 Well, I haven't been in a relationship for a long time because I haven't found the relationship style that fits the kind of relationship that I like, which is a little bit more free and a little bit more loose. Meaning that I need to create a space where I can still flirt. I can still be myself. Does that mean I'm going to be out running around the city on you? No, but what it does mean is that I'm aware that I am attracted to the opposite sex a lot. I don't need to be emotionally attracted to them, but sexually I am. Well, I got to ask the million dollar question. Are you comfortable with your partner also engaging? No. Let's have lovers and friends. We're about to talk about one of my favorite topics with some of my favorite people. We're talking about open relationships. More specifically, we're talking about consensual non monogamy and how difficult it can be to start these kinds of relationships given the cultural climate that we're in, given a lot of the misunderstandings on these kinds of relationships in general, and the lack of role models. And so in this episode, you are going to hear from Rome Green Jr., who was somebody who recently discovered that he is better suited for consensual non monogamy, but is also still figuring out a lot of the other bits and pieces that go with it. You're also going to hear from Jared Brady, Sunny Megatron and Ken. Sunny and Ken are actually role models for me in the consensual non monogamy world. I think you're really going to enjoy this episode. And if you want to know where to go to find that, please go to the info box and click that link. But hopefully you enjoy. Hope you enjoy. We're here to talk today about feeling like you can't be successful in relationships or you aren't the kind of person who should be in a relationship, but later learning that it's not relationships that you can't be in. It's monogamy and the style of monogamy that's pushed down our throats in mainstream culture. Yep. That's exactly it. That's the title of the episode. I have learned so much about myself within this last probably year to year and a half, being in therapy, talking to my dad, learning like certain triggers when I was in certain relationships and how I deal with those now. And I'm like, okay, I figured out what my style is even from the test that we took that you, uh, that you forced on me, but I enjoyed it because it really, that was, I think where the shift started because I always, me coming from a background of living in the south is tough because you grow up, it's like you be with this one person and don't you ever leave them. And if you leave them, you're bad. And if you leave them, you're going to get shunned from everybody. And you're attracted to anybody. And if you're attracted to anybody else, oh my god. Oh yeah. Don't, don't you dare be a human being and look at anything else. And so having that notion growing up is stifled me when it came to a lot of relationships. And I always wondered why I would be in relationships and still feel, I feel like I was in a, in a box. I was in a, it was in a box and I was screaming to get out, but I was so scared of the judgment from the partner at the time, from parents at the time, or even from friends. Like, bro, you tripping. Like, why would you be looking at him or why would you be, I'm just like, something ain't adding up here. So then when I did your test and I, and the answer came to a free relationship, I didn't really even know what that meant. And what a free relationship really means to me is that our relationship style is not what binds us together or what cements our agreement to try to stay together. So that means if I get with you under the pretense of even polyamory, I say, I'm polyamorous and you say, okay, cool. I am polyamorous as well. I'm dating somebody else. We're okay with that. If you come to me now and say, look, Shan, like, I actually don't want you seeing the other person. I think I'm monogamous. Because we came together under the agreement of polyamory, there is a chance I could say to you like, well, that's not exactly. So now we have to renegotiate whether or not we're going to be together or not. So for Jared and I, essentially a free relationship means that our relationship structure is going to change and will change multiple times. And if somebody wants it to be different than what it is today, that's not grounds to say, should we end the relationship? Yeah. And I think that's the most beautiful part about I said, for me, it's not that I need to be running around and making connections with everybody. It's just I'm a little bit more sexually open. And I was afraid to say that for so long. I was so afraid to say that because I'm just like, we're so afraid, especially black men, I believe we're so afraid to wind up as another statistic. Oh, just another black man is out here want to run around and or just another black man out here creating babies or another black man in an unsuccessful relationship or brother black man and don't know how to treat his woman. It's just like, all right, man, it's not that we, we just don't get told to just say what's on our mind. Because if we say what's on our mind, you're wrong. Stop saying that. Because I mean, I've said this on multiple, I think I said it on JD's podcast. I love doesn't just keep people together. It's not what you want. Just dilute how special this thing in here. No, no, no. Okay. I basically said this everywhere else. I didn't say I like exclusives wrong. Okay. So you better reword it. All right. Let me reword it. I've never said this before until this special podcast, which is one of my favorite podcasts I've been on, that it's hard to base a lifelong partnership with just love. Growth keeps people together. And I've gotten to a place where I just, I'm so free now that I'm understanding who I am as a man and what I like and what I don't like and my boundaries and it feels good. Yes. It really, it genuinely feels good because now when I date someone new or talk to someone new, I tell them out the gate. This is what I like. This is my type of style. So I think a big part about chasing peace is introducing yourself to people as you know yourself to being where a lot of people are like, one, maybe I'll be able to hide my true self in this relationship. So it won't come up or two, maybe I'll be different in this relationship. So I'm not going to bring it up in hopes that I'll be cured, meaning I won't cheat. I won't have one or not or I won't want to flirt anymore. So I'm not going to introduce myself as I am, which sets you up for confusion and catastrophe in the relationship when that person meets the real versions of you or other sides of you that they didn't know. So how has introducing yourself as you are, who you are, who you know yourself to be today impacted your new relationships? She may ask me, what am I, you know, why haven't you been in a relationship in a long time? That's usually because I haven't found the relationship style that fits the kind of relationship that I like, which is a little bit more free and a little bit more loose, meaning that I need to create a space where I can still flirt. I can still be myself. Does that mean I'm going to be out running around the city on you? No, but what it does mean is that I'm aware that I am attracted to the opposite sets a lot. I don't need to be emotionally attracted to them, but sexually I am. Well, I got to ask the million dollar question. Are you comfortable with your partner also engaging? No, very quickly. Let me say I haven't experienced it. Okay. And so in my mind, I feel like I wouldn't be because for me, and this is like, that's why I'm here to talk. I feel like a lot of women majority there are anomalies, there are people out there, but I feel like a lot of women are emotionally involved with men when next stuff comes. And so that would bother me immediately. I'd be like, you don't really like, like it for the women out there where it feels like it takes them a lot to even have sex with the guy. So I'm just like, are you emotionally attached or is this just sexual? Sometimes in my mind, it's hard to believe for that for women. It's just sexual. Well, I would honestly say that you are step one in the evolutionary chart in moving in the right direction. Because I think a lot of penis carriers are interested in having openness, but would never consider their partner being open. As a result, they don't ever even admit that they would want that because they don't want a world where the other person can say, hey, this isn't fair. So they're like, I would rather just cheat, get caught, say sorry, and beg for forgiveness as I've done in my previous relationship. I'd be too sleepy to cheat. I can't. You got to be up late at night and do it. Well, I would rather wait till I get caught, rather than me telling you this is what I want. It's a natural question after you say, Hey, I want this to be open. Does that work both ways? And right now your answer is I'm not sure I'm not sure success. We could do that. I mean, like, I think it's it's moving in the right direction. Of course, the goal is to get to a place where you acknowledge the same desires that are in you and the same need to connect with other people that makes you feel like a better version of yourself as a result brings a better version of Rome to the relationship. That's what happens on the other side. The reason I asked you guys to come on is because you are one of the first couples that I met who identified as being in a consensually non monogamous. At the time, I think you had told me it was an open marriage. And I was like, yeah, right? Because now it's no longer this, what is that term? I think at the time that you had said it to me, it was still in the realm of what is that. But now there's so many people experimenting with it. So I look at what you have had and I've always referenced it back to say, you know, this this is not a new thing that just got invented in 2015, that there are people who have been successfully doing this and navigating it navigating it with children, navigating it through life, through business, etc. And you have always been role models for me in this way. So I thought as people who not only are successfully doing it, but for a living, success, you know, help other people understand what it could possibly look like, it'd be great to check back in with you guys. Yeah. Oh, I'm so glad that we're where you're consensually non monogamous, I don't know, role models or whatever. But yeah, thank you. Or is this your first, this style of relationship? For me, no, I started off. I've had different sorts of relationships that sort of led up to this. And in a previous marriage, we had sort of an open relationship and sort of not, but there was terrible communication involved around it on both of our parts. And that led me to the place, the good place that I was when I met Sunny, because I was able to have to be able to set boundaries and say, I want to have an open relationship. But that doesn't mean I don't want you to be, you know, my main person in the love of my life. You know, none of that was mutually exclusive. And we I think one of the big things with us is that going into it, Sunny was very new and I had to go to a place she was comfortable with, not a place I was comfortable with. For me, I had always felt that, you know, normative monogamy just felt unnatural. And then I realized, hey, there, there is consensual non monogamy. And I didn't realize this until I was, gosh, like in my 30s. And I told myself the next relationship I'm going to get into, I'm going to do what I always thought seemed more natural in my head, but I didn't know existed. I think what's so fascinating about what's been shared here is, and especially Sunny, what you said about your entry into consensual not consensual non monogamy, which I think many people relate to is that maybe you didn't have examples or you didn't see it in a movie or your parents weren't like this that you're like, this is for me. You just knew that what existed and what was being advertised as the norm wasn't for you, that there was something about monogamous culture that just didn't quite sit with you. And so a lot of people who are entering the realm of consensual non monogamy today are entering it from that vantage point of, I don't really know what I want, but I know what I don't want. And that's what's been shoved down my throat for a long time. So in the interview prior with Rome, Rome really approached it from that angle where he was like, I just realized I don't thrive in those settings. I don't like myself. I get resentful towards my partner. I feel better when my choices are left up to me. I feel better when I have control over this part of my life, but also his entry point was, yes, I've realized that this makes me feel good and that I want to pursue consensual non monogamy. However, I'm not ready to let my partner do the same. And that's a new term that I learned, which is called monopoly, which is for people who want to be consensual non monogamous or polyamorous, but they are the only person in the relationship who is permitted to do that. What are your thoughts on that? Yeah, I have mixed feelings on that. Again, it's all of, if it's about the intention and the ethics with the mutual consent of both partners, and it is done thoughtfully. And maybe it's done as a stepping stone like, okay, you know, maybe I'm not just ready to dive in and there's no jealousy and everything's easy. And we're going to use this as a stepping stone, but there needs to be that intention that A, we all agree to this and we're all cool with it and B, it is not going to devolve into something toxic and controlling. Also, we're not judging you like, I don't know Rome's particulars in any way, shape, or form. And like we're saying, most of the people that say this, and this is, and I am generalizing here because when there is some truth to anecdotes, but when you see the, you know, usually, usually it's a cis hetero dude that wants to have multiple partners, but no accountability to those partners in an emotional or an honest communication sort of way. It's a way for them to get out of that. I think where a lot of people mess up when they enter in different styles of relationships is they think that an open relationship or a polyamorous relationship is the key to fixing a infidelity problem. And it's not, it's not going to fix your honesty problem. It's not going to fix your communication problem. All it's going to do is expose more of your toxic behaviors. The thing about polyamory is it forces you to have those really vulnerable on the level conversations that you may tend to run away from when you're in a monogamous relationship because you have no reason to have them. We should all be having those conversations about our desires, our jealousy, you know, whatever it is. You know, there's a lot of people listening right now who I think that, you know, the one thing that they're all curious about is jealousy. Is there jealousy in this type of relationship and how, if there is, how do you navigate through it? I hope you enjoyed a snippet of the episode called Is It Cheating or Is It an Open Relationship starring Rome Green Jr. To listen to the entire 50 minute episode, please go down to the info box, click that link or search for lovers and friends and podcasts wherever you get podcasts. And let me know what you think. And to do that, please leave a review. Please leave a rating. You can rate and review whatever you want. I just want to make sure that I'm making the kind of content that you are proud of. And that's worth your click because I, I want to aspire to being worth your click every single time. Bye-bye. I'm finding out, you know, good. But if you listen, pay attention, you can find out how to make a mistake out of ticket, baby. You're just lovers and friends. I'm gonna take you on a trip, baby. I don't pretend I said lovers and friends.