 Preface of Autobiography of an Actress or 8 Years on the Stage This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kelly Taylor Autobiography of an Actress by Anna Cora-Mollett Preface My autobiography needs no preface. Its apology is a promise made to one who had the best right to demand such a pledge that before I retired from the profession I had adopted I would publish a record of my life's experiences A promise now rendered sacred by that instinct which makes the honored memory of the dead a trust with all the living If one struggling sister in the great human family while listening to the history of my life gain courage to meet the brave, severest trials if she learn to look upon them as blessings in disguise if she be strengthened in the performance of daily duties however hardly paid if she be inspired with faith in the power imparted to a strong will whose end is good then I am amply rewarded for my labor Anna Cora-Mollett Ravenswood, New York December 7th, 1853 End of Preface Chapter 1 of Autobiography of an Actress or 8 Years on the Stage This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kelly Taylor Autobiography of an Actress by Anna Cora-Mollett Chapter 1 My father Samuel G. Ogden of New York was the son of an Episcopal clergyman. For a number of years my father's name was prominent in the community as that of a successful merchant. He was the capitalist in the celebrated Miranda expedition which was designated to liberate South America. This expedition owed its failure to the treachery and ambition of Aaron Burr who, finding his own views interfered with, betrayed his friend Colonel Smith and informed the Spanish minister at Philadelphia of the purposes of that expedition. The minister sent to the Spanish main a Baltimore clipper which gave warning to the authorities. The Spanish Briggs of War were dispatched to intercept the expedition and action took place between these Briggs and the ship Leander belonging to my father and two Schooners. The Schooners were captured, a portion of the men hung and the rest imprisoned. General Miranda, who was on board of the Leander, beat off the two Briggs of War, went to Trinidad, got reinforcements and with 400 men took possession of the town of Corot on the Spanish coast. He remained there for 10 or 12 days and only retreated because he found the inhabitants were not prepared to join him. Colonel Smith, the son-in-law of President Adams and my father were prosecuted for having fitted out an expedition against a power of enmity with the United States. The trial was a highly interesting one. Thomas Adus Emmett, Cadwalader D. Colson, Josiah Ogden Hoffman and Richard Harrison were their counsel. The defendants were honorably acquitted. Although this expedition failed, it was the first blow struck for liberty and led to the subsequent independence of South America. Bolivar himself made this declaration and expressed a readiness to compensate my father for his heavy losses. My mother, Eliza Ogden, was a daughter of Francis Lewis and the granddaughter of that Francis Lewis whose signature is affixed to the Declaration of Independence. My earliest recollections are of a beautiful old country seat called La Castagne and situated two miles from Bordeaux in France. My parents were resigning in Bordeaux at the time of my birth but removed to La Castagne when I was only a few months old. My father's commercial transactions caused him to pass some 11 years abroad. During this period four daughters were born, of whom I was the second. I have dim but most delightful remembrances of La Castagne which come to me like half-forgotten dreams. I remember a magnificent terrace where we children used to frolic. A beautiful walk called Allée de Amour lined with tall trees whose branches met and formed a bower over the head. A large pond surrounded with statues and filled with fishes which it was our daily delight to feed. A gaily painted pleasure boat always floating on the pond. A grotto called Calypso's grotto, a miniature waterfall, our great wonder and admiration, the whole place of very Eden of fruits and flowers. The following description of La Castagne is furnished to me by my brother Charles to aid in my imperfect recollections of the beautiful spot that we first called home. Though so many years have passed since we dwelt there I find no difficulty in picturing to mind every scene of La Castagne the delightful residence of our earlier years where life was one joyous holiday. I only fear I may fail in the description you requested me. La Castagne is situated in the parish of Beglace about two miles from the gates of Bordeaux. Its name was derived from a row of large horse chestnut trees which are thus called in patois and which spread along the little stream that formed the boundary of one of the sides of this elegant country seat. The whole property extended over about 30 acres situated on a sloping ground at the foot of which ran a beautiful rivulet that separated it from the adjoining residence. All the rest was enclosed by a high stone wall of eight feet. The dwelling or château which contained 22 rooms was built of stone and brick, was on the highest part of the ground and overlooked a pleasant landscape. In front was a beautiful Jordan anglais of which considerable extent and compromising every variety of floral productions the magnificent tulips especially are fresh in my mind. In the center of this was a bower of lovely form which was the frequent evening resort of our assembled family and running the whole length of the château and flower garden were several rows of shady plantains or plain trees whose smooth bark had often been disfigured by the carved ditties of loving swains. The whole formed a level terrace of about four acres and a stone abutement encircled one side of it which was elevated 20 feet from the gardens below. In the rear of the main dwelling was an extensive lawn around which were situated the outhouses also a stone and comprising first the dwellings of our peasants then the wine buildings, stables and granaries which formed two sides and on the third side were extensive accommodations for poultry whose dwelling, surmounted by fenceful pigeon house was in a yard furnished with cherry trees for their a special benefit. There were also an aviary and apartments for rabbits guinea pigs and other small quarterpins. Extending from the rear of these buildings were 11 acres of vineyard from which were made annually about 30 casks of wine then by the side of the aviary but below the terrace was an extensive orchard which was furnished in abundance every variety of delicious fruits of that sunny climb. Immediately adjoining was a large vegetable garden and the whole remainder of the lands consisted of parks, fields and meadows enclosed by beautiful alleys cultivated with great care. One of these alleys Antoinette was particularly curious the trees regular on each side and uniting in an arch were trimmed so artistically that scarcely a leaf ventured to grow beyond its limited barrier. Here no ray of sun could penetrate on the warmest day and then there was the alleys d'amour another romantic walk besides a number of others partaking of the same peculiarity and affording shade in almost every direction. At the foot of the slope were a cluster of trees a basket of wilder character than the rest and this was called Calypso's grotto in the center covered with green moss were seats one more elevated than the others in the quiet of this secluded spot no sound to break its silvan solitude but the warbling of wild birds who in happy security had chosen this favorite home and the constant murmur of a cascade in the rivulet I have already mentioned which flowed beneath the grotto one could almost fancy that Calypso with her nymphs had indeed dwelt there and there sat listening to grave mentor whilst her eyes were beaming with love for the youthful Telemachus but I must not forget one of the chief beauties of La Custania its whole length being traversed by a water course originating in a clear and beautiful spring covered over with an arch dome of masonry a lovely place that Narcissus might have made his constant resort surrounded as it was with beautiful lilies which reflected in a limpid fountain seemed to remind one that the melancholy youth had in truth been there and there pined away the water then flowed through a stone canal to a circular pond of considerable depth this place called the Levoire was deposited to useful purposes and was the particular resort of ducks and washer women thence a canal led across the gardens to the opposite extremity of the grounds where it emptied into another and more extensive pond forming a sheet of water about 400 yards in length and one-third the breadth but this was devoted exclusively to pleasure its banks were supported by stonework and ornamented with statuary of much taste a sailing boat was ever ready for water excursions and several weeping willows afforded a pleasant shade for the angler it abounded in several species of fish particularly the carp running through a diminutive forest the water thence emptied into the rivulet spoken of before during our residence at La Castagna there was but one winter cold enough to form ice in the pond this once it lasted several days and afforded good skating a recreation quite novel to the citizens of Bordeaux La Castagna became then the resort of most of the English and American residents of the city and the pond presented a scene of liveliness and fashion seldom equaled there were good skaters even among the ladies and our southern neighbors of Vigiles were particularly charmed with this rare sport I will not undertake to describe the many joyous scenes of our country life such as the harvesting, the May Day and birthday festivals or our Christmas frolics but one of these annual customs deserves a passing notice and that is the Vendages or Mouin making it was usual in the month of September according to the maturity of the grapes to fix a day when our neighbors were all informed that our Vendages would commence when this day arrived the peasants of all the neighboring country seats flopped to La Castagne and all were diligently employed in the business of winemaking the women and a portion of the men salate forth merrily into the vineyards with their baskets and carefully gathered the grapes as each basket was filled it was brought in on their heads balanced as only these peasants can balance their burden and there was an actual emulation as to which could most frequently return with his or her basket filled another portion of the men would be occupied in pressing or rather trembling the grapes barefooted and their trousers rolled up they danced about in a large reservoir which was the receptacle of the contents of each basket as it successively arrived and the gleeful song kept time with the wine stained legs as the juice of the grape flowed beneath the tuneful tramp often I have joined this merry party and barefooted help to express the wine the advantage of using feet is that they yield to the stem and seeds and the grape only is crushed without their bitterness mixing with the pure juice from this reservoir the wine is constantly carried into large cuviz where it undergoes fermentation and is in time further prepared for the table this gay scene with us usually occupied three days and all who came to assist were entertained with a plentiful collation serving on long tables on the green lawn where the day was closed with the happy peasants dance the fiddler being a regular attendant at each vindage as the neighboring estates each had in turn their festival our peasants went to assist them and were treated with the same joyful cheer till the round was completed next to La Custania some of our pleasantest reminiscences are of St. Foy a small fortified town encircled by a high wall with its ancient cathedral and its antiquated college and situated on the romantic banks of the Limpid Dordogne we had numerous pets at La Custania and those I can well remember the ones most prized by me chance not to be of a very poetical class no other than a certain young family of guinea pigs whose number had an indefinite increase fortunately there were deaths now and then amongst them and I have a very distinct recollection of the funeral obsequies paid to these very beloved favorites we were then five brothers and seven sisters we used to form ourselves into a procession of mourners two of the boys carried on their shoulders a rude box for a coffin containing the dead body of the favorite covered with a white pall over which were strewn fresh flowers the procession was headed by our third brother Charles who carried a huge bell which he told with considerable violence as the procession moved on at the grave the box was placed in the earth and the beveled toller who was quite celebrated amongst us for his powers of oratory delivered a flowery and moving address to which we listened with profound attention making all due efforts to shed tears at the proper places the earth was then shoveled in and we all ran off to play or perhaps to look forward with some excitement to the decease of the next favorite we had one custom amongst us I presume a French origin which has also left a deep impression on the anniversary of the birthday of our parents we all assembled early in the morning to await their entrance into the breakfast room every child had a little cadeau to offer the elder ones generally presented scrolls containing verses sometimes copied, sometimes original and the younger ones bouquets of violence the verses were inscribed on large sheets of papers surrounded by drawings of wreaths of flowers and other devices and were styled les compliments when our parents appeared we went up to them in turn according to our ages proudly offering our compliments and receiving kisses and words of encouragement in return praises which made the day a jubilee I remember when I could not have been more than five years old growing very weary in an effort to copy verses in a large round hand to be presented on one of these birthday anniversaries after a deal of blotting and scratching and beginning anew they were finished at last I can see them now as they lay before me written on a huge sheet nicely rolled up tied with gay ribbons ready to be offered baby almost as I was I experienced a sensation of pride and delight which has not often been surpassed after many years the performance of private plays seems to have been the favorite amusement of my elder brothers and sisters I can only remember one of these occasions the one on which I made my own debut the play represented was Othello translated into French my eldest sister enacted Desdemona my eldest brother Othello the second sister Amelia the second brother Cassio doubling the part with that of the uncle the third brother Iago doubling the part with that of the judge the other brothers and sisters filled the remaining characters in the French version however the Dermatis personae are not the same as in the Othello of Shakespeare the variation from the original text are in some instances of the most comical nature a difficulty occurred about the judges in the trial scene our dramatic core proved insufficient to furnish judges to supply this vacancy before younger children were summoned dressed in red gowns and white wigs made to sit on high benches and instructed to pay great attention and not to laugh of these children I was the youngest and at five years old in the sedate and solemn character of a judge upon a mimic stage I made my first appearance in the profession of which it was the permission of the divine provenance that I should one day in reality become a member the festivities of that night were in honor of my father's birthday the evening commenced with the christening of the youngest child the play succeeded and a ball closed the night or rather ushered in the morning on the same night a similar version of Othello was enacted at the theater royal the great successor of the great Talma one of our friends attended both representation the ayago of our troupe confidently asked this gentleman whether the performance at the theater royal at all which are home delineations the exact answer returned is not on record but the ambitious young questioner presumed that there could be one reply I cannot recollect the performances of my elder brothers and sisters but I have heard that they displayed remarkable dramatic talent this talent does not appear to have been inherited my father merely appreciated the afro performances without having a passion for them my beloved mother was brought up in a school too rigid to inspire any particular love for the stage she enjoyed a good play in common with other persons of cultivation and taste but never joined in any private performance nor appeared very frequently in public I have often tried to discover the source when sprang the power of representation which seems to run through one branch of the family but without success nor can my father throw any light upon the subject before leaving France the family removed to Bordeaux but I can scarcely call to mind that city I only remember the public gardens where we used to play the deep grass covered hollow in their center called le bassin around which we daily danced in a ring with a host of little French children and I recollect some of our merry French games but nothing else I was in my seventh year when we embarked from Bordeaux for New York in the ship Brant even at this day I cannot think of that dreadful voyage without a shutter the terrible crash with which we were early one morning waked from sleep still sounds in my ears the ship was pitching so violently that we children could scarcely hold ourselves in our births one little sister was thrown out and bruised against the great dinner table the water was pouring down the companion way and threatened to flood the whole cabin my brother Charles at my earnest request furnishes me with his recollections of the voyage and shipwreck which I insert we left St. Foy to join the remainder of our family on our return to America we sailed from Bordeaux in the ship Brant Captain Steinauer and on the 17th September we left the river and passed the Tour de Corrovan at the month of the Gironde a place we had before visited in some of our summer excursions to the seashore the Tour de Corrovan is built on a rock far out in the sea and for six months of the year is often unapproachable on account of the boisterous waves that wash its base the family living there and who have charge of the revolving light have then no communication with the external world for a length of time in summer the rock is dry and is often visited the building which is of square stone was erected during the reign of Henri Cotter and is 400 feet above the level of the sea the lower part contains apartments for every sort of artisanship and a spiral stairway of 365 steps relieved at intervals by large Gothic chambers conducts to the top where one can examine the curious mechanism of a revolving light of intense brilliancy that sends its warning for many and many a league the adventurous mariner in that fearful Bay of Biscay on one side the view extends far over the fertile valley of the Gironde whilst on the other it reaches only the infinite blue of this turbulent bay we had the usual quantity of storms and boisterous weather in making our way out of the Bay of Biscay the Brent was a good ship perhaps too deeply laden there was a large saloon on the after-deck where all our meals were served and which was our social hall our family on board consisted of our parents seven sisters one of whom was married and three brothers there were, besides those, other passengers on the afternoon of 30th September being then nearly off the western islands we experienced a tremendous gale from the northwest that evening we were all assembled in the salon for the last time all night the storm continued with increasing violence on the first of October our two younger brothers, one ten the other twelve years of age who slept in the state room with me having, like all others on board, spent a restless night they chose at the dawn of day and went on deck the officer on duty bade them not to remain there and they went into the salon where it was thought there was at least safety at about half past six there was a terrible deafening crash the sound of which breaking upon drowsy ears still reverberates in my mind the vessel had been struck on the larbored bow a tremendous wave which crossing her from stem to stern rent up everything and completely swept our decks whilst it threw the ship with her beam ends in the sea the caboose longboat and water cask cables and everything amid ships her bulwarks and every particle of the salon were violently shattered and washed away the deck around the companion way and the forecastle hatch completely torn up making the whole ship a wreck indeed the mast alone were uninjured fortunately she soon rided my thought was of course for my brothers knowing that they had gone on deck and as soon as possible I rushed up half clad up the companion way here a scene of desolation presented itself again to attempt to describe the naked decks with nothing but the mast standing the rig flying in every direction the bulwarks destroyed and presenting no barrier to the sea which with every roll of the vessel washed over the deck and down into the cabin then the waves mounting high and with foaming fury that seemed every moment to threaten destruction as the gusty blasts howling through the rigging were a fit dirge for the impending fate I could not reach the deck struck with awe and wonder I looked around for some living being to tell me of my brothers too soon alas the sad tale was revealed a sturdy seaman our second mate whose honest heart had made him a fit with us was seen cramped to the rigging about midships and drawing something out of the sea presently our youngest brother appeared and as the mate reached me and placed his almost inanimate form in my arms he pointed a stern and said the other is lost I looked and on a crested billow vast receding and already far from us I caught a momentary glimpse the last a poor Gabriel I subsequently learned from the mate that when the vessel first rided he saw Gabriel in the sea having hold of a fragment of the Jolly boat he seized a rope and threw it to him the boy let go his boat and swam to the rope but it sank before he could catch it he then turned to his boat again and was beyond the reach of assistance before any could be rendered the mate then saw the youngest brother also overboard and clinging to the main sheet which was hanging over the side every roll of the ship taking him under water his effort to save him was successful though to loosen his hold he had much difficulty besides these five men were washed overboard but were all providentially saved by the efforts of the counter wave and but two seriously injured one had broken his leg a sad duty had now devolved upon me as I appeared below with the half-drowned boy in my arms and met the affrighted members of the family who by this time had collected in the main cabin to their anxious inquiries and to those of a distressed mother it was my painful task to repeat the awful words of the brave sailor the other is lost I cannot depict the anguish of that moment though our cabin was deluge with water and threatening danger seemed each instant to hurry us all into eternity one loud lamentation for him who perhaps had only for a brief period gone before escaped every bosom and sorrow absorbed the sense of peril but all thoughts now turned to the fond mother whose agonized heart more keenly than any other felt this poignant loss her big swollen grief surpassed the power of utterance she stood aghast nor had she speech nor tears to give relief excessive woe suppressed the rising grief throughout the day the storm continued with unabated fury our disabled vessel lay to the sport of every wave for a while we scutted as night set in she was again struck by an immense sea which taking her in the stern stove in our dead lights and deluge the cabin again whilst on deck it severely injured several persons almost killing the helmsman besides breaking the wheel the ship was again hove too and through that long night part of the next day each hour appearing more fearful than the last wind and waves seemed to contend with undemissioned violence as to which should strike the fatal blow that would end our struggles and completely demolish our already unsafe vessel at length after 48 hours continuance the storm abated once more a bright sun appeared and hope smiled upon us through its cheering rays some time was spent in such repairs as could be made and it was decided, the wind being westerly that we should put back for the nearest port in Europe all our livestock and fresh provisions being washed away with the entire supply of cooking utensils it was fortunate that among the private stores in the cabin we had a quantity of French conserves pâté de perigaux de foie gras and so forth but these luxuries became exceedingly distasteful when they constituted our cheap food for several days on the fifth day we encountered a craft that supplied us with some bread and a barrel of potatoes as well as an iron kettle never shall I forget the delightful relish that those potatoes proved to have after we had remained so long without the means of cooking anything the wind being favorable as we entered the British Channel we continued our course and reached Alve on the 9th October the rent was reported at Alve and the anxious surprise of our elder brother who was residing there soon brought him on board the meeting with an afflicted mother opened afresh her lacerated heart no word was spoken our dismantled ship and the one missing form too plainly told the sad tale the brant was necessarily abandoned and on the 15th October we sailed for New York in the packet ship Queen Mob we had a long passage of 40 days with much boisterous weather but nothing worthy of particular note occurred save the loss of one of our crew it was ere the dawn of day a western gale had partially subsided and the wind came only in gust two men were ordered to let out a wreath in the spanker one of them a sailor whose fine appearance and handsome happy countenance had often attracted the attention of the passengers was on the extreme end of the boom when it suddenly jerked by a fitful blast so violently as to throw both men off the one at the end falling into the sea immediately the cry ran through the ship all hands ahoy, a man overboard and ringing through the cabin sent a thrill in every heart that made each slumberer leap to his feet the captain was quickly on deck and many half-clad passengers rushing from their births followed him the ship was hoved to as rapidly as possible and the mate with two seamen jumped into the stern boat there was no hesitation the word was given, let go and the frail bark struck the sea it was a noble sight to see these three men periling their own lives in a rough sea to save a fellow creature they plied their oars in the wake of the ship and were soon out of sight silently and anxiously we watched for them upwards of an hour when the mourn began to wave her purple wings we described the boat returning as soon as they were within sound they were hailed by the captain with an all well breathlessly we listened for a reply a mournful no was echoed back and as the brave fellows ascended the deck an emotion of sympathy was felt for their noble daring and a silent tear moistened the eye for the fate of their former companion New York was in future to be our permanent abode for a time everything seemed strange to the younger children we could understand but very little English and American children with whom we could not converse seemed dull companions in comparison with our merry little playmates of les jardins public my thoughts were always wandering back through the pleasant places we had left and I longed to exchange the red brick walls for the green trees and beautiful gardens shall we never return must we live here always were questions often asked with childish eagerness but never satisfactorily answered then came school days with their busy round of joys and cares joys less perfect than those of after years and cares that press heavily on the child's unstrengthened heart as life cares on that of matured but courageous womanhood so at least I thought and still think soon after our arrival in New York we were placed at Miss O'Kill's boarding school and there I appeared for the second time on a mimic stage it was in a little French play I do not even recollect its name performed after a public examination of the scholars for the amusement of the parents and guardians my sister Matilda and I were entrusted with important parts and won many praises for a long period I did not entirely recover from the consequences of the sea voyage and its terrible excitements and my school days were frequently interrupted by fits of illness I was however permitted to read as much as I chose and availed myself amply of the privilege I read anything and everything I could find of poetry I was never tired and at ten years old I had read the whole of Shakespeare's plays many times over my reading was not guided I was allowed to take any book I chose French or English from my father's library when I look back on some of the works which I peruse with avidity at that early age I can hardly believe it possible that a child could have waded through them or called out meaning enough to render the subjects interesting I amused myself by writing also and fancied that I wrote poetry because I made the ends of the lines rhyme every marriage or birth or death or exciting circumstance that occurred in the family invariably furnished me with a subject all my deeper feelings spontaneously expressed themselves in verse I used to sit for hours stringing dog roll together and longing to show it to somebody who would be sure to say that the verses were very beautiful I seldom had the courage to exhibit these infantile productions but laid little plots to secure their being seen sometimes I would leave a copy of the verses on the floor in some of my brother's rooms or on the nursery mental piece or write them on the walls in the garden which at one period were covered over with rhymes I seldom got praise for any of these effusions and I doubt whether they deserved any praise though I at the time imagined them very fine one day I let fall a little poem as I designated it in the room of one of my brothers and soon after perceived him coming out of his apartment with the paper in his hand he went downstairs and unperceived I stole softly after him when he entered the drawing room where my father was sitting I dropped down the last step where my heart was beating so painfully that I could scarcely breathe I could hear him say just read this papa it is some of Anna's nonsense I sat still too much agitated to move but not able to overhear what passed until the words came to me in my father's voice I wish you would call her I sprang up to take myself to flight but my brother had opened the door before I could disappear I was summoned I entered the room like a culprit who had been guilty of some heavier crime than that of murdering English and perpetrating bad poetry did you write these lines yourself inquired my father in his usual kind tone yes I answered are you sure that nobody helped you are you sure that you did not get them out of some book I replied indignantly that they were my own I was beginning to be elated by the idea that probably I had produced something wonderful after all they are not very good grammar said my father but they are quite pretty for all that who knows what my little chicken may turn out one of these days he added caressing me these were the very first words of praise that had ever been bestowed upon what I wrote I felt inclined to cry for joy but my brother took the lines and began pointing out the flagrant mistakes in meter, in grammar, in sense and I snatched the paper out of his hands and ran away my childish heart was full of conflicting emotions delight at my father's approval fixation with my brother shame at my own ignorance in writing so incorrectly for a long period after I kept everything I wrote carefully locked up and made a bonfire when my store accumulated beyond my bounds at school I was too wild too ungovernably gay to gain the highest honors I learned with great rapidity anything I fancied the marks I got from my studies were too often counter balanced by the bad marks I received for talking making the other girls laugh or disobeying rules I and one of my younger sisters were constantly convicted of being ring leaders in all mischief which had merriment for its end I was generally at the head or very near the head of classes for reading, recitation of poetry mythology, history, physiology mental philosophy, etc but invariably at the foot of grammar, arithmetic, algebra the multiplication table I never succeeded in learning sums in the rule of three and French verbs were my childhood's misery I considered them invented from my own particular torment I got into the more deep disgrace on these points because I was tolerably bright in other respects during a portion of our school day probation two sisters and I were placed at a boarding school in New Rochelle there I was really unhappy I had but one source of consolation and delight the little garden which I was permitted to plant and call my own we each were given a bit of ground about four foot square and allowed to work there a short time every day these were the only happy hours I can remember amongst the many lonely and miserable ones that made up that year nor were these miseries imaginary we were harshly treated punished for the slightest infringement of the most severe rules inadequately fed and deprived of all pleasures but a formal walk every afternoon a short intermission twice a day at which we were forbidden to make any noise and the much prized and delightful garden digging when I was 12 years old we were summoned home our father's house seemed paradise indeed from the contrast we once more became day scholars in good schools and marry as uncaged linens our favorite amusement continued to be the enacting of plays and reciting poetical dialogues I soon became the stage manager and director of all these dramatic performances and was called upon to write fresh scenes add in new characters or alter the denouements according to the fancies of our whimsical little core sometimes we invented the plots of these plays or selected them from incidents in history chose characters dressed for them and improvised the dialogues and the scenes during the performance we did not care particularly for audiences they generally consisted of our schoolmates or any accidental visitors and very often we had no audience at all these plays merely took the place of other childish games and afforded an intellectual excitement as well as an amusement I was 14 years old when I conceived the project of appearing some grand celebration in honor of our father's birthday we should enact a standard play a real play it should be studied and produced with great care the friends of our elder sisters and our parents should be invited as well as our own for once we would act before grown up people and on a great occasion the play selected because it required no scenery and only such characters as we could readily feel with the assistance of some school friends was Voltaire's Alzère translated into English all our male characters were represented by young girls for our brothers had passed the days when they could have been persuaded to wear the sock and buskin amongst juveniles our parents would not have allowed us to supply their places with anyone but those of our own sex a great difficulty arose in procuring costumes for the Spanish and Moorish heroes a difficulty which came near ruining our project Mr. Simpson the excellent and gentlemanly manager of the park theater with his delightful family lived opposite we had no acquaintance with them beyond bowing to the children on the street it was proposed however that three or four of the most confident of our number should pay a visit to Mrs. Simpson and beg her to use her influence with her husband to lend us certain costumes from the wardrobe of the theater Mrs. Simpson received us very kindly I was made spokesman on the occasion and but for her sweet face and gentle manners the difficulty in making known the wishes of our youthful committee evidently much amused at our enthusiasm she promised that we should have the dresses in return we invited her children to be present at the performance we had many a great many rehearsals some before our parents and elder sisters who after witnessing one of these consented to invite their friends when the play concluded the evening was to end with a ball the performance was to take place in the back drawing room to supply the place of scenery it was hung round with crimson curtains through which we were to make our entrances and exalts the audience were to sit in rows in the front drawing room we had a drop curtain and a prompter who stood ready with his book and bell or rather her book and bell for she was a young lady to mark the division of acts by the falling of the curtain of course there would be no change of scene the audience was supposed to courteously imagine when we were talking by moonlight in a wood or by torchlight in a prison or by daylight in a lady's boudoir the eventful evening so anxiously expected by our little troop came and with it a host of visitors they were presented with a neatly written program at the door and seated in a manner to allow the old people and children a close proximity to the stage a program had been written by a talented friend miss Anna L. Putnam the sister of the publisher to be spoken by our youngest little sister Julia then scarcely four years old she was my pupil and I had cause to be proud of her I think I was more anxious that she should quit herself brilliantly that I should perform my own part with a claw her talent for the stage even at that age was a marvel she did not speak with parrot-like precision as though the words had been taught to her but uttered them as though she comprehended them and knew their full value and gave them a meaning of their own the curtain rose and she came tripping forward unchadowed by the touch of fear around rosey lovely child with a look full of intellect and a grace which no art could teach on her fair curling hair we had placed a wreath of rosebud and leaves and she wore a little white dress looped up with pink ribbons her recitation of the prologue seemed to me perfection and those who were better judges and still remember it say that no poem could have been more effectively delivered her presence of mind must have been something remarkable for the curtain not falling at the right moment she prettily repeated over the last lines kissing her hand and curtsying three or four times as she backed up the stage with the knowledge of a veteran artist this had not been taught to her as soon as we could catch her in our arms she was almost smothered with kisses but she was a calm self-possessed little creature free from all vanity and did not appear in the least excited she had played her part well and only wanted to escape into the drawing room to sit on her mother's knee and watch the others perform the play went off with great ecla as the tears of the audience flowed as freely as their applause amply testified I enacted the part of Al-Zir and succeeded in losing my own identity in that of the heroine my father came behind the scenes when the play was over and his words of commendation sank deep in my heart I wondered if I really deserved them and if other people would say the same our stage dresses were quickly laid aside for the ball costume and the evening ended in dancing and great hilarity strange to say, up to this period I had visited a theater but once and that only a few weeks before our birthday fits for some years our parents and their children had all attended the church of Dr. E now Bishop E I went to Sunday school with my sisters twice every Sunday at first as pupil and then as teacher I had a species of enthusiastic admiration and reverence for Bishop E I loved to see him enter the Sunday school I loved to hear him in the pulpit and was happier all day if he accidentally bestowed upon me a passing word he disapproved of theaters he pronounced them the loads of sin and wickedness it never occurred to me to inquire what he really knew of theaters but I entrusted him implicitly in his supposed information I determined that I never would enter such a dreadful place my sisters went now and then with our father but in spite of my decided passion for plays and for acting the thought of the imaginary monsters of evil which I was certainly to behold kept me away Fanny Kimball was then taking her farewell of the stage her name was on everybody's lips her praises echoed from all sides I read critiques of her acting in the papers and heard her talked of as a most devoted daughter and a truly excellent woman I could not help longing to see her but the old objections were strong within me and I was afraid of being laughed at if I confessed that my interest in the woman made me willing to enter such a place as I supposed the theater to be to see the actress her last engagement was drawing to a close my sisters had witnessed several of her performances and constantly mentioned them with delight one morning my father overtook us as we were walking to school he accosted my elder sister with I am going to take seats to see Fanny Kimball tonight in the hunchback, would you like to go? she of course answered in the affirmative I looked at my father longing for him to ask me but I had too often cried down the theater with childish violence and quoted Dr. E. as an authority I dared not request that my father would take me just as he was leaving us he said carelessly and so you Anna are never going I could not resist the temptation and answered in a faltering voice I should like to see Fanny Kimball just once oh you have changed your mind very well I shall take a seat for you tonight with his reply that day you were the studies to which I attended I could think of nothing but the theater and do nothing but long for evening to come it did come at last after a day that seemed like a week and to the theater we went when we entered the boxes my first sensation was that of bewilderment at the crowd the lights the music the sea of expected faces beneath us in the pit and mounting in waves around us and above yet I did not quite forget that there must be some sin and wickedness which I could not comprehend and I believe I even asked my father to have the goodness to point out the harm he might have told me what I learned in after years that the harm consisted in the perversion of good to evil in abuses which have nothing to do with the drama itself in the poison which evil minds like spiders draw from the rose when the bee sucks nothing but honey the curtain ascended and I was all eyes and ears Fanny Kimball appeared in the second scene and I thought I had never beheld any creature so perfectly bewitching the tones of her voice were richest music and her dark flashing eyes seemed to penetrate my very soul her Clifford why don't you speak to me made me start from my seat her do it to master Walter electrified me as indeed it did the whole audience the play was a reality from beginning to the end and I laughed and wept immoderately after the drama the two Mrs. Wheatley danced a pas de deux since beheld the finest European ballet dancers none ever made the delightful impressions that those chastely graceful girls left upon my mind I little thought that in after years I should have the pleasure of becoming acquainted with them no longer children but most refined and accomplished ladies exemplary wives one of them a mother and both gracing the high spear in which they move their stage garments have long since been laid aside but the stage needs no better defense than the blameless lives of these two admirable and lovely women and their mother all my prejudices against the theater melted into thin air with this first night but I went very seldom not more than three or four times I think while I remained at school end of chapter one chapter two of autobiography of an actress by Anna Cora Mallett this LibriVox recording is in the public domain recording by Kelly Taylor I must go back to my 13th year to relate one of the most important incidents of my life the one which was to govern my whole future existence my eldest sister Charlotte with her two little children passed the summer at Rockaway for the enjoyment of the seed bathing among the guest at Rock Hall was James Mallett of New York a young barrister of education and fortune he was much charmed with my sister imagining her to be a youthful widow this mistake she never discovered until his admiration was expressed in open terms when informed that he was addressing a married woman his chagrin was so great that she laughingly consoled him by saying oh I have plenty of young sisters at home and one of them very much resembles me call upon me in New York and I will make you acquainted with her in a few weeks she returned to the city Mr. Mallett made a delay in paying his respects the school which four of us children attended was directly opposite our residence while we were in the midst of our studies one day a messenger came to say that the eldest of the school girl sisters must come home she was the one that strikingly resembled our sister Charlotte I ask the servant if anything had happened she replied no that there was only a gentleman in the drawing room who entreated that my sister might be sent for I had heard Mr. Mallett much talked of in the family and felt a childish curiosity to see him without permission I accompanied my sister home and watched her while her beautiful hair was recurled and her school dress laid aside for a more becoming a tire she was ushered into the drawing and I of course dared not enter after waiting about a half an hour I remembered that I had received no permission to leave school and certain visions of black marks rising up before me I thought it judicious to return but to go back without having seen this much talked of bow I could not do that I would enter the drawing room on some pretext after hesitating a while I opened the door ran across the room threw down my satchel of school books upon the center table as though that must be their proper place gave one look toward the sofa and ran out again who is that I heard the gentleman exclaim only one of the children from the nursery answered my eldest sister do call her back he urged my sister came to the door and called out as I was flying up the stairs tolerably frightened at what I had done Anna Anna come back and speak to Mr. Mallet I don't care for Mr. Mallet was the saucy reply that reached his ears and a way I went a servant was sent to summon me but I refused to comply I waited until I heard the gentleman take his leave hurried downstairs to return to school Mr. Mallet was standing at the foot of the street door steps and placed himself in front of me with extended arms there was no retreat and he kept me prisoner for some time I was indeed wayward bold and wild a self will imp a grand damn's child and half a plague and half a jest I was still endured beloved caressed and I answered his many questions with saucy merry frankness every now and then imploring to be freed finding he would not consent I watched my opportunity suddenly slip beneath his arm and ran across the street to school I well remember the expression of his face as I looked back laughing heartily at the astonishment of my disconfited jailer I have very many times heard Mr. Mallet describe this first interview to his friends particularly to Mary how it of London and I only regret that I cannot convey his impression in the same language soon after he left the house he encountered an intimate acquaintance the subject turned upon courtship and matrimony his friend ask him how long he intended to remain bachelor not long he replied if a little girl whom I saw today would only grow up he then related what had taken place and added emphatically I feel as though I should never marry unless I marry that child I have often heard him repeat his having used these words and quote in connection with them Moore's beautiful lines oh there are looks and tones that dart an instant stun shine through the heart as though the soul that moment caught some object it through life had sought from that moment he conceived the project of educating me to suit his own views of gaining my affection and the instant I was old enough to be considered marriageable of taking me to his own home as my wife his visits to the family became very frequent he always inquired from me but I was generally at school or studying my lessons or having gone to bed and he was constantly frustrated in his desire to see me but his perseverance comprehended no discouragement our school was now changed we were placed at metham chagaries to be instructed and our way to school which was about a half a mile distance from our home we regularly encountered Mr. Mawet he would walk beside me carry my books and slate and question me about my studies sometimes he made them clearer to me and very soon under the stimulus of his suggestions my ambition to become an accomplished scholar was aroused now and then I would propose to my sisters for mischief and I owed that he might miss us but after a couple of days he discovered the stratagem and stationed one of his clerks to watch which street we took he was always thus instantly apprised if we were going different ways I thought it very grand to have so devoted a lover and played the tyrant at thirteen and fourteen to my heart's content yet I owed almost entirely to Mr. Mawet the rapid progress that I made in my studies at these ages he directed my reading furnished me with books examined all my compositions and what I thought most delightful of all supplied me with an endless quantity of flowers as a species of reward for my industry he was present at my performance of Al Zaire and was naturally the most enthusiastic where all were enthusiastic the next morning he determined to offer himself although I was not yet fifteen it was Saturday and there was no school he called very early and asked particularly for me while my sisters were making their toilette I hastened to the parlor in my morning dress I was eager to listen to the praises of my past night's efforts but I was not more disappointed than astonished when the gentlemen awaiting me convinced a serious conversation without making the slightest solution to the play I only comprehended enough to be alarmed I did not reply but jumping up called my sister Charlotte to come downstairs quickly she did so inquiring what was the matter of course this was an unanswerable question and the situation of two of the parties concerned must have been particularly ludicrous when Mr. Woodmall left I told her what had passed she laughed and said he was making sport of me because I was such a forward child but the sport proved earnest and what I refused to listen to that day was conveyed to me by letter the next a schoolgirl of fourteen pondering over a love letter an offer of marriage from a man many years her senior it was in itself an amusing situation yet I found it a painful one I carried the important document to one of my sisters the next to the eldest and making her a promise secrecy place the letter in her hands she read it without comment well and what are you going to do she inquired at its conclusion get you to help me write an answer and tell him I am too young to marry anybody and say something about friendship and all that sort of thing because I do like him very much she told me I must write the letter myself and she would correct it she could do nothing more I went to the nursery for ludicrous as it sounds I still belong to the nursery slept there and there kept my books and writing materials and to the nursery I took my love letter I began an answer and tore it up and began another and another and at last succeeded in writing a page of nonsense which I thought very good since I took it to my sister to read she pronounced that it would do and the letter was sent by post its effect however was very different from what we anticipated Mr. Mawit merely laughed at what he considered girlish shyness he increased rather than diminish the number of his visits and assumed the bearing of an accepted instead of rejected lover this went on for some time and he took frequent opportunities of assuring me that he would never be made to comprehend the meaning of the word no it was a safe way to woo a child and when I was within a few weeks of 15 the no was forgotten and a yes had taken its place my father's consent was asked he could find no objection to Mr. Mawit and made my extreme youth the only barrier he replied that if we both remained of the same mind until I was 17 he would give his sanction to our union meantime Mr. Mawit might continue his visits and see me as often as any other gentlemen this answer did not satisfy a lover whose principal object was to direct the whole education of the girl he married but my all in treaties to give any other especially as I was the most sickly of his children and greatly needed a mother's care at 15 I left school and took drawing and music lessons at home only studying whatever Mr. Mawit requested the next winner I was with an elder sister to be introduced into society this was his particular dread and he made up his mind that I should become his wife before that winter arrived for six months his arguments to persuade me to leave my father's house were used in vain once I barely nearly consented and upon that half consent he built such confident hopes that the next morning all arrangements were made in the house of his sister-in-law for the performance of the nuptial ceremony the necessary witnesses were assembled and a carriage stood at the door to be dispatched for the clergyman the moment I arrived a young friend who was to act as bridesmaid came for me but in spite of her persuasions and remonstruses she had to return alone and dismiss the expectant bridal party September came and the ball season was shortly to commence a party was to be given again this year in honor of my father's birthday October 17th and we were to enact another play the morning bride was selected but there being no character in which the talents of our gifted little sister Julia could be displayed I was called upon to write a part the only way I could devise was to furnish Zara with a child which child certainly proved a most wise energetic and talkative personage the author would I fancy have been somewhat astonished and amused at the novel introduction for weeks scarcely anything was talked of but costumes and rehearsals and scenic effects and I found more pleasure than ever in conducting the stage management I was to enact one of the two heroines but our merry preparations were doomed to have a sudden interruption I was pain to find that Mr. Mawit no longer enjoyed his daily visits he had become gloomy and discontented he did not like the prospect of my entering into the gay world he was convinced that with my lively and excitable temperament I would soon abandon my studies and be wholly engrossed by social identities I would either be lost to him or so completely spoiled by my too early intercourse with society that his hopes concerning me could never be realized then he was no favorite with my family in general they did not approve of my premature engagement he was constantly subjected to slights and annoyances to which a man of spirit could ill submit he made me feel that he was unhappy and daily becoming more so more earnestly than ever he entreated me to become his wife without further delay I proposed that we should again attempt to obtain my father's sanction but that Mr. Mawit pronounced useless for a long time I resisted his persuasions but at last when he didn't treat me I was so much grieved by the painfulness of his position and the sight of his deepening melancholy that of my own free will I gave him a promise that we should be united within a week young as I was and totally incapable of appreciating the importance of the step I was taking I did not come to this determination without much suffering earthly could have shaken my resolution I did not dread my mother's anger for I had never seen her lovely face distorted by passion I had never heard her voice raised to an angry tone I was sure of her tenderness sure of her pardon I had more fear of my father but I was a favorite child he had ever been most indulgent he was seldom vexed with me trusted to his love and believed that he would easily be reconciled to me in spite of my disobedience I was not marrying a man to whom he had refused his consent I was only anticipating the two years during which he thought it necessary for me to wait I readily argued myself into the belief that I should be forgiven the play for which we were nearly prepared and the ball those had to be given up but I could not relinquish all thoughts of them without great regret at the disappointment which I knew my sisters would experience what was I to do and who was to aid me I could not leave my father's house alone I could not be married without a bridal wardrobe these were huge barriers to be surmounted but I went resolutely to work determined to overcome them I first confided my secret to whom I was most intimate to whom I was much attached I entreated her to accompany me when I left my home and she consented then I went to my sister Matilda with whom I was most intimate after making her solemnly promise that she would not betray me I told her that I intended to be married privately within a week she was very much startled and overcome she used arguments and treaties prayers to dissuade me she tried to convince me that I would not be forgiven that I might reprint through my whole life the step that I was so rashly taking my only answer was I have promised and I cannot break my word you have promised and cannot betray me finding that I was not to be moved she concluded that the wisest plan was to lend me every assistance in her power reluctantly and sadly against her better judgment she promised me her services we were sorely puzzled how to procure a wardrobe and a wardrobe seemed to us indispensable the first difficulty was how to obtain the money to purchase one and the next how to have the materials made up when they were bought I had a few valuable diamonds and emeralds I did not care for jewelry why should we not try to sell them and my gold watch we had heard of three golden balls hanging over shops where people went to pledge various articles for money we would hunt out one of those places and pawn the watch we preferred that course to selling it because it was an ornament I prized and thus could be reclaimed early in the morning we started on our errand to raise funds the diamonds and emeralds were easily disposed of at about one tenth part of their value the jeweler who bought them scanned us very narrowly and asked a few questions indignant at his implied doubts I looked him steadily in the face and said they are my own sir I can do with them what I like whether he believed me or not he was silenced he took the jewels and counted out the money I have forgotten the exact sum but we thought it a fortune after this we strolled down the bowery in search of a pawn brokers a sign of the three golden balls soon told us that we had found one scarcely had we entered the gloomy looking shop the shutters of which were half closed when we both became dreadfully frightened we should have hastily retreated but the jewish looking man who kept the place rose up from behind a dark counter and accosted us I held out the watch too much alarm to utter a word do you want money on this he asked roughly yes how much as much as possible the man laughed and asked if thirty dollars would do anything would have done that we might get away and we both replied yes yes he examined the watch very closely and said come in here young ladies pointing to an inner apartment we hesitated don't go don't go whispered my sister and we neither moved come in that I might give you a receipt and you may sign your names in my book continued the man he had the watch and we felt that we must comply very tremulously and holding each other's hands we entered the room my sister being the elder he gave her a pin and told her to write down her name and address she stood a moment perfectly bewildered at the necessity of making known our names and then handed the pin to me I tried to assume a great deal of dignity and seating myself at the table wrote Mrs. James which in a few days would be a portion of my name I forget whether or not I invented a local habitation for the anticipated name the man read the name looked at the little girl who wrote it and seemed very much like she was searching Klein to burst into a fit of laughter he however restrained himself gave us the money and a receipt for the watch and we hurried out of his shop with far more rapid steps than we had entered all the necessities for a wardrobe were next to be purchased it was raining in torrents we were very much fatigued and feeling quite rich hired carriage that could be found for several hours we drove about shopping as long as our money lasted and filling the carriage with our purchases amongst other things I insisted upon buying a large wax doll to comfort little Julia in my absence and a huge basket full of sugar plums for the other children which I hoped would have a similar consolatory effect rather juvenile bridal purchases we could not drive home in the carriage without being questioned we left our parcels at a confectioners very near our house dismissed the carriage gave orders that the bundle should be sent to our number addressed to the nursery made who was to accompany me on my bridal expedition and walked home the next question was how could the newly purchased wardrobe be made up there was no resource but to make it ourselves with the assistance of the nursery made but at what time could this be accomplished without our being seen it must be at night we must work instead of sleeping my sister slept alone in a small room beneath the nursery and there we proposed to meet we arranged to retire early and as soon as the house was quiet the nursery made an eye would still cautiously to my sister's room and we would sit up until daylight and so another difficulty sprang up my mother was in the habit of visiting the nursery once or twice every night and seeing that the children were well covered and rested quietly if my little bed in the corner should be found empty search would of course be made for me but we were not baffled yet we made a figure of rags dressed it in my night clothes put a cap on the head and turned the face to the wall taking care that the shoulders were nicely covered my mother would think I was sleeping and not disturbed me the plot succeeded night after night for five or six nights we three sat up cutting out, fitting sewing, making our needles lie with a scarcely credible rapidity we were too much excited to grow sleepy and accomplished an amount of work which now seems wonderful at daybreak we went on tiptoe to our beds after carefully concealing the lay figure that my weary limbs might take its place at length the 6th of October came the day on which I proposed to be married my slender wardrobe was completed all our arrangements made the day dawned magnificently everything looked propitious it might well be said of that day as of the new life which it commenced her dawn was bright with some beams whence was drawn a sure prognostic that the day would not unclouded pass away there had been some difficulty in procuring a clergyman to perform the ceremony Mr. Mawat first approached Bishop Anderdonk but he knew my father well he had children of his own it was not a good example to set them he preferred that some other clergyman should be selected I desired that Dr. E whose church I attended and in whose Sunday school I had been a scholar for some years and was then a teacher should be asked he also refused a third refusal came from Dr. J Mr. Mawat nothing daunted then applied to the Reverend Mr. V the French pastor this gentleman's own had been a runaway marriage therefore he could not object he consented the bridal party were requested to assemble at his house at ten o'clock my sister dressed me in a plain white Cambric dress my little straw bonnet chance to be trimmed with white ribbons and the veil and white gloves which we had purchased she carried rolled in her handkerchief they were not to be put on till we were out of sight of the house I kissed my father before he went out I felt myself becoming so agitated that it was well he was in haste and did not notice me just as I was opening the street door my mother came into the entry and I kissed her also she remarked my white dress and asked if I were not too lightly cloud for such a cold weather I answered that I felt quite warm and she allowed me to depart my poor sister I think suffered even more than I did the blame was all to fall on her she had done her utmost to dissuade me and now had to assist in depriving herself of a beloved companion for being next to each in other in age we were very closely united in affection I could not thank her at the time but her unselfishness touched me deeply we left the house and turning the first corner threw the bridal veil over my bonnet gave me the white gloves and begged me to try and look composed before I met Mr. Mowat and his friends wonderfully composed I was of the future I did not even think my only grief was it leaving my parents my sisters, my home leaving the love which had still been true for the love which was untried to what could a girl of 15 know of the sacred duties of a wife with what eyes could she contemplate the new and important life into which she was entering she had known nothing but her childhood had scarcely convinced her girlhood what could she comprehend of the cries, the cares the hopes, the responsibilities of womanhood I thought of none of these things I had always been lighthearted to a degree that savored of frivolity I usually made a jest of everything yet I did not look upon this matter as a frolic I only remembered that I was keeping a promise I had perfect faith in the tenderness of him to whom I confided myself I did not in the least realize the novelty of my own situation at St. John's Park Mr. Mawet and his two groomsmen I took his arm and we walked to the house of Reverend Mr. V my sister and the gentlemen following we were ushered into the drawing room Mr. V entered in his robes he of course did not know which of the sisters was the bride he took his seat, opened a large register and asked the names and the ages of the parties about to be married when I replied in giving my name he looked at me steadily and with some surprise your age he inquired fifteen he put down his pen and repeated the question for a few seconds he seemed doubtful whether he ought to proceed I was thought to look younger even in my years and I was dressed in a childlike manner which probably made me appear younger still the law sanctions the marriage of a girl of fifteen and he could not make any reasonable objection the names were registered Mr. V rose with the prayer book in his hand we rose also and the ceremony was performed in French at its close he delivered a beautiful address intended for the bridegroom's edification rather than for that of the childlike bride wished us both much happiness and we took our leave the groomsmen had just left us we hardly walked a square when we encountered my father my sister and I were greatly confused my father joined us and entered into conversation with Mr. Mallet all at once he exclaimed looking at me why how like a bride you look one of these days Mallet she will grow up to be quite a fine girl I could not repress a terrified exclamation at the word bride and trembled from head to foot fortunately my father was just leaving us and did not notice my agitation we returned home and I passed the rest of the day in gathering together my little possessions and in writing to my parents I was to leave New York the next morning and pass a few days in the country departing with my youngest sister my sweet pupil I felt more deeply than with all the rest she was but five years old yet even at that age her word could be trusted and after making her promise not to mention what I was about to confide I told her that I should soon leave her that I was married that we should live together no more nothing had shaken like in my self possession as did her passionate burst of grief she clasped her little arms around my neck sobbing out don't go don't go sister and cried until she fell asleep in my arms when she awoke I consoled her by the promise of my speedy return and probably a description of the large wax doll which she was to possess after my departure without its composing effect but though she clung to my side for the rest of the day and now and then looked up into my face as though her heart were breaking she kept my secret faithfully Mr. Moet passed the evening with us as usual but little Julia's grief greatly depressed me when he left and I retired to the nursery I could not help sighing to think that I should no longer be upon as one of the children I began to have strange forebodings of the future and again and again I repeated to myself oh if this were only a dream and I could wake up the next morning immediately after breakfast I was joined Mr. Moet and accompanied by the nursery maid we were to take the steamboat for Nyak his sister-in-law was residing there and to her he proposed making me when breakfast was over I made some laughing excuse to kiss everyone present controlling with a strong effort the agitation which I could not but feel as I stooped to kiss my father for a second time I had already been at his bedside and kissed him before he rose my courage nearly gave way in another instant I should have told him all he looked at me anxiously and said, what ails you child? I did not reply I could not have answered nothing I hastened from the room put on my bonnet and shawl and with my sister hurriedly left the house little Julia had followed us to the street door as I turned a look she was standing with my mother on the steps and kissed her hand when she saw me look back let us run let us run, I said to my sister for all my courage was melting away and I could trust myself no longer and we did run rapidly and without speaking until we reached the spot where Mr. Mawat was waiting for us there I had to bid adieu to my fateful sister she must go home and bear all the blame see all the sorrow occasioned by my act and know in her own heart the fault was hers she had only aided through sisterly love a step which she could not prevent luckily our parting was hurried I had only time to thank her and beg her to deliver my letter to our father and to write me immediately with a heavy heart she returned home and broke the news to an elder sister they went together to my mother and after some gentle preparation told her that I was married and gone she was at first half stunned by the information but quickly recovering made earnest inquiries concerning me remembered my delicate health and expressed many fears that I was not provided with sufficiently warm clothing to protect me against the cold which was becoming severe anger had no place in her heart nor in her words she was full of tender solicitude but neither chided my sister for the course she had taken nor pronounced severely upon my own my mother soon after visited the nursery and found upon my dressing table a sprig of geranium that I had worn in my hair with a white rose the day previous she planted the geranium it grew and she tended it carefully a short remainder of her life she called it the bride's flower it was different with my father he was indignant with the whole party with me with my sister and most of all with Mr. Mawet my letter failed to pacify him he at first declared that he would never forgive me and it was three days before a letter received begging his pardon those days seemed like a never indeed to me I began to believe that I had offended beyond forgiveness I was almost heartbroken at the idea of losing my father's love upon which I had drawn too largely my thoughts through all the thoughtful past went sorrowing and I could not bear to dwell on the nature of which he did not form the principal feature but the pardon came and an invitation to return home I beg that our visit in the country might be shortened and we returned in a week my father mother all welcomed us with open arms and without one shining word it was the true way to make me conscious of my own shortcomings I might have nerfed myself to meet rebukes but could not bear unmoved the tenderness I had not deserved Mr. Mawet they received less cordially but still with kindness great disappointment was expressed that the play of the morning bride could not be enacted on my father's birthday he told us that we should have a bridal ball instead and as I was still to be the heroine I might enact the laughing bride the ball took place but I fear that in my bridal robes I appeared to be assuming apart quite as much as I should have done had we carried out our original intentions and I had worn the costume of Alamira the morning bride end of chapter 2