 This week on the anxious truth. We're gonna talk about self-care We're gonna talk about what self-care is what it isn't and the places you can find self-care that you wouldn't think to look so let's go Hello everybody, welcome back to the anxious truth. This is episode number 274 of the podcast We are recording in early September actually closer to mid-September of 2023 in case you are listening to this podcast from the future Or watching on YouTube if you are new to the anxious truth I am Drew lince a lot a creator host to this podcast the anxious truth is the podcast that covers all things anxiety anxiety disorders and anxiety recovery So if you are struggling with things like panic attacks or agoraphobia or OCD or health anxiety, then this is the place for you I'm really happy that you're here, and I hope that you find the content helpful in some way Of course, if you're a new returning listener or if you are welcome back glad that you're here as always This week on the podcast We're gonna talk about self-care self-care is a thing that we talk about all the time the royal we not me In the anxiety and recovery community, but I think that there are sometimes Misconceptions around what self-care is sort of automatically so I want to address some of those today and clear that up I also want to talk a little bit about why I wrote No self-care when I wrote my first book, which is called an anxiety story I said no days off, and I said things like no self-care and no self-compassion What was I thinking? That was that was a huge mistake in terms of choice of words. I wish I could take those words back So today we'll clarify a little bit of that I've talked about some of those things earlier in the podcast And today we're gonna sort of talk about the self-care part of that Because there was self-care in my recovery I think it just doesn't look like what you would expect self-care to necessarily look like so I want to go over that with you today and just a quick reminder before we get into it that the anxious truth is more than just This video or this podcast episode. There's a bunch of other stuff I urge you to check out on my website, which you can find at the anxious truth comm There's all the previous podcast episodes. There is the other podcast I do with Josh Fletcher We're just called disordered There's the workshops and programs that I produce to help you along in your recovery all at a very reasonable cost There are books that I've written so head on over to my website at the anxious truth comm and avail yourself of all the resources If you haven't already, I think they're helpful people tell me they are so you may find them helpful in your own journey So let's talk for a few minutes about self-care Many times when we talk about self-care in the context of an anxiety disorder and anxiety recovery we often bring up automatic images by default of warm baths and bath salts and candles and deep breathing and relaxation and Retreating and like binge watching Netflix taking days off and guess what that is self-care There is no doubt about that that part of self-care is resting when you have to rest Taking care of your body for sure like allowing yourself to regenerate Doing things that are important to you that feed your mind and your soul and your body that is in fact Self-care having your favorite tea or having your favorite foods or having a long conversation with an old friend That is definitely all self-care do not let anybody including me because I could be a bit extreme on this topic Tell you otherwise however That is not what necessarily with self-care look like for me in my recovery and my assertion is always that at least in the beginning of the recovery process if you are in the habit of Engaging in avoidance and you are retreating and whenever you face a challenge or things get a little bit dicey You automatically back up which by the way is kind of where everybody starts this so that's not a crime It doesn't mean that you're doing it wrong or you're broken But if you are in that situation in the early days of recovery Sometimes we have to start to err on the other side Because I've said this before and I'll say it again if you give an agoraphobic person the choice between doing a really challenging exposure where they are intentionally triggered and afraid and may panic or Taking a self-care and I'm using air quotes here self-care day again To tend I need a me day and you spend all day on the sofa Nine times it attend the egoraphobic is going to pick the day on the sofa. That's true. And that's just human nature so sometimes when I Kind of rail against that like day on the sofa with candles and tea and and binging Netflix It's because I'm addressing that so sometimes we have to start to move in the other direction Which says I really want to spend the day on the sofa today But I've spent the last four out of seven days on the sofa and I think I actually don't need that now I just want it so sometimes it's totally okay to do that when tired rest when you need to recharge You should be doing things that feed you in all different ways physically emotionally emotionally mentally spiritually 100% but I think that one of the most important things that we forget about self-care is that self-care is often about Connecting with what we need and what we need doesn't always mean comfort or soothing or rest Sometimes what we need is something different. So self-care is caring for yourself giving yourself what you need. I Will tell you in my experience what I needed was a different approach So when I was in a highly avoidance state, which you may relate to avoidance felt good Initially, so if I found a way to wiggle out of a challenge and avoid being triggered Initially that felt good. It would make me feel better I would feel calmer my anxiety level might drop a little bit and you might say well You're taking care of yourself But then the boomerang or the backdoor effect of that an hour or two hours a day later was I feel terrible again I don't just feel anxious again because it's gonna rise up no matter what we do I don't just feel anxious again, but now I feel like I'm failing again. I'm feeling like I'm wasting another day I'm feeling like my life isn't getting any better. I'm feeling like I'm not meeting the challenge So I wouldn't get an immediate hit of relief Which would seem like caring for myself But then on the back end there was a whole lot of pain that came with that. I Skipped another thing. I made another excuse. I missed another business opportunity. I missed another thing with my kids So while initially I would feel pretty good about that and maybe what I was doing because I would do that I would retreat I would meditate I would make Literally I was drinking warm milk to try and cut milk to try and calm myself down I would make sure I had my magnesium supplements and everything ready I would sit and and watch TV shows that used to make me to forget and you know Make me feel a little better and at first glance that would look like oh, that's self-care You need a you need a mental health day drew but after most of my days were mental health days That was backfiring on me. So connecting to what you need sometimes means what I really need here is something different Because if I avoid at 2 p.m. And I hate it at 7 p.m. Because now I'm stuck in a loop of I did it again. Nothing got better today. I'm never gonna get better I can't do this. I'm missing out on life I'm a terrible friend. I'm a terrible partner. I'm a terrible parent if you are stuck in that loop Then sometimes we have to take a step back and say it's not about what I want right now It's about what I need self-care is about giving myself what I need What do I really need right now? What I need at the moment is to break my avoidance cycle It doesn't mean I have to get better today It just means that I have to be willing to do something a little different or I'm gonna be stuck in this Where later on after the soothing and the calm part of avoidance wears off now? I'm in the I'm getting boomerang it's boomerang back at me and it's slapping me in the face because I've wasted another day So one of the things that I did write about when I wrote my first book and by the way that book an anxiety story You can go on my website. You can get that completely free Just follow the links you can get it in mp3 or PDF format totally free You can buy it on Amazon if you want but you could also get it free So when I wrote that book I talked about how I would get to the end of a day and Feel terrible about myself So when the day would end and the demand would the external demand would drop off because it was the end of the business day I was reasonably sure my phone wasn't ringing wasn't going to ring I was reasonably sure that I wouldn't be made to leave my house for some reason and That would feel like okay made it through another day But those nights where then it would be like okay now I'm gonna rest I started to feel like what am I resting from I've been in avoidance mode all day I'm resting again, and I'm happy that it's eight o'clock at night and my phone isn't ringing and I'm there's no demand on me But I feel terrible on an emotional standpoint. I feel terrible because I'm starting to resent myself I'm feeling terrible because I'm judging myself negatively as if I failed or I am a failure And I've written about that too. There's a terrible terrible feeling So it was about connecting to what I really needed and what you really need sometimes is to break that cycle And that could be broken in a small way. So sometimes Self-care is actually found in accepting the challenge Even though at the time that wouldn't look like the traditional Self-care imagery and words that we hear about in social media wellness circles Doing an exposure that you are terrified to do that takes you 15 minutes or 20 minutes or 30 Minutes to get through and you are triggered and maybe you panic or you're having all kinds of scary thoughts And you are in a state of distress doesn't look anything like self-care but anybody in this community Who does those things and understands that like I did a hard thing today that I have previously been afraid to do If you're listening to this podcast and you had those moments where oh my goodness I did it and if you listen to I mean I have a whole series of anxiety success stories on this podcast If you listen to disordered without I do with Josh at disordered FM. We always have these did it anyway stories That is so important That is in fact a form of self-care because the feeling you get after you meet that challenge even though it was not Immediately soothing and it wouldn't look it wouldn't immediately Meet the definition of what we think is historically self-care That was in fact a form of self-care because the people who send in those wins and those victories the people who have Been on my podcast to call themselves success stories and share their stories We're giving themselves what they needed which was I needed to win It was really hard, but I needed that when I needed that challenge I needed to rise up and meet a challenge today because if I didn't if I did the traditional route that looked like self-care By soothing myself and trying to regulate my nervous system during every waking moment, and we know all the things Okay fine, but at the end of the day or at some point in the next couple of days I would feel terrible about myself because I wasn't making any progress So sometimes we need to look at self-care From another angle, which is an unorthodox angle And I think when I have been notoriously and I will accept this criticism by the way when I have been notoriously Contrarian about the idea of self-care and I have come across as a bit aggressive and a bit cruel Sometimes or cold and very Engineering like about this. I'm kind of talking about that And I will own my own shortcomings in the way that I have described that stuff in the past And I will give you guys the audience the community full credit for teaching me what I was doing wrong there I would not back up my my stance on that But I think I understand a little bit more now how to explain it and to frame it in a way that you Can maybe understand a little more as opposed to sounding like the guy that says never take a day off and Throw away your lavender oil if you like lavender oil, which is becoming a running you joke in this the anxious truth community If you love your lavender oil, that's totally cool. I'm not gonna take it away from you Don't let anybody take it away from you. However, self-care is more than just lavender oil. It's more than just hot baths It's more than just retreating. It's more than just trying to somehow activate your Vegas nerve Sometimes self-cares means I got to connect to what I need and what I need right now is Maybe different than what I want right now And let's be a little bit more nuanced about this when we say that sometimes you can need more than one thing I need a little break because my nervous system is a little frazzled. I'm I've sensitized right now But what I need more is a win So sometimes it's about separating need versus want because those are sometimes two different things Sometimes I need two things at the same time, but I have to really prioritize which one I'm gonna I'm gonna get today and Sometimes it's need need and want all together. So these are things that over time you start to work out through experience When do you know that you're? When do you know that you're doing it, right? I say this all the time oftentimes you don't know but what I would urge you in this 15 or 16 minutes I'm gonna spend with you today to do is to begin to challenge your traditional ideas of self-care if You are concerned that you must never engage in self-care because that's somehow avoidance You are wrong think about it and go listen to the first things I said in this episode again if you think that self-care is something you must engage in to soothe yourself and calm yourself and that's all self-care really is and You can sometimes justify avoidance in the name of self-care then think about what I talked about today in terms of What you really need versus what you want and looking at self-care from a bigger picture and not just how I'm gonna feel in the next 30 minutes So this is a weird topic. It's a big topic. It's an as always It's a nuanced topic. There isn't always black and white in this where never we can never be a hundred percent sure that We're getting it right Sometimes you will choose a traditional self-care day look back on that the next day and say oh I was I was maybe a little avoidant yesterday. I see what I did. I'm not gonna beat up myself I'm not gonna negatively judge myself. I'm gonna be nice to myself I'm gonna say what can I learn from that and how can I maybe change my implementation of self-care tomorrow or next week Sometimes you're gonna say mmm. You know what I pushed it. I was exhausted. I shouldn't have pushed it What can I learn from that? And now I understand what it feels like a little different a little more and I will adjust as I go So as with anything else, there is no perfect form of self-care There's no universally applicable form of self-care that that will matter in every single moment It's gonna change based on the context based on the day you're having based on your recent experiences based on your state of mind Based on your physical condition all of those things What I really care about today is just planting that seed in your head that might say okay Well, this is the guy that said no self-care. He's back peddling a little bit and I am I'm gonna try and Massage that and I'm gonna say self-care is important all but all forms of self-care Not just this laying on the sofa part. Okay, so consider that you may have to challenge your ideas about self-care a little bit Go back and re-listen to this if you want that's totally fine. That's what they're here for but if you are not at least willing to consider that Sometimes self-care doesn't feel so great in the moment Then you may wind up frustrated because then you can keep falling back on on the idea of self-care of justification for avoidance Or you're just missing the idea that oh, I can take care of myself also Sometimes by challenging myself because the payoff for that is gonna come tonight It's not gonna come now. I'm gonna struggle more now But later on this evening when I did it and I didn't hide and I did the best I could and I rose up a little bit and Met that fear and did the best I could with it instead of running from it. That's when I'm gonna get the benefit That's when the care part comes in. That's when there's some gratification. That's when I know I did something good for myself That's when I can feel a little bit more positive about myself So I think it's really important to think about self-care in a lot of different dimensions and In a lot of different ways and be open to different interpretations on different days And above all if anything else if you feel that you continually default to avoidance Consider that challenging yourself is in fact a form of self-care. It's not cruel. It's not awful. It's not cold I'm gonna I'm gonna suggest that maybe it's not actually Retraumatizing the way we automatically will say anything. That's an adverse experience must be retraumatizing. Maybe it's not maybe it is But maybe it isn't so really this is more about opening opening up your mind and opening up your ability to be Flexible in the way you you talk about self-care, which is something I've had to do now It's weird because I've had to come from the other way I went from like never lay on the sofa to like, oh, yeah, I have to acknowledge that Sometimes we do in fact need to lay on the sofa. So I've had to open myself up the other way You are probably listening and may have to open yourself the other way that oh, okay Hang on here self-care isn't always about soothing sometimes It's about challenging and reaping the benefits emotionally after that and for a lot of people in the beginning Understanding why you're challenging yourself could be difficult. It takes a long time to get there Embracing the challenge takes a long time to get there being willing to accept the lessons that the challenge gives you that Take that takes a long time to get there. So sometimes when I say stuff like this I want to always be a little bit careful. Wrap it up as I am now with this caveat, which is you can't just decide to feel different about Anxiety and panic and triggers today. You can't so you may be listening to this podcast episode and say, yeah He's right man. Now I'm all fired up and I'm not gonna rest at all this week And I'm gonna go out and challenge my fear and I'm gonna get better. Okay, cool But remember you're doing an experiment and making a change and that experiment will trigger you It will make you feel bad and please Remember that the benefit to that is when you were saying, okay I think I've reached the point where I hate the way this is so much that I am willing to Experience that distress and that discomfort and to take a lesson out of it If you are still resisting that and you are still in a place in your recovery, which is fine Because everybody starts here where you say no, I know I know logically that I have to accept this this distress But emotionally and operationally. I'm still mmm. I'm drawing a line in the sand And if I am triggered I run and I just this is not working and I can't have that then be kind to yourself and understand You might not be at that place yet We you are willing to accept my alternative definition of self-care and if you're not if you're resisting it, that's okay Again, it may take it takes everybody Their own way and their own time in their own time frame to get to that point where they make that shift in attitude And it's still not black and white. You're gonna vary gonna wax and wane in that So sometimes the message that I'm delivering today is difficult for somebody who is Frustrated and wants to just shift gears and I'm gonna go run this thing over now And yeah, you fired me all up through cool and then they get frustrated because but yet But I ran is the minute I was triggered. Okay, that's okay What can you take from that you might not be in that at that place yet? We've made that shift in attitude if you listen to disordered I know I've mentioned the other podcast a lot in this podcast But the disordered episode called the attitude shift and you can go to disordered FM and find that that is almost required listening I'm gonna say it is required listening for everyone along the way in recovery So if you've never listened to the other podcast go to disordered FM and find that episode and at least listen to that one Because that is a big part of what would underlie your ability to say mm-hmm self-care today for me is Challenging myself even though all I want to do is hide and watch Amazon Prime video all day or something like that So I will kind of get off the topic now because I know I've I've repeated myself a lot in this in this episode I'm trying to provide Maybe a little bit of a boost in terms of I can look at this this different way roll the dice take a chance on being triggered I understand why I have to do that and yeah, maybe he's right if I wind up hating myself every night Which is which is harsh, but I'm not saying that anybody should I don't want anybody to hate themselves But I've heard from more than enough of you to say I judge myself so negatively at night for wasting another day If you're there then there might be lessons in this podcast episode that can help you break that cycle as difficult as it may be to Do that So that's it That's my rant about self-care and what it certainly is sometimes what it isn't and what it might also look like from the Opposite side, you know from the other side of the table there Hopefully that has been helpful. We're gonna wrap it up here 23 minutes is enough. I thought it would be 16 I was wrong. I'm never gonna stop getting that wrong. I sat down to record this podcast episode I'm like 15 minutes. I'm in and out. I blew it. I blew it by 25% already Anyway, that is it that is episode 274 the anxious truth in the books If you have questions about this or you want to make a comment or anything like that Go to my if you're not watching this on YouTube hot up hop on over to me YouTube channel Leave a comment there I circle back in a couple of times every week to check those out and I will do my best to answer then I Post them in the fight the Facebook group Which there's not a lot of discussion there but I post every podcast episode in the Facebook group if you want to ask me questions on the episode there and I think that's about it. Anyway, I hope you found it helpful today As always if you're listening on Apple podcast or Spotify leave a five-star rating if you dig the podcast Maybe take a second to write a review because it helps other people find the podcast Of course, if you're watching this as a YouTube video subscribe to the channel It really helps me out hit the like button that helps me out even more And if you have something to say or a question leave a comment that helps me out even more And then I get to help you because I will answer you and what else can I tell you? That's it We will be back. You know what? I don't know if we're gonna be back next week because I am considering Possibly going to bi-weekly on the anxious truth just because between this podcast and disordered. There's a lot to produce I don't know yet So I think I'll be back next week with another podcast episode or maybe not maybe it'll be the week after either way I'll have something to say check out disordered at disordered FM if you're not listening to that one already Thank you so much for your support and all of your encouragement for this podcast over the years And remember no matter how small the step forward is today toward recovery it counts They all add up so do what you can today give yourself with your need what you need even if it's something tiny And it'll matter. Thanks for coming by and I'll see you next week