 The F.W. Fitch Company makers of Fitch Shampoo presents the Fitch Fan Wagon written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet with Elliot Lewis, Walter Titley, Janine Ruth and Whitfield Robert North, Walter Sharf and his music and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Two prizes this week for you, just tell why you like Fitch Shampoo. There's only one more big bitch contest. To introduce Fitch's new cream shampoo and for those of you Denver Remover Shampoo, we are sponsoring the last of four contests. Prizes include One new Fraser Manhattan sedan. One new Kaiser sedan. Five universal electric ranges. Three a manna home freezers. Two boss electric washing machines. Thirty universal electric blankets. Easy to enter, easy to win. Get paper and pencil ready. We'll give contest rules and address now and repeat again later in the program. Here's all you do. In 25 additional words or less, complete one of these statements. I like Fitch's Dandruff Remover Shampoo because, or I like Fitch's Cream Shampoo because. That's all. To each entry, attach the round paper disc from top of Fitch's Cream Shampoo jar or carton top from Fitch's Dandruff Remover Shampoo or facsimile. Mail with your name and address to Fitch Shampoo box 1723 Chicago Illinois. There's plenty to write about. Fitch's Cream Shampoo leaves hair far softer, shinier. It's made with both lanolin and olive oil. Lanolin to soften, olive oil to bring out sparkling highlights. Forty-two prizes this week for you. Just tell why you like Fitch's Shampoo. In the current November issue of True Story Magazine, you can read the true story of the home life of Alice Fay and Phil Harris. This article is proving a particular interest of Phil's sponsor, the Fitch Company. As we look in, we find Mr. F.W. Fitch about to address a few members of his staff. Gentlemen, two weeks ago, we voted Phil Harris, one sheriff's staff in our company. Right, J.R.? Right, F.W. Fitch. At the time, we thought it advisable. At the time, we thought it advisable to hold it in trust. Right, Mr. Beam? That's right, Mr. Fitch. We held it in trust because the self of Harris is irresponsible and might misuse the staff. Well, according to this... According to this True Story article, we've misjudged Mr. Harris. The article says Phil Harris is a fine, upstanding citizen who never stays out late, gambles or drinks. Which Phil Harris are they talking about? By a quiet, quiet J.R., it also says that he's very devoted to his lovely wife, Alice Fay. Alice Fay. Alice Fay. Well, gentlemen, let's get back to work. The article goes on to say that Mr. Harris is a homebody and a gentleman with fine, cultured friends. But F.W., how do we know Harris is everything this article says he is? That's why I'm sending you to Hollywood, Beam. I want you to spend the day with the Harris's and check on him. Very well, sir. If I leave today, I can arrive there on Sunday. Good. And if you find Mr. Harris a trustworthy individual, we'll forward him his stop. Good luck, Beam, when you arrive in Hollywood. Give Mr. Harris my regards. And, uh, oh, yes, one other thing. Yes, sir? When you, uh, get there, uh... It'll be a little chit while they will you? And now we take you to the Harris home. It's Sunday morning and Alice is reading the New True Story magazine article to Phil. She had to swell article about it, honey. Hey, what else does it say about me? It says, Phil is a very charming, soft-spoken man. His only weakness is his passion for loud clothes. He is not a conservative dresser. How do you like that? A guy has one lousy red suede suit and he ain't conservative. You must admit you are a flashy dresser. Look at what you're wearing now. Well, what's wrong with what I'm wearing? It's a very simple sports outfit. Green and orange plaid jacket, purple polka dot shirt, baby blue slacks and yellow shoes. That ain't so loud. In fact, I feel there's something missing. What do you think it needs to set it off? Leave it alone. It'll explode by itself. Well, here's the part of the article I like, Phil. They point out what a wonderful family we are and how happily married we've been. Gee, honey, it's easy to be happy when a guy is married to a sweet little girl like you. You gorgeous little blonde you. Ah, get along with your blondy hair so you'll be able to smile in the likes of me. Thank you, Barry Fitzgerald. But seriously, you want to know something, honey? Hey, I come in. Oh, it's my brother. Come on in, William. Hello, Alice. Good morning, Philip. I thought I'd never get here. The traffic was simply awful. Things like that just upset me terribly. Thank you, Billy Burke. You see that wonderful article about us in the true story magazine? Yes, I read it, and I like the way they handled it. They mentioned all your good qualities at it, and they skipped over all of Philip's bad ones. What do you mean? What bad qualities have I got? Well, for one thing, you're the most irresponsible man I've ever met. You don't take anything seriously. Well, that's only because I'm young and carefree. After all, I'm only 22, and I don't know my own mind. You don't know your own age either. Philip, you're so irresponsible. I don't know why Alice ever married you. Now, just a minute, William. You may have a few faults, but I think he's a wonderful guy. I like what the article said about him. Oh, Alice, the only thing I found true about Philip in the whole story was the fact that he's very unhandy around the house. He's incapable of fixing the slightest little thing. Who's not handy? I'm always fixing things like lamps, leaky faucets, and tell him what I did last week out. No, maybe you better not tell him that. What did he do last week at it? Well, he installed an electric guy in the driveway that was supposed to close the garage door. Well, does it work? Not exactly. He got the wires crossed, and instead of closing the garage door, it keeps opening the bathroom window. Right, so I made one little mistake on that, but I can fix anything else around the house. Oh, I wish that were true so you could fix that closet door in the entrance hall. The children are always getting stuck in there. They can't open it from the inside. Okay, I'll show you. I can fix it, and I'll do it right now. All I need is a screwdriver, a pair of pliers, a hammer... And a carpenter. And a carpenter. Look, Roll Top, will you get out of here for a minute? I'll feed it. Will you get lost? All right, all right. Go figure up something, will you? I'm going. See you later, Alice. Good-bye, Phillip. Good-bye, Phillip. One of these days I'm going to friccy that little bandy rooster. Look, I'm going to get the tools out and fix that closet door. Oh, please don't, Phil. You know you won't be able to do it. I'll show you I can do it. Gee whiz, Alice just don't appreciate me. Nobody does. Now, let me see. If I hammer this lock a little, that ought to loosen it up. I'll show them I can fix it. Then maybe they'll stop picking on me. Why does everybody always find and fall with me? Why do people have to pick on other people? What is this curse that makes the universe so all be willed to run? What is the hope that just provokes the folks they call God's children to run? What is the jinx that gives the body and his brother and every one around the run around? Every one to run around. Every one to run around. Necessity. Necessity. Necessity. Necessity. That most unnecessary thing. Necessity. How unnecessary. What grows the monkey-wrenching of fellas' good inventions? That nasty old invention. Necessity. Brother, you so right. I see. What a rest in the shade. The Lord said, go out and have fun, boys, to land towards that land. Necessity. Necessity. It's plain to see. It's plain to see. What a lovely old world this silly old world could be. World could be. But. Necessity. If nothing knocks you out of them. Necessity. You mean. Necessity. Necessity. How can you guess? Now, there, that ought to do it. Well, I wouldn't forget that, though. You'll only make it worse. Yeah, well, if you want to know something, it's all fixed. Oh, now, who's that at the front door? Yeah? What do you want? My name is Albert Beam. I represent the... All one of them door-to-door salesmen. How we don't want none, Bob. Get out. You don't seem to understand. I was sent here by Mr. F. W. Fitch, your sponsor. I don't care. My sponsor? Oh, well, that's different. I didn't realize. Come in, Mr. Beam. Come in. Please, come in. Put me down, Harris. I'm capable of walking in by myself. Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Beam. I'm so flustered. You know, I didn't expect you. You took me by surprise and... You know, I... Oh, look, I want you to meet my wife, Alice. How do you do, Mr. Beam? Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Harris? I hope I'm not intruding on your Sunday at home, but I was sent by the Fitch Company. Yes, sir. F-I-T-C-H. Oh, what a beautiful word, Mr. Beam. What a wonderful product. Yes, we're proud of all our products. Well, you should be. It's great for the hair. Yes, it really gives it a nice lust of sheen. Oh, it's positively sensational. Let's not just stand here. Let's all go upstairs and sample each other's hair. Yeah, I didn't come here to discuss the product, really. I'm here about the article in the two-story magazine. Oh, yeah, yeah. That was a nice article, wasn't it? Of course, I sent the picture they ran with. The article wasn't very flattering of me. You see, I forgot to put my rag curlers in on the night before, and my hair was just a mess. I understand. My wife has the same trouble. Well, as I started to say, Mr. Fitch sent me to verify that article, and if you're all that it says you are, I'm to recommend if you receive a Fitch Company stock immediate. Hey, did you hear that, Alice? They're going to give me my stock. Oh, look, I assure you, Mr. Beam, that you'll find everything in that article is true. Except, well, one thing. They said I wasn't handy around the house, but that's not so because I just fixed the lock on the closet door here just now. Really? Well, how'd you do it? I have a lock at home that needs fixing. Oh, simple. I just fixed the swing on the inside by, uh, by... I'll tell you, get in the closet and I'll show you what I mean. No, go on, get in the closet. It'll only take a minute. I want to show you how it works. Oh, like, oh, right, stop pushing. I'll get in. All right, now good. Now, look, you... Now, I'll just shut the door. Now, now you see, Mr. Beam, before I fix it, you couldn't open it from the inside, but now all you have to do is just turn the knob. Go ahead, turn it. Harris, I hate to tell you this, but it still doesn't open from the inside. Open it from your side. Oh, all right. Mr. Beam. What? I hate to tell you this, but now I can't open it from the outside. Let me out of here. Let me out of here. Oh, Harris, does it again. Phil, for goodness' sake, see something. Get him out of that closet. Hey, okay, Mr. Beam. Take it easy. I'm trying to get it open. Now, don't get angry. I'm doing everything I can. Oh, Harris, you clumsy old... Oh, the lock must be sprung, Phil. You'll never get in that. I'll go and call the lock. Well, all right. Tell him to hurry over. Hey, you have nothing to worry about, Mr. Beam. We're getting the lock Smith. Well, hurry up. I'm getting a 68 in here. You are? He doesn't look like the kind of a guy who'd ever touch this stuff. Hey, Mr. Beam, don't worry. We'll have you out of there and know if to... Uh-oh. Excuse me. It's the doorbell. Never mind the door. Get me out of here. Well, in a minute. First, I got to see who's at the door. Hiya, Curly. Oh, hello, Frankie. Look, I'd ask you in, Frank, but I can't right now. Why not? I've got a sponsor in my closet. You got it fine? Oh, brother, this guy's been riding with the top down again. What's the matter with you? You sound like you've got bats in your belfry. You're noisy, little rascals, ain't you? Frankie, I'm serious. I'm on the level about the sponsor. Yeah, yeah. I wish your sponsor was in that closet. I'd tell him off. Those guys have been promising you socks for a long time, but they never sent it. I don't think they're going to. I think they're nothing but a bunch of chisellers. Chisellers? Let's get out of the hole, Curly. Isn't that going to join us? Quiet. Will you, Frankie? I won't keep quiet. I got an idea. Look, why don't you sue that cheap bitch company for a million bucks? They're not a cheap company. They're wonderful. Wonderful. Frankie, will you listen to my sponsor, Mr. Boomer, the bitch company is locked in that closet. So what? I can't think of a better place to respond to it. Listen, will you stop the clown, and he's in that little small closet with nowhere, and... I don't even hear him anymore. Frankie, do you think he's unconscious? I don't know what a sponsor is trying to tell. Nice, upright, honest, closest friends you have, Mr. Harris. Hey, Curly, there's somebody in that closet. I can't get a lock with any place. Oh, hello, Frankie. Yeah. It's Gandhi and all the locks must be closed. Oh, closed. Now, how are we going to get this lock open? Oh, I can get you somebody to open that lock. I'll go get Pete and Owen be right back. Is he a locksmith? The best in the business. Go on, Curly. I'll be right back. Hey, Beam, yes? I'm going away. Will, you get yourself in the darnedest mood. I know I do, honey. I guess I'm just a jerk. Your brother was right. I don't know why you ever married me. I'm always doing something stupid, and people are always laughing at me. Now, wait a minute. Don't take it so much to heart. People are always ready to laugh at somebody else. Just remember. They all laughed at you with the lumber when he said the world was wrong. They all laughed when they had us in recorded style. They all laughed at Wilbur and his brother when they said the men to cry. They came back on me while I thought it's only if the same old cry. They laughed at me. Warning you. Warning you. That I was reached for the moon. Reach for that moon. But ooh, you came through. You came through. Now they'll have to change their tune. They'll change their tune. They all said we never could be happy. They laughed at us in high. And how about home? With me and his father too. That's a stupid. That's how it was. Said it would be a little more fun. They all said we'd never get together. Darling, let's take a bow. We'll try to pacify him until Frankie gets back with the locksmith. Okay, I'll try to calm him down by being nice to him. Mr. Beam. What do you want? Just a leathery idiot. He ain't cooperate. Look, Beamzy, is there anything I can get you? Would you like some lunch? How can I get not for me when I'm locked in this closet? Oh, it's easy. Alice will make some soup and I'll pour it under the door. Quiet. The suggestions will only make things worse. Harold, where do I tell FW what kind of people you are? Oh, but Mr. Beam, we're really nice people. We have a wonderful home life and we're very happily married. Oh, excuse me while I answer the door. Oh, it's you two of us. Yes, it is I, Fair One. I have come to worship at the shrine of my loved one. Oh, dear, please go away. We're in enough trouble now. Trouble? What kind of trouble, Fair One? Well, if you must know, I have a man locked up in my closet. Mesh! It's not what you think, Julius. It's my sponsor and I locked him in the closet. I don't care and that's a smart one. Wouldn't you talk to Mr. Harris that way? I don't wish to talk to Mr. Harris at all. I have come just to be more serious. Julius, see this! Now get out of here. Now why don't you get out of here? Because I could get out of here. Hi, Mr. Beam, who are you? I'm Julius Abrucio, the light of my... Don't you take me with you, will you? You are happily married yet another man comes around and makes love to Mrs. Harris. Oh, but Julius isn't a man. He's just a little boy who has a crush on you. Well, I click story. I am surprised at you, Mrs. Harris. I think you let another man come into your life and use another of two lovely children. It's positively disgraceful and I... I'll go soak your head. Honey, that's no way to talk to the sponsor. We got a... Oh, I hope that's Frankie with a locksmith. Hiya, Curly. You worries are over. I got him. Oh, thank goodness. Bring him in. Come on in, Pete. Alice, Phil, I want you to meet the greatest little lock opener in the country. Light Fingers Nolan. I got it before the covers get here. Frankie, where's that lock they want, Pete? It's right there on that door, Light Fingers. Okay, tell you what. Frankie, you pull the shades down. Curly, you cut the telephone wires. And, Blondie, you wait outside as a lookout. You got it? You got it. You want us to keep the motor running? Alice. What do I have to do here? Now, cut it out, Alice. Frankie, wait a minute. What's the idea of bringing a guy like this around? Yeah, that's why I get to wait. Wait, I pour a little soup on that lock like this. Then I pour a little more. And then I put on a short fuse. Hey, Curly, you got a match? What's going on out there? Hey, somebody's in there already. Someone's feeding to this job. Hey, you in there. Who sent you on this job? The pit company. Never heard of them. What's being a Chicago mob? Is this another of your calming plans, Mr. Harris? No, he isn't. Frankie, get this guy out of here. You're going to ruin everything. Get him out. All right, all right. Come on, light fingers here. Curly is an ungrateful wretch. I think I had you break a date with your parole officer to come here. All good. Frankie finds fellas like that. I don't know. I don't care about it. How are we going to get beam out of there? I'd break the door down, but it's too thick for that. There must be some way. What's going on, Mommy? We were trying to take our map, but somebody keeps banging on the wall down here. Oh, your daddy locked somebody in the closet and can't get the door open. Maybe I can do it for you, Daddy. Don't be silly, Phyllis. You're only a child. Now, let me see now. What can I do? You can take the hinges off. Don't be ridiculous. I'm trying to open the door from the left side where the lock is. If I take the hinges off, it'll only open it from the right side. Hey! Yeah, that'll do it. Give me that hammer quick. Hey, it's working, Alice. I'm getting it open. Be patient, Mr. Beam. We'll have you out in a second. Yes, sir. Now there. Now you put your shoulder to it and give it a push, Mr. Beam. There you are. You're out. And so are you, Harris. Not only will I recommend that you don't get that stuck, but I'll see to it that you're fired from our program. Fired? Oh, but, Mr. Beam, it was all an accident. And you have a right to be mad. Well, but surely an intelligent, handsome man like yourself must have a forgiving nature. Huh? You won't fire, Phil. Will you? Who was a sucker for a good-looking blonde? Thank you, Tommy Manville. And surely, Beamzy, a handsome, intelligent man like yourself will recommend that I get my stock, won't you? Hmm. I guess he's not a sucker for a good-looking brunette, huh? Oh, Mr. Beam, I know after what's happened, Phil doesn't deserve the stock, but for my sake, won't you reconsider? Well... All right, all right, I'll reconsider. Well, gee, that's wonderful of you, Mr. Beam. I certainly appreciate it. Won't you stay for dinner? No, thanks. I'm getting out of here before something else happens to make me change my mind. Goodbye. Goodbye, and ah! Not that door. Oh, that's the closet. Let's not go through that again. Hey, here's the door. I'll open it for you. Goodbye, Mr. Beam. Goodbye. The wrong door, and he fell down the cellar's stairs. Folks, this is Phil Harris. Now, here are the car winners in our second big weekly contest. Yes, sir, and the lucky lady is from Long Beach, California. In fact, she wins the Frazier Manhattan sedan, and her name is Mrs. F. E. Holland of Long Beach, California. The Kaiser sedan was won by Mrs. Renee L. Fornay of Milltown, New Jersey. Mrs. Renee L. Forte, it is, of Milltown, New Jersey. Winners of other prizes being notified by mail. Now, look, this week's contest is our last, so hurry, everyone, and in 25 additional words or less, complete one of these statements. I like pitches Xandruff Remover Shampoo because... or I like pitches Cream Shampoo because... send any number of entries, each on a plain sheet of paper, to each attach the round paper dip from top of pitches Cream Shampoo jar, or carton top from pitches Xandruff Remover Shampoo or facsimile. Mail entry with your name and address to pitch shampoo box 1723 Chicago. That's pitch shampoo box 1723 Chicago, Illinois. The winners get... One Fraser Manhattan sedan, one Kaiser sedan, five universal electric rangers, three a manor home freezers, two boss electric washing machines, 30 universal electric blankets. Entries judged on originality, sincerity, and aptness of thought. Duplicate prizes for ties, judges decision final. Any person in United States or Canada may enter, except employees of Fitch, their advertising agency, and their family. Entries must be postmarked by midnight, Saturday, November 1st, and received by November 8th. Third week car winners announced on the bandwagon next Sunday.