 We invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Sy Howard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J Carol Nash, with Alan Reed as Pasquale. Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Dear Mamma Mia, since my countryman Pasquale is bringing me over from Italy a year and a half ago, I'm learned to act like a real American. All day long I'm a chugum. I'm never see a movie without it in a popcorn. And when I'm about to buy a newspaper, first thing I'm reading is a Dick Tracy. I'm even getting used to the faster life of here. Yes, everything here is a faster. Speed, the speed, the speed. Even the things that they sell, they got a whiz. That's the name of a candy bar. They got a zoom. That's the name of a cereal. They got a speed queen. That's the name of a washing machine. Only place where they're not so fast is in a saloon. There they sell a slaw gin. But I'm very happy to be in America, even though my countryman Pasquale is a nervous stopper reminding me that he's bringing me over here. And he's a nervous stopper trying to make me marry his a fat daughter, Rossi. Mamma mia, she's a fat. When a Rossi is a step on a Toledo scale, Ohio must have an earthquake. Laterally Pasquale is a try harder than ever to make me marry Rossi. He's telling me if I marry her, he's gonna make things lighter for me. But I'm gonna like that. If I'm gonna marry his a fat daughter, he's gonna be lighter for Pasquale and a heavier for me. Anyway, Pasquale is asking me to come in to his spaghetti palace about the something important. So I'm gonna walk in. Luigi, my friend. I love Luigi. I love, I love. Hello Pasquale. You want to see me about the something? Luigi, my little pumpkin ahead. I've got something very important I want to talk to you about. If I was it to ask you if you want to marry Rosa, wouldn't your answer be no? Yes. Yes. Luigi, my son, I accept your proposal. Oh, I'm so glad you changed your mind. Kiss me. No, no, don't touch you. I'm a no-proposal, I'm an antagonist. Please, Luigi, marry Rosa. No. Just the once. No Pasquale, she's a too fat for me. Luigi, she's a losing weight. If you could see my little angel, how sweet she's a look today, you would be crazy for her. Maybe I call her you see for yourself. No, please, please, Pasquale. Just to take one look at it, do me this favor. All right. Good. Rosa. Rosa. Rosa. Thank you, my little sparrow. Come here and say hello to Luigi. Hello, Rosa. Smells good. Luigi, don't a Rosa smell nice? Rosa, what have you been using? You're after shave, Rosa. Isn't she cute? Like a father, like a daughter. Well, Luigi, what do you think? Well, I don't think I'm going to like her for my night to school class. Goodbye. I wait, Luigi. This is something very important, I got to tell you. Save it, Pasquale. Right now, I'm too happy. I'm afraid. I'm over 21 and I'm a single. What a joy. America, I love you. Hello, Luigi. Hello, Mr. Pellegrino. Congratulations, Luigi. Thank you, Mr. Pellegrino. Huh? Congratulations. You like a papa to me. Hello, Luigi Hire. Hello, Andre Sanno. Congratulations, Luigi. I love you all, boys and girls. Thanks. Boys and girls, congratulations. Must be some mistake. Oh, well, from ocean to ocean. I give my life to you. All right, class. Quiet. I'll call the roll. Mr. Bascoe. Present. Mr. Harwood. Present. Mr. Olsen. Present. Mr. Schultz. In the words of Abraham Lincoln, I cannot tell a lie. Present. Mr. Schultz. George Washington said that. Miss Spaulding, you are calling Lincoln a liar? All right, Mr. Schultz. Now, before we begin our lesson, Mr. Bascoe, we would all like to congratulate you. Congratulations. Congratulations. What for? Luigi, don't be so bashful. We all got the invitation, so you're finally getting married to Rosa. What? Here comes the bride, all dressed in white. Here comes Luigi, the champagne and his eyes. Wait, everybody. What's the wedding? What's the invitation? Well, we all have the same invitation, Mr. Bascoe. Here, I'll read it. Mr. Bascoe has the honor to announce the marriage of his daughter Rosa to Mr. Luigi Bascoe. What? The ceremony will take place at 23 North Holster Street. Stop. Wait. Wait. That's not true. I'm all mixed up. Of course you are all mixed up. Nobody ever gets married unless he's a little for shimmer. But listen, everybody. It's a mistake, I'ma tell you. It's all a mistake. Listen to him. Already it talks like a married man. But a horowitz isn't not the possible. I'ma never propose it to Rosa. Luigi, what man proposes to that woman? For one's own misright, women are always proposing to the men. Everybody knows that. Except maybe songwriters. Mr. Schulte, I take exception to that. But of course, you ain't married yet. Now everybody knows that women do the proposing. But they do it in such a sneaky way. For three months, the girl takes the fella around to see her father and mother. She makes him play with the neighbors' babies. She cooks him fancy meals. Her father makes the down payment on the ring. Then she kicks him from the back so he falls on his knees. Then when he says, will you marry me, she says, this is so sudden. Well, people, you're not to listen to me. You don't understand. I'ma not to get in a marriage. Marriage is the right thing. It's not good for a man to live alone. Luigi, are we going to get dressed up for your marriage? Are we going to dance? No, no, no, no. It's not going to be. Please excuse me. I'm going to see Pasquale right now. Pasquale. Now, Luigi, take easy. Pasquale. Luigi, remember, I'm an old man and my blood's got a lot of pressure. It's very high. Impossible, Pasquale. You're the lowest thing that I've ever lived. That's the first time in my life I'm ever here a man who should have sent out the wedding invitations without the bridegroomer should have known about it. Oh, sir, that's what's about it with you. Luigi, I swear, I was going to send you an invitation. Who are you? Take your hands off. Pasquale, you called off for that wedding. But Luigi, I can't. The whole neighborhood is in our body. That's because of your sentiment of invitations. Everybody is congratulating me. Well, don't it feel good? Yeah. Here, is it like all the fishes is congratulating a little sardine because he's going to be swallowed by the whale? Look, Luigi, is it going to be such a beautiful wedding? Is it going to be food, dance, music, 100 people? 99. I'm not going to be there. All right, don't get married. Then what's going to happen to all those who were in the presence that you cover for you? What were in the presence? Come here to your store. I'll show you. Pasquale, how's it possible that people should have sent the presents so quickly? You see your little punk in the head. Everybody's a dyin' to see you marry Rosa. They're dyin' and it's in my funeral. Look at these presents. It must be at least a 25. Look at what you got, a clock, a electric shave, a movie camera. Mamma Mia, is it like the presents? That's right, my son. Are they all yours? Pasquale, is it no use? I'm going to send all those presents back to the people who've sent them to me. What? That's right. There's a keystone, a movie camera. I'm going to send them back to Mr. Keystone. Don't be stupid, Luigi. That's the name of the camera. Well, all right. Then inside these boxes there must be little cards telling who's to send these things. Luigi, I've got bad news. Somebody is accidentally bailing out all of those little cards. You can send back these presents. Mamma Mia, I'm stuck. Pasquale, how am I going to run away? You're going to... It's something I'm never told you, Luigi. A law here says that aliens have got to get married a year and a half after they arrive, or they libly get deported. Where? Where, Pasquale? Where has it written this law? Where is it written? Is it written in no place? That's what they call the unwritten law. Oh, no. And another thing. Look, Luigi, if you don't marry Rosa, you violate the United States of Constitution. Constitution? That's right. Wedding invitations were printed in a union printer shop. And if you stop this marriage, that's a violation of freedom of the press. Mamma Mia, I'm against the written law of the Constitution, of violation of the press, and all these presents are here, and I'm a no-no-who to send them back to. Yes, you think hard. How is it going to look for all your friends if you show up for the marriage? Rosa is to say, I do? Is there nobody there to do too? Sooner the hall in the neighborhood is a talk of how Vasco is a breaker girl's heart. Walter Winchill is to get a wind, and he's to say, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. What the fellow is to walk around without the wife? And for this, he's to get a one-ascalia. You're going to be the most unpopular fellow in the whole of the United States. That's quality. Voice of America broadcasts a snitch to Europe about you. Churchill is a television skit. Everybody's going to hate you. You're going to be Luigi Vasco, man, or without a country. Where are you going to get a marriage? What do you say, my child? All right, the pub. And now, for the second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Italy. And it's so mom and me. It's a Saturday night for now. And in a half hour, you're asleep. I'm not going to sleep. I'm not going to sleep. It's a Saturday night for now. And in a half hour, you're a son of Luigi. He's about to become your son in the law. Yes, I'm getting married. I'm sorry I couldn't invite you to the wedding, but I didn't know about it to myself until a few days ago. Anyway, mom and me, I'm sitting in the back of my store now in a tight tuxedo and a higher hat that a Pascuali is a rental for me. And I'm going to feel just like Uncle Pietro is a goatee before he gets eclipsed. All this time, I'm begging a Pascuali to call off the wedding. But even if I'm going to convince him, would it still do me no good? Rosa is so happy. When she's a find out I'm going to marry her, she's going to rush over to me, open up her mouth, and he kissed me. Mom and me, for a minute I thought I was going to lose in my head. And yesterday, she's a sneak up behind me and a give me a hug. Today I'm a breathing with the one along. Mom and me, if only it was a summer way out of this. Luigi, you look wonderful. You look beautiful. Luigi, you look very fine, beautiful. Thank you, Mr. Pellegrino. Luigi, you should see Pascuali's store. Oh, that's all fixed up like a Christmas tree. Believe me, Luigi, my boy's bar mitzvah wasn't better than this. Mr. Basko, may I offer you my congratulations? Thank you, Mr. Spaulding. Hey, Luigi, you know who's going to marry a real judge. A judge? What is this? A wedding or a traffic violation? Oh, Pascuali is spending a lot of money on this wedding. He even hired the wealthy angel as the same. Luigi, my fellow boob. Oh, look at you. In that tuxedo, you look good enough to be buried. Oh, family Luigi, we all are going to go back to the store now. Ceremony is a start any minute. Yeah, don't be nervous, Luigi. All right, I want to go by my friends and thank you for the present. The present? I didn't send you mine yet. No, I didn't send you mine either. Do you want to send the presents? No. It must be somebody else's. Well, goodbye. Goodbye. Schultz, who's ascending me all those presents? I don't know. But Luigi, she's up, she smiles. But it ain't every day in your life you get married. Thank heavens. Schultz, you don't understand. I'm another one of this marriage. But Squally hasn't sent out all the invitations without asking me. What? All these presents that come from somebody I don't know who sent them and I don't know who to send them back to. I was hooked. Luigi, you wasn't hooked, you was harpooned. Schultz, so what am I going to do? If the super chief was running through this store right now, who would I have advice for you? But don't worry, Luigi. I'm going to think of something for you. But Schultz says it's too late. No, maybe not. I'm in the delicatessen business. And if anybody should know how to get you out of a pickle, that's me. Mamma mia, dare it this. Yeah, Luigi, that's for you. They are sounding taps. Get ready to walk the last mile. Come on, Luigi. Hey, Schultz, stop keeping him here. It's time for the bridegroom to make the entrance. Don't worry, Luigi. I think of something to stop the wedding. Come on, Schultz, so we can back to the store. Luigi, you've marched here. They're looking good of myself. I'm going to try my best. Oh, Schultz, I'm so happy it's the day of my life. Look at the store, it's beautiful, you know? No. What? Look, Olsen, here comes Luigi down the aisle. He jumped in Yemeni, he looks like a ghost at a Halloween party. Look, Olsen, here comes Rosa. Olsen, look at her. She's crying and Luigi's dying. But we can be alone and faith renew. If you don't stop, we're going to have another the Yonestown flood. One find the house where those flowers grow. And now do you, Rosa, take Luigi Basko as your lawful wedded husband To love, honor and cherish him till death do you part And now do you, Luigi Basko, being of sane mind and sound body Take this woman Rosa as your lawful wedded wife To love, honor and cherish To care for her in sickness and in health Until death do you part Do you, Luigi Basko, being of sane mind and sound body Take this woman Rosa as your lawful wedded wife To love, honor and protect her To care for her in sickness and in health Until death do you part Answer yes or no Judge, what's the punishment if I'm a sane man? Ninety days. Please, your mind repeat the question. Do you, Luigi Basko, being of sane mind and sound body Take this woman Rosa as your lawful wedded wife To love, honor and protect her To care for her in sickness and in health Until death do you part I do. Good. And now, before I pronounce you man and wife If there is anyone here who knows why this couple Should not be joined together in holy matrimony Speak now or forever after, hold your peace. Stump! Stump! We got this poor little dumb cop verschimmel I got this 1478 reasons Why they shouldn't be married And I'm gonna give more to your right now Man, I listen to delicate tests of the matter You can't give all these reasons to now Oh no, well sit down everybody You're about to hear a filibuster And here's number one Luigi has gone out with a lot of girls Whose names I'm gonna quote right now From the Chicago telephone director Under the age, auto light company Luigi goes out with the secretary Accommon Mary for 3,000 dirborn Adler Babe 302 Michigan Ah, under the essence Twan from the chicken company Luigi went out with the chicken So, Schmitz Anna Schmitz Alles Schmitz Anita Schmitz Anders So much for his girlfriend Now I will go into reason number two Why this marriage should not take place To illustrate my point I should now quote you from the yearbook of 1939, chapter entitled No directional requirements in the care And feeding of pigs Because the pigs is their far-growing animals It's a great majority of them This salooner pig is a talker for four hours So can we stop with this a man? Well, I have never heard of anything like this It's entirely unprecedented I really don't know what to do Luigi, Luigi, I'm appealing to you He's your friend, tell him to stop All right, the Pasquale She'll just stop it Well, you see, he don't want to stop it Now we can't take Luigi home now Sorry, but I'm gonna go home One o'clock in the morning is enough for me to stay out Wait, Mrs. Pellegrino Mrs. Pellegrino, you're here to stifle I look into the sauna, wait You should never get married, congratulations Wait, don't go What else can happen? Mr. Pasquale Yes, yes, about the rental of the tuxedos They're going into overtime There'll be another six bucks and I'll take it now All right, here And stop perspiring so much It shrinks the collar Reason number 184 Gaudi from the World Hormonack United States Pension Statistics Civil War, don't worry just don't worry Number 29 Good night, Luigi Good night Good night, Dad Please, it does Judge Judge That's the last to guess to God What I'm gonna do Mr. Pasquale, I wish I could help you out But I've got to leave now It's eight o'clock in the morning And I've got to be on the bench at nine Goodbye Mr. Pasquale, those tuxedos Are going into overtime again Stop for the clock, I'm giving them back The wedding is off Wait, Pasquale is off Russ, are you here? You know Mararosa, I gave you some other time Now you give me back all of them a wedding present What? That's right, I was the one who sent them all to you Oh, you did, huh? Well, nothing to do with Pasquale You said it was a minor You take it and back it's against the law What the law? Well, nothing to do with the present It's on the written law Goodbye, Papa Wait, Mr. Pasquale Come on, Mr. Jones Oh, I'm free I'm over twenty-one on the single What a joy Congratulations, Luigi America, I love you Do you like a Papa to me? And so, Mamma Mia I will not forget the marriage But what I went through was enough For five years of a married life Schultz has turned out to be real life saver Even is sweeter than a decandy Who would know that he would think Of the cephalobuster where he's a talker For thirteen hours without a stopper Then I'ma find out that His uncle was a congressman He asked Pasquale to try to play Mean a trick on me But I'ma get in a revenge now Not only am I got all the presents But I'ma sit in my store With all of the doors locked Pasquale is a bang on the door You know why? I'ma still wearin' that the hat And that tuxedo that's a costin' him A two dollars an hour overtime Your lovin' son, Luigi, the lil' immigrant That was production and was written by Mack Benhoff and Blue Derman And directed by Mack Benhoff J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko With Alan Reed as Pasquale Hans Connery to Schultz And Maryship is misfolding Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray Have you had a date with my friend Irma recently? Ah, then if you haven't, life has been too normal Too dull, too orderedly Irma is pretty, Irma is blonde Irma is just dumb enough to make life Interesting for her friends and for you Only you'll get all the laughs While her friends get all the hot water Be sure to make a date with her for tomorrow night For no matter how dumb she is She's enough fun to make her show One of the top ten on the air You can make a date with my friend Irma From CBS stations every Monday night And now stay tuned For it pays to be ignorant Which follows immediately over most of these stations Bob Stevenson speaking This is CBS where 99 million people gather Every week at the Columbia Broadcasting System