 Ladies and gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. If you like good beer, you'll find it pays to be curious and learn about Schlitz for yourself. That's around us here today. Colleagues, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. Dr. Hall, William Toddler Hall, the president of Ivy, has problems shared by Mrs. Hall, the former Victoria Cromwell of the London stage. Problems not entirely curricular. An immediate worry concerns the sudden and so far undiagnosed illness of a last night's dinner guest, Mr. Clarence Wellman, who's now recovering everybody hopes from an outrageously swollen nose in the extra bedroom. Todd, may I tell you something? Of course, my dear. What is it? You are the only man I know who can pace back and forth while sitting motionless in a chair. Well, I'm worried, Victoria. Seeing the nose of the chairman of the board of governors turn a violent crimson, immediately after he is dined as a guest in one's house, is a privilege granted few college presidents. I say privilege in the sense that seeing the Grand Canyon at sunset is a privilege. Do you think Penny did something to his gluten bread? There's nothing you can do to gluten bread. You either eat it or throw it away. But, Mr. Wellman's illness distresses me. He and I have clashed over policy ever since his election to the board, and he's almost certain now, consciously or unconsciously, to lay both his nose and his stomach squarely at my door. Well, really? Well, you know what I mean. Do you suppose he'll recover in time to participate in the charter day ceremony? I doubt it. He'd never have stayed here all night unless he really felt awful, and his nose looked it. Couldn't you postpone it for a while? Prespone the charter day ceremony? Yes. Why must it begin precisely at 10 o'clock? Well, for the same reason that the guards at Buckingham Palace wear those towering bearskins instead of our freshman beanies. It's traditional. It's been traditional for the charter day ceremony to begin at 10, ever since that morning back in 1640, when the Governor of the Colony granted a small group of pirates, smugglers, and slave dealers the right to found the college for the propagation of all virtues. Virtues which, by the way, if practiced by the founders, would have kept them much too poor to do anything of the sort. Now, I... Lost the thread? I seem to have lost the entire spool. Oh, yes, yes. I was discussing tradition. Now, I hold no brief for tradition as such, but there are some traditions which are valuable and should I feel be maintained, especially in these days when the notion prevails that the highest aim of all human endeavor is to guess correctly for a fabulous prize the name of some popular song. I also... Excuse me, sir. Oh, what is it, Benny? A young man at the door. Says he's a photographer from some picture magazine. Oh, yes. Have him come in. Yes, sir. A photographer. Yes, the publishers phoned yesterday and asked if they could send someone to take pictures for an early issue. In addition to shots of the ceremony, they want a few of me. You know, the sort of thing, the president of Ivy having breakfast, donning his cap and gown and... Silly, of course, but then to bother, but perhaps of value to the school. Shall I leave? No, no, no, not at all. I don't think you'll disturb him. He'll merely photograph me at this end of the room. Where are my cap and gowns? On the chair, behind you. Do I look all right? Like the very model of a college president. Dr. Hall? Yes, good morning. I'm Lufa Bland of Exposure Magazine. Of course, how do you do? Victoria, may I introduce Mr. Bland? Mr. Bland? Vicky Cromwell, isn't it? Yes, but that is... I was before... I was in love with you once for a whole week. Oh, how nice. When you entertain the troops at Anzio, you don't remember me, of course, but I can still hear you singing, Cool Eight Eye the One, though. Mr. Bland, I was thinking that if you did come here to take pictures... Oh, yes, sir. Perhaps one of me is standing here near the window. Would you mind raising the blind, sir, for a bit more light? Yes, sir. How's that? Swell. Now, Mrs. Hall, if I could trouble you for a smile... Like this? Yes. Dr. Hall, you're throwing a shadow on it. Perhaps if you stood behind me. Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course. Good. Now, hold it, Mrs. Hall. Now, this might make a good one. One of me is sitting at the table. Mrs. Hall, I'd like one of you... Well, one of you with your eyes sort of crinkling above the rim of the coffee cup. How's this? Dr. Hall. Yes? If you held back the curtain, it would be a better highlight in her hair. Good. But stand back a bit further, or you'll be in the frame. Yes, yes, we mustn't have that, must we? A bit more crinkle, Mrs. Hall? Good. That's a very nice camera you have. I even remember the dress you wore at Anzi Hall. It was intended that everyone showed. I used to own a camera. We remembered you all right, Mrs. Hall. The dress and everything in it. I'm very flattered, Mr. Bland. It was a brownie box camera. First prize for Sunday school attendance. Sort of hold up the coffee, Mrs. Hall, as though you were about to pour. That's it. Had a little carrying strap, I remember. Now, Dr. Hall. Yes? How about one of you? Well, it's weird. You have any film left? Well, what of you with Mrs. Hall? Now, let's see now. Well, suppose she sort of fixes your tie. Oh, like this? Exactly. I think I'll shoot it over Dr. Hall's shoulder. No, no, don't turn your head around to me, sir. Look at her. Yeah, please. If I may suggest a caption. The former Miss Borat Victoria Cromwell star of English stage and friend. Well, I think that will give me all we need on this angle. Really? All you need? Now, sir, can you tell me something about the ceremony itself? So I'll have an idea on how to plan my shots. Well, at 9.55, there will be a knock at my front door. It'll be a messenger from the Chief Proctor. Because, to me, the messenger is the youngest member of the student body. Who is it this year? A prodigy named Merton Savada, who is, I believe, not quite 14. A freshman at 13? No, not a freshman. He is at present working for his master's degree. He took his A-B at Columbia last year. Then, at 10 o'clock, the procession will come to a halt in front of this house. And the Chief Proctor will knock upon the door three times with his staff of office. Your readers may be interested in a picture of that staff, because picture magazines do have readers, don't they? I think some of our subscribers can read. Yes, yes, yes. Well, the practice staff was fashioned from the limb of a walnut tree. Sent as a gift by the University of Paris and brought to this country by Benjamin Franklin. At the knock, I opened the door and, accompanied by the Chairman of the Board, stand on the front steps. At our appearance, a tenor soloist sings Gaudiama Zigitta, a capella. He is very, very impressive, Mr. Bland. I get a lump in my throat every time I see it. Well, then the Chairman of the Board takes his place at the head of the procession and leads it to the chapel. I follow. Once there, several hymns, a few speeches, the reading of the charter, and it's all over. Well, it sounds most interesting. Doctor, thanks very much for your help, sir. I'll be going over to the North Gate now. Yes, I hope I didn't spoil any of your pictures by getting my shadow into them. I don't think so. I was pretty careful. Goodbye, Mrs. Hall. Wonderful to have seen you again. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Right. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, nice young man. How well you describe the charter day, Toddy. There's so many things that puzzle me about these school ceremonies, you always manage to make them so clear. Thank you, but what sort of things, Vicki? Well, for instance, why is it that ceremony where you award the diplomas called commencement, when it always comes at the end of the school year? That's a very good question. I thought so. Well, commencement, as everyone knows. Knows. You know, Vicki, I have a theory about Mr. Wellman's nose. I suspect that it's the result of simple, ordinary stage fright. Yes. I think that he is so terrified of making a speech at the charter day ceremonies that his subconscious mind has come rushing to his aid with the geranium effect on his nose. He wants to be excused from speaking and doesn't even realize it. Well, I certainly know a lot of ways to pre-stage fright. For example? It's all a matter of psychology. Every actress is a practicing psychologist, you know, whether she knows it or not. Yes, but in Mr. Wellman's case... In Mr. Wellman's case, we must first make up our minds that we will simply ignore his nose. That's quite a hurdle, Victoria. It's a bit like asking a traveling architect to ignore the Taj Mahal. Nevertheless, dear, we must not concentrate on the very thing we're trying to relieve. In his case, his nose. What do we concentrate on? If I may end a sentence with a preposition, and in my own home, I think I may. We must not prefer to his nose. We must build up his confidence in himself with praise. We must say nice things to him. What can we say nice about Mr. Wellman? Hmm. Can you give me a few minutes on that? Certainly, dear. Now, let me see. I have never seen him actually kick the dog. I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Before we return to the halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman, let's visit a psychology professor on another campus. He wants to tell you how scientific curiosity led him to make a pleasant discovery. Well, I'm a professor all right, but not the absent-minded variety. This is somewhat of a disappointment to my wife and two daughters who would like nothing better than a good excuse for directing my activities. As it is, they do pretty well without one. After last semester, for example, they packed me off to a dude ranch for a vacation. My instructions were to forget psychology and experiments. I tried. But the very first day, circumstances forced me to conduct what I like to call my favorite unsuccessful experiment. I was watching a group of guests come in from a horseback ride. It was hot that day and they were tired and dusty, but our host seemed to know just what to do. He hustled out cool bottles of beer, flits I noticed from the labels. This beer was greeted with smiles of welcome that changed to looks of pleasure as the guests drank. I began wondering, as a psychologist, mind you, what there was about Schlitz to cause such a marked reaction of pleasure. So I tasted Schlitz and my experiment collapsed. How could I maintain my scientific attitude when I wanted so hard to concentrate on the famous Schlitz flavor? I waited till next day to try another glass and again had the same wonderful reaction. Now that I'm home, I keep my own supply of Schlitz. Of course, I'm no longer experimenting. I drink Schlitz for the pleasure it gives me. And when I serve it to my friends and see the looks of satisfaction on their faces, I can't help thinking to myself, no wonder they call Schlitz the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Let's surround us here today. Now that Dr. Hall has had a few minutes to think of some redeeming feature of Mr. Wellman's character, and remember not to concentrate on his nose. Maybe he...no, too late. Here's the subject himself. Ah, good morning, Mr. Wellman. Good morning to you both. Won't you sit down? Thank you. Is there something amiss with my necktie? You both keep staring at me. No, no, no. It's a very handsome necktie. I was admiring it. Thank you. My daughter gave it to me. I have always believed she has excellent taste. Oh, her good taste is quite obvious, Mr. Wellman. As plain, in fact, as the... As the shoes on your feet. That's rather a knob, similarly. I do hope you're feeling better this morning. I'm still a bit queasy. Oh, that's too bad. I...I wonder if you'd care to try a rather old remedy many people I know have used with much success. I would be grateful for all lost anything. Well, what did you have in mind, Victorian? Have we any shingle nails, William? Shingle nails? Shingle nails? Isn't that a rather ridiculous... Ah, never mind. Let it go. I...I knew you would think it was ridiculous, Mr. Wellman. No, Mrs. Hall, I'm sorry. Tell me, I don't care if this idea was suggested by a Hindu voodoo man. You...you were saying something about shingle nails. How do I eat them? You don't eat them, Mr. Wellman. You place the point of the nail against your left thumb, put the head of the nail against your right thumb, and think about something else for five minutes. Will you go get a shingle nail, William? Well, don't just stand there, Dr. Hall. Get her a shingle nail. Um, I...a shingle nail. Yes, yes. I'll see if I can find one. Thank you, dear. Now, please sit down, Mr. Wellman. No, thank you. No, I'm too restless, Mrs. Hall. This shingle nail thing. I've often wondered just how much scientific basis there was for some of our odd superstitions. Perhaps this shingle nail business has some magnetic property that, well, and I'll steal now, an electric, a negative, and a positive, and all that. Well, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. I'm sorry, Vicky, but I couldn't find the shingle nail, but here's a horseshoe nail with that, too. Wonderful, William. Simply wonderful. It really takes a horseshoe nail. I had no idea there was one in the house. But, um, I think a shingle nail is a good thing to have in reserve. Just in case. Take another look. Will you please? Yes, I'll be very glad to. That's a dear. I think I know exactly what you want. Well, let me take the nail there, Mrs. Hall. Now, how do I hold it? I like this. No, no. The point against the left thumb. That's it. Now, the head against the right thumb. Now, just hold it. We'll just talk. Get your mind off it. What shall we talk about? Oh, yes. The weather. Television. Stock market. Your speech. That's it. Your speech. What did you plan to say at the Charter Day ceremony, Mr. Wellman? Well, I open by saying ladies and gentlemen. That's very good. Very good. It is? Of course it is. Because after all the people you're talking about too are ladies and gentlemen. Now, keep the point of the nail against your left thumb. Oh, yes. It struck me as being a rather good way to start. Oh, yes, it is. Now, keep the head against the right thumb. See, that's it. That's it. Now, then what do you say? And then I say, we are gathered here today. That's nice. Uh-huh. You like that, Mrs. Hall? Yes, yes. I do, Mr. Wellman. After all it is today. And they will be gathered there. It has something of the truth and simplicity of the Gettysburg Address. And then how does your speech go, Mr. Wellman? And then I say, we are gathered here today to honor the men and women who, by their noble deeds, send them away. Dear, I heard it. But that's your cue. Yes. I mean, you're on. Vicki, I may be on, but I'd prefer to have the reminder couched in slightly more formal terms. This is an occasion of some importance. May I go with you? Of course. I'll just stand here offstage and watch. That was funny, I thought. Good morning, sir. Oh, there you are, down there. Good morning, sir. Good morning, Master Scholar. It is my pleasure, sir, as well as my duty to inform you that I bear a message from the Chief Proctor. What is the message, Master Scholar? Sir, the faculty and the students escorting the charter bearing the seal of the colony are approaching. Thank you, Master Scholar, and good morning. Good morning to you, sir. Shouldn't you be getting ready? Well, the procession will take a little time to get here, but I should get started. Let me help you on with your robe, Toddy. Now, there, that's it. Oh, you do look pretty. Thank you, my dear. Where is Mr. Wellman? Has your medicine cured him? I think so. He told me so himself. Oh, he wouldn't miss the boat. Not that I'm against boat missing. In fact, darling, I like people who miss boats. Well, if that's a personal reference, my dear, missing a boat was the most intelligent thing I ever did. The young Professor Hall on board ship with only a few minutes remaining of his five months sabbatical in England. His last few dollars invested in a passage from Southampton back home to New York, and his emotions invested in a beautiful actress whom he would probably never see again. That's the last going ashore warning. Yes, I know. And I haven't got a ticket. So if you don't mind letting go of me, I'd better be home. Can't possibly be the last warning. They must give several good heavens. They don't expect people to dash aboard and hand somebody a basket of fruit and dash off again. Oh, Vicki, I... I wish they'd play something a little less sentimental, don't you? Yes. It's difficult enough to wish a friend goodbye on New Year's Eve. Well, I'm not underscoring it like that. I hate saying goodbye to you anywhere at any time, Victoria. Oh, mere words at times like these. I haven't many words either, William. About three, in fact. Little ones. Three little words? For me? Vicki, you don't mean... Yes. I'll miss you. Oh, yes. That is three words, isn't it? You know, it's going to be hard to concentrate on my work when I get back to the United States. I like that. I'll forever be thinking such thoughts as, this is Monday. It was on a Monday that Victoria and I drove to Stratford to see Shakespeare's home. We stopped for Buns of Amber across on the way. And on Tuesday, it was a Tuesday that Victoria and I visited Madame Tussaud's wax works. Yeah, and you tried to tip the wax door, man. On a Thursday... Oh, Vicki, I wish we had it all to do over again. Perhaps we can. Sometime soon. I'm afraid not soon, dear. Professors, don't get sabbaticals every year. I know. But the play I'm in might be produced in New York. When? Has it been... Did you... has anything been said about it? No, but something's going to be. Oh, good. Vicki! Yes? Will you remember the address I gave you and write to me? Yes. Of course I will, dear. I promise. And if you let go my hands, I'll cross my heart. I don't want to let you go, Vicki. Ever. I... Yes, I know. Vicki! Vicki, I love you very much. Will you marry me? Thought you were going to leave without asking me. I almost did. Oh, darling, darling. What's that? Oh, it's the steward. Yes, steward, take my luggage ashore. I'm not sailing. Come on, Vicki. William, dear, it's Mr. Wellman. Oh, good. He's just in time. I say, Wellman, take these bags off the ship. I'm taking the next one. I don't know. That's a good chap. No, no, William. It's Mr. Wellman, our guest. Well, why doesn't he take the luggage, eh? Our guest. Were you talking about these, Dr. Hall? And what luggage? Oh, it's you, Mr. Wellman. I'm sorry. William, where have you been? I'm afraid I was a little bit at sea, my dear. Or almost. I'm sorry, Mr. Wellman. It was... Oh, good heavens. What happened to your nose? It looks like a nose again. It doesn't, though. It doesn't. That's exactly what it looks like. That's a remarkable remedy you possess, Mrs. Hall. Horseshoe layer. Remarkable, remarkable, entirely remarkable. And may I say, Dr. Hall, that your robe is extremely becoming. Thank you. I hope mine has as fine a drape. Well, I've seen a reason why it shouldn't. You'll be in the ceremony, Mr. Wellman. Oh, of course. Of course. Of course. Wouldn't miss it for the world. Going to read a speech. Good speech, too. Dictated myself. Reminded Mrs. Hall of Lincoln's Gettysburg address. Oh, I'm delighted. Here. Let me help you on with your gown. Here. There it is. Our caps, if you please, Victoria. Thank you. Are you ready, sir? I am. My arm, Mrs. Hall. Already, Doctor. What do you think, Mr. Hall? You always think when I hear that, son. Socrates questioning the Athenian youth. Renaissance students obtaining licenses to beg their way through college. Dr. Einstein playing his violin. Safe on the campus of Princeton instead of being a bit of charred bone at Buchenwald or Auschwitz. Sir Francis Bacon catching the cold from which he died by stuffing a fowl with snow to test the theory of refrigeration. And astronomers alone in observatories on cold and starry nights and the inscription carved about the library entrance, you shall know the truth and the truth will make you free. Vicki, look. There goes Wellman. But the devil was that shingle nonsense you gave him. What is the nonsense if it works, dear? And it did work. Look at him. See how he squared his shoulders. I just gave him back a little self-confidence and his nose deflated like a great big red inner tube. It was fascinating. I imagined it was. Why don't you ever give me a treatment like that? You don't need it, Toddy. I'm so sure of that today. I'm afraid this speech of mine is a trifle week. Your speech is another week. How does it go? Well, I begin by saying honored visitors, governors, gentlemen of the faculty and students. Spend it, spend it. You think so? Yes, perfect. How does it go from there? Well, then I say having but recently been reappointed as president of Ivy College. Oh, William, that's wonderful. Because you were just recently appointed. Go on. It is my considered opinion that in the ensuing semester the plans which we have formed you know, maybe this speech is better than I thought. Anyway, after that, I say... Yes, dear? You can even do it without a nail, can't you? I was curious. I tasted it. Now I know why Schlitz is the beer that made Milwaukee famous. Again, our master, Mrs. Ronald Coleman. You know, my dear, your choice of that horseshoe nail I thought was very silly at first but I'm beginning to regard it as being richly symbolic. Symbolic? For what? For goodness' sake. Well, of Mr. Wellman's being continually under foot. Did I ever recite my little verse on superstition? I rather fancied myself as a poet when quite young. Go on. I'd love to hear it. Well, to the best of my memory it went, from ancient days the symbols came, the sign, the amulet, the charm, the seal, the ring, the coin, a name to conjure with and shield from harm. Faith in and dread of all these things is one of man's great racial quirks. But down through time the question rings, why scorn the gimmick if it works? I think that's wonderful. But is it just superstition when it works? Do you mean that? Vicki, that's why poets live in inaccessible gadgets so no one can ask them what they mean. Good night, everyone. Good night. Next week at this time at the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. The other players were Herbert Butterfield, Gloria Gordon, Peter Leeds, and Henry Blair. Tonight's script was written by Walter Brown Newman and Don Quinn. Our music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The Halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Wolfe, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking. Oh, we love that surround us here today. For most of these same NBC stations.