 Craft presents the Great Gilder Sleeve. Hee hee hee hee. This week at this time, Craft presents from Hollywood, California, Harold Perry as the Great Gilder Sleeve. Written by Leonard L. Evanson. We'll hear from the Great Gilder Sleeve in just a moment. But first, here's something I'd certainly be puzzling about if I were a housewife these days, and that's the problem of how to serve my family all the wholesome, nutritious foods they need and still keep within my budget. Well, here's one way to help solve that problem, and it's a mighty pleasant way too. Yes, for nourishment your family needs, and for flavor they're sure to like. Serve them delicious economical Parquet margarine, made by Craft. You see, Parquet margarine is a highly nutritious food that's one of the best sources of food energy. And to Parquet's natural wholesome goodness, Craft adds vitamin A, 9,000 units to every single pound. But rich food value isn't all. Important too is Parquet margarine's flavor, that delicate appetizing taste that makes it the favorite of thousands of families. For table use, for seasoning, for baking, and for pan frying. Just one taste will tell you about Parquet's flavor. So why not try delicious Parquet margarine tomorrow? Yes, ask your dealer for Parquet, P-A-R-K-A-Y. And now let's visit our friend the great gilder slave. Don't eat your luncheon so fast, Leroy. Yes, Leroy. Where do you think you're going in such a hurry? So far. Uncle Mark came here quarter to burn the leaves. Yes. Say, leaves burning might be a good business for me to go into. Better get outside, Leroy. There's a wind coming up in your lab to blow your business right down the street. Okay. Say, has anybody seen my sweater? Excuse me while I turn to the front door. Yeah. Hello, buddy. Is the gentleman please in? Yes, Mr. Wills. He just finished him lunch. Come on in, judge. Thank you. Well, hello, Ted. Hello, Judge Hooker. This is an unexpected pleasure. Would you gentlemen care to indulge in a cup of coffee? No, no. Only going to stay a moment. Mr. Wills and I have a little matter we want to discuss with you, gilder slave. In confidence. Oh, surely, surely. Let's go into the library. Thank you. Well, Leroy. What are you looking for? My sweater. I left it here somewhere. Yes. On my moose head. That's no place for a sweater. I put it in your room. Thanks. Oh, hi, Judge Hooker. Hello, Ted. Hey, who do you think's going to win the game tomorrow? Leroy. We've got some business to talk over. Now, please imitate a priority and make yourself scarce. Twenty-three skidoo. Twenty-three skidoo? Yes, scram. Oh, I get you. Twenty-three skidoo. Must be a new kind of jive. Why do I swing that one on the jack? Jive. Well, now that we're alone, let's get to the point. Yes. Let's get right to the point, Judge. What is the point? Well, Ted tells me that you're interested in civic and municipal affairs. Yes, I am. It was Thomas Jefferson who said... Or was it Benjamin Franklin? No, it was Thomas Jefferson who said... What did he say? Well, whatever it was, you can be sure it was right to the point, Judge. We've got an organization here in Somerville, Gildus Leib, known as the CGA. We strive to make our city a finer and cleaner place to live in. And now that you've become a resident of Somerville, we want you as a member. Well, that's a great honor. I'm not sure that I deserve it, Judge. By the way, what is the CGA? The Clean Government Association, T.P. I suggested that you adjust the man to add the proper weight. I mean the proper weight in the right place. Right place. We want you to head the committee investigating conditions at our city jail. Oh, well, city jail, eh? Well, thanks. What's wrong down there? If I told you what's going on, it would make your mustache curl. The place can't hold onto its gas. What's the trouble? Poor service? No, prisoners keep escaping. Turnovers suspiciously high. We're getting ready to demand a cleanup. We want to get rid of the jailer. Everybody says he's made the place what it is. Yeah, well, it sounds like he's created quite a stir. But we've got no evidence that we can put before the grand jury. We need the testimony of a reputable citizen who can gather the facts secretly. Well, now how could we do that? One of our members offered to have himself arrested on some minor charge just so that he could get inside information. Splendid idea. It would have been, except everybody knows him. The jailer and his gang, it's smell or rat. In fact, all our members are prominent, well-known citizens. Oh, that's too bad. Would have been a peachy plan. Well, if there was some good substantial citizen who was new here in some appeal. Yes, who wouldn't be recognized when he broke some petty law and landed in jail. Oh, that's right. A new man. A very excellent law. No, you don't. I can see what's coming. I'm the guy you're leading up to. I won't do it. Pull your chin in, Geldesley. I'm disappointed in you. I thought you were going to be a useful citizen. But I don't like jails. What's wrong with them? I don't want to find out what's wrong with them. One thing, they're too confining. They give me claustrophobia. Oh, Poppycock, that's just your imagination. It is not. I've got claustrophobia so bad I can't even wear a double-breasted vest. But you're just the man we need. Where else can we find someone with your alertness and intelligence and daring? No place. Thanks for the compliment, Ted. I appreciate the honor, too. But no matter how thin you slice it, it's still 30 days in the clink. Oh, what's the use, Ted? He's all bull and bellow. No beef and brawn. No, look here, you. One more crack like that, and I'll fracture your skull with a hot marshmallow. Gilder's leave. You couldn't fracture a poached egg without getting winded. Why, you little legal head? I've got a good idea. Oh, you haven't had a good idea since you put on long pants. That settles it, Ted. Don't hold me back! Gentlemen, please, please. This is a meeting about law and order. Well, just because he's a law, he can't order me around. I'm not... I am not trying to order you around, Gildy old man. Oh, so now I'm an old man, am I? Stop acting like a baby. If you had any gumption, you'd help us clean up this town, Gilder's leave. It could lead to a long and honorable civic career. Someday, they'd put your statue in the park. Who knows? Maybe they'd even name the park after you. Think of it. The Throckmorton Peak Gilder's leave Memorial Park. Memorial Park? You quit burying me. I'm not dead yet. But this plan is foolproof, TP. The minute you have all the evidence, let us know and Judge Hooker will get you out of jail with a writ of habeas corpus. Sure. You see? Or will you do it? What are you saying, TP? Well, I didn't know about that. The habeas is about that. Then you'll do it? Well, if I really can make this town a cleaner, finer place to live in, yes. Ooh, what am I saying? I knew he'd do it, Ted. Well, what's our first move? Gilder's got to get himself arrested for some minor offense. Now, let's see. What could he do? I know. Go downtown, Gilder's leave and pick a fight with a policeman. Talk back. Make him mad. Sass him. Say, that's something I've always wanted to do. Sass a cop. This is going to be fun. Yeah, maybe. Better pick a small cop. Oh, yeah. Well, if everything's settled, I'll drive you home, Ted. All right now, boys. And don't forget, Hooker, when I give the CGA the SOS, you get me out PDQ. Well, children, how do you like your uncle's new fall outfit? Why, Uncle Mord? He looked like a tramp. Yeah, and what's the idea of the dark glasses? I'm going downtown to have myself arrested. What's the matter? Who's a bet on the Dodgers? Yeah. No, Leroy. I'm only doing this to help make Summerfield a finer, cleaner place to live in. You're not going to jail? Yes. I don't tell a soul, but I'm going there to investigate conditions for the Clean Government Association. Oh, I didn't understand. Well, don't you get it, sis? I'll cook something like a G-man. Oh, boy, wait until I tell her again. Leroy, if one word leaks out about this, I'll be thrown right out of jail. Oh, gee, Uncle, I wouldn't want that to happen. I'll keep quiet, but I still don't understand why you're wearing those terrible-looking old clothes. Yeah, boy, is that a corny outfit. It's a disguise, Leroy. If you like it, it's an old sack suit. Sack suit, huh? Looks like I forgot to take out the potatoes. Yeah. Well, it's seven or eight years old, Leroy. I wonder if suits fit a tighter then or if I've expanded. You shouldn't wear those pants, Uncle Mord. You can't stand up in jail all the time. Excuse me, Miss Mord. Who that man is? What do you want with these children? Go away, you freaks. Take it easy, Bertie. It's me, Mr. Gillingsley. You sure? Why, of course. Well, you done frightened me from year to Christmas. What you doing dressed up like a scarecrow and not so skinny? Well, Bertie, the truth of the matter is... Oh, don't tell her, Uncle Mord. You know how women are. I can't keep a secret. She'll be telling it all around town before you even get to jail. Jail? Who's going to jail? You, Mr. Gillingsley? What are you going to do to Pokie? Pokie? What did I tell you? She's starting to broadcast already. Leroy, you spill the beans yourself. What beans? Now, what's going on around here? Oh, Margie will explain to you later, Bertie. And meanwhile, if you just keep quiet and don't mention this to anybody, I'll be able to get any jail without any trouble. You will? Yes. Well, there's a lot of things I could say at this point, but I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. Oh, run along, Bertie. I'll try to explain to you later on. If I ever find out myself. Okay, but I've got a feeling in my bones and it ain't rheumatism. Well, what do you think, children? Do I look shabby enough? Sure, you look pretty good. That is pretty bad, pretty good. Don't you think so, Marge? Well, I don't know. There's something that doesn't quite fit in with the rest. Oh, oh, yes, your mustache. That's me. Here, Margie, I'm not going to shave off my mustache, even if it means I won't be able to get into that jail. Oh, you needn't shave it. Just trim it a little so it won't look so bad for you. No, no, no. Oh, yes, now come on, here's a pair of manners here. Nothing to worry, Margie. Don't you care? Touch of hair. Hold his head, Leroy. Okay, sis. Hold still, huh? Oh, Leroy, stop that. Quit. Cut it out, children. It's taken me years to stop, Margie. You'll ruin the shape. Oh, still. Stop it. Leave my mustache alone. Oh, that's my nose, you're trimming. It was kind of cold. Why don't we stick around and watch him get arrested? I should say not. I wouldn't have even let you drive me downtown if that conductor hadn't told me off the streetcar. Hey, how do you plan to get arrested, Uncle Morse? I hope we're not going to do anything against the law. Well, nothing really bad. I'm just going to tease a cop. Well, I have fun getting that cop mad. Hey, Uncle Morse, stop. I see a policeman. Where? Coming down the street. See him? Boy, is he a big guy, too. Uncle Morse, you're not stopping. No sense in taking just the first policeman you see, Leroy. Go. What's wrong with this one? Well, I'd kind of like to shop around for a little while, I mean. But you're not a hard policeman to find when you want one. Huh? Now, it's your chance. Hey, Uncle, you going on? Well, all right, if you insist. Come on, Uncle. Don't rush me, young man. Well, what are we waiting for? Well, I just don't know how to begin this. Why don't you just bump into it? Look, how big he is. There wouldn't be any fun in that. Then step on his corn. Yeah, step on his corn. That's like putting one foot in the grave. Hurry up, before he passes on. Now, quit pushing me out of the car, Leroy. Now, stop that. Hey, look where you're going, you. You stepped right on my foot. I did, officer? Well, why don't you keep those big flat feet out of my way? They are big, aren't they? Huh? Yes, they are big. And clumsy, too. That's true. You know, I have the worst time with them, especially when I dance. Yes. I'm not interested in your waltzing dogs. Now, out of my way before I get tough. Well, don't, don't shout. I've got a splitting headache as it is. Oh, you have. I'll shout if I want to. Yes, by George, I'd like to see you stop me. Oh, really, really, mister. If you're going to create a disturbance, I'm not going to stand here and take it. You're not, eh? Uh, what are you going to do? I'm going home to bed. Oh! Wait a minute. Aren't you going to arrest me? Oh, oh, no. As a citizen and taxpayer, I insist on being arrested. Well, in that case, you better find a policeman. Yeah. Aren't you a policeman? Don't tell us so, but I'm just getting home from a masquerade ball. Oh! You two children will stop following me around. You're just a jinx. No matter what I try, I can't get myself arrested. Well, um, did you walk on the grass in the park and pick the flowers like I told you to do? Yes, but that didn't work. Well, you should have waited until you saw a policeman. I did, and all he did was wink at me. How about jaywalking? No arresting people for that these days. I tried jaywalking right on a busy street. What happened? A couple of big trucks just missed me and ran into each other. And the officer didn't arrest you? No, he was too busy separating the truck drivers. I even tried to steal a mounted policeman's horse. That's a little land of just smack in the who's gow. Well, it would have, except this was a burglar-proof horse. What do you mean? He just sat down in the gutter and refused to move. Well, maybe you better give up, Uncle Moore. No, sir. I'm just as stubborn as the police department. I'm going to jail this afternoon if it takes me all night. I've been thinking. I know it'll do the trick. What is it, my boy? What is... You see that pile of bricks? They're bricks, yes. And they all up pretty, strong windows? Oh, Leroy, I don't want to hurt those shopkeepers. Okay, then how about that roll of empty stores across the street? You couldn't hurt anybody there. You're a bright boy, Leroy. Now you children go back to the car and pretend you don't know me. All right. So long, Uncle Moore. I hope you make it this time. Yeah, thanks. Better take an arm pull in case I miss. Well, here goes. It doesn't seem to attract any attention. I better try again. What kind of a neighborhood is this? Well, I'll wake him up this time. Yeah, this is fun. What's wrong, Marjorie? Look at the signs of those windows you broke. Signs where? Oh, yes. These stores for rent by the Forrester estate. Brought Morton, P. Giller's leave. Agent. Oh, my. Get out of the coop. Oh, but this is ridiculously, Roy. I'm a little embarrassed. I'll get stage fright. Well, you said it was for a worthy cause. I'll be waiting. All right. I don't like this. Excuse me, buddy, but could you spare a dime for a worthy cup of coffee? Why, sure, pal. I've been up against it myself. Here is a quarter. Oh. That's for the cup on the corner. Oh, to think. A Giller's leave hustling handouts on the highway. Okay. Make me feel like a cat. Pardon me, lady, but could you spare a dime for a cup of coffee? Why, you poor man. I'll do better than that. I'm going to take you to the nearest restaurant and buy you a nice, hot meal. But, madam, I've had my luncheon already. I just forgot to drink my coffee. I simply refuse to ask another person for another dime for another cup of coffee. Why, I've collected over $7 already. Here. To give it to some worthy charity. I'll give it to you. Here. To give it to some worthy charity. Start a fund to buy glasses for near-sighted policemen. What are you going to do now? I'm giving up. I never knew it would be so hard to get yourself arrested. Come on. Your sister's waiting in the car. Oh, look, that lady dropped her purse. Hand it here, Leroy. Thanks. Which lady was it, uncle? The one with a hat like a waffle. Hey, lady! Leroy, you go to the car while I run ahead and give it back to her. Lady! Oh, old lady! Lady, I've been whistling at you for a block. I heard you. How dare you follow me? I wasn't following you. I was trying to catch you. Oh, what? Here's your purse, lady. You dropped it back there. I did not. But I thought I saw you. I have my purse right here in my hand. What? That was just an excuse to stop me inside a purse. You masher. Masher? Oh, babe. Yes, yes, a girl isn't safe anymore with wolves like you roaming the streets. Oh! Now, see here. I wish there was a way. I teach you a lesson. Quiet, lady. You're attracting crowds. Why, you ought to be ashamed. Whistling and shouting at a poor girl. Girl! You wouldn't be so bold and sad if my brother-in-law was here to take me. Oh, my goodness. Excuse me, lady. Maybe I can help you. Quiet, quiet, please. Quiet. Yes, quiet. What's wrong? This man is bothering me. I am not. Move on. Bomb your father in the lady. But I just ran after her. Get fathered and I'll run away. But I want to give her this purse. I don't want your old purse. My purse? She says she don't want your purse. Now beat it. All right, Mr. Refuse. Wait a second. Who are you to tell me I should beat it? I'm a deputy sheriff, see? Now, if you don't want to be pulled in for mashing... But I swear, miss... Oh, is this your purse? Well, I thought it belonged to the other lady. Even the lady's pocketbooks, too. Huh? Now, I get you in two charges. Mashing and purse, naturally. Oh, but I tell you, deputy, I'm innocent. Oh, yeah? Come on, now. Let's get under the sheriff's office. Well, I just saw it lying there on the sidewalk, mister. And I thought that... Are you coming quietly, or do I have to drag you to jail? I won't come quietly. You can't make me... If what? You're going to take me to jail? You catch on fair. Well, why didn't you say so? Come on, come on, come on. I just can't wait till we get there. That's all? That's all. Come on. Step in there. You think you're going to jail? I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to jail. Come on, step in there. You think I'm going to carry you across the threshold? No, no. I'll walk. Spud, you got a room, mate. Show this guy the ropes. Sure. Well, make yourself at home, Bunky. What's your name? Uh, Gildersleeve. Frockmorton P. Gildersleeve. Boy, did you pick yourself a pony moniker. What? Nobody'd ever believe that one. But I assure you, sir, that's my name. But look here, Spud. I'm going to stay around here a moment longer than I have to. Who does? How's the chances of getting out? I don't know. You got a good lawyer? No, no, no. I mean, how's chances of escaping? You mean, take it on the lamb? Well, if you want to be technical, yes. Uh, not a chance in the world, Bunky. This joint is airtight. But I've heard otherwise. Yeah, sure. So did I. But I'm still here. What? Why, but I tried everything. And I know all the tricks. You do? Yeah. That's why I'm here. Oh. On account of busting out of all the other joints. But I was told that lots of you, Robert Chaps, got free. Then somebody gave you a bum steer, pal. Huh? Why, this is the place that gave him the idea for rock a trend. Oh, my goodness. Nobody's ever cracked this joke. Oh, I can hardly believe that. Oh, no? Huh? Well, I'll show you. Hey, Deputy. Yeah? What is it, Spud? Anybody ever escaped out of this cooler? No, nobody's ever escaped out of this cooler. Oh. Hey, Gildersley. Yes, sir? You got visitors. Oh, thank you. Come on. Fine message, Judge Hooker and Ted have gotten me into the hot cooler. Oh, hello, children. Are you all right, Uncle? Three, you made it after all, didn't you? How did you manage to do it? Oh, it's a long story, Marjorie. Remind me to tell that there's some cold winter night when we've got nothing better to do. Now, I want you to get ahold of Ted and Judge Hooker. Yes. Tell him that their information was all wrong. Nobody's ever escaped out of this cooler. You mean you're just wasting your time? That's it exactly, Roy. Now, you tell him to get me out of this rabbit hut as quick as a bunny. Let me talk to Judge Hooker, please. This is Ted Wills speaking. Oh, sorry, Mr. Wills. He just left. Oh, I see you. When will he be back? A week. He can't do that. Oh, yes, he can. He's just gone to New York. I'm court business. But he can't go. He's left someone in the lurch. Oh, my goodness. Where's the judge stopping in New York? Well, he had trouble. He's left an innocent man here in jail. Oh. Marjorie, Roy, what are we going to do? Poor Uncle Moore. Yeah, poor Uncle Moore. What are you so cheerful about? You'll soon see, Spud. I'll be out of here quick and you can walk across the cell. Yeah, we'll cut out that singing. I'm punished enough without that. I can't help it. I'm so happy about leaving this place, I've just got to sing. Darling you. Hey, gilded slave. Huh? You got a visitor. Oh, hey, hey, you see, Spud? What did I tell you? Thank you, Deputy. Darling you and I know the reason why I'm such a happy guy. Oh. Well, hello, Bertie. I'm glad to see you. Where is everybody? They were afraid to come down, Mr. Gill Sleeve. Afraid? What were they afraid of? Afraid of you? They sent me down to break the bad news. What bad news? Judge Hooker done forgot all about you and went to New York for a week. What? Yes, sir. I told you something bad was going to happen. He can't do this to me. Bertie, did you ring me a habeas corpus? I'm sorry, Mr. Gill Sleeve. All I brought you was a roast chicken. I don't want a roast chicken. I would. Hey, I do want a roast chicken. Where is it? The man at the door he done took it away from me. Why? That Bertie chiseler. But I don't think he's going to enjoy eating it. Why not? I thought it was some little sauce and fire with a little gun. If you don't shut up, the warden's going to send you to solitary. Let him send me to any place. As long as it's out of here. You know, you're the screw you sell made I ever room with, funky. Yes. The other prisoner's a circulating petition demanding your removal. Oh. Now, why don't you just sit down like a good little fella and write another letter to the newspaper? No. I've been framed in Double Cross, and they were going to name a statue after me in a memorial park. I'm really a member of the Clean Government Association. Well, you certainly don't act like it. Huh? In the past three days, you've tried to set the cell on fire four times. Yeah. And the rest of the time, you're either trying to bribe the guards or you're organizing a jailbreak. Gill Sleeve, you ain't playing the game. I just want to play the anvil course on a certain judge's head with a baseball bat. All right, Gill Sleeve. Get your things. You're leaving. Leaving? I am? Oh, I can hardly believe that. Oh, this makes me very happy. Well, that makes it unanimous. Oh. Good-bye, Spud. They try to keep out of mischief from now on, Spud. Good-bye, boys. And behave yourselves. Yeah. Glad to. Hello, children. Hello, Ted. Hello, Hooker. Hello. Well, it took you long enough to get me out of here. I'll guilty. It was all a mistake. Let's not discuss it here. Shall we go? Yes. But first, I want to ask you two great civic leaders a question. Where did you get your phony information? From a fortune teller? It wasn't phony. And why did you have to yell your head off about our investigation? It's all over town now. What difference does that make now, Hooker? There's nothing to prosecute here. The jail is escape proof. I found that out. And from what I saw, it's run on the level, too. Of course it is. I knew that all along. Then why in the name of common sense did you send me here? That's just it. We didn't tell you to come here, Gill Sleeve. What? No, this is the county jail. We told you to go to the city jail. Oh, my goodness. A few minutes. But right now, I wonder how many of you housewives baked a cake or some cookies yesterday for your Sunday dinner today? A lot of you did, I'm sure, because there's just nothing like that real home-baked flavor. Well, here's a hint for the next time you bake. For luscious extra flavor in cookies, cakes, or pastries, use delicious Park A. Margeron for the shortening. You see, Park A. Margeron is a genuine flavor shortening, not just a bland, tasteless fat. Yes, the same delicious flavor that makes Park A. grand for table use makes it marvelous for baking, too. And that's why so many women also use Park A. Margeron for seasoning hot vegetables and for pan-frying. But whether you use Park A. Margeron at the table, for seasoning, for baking, or for pan-frying, you're adding valuable nourishment to your family's diet. And every pound of Park A. contains 9,000 units of vitamin A. And remember, good as Park A. tastes and nourishing as it is, Park A. is so economical you can use all you want. So why not join the thousands of Park A. users and order a pound or two tomorrow? Just ask for Park A. P-A-R-K-A-Y. It's the margeron that's made by craft. This phone to tell you I gave you a bum steer. You did, Spud? How? Well, somebody did escape out of that cooler. They did? Who? Spud. Yes, Spud. You're not playing the game. Good night. Original music heard on this program was composed and conducted by William Randolph. This is Jim Vannon speaking for the Craft Cheese Company and inviting you to be with us again next week at the same time for the further adventures of the...