change Rodney's line, too. We're like, hey everybody. We're all gonna take a shower Instead of getting laid. I love when they get so abstract. Well, of course to me the famous one is the diehard mr. Falcon instead of mother They say mr. Falcon. It's like, okay, you're introducing a new character And what and diet one of the diehards is diehard. Yeah, you said that I thought you yeah So you worked as a journalist for ten years. It was mostly advertising stuff. I did the journalism on the side I worked for a book of the month club Well, you wrote for maximum I wrote for maximum two. I wrote a couple articles. Did did you work with that guy? Who was the head that one who was dating Rose? McGowan is that her name was what's the hot girl that used to date Marilyn Manson? Yeah, that's her. Yeah, David something. I don't know because I obviously was a freelancer So it's pretty me to me to work with the editor. Are you worked at maximum? Yeah. Yeah, I wrote a Art of my best one was how to pick up girls the Holocaust Museum Yeah, I am serious you excuse me for one second Yeah, I had to go down there and you went down. It was a travel piece about DC and to meet Au pairs and how to pick up girls the Holocaust Museum But you must have gotten complaints, right? No got no complaints because I think I did it the right way where I kind of made myself look foolish So it wasn't that bad, but I will There were you pick up a girl that can pick up a girl at that museum I had this theory that only women can go men can't handle it Hmm women are better at handling this kind of horrible mess because they create they're smarter. I Don't know. They're just better at compartmentalizing. I think I Did but don't they do they go, oh, look at those shoes Well, no, I was trying to put it in a good way where I think like if you have two couples going to DC The women will say well, we should probably go to the Holocaust Museum. The men will go to the Air and Space Museum So there was a lot of and my theory was correct Well, it was a lot of women's fallacies we can learn about the moon landing or the Holocaust Both of which right inventive. Yes, they're all hoaxes. Yeah, but no I I what I found was there were a lot of women in there a lot of women a lot of Single girls going in just I mean because they don't seem to mind and I was I mean I was and they have couches It's it's candlelit in there. I mean if you are a horrible human You can absolutely pick up a girl in there. Really. This sounds like the fawns teaching Richie Women in the supermarket with the car. Oh my god That's my favorite one and he hits Richie with no he hits the font Richie's tries at me ends up hitting the Fonts with the card. That is one of the funniest. It's still makes me laugh I want to rain this in for one second because Sorry, I do a lot of Holocaust jokes on the show and I'm trying to cut back Because I kind of give yourself a budget Exceeded them I have so you there were no complaints. No, nobody complained and did you pick up a woman? I was Stalking I guess this is only play with like this one girl who was very attractive and I was going to and I just I think in the article I think I say because about 10 years ago that I couldn't do it couldn't bring myself to be that you can close it Yeah, I would too you can't if you're a human being especially a Jew It's just to you know, that's not right But it would be easy if I don't know maybe if I had game of some sort or yeah Just was a horrible human being Holocaust games very high-level You know what I'm gonna tell you I'm ashamed to tell you this There was a game we used to play in the house called Sophie's choice. I'm being serious because we had four cats always four cats and at least three dogs and my kids Would have friends over and I'd walk into a room and they'd be playing with the animals like oh Sophie's choice and they go Cody They would have to pick The low the low if you're talking about the pets or the friend who had a pet pick a pet But I was That's one way to prepare them to deal with loss Some test runs wrong like that's the truth. It's wrong, but it's also brilliant and it is only cats We have to keep remembering even though I worship my cat and everything. They are only cats I have to keep putting myself in my head My kids were watching South Park and family guy And I told somebody well, you know, what's the what are the bad things you used to do? We used to play Sophie's choice with the animals. It's really funny. Is that is that horrible? No, that's okay Nothing we used to do with the cat. We had a crazy Sammy and I would he was black and white and I'd play fetch with them. I'd literally Curl him up into a ball and he would Start purring. Yeah, and then I'd slide him down the hallway and he'd slide and Then he'd turn around and come back and come back to have it done again like that. Yeah, good thing going then Somebody said how did you do that to the cat? I said if he didn't like it, why do you keep coming back? I know I feel sometimes when I hear those articles and stuff of the way that people abuse Animals and stuff. I think about it all that makes me upset Men treat cats differently than women do. This is what I've noticed and then we'll change the subject men do not pet cats men Do deep tissue massage? That's true. I've never seen a woman. I Be interesting to see what Caitlyn does with a cat. I wonder if that changes with the Transitioning because when a man sees a cat my Caitlyn Jenner Caitlyn Jenner. Yeah, when a man sees a cat that Your first instinct is deep tissue massage if the cat scratches and bites We will leave the apartment covered. Yeah, it's game on. It's game on right and women go What are you doing? What are you doing? I had baseball mits Somebody said are you play softball? No, I play with my cat I used to like to to pet the head but hold the ears back so the eyes bulged out a little bit And then you usually do like a little movie dialogue I also used to do something and I told a friend of mine who had a cat too and I say I call it kitty bag pipe And he said I don't even know what that is But that sounds like something my wife would yell at me What I would do is I would hold the cat and I would pet him and when he purred at the right moment I would squeeze him And then you pretty much do that until they they attack you for your transgressions and rightfully so I'd be like I earn that one Frank Conniff has a book out About the trial of between him and his cats, but he was serious. He came in one morning to do the show and He's I said he had a band-aid on and I said what happened. He said Barney scratched me He was just sitting next to me Barney's his cat and he said he scratched me and I said what'd you do? He said I said fuck you Barney I Again, this is why I think cats are ruining America because we are in a Fake relationship with a living thing. It's not real and they replace human beings. You're so right I think that's why I haven't been in a relationship since I've had a cat. I Swear I mean it's like I they give you just enough humanity to to satiate you You get you know, they it feels good when they're next to you watching TV. They're warm. It's a combination For a guy. It's the combination of a blanket and a woman Who it's weird, you know, I've been trying to think of why I'm okay with like staying home on the weekends Now words used to get really depressed, you know years ago And I thought maybe it had something to do with the fact that there's so much to watch on TV and the internet and cell Phones and you're so connected that I thought maybe that was the reason but that all happened once I had a cat So I can't decide which is the reason why I'm not upset about not going out anymore Like that. I feel like I'm not missing something if you want to trace the decline of this country Shark the increase of cat ownership. We own them cat ownership Rises in direct relation to The popularity of tax cuts for the richest 1% I think you've lost your mind, I haven't I think there's also the appeal that the cat You know, you mentioned it gives you just enough of the emotional thing But it also lets you do enough caretaking to appeal to that part of yourself Exactly, you're eating something and keeping it warm when you should be taking care of the 25% of American children when you mention that that's yeah, I didn't think It gives you you exactly right why am I pampering this cat when there's a whole bunch of you, right? It's the same way that people think forwarding an online petition means they've actually done something It doesn't actually do anything in the real world, but it still releases Those endorphins and it gives them that sense of superiority that they've made a contribution in a way when all they've done is press a button Yeah, I haven't done anything right and I'm a vegan borderline vegan. Oh, you are that's why you order line personality border Side of the borderline are you on I'll have dairy occasionally and cheese. I don't understand vegan I just why how could you because I don't want death inside of me? I already am dead enough inside as it is I think that was my ex is leaving that stuff. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. Yeah, what do you mean? I was ridiculous being a vegetarian, but I don't can't say ridiculous without Saying it like I already done it. That's why I was doing it again Because I'm out of my position can't be made to look ridiculous. Now you'll get out of here You tell the Godfather. I ain't no bad leader. Yeah. How you hide that story? How's your uh, wait what's put it as he TV like how's yourselves very steak Tom? You like singing zucchini No, I I I'm a vegetarian slash vegan I love animals But they're not humans and before we start taking care of all these Animals, which we have to if you judge a society By how it takes care of the weakest among us. Yeah, the weakest among us Are human beings we have humans to take care of first don't hurt an animal. You should have a cat You should have a dog But what you're getting from that cat or dog well dogs. I like but No, no, I know exactly what you're talking about and you're completely right because when they have those commercials of the ASPCA I'm the really sad one. I have to turn them off. Yeah, but if they have the starving children Hey, it's what happens. That's a rough one to watch when you just sat down with the sandwich, right? No, it is tough, but I can keep it on. It doesn't bother me as much as the animals. What's the matter with me? Well, what does that say about us? Well, we're idiots you I feel like emotionally you have to draw a line somewhere or you you just Because of life is suffering for the most part and we're so lucky that we don't have to deal with it I think you know a friend might tell me said you know You're a real New Yorker the moment you step over a person lying in the street and without breaking your con your conversation You're having with somebody that and I've seen that and people visiting in New York who just be like my god You just stepped over another human being and you'd be like, oh, yeah, but you know, it's not really like that It's like well, it kind of is exactly like that. Yeah, you know, you're right there with that car crash that happened in Times Square the guy murdering those people If you look at the video on purpose. Yeah. Yeah, he will Cop to shoot him. So yeah, but he also was on a half PCP something like but he did do it on purpose. He was trying to but he's not with ISIS So it's okay. No, he has not so it's good. It's fine. Well, that's the way we have to look at it, right? But um, I saw people just kind of walking by like right well There's a picture of him some guy got lucky and there's a picture of him going crazy and the thing But you just see another guy and the car had just you know, barrels and people then you just see people just walking by in the photo Yeah, it's just like you got a place to be. Yeah. So yeah, this happens in Times Square all the time I have this theory That Trump has brought New York City Manhattan specifically to America The idea that you can walk over a homeless person in Manhattan and not think twice, which is true You cannot survive in Manhattan with empathy. Yeah, you'll get rung out two blocks You do you're doing that since I was 12 you do dad told me. Oh, you just step over. Yeah, it's it's emotional triage You have to say no, I can't I can't feed everybody. There's always gonna be homeless people There's always gonna be the poor that is a Manhattan mindset that Trump has brought to the country what he's also brought to this country is And and it's true There are no laws in Manhattan Not for white people The idea of a guy who pours cement in Manhattan It's Donald Trump poured cement in Manhattan and he built casinos in Atlantic City and Las Vegas But it was financed by Wall Street if you are surrounded by people who pour cement and Wall Street There are no laws yeah, because of all the corner cutting and dealmaking that needed just to get to that point Just make it make it. We'll worry about it later. Say anything. Just get this building built They'll bring in the inspectors and we'll pay them off and if we can't pay them off We'll pay the fines just if you get the bit they're not gonna knock the building down They're not gonna knock it down. So just make the building But in some ways that his thinking some ways I think that's one of the things I like about New York is that there's a sense of even just when it comes To crossing the street in New York. There's a sense of forget about what the lights are telling us It's like you think you can make it go for it You think you can get to that other side give it a shot That's why I've noticed when when I drive through Manhattan that the people who cause trouble are not the ones driving like lunatics It's it as long as you're all driving like lunatics. There's a flow to it It's the one person trying to be a decent human being that screws everything up Yeah, because they're so right it's not you're as long as you're all constantly trying to cut each other off There's sort of a flow to it when you're driving through and people are walking through red lights when you're driving Do you stop because I just keep going and I don't even beep. Yeah, and I go like no they're gonna move But but if somebody were to stop it's gonna cause trouble. Yeah, I feel like when you have the right of way Well, I don't run the person over but I do feel like I need to teach them a lesson That's what that's what I'm talking about but on the other side I've also been a pedestrian who Legitimately thought I could make a car stop by giving it a dirty look. Mm-hmm. That's how insane you get Yeah, I almost got hit by a car two days ago And I was crossing the street and I had easily five five ticks left on the thing and this car took a right turn And it went so close to me that I was aware of like oh that almost touched my face But I wasn't even it didn't even bother me and then I cross the street And I see two homeless people staring at me Slap jawed and they're like that car almost hit you and I was like, yeah, I really think said what are you gonna do? See, I think I don't want to get into New York versus the rest of the world But I do believe that this is a Manhattan phenomenon sure and it Through the prism of Trump in Manhattan You can say Anything to anybody and not get punched when I moved to San Francisco. I Once gave a trucker the finger somebody cut me off I gave the guy the finger and the guy followed he was gonna kill me. Yeah, what's the big deal? I gave you the F and finger, you know, it's but in New York, and I think that's what Trump Thinks is you can say I saw a like a 70 year old White woman, I think she was Italian in a moomoo screaming at a six-foot eight black guy Who was not cleaning up after his poodle? He had a little teacup and she's screaming. I'll kill you I'll kill you and he's going Yeah, and I'm thinking you can say With impunity this woman in the moomoo and slippers on the streets of Manhattan is Looking up at the six-foot eight guy going I'm gonna kill you if you don't clean up after this effing and he's gonna blow it out your ass like there's no violence It's just what's also that instant emotional acceleration where it goes straight to the top There's no back-and-forth of a build-up, but there's so many it's always I didn't mean it and people forget about it Yeah, in Manhattan. Yeah, but that doesn't apply anywhere else. No, it's considered a legitimate threat I was hanging out with a friend of mine who's a Brooklyn born and bred and We were getting ready to have dinner with her and a fiance and her kid was running around the kitchen And it made me laugh because she just went Michael stop it I'm gonna strangle you and to me that was so Italian the idea of like a Specific way you're going to kill your child and he didn't even care had no impact on him I'm like you just said you're going to strangle your child This is what I don't think people understand about Trump who has to be removed and he's a danger He goes into meet with Kislev and the Russian foreign minister He's making small. I just got rid of this comey guys a nut job He wasn't saying and now I'm free to do your services my Overlords my payment. He was just making New York small talk. Yeah, I just got rid of this cop. He's out of his He's a nut job. Can you believe it? How you guys do it? That's right Yeah, New York City small talk Well, I think that's why the Russians have been so confused by us because the Russians never do anything without thinking three-level chess Right, so they're the masters of strategy manipulation And I think they've looked at US foreign policy over the past 20 years or so and they're thinking What could this grand plan possibly be because we've just been sort of flailing But that's a good. Yeah, I think you're right about the New York differences like I've I've noticed and I also think like I know we're talking about Andy Kinler earlier. He doesn't like any jokes about the homeless fair enough But neither but I've learned in other parts of the country when you say homeless It means something very different outside of New York when when you're in New York Can you say a homeless man? People think crazy guy about a guy yelling stuff and threatening you and didn't in pan and being an aggressive panhandler That's what you think homeless means the rest of the country. They think oh that poor person lost their home So they think of someone who had a home. There was an event and now that person is no longer living in That's really interesting. It's a completely different view of what that word means So when you say a homeless guy was bothering me or something people from outside New York think they have a lot They have empathy for that person whereas we have trouble seeing that person as anything other than an emblem an engram of what that word means Hmm used to be bum River yeah a Tramp Journalism yes Tell me about your journalism. Well, I wrote a story for Maxim about testicle implants or pets Nuticles, yes That's true. Yeah, they make because for a while For a while you couldn't get them for men and people were buying the animal ones to get put in and these the guy the guy Of course was complete loony tunes at an interview But he said he made them for cats dogs horses and bulls and he said the dogs know that when the animal has an empty Sack at the dog run like he has confidence issues. Oh, so that's what he said So I said all right my cats fix what if I got those bull balls and put them in Would that give them a lift and the guy got mad at me and he was like, yeah, you know, it's good The idea of like you're not taking these silicon to pet implants serious Where do you get the nudicles to talk to a man like me? that's on a voice So I did that but for my let's go back to nudicles, okay Do they lick their nudicles? It's inside to them. I believe there's their do they have a taste they taste like because I Yeah, but you lick your balls I don't know if they're really it's not like you can get flavors of them. It was more talking about having never lived a pair of balls I can tell a pair of new I know the scent of my balls, but I do too. I think that's that's taken a very odd turn Yeah, well All right, okay, so you wrote about the nudicles. I thought it was a cosmetic thing I thought it was a lot of Beverly Hills types and Manhattan types who were shamed that their dog didn't have testicles Yeah, is that what it was about? I think so because I said there was a oh you said that guy said the guy said that Yeah, I don't know sense to me But you know, I think it's but I know so many people who's whose dogs have lost it leg and once they come out of the anesthesia They're kind of they don't worry about it. That's true. I Don't know then so what was your article about my article was just about an interview with the guy and Dogs don't have confidence issues. They're either alphas or betas And it's ingrained or do they change can a dog suddenly become an alpha? Yeah, I think it depends on who and where you are we're in the pack. Yeah, Cody became an alpha Cody was a beta And then he eventually became an alpha and then that's what happens to alpha animals when they get replaced They usually just have to go off somewhere and die. Oh they kind of done Once you're an alpha, you can't go back to being a baby No, because then then the guys who replace you know that you're nothing but a threat So they kick your ass out suppose they sense that you're just getting old not a lot of compassion in the animal world I don't think there's like a pension program for old lions What about they just give you a corner office? You come in just punch a clock. You write it out. You move to Florida It is really like corporate America, isn't it? It's exactly like well, I think it's corporate America really is like that Like the animal kingdom. Yeah We're animals Animals anyway, let them lose this holes What did you do before maximum in terms of journalism? I did you want did you want to be a Reporter for like not really because well my thing in college was I wrote for the school newspaper. So that's where That was my main benefit of going to college was that I learned to Write well and do it under deadline and all that kind of stuff. I Finished college in 90s. There was a recession going on so there really wasn't much happening and I lived in small town, Connecticut and I was very immature So I use that as an opportunity to grow my hair out and play in rock bands and stuff and sell pot and work in a video Store and stuff like that and I regret none of that by the way Would you have worked at a newspaper if you could have you know, I tried in the local newspapers Weren't interested but you look back a local newspaper as five employees who've been there for a hundred years They don't want someone who's coming one winning a journalism awards and stuff like that You know what you're out. I got lucky in the sense that I'm not a very good writer like I don't know the you know, I'm not smart in the I got lucky that the magazines kind of changed when I got out of school I got a school four years earlier and that they I would never have been able to write for a magazine like U.S. World of News reported or the Times or something like that, but then Publications like Maxim and kind of dumbed it down Yeah, I was able to write like I talk and that made all the difference I would never have been able to write because I don't know whether I told you this but one time this girl had me write for Backstage West magazine because she knew I wrote for Maxim and she wanted me to interview this guy who I'd seen in this Broadway show And said nobody in LA knows about Broadway. I was the perfect guy to do it So it was just a Q&A but the first three paragraphs were supposed to be written like a journalist She must have sent it back to me four or five times all and she's like I don't understand how you got a job at Maxim because I didn't have yeah that news So what where when why how yeah paragraph? Yeah, it was very obvious That'll help me a lot when I went into advertising writing and I know advertising writing helped me with comedy because way before Twitter I would have someone say you only have a certain number of letters in this headline to To compel somebody to do something and we I worked on a little ad agency We had boring boring products industrial stuff writing brochures for like the thing that went into the machine that made the plastic for a pen and And that and that helped me because you learned word economy and things like that That's the one thing that drives me nuts about new comics is you just listen listen to them Blathering on and It's like no one stops them. No one takes them aside and tells them. No, you're not a storyteller You're bullshit. Oh, I'm Serious, it just drives me nuts because it's so self-indulgent. I don't know I don't know if it still goes on, but I remember a couple years ago There was a big phase where everyone was like come see my one-person show and you're like, oh god It's just you mean I'm gonna watch you for an hour with not even trying punch lines Right gonna happen. Yeah, plus a lot of the new comes like you said there You know, they see Louie and they're like, yeah I just do all new material every month I throw it out because that's what Louie does and they're not Louie. Yeah at all. I agree with they're throwing that material out But I'd rather they did it before we had to hear it. It's bad in that sense. Okay, I Find this interesting because I run with the 20-somethings. I've noticed something I think it's pre I always filtered through politics and The anxieties of influence as they call it. I don't think you can look at what's going on without Understanding the anxieties of influence. That's not my term. It's an old term, but We do things because of the air we're breathing. I think during the Obama administration they We had a very generous forgiving country and these comics who I was running with They were doing open mics trying new material and I said that bit worked. Why aren't you doing that again? It's old kind of like what you're just saying. Yeah, I said, don't you want to build an act? No, I don't need an act I just want to keep Build an act and yeah, it's not like that anymore I don't think it's a remember it used to take when we first start when all of us first start like it used to take Seven years to be good and now you can be good in like six months or whatever you consider good to go to the next level It's it's completely different let alone the but it's better the little The little the girls the really pretty girls that think they're comics now that are younger They're so interesting because they they know how to work social media. So it makes it look like they are complete I'm like, well that girl's doing really well like no, she's not doing well She just it just looks like she's doing well social media She knows how to work it and then they come out, you know, they're not good comics Of course, they get work because they're pretty but they know how to work to social media So they'll be like the yeah, I'm you know working with instead of saying opening Whatever they know how to work just the right way is the danger you're running into you're like the second chair violinist at the New York Philharmonic who doesn't understand Bob Dylan because the young comics are doing something completely different than what yeah doing yeah, it's it's it's it's we don't understand It's very personal and they're saving comedy because it's so personal because We're doing We're doing John Phillips who's a marching music. They're doing folk songs. It's very personal Yeah, it's very and that's what people are hungering for that's why an unfunny person can be a comedian They'll come out and see you even though you don't know comedic theory the same way Bob Dylan didn't know musical theory, but it's so personal and It's all about The audience falling in love with the person like none of them like drink anymore. They don't hang out You know, it's it is really a different don't get me wrong. I hate them, but only because only because of their youth Yeah Yeah, it is a strange thing because I you know I started this in 2001 was I was 32 years old So I was kind of old to be yeah starting this Yeah, and I look back to when we my group used to do the open mics and stuff like that We all sort of thought well We just want to go up and have our jokes work and now when I stop in the open mics I hear the young comics talking about industry and Montreal and it's like well, you don't have two jokes yet So to me that seems odd, but I understand what you say music and you got it The analog is the music industry. Yeah, it's nirvana cracking everything open and for you and then and then Sharing and all that stuff. No, what I'm saying is when when we start I was gonna say when we said they didn't even have it open mics, right? Get out of the clubs. I didn't have the word open. Well, no, you had everything was closed You had a close the door to get in get a close the door We didn't still we didn't have a word called open back when I was but we just had to go to the clubs and wait around It was horrible. Yeah, and it that doesn't mean it was good because I didn't say that Yeah, you know, you know, we're open might you don't want to romanticize deprivation because to compare it to music I think of there's a band. I love called sonics from sonics rendezvous band it was a guy from the MC five and They were an amazing band But because no one signed them all we have officially released by them as one single who played kick out the jams That's the MC five. Okay, Jerry Stahl turned me on to great stuff. So now it's like It's the price you pay a great band now has within their own hands to distribute their music and that's great The problem is it means you're saturated with a lot of not great bands who are able to do the same thing And I think that's can I just media maybe I sound like an old guy But in my day my father used to come home drunk He would beat my mother and say to the kids see what you make me do and then we'd cower in the corner Hoping he wasn't gonna beat me and then we'd go to sleep and we'd wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of my father beating my mother and drinking and smashing things and That's what made me funny and strong and good No, I'm what I'm saying is and that's a end up with iTunes I mean again, it's romanticizing horror because because we're resilient we always have to say We have to be forgiving of our pet our past. I can't read are we wrapping it up? The minute I start talking about beating Well, I joke you'll come back. I would love to this is a lot of fun You know talking about, you know old comedy like this. It's kind of fun. Yeah, the best. Well, I I worry about Being hostile towards Young people here. Here's what I do. I do too. I know what you're talking about, right? The thing about Millennials though, I will say this about them now that Trump is president. I think comedy is gonna change The Millennials who started doing comedy under Obama You know the cliche they all got a trophy everybody gets a trophy everybody I did something Mommy I made a duty look at it. Oh, that's beautiful son. Here's a trophy. I Think those days are over and I think it's gonna show up in comedy I think the audiences are gonna change Because audiences always do change and they're gonna demand something else Hopefully older folks. Well, that's never gonna be the case. I know that's never gonna be the case But I don't want people talking about the six million dollar man and how great that I Know what's so impressive about a man costing six million dollars like that's your regular health care What did you get your dear spleen removed congratulations? Had an eye All right, let's plug some gigs. I believe David you have a Podcast I have a podcast the Dave Jessica podcast the David. I'm also doing a benefit shown June 14th I put together this benefit show for the big brother's big sisters organization at Gotham Comedy Club I had to do it first to get out to some community service to get out of some trouble, but now yes, it is true What'd you do? I Lested a little boy. He was impersonating a big sister. I've asked to be a big sister, but they will not let me do that No, I changed my license plate to Reflect a different number to park on the street Expected Make the long story short you changed your license. Yes I put some Play-Doh on it and I made an eight and not a nine and eight But a cop caught you not for a year. No the cop didn't come to the guy. I had that number caught me It never occurred to me somebody in Jersey had that number That's like that that's how thieves get caught that never occurred to me Somebody had that plate number that I made up so they made you do community service I had to do community service to I had to go to jail for a little bit But I had to go to jail just for like a couple of days. Did you wow tombs? Really? Yeah, but I'm I figured out when I was there. I seem to go to jail every 15 years You're like a criminal cicada I heard you also had hand in your honk if you love Jesus bumpers You have to come back and talk about blowing all those guys and How quickly do you have to start blowing guys? No, you don't because I was like after a while I was like the senior tenon so they were all coming to me, you know being older They were like they figured I was a white crime guy and I could probably help them get out I was like the birdie maid off of the cell how many days in jail just to this time But there was a prop, you know when I went to court I thought I was gonna get four months because it was forgery and identity theft But my guy who lives in my building knew the judge and Totally he was like, oh, we're gonna be good. I got the good fellas boys will be boys. It was amazing He was like so as long as you don't do anything stupid. I think we're good And then he goes to my lawyer he gives him the thumbs up good good. Really? Yeah, I swear to God I swear to God and this guy. It's like a 76 year old guy in my building. He helped me out Yeah, he went to the cop Trump. This is how Trump this is deals It's great being a white person in Manhattan. I mean there's really no problem. I'm a Michael Flynn. He's a good guy He made a mistake. Come on. This is why Trump. I it's hard to dislike I know you're gonna rip, but I'm just saying it's like this is the way I would run the country Uh-huh. I'm an idiot. This is the way I would do stuff. I'm like, yeah, let's fight that guy He's a troublemaker. He's a nut job. It's a nut job How I run it to go to jail for making a license plate when you think yeah, right? Oh, I didn't even think about that I can't believe nobody's ever fought that up before the opposite great Great You'll come back. I will I will follow me at at Joe DeVito comedy on Twitter. That's like what I got for you Oh, thank you for all kinds of links and stuff. I want to thank Alex Brazil for setting the show up I'd like to thank Alex too. He's a nice boy. He's got Alex has excellent taste in comedy does he really does and You and I don't know each other. I Feel like we do now. We know we I know but I didn't know who you were and just a nice guy I know and Alex had trust me Alex had trust me and wow. All right, Joe DeVito DEV Ito and what's your website Joe DeVito comm funny website, but I love the sparkles on your Thank you guys