 I have gathered the two remaining members of the new High Council for this urgent trial of the human Anthony Amley, the murder, treason and illegally trying to transform himself into one of us. You aided the criminal tyrant Omega in a coup against me that has clearly and thankfully failed. Given the severity of the events outside this panopticon, yes that and the obvious nature of your crimes, I'm going to make this nice and quick. Anthony Amley, how do you plead? That's not my name. You have no right to the name you so desire. Turn fire, send those Daleks back into the Medusa Cascade in flames. We have a time Lord, words meant for the Doctor but fitting for you in these. Is this all you have to say in your defence? Mighty insults and denial of who you really are. That's what I thought. Lord Lamar, your verdict? Gildry. Lord Reeves, your verdict? Oh, you are going down, Amley. What kind of time, Lord, are you? The one with the real. Anthony Amley, you are sentenced to loom without regeneration. Gods, take him to the loom. My lords, with me, today we make our lord come back. Where is Omega? Out of sight, out of mind. Meaning? Attrash the mask. Oh, I see. First one back here with a fist full of plungers, gets the Doctor's last bag of jellybibers. What a life. As soon as I was cast all those years ago, I knew that truly becoming this role, that was my end game. Being sentenced by the time lords themselves. I can think of two things far more glorious. Escape. Good morning, sunshine. New desk. That's nice. Another dimension again, have I? Road! Oh, hello Russell. I do hope you're not trying to talk to me, as this is a pre-recorded message and would be very awkward. This is playing because I am now back in control of Doctor Who Road. And now, I have the writer's pen. I can start meddling around with the desktop theme again. As you know, Chippin'l made your place much smaller, as opposed to the large wonderland you had before. And now, I've given you a bit more space, as well as I've given you all my terrible willshacks and to listen to, I don't know how to do well. I was running out of space on my self-made big finish shelf. Nerd. What? Whilst I have everybody at my attention, I would like to say that the following Doctor Who Road members are still very much missing either Tennant, Mott Smith, Elizabeth Shaw and Rose Tyler. The current information shows that Stephen Moffat has something to do with it. We tried to get Moin foe off of Christopher Eccleston, but he's a bit shut up. But yes, if you see Moffat around, I'd take the shit out of him and then let us know and we'll be right over. Poor bugger. I know. Okay. Can you hear me or not? Well I can hear you. I miss Chippin'l already. Each shit. So to make sure everybody's got enough room, you should all be living in a room. I promise that nobody is living in a cupboard, but to make sure I've currently got my good friend, Derek Jackaby, going around and doing room checks. Inspection! Whoa! Whoa! Oh soldier, I'm just checking that your boat is, you know, habitable. Which it appears to be. I am so sorry, Derek. And so, um, have you been hiding? I've never seen you around. You know, this road, it's bigger than a lot of you seem to realise. But your doctors never seem to want to explore it beyond your own boundaries. At least the companions sent gift baskets. Well, well, I suppose I never thought. Perhaps some tea! Tonight! I'm free. Every night really, I'm free. I don't have much of a schedule. Don't exactly have to go to work or anything, you know. Just do what we want, really, isn't it? So, some tea tonight perhaps. Your place, my place. Up to you. Yes. Why not? Doctor to Master, eh? Oh, um, will John Hurt be there? I never knew where he ended up in this silly little road. Ooh. Oh, come on, you must know John. He's the war doctor. You know, time war audios. He presumably made some with you. Is none of that really ringing a bell? Okay, tonight! If you need someone to talk to before then, my door's always open! All right! What a strange fellow. Jesus fuck, you're still there. The war doctor. Time war. Time war. You're flat girls. And do report back with any hot gossip, eh? Love gossip. What does that even mean? You know, sink it at high of the halls, trap streets. If Eccleston ended up in a fucking cupboard again, you know, et cetera, et cetera. I hope not. For he's sake, you know. He's been through enough. Come on, Clara. Probably a lesbian bitch. I'm centenary taken. So, you can finally see again. Kind of, but not fully. Although, don't tell Clara that. Or not at all. See? That. Obviously. How about now? Yes. Even if I couldn't, I know what it is. That's not great. Neither have you two seen my main squeeze about. Just to make sure. She's actually there, right? Not a hallucination. Clara's dead. Humble, Bragg. And who exactly is your main squeeze? Jot. That has got to be some sort of a kink thing, right? Well, you're not wrong. I would say complain to Stephen Moffat himself for coming up with the idea, but, you know. Yes, quite. Anyways, I'm afraid it's a big end, though, Michelle. I certainly haven't seen him anywhere. And, well, Capaldi hasn't seen a gosh-arm thing. Okay, rude. But I can, although I'm kind of glad in this case, if I saw you and him together again, I would have some horrible, bill-related flashbacks. Well, to be fair, any amount of masters all in one room would be a truly terrifying sight that I hope not to see, especially not today. Four shadowing. As much as I love my time being wasted, I've got to go. Okay, so if you see him... Don't forget our poker game tonight. Okay, that was uncalled for. I feel it, you know. And I'm not the best at poker because I can't read the cards. I wonder what Sim's up to. Knowing him, something truly did age. Undecide whether you should live or die. Because you'll probably go to heaven. Please don't hang your head and cry. I want my Missy, my sexy lady self. Did you get lost in the new land? I believe you have me mistaken. You're sort of bang on the money. Well, well, well. Master number three returns. Or are you a different number these days? A big Finnish love missing a sub, don't they? I need your help. No, no! Me first! You can't come swanning in from a few months' vacation without giving me some deeps. Deeps details! Oh, Ailey, you need to get with the times with this modern master. Well, if you must know. I went to an alternate dimension. My doctor was real. I killed the real master and took his place. Yes, that was point number two. Oh, I teamed up with Hermaga in order to kill Paul McGat. Are those answers to your satisfaction? It's funny. That was a truly master. You know, it's funny you mentioned masterful. I aim to gather all us masters together. Partially to help out a new wildlife mine. But also to have a little chat with Davison. Well, before all that nonsense. One question. Do you think RTD made the tokla fame look like my boss on purpose? Because on close inspection, idiot! Why? When we had Sir Dedic Chakabee in the role, did RTD instead fart you out to the masses? Out of this? Days. Just a bunch of actors running around punching monsters that look like shit. I miss you, Brigadier. You watching yourself, John? Well, what do you expect me to watch? Love and monsters? Ew, gross! No, no. You need to watch Robot, of course. The finest doctor who ever served. Ever made. You would say that, you narcissist. People call tenants the vain doctor. I am not watching that episode again. A poor left-bridge look like a bloody fool. It's very true. Although, do you remember that bit where I tied Harry up in a cupboard and left him for dead? Oh yes, that bit was admittedly hilarious. I wonder where he is in this road. I don't know the last time I saw him. I just don't. He's not getting out for a while, let me tell you. So what are you after anyway? You're hardly one for a social call. I was one. If you had sensed something was... I suppose I did get a bit of a chill a few moments ago. I don't know about the dignity of something specific. But we closed the cracks. It's over, nothing else can get through. We only closed them from our side. That evil moth out bugger could have sensed something else through from his side. Or...someone. Be a good chap and lock that door, would you? Psychic energy. Didn't he die? At least that's what I assumed up until now. No, no, he was taken. No body was ever found. How my friend feels. Oh, TMI. Oh, grow up. I'll be back soon. I've got to find him. Again? Did you feel it too? Yes, I did. Ailey's back. Can you believe it? Stay where you are. Stay exactly where you are. I'm on my way to you now. Just checking your place is all up to code. Yes, yes, that's... Good wall. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess what RTD said on that video message thing. Although, didn't it sound like he was having a one-sided conversation with, like, someone else? Anyway. Yeah, no, sorry. I get a bit sidetracked in my own brain. I'm a bit socially awkward if you didn't know. I was giving Sasha the winotour earlier, actually. But you needed a piss. That was about ten minutes ago. God, sorry. Oh, tell you what, whilst you're here, do you fancy a cup of tea? Very kind of an offer. This way, is it? Yeah, yeah, straight through the head. You know the layout, you've seen it about 13 times. Oh, how many tea bags do you want? I usually have about 57 myself. It just sort of fills up the mug. I'm pretty much just drinking bags. Oh, thank God you're safe. Well, yes. Why wouldn't I be? Anthony wouldn't hurt a fly. Look, there's something I haven't told you. Bloody synchronous. Have we learned nothing from pre-colon unit? That synchronous from us had a very bad idea. I never intended to keep it forever. See, what happened was... Sorry, Paul. What did you do that for? Or so explain what you just did. I only saw a saw on it. It's, um, hard to explain. But I endeavoured to... Davidson, with me, just to discuss. Ah, sir, yes, sir! Ah, it's been too long. Capone, I'll see you around. Go on, friend. Hey! What about me? You, my aging friend, best stay with him down there. I only aged him up a couple of years to overwhelm him. Well, not him, but any attackers that I thought were... Jesus Christ. Anyway, good to see you, ain't they? I'll get off for a drink. Oh, um... Don't expect me, seed. That is merely the feeling of progress, my friend. You are going to love. I am ecstatic you've returned. Of course I am. Come on, something's not right. You must feel it, too. McCann even tried to warn me about you before you... You... You... You was after him. Relax! I'm in the ready door. I'm trumps! Gomez? Hello again. Roberts? Shit, sorry, sorry. I was in the can. Beavers? Slash Pratt? I'm unsure. Oh, you can just call me Crispy. Okay. So, what is this? Some sort of master family reunion? Duane is trying to find the last master. And I'd have gotten Delgado. It appears he's one of few that's managed to escape the road. But has it John Hurd joined him? Nice for some. It's a kind of him to invite us along. This is just my latest and greatest project. Do you want to know where I've been the last few months? Paris at Amour. Yeah, my guess like that, too. Like one minute, I'm this confident time lord with years of experience. And then the next I'm a complete dimwit drooling over my companion. It's a bit like that, is it? Not quite. It's difficult to explain. And being honest would make me sound rather insane. More insane than this road already is on its own. You mean what? Cybermen cracks in time? Said they'd be real in the future by yourself like that. No, but it's true. Even now. And I want to check the time. I look to this. This watch is me. I'm going to become human. It hasn't even worked, isn't it? Where did you get that from? I was found with it in the storm of an old TARDIS set. Only this. Is it important? You know what? If it's broken then it looks pretty broken. So why don't I have it? Right? Because I'm dead good at getting rid of fog watches. Like I'm the queen of it. And this all fun? Do I? Don't tell me. Are you the master now? Oh, you totally are, aren't you? Exactly. And I've been given a very important task to collect. You? Bee. The last piece of the master puzzle. You know, I thought you might need indoctrination. Wouldn't it be in masternation? But it looks like all we need is you. Okay. Right, Derek. Whatever you do, don't open that watch. Why not? It's just an old broken relic. Like me. I'll just do what I say, will ya? Are you really going to make me do this again? You would dare. It's time to use racism to win again. Now they can see the real you. You better not try and put shooty-gap on in this board. It'd be like a bloody minstrel show, wouldn't it? Look, I'm not happy about it either. Okay? Just for the record. This table, we're all connected now, so he knows. He knows something's got wrong. He's purging me from the hive mind. I guess so. That's good, right? Did you really need to scare him for that? And fast. Follow me. Multiple impossible things happening in less than an hour. Don't be hated when that happens. I'm gone. No, madam. We will go and get him together. What is your end game here? You got what you wanted. You're the master for real, good for you. Now what? Isn't it obvious? No. No, not anyway. My master, we should go now. We don't want to get too much time to plan ahead. You all go. I'm going to stay here and fill my good friend of me in until he does get it. Missy lead the charge. Didn't you know? The Moffat made me sexist towards her. Does Lucy sex again? Shit, have I always been sexist? Capaldi's in there. She's his master. Simple as that. Megan is in there too. He's my doctor. Yeah, that's better. I'm you dumbass. In fact, we're the only two masters with cat eyes. Missy, just leave them there now, will you? Instructions received. Come on, masters. Quick, man! Is this some sort of kink thing for you? I don't even go there. Only Aintley, a claim doctor. And my best friend. Yes. I recall. It hasn't changed. At least I hope not. You know, I rather enjoyed my... One thing I missed from here was you. A funny way of showing it. So, tell me, what's the point in messing with all these master minds, hm? It's good, isn't it? But that's more for a... But it does still work. Maybe if all of the other doctors were gone... You, my friend, would have more incentive to come with me. Are you inviting me on a date? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. To Gallifrey. You really are deranged. Of course it's real! He was taken through a crack and came back out safe and sound. That's all he told us. That settles it then. We're going there. Aintley, you have to stop this. I can help you. I can get your mind back to normal. You know as well as I do that all the villains here... Either disappear or die. I was sworn to secrecy by unit until the file was closed. Mostly out of respect for the bigger deal. But what I can say is that Aintley went crazy. Now he truly believes he is the master. Which makes him very dangerous indeed. So, in the last couple of weeks, we have had... Cybermen, Ottons and now the fucking master. Christ, what's next? Daleks, Clinides and Zagons. Don't jinx it! Like Jack has the budget for Daleks. I mean, did you see the Cybermen? Like, did you really see? Like, did you? Cos I did. About Jack. Um, Jacks, never mind. Hey, stay focused. Look, they're going to be here any minute. We need to find a hiding spot and fast. I can deal with Aintley. Don't piss off! Don't even bother going there. We all know that three doctors are better than one. Exactly! Besides, it's not just going to be Aintley. It's going to be all of them. You need our help. Capaldi, you can't even see properly. Hey, who said that? And Jodie, you need to make sure that Jackabee does not open that watch under any circumstances. The war, doctor! Time to war! What's your plan, smartass? Oh, that's a rude word. I'm going to convince him to take me in exchange for leaving the rest of you alone. You really think he's going to take that deal? Well, he does appear to be obsessed with the whole Doctor Master thing, so... Yes, kind of banking on it. Wonder who that could be? To see you, babes. You are exactly the same as you were this morning. What did the Master Hivemind Bollocks even do to you? Oh, that's simple. It added my urge to kill all of you. I regret asking. Okay, that's on me, guys. I apologize. Hello, Michelle. Sorry, Missy. Hello, Missy. Good to have you here. No offence to you, but I would like to talk to the Mr. Master in charge, so... If you wouldn't mind, bring... He's on the way. Oh, don't worry. He told us. It's necessary, so please. Oh, please! Cos I will be the shooting-house-elf. What do we say, brother man? That's too soon, Gomez. I can chain you up and suck all the life out of you. My Master, look, Eric. You could have explained our thing in a million different ways, so why is it that you went with that? Oh, now I can't say my thing, cos you've ruined the threat flow. Oh, go on, Beaver. See ya anyway. No, I should just hurt them now. I like them. Other? Instraction? You want him? You're all going to have to go through us. King of the cliches! It's a little bit of a meme, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. Whatever. There's a screwdriver that did bug her all the way to camp. We're gonna have a half hour nap. I'm fondly terrified. He said some cast to kill me. Chase! Cos I've only got one thing to say to you. Someone's not seen last of the time, lords, in a while. Isomorphic control. Top, you've already done this bit with me. You stole my quote! I did not come all the way back to this throne. To get notes! It appears you've not been telling your friends the whole truth. Shall we fix that today? I have never lied to anyone here. Not what I mean. Hi, Miss Whitaker. How are you? Do you mind telling me where Paul McGahn went when he disappeared from Doctor Who Road? You never even told them that. You fiend. The time went wibbly. I was with you for months, but for everyone here it was just... just an afternoon. Right, what are you talking about? Time isn't what you think it is. It's complicated. I'm a time lady. I can take it. Look, people assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually... Are you blinking me? Yes, I do appear to be, don't I? Apologies. What are you doing? This, yes. Moffat let me borrow some broadcasting equipment. I didn't... Funny enough, it's the same from that cyber invasion you all had recently. This place, I don't know. Anyways, you know what? I'll explain when you're big again. So, Robert, I know it's not your thing, but would you mind? Thank you. It's tissue compression time. No. No, don't you dare! No, no, please! No! If you're awake or if you're alive, I will get you out of here, I promise. You are alive across Doctor Who Road. So please do not swear. Fuck off. Oh, great. Now I have to bleep that. What if Daughter of Mine is watching? This is what's going to happen, okay? I am going to ask you questions, yes? And you are going to answer honestly. Answer dishonestly. And I instruct my master friends to start kicking down the doors of their respective doctors and doing whatever that arranged mind wants. Is that understood? You were taken last year. Where'd you go? I was taken to a dimension where the events and characters of Doctor Who... What? Now tell me, what foes did you encounter? Daleks and Davros himself. What others? Come on, spit it out. What others? Well, I suppose if memory serves their worth. We came across some Autons on their homeworld, as well as a very peculiar Cyberman. Both of which coincidentally attacked this road. Except it wasn't a coincidence, was it, McGann? In fact, I can tell you with confidence, that there is no other way. But because you never showed your face during these attacks. They presumed that all other doctors were me. They believed that I had just regenerated, I suppose. Exactly. And so, it could be very easily debated that... The disappearances of Tennant, Smith, Baker... Those adorable companions... They're all... Your fault. Anyways, enough continuity wanking. Basically, dear viewer, what happened was... He went to Caliphate. He went to Caliphate. Basically, dear viewer, what happened was... He went to Gallifrey. He started the time war that he was so desperate to avoid. And then finally, to top it all off, inadvertently... Started two invasions that led to the disappearances of your dear friends. Did I miss anything there? That's a bit of an oversimplification. More or less true. Now that I've gotten some cheap revenge points... Missing! Bring me Davison. It's time to get onto the real reason why I'm here. What do you want with him? A master needs his doctor. We're going home. What do you even want with me, Malfat? You've already stolen people from me, including my biggest cash cow Tennant. What more could you possibly want? I just wanted to do this in my old office. Well, sort of old office. It's kind of changed twice since I was last head of right, haven't it? You get what I mean. What can I say? I'm nostalgic. Plus, now that my evil's out in the open, I can be seen being a cunt with nothing to lose. Get ready to say goodbye to a couple more doctors, Russell. Very soon a cracking time will reopen. Sending us back home where we can finally live out our collective fantasies in peace. I never wanted that. I just like playing pretend. That's why I became an actor for God's sake. Liar! He's not lying. But that is what I want. So come on, take me instead. Leave him. No. Davison is my doctor. That is how it is in the show. So that is how it will be in real life. Then what's the point in bringing me along as well? A doctor needs his master, you said. So where do I fit into this narrative? I'm thrilled that you asked. I wouldn't dare. Please, you're empty handed. Have a master all to yourself. I forgot I did that. I needed some cheaper revenge points. Long story. That's how it was written, so that is how it must be. Why are you not the war master? Doesn't matter. You'd better be ready, only. Just another doctor down, I see. Yes. Hello again, Paul. Good to see you again. Anthony, let's go. Before you make an arse of yourself in two dimensions. What will happen to him? Well, the trial actually happened months ago. A.K.A. earlier today. Wibbly wobbly. So he will be placed back in his loom. After all this, he gets to live. That's an ugly pro-murder Stan Stevenson. Oh my God, where's my beard? He's the master for God's sake. We all know how this is going to go. He's going to come back somehow and he's going to kill every single one of us. I am not looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life because of this one arsehole. If it helps, being put in a loom is basically death. We just can't say it for legal reasons. Is that right? Well, yes, take him then. Why not? There goes our friendship, Sam. You threw away our friendship the moment you decided to become the master. How could I be friends with some murderer psychopath? You did it in the show. The show is a text that can't be diverted from. That is fiction. You moron. Wait, how about a counter-offer? I could have helped him in the other dimension, your dimension, but I was too wrapped up in my doctor persona to truly see that. So what if you keep him here? I can look after him. He'll be my responsibility. Sorry to butt in, but has this road always been this weird? I've been out of the game for a while. I'm not having him breathe anywhere near me ever again after today. Do you hear me? Let Ramana take him. What are you doing, McGann? It's certainly a tempting offer. It's less to do on our part. Fully busy with this war. No, no, no, no, no, no. I have already been Omega's pet. I'm not being this dicks now. Well, I mean, if he hates it, then what choice do I have? It's perfect. McGann, you are here by... Ah, okay, right. Look, you were in that dimension for so long. You must have found a way to regenerate. I never did. I tried so hard, man. No dice. Don't be stupid. You're the master, for God's sake. Do you hear me? The master. Staying alive is your whole thing. Ramana, there has to be a way to let him regenerate. Perhaps take him to Kahn. He was sentenced to loom without regenerating. Well, it's my responsibility now, so tell me, is that possible? In theory, yes. That's a yikes. Okay, right. Abort, abort, no! It's not over this, preggie. We're already doctors down and... See this? This is what I want. Keep looking for them, please, our friends. Keep looking for them, but don't bother with me. I'm going home. I win. Not in the way. Turn soon, old friend.