 Okay, so I like the way Mary's expression. She's opening her mouth So many consider this video is really disturbing I am trying to smile in the midst of all of these things just to calm myself down So we don't lose the crux of the matter and this has brought the need to talk on parenting Now as a parent or someone who is parenting you play an essential role in your child's life And you have the most important influence in their growth Intentional parenting is an approach where you use strategies to build a healthy parent-child relationship a healthy parent-child Relationship which then eventually provides opportunities for you and your child to learn and practice Social and emotional skills now social and emotional skills are important because they are linked to significant positive outcomes throughout the life so Of that child especially now today we're asking our parents intentional about parenting Linking that to the Dalai Lama Sada what we just watched now. Please. Let's hear what you have to say Remember you can join the conversation send us an SMS or WhatsApp to 08-1-803-4663 You can also Twitter does that we show Africa one with the hashtag we show So I said to me this conversation there were too many things racing through my head I remember when I was very young there was a time that my parents there was one You know the way all these out of no no this out of States preachers come like the general of Asia will come to the church and all of that and he came you know And it's almost like okay. I want to perform deliverance once one. I'm here very stuff I'll just be looking at you. I know they fall you can't do it You know like so there was like it was there was an expectation Maybe need to be revered and all of that but I don't have that and this is why for me till today It's a struggle for me to go and kneel in front of any man of God It's not because of I don't believe I just believe that I have access The way you have access that you're talking to God. It's the same way I have access to God So I'm not those kind of people that won't call a pastor pray for me. My mother will come He said I am he said it's a genuine man of God who just this thing, you know, let it She knows she always tries her luck, but she knows that I will never respond to those kind of things It's not a it's not a thing of oh Maybe what is just trying to be stubborn or what it's time to is just that there are some things that I do not just It does not sit well in my system So that aspect of a spiritual leader Wasting my head right that and I mean thankfully you know my is here You and I know Timmy I bodacious she has shared her story several times her first experience a first What's it called encounter of rape? We're pastors Right. They were pastors that raped her Jonathan he was not a like a Normal person on the street. It was somebody that supposed to be a spiritual leader Right, so she would be the one to always tell you that forget all these things Oh, anything man or God as long as there's something in between is a human being before any spiritual whatever So that part of spirituality was racing in my head that okay Have have this boy been trained not to question a spiritual leader That's one has he been trained not to question someone that he considers Maybe older than him or somebody in authority. That's number two number three Has this boy been trained to say no because we always we are used to saying okay, okay Right because he could see clearly that the boy hesitated In wanting to to when he said suck his tongue like he was taking a back But he was not trained to say no, sir. I'm sorry. It is inappropriate Has this boy been given an introduction to sexual abuse and what it looks like Has he been given an introduction to grooming and what it looks like? So that now overall some data for me that where were his parents? When all of this was happening Because all this boy simply asked for was a hug You then moved on to his cheek and you give you a peck you kissed him on the lip. I didn't brought out your tongue Who are you? Even me way bumpy king. I Yeah, I was racing through my head. I Have never I kiss my children on the lip. Yes, but I have never brought up my tongue come and suck my tongue So what gives that this boy tomorrow, you're not asking to suck the other side So I was really livid But you see I don't want to use anger to change the conversation So tell me first of all What are your thoughts when you saw because you opened your mouth? Because maybe they don't understand it yet. You're not seeing the video. So I like the expression. What were your thoughts? Why did you open your mouth? I think it was First of all, it was very disgusting the fact that I Mean, I know there's some hidden things that people do but this is out there in the public and your eyes spiritual leader like Were you high on something like? What's what's even a what kind of mistake like? Out like you did it first time and you want to do it second time again like suck my tongue how Impublic Oh, I hope you know No, I can't believe that it was a deliberate act Okay No, no, no, I Can't I think there was something that struck me in the video if you watch towards the end after he asked a little boy to suck his tongue There's this playful way. He beats the boy Jiget and to me what I saw was someone trying to make it look like it was a child that was being naughty Not him the adults who was being naughty. Now, you know when Somebody comes and touches you. Maybe that's enough with you and you're like stop it Joe That was what I saw and it just changed the whole it changed the narrative a little bit for me because you know how as a kid when a little child a little girl is abused and she reports and Everybody hears about it from gossip one person to another and then they they spread it and make it look like oh She's she's the one who was being wayward. She was the one who was being a for she Exactly she asked for it and that was what I saw Play out in that scenario because you can tell that little boy was shy The little boy wasn't exactly sure. Okay. Is this right or is this wrong and that brings me down to my second point the fact that a lot of us as a lot of us we don't question people in authority We don't question our elders. We don't question spiritual leaders because we feel oh We shouldn't be doing that. I shouldn't question your motive. I shouldn't question your actions I couldn't I shouldn't question what you have done But I think it is time for us to actually sit down and realize that that is the worst way to live life especially when you're talking about kids We need to question this thing you should train your kids to the point where they can say no Firmly and stand on it. They should be able to question things and say why I remember when we first moved To to Lagos with my siblings by time we're entering the compound the compound on first moved I think I was seven years old or eight. It was still this face may slap you Houses, but when we're entering my father told us that when you go to come to Lagos That is we both people yet So I don't get into the compound I don't see them black people like me say, ah, but I do you says we both people They were coming here to see You soon see them but as we're entering the compound something struck me now I was working with my elder sister and There were two I think probably they were in their early 20s then they were coming out of the compound So they've known my dad because my dad used to leave pH and then come to Lagos for work So he has been living there for a while. So he has built a relationship. They knew him He had probably mentioned that he had children, but this was the first time they were meeting us and by time we're entering One of the guys held my sister's hand and said my wife And now at that age, I thought I'm very repulsive. I'm very disgusting and I hit His hand hit it so hard and I shouted. She's not your wife. That's why you're calling her your wife She's a small girl. You know, so even yeah, even my parents were like Jennifer jigger because they already know I was that child Who would say no? I was that child that question if my father didn't teach me that My parents didn't teach me to question But I think maybe because I was exposed too early to a lot of things and they weren't just sitting Right with me. So it was easy for me to it was easy for me to question these things and I think also probably because Some of my character traits I got it from my dad My dad would question things. So I think because I got that from him It was very easy for me to question a lot of things and at that age It just did not sit right with me But even at that age with the fact that I was very outspoken There were still a lot of things that I couldn't see because even in that compound There were men there that were trying to sexually harass myself and my sister I didn't know they were doing it to my sister. It was when we got older She was like, oh my god, this guy did the same thing to you I said yes that he sent me to buy something for him And by the time I got into because I didn't even want to go because I already hated the way I saw the way he was moving around in little girls in the compound and how you You be passing the passageway and he would touch you in a very And the way you touch you you'll be thinking. You're not sure. Okay. If I report now If anybody gets in trouble, I say I see because this was very very dodgy what he did just did not make sense But how do I communicate this to my parents that this was what this person did So I wasn't exactly sure so I was very weary of the guy So any time I saw him in the passageway and I saw a little girl passing there Follow the girl so when he does something I will scream and I will shout and just make some form of noise So that the guy would would run away. So one day he sent me Obama granada Gary I don't know. Go away. He said that I'm being stubborn. Are you tell my father? That's You're sending me on an errand. So I wasn't answering so I went and I bought it So I got to his door. My plan was from the door I will give him so by the time I got to his door, this man was waiting for me inside. I said I brought your Granada and Gary. He said should bring it inside. I said can't come out. I was actually I was a rude Child because if you overstep your boundary as an adult, I'll be rude to you because to me I feel like you don't deserve the respect anymore I can't give you that respect and that was what I did So by the time he said that he said oh that he's doing something so I should bring it inside So I opened his door. I still stood outside and I was stretching He said that should bring it out. He was acting like he was busy doing something So I said okay. No harm this afternoon. What was the worst that could happen? I can scream So by time I got into his room He was sitting on his bed and I gave him his Gary and granada before I could step out He was pulling me to his bed and I looked at him and I said if you touch me I will scream I will tell my daddy that this is what you do to all the girls in the company No, he doesn't do that kind of thing. I said I will report you. So he said if you report what will you say? So by time I thought about it. I left his room and I went out and I said He's older than what I think that man was in his early 30s at the time I was I was barely 10 years old and I thought about it. Actually, who will I see my father first of all would beat me For what interest now entering the house. Yes, no My dad will not even want to hear that this one is the first thing you ask you Why did you enter there in the first place? I thought I've told you not to play with boys or stay this and Seats with men or even interact with men that kind of thing. So because of situations like that and the repercussions of me reporting I kept quiet But everybody in the compound noticed I was always constantly insulting this man and being rude to him But guess what no adults Called me to decide to ask me why? Because now that I know better if I see a child acting a certain way to an adult I will ask questions because now I know better So a lot of parents are not doing the work that they are supposed to do Because they believe once you get to a certain phase in your life is to give birth to kids But by the time you give birth to kids a lot of things and responsibilities and things that you need to do To actually groom that child and people need to start thinking about it before you give birth to a child Absolutely Intentionality No ma help me out here There's just so much so much to unpack about this I was completely Disturbed when I saw this video. I told you yesterday when I came in to the studio and I saw it was your story. I said Wow, I it was too heavy for me to have that conversation Yesterday not just because I'm a parent But because of the passion that we have When it comes to children, I don't know how I developed that passion I don't know how we came to develop it way beyond before we became parents, but it's something that My antennas are always up in protecting a child Not just my children So see that from somebody that's highly revered highly respected It brought so many things. I don't even think this conversation will have the time to Accommodate it. Well, let me just go to two things before You know, we move on the power of the parent and the power of the child Those are two things I saw play out in this scenario Look now the power of the parents the part the parent is Responsible, okay before I even go there. I want to say that it's not every Person who has a child that is a parent and It is not only those who have children that can be parents Parents yes, those are very very important things for us to pay attention to because sometimes a lot of people say Oh, but I'm not a parent like we had some people say And I say it's not about having your own child You don't need to have your own child to become a parent to become responsible or an advocate for somebody Who cannot stand up for themselves and in our society whether we like it or not whether they Say, oh, they can afford to do certain things now that we see in today's world There is still that part that somebody needs to play in helping a child Find the right direction for their life Until they can now be responsible to do it for themselves So where I see the controversy going on today and the conflict of interest. That's another kettle of fish now when you talk about a parent a parent is somebody who is responsible emotionally physically the first The front-liner let me put it the first person that is responsible for the child before the society comes in the environment comes in or school or whatever you're the first person and you are responsible to show the child the way that they're supposed to go and Basically creates that environment that it allows the child to be able to thrive to be able to be successful and every child has the Is it's supposed to have that opportunity to live in a safe environment? So where the parent is not playing that role in creating that safe environment? For the child is where we need to pay attention to the parent is the one that has a right to help the child know that This is leading to the right direction and this will lead to destruction So anybody that's why I say that anybody can be a parent because back in the days if you remember When somebody will see someone's child they say are you not so so person's child? What are you doing here? Start running home They will beat you And Even if they're asking a question so those are the kind of things that we grew up in both with the society now Everybody for himself and things like that things have gotten so bad Now the second thing is about the power of the child the child Whether you are whether it's about your personality whether you're quiet or shy or this of that Every child deserves to have a voice Every child deserves to be able to express themselves to say how they're feeling You know a quiet child. You know when they are acting out of character That is the responsibility of the parent because if you know your child well enough There are things that you need to pay attention to when they tell you that oh this child did this you said no That's not this child. Yes, and there are the things that they'll tell you said exactly. I didn't expect anything less I know that child now you were able to express yourself because From it was in it in you you could from I mean you have There are some children who's voices were stolen. Yeah and the people around Were not able to pay attention To notice to notice and to advocate for that child And we've lost a lot of children in the adults that you see today Yeah, so you see a lot of adults who have lost their voices because there was no one to Protect them at the time and they have even become defenseless parents to children of the future. I think you should pause it there because That is where I think the problem lies Because if a parent the voice has been deemed you don't even know to point out a red flag That's why when Jennifer said she's hit the sister in the man's hand of the sister that she's not your wife or not The parents were trying to calm her down, but you see it again. These are things quietly Let's take a break. I want to open our phone lines. Stay with us. We'll be right back. All right So if you just tuned in is our ladies night out and we are Trying, you know to just be a bit less emotional and try to address this thing because I believe But for every situation like this, I always have Moments of lessons for my children if something happens is a teaching moment You don't let it slip. You don't let it slide So if you are a parent out there, you know, and you're not educating or empowering your children Now would be a good time to listen because we're discussing this Dalai Lama saga. We're asking our parents Intentional about parenting. Now, please. Let's hear what you have to say Remember, you can join the conversation send us an SMS or what's up to the rate one eight two three four six six three You can also tweet at us at we show up. Go on the hashtag we show our phone line is now open Remember turn off the volume of your television said the number to call is zero seven zero two five zero seven seven four nine That's a number to call remember to turn off the volume of all your appliances that you're watching us from I mean, so no my so you you you drove me where I was going Because you see hurting people hurt others. That's what they say. So it's just now if you know better You would do better The fact that you can conceive a child biologically does not qualify you to be called a parent a lot of people are not equipped To be parents these people have been through abuse It's just like a woman or a man that has seen all sorts of damaged Like his emotions is completely damaged or her emotions completely damaged as a result of Consistent or constant emotional abuse or even physical abuse. Do you think she would have the capacity to raise wholesome children? It's not possible. She must go through some level of mind reprogramming shaping and therapy For her to be wholesome enough to then see this human because you know why if something is happening That looks like a semblance of what she went through It's happening to her child. She would say I went through it. She will she'll rise above it She would be defenseless. She would not even have yes. It's a very vicious circle Adults around the Dalai Lama laughing Nobody raised the red flag to say I it is concerning that this is wrong You know me you're gonna say something I think The the truth two things I'm seeing out of this is in in the training of a child Sometimes I would say the parents don't know better because of what they've gone through and you know, the whole suppress voices because and Then there's also teaching the child to be able to say no in Circumstances whether you're a quiet or shy person because I'll take a personnel story for example My I don't remember my mom giving me any Definite training on you know Response to such things for somehow in my head. I just knew it wasn't nice so maybe There's a certain priest where you know, she she's doing her own thing innocently. Oh, if you go and greet father, but I For that I say something a different thing on what's up, and I'm thinking But you're a priest like how would you say this kind of thing? But I don't go to my mom to tell her this is this but what she would do is if she sees that You are just somehow Refusing to you know move towards this person she will let you be so that's a silent approach That's not a definite approach because you have not told me definitely to say If you have an advance from this kind of person the response should be no you've just done it In a silent manner to say ah, it's not good. Oh, don't You are an adult now if you were a child would your mother's approach be would I would they have been different? Yes, but then this this I would just literally it's like it's like an uncle come into the house and Say oh come and greet this person and I had I was giving the choice to say oh, I don't want to come downstairs I'm upstairs, and I have an uncle who okay They come early in the morning drink or go go room my dad and for some reason I just I just don't want to go. I wasn't I wasn't forced, but I wasn't you know Told us, you know, it wasn't spelled out like that, you know But I was just allowed to have my opinion, you know, so you don't want to you get in a voice So she you were not you were never silent some children don't have an opinion And if I tell you get up and go and say hello to father you go and greet for that Don't forget that it was also a taboo at the time. It's not something You didn't have sit down These are the expectations or if somebody that those things were not common at the time But now we're talking about people. We know we need to be more intentional about it because Social media and then the internet has just made everything so bizarre So back to what I was saying about a lot of voiceless parents now and defense less parents now Being the ones at the front line, how do you fight a battle that you are not trained for? You can't you can't fight that battle. You don't have the skills You don't have the capacity to be able to fight the battle So we have a lot of people who are in the position of parenting children and they don't know what to do Because they are held back by the traditions of the past where it was silence We don't talk about things like that even though we are still in when the age of social media and you know people doing Things everything goes viral and stuff like that and we're beginning to have those conversations But there are lots of people that are still dealing with those challenges and the point being that a Lot of children are still vulnerable to abuse one way or the other And they still need to be protected So what we can do today is to be able to let parents know that these are things that need To be discussed These are things that need to be taught children. I've got children who are of various types They're the ones that express themselves very very easily that the ones that Have that intimate conversation that the ones that Seemingly calm but in their calmness, you know that the calmness has different levels. So, you know when someone is really calm then This is not this is out of character. So if I did not on the study my children I wouldn't know when things are wrong and I've also had that conversation with them where this well no matter what it is Whatever you want to talk about let's talk about it even when you are in the wrong So you see them coming to tell you oh I did this and that and that and that and it's like okay How do you feel is it right is it wrong when you even place yourself or what could you have done better? Given the a different situation or if you really talk thought about it Okay, maybe I should have handled it this way about so now they are able to express themselves and they talk about literally Anything as long as they're not comfortable about this is happy and I don't like it and now I understand why you don't like it This is so if in your own situation you had a voice even though there was no proper training Right, but now it's important to be intentional with proper training so that children can Easily identify because you could show the child the strong boy Uncomfortable initially with first of all he was okay with the hog and then when he drew his face to the pain To the to his lips Yes, and just in addition the parents could have also been in the crowd Smiling and then also being uncomfortable with what the situation is They could not run to the stage and say bring my child They could have been also there feeling helpless as well so it's important that parents or Guardians I don't just want to restrict this to parents guardians need to be sensitive and like I said we can't overflug it These conversations need to be had with children because don't underestimate the child of today They know much more than what you you think they know so like what I had mentioned earlier when you said okay That this is a teachable moment. I like you know from time to I asked what did you hear about this news? Oh, yes, so can you imagine that what kind of person is it now you have the opportunity to feel the pulse How they themselves are thinking about the situation so it's not just about having a conversation with them and forcing your own rules and regulations ask them how About the situation. What do they think some of them you might be surprised to say oh, I wish I was there I could have just given him a slap on the face that so they are even potential future advocates Absolutely. Let me take Karen from the US Karen are you there? Hello. Yes, I am. Hi. Oh, hi. Thank you for calling Hello, go ahead. We can hear you alive Okay, um, I just I I started what I started working about halfway through the show Go ahead. I just want to say that Things have always that I was 28 before I could say anything So let's stop from the that we employ in our home Because we always seem to think that the bad guy or the bad But it's not from the health health or the chef in the house or The driver of mommy's driver daddy's driver. So they're within the home, but we're We're teaching our kids to always look at the screen there outside Thank you. I was 28 you try to say anything Absolutely. Thank you Karen. And I hear you clearly and I want to say this that Abuse or abusers rather familiar people are familiar people. They are not people that are far from you and you're very correct If you go and hear the stories of people that were abused sexually as children and all of that They will tell you oh, there was one uncle that was living with them There was one auntie that was living with them, you know, there was their driver some even their parents, you know Their parents actually are the first abusers. So it's true For me what was worrisome for me in all of this is the the audacity That somebody had in the presence of you know every so that's to tell you if this boy was Secluded in a room with this person, right? Maybe God just needed that to happen so people can just you know, wake up and You know, I'd mentioned when I started the conversation That our common friend that you know made us to fall in love with doing the work of going to schools We we used to go on tours to go and talk to children on Subject of sexual abuse and what's he called their vision their personal hygiene etiquette and all of those things we used to teach them The power of your decision a power of your choices, you know, how you know when you're being groomed So some of the people are not this guy clearly is a groomer Right. He is not coming out right to say that come and suck my genitals But he's grooming the boy because what he did the steps these are steps of grooming I tried a hog. You gave the hog, you know, I started the pack You gave the pack you are still comfortable. I tried to kiss on the lip I saw a little bit of hesitation You still came you lean forward and you gave me the case then of course I would try the tongue The next thing when do you think he was going if they were no if there was nobody in that room That would have been the next you just say come and suck my cock You know that would have been the next line of action So there are even those ways to identify so when we used to do all of those cooters We see our ear don't fool Parents father abusing daughter mother abusing son. This is your biological parent It's not like you borrowed a child or you or you went to adopt a child your biological children So when Karen is talking about first abusers are from the home front. She's absolutely right, right? What we are just advocating now is that Opportunities like this parents should seek their children back because again We are so quick to say because what we find it uncomfortable to make the next person uncomfortable to disappoint the next person Yeah, be happy disappointing people. Listen now before if you they tell me so what I'm really disappointed in you I will if you but I know feel bad. I'm happy to disappoint you if you're this if me disappointing you It means I'm protecting my sanity Please by all means I will disappoint you because you see all these things in a bit to try to please people Because you have easily said no, but guess what? It has been a national disgrace headline a boy refuses whatever, but it is better. I Have protected my sanity. I protected myself Right, but we don't want to disappoint people and that's why when somebody's been abused a girl. She she's afraid What if I scream or you know because I did it They need you to be friends Everything silence is you and I always say this thing that same thrives in secrecy, right? If you continue being quite abusers that were in the home front, what happened once this news came out There was a friend of mine her Her her nephew, right? Her nephew was abusing her child nephew that I mean the spouses And Older sister son who was older his is me teens or almost late teens abusing her 10 year old Was performing the stuff with him From behind it was when the 10 year old was trying to not practice on the younger brother that the news came out Because they didn't know so he thought it was something that was normal So the younger brother said I will shout out tell mommy or tell mommy or tell mommy She doesn't tell mommy what because every time she's around she used to be the one to bathe them That oh this person is trying to put his wee wee in my bum bum She's literally you know where your heart will sink. She literally passed out And woke up and said what did you say? So they started doing the investigation and now found out it was somebody that was living within the home I'm praying that today that boy has really recovered Some of this madness that you see in adults today There is a deep seated issue From abuse and all of that you see a girl holding herself. She doesn't want to whatever go and check it Yeah, I was like you. I'm one that wish out. Oh, I will make all the my mother. I'm very stubborn Do it. I say no, I would like to be the person Do you understand so even abusers run away from stubborn children because they know that they will be only they always pray Yes, they play on the ones that are reclining hiding and all of that. So you must teach your children boldness You must teach them that confidence to be able to step up to anybody Whoever you are. I'm sorry, but you're wrong. I cannot I cannot suck your tongue. It is wrong That's your private part and I cannot suck it Just imagine if that boy said that yeah, then I will know that yes The parents have done a good job with that boy. Do you understand even that kissing safe? That's why I should It is so good because in some in some cultures Effect on the cheek, you know, I'm married to I we have an in-laws that is in French Now they will kiss you kiss you everywhere. You could also kiss everybody. So it's fine You know some cultures even accept kissing on the lip. That is their own way of greeting. You show you your welcome But you know bring out your tongue and the boy could not say no. I said no this has to go back to the Understand it has to go back to the parents and this is not me trying to say Oh, this is because everybody's quick to say we're always accusing parents parents parents. No We're saying that if today you to your a parent that you are watching and you have not started teaching your children You must teach them even I it is in old age. I learned how to say no Do you understand? Do you understand? Anything that makes you feel uncomfortable keys by all means No Stand up and it's it's the most step out like I said It's the power that you can give a child the ability to express How they feel and be okay with it because that's another thing, you know growing up But when we're growing up, they were not allowed to you know, if they said grand grit and uncle I say I don't feel Nobody asked questions. That's where you were talking about Jennifer about saying. Oh, why are you know? What's wrong with someone says it's important Santos he says please you need to find out if what happened between Dalai Lama and the boy was part of their culture Maybe we are just experiencing culture shock Because even the Dalai Lama came out to apologize It's not culture shock. Do you understand? I've never seen any culture that will stick out his tongue and tell him suck my tongue They bring out their hand for you to kiss their hand. Do you understand some cultures? Yeah, they'll bring out their hand for you to kiss their hand They can give you a peck on the cheek some give a peck on the on the on the lip But not bringing up your tongue, you know, if it was a culture thing He will not have come out to apologize comments like this Observes me and ex my soul so much because this type of people that are always looking for a different angle I get I get I get that that he's asking about culture But you read the full story and that's where I'm coming from the full story because he Who is supposed to be the spirituality that came out? To apologize If he didn't apologize and the people from his his he's Whatever Backed him up and say oh, that's our cup. That's a different thing But that wasn't mentioned and if it was part of your culture, he wouldn't have apologized Why are you coming from that angle? Very quickly what he was also say the person that sent this message it goes back to culture the culture of silence Rather than deal with a situation would rather paint it Yeah, because of who is also connected to Absolutely, so we have to run off. Sorry. We have a very very disturbing message here. Somebody's crying We're gonna we're gonna deal with this issue now, please before we go and show you send us and Pull us across all our social media handles if you missed our quote for today here It is again this thing is deeper than what we're saying, you know, I'm just trying to not be emotional here That's why I'm quiet We must protect families. We must protect children. We have an in a label right and Who are in a label right and should be loved should be taken care of physically? Mentally and should not be brought into the world to suffer in any form, please Please let's start to talk to our children parents. You need to protect your children The world is vicious. So you must viciously guard your children. I don't joke with children anybody that knows me Please will bring back the conversation. It has no ended. See you guys tomorrow at 8 p.m. I should bring another great conversation to your screen