 No ma'am, thank you for calling! You have a disquieting day now! Buh-bye, Gary said, ending the interdimensional call with the flip of a switch of his antiquated switchboard. It wasn't easy what he did, redirecting radio signals and landline calls from wherever they were supposed to go to his little phone box, but he did it eight hours a day every day. The IV running from his arm was a constant reminder that the infernal machine was powered by his own blood and beating art. The wires running out the ports on the back of his neck were a memento that it used his own wetwear to make up for its lack of modern electronics. The shining silver bell crudely grafted onto the side of his face, a mark of his eternal slavery to it. But hey, at least it got him a job. A lot of the switchboard began to flash, letting him know of an incoming call. Hey there! This is Gary Gorgham of Herman Fuller's Customer Service. Help me aim you of assistance! Uh, yeah, hi! A distressed male voice said on the other end of the line, wherever he was calling from it sounded windy. I'm calling because I bought a pack of your anti-gravity balloons. Ah! The amazing ascending aviators anti-gravity balloons! An excellent purchase! Are you having some trouble getting them to work? No, no! They're working really, really well! The man replied, I made a whole bouquet of them to see if they could lift me up and now it turns out they can! I see! Now sir, if you'd read the instructions on the package, you would know that those balloon aren't to be used outdoors unless they're tethered to ten pounds of weight per balloon. Look, I'm not going to sue you or anything, I just want to know how to get down. I must be a couple miles high already, and if I keep floating up the air will be too thin to breathe. Sir, I would suggest letting them go one at a time until you start gently floating down. Well I sort of tied them all together and I can't untie them, at least not with one hand. I can't pop them either, these things are insanely tough! Yes, our anti-gravity balloons are made of the same, them! A hysterical guest screamed in the background, them, them! Well next time knock before you come bulging in! An irate clown shouted in response, jerk! Did that person just say that you were milking clowns? The man on the phone asked. No, they said cows! Gary assured him. Said he suckers can be a bit squeamish at times. Getting back to your situation, I recommend cutting the balloons off one by one. I don't have anything to cut with! They'll have to chew through the string and a ribbon holding the balloons. Gary said. The bell on his face rung harshly, letting him know another call was coming in. Sir, I'm going to have to put you on hold for a moment, but I'll be checking back in with you. Just do your best to chew through the strings, okay? Okay, just don't hang up. I won't! Gary promised. He saw the new call was from the employee hotline and quickly switched connections. This is Gary Gorham at Herman Fuller's employee helpline. How may I be of assistance? Hey Gary, it's Eugene! A clown said on the other end. Hey Eugene, what's up? I'm calling from Ikea. That Ikea. You know the one I'm talking about. I do! What are you doing there? Well P.S. and I are still banned from the utterly bizarre. So we thought we'd give this place a look. I'm here too! P.S. shouted into the receiver. We've loaded up the clown car with a buttload of stuff. We've also driven a hundred miles through this store today. I was worried it might piss the staff off, but I'm thinking small enough that they'd perceive it as a fat mobile. Those slender man knockoffs really creep me out though. Did you know there were hum drums trapped here? P.S. asked. Like a lot of them! They looked like they'd been here for a while! Should we tell someone something about that or...? I'm sure it's being looked after, Gary said. So why are you calling? Well that's tangentially related to P.S.'s point. Eugene replied. The hum drums were pretty freaked out to see a clown car driving around. I laughed at them for being dumb enough to get stuck in here, but... You can't find an exit, can you? It's not that I can't find it. I just haven't found it yet. You have your kaleidoscope keys on you, don't you? Just open up a door. We can't find the door. Not just the exit. No doors, period. I see. Well, the clown car has doors on it, so you could probably use those. But then we'd have to leave the clown car behind. We can't leave the clown car. We only have three payments left on it. P.S. objected. So what do you expect me to do? Gary asked. I don't know. Just tell Icky and Manny where we are. If we don't find a door before they close, we'll stash the clown car somewhere safe and leave it behind. We'll come back in the morning and try to find a door and bring it through. Eugene, we've got company. Oh God, the hum drums are swarming us. They want the car. Back you savages. P.S., get the bazooka. But I only shoot cream pies. They don't know that, you idiot. It's polka-dotted. It has big, big balloon letters, bell and kaboom on the side. I think they'll know it's not real. Let me know how this turns out, fellas. Gary said hanging up and leaving the duo to get another misadventure. He was about to check back in on balloon guy when another call came in. This one was from the complaint line. Oh boy. He glared us through and put all his energy into maintaining a happy voice. Thank you for calling Herman Fuller's customer complaint line. My name is Gary Goreham and I- I brought my kids to see your big top show last Tuesday despite being advertised as such it was not family friendly. A woman said in a petulant tone, I'm sorry to hear that ma'am. What was it that- Remember everyone, this is just a drill. Somebody shouted from outside followed by the whirring of a launch drill. I repeat, it's just a drill. I apologize for the interruption. Last Tuesday you said, Oh was it part of the act when they force fed the guy sugar until he exploded? I know that may have been overly visceral but- No, that part was funny. The woman replied, I'm upset about those lesbian clowns openly making googly eyes at each other in front of my kids. Seriously? Yes, seriously. Well ma'am, it's not like they were having sex on stage. They make jokes in innuendos, most of which go over the kids' heads. At most there's a peck on the cheek or a pat on the butt. The dark haired one pulled a kitten from under the other one's skirt and they both went on about how much they love pussy. Which is funny. Ma'am listen, it's- Oh god, it's not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill. Everybody panic. One uproar of panic screams, animal calls, and the buzzing of a rusty chainsaw briefly overwhelm the call. What the hell is going on there? The woman asked. Just another fun-filled day here at Herman Fuller's Circus of the Disquieting, he replied. It was the standard response to such questions. Ma'am, it's the 21st century. Wait, is it the 21st century? What? It's just that time moves differently in different universes and it can be hard to keep track of. Regardless of the exact year, you can't expect people not to be themselves just because you find it offensive. I am a paying customer. When I take my kids to see a circus act I have a right for their impressionable minds not to be bombarded with homosexual propaganda. Ma'am, believe me when I say that I'm truly sorry that in a show featuring a man being blown up, an alcoholic elephant, and a clown with literally explosive diarrhea. The part you found offensive was the consenting, loving relationship between two adults. Have a disquieting day. He hung up before she could respond and switched back over to the customer service line. Hey balloon guy, how are you doing? I've chewed through a couple of strings and I think I'll be buoyant after one or two more but I have another problem. I'm getting close to what I thought was a cloud but now I can see it's actually made of cobwebs. What the hell is that? Hard to say. Few men ventured to such lofty heights. Who knows what strange creatures dwell so far up in the stratosphere? You're not helping. My apologies. Just do your best to see it clear of it. He suggested the bell on his head to rock again and he saw he had a call coming in from over the clown transportation services line. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to put you on hold again. I'm in full as clown transportation services. How may I? Gary. Gary is that you? Gary is an outrage in fast paced voice. It would have been years since he heard it. Gary recognizes it immediately. Gary you let me through the kaleidoscope this second or I swear the broken guy will skin you like a love sick fun lover, eviscerate you with stuff you pull a coat of clown smugglin and hang you up with your own entrails like a marionette. Who is this? Gary asks with a coy smile. God damn it Gary you know who this is. I promise you when I get back to my circus you are dead. Do you hear me? You're dead. Man who's dead. Icky's dead. The zombie guy whose whole stick is being dead is dead. All of you are dead. You will rule the day you double cross. I'm sorry sir but we appear to be having some kind of connection problem. For some reason you're coming through as a pathetic delusional deposed despot calling from a dilapidated phone booth that you're probably using as both a shelter and a lavatory. You want to threaten me? Get me a dude with my face you bastard. Have a disquieting day. Gary. Gary dosen't dare hang. And blocked. Gary said he permanently severed the connection to that particular dimensional backwater. He took a deep breath to readjust himself for the next call. Thank you for calling Herman Fuller's business line. How may I help you today? Hello Mr. Gorill. This is Victor Chan from Marshall, Carter and Dock. Ah yes. Lovely to hear from you again. What can I do for you? I'm calling because I have a crucial update from our SCP operative regarding- For the love of God Quincy slow down. Someone screamed down side. I told you I can't drive stick. Quincy shouted back. There was a sign of a car crashing, an engine exploding and some fire walks shooting off through the air and blowing up. My God there's blood everywhere. Mostly inside us, but still the horror. Is everything okay over there? Just another fun build. Yeah I'm sure everything's fine. Gary you got a sec? Iki asked as she stepped into his display case. Sorry Victor I'm gonna have to put you on hold for a moment. Gary said. He turned around to see Iki with a hair frazzled in a face and clothes covered in gun powder and residue. You okay boss? It's a little crazier than usual out here but nothing I can't handle. She replied. So Manny hasn't found anyone to replace Sakarina so I'm gonna need you to order some candy from Wondertainment. I got a list right here. Make sure you tell them to mark the tattletail truffles as private. Last time we gave those out it ruined a lot of relationships and I'm pretty sure one poor bastard got set to get no. Let's see if we can make an appointment to sign some custom magic tokens for the Midway. Bailey told me that Canada has glow in the dark tunies and I'll be damned if some semi-real country has more whimsical currency than we do. Sure thing. Hey I've got Victor on the line and I think he's calling about the SCKPA. Do you want to speak with him? Yeah put him on speaker. Hey Victor I'm back. I've got Iki here with me and I've put you on speakerphone. That's perfect. Iki. Our SCP operative has confirmed a date and time for your operation. Victor told her. This Saturday night at 10pm our operative in another guard will be the only foundation personnel in the facility. He's confident he can slip a tranquilizer in his partner's coffee and once he's out our operative will shut down all the cameras, locks and other security features in the wing holding your virtuoso. He'll then drug his own coffee and drink it to provide a suitable alibi for himself. He assures us that everything will be good to go by 11pm and that he and his partner won't wake up until after midnight. That's your window of opportunity, 2,300 to 0,00 hours to Saturday. Is that clear? Victor that's awesome. Thank you so much. Iki said? I'd love to talk more but I have a possibly attempted vehicular homicide to deal with so if y'all excuse me. Wait there's one more thing. He said? I have a couple of other clients who have some wares they'd like to try to sell to you that I think would be excellent additions to your circus. Would you like me to arrange a viewing? Ah, Iki. You may cry did she ran up to the display case? Come quick. One of Ripley's sea monsters escaped from the fun house. Manny's fist fighting it to keep it away from the crowds and Gabriel's trying to calm it down but Lolly's riding it but she's out of rodeo and it won't stop fucking. Victor I'll run and pass Manny but I've got to go I'll talk to you later. She said she dashed out of the glass phone box? Hey Gary just out of curiosity have you guys ever consulted any type of actuary about the potential risks of your attraction? Cause it seems like something that you might benefit from. Victor asked? No. Iki and Manny tend to make decisions from the gut, heart or whatever vital organs are available and they haven't steered us astray yet, Gary replied. The whales and the SES sea monster echoed across the fairgrounds as the beast did battle an upside down face man and two excessively exuberant clowns. Right. I'll talk to you later then Gary. Wait wait wait. Before you go. What year is it? 2017. Thank you. I knew it was the 21st century. Take care of yourself Victor. You too Gary. Gary into the call and took a look at the list Iki had left him. Let's see. 24 crates of cheeping peeps, variety, both colors and songs, non-screaming, 24 crates of glowing gummy bears, the non-radioactive ones, 16 crates of bubble breath gum, oh my god balloon guy. Gary immediately put the list down and switched back to the customer service line. Hey there. Sorry about keeping you on the hold for so long. How are you making out? Balloon guy? The line was dead. He probably just dropped his phone. Gary assured himself he's not suddenly in contemplation until the next call came in. Thank you for calling Herman Fuller prize support. I'm Gary Goryam. How may I be of assistance? I want this prismatic magic eight ball thing that actually tells the future. And I tell some friends about it and they must have told someone about it over the phone or online or something because earlier today these spooks showed up in my house. A panicked young man answered him, I didn't let them in and now there's like a swat team or something getting ready to break down my door. I barricaded the entrance and armed myself with an accent lamp. What do I do now? Don't try concealing it aint only. We've had people try that in the past. They find it anyway so it's not worth it. There was a sound of glass breaking, a soft thud and something hissing. Oh God! He just threw his own gun at me. It's like red gas. It tastes like peppermint and battery. I can't remember my iPhone unlock code. Well you'll have to go to the genius bar for that but he heard the door breaking down and men shouting as they stormed to the room. This phone's live. Somebody shouted. Who is this? Certainly no one anomalous. Gary said as he immediately cut the connection. But of course, it was someone anomalous. It was none other than Gary Gohan, the master of Telephone Esis! Esis! Esis! Esis! Esis! Sight42 is able to continue broadcasting and move up to live action SCP film adaptations due to the support of viewers, subscribers and especially our patrons. Special shout out to our Sight director level patron, Andre Beichert.