 Irma, honey. Yes Jane. This magazine says that scientists in Arizona have just found the footprints of a prehistoric animal Two million years old. What do you think of that? Well, I think they're silly if they try to track it down. I'm sure it's dead That's what you can expect when you listen to my friend Irma Leave her brothers company makers of swan the soap with the exclusive super cream to plan presents Our friends swan with my friend Irma starring Mary Wilson is Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane Tonight is a very important night for me. I'm anxious to be bright and gay and I want to look my best The reason I met a new fellow. I really kind of like him So I decided to discuss it with my roommate Irma Irma, yes Jane. I know this may shock you honey, but I have a date tonight and it's not with Richard not with Richard Oh, Jane, you're going to get a reputation for being footloose Of course, if you want to go around with loose feet Oh, Irma stop being a puritan. This is 1948. How long gonna girl wait for a man? I'm getting older. So what you know what they say Jane wine improves with age. I know If you wait long enough it can turn into vinegar Personally, I think Richard's just wonderful But he doesn't seem to be getting any more serious the sound of those wedding bells seems to be growing fainter Well, that's one problem. I haven't got Jane. I hear bells in my head all the time Jane who's your new fellow? Oh his name is Peter Guilford Irma. He's nothing short of sensational. Oh, just like my Al He's a sensational nothing too You can say that again, but I wish you wouldn't because the subject bores me. Oh Jane What is your new fellow Peter Guilford do well? I don't know too much about him honey because I just met him But I know he has an important job with the government. He he mentioned something about being in charge of financial Distribution well Jane even though you met another fella. I still think you love Richard now. Tell me the truth Well, I don't really know sweetie Sometimes I'm not sure that I was ever truly in love with Richard. Well, that's where Alan. I are different. We know we're in love Otherwise, why would I get all confused and dizzy? Well, honey the answer to a question like that has many ramifications Anyway, I just can't wait until my date tonight with Peter Guilford, you know, I'm really excited about him Come in. It's only me professor Kropotki Hello Janie and Irma my two little crystal gazers one with all the answers the other still in a trance Excuse me for intruding girls. I just came down to tell you the good news. I made up with Mrs. O'Reilly Wonderful professor. That's all we like to hear. How long could I stay mad at a woman who has such a wonderful heart? Imagine last night. She baked me a seven layer cake just what I needed Oh, that's nice. We'll make a perfect foot rest. Well This is a day for romance you miss O'Reilly and and Jane has a new boyfriend Janey, is that right? What happened with Richard? Nothing It's just that Richard's been stalling and I've decided not to put all my eggs in one basket Oh, you're smart Jane when they cost almost a dollar a dozen. You have to be careful Being careful is what I want to talk to you about Janie a person in choosing a mate must never be too particular You know, I remember when I started caught in girls One I didn't like because she was mean another was jealous another was stingy another was naggy So gradually I became an expert and I wound up marrying a woman who was a combination of all I'm just jumping to conclusions professor. I'm not marrying Peter Guilford. I'm merely having dinner with him But it's something to keep in mind Janie. Why do you think I've gotten romantical thoughts about Mrs. O'Reilly? I'll tell you all my life women. I've known have run around with other fellows, but Mrs. O'Reilly Her I could leave on an island with a boatload of shipwreck sailors and she wouldn't get kissed if a mistletoe tree fell out And that's what a man likes peace of mind Professor, do you know that Jane's new boyfriend Peter Guilford has a very important job with the government or really Janie What does he do? Well, he told me he was in charge of financial distribution Oh that already is a big job and Janie. I hope it works out well for you. Thank you Well girls, I got to go now since I'm taking Mrs. O'Reilly out I think I'll run down to the corner and buy her a corsage a bunch of celery Oh professor, you can't smell celery. I got news for you. You can't eat daisies either. Good bye Hello. Hiya chicken. The telephone booth down at the unemployment office gonna be a little late chicken The guy who gives out the check seems to be all thumbs today. Well, he should make you wait after all you're one of their best customers I know would make a complaint, but don't want him to think I'm trying to take his job away from it The line's starting to move. We'll see you soon. Goodbye Al. Bye chicken Made it boy. This gripes me still have to stand in line. You think a guy who's been coming here this long and have seniority That's the fault of the guy who distributes the checks that Peter Guilford. There's a real bum for you Boy, I hate him. Oh, hiya Pete How's tricks? Oh, it's you Al. Did you look for a job this week? No, I couldn't you see, um, my grandmother died She died last week She rallied I knew you'd have an answer you always do. Here's your check. Oh, thanks Pete. See you next weekend That peter guilford. I hate that bum You hand me my nail polish. I want to look my best for peter guilford tonight. All right jane Come in. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. Oh my you're all dressed up. Oh, thank you dear The professor and I are going out tonight and I was wondering if you could lend me a pair of dark glasses Dark glasses? Yes. The wind blew me eyelashes off the windowsill I I wouldn't want him to see me without them You know the way he kids about me false teeth and the artificial fingernails and the bleach transformation He says if we ever cross the border the customs man will be checking my parts five days after we've gone Oh He's a great kidder It's me again girls and mrs. O'Reilly Oh, what a beautiful day it is. I was just out taking a walk. Oh professor. Don't move There are two caterpillars on your shoulder caterpillars Glory be those are me eyelashes As I should have known you know, mrs. O'Reilly if this building ever caught fire and you jumped out of the window The fireman wouldn't know which part to catch first Oh hush professor Tell me janey dal in house richard. I see you wearing a new dress Going somewhere special with him. Well before ermah gets a chance to distort the news. I'll tell it to you I'm dating a new bow tonight. Yes, and he's a very important man who works for the government Well, you know what's best for you janey. I only hope it'll bring you happiness After all the most important thing in life is love now take me All right, I'll admit. I'm not a spring chicken. I'm 39 But I'm going out with the professor tonight mrs. O'Reilly you are 39 Then let me ask you a question Why is it the moment the music starts you automatically go into a minuet? That's the reason I love to go out with you professor I like to go out with you too, but to help me I can't think of a reason Well, goodbye girls. We'll be running along now. Goodbye and janey. Have a good time tonight with your new boyfriend. Thanks professor Ermah, you know I want to make a good impression tonight. So I think I'll buy a new hat I won't be long if richard calls. Remember you don't know where I am. All right jane Hello jane. Hiya chicken. Hi al Hello, al, honey. Oh the humiliation of that unemployment office I won't have to put up with that stuff much longer got a deal that'll put me on easy street Yeah, I know you're gonna glue corn silk on old sweaters and sell them for fur jackets No, that's not the deal but like yours better Sorry al. I've already patented it with the insane asylum Well, I'll be back as soon as I find a hat honey. Goodbye all Disparage and day never gonna amount to nothing. Oh, don't say that about jane al She has a date for dinner tonight with a new boyfriend. Oh, she gave richard the old heave-ho Well, richard has been stalling. You know a girl gets impatient waiting for a man to accept her proposal Chicken you ain't hinting about you and I no al but now that you mention it I think it's about time we get married I want to have children while I'm young while I still know what more than they do Chicken you can't get married on a shoestring Besides, I want you to have a nice home beautiful furniture a maid and a car of your own Oh al a car of my own. Well, certainly you think after we're married. I'm gonna let you walk to work I get so tired of waiting for that day. Oh now chicken You got to be patient till one of my deals comes through Oh al if you could only get a good job like jane's new boyfriend has we could get married right away Yeah, what does this guy do? Oh, he's with the government in charge of financial distribution financial distribution Sounds important Chicken me meeting a guy like that might change our whole future. How I'm working on a plan No, all our dreams will come true. Oh, well, I have so much confidence in you. Let me give you a big kiss for luck Okay, chicken Hey chicken, what's the idea of making those cross eyes when I kissed you Well, I wanted to see on which side of my nose your nose goes when you kiss me Which side neither we meet bumper to bumper Say ladies here's a way you can prove to yourself that swan soap actually differs from other soaps Feel a cake of swan. It feels smoother as susie swan says it's a smoothie It's a smoothie. It's a cake of swan. You can feel that super creamed blend You can feel the difference in it. You can tell it in a minute. It's a smoothie That's swan Yes, ladies the way swan feels is a direct result of swan super creamed blend So next time when you unwrap a cake of swan make this little test Run your fingertips over the surface of the cake feel the smoothness See how swan super creamed blend makes swan differ from other soaps Then when you use swan for dishes feel swan's suds They feel richer creamier and swan's mild suds protect your hands Sure, when you're through look at your hands. You'll see they're left with a smooth soft young look What's more swan super creamed suds are thick fast suds too And they rinse away so completely your dishes don't need wiping It's true swan soap means faster dishwashing and protection for your hands Thanks to swan's exclusive super creamed blend I've been shopping for a hat I've tried off the face hats on the face hats low brims high brims no brims no hat just brim However, I saw one that I thought was adorable Three roses sewed on a ribbon $95 I wouldn't spend that much for three roses if I just finished a quarter four roses Decided to just forget the hat let my personality work for me tonight Hi Jane. Did you get a hat? No, I didn't honey Not that I care, but uh did Richard call no Well who cares just as well? Oh, yes Well, I don't care Were you here all the time? Yes Well, if he does call tell him I'm not here. All right, Jane Never mind. I'll tell him Hello Oh, it's you Richard. Jane. I have good news for you. I'm taking you out tonight I've got news for you. I've already got a date Yes, I have Well, that's nice. Uh enjoy yourself. I certainly will. Good night, Jane Richard Richard Richard angry. Well, Jane, do you care? Of course. I don't care. He means nothing to me. Nothing. It's all Jane you just tore your handkerchief Well, I like it that way after all two handkerchiefs are better than one Only me alone. Will you? All men are dogs Hiya chicken. Hello prince, honey We were just talking about you. Oh something good I hope because uh Jane I got something to ask you and I I don't know exactly how to begin Well, leave out the words may I borrow and just take it from there I don't need money Jane it it is my belief that a guy only gets places through contacts people he meets Yeah, that's partially true. Yeah. Now when you first introduced me to Richard I thought he could do me some good But uh through some slip in the conversation. He found out I was a bum Now Jane you got a new guy and I want him to think well of me I mean you mean in case he can do you some good. Well contacts are vital Jane Now wait Al. I've just met Peter. It's our very first date. I haven't even been out with him yet I know he has an important position with the government But but I can't ask him to waste his time helping out the unemployed But Jane I'm not asking for myself. It's for chicken. I want to marry her But first first I want to make a man out of myself. Oh, well don't change too much Hold it chicken Look Jane your new guy is with the government and they got lots of jobs open. There's there's diplomatic work There's reclamation projects. Well, I might get a job with the tva. No, Al. I don't want you to fly Chicken tva is a dam. I don't want you to swear either What do you say Jane I'd get down on my knees and beg you but this suit won't take it What do you say? We all go to dinner together. Well g l I'd like to help you make new contacts if I could but I can't impose on a strange man and an important man on our very first date I'm not asking for charity the treats on me We'll pick up the check to impress this guy part of the scheme. Oh, Al. I just can't do it Oh jane is for our children I can't even do it for your children and believe me. I'm crazy about them Yes, this is jane stacey Oh Hello, peter. How nice of you to call. Please jane. We'll pay all expenses. Yeah. Yeah Uh peter I hope you don't mind, but I have a rather unusual request to make you see I live with a girl ermma peterson and her boyfriend is in town and they would like us to be their guests at dinner What's that? You accept Now now you're sure you don't mind Oh, that's fine. We'll meet you here for cocktails. Yeah at the same time Wonderful. Goodbye What do you know? He didn't object. He even seemed eager. Hey, you see the rich like a handout too You don't be ridiculous Al. He probably has more money at his fingertips than the government itself Now remember Al. You said you'd pay for this dinner It's all on you and I want to go to a very nice place. We'll handle everything after all I'm trying to make an impression too must spend money to get money Oh jane, you're really a wonderful friend and believe me Al and I'll never forget this and after we get married We'll name our first baby after you That is if it's a girl If it's a boy, we'll name him Jim, but we'll spell it jane I've committed myself to cocktails. I guess I better run out and get some more derbs Fine jane and after cocktails the entire evening is on me. It had better be. I'm loaded Oh, well, it's working out wonderfully. Where do we go for dinner? That's not important What is important is where am I going to get the money to pay for? Oh, but Al, didn't you get your unemployment check today? Yeah, but uh made some bad business investments chicken ran into the crummyest slot machines. I have ever seen I have seen more lemons today than the whole state of california But Al jane and her boyfriend are going as your guest. What are you going to do? Chicken when you're in a spot like this, there's only one man who can help you Who else who else but hello joe? Al Got a problem need 50 bucks immediately. What do you suggest? uh-huh uh-huh Play bingo But joe, how do you win 50 bucks playing bingo? Or the way you play it at surefire Stand in a dark alley with a club Wait for a guy to walk past and bingo you've got the money Oh, no joe. No must be legitimate In that case, you cannot be of service to me. Gotcha. Goodbye joe Chicken you get ready. I'm going out to try to hustle the 50 bucks But Al you got your unemployment check today. What are you doing back? Pete? I'm in a spot Could I have an advance against the next two weeks? Promise you I won't get a job Al look that's against regulations. It can't be done But this might help you and entertaining a big shop with the government might get you a good job Please Al don't bother me. I've got my own troubles I've got a date with the new girl tonight and I've got to raise 10 bucks to get my suit out of hot I was in a worse hole, but luckily she's got a girlfriend whose chump boyfriend is picking up the dinner table You're a fine pal, but I'll fix you this year. I vote republican and next year you'll be in this line right in back of me I'm all dressed and ready to go out. Are we going to a ritzy restaurant with my present resources chicken? I hope jane's boyfriends are vegetarian Looks like we're gonna chew grass in the park Al jane'll be embarrassed because this is her first date and and he's such an important man and everything. Uh, come in It's only us again kropotkin and oriley Oh, hello, Mrs. O'Reilly and I would like for you to do us a favor tonight, please We are going out and we wonder if you'll take any messages that come for us Be glad to professor, but you got to do me a favor. Huh? It's a matter of life or death Could you lend me 50? Sure. Can you break a dollar? No 50 bucks Al if I had 50 bucks, do you think I would be going around with a certain party so she won't throw me out because I can't pay the rent Or professor you and your jokes I'll since your herma's I'll since your herma's boyfriend and I'm in such a good mood tonight. I lend you the 50 dollars Gee, thanks. If I thought I'd get it back Oh, I'll be good for it. Very well Now if you gentlemen turn your backs I'll take it out of the vault Now don't pick professor. Send me stuck in How do you like that and to think I've been wasting time holding hands with her? Come on, Mrs. O'Reilly now we can go dancing Before I was ashamed to take you before it looked like you had three knees Goodbye and good luck you thanks again, Mrs. O'Reilly consider this only a temporary loan Okay, chicken now we're in business and since we're going out with such an important man You take this money and go down and buy yourself an orchid Herma and myself are waiting for peter gilford to come over for cocktails Irma's dressed for the occasion She's wearing a sweater with her initials an I and a p embroidered on it And knowing that peter is a government man. Irma wants to show him She's impartial so she's embroidered two more letters in front of her initials D for democrat and an r for republican Of course the fact that it comes out drip doesn't seem to bother at all Honey, yes, jane, you know, I can't understand why peter's late. Well, he better show up I've already invested 10 bucks for chicken's orchid. He's got to be a very big man for me to get my money back Now don't worry al and just don't embarrass me, please Well, I guess I'll go in the kitchen fix the orders Chicken just got an idea What al when this peter gets here won't be right for me to blow my own horn So I think I'll go into the bathroom and that'll give you a chance to tell him all about me Al what shall I say? Well, uh, tell him I'm now retired But we'll make myself available because I know the government wants man to take charge of various projects in all 48 states See projects in all 48 states. Yes, I'll remember. Oh, that must be him now. Let him in. I'll be in the bathroom Come in mr. Gilford Oh, good evening. You must be jane's roommate. Yes, that's me. My initials are on my sweater Just the second half. Uh, won't you sit down so we So we can chat about my boyfriend Uh, what about him? He's been engaged in various projects and he's wanted in all 48 states What the eyes of the oh, hello peter. Oh, hello jane Your your roommate has been trying to tell me something but I know we'll have a drink urma is easier to take that Uh Al meet someone come in holy macro Jane is this the big shot government man? Well, yes Chicken you know your orchid. Yes, put it in the icebox. We're gonna have to eat it all week I'm home and found that ermah had made a little black jacket, which she'd put on our bar of swan soap So I said ermah honey, what's the idea of that and ermah said well jane if a penguin can wear a tuxedo. So can I swan? Well, that's ermah keeping your eye on her swan soap And no wonder because ermah knows that swan is the perfect soap for dishes And you know ladies it is why even the way a cake of swan feels tells you it's a perfect dish washing soap Sure, the next time you unwrap a cake of swan just feel the cake with your fingertips Feel how swan super creamed blend makes it differ from other soaps It feels smoother and feel those mild swan suds. They feel richer creamier Then you'll know why super creamed blend protect your hands Yes, thanks to swan super creamed blend your hands are left with a soft smooth young look And here's an added note those swan suds rinse away so completely your dishes don't need wiping A real time saver so for a soap that protects your hands a soap that gets you out of the kitchen in a hurry You want the soap with the exclusive super creamed blend swan soap All world and I never knew it could be so revolting Me jane stacey the girl with all the answers had a fall for a guy who was only one step ahead of al So I said you know ermah, I've learned my lesson I'm going to stick with richard a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. That's what al says What do you mean, honey? He says why should he go looking for another chicken when he has a perfectly good cuckoo Sal has come through with a perfect description of my friend ermah ermah presented by swan another fine product of lever brother's company was produced and directed by sci-haward Tonight's script was written by sci-haward and park levee My friend ermah stars mary wilson is ermah and kathy lewis is jane The part of professor krapotkin was played by hans conry ladies listen The shortage of fats and oils is still very serious and it's worldwide So please keep on saving every drop of used kitchen fat. Your butcher will pay you for every pound frank bingman speaking Yes, there's a reason why spry makes grand cakes spry has an amazing cake Improver secret try the spry one bowl way and be sure of lighter finer richer cakes every time No other type of shortening has spry's cake improver for new cake making success try spry the pure all vegetable shortening Union next week one hour earlier and listen to the lux radio theater immediately followed by my friend ermah This is cbs where 99 million people gather every week the columbia broadcasting system