 Part 1, Preface and Chapters 1-3 of This Giddy Globe. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Graham Dunlop. This Giddy Globe by Peter Simphill, FTG. Fellow of the Terrestrial Globe. Extended by Oliver Hurford, V.D.W.A. Very delightful wit and artist, Woodrow Wilson. Two, President Wilson. With all his faults, he quotes me still. Preface, the preface which is strictly private and concerns only ourselves and the reader, has been removed to another part of the book. Part 1, Why is the Globe? Chapter 1, The Creation. Six busy days it took in all to make a world and plan its fall. The seventh, someone said to us good and rested. Should you think he could? Knowing what the result would be, there would have been no rest for me. Claire Beecher-Kuma. It takes much longer to write a geography than, according to Moses, it took to create the world which it is the geographer's business to describe. And since the critic has been added to the list of created beings, it is no longer the fashion for the author to pass judgment on his own work. Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of the hypothetical nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe, was a protoplasmic stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a critic, just as the work of creation was finished. Would it not be interesting to speculate upon that critic's reception of the freshly made world? We may be sure that he would have found many things not to his liking. Technical defects such as the treatment of grass and foliage in green instead of the proper purple. The tinting of the sky, which any landscape painter will tell you, would be more decorative done in turquoise green than cobalt blue. Like the foolish butterfly in the Talmud, who, to impress Mrs. Butterfly, stamped his tiny foot upon the dome of King Solomon's Temple, our critic might have declared the world too flimsy in construction. He would certainly have found fault with the solar system and the plumbing, the absence of heat in winter when there is the greater need of it, and the paucity of moisture in the desert places where it never rains. The comicality of the ape family might have provoked a reluctant smile, but much more likely a lecture on the impropriety of descending to caricature in a serious work. At best, our critic would have pronounced the freshly made world the work of a beginner, conceding perhaps that he showed promise and might go far, and if he wished to be very impressive indeed, he would pretend that he had penetrated the veil of anonymity and hint darkly that he detected evident traces of a feminine touch. In that, however, our critic would only have been anticipating, for is there not at this very moment on the press a suffrage edition, for women only, of the roubaillette, in which one verse is amended to read thus. The ball no question makes of eyes or nose, but right or left as strikes the player goes, and she who tossed it down into the field, she knows about it all, she knows, she knows. Preface. Strictly private. For the reader only. Dear reader, this is for you and you only. We have concealed it between chapters one and two, so that we will not meet any eye but yours. We have a confession to make. It would be useless to attempt concealment. We have the digression habit. We have tried every known remedy, but we fear it is incurable. All we ask, gentle reader, is that when we stray too far, you'll favour us with a gentle reminder. Chapter two. A long jump. It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on geography, to Peter's simple. When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the fearsome list of geographers he has skipped, Strabo, Anaximander, Hecateus, Demoritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicharcus, Aristophanes, Polybius, Poseidonius, and Charles F. King, he may well be thankful to find that he has fallen upon his feet. The geographers' task is endless. The planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its appearance. After thousands and thousands of years, it is no nearer completion than it was in the beginning. The sea with its white teeth bites the edges of the continents into new shapes as a child bites the edges of a biscuit. The glaciers file away the mountains into valleys and plains. Beneath the ocean, busy insects are building the foundations of new continents and, under the earth, fiery demons are ready at all times to burst forth and help to destroy the old ones. It really begins to look as if this planet would never be finished. In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only two people in the world. Today we are preparing to put up the standing room only notice. In another thousand years, for all that we know, the earth may be going round dark and tenantless and bearing the sign too late. What does it matter to us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth? Sufficient under the day is the weevil thereof. Chapter 3 The Giddy Globe Men of science who delight in applying harsh terms to things that cannot talk back have called this Giddy Globe an oblate spheroid. Francis Bacon called it a bubble. Shakespeare an oyster. Rossetti a midge. And W.S. Gilbert addresses it familiarly as a ball. Roll on, thou ball, roll on. Through pathless realms of space, roll on. What though I'm in a sorry case? What though I cannot meet my bills? What though I suffer two-thanks ills? What though I swallow countless bills? Never you mind. Roll on. It rolls on. But these people belong to a privileged class that is encouraged, even paid, to distort the language and they must not be taken too literally. The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese. Her waist measurement is no less than 25,000 miles. In the hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise. But though she spins around on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an hour every day and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over. No wonder the globe is giddy. Questions? Explain the Nebula Hypothesis. State briefly the electromagnetic constituents of the Aurora Borealis and explain their relation to the Hertzian waves. Define the difference between the Hertzian wave and the Marcell wave. End of Part 1. Preface in chapters 1-3. Recording by Graham Dunlop. Part 1. Chapters 4-6 of This Giddy Globe. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Kevin Vink. The Reader. Read by David Lawrence. This Giddy Globe. And by Oliver Hareford. Chapter 4. The Use of the Globe. What is the earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the earth was made to supply the wants of man. But as man is part and parcel of the earth herself, dust of her dust, mold of her mold, it does not answer the question. Here we have a picture of the friendly cow, from an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker. Owing to the high price of living, the cow was partially eaten by the author before the photograph could be taken. To be sure the earth produces the tobacco plant and many other things that we classify among the needs of man, including the friendly cow. She walks among the flower-sweet and chews and chews and chews, and turns the men to friendly meat and pleasant boots and shoes. But the friendly cow may in her secret heart regard the classification as anything but friendly. For all we know in the hidden scheme of creation, the cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into the perfect being and man, to reverse Darwin, descending through the ape to ever lower plains only a discarded experiment. And the tobacco plant? In the course of time there may be no tobacco plant. Should the American people be again tempted to wage a world war for freedom, they may find on the return that tobacco plants have gone to join the great vines of California. Our only hope will then be that smoking is permitted in him. The author is digressing. Questions. What is friendship? Why is the cow friendly? Is the oyster friendly? When prohibition is applied to tobacco, will cigars containing less than one half of one percent tobacco be permitted? Chapter 5. The Equator. To start this self-centered, poised on an imaginary toe, she peer-wretts round her self-centered at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour. We say imaginary toe because the earth owing to the enormous size of her waist has never been able to see it. To anyone with a waist measurement of 25,000 miles, the very existence of toes is purely problematical. To wear an actual belt round a waist of such dimensions would be impossible even if it could be of any use. Instead, therefore, the earth wears around her middle an imaginary line called the Equator. To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence, we have depicted the earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way hampering her movement complies with the strict regulations pertaining to feminine attire. Being self-centered, the earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of self-esteem. Other spheres of equal or greater importance are averaged with luminaries and supposed to chiefly exist for the purpose of furnishing light when the sun and moon are otherwise engaged. Oh, would some power to the Gifty Gear to see as other planets see her? Questions. Can an imaginary line be said to exist? If not, why does it need an excuse for existence? Chapter 6. The Earth's Crust. Matter-of-fact geologists speak of the earth's crust as if there were only one crust. Thoughtful people like ourselves who can read between imaginary lines know that there are, as in Pi, two crusts, the upper crust and the under crust. The upper crust is pleasantly situated on the top and is rich and agreeable and much sought after. The under crust is soggy and disagreeable. The only apparent reason for its existence is to hold up the upper crust. To quote the imminent nonsenseologist Gillette Burgess, The upper crust is light as snow and gay with sugar rime. The under crust must stay below. It has a horrid time. When in the course of time the upper crust becomes too rich and heavy for the popular taste, the social pie flops over and the under crust becomes the upper crust. These periodic flip flops with the social pie are called revolutions. We would think that our evolving pie would be a disturbing thing to have in one system, but the giddy globe doesn't seem to mind it in the least. Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to peer wet at the rate of a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter. The latest specimen of acrobatic pastry is after a Russian recipe. The Bolshevik pie has no upper crust at all and is declared by the leading chefs of Europe to be unfit for human consumption, but the proof of the pie is in the eating. How would you like to try just that? Take it away or we won't read another word. Oh very well, we never did care much for pie anyway, not even for breakfast. End of Part 1, Chapters 4-6, Recording by Kevin Vink. Part 1, Chapter 7-9 of this giddy globe. This is a Le Provox recording, all Le Provox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit leprovox.org, recording by Ellie. The Reader, read by David Lawrence. This giddy globe by Oliver Hurford, Chapter 7, The Temperature of the Globe. In spite of incessant and violent exercise, the giddy globe, as we have remarked before, is unable to keep comfortably warm all over, where temperature varies from intense colder to upper and lower extremities to fever-heating the region of her equatorial diaphragm. The ancient geographers indicated these variations of temperature by means of zones. The term zone is derived from the Greek word sunny, a bell to girdle, and the girdle in the days of the first geography book was the principle if not only garment of a well-dressed person. Today, however, the girdle is no longer accepted as a complete costume. No modern costumer would count in such a model, it would be too easy to copy and consequently unprofitable. In the knee-plus altar of Newport, a palm-peach society would hesitate to pose for the Sunday supplement photographer in a one-piece basing girdle. You might explore the world of dress, from the land of the midnight follies to the uttermost parts of Greenwich Village, and find nothing exactly like it. It is on its way to be sure, but it will never be fashionable until. The two extremes of decoll day, of ballroom and of basing beach, here meet in a bewildering way and mingle all the charms of each. Why then in this up-to-date geography book should we depict the giddy globe in an obsolete hoop skirt of imaginary zones, when striving to answer the question, we have hit upon a pleasing compromise, at least it is up-to-date. A and E are the two extremities of the giddy globe, which are quite bare, they correspond to the frigid zones, C is the closet, which being hot and uncomfortable corresponds to the toilet, D is, that is to say, R. Part in us for interrupting, but we thought this was to be a geography book. Chapter 8 The Age of the Globe Some people are sensitive about their ages. The giddy globe has never told hers. Hope, man of science, of the careful examination, declare she can't be a day under five billion years old. Theologicans, ever tactful in feminine matters, set her down as a shrinking young thing of barely four thousand summers. The delicacy of feeling goes with the bulging thumb rather than with the bulging forehead, whoever saw a simple shop or if had man of science. Happy the man with the bulging thumb, who smiles and smiles and is never clam, but the less for the man with the bulging pro, if he wanted to smile he wouldn't know how. If the giddy globe asked us to guess her age, we should say, without the moment's hesitation, whatever it is, you certainly don't look it. Astronomers may say what they like, a planet is as old as it looks, especially if it is a lady planet, and we have seen hours when she didn't look a June day over sixteen. And not having a bulging forehead, it holds her so. Astronomers think themselves so wise, but what do they know about the sex of the planets? With the exception of Mother Earth and all soul fervor's nothing. If you asked an astronomer whether the Blade Girls were really the daughters of Atlas, and what Jupiter was doing with eight moons, if there were eight moons, you would think you were traveling with him. But is it not possible that the old trick tells you the gavel gossip of an age-forgotten science, of which we have only the ABC, if it is love that makes the world go round, and who can prove that it isn't, what makes the other planets go round? How about the movements of the heavenly bodies? How about? This is all very interesting, but don't you think perhaps it is? Quite right, quite right, how do we run on? Chapter 9 The Face of the Globe There are no good photographs of the Giddy Globe. She refuses to sit. Imagine attempting to photograph an obese and flighty spheroid, who spends her time piroyating around in a circle with all her might and main. Perhaps it is to avoid the photographer that the Earth spins, and not merely to reduce her girth as we hinted elsewhere. In these days, such a strenuous evasion of publicity is suspicious. Where does she come from? Where is she going? She refuses to answer. She will not even state her business or tell her real name. For Ian's, quite the number of Ian's, this Giddy one has been going round, and the various male and female aliases such as Cosmos, Mother Earth, The World, Mrs. Candy, The Footstool, The Terrestrial Globe. If you look up her record, you will find the following price notices. The Earth is a sieve, Timon of Athens, Earth is bitter, Wordsworth, This distracted globe, Hamlet, This tough world, King Lear, The World, Merchant of Venice, This world is given to the lying, Henry Foss, This world is too much with us, Wordsworth, The world is grown so bad, Richard Seart, The narrow world, Julius Caesar, The world is not typhoon, Romeo and Juliet, The world's a bubble, bacon, This world is only fleeting show, Moore, This world was not versy, St. Paul, The world's a tragedy, Horace Wellpole, This bleak world, Moore, The very weight of all this intelligible world, Wordsworth, A world of vile, ill-favoured faults, Mary-wives of Windsor, Stale, flat and unprofitable, seem to me all the uses of this world, Hamlet, This dim-spotted man called Earth, Milton, The wicked world, W. S. Gilbert. It is possible that the Giddy globe has read the above clippings, and realizing that she has been discovered, spins round with all her might to avoid being photographed for the rogue's gallery of the universe. Appearance is certainly against her, and I move to contemplate the rodent unregenerate state of the Trampages I probate, the world at large, and as a market stony fist, and see it whoop and whirl and whiz, I can but cry, O Lord, where is the world at large? End of Part 1, Chapter 7-9, Recording by Ellie, January 2010 Part 1, Chapters 10-12, of this Giddy Globe. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Diana Meilinger. This Giddy Globe, by Oliver Herford. CHAPTER X. CLIMATE AND WEATHER. Climate is a theory. Weather is a condition. Or, to make it clearer to the reader, climate is a hypothesis, and weather is a reductio ad absurdum. This explains why it invariably snows for the first time in years, whenever one goes to California. What is the weather for? Everything in nature is designed to contribute to the needs or pleasures of mankind. From the tree of the forest we get the wood from which the nutmeg is made, the wood alcohol for our scotch highball, and the pulp for our newspaper, which, in turn, is transmuted to leather for the soles of our soldiers boots. From the sands of the sea we make sugar for sweetening our coffee, that mysterious beverage, the secret of whose manufacture has never been reeled. From the cotton plant comes the woolen undergarment, and the soldiers blanket. From the lowly cabbage springs the Havana Perfecto, with its gold and crimson band, and from the simple turnip is distilled the golden champagne, without which so many lives will now be empty. Even the humble straw has its uses, to indicate the trend of the air current and for the stuffing of the life-preserver. What then is the use of the weather? Supposing you have made a globe, and put some people upon it to live. What would you do to make them feel at home? You would give them something to talk about. Just so, the weather was designed to furnish a universal topic of conversation for man. Without the weather, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine out of one million conversation would die in their infancy. In the first geography book we learn from Moses how and of what the weather was made. Just then nothing has been so much talked about as the weather, and nothing has so little advance been made. Questions. Is it not a rioting that makes the weather wane? Where does the winter resort in summer, and why? How many litters of champagne can be extracted from the cube root of one turnip? What did the weather do to get herself so talked about? Chapter 11 Land and Water The terrestrial globe is pleasingly tinted in blue, pink, yellow and green. The blue portion is called water, and is inhabited by oysters, clams, submarines, lobsters and turtles, besides the delightful schools of fishes and whales. The pink, yellow and green portions are called land, and are alive with human beings and other animals and vegetables. Besides the animals and vegetables there are mountains, table-lands, rivers, forests and lakes. In former times mountains were used as protective burials. Today they serve as monuments to public men for whom they are named, and country-seeds for retired grocers and fishmongers. Rivers are the most curious and interesting form of water. Though seldom as shallow, they are as lengthy and involved as congressional speeches, and have to be curled into the most ludicrous shapes to get them into the countries where they belong. The first thing a river does after rising is to be take itself as fast as it can to the nearest river-bed, in which it remains for the rest of its days. The largest river in the world is the Amazon, named after the single-breasted suffragette of ancient times. Questions How many rivers can get into one river-bed? Why is a congressman? When Noah saw the flood subside, the world is going dry, he cried, so let us all without delay fill up against a droughty day. Chapter 12 The Discovery of the World In the first geography we are told of a young married couple who were cast into the world for a pomological error on their part, about 4000 BC. Some seventeenth centuries later the world was lost site of Inadeluge. It was rediscovered by a navigator named Noah, who, though barely six hundred years old, was a commander of a sea-going menagerie. After Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed from his zoological water-wagen upon a precipitous aegiatic jag, called Ararat, on the twenty-seventh of February, two thousand three hundred BC. End of Part 1, Chapter 10-12 Part 1, Chapter 13-17 of this Giddy Globe. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org, recording by Elisheva Isis. The Reader, read by David Lawrence. This Giddy Globe by Oliver Herford. Chapter 13 The Habitable Globe The term habitable globe was doubtless invented by some celestial humanists who had never visited this planet. People live on it to be sure, but they have no choice. There is nowhere else to live. The Giddy Globe Isn't it about time to drop this personal simile? Quite so. Suppose we consider the globe as an apartment house. We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily constructed. The heating apparatus is out of date. The apartments nearest to the radiator are insufferably hot. Those far away and terribly cold, and those between too changeable for comfort. The water supply is unreliable. In some apartments, great numbers perish every year from first. In the cellar there is ammunition factory where, in defiance of regulations, there are store high explosives. This blow up from time to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants. The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the house was started, and holds his job in spite of incest and complaints. When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls, and when people want him most to stay, nothing can stop him. His name is Tempus. Chapter 14. The Tenants The first tenants, as before stated, were a young couple who had been compelled to live a more luxurious apartment, because children were not allowed, though animals of all kinds, even snakes, were tolerated. On the whole, the globe is anything but a model apartment house. Each family considers itself the only respectable one in the building, and they are constantly squabbling for the possession of the most desirable rooms. The tenants of the different stories originally of one color have been turned according to their proximity to the solar stove. They come in five shades of fast colors, black, brown, yellow, red and white, the white color is moving farthest away from the stove. There are also some brighter colors which are not guaranteed, varying from the chromatic discord of the post-impressionist savage to the delicate rose pink of the perfect lady. This last is the most deletable of all, but alas, it is the one that fades most quickly. Chapter 15. Praise. All the families agree that the tenants of the globe should be formed shade. Each family, however, thinks that his own particular shade is the only fitting one for the perfect human being. To that end, he spends a large part of his time in scheming how to get rid of all the other things, all of which is a great waste of centuries. All temples the janitor has always settled the thin question with his solar stove and all wheels wheel. A week at the seashore in August, how to convince anyone of the efficiency of the solar tint factory in the tongue of the surf bath is locked up the secret of race coloration. And yet, there are some great and wisewals who believe that the civilization with the assistant of Mr. Marconi and Mr. Rolls Royce and a few others will bring the race families into such close relationship that they will eventually be all blended into one harmonious neutral team. A pale mobile, one tint, one religion, one food, one dress, one drink, one everything, how appalling. And think of the moment when it is to be decided once and forever which it is to be blonde or brunette, all those wise and great ones. Chapter 16. Governments of the globe. The best definition of government may be found in worse, worse lines. The simple plan that they should take who have the power and they should keep who come. In every community on earth, the strongest, the craftiest or the wealthiest of the male inhabitants conspired to compel their weaker, stupider or poorer brothers and sisters to pay them for the privilege of remaining on earth. Government by the strongest is called an absolute monarchy. Government by the craftiest are limited monarchy. Government by the wealthiest are republic. In an absolute monarchy, the people are controlled. In a limited monarchy, they are kejald. In a republic, they are sold. For the successful operation or limited monarchies and republics, it is necessary to dilute the common people into the belief that they are managing their own affairs. This is accomplished by means of a House of Lords, Congress, Chamber of Deputies, Diet, Cortes, Assembly, Soviet, etc. These merry contrivances are designed on the principle of the revolving squirrel cage, furnishing harmless exercise without progression. Questions. What is a constitution? A concession to liberty enabling her to talk herself to death. What is the essential difference between one government and another? The price of life. Chapter 17. The Morals of the Giddy Globe According to Moses, the first geographer in morality is an heirloom handed down to us by our first parents. Men of science, on the other hand, declare it to be merely the psychoneurotic reaction of climatic environment on the celliferous organism. In other words, vice is nothing more than virtue outside of its natural geographical latitude. This is clearly set forth in the accompaniment of a map of the world in which the familiar idiosyncrasies of mankind, which we are willing to differentiate as purchase herbises, are shown for the first time in their proper geographical environment. End of Part 1, Chapter 13-17, Recording by Elisheva Isis Galitha, January 2010 Part 2, chapters 18-21 of this Giddy Globe This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Kevin Vink The Reader Read by David Lawrence This Giddy Globe by Oliver Hairford Part 2, The Countries of the Earth The countries of the Earth may be divided into two groups, the English-speaking countries and the foreign countries. The English-speaking countries, which comprise the United States and the British Empire, occupy one-fourth of the entire surface of the globe. The rest are just foreign countries. Chapter 18, The Polls The earth has three kinds of poles, the frigid poles in the north and south, and the very hot poles in the center of Europe. This chapter is about the north pole. The north pole is the geographical interrogation point of the earth. It is probably the only absolutely moral spot in the world. Scientists declared to be the site of the Garden of Eden, thus giving color to the popular notion that Eden was the original roof garden. The only language that has ever been spoken in the north pole is English. The language that Lieutenant Perry used when he found the footprint of Dr. Cook on the pole, whatever else it might be, was English, and the language of the next discoverer, when he finds or does not find the footprint of Lieutenant Perry, will probably be English too. Whatever use may be ultimately found for the north pole, up to the present time, it has only been used for advertising purposes. The frozen tracks that surround it bear the names of adventurers, princes, and editors, and the very topmost tip out of compliment to a well-known pianist and politician has been called the magnetic pole. So far as we know, all the disadvantages of the north pole are shared by the south pole, but for some reason, the south pole has never been so successful as an advertising medium. Chapter 19, America. Let us see America first. On a modern map of the Western Hemisphere, America's as easy to see is the decorations on the breast of a rear admiral of a dry dock. One wonders how it escaped being discovered so long. But when you look at this map of the Western Hemisphere, as it appeared about a thousand years ago when Leif Erickson discovered New England, you will understand that discovering America in those days was no child's play. Nevertheless, Leif, the son of Erick, did not think much of his find. How could a low-route Viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years? After writing his impressions of America in obscure runes on a conspicuous rock, Leif pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway. No one could decipher the runes, but everybody suspected what they meant. And Leif was justly punished for his rudeness. His statue stands, so run the sail, in the thin way of Boston to this day. America was not discovered again for nearly 500 years. Then Christopher Columbus took a hand. By the way, made four trips to the New World, Columbus carelessly neglected to write a book or even a magazine article on his impressions of America. A new path in navigation, just as an art or literature, once shown is easy to follow. And seven years later, an Italian plagiarist named America discovered America all over again and copyrighted the whole continent in his own name. By this time, the continent of America had gained considerably in bulk and offered an easy mark to the horde of discoverers who came in the wake of America. And still they come. And though it is too late to secure a copyright on the continent, they never failed to copyright their impressions of America. Chapter 20 Boston In spite of many laudable attempts, America was never seriously discovered until the year 1620, when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts, a cargo of heirlooms, Boston terriers, beans, and ancestors. Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts, the manufacture of genuine antique furniture, and pedigrees, human, and canine. Boston is a center of gravity, completely surrounded by newtons. Boston is also the center of the universe. The great poet Anonymous has immortalized Boston as the home of the bean and the cod, where laudables speak only to cabots and cabots speak only to God. Some say the lines were not written by Anonymous, but by a later poet named Ibbid. But what does a poet's name matter except to his creditors? Boston is famous for its historic associations and the landmarks which well repay a visit. Even the quaint and curious Pullmans that convey the traveler a thither are relics of a bygone day and a joy to the heart of the antiquarian. Chapter 21 The United States The United States is a large body of laughter loving people completely surrounded by trusts. It is the richest country in the world, nowhere is food so plentiful, nowhere are the cows so friendly, the hens so industrious. When the American hens die, they go to join their unhatched children in a cold storage heaven where they live forever. So to the cows, so to the fish, if there is room for them. If not, they are turned into fertilizer to keep them from scaling down the market price. To add to the merriment of the people, the sovereign farmers and financiers pass an amendment to the constitution and holy writ. See 1st Timothy chapter 5 verse 23 abolishing temperance, the sin of resisting temptation. At their bidding, thousands of acres of deadly grapefines have been destroyed and if these great and good men fulfill their promise, ere long the nation will be saved also from the ravages of the vicious debate. We fail to see what this has to do with geography. Well, to return to the United States, the United States is a large dry country bounded on the north by Canadian club whiskey, on the south by Mexican pulque, and on the east and west by salt water. The population consists of 100 million thirsty souls, some of whom are Americans. Religious to a fault and ambidextrously prodigal, they nevertheless show signs reverting to the condition of the arboreal anthropoids. A race of chaffingers is developing. At certain hours of the day, they may be seen seeking their habitation and flocks, swinging from strap to strap with loud cries and a peculiar whirring motion. The original inhabitants were red Indians. These were supplanted by pale pilgrims, who first settled the country and then settled the Indians. The Indian practice of painting and wearing feathers shocked the pilgrim fathers and pilgrim mothers, but the pilgrim daughters made a note of the fashions for future use. The climate of the United States is bracing and stimulating. Travers have even been known to be extremely exhilarating. It is absolutely non-intoxicating. Prohibition chemists, after a careful analysis, have discovered no perceptible trace of alcohol. The Anti-Saloon League has decided that the youth of the atmosphere shall be in no way restricted. In large cities, the sky is kept clean by means of tall skyscrapers. Nowhere is there a more impressive example of American inventive genius than the array of skyscrapers seen from New York Harbor. Day and night, year in, year out, imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky. Another object of interest in the harbor is the statue of a once popular favorite. People who remember her say it is far from a flattering likeness. The capital of the United States is Washington, named after a famous Britisher who won American independence from George III, the fat German king of Unsound Mine then holding down the English throne. New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over 5 million people and languages besides English. The inhabitants of America are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War. End of Part 2, Chapters 18-21 Recording by Kevin Fink Part 2, Chapters 22-26 of This Giddy Globe This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Kevin Fink This Giddy Globe Chapter 22, Canada Canada, with the exception of Mexico, is the only part of North America not ruled by the Irish. In former days it was a popular health resort for frenzied financiers who wished to retire from the private life. It is now a still more popular resort for Americans suffering from thirst. Their next-door neighbors and rivals in business and what is still more to come, Canada and the United States are the best of friends. For over a hundred years there has not been so much as a picket fence or a policeman much less a patrol or fortification on the borderline between the two countries. Canada has not, like her sister Columbia, severed home ties. She is perfectly happy on the parental roof, earns her own living, has a latchkey and stays out as late as she pleases and has never been able to understand why girls leave home. Though differing in many respects, Canada have so much in common and are so nearly of the same age and size that in any musical comedy of nations the two might easily pass for a sister turn. The inhabitants of Canada are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 23, Great Britain If you look carefully under the upper left hand corner of the map of Europe you'll find a small pink island no bigger than the state of Idaho but a country must not be judged by its size. The planet Jupiter is 12 times as large as this gay globe of ours and is 8 private moons of its own but for all that, Jupiter is not a desirable spot for lovers, being for the most part molten and somewhat spotty. This little pink island is Great Britain, the little mother of one fourth of all of the countries of the globe including the United States. The English people, or if one must be accurate, the British are the most to and fro word people in the world like the bear and the fable when they are tired of going to and fro they reverse the process and go fro and to. With bibles and bath tubs and ballads and beer and hope and hygienics, they girdle the sphere. In every quarter of the globe they have planted seeds of self-government which today are blossoming into an English speaking union under the British and American flags that embrace one fourth of the surface of the earth. The climate of England is temperate, its air is not like that of the United States compared to Champagne, London the capital is famous for its fogs, this is due to the absence of skyscrapers. London is also the center of that vicious heritage of the Victorian era, respectability. For an enjoyable degree of latitude, the Londoner must go to Paris, Vienna or Budapest and other capitals which in turn take their degrees of longitude from London or Greenwich. This picture shows the famous rock of Gibraltar, inscribed with the French motto of British respectability The principle products of Great Britain are beef, bishops, banks and barometers. The inhabitants of England are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and the army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 24 Scotland A mountainous peedy region in the northern part of Great Britain, the dew distilled from the Scotch mountains flavored with the peat of the valleys is highly prized by the natives not only of Scotland but of all the English-speaking countries of this giddy globe. The inhabitants are a tall, barb, wiry, music-loving pious and joke-fearing race fond of loud plads and still louder songs. Their tall spare frames have given rise to the term bony, or bonny, Scotland, supposed by some to be derived from bonnet, the national headgear. The principle products of Scotland are porridge, parsons and pillbrokes. The inhabitants of Scotland are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 25 Ireland Ireland is the land of the Irish bull a paradoxical bovine whose cross-eyed horns can toss a British commonplace in two directions at once. The population of Ireland consists chiefly of absentee landlords and immigrants to the United States. They are ruled by two absentee governments a parliament and Westminster and an itinerant president. The country is infested with absentee snakes. It is believed that the serpent who tempted Eve from the way he had with the women was one of these absentee snakes. Strabo, the Greek geographer who visited Ireland long before St. Patrick describes the inhabitants as more savage than the Britons feeding on human flesh and enormous eaters, deeming it commendable to vour their deceased fathers. Strabo evidently attended awake and calculated the strength of the national beverage. The principal products of Ireland are potatoes, pugilist, patriots, footnote the term patriot is derived from the two Greek words pat, a patronymic and riot, a national pastime in the footnote. Poutine and Bernard Shaw The inhabitants of Ireland are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 26 See the Welsh Rabbit, he is bred on cheese or cheese on bread whichever you may please although he is tough, he looks so mild who would think that a strongman from this small beast would shrink Carolyn Wells Wales is the home of the Welsh Bards so called because the language in which they are written which resembles a mixture of Czech, Chinese, Celtic and Choctaw is barred from the concert and operatic stage. The most famous products of Wales are the Welsh Rabbit, the Prince of Wales and Lloyd George. The Welsh Rabbit, born in a chafing disc and prolific as his namesake of Australia, has spread all over the giddy globe and has been a potent factor in keeping the world awake. Lloyd George too, strange parallel was born in a political chafing dish and has been an even more powerful factor in keeping the world awake. Let us hope that the Prince of Wales bless him will follow in the footsteps of this illustrious pair and live to keep the world awake long after this geography has gone into its hundred thousandth edition. The Prince has been immortalized in the following lines. Hooray cried the kitten Hooray as he merrily set the sail. I sail over the ocean today today to look at the Prince of Wales. Oh kitten pause at the brink and think of the angry gales. Ah yes cried the kitten but think or think of the Prince of Wales. But kitten I cried dismayed if you live to be afraid to look at the Prince of Wales. Said the kitten no such thing why should he make me wince if a cat may look at a king a kitten may look at a prince. End of part 2 chapter 22 through 26 recording by Kevin Vink. Part 3 chapters 27 to 32 of this giddy globe. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Graham Dunlop The Reader Read by David Lawrence This giddy globe by Oliver Hurford Part 3 Foreign Countries Chapter 27 South America From the beginning of time up to the present century the continents of North and South America were joined together in terrestrial bonds of matrimony. They were seemingly inseparable. The first indication that everything was not as it should be with this long united couple was in the year 1880 when a Frenchman named Delesseps who had already succeeded in divorcing Asia and Africa attempted to bring about a separation. The attempt however was a failure and after dragging on for 8 years proceedings were dropped for want of funds. 14 years later President Roosevelt desiring to remove all obstacles to a much desired union of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans started a new action for divorce on the same grounds as that of Delesseps and in August 1902 the divorce of North and South America and the wedding of the Atlantic and Pacific oceans were simultaneously celebrated. The northern and southern continents are now better friends than ever and the Atlantic ocean no longer has to sneak round by the back door to spend an evening with the Pacific. Chapter 28 Holland The Dutch are the cleanest people in the world. So deep-seated is Dutch cleanliness that godliness, in the next seat must get up and cling to a strap. In Holland they run cleanliness into the ground. The heads of the cabbages are inspected every day and the ears of the corn and the necks of the bottles scrubbed regularly every Saturday night. The sky alone escapes the mop of the Dutch housewife but the clouds are kept busy posing for the landscape painters. Even the wind is not allowed to be idle. Windmills are posted everywhere and not a breath of air can stir without performing some useful task. And the sea the majestic sea that's always boasted of its freedom is locked up in dykes and forced to do the work of highways and railroads. The capital of Holland is The Hague and here was held the first peace conference in 1898 a gathering of autocrats and plutocrats to discuss the economics of war. Firstly to make rules by which war may be conducted with the least possible damage to vested interests. Secondly to reduce the cost of war by the use of methods which while putting a soldier out of action will not injure him beyond the possibility of repair for use in another war. Today the peace palace is Tullet and Andrew Carnegie who built it is dead. But another conference called by Woodrow Wilson is to be held in Geneva which Peter Simple hopes will abolish war forever. The inhabitants of Holland are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 29 Belgium Belgium may be compared to a Hollandaise sauce with a pecan-gullic flavour. Belgium is the bridgeway from Prussia to France and King Albert of Belgium is the modern Horatius who facing fearful odds for the ashes of his fathers and the temple of his gods kept the bridge in the brave days of 1914. Crowns are not as fashionable today as they were in 1914 but the crown of King Albert is of the sort that will never be out of style and besides being a perfect fit is strikingly becoming to him. When Julius Caesar described the Belgians as the bravest of all the Gauls he was a prophet as well as a historian. The inhabitants of Belgium are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and if they hadn't kept the bridge the world war could never have been won. Chapter 30 France France is the greatest millinery power on earth. The capital of France is Paris. Paris though inhabited largely by Americans in English is famous for its gaiety. The principal products of Paris are plaster of Paris Paris green Paris holes and pâté de foie gras. Alliteration is the theft of accuracy. Pâté de foie gras Strasbourg The reader is for once mistaken. Paris as everyone knows is France and Strasbourg thanks to Haig, Fauch, Albert Pershing and Co. is now French. Paris is divided into two parts one Paris proper famous for the Eiffel Tower a skyscraper that contains no offices and the Haigassin de Louvre which is visited by thousands of Americans daily. There is also another Louvre containing some pictures hand painted and statues two Paris improper see appendix. The inhabitants of France are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 31 Germany this space to let While repairs are being made in the temporary absence of Messers Hohenzollernen Co the show window of this establishment may be rented for the display of Bolshevism, anarchism socialism or any other popularism that may apply. Chapter 32 Switzerland Switzerland is famous for its condensed milk cuckoo clocks yodlers and heroes The Swiss are an artless people what more worthy people whose every alpine gap yawns with tradition and is stocked with noble story yet the perverse and scornful one art will none of it and the sons of patriots are left with a lock that turns the mill and the sudden cuckoo with difficulty restrained in its box Whistler The inhabitants of Switzerland are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. End of Part 3 Chapter 27 to 32 Recording by Graham Dunlop Part 3 Chapter 33 to 37 of This Giddy Globe This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Graham Dunlop The Reader Read by David Lawrence This Giddy Globe by Oliver Hurford Chapter 33 Monaco Monaco is the center of the spinning industry of the world Over a million and a quarter people go to Monte Carlo every year to spin The inhabitants of Monaco are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war. Chapter 34 Turkey When always once a turkey comes before us on a platter like this shorn of all that indeed it to itself a burnt offering to appetite fresh from the burning no one questions what will be the last scene of all that ends this strange eventful history All he wants to know is whether he'll get the particular slice he has mentally reserved for himself Just so that other turkey that sits on the fence between Europe and Asia and gobbles defiance at an avenging world The avenging powers sit round as they have sat round before waiting each one for the slice he has mentally reserved for himself but there won't be any slices You may burn you may shatter the turkey if you will he will rise from his ashes and roost with you still He is the modern incarnation of the indestructible phoenix bird Nevertheless we must give the devil his due The Turks are a fearless people They have many wives The inhabitants of Turkey are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and they won the war Chapter 35 Russia Russia comprises one sixth of the landscape and the landscape of the globe Formerly the property of a bazaar named Nicholas it is now owned by a super-zar named Lenin The principal objects of interest are Samovars Soviets, Sables and the Steps are quite bare have nothing to do with those of the Russian Dancers At the present stage of Russian affairs they may better be compared to the well-known Steps of Avernus which are for descent only and easy at that Today almost the only articles of Russian manufacture are natural ice and press dispatchers of manufacture of the Russia as regards volume at least there has never been such an enormous Why go on about Russia Quite right Russia is too large for such a little geography as this We will leave Russia as quickly as possible Watch your step Chapter 36 Norway and Sweden It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden It is a country couple or couple of countries it would be hard to meet anywhere and so propinqueous Have they not been next door neighbors from the infancy of the world and everybody knows what propinquity does It is Cupid's middle name What more natural than that they should get married Haven't you heard Well it all happened so quickly that they were married in Vienna in 1815 and well you know propinquity is the devil's middle name too they were divorced in 1905 after a brief married life of only 90 years What could have been the trouble Some say the food others attribute it to the domestic drama Perhaps it was both Here is a typical Scandinavian menu Pickled oysters Bisc of snails Fried fish Native wine Quince ice cream Onions and biscuits It might almost pass for an Ibsen play with the average theatregoer It has what the average theatregoer calls atmosphere I once drew Ibsen looking bored across a deep Norwegian fjord and very nearly everyone mistook him for the midnight sun Norway is the home of the Ibsenian or Stodgi as distinguished from the Stagie Drama James Hoeneke the eminent lexicographer as a compliment to that great and here sutiferous playwright has re-quissoned Norway the land of the midnight whiskers The inhabitants of Norway and Sweden are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and they won the world war Chapter 37 Africa Africa is the richest jackpot in the game of territorial frees out played by the European powers The stakes represent diamonds gold, ivory, rubber and slaves though the latter are nominally outside the limit The game began nearly three centuries ago and now in the early morning of the 20th century such a fascinating game is poker It is still in progress though Germany who staked all her pile and lost has dropped out The ancient Greek geographer Strabo 64 BC describes Africa as the fruitful nurse of large serpents elephants antelopes and similar animals of lions also and panthers He does not mention the chimpanzees who are the most remarkable of all the aboriginal inhabitants a gentle and peace loving race abstentious without being bigoted and patriotic to a high degree with very few surviving transportation from their native jungle Children behold the chimpanzee he sits on the ancestral tree from which we sprang in ages gone I'm glad we sprang had we held on we might for all that I can say be horrid chimpanzees today The inhabitants of Africa are the most moral and patriotic in the world and their army is second to none and they won the world war End of Part 3 Chapters 33-37 Recording by Graham Dunlop Part 3 Chapters 38-42 Epilogue and Appendix of This Giddy Globe This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information all to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Graham Dunlop The Reader Read by David Lawrence This Giddy Globe by Oliver Hurford Chapter 38 Arabia Arabia is the home of the camel and the Bedouin The camel may be likened to a desert ship This is not new to the craft with frowning turrets fore and aft We little realize on earth how much we owe to his great girth for should he ever shrink so small as through the needle's eye to crawl rich men might climb the golden stairs and so leave nothing to their ears The camel is called the ship of the desert because its gate is said to resemble the motion of a ship To be strictly accurate it is 100 times worse than a ship but not quite so bad as a motorbus The Bedouin makes his bed in the sand or bedrock avoiding riverbeds or water in any form He must not be confounded with the folding Bedouins of North America The folding Bedouins are a semi-nomadic tribe with some to be related to the whole Romanians and the Red Incas of Bohemia The inhabitants of Arabia are the most moral and patriotic in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war Chapter 39 Australia Anyone desiring a change from the wearisome rotation of our seasons should go to Australia Spring commences on September 23 Summer on December 22 Autumn on March 21 and Winter on June 21 The fauna of Australia as if determined not to be outdone in eccentricity by the seasons is represented by the Ornithhorincas paradoxus which Peter Simple has described in the following lines My child the duck-billed platypus a sad example sets for us From him we learn how indecision of character provokes derision This vacillating beast you see could not decide which he would be fish, flesh or fowl and chose all three The scientists were sorely vexed to classify him so perplexed their brains that they with rage at bay called him a horrid name one day a name that baffles frights and shocks us Ornithhorincas paradoxus The inhabitants of Australia are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war Chapter 40 China China is known as the flowery kingdom It is the most exclusive flower garden in the world and is surrounded by a high wall The only flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little flower of Pico and her sisters who leave their porcelain paradise to cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world The area of China too may be likened to a flower Her treasure is the envy of the world and flower-like she must remain rooted to the ground while the busy bees from other lands relieve her of everything she possesses Everyone agrees that China should have an open door but the busy bee nations want a door that opens only inwards while the flower nation wants a door that opens only outwards At a recent conference of bees and flowers Peter Simple suggested a revolving door as a compromise A commission was at once appointed by President Chu Qin Chao to report on revolving doors The matter is still being revolved It may end in a revolution The inhabitants of China are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war Chapter 41 Japan Here we have long rows and columns of Japanese alphabets Translation The inhabitants of Japan are the most moral and patriotic people in the world and their army is second to none in bravery and won the world war Chapter 42 Egypt India Italy Spain Greece etc No work on geography could be called complete without a description of these six counting etc countries If the reader should ask me how I came to leave six such important countries to the last page I should be compelled to change the subject Writing a little geography book is like packing a very small bag for a journey around the world only instead of cramming it with shirts and shoes and collars and handkerchiefs and brushes you stuff it full of countries and when you try to close it as with the bag you always find that you've left out at least several of the most important things No amount of squeezing or sitting on the lid will make room for six such big countries in a little book that's already as full as it can be The only thing to do is take out all the countries and lay them in a row and see which you can get along best without you can't possibly spare any of the large countries the question of how many of the little countries together would You are digressing again worse than ever this thing has got to stop oh very well if that's the way the reader feels about it it shall stop right here the end epilogue if this little world tonight suddenly should fall through space in a hissing headlong flight trivelling from off its face as it falls into the sun in an instant every trace of the little crawling things ants, philosophers and lice cattle, cockroaches and kings beggars, milgineers and mice men and maggots all as one as it falls into the sun who can say but at the same instant from some planet far a child may watch us and exclaim see the pretty shooting star appendix see next page next page the appendix has been removed end of part 3 chapters 38 to 42 epilogue and appendix end of This Giddy Globe by Oliver Hurford recording by Graham Dunlop